10 Lesbian Sex Scenes I Wrote Before I Had Lesbian Sex

A long time ago, in a land far away, I worked in a tiny little cubicle in a tiny little town, counting numbers all day and pretending to be straight. I begrudgingly came out to myself but had no intention of ever coming out to anyone else. It would blow up my family! It would blow up my life! And so I would remain single; add and subtract numbers eight hours a day, five days a week; and never make anyone uncomfortable with my sexuality.

My two most secret, desperate desires were to: 1) Learn how to write something (anything!) people would want to read. I loved reading. LOVED IT. But I was terrible at writing. 2) Have sex with another woman. I thought about both of those things constantly. The sex thing slightly more than the writing thing. Then, one fateful day, all of my interests collided when I stumbled onto some lesbian fan fiction. It was women who wanted to be better writers, writing about ladies having sex with other ladies. It was heaven.

It took years before I learned to create anything that wasn’t the most embarrassing thing ever written, and even more years before I finally kissed another girl on her mouth with my mouth. That purgatory led to some of my best-worst writing ever, including these ten lesbian sex scenes I wrote before I had lesbian sex. Obviously, all of them are fan fiction.


1. “Boobs were one of life’s great mysteries.”

I love this because I wrote the literal word “boob” a hundred times, and also Anne has a fifty-foot wingspan and is built like Gumby, able to bend and stretch her body in superhuman ways. I didn’t understand sex or basic human anatomy at this point in my life, apparently.

Anne knew that Diana was married now, and she herself had pledged herself to be with Gilbert, but you had to admit that boobs were one of life’s great mysteries and Anne loved to investigate these things. She didn’t pull her hand away from Diana’s boob where Diana had placed it. She kept it there, on top of her dress.

“I’ve wanted to do this for a long time,” said Diana.

“Me too,” said Anne.

Her hand was still on Diana’s boob. How best to get Diana out of this dress? With one hand still on Diana’s boob, Anne reached around and unbuttoned her out of the back of her dress. With her hand still on Diana’s boob, she unlaced Diana’s boots. She switched her hands, still keeping one on the boob, and also was able to get Diana out of that awful corset, then her underthings. Finally, her hand was on Diana’s naked boob, and they were not such a mystery anymore.


2. “Jo had thought a lot about what it meant to be a lesbian during the Civil War.”

I think this was the very first lesbian fan fiction I wrote. I’ve never met anyone called Penelope in my life. Is that even a real name?

Jo March was a lesbian. She was a gay woman! She looked into the looking glass and said it to herself in a whisper. “I am a gay woman.” And then she said it even louder. “I am a gay woman!” Penelope appeared in the doorway, stark naked. “Prove it,” she smirked. Jo had thought a lot about what it meant to be a lesbian during the Civil War but she had not considered really that sex was going to be a part of that package. That was, until she met Penelope!

Jo, indeed, decided to prove it!

The first thing she did was to get naked so Penelope wouldn’t feel insecure. She could tell Penelope was thankful. She walked across the room to the doorway where Penelope was standing and pulled her into an embrace that led to wild kissing and pretty soon Jo March was touching her first breast! Why, she had never even touched her own breast before! Nipples were fantastic! Breasts were soft and nipples were hard, pebbly even! What a nice surprise!

Penelope also touched Jo’s breasts and they too turned pebbly.

They were on the bed then, still kissing and rubbing all over each other’s nipples. Finally, Penelope slid her luxurious thigh between Jo’s legs and that’s when Jo proved once and for all that she really was a gay woman.


3. “It felt like being beat by ocean waves — but in a good way.”

Librasexual is like when you’re into girls for sex but boys for their giant book collections, okay? It made perfect sense.

Elizabeth did love Mr. Darcy, but she also did love Charlotte. Perhaps she loved the idea of Mr. Darcy in the sense that he was quite rich and had a really extensive library, but Charlotte was the person Elizabeth was more interested in kissing and touching affectionately. They had always been more affectionate with each other than Elizabeth had been with any of her sisters. They snuggled up in the barn sometimes and read books or told stories or occasionally even gossiped. Maybe Elizabeth wasn’t bisexual or maybe she was. Maybe she was librasexual.

She would never have a nice library with Charlotte, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t have a nice time with her right now, while everyone was visiting Netherfield Park and Charlotte was here with her lips attached to Lizzie’s.

Elizabeth kissed her back, passionately and crazily! In less than five minutes, they were completely out of their dresses and straddling each other in the middle of the room where the Bennets kept their small art collection. They kept on kissing and touching each other and before Elizabeth even realized what was happening, she was climaxing. It felt like being beat by ocean waves — but in a good way. The waves crashed and crashed over her and she felt out of control like she was drowning but she knew she was safe here in Charlotte’s arms.


4. “Let’s hear it for double breasts!”

There are a LOT of numbers in this fan fiction. Janeway loves to count when she has sex. Also, I have no idea why Seven doesn’t have a belly button.

Kathryn Janeway may have been the captain of the USS Voyager, but she didn’t care too much about being in control in bed when it came to Seven of Nine. She’d helped Seven claim her humanity, that was plenty of control; plus, she flew a damn starship. “I fly a damn starship,” she accidentally said out loud.

Seven laughed. “I know you do,” she said.

“Let’s hear it for female starship captains!” Kate proclaimed, as Seven began kissing her way down her neck.

“Let’s hear it for double breasts!” Seven replied.

That really was one of the best things about lesbian sex, when you thought about it. Double breasts. Four of them, not just double. Most women had double breasts. Kate liked four together! Four nipples, two on two, pressed into each other. That was how she liked it. Two sets of lips, four hands, four nipples, two vaginas, one belly-button (because Seven didn’t have one), ten fingers and one hell of an explosive orgasm!

Sometimes even more than one orgasm, like tonight, when Seven finished her ministrations with her hands and immediately began applying them with her mouth.


5. “One again Elizabeth Bennet found herself with her hand in her pants…”

I have helpfully summed up the plot of every Jane Austen novel for you with the first line of this story. Also, please don’t read this. It will ruin your life.

If Lizzie was honest with herself, she had to admit that twice refusing Mr. Darcy’s marriage proposal was going to make her life a potential living hell. She didn’t have any money or prospects, nor did she want any prospects. The only prospect she wanted was to steal Charlotte away from that ridiculous Mr. Collins. One again Elizabeth Bennet found herself with her hand in her pants thinking of the days she and her best friend had spent some “alone time” in the barn, pretending to be in there reading but actually instead kissing each other and dry humping.

Charlotte said other girls did it but Lizzie didn’t know if that was true and she didn’t care. It felt great and she actually loved Charlotte, unlike these stupid sailors and soldiers who showed up in Meryton all the time acting like they were God’s gift because they had a uniform, one thousand a year, and were men. They were so full of themselves when they’d probably never even read a single book! Mr. Darcy was a little bit better, eventually, but he wasn’t a woman and that’s what Elizabeth Bennet craved. Not just any woman, though — her Charlotte!

Elizabeth worked her hand furiously and imagined Charlotte’s breath on her neck. Like usual, it worked. In no time, she was all finished up.

She had to think of a way to get Charlotte back from Mr. Collins… but how??


6. “Kissing girls was 99 percent better than kissing boys.”

Misandry is a common theme in my early work.

Anne didn’t have a lot of experience with kissing, but just one brush of Diana’s lips told her that kissing girls was 99 percent better than kissing boys. Girls’ lips were softer. Girls’ hands were softer. Girls were just softer, full stop. Anne was eager to know if that was true under Diana’s clothes as well, but unsure if her bosom buddy was ready to go that far. They were both adults now, and just visiting home, but if Marilla caught them, they’d be in a world of trouble. Not to mention Diana’s wanker ass husband. Oh, how Anne hated him! She wanted to run him over with a horse or with a team of horses and a carriage, but she wouldn’t think of that just now.

Instead, she concentrated on Diana’s lips gently touching her lips. These dresses were horrible. How would they ever get out of them, be with each other, and get back into them without being caught?

“Should we do this later?” Anne asked. “Perhaps we could sneak away during the church picnic?”

Diana kissed her even more ferociously. “No,” she said. “I want to do this right now!”

Anne had imagined their first time going a little bit differently, but this was okay too. Better than okay because it was Diana, even though it was hurried. They probably would sneak away during the church picnic, though, judging by the flush on Diana’s cheeks when they were finished with each other.


7. “Her orgasm was immediate thunder!”

I stand by my assertion that Jane Fairfax is the most prolific lover of all Austen heroines.

Emma had been a fool and she understood this now. All the time she spent trying to set up Jane with the men in this neighborhood, it had just been a way for her to figure out what Jane liked so Emma could become that person. When Emma told Jane this, Jane cupped Emma’s face in her hands and said, “Just be the person you are, my dear Emma. That’s who I fell in love with.”

She slipped her tongue into Emma’s mouth and her thigh between Emma’s legs, and her orgasm was immediate thunder. She’s never had anyone love her for exactly who she was before! Perhaps orgasms could be emotional too? Indeed she had just proven it!


8. “Anne was pretty goddamn sure all women liked kissing like this.”

No, but like REALLY hated Diana Berry’s husband.

Ruby Gillis had always thought she was better than Anne, just because Anne was an orphan and Ruby had so many fancy older sisters who knew everything, but here was a thing Ruby Gillis didn’t know: how to make love to a woman. And Anne sure did know, thanks to Diana. (Anne couldn’t think about Diana right now, or her shitty husband.) Anne kissed Ruby to make her stop talking. Ruby made a surprised little squeaking sound, but in a pleasant way; she liked it. Anne was pretty goddamn sure all women liked kissing like this.

Anne kissed Ruby’s neck and everywhere else while she wrestled her out of her dress, and Ruby really liked it. She giggled and thankfully stopped talking so much. Anne licked and tweaked her way around Ruby’s body, wishing it was Diana, but also not wishing it was Diana because she honestly couldn’t take much more of this push-pull, when Diana seemed determined to not actually leave her beast of a husband. Anne was here with Ruby now, though.

She said her name: Ruby, Ruby. Ruby seemed to like that. (Of course she did.)

Anne worked her way all around Ruby’s body until Ruby was a shuddering, satisfied mess in Anne’s arms.

“Your turn!” Ruby said and Anne reluctantly agreed.


9. “Talking dirty came as naturally to her as making cupcakes.”

Hello, trolley people!

Mia Thermopolis was now the adult Princess of Genovia, which meant she had a lot of responsibilities that didn’t include Lily Moscovitz. She missed Lily desperately, though, and not just as her best friend but also as her lover. Mia remembered the time they’d spent together the last time Lily was here in Genovia. She’d had to tell her grandma that Lily was sick and needed her rest in bed, when in reality Lily was just fine and they were doing other stuff in bed.

Mia wrote a letter to Lily.

These are the things I miss about you:

1. Your sweet and evil laugh.
2. Your sense of social responsibility.
3. Your lips on mine.
4. Your hands all over my body.
5. Your hands inside my body.

But she crumpled it up and threw it away because if the letter got intercepted by a spy from another country, she’d be in huge trouble. Anyway, she couldn’t talk dirty in print. Talking dirty in real life came as easy to her as making cupcakes, but writing it down took all the fun out of it. Maybe instead she could get a private jet ride to the States for a quick weekend with Lily. But of course, spies against Genovia were everywhere.


10. “I want us to take this thing to the next level, sexually.”

I don’t even know.

Every night for the rest of her life, Jo March thanked the stars for bringing the Time Machine into her life. Without it, she would never have met Jane Eyre, who had become her best friend and the love of her life. On this night, after she thanked her lucky stars, she said to Jane, “I want us to take this thing to the next level, sexually.” And reader, they did.


Follow your dreams, kittens. I get paid money to write words now.

Heather Hogan is an Autostraddle senior editor who lives in New York City with her partner, Stacy, and their cackle of rescued pets. You can also find her on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Tumblr.

Heather has written 738 articles for us.

99 Comments

  1. Oh. My. Gosh. Heather, this is absolutely my favorite thing i’ve ever read. It’s just seriously so amazing!

    I don’t know what my favorite part is, Anne refusing to let go of Diana’s boob, Jo declaring that she is a Gay Woman, “immediate thunder” or time travelling lesbians Jo March and Jane Eyre! But probably it’s “she said to Jane, “I want us to take this thing to the next level, sexually.” And reader, they did.”

    Heather, you’re the total best and this is the total best and wow.

  2. I was holding on, but then I lost it at “wanker ass husband.”

    And when I say I lost it, I mean I’m sitting at work, shaking, a hand over my mouth and nose because if I breathe at all I will burst into laughing, crying spasms and I don’t think my coworkers would appreciate it.

  3. Oh Heather! We may not have similar taste in television, but we clearly do in literature! Is ‘historic fiction with a strong female lead’ a recognised genre?

    Enjoyed the Anne/Ruby pairing… never was a Diana Barry fan, don’t really think she’s smart and interesting enough for Anne! I guess Anne was too young when Miss Stacey was her teacher for that to be a not-icky pairing?

    I tend to be a bit more Canon when it comes to P&P – Jane Austen pretty much says that Charlotte was a lesbian in the language of her time, so I think of it as a torturous unrequited love/lust by Charlotte for Lizzie. Charlotte totally came home from the Ball at Netherfield and masturbated over Lizzie!

    Lizzie & Darcy and Leslie & Ben (from Parks and Rec) are the only 2 hetero couples in all fiction ever (of every media) where even though I have a devout love and complex do-I-want-to-be-her-or-fuck-her-confusted-feelings for the heroine, I don’t actually think that the man is a loser and wish the woman would just come out already!

    ps. I am most seriously displeased that whoever put together the pic for this article on the homepage used a screenshot from the ghastly Keira Nightly P&P rather than the BBC miniseries! Ghastly!

    • Actually, more thoughts:

      1) how is this not a zine?! (Or a WEBCOMIC HOLY MOTHER SOMEONE ILLUSTRATE THESE PLEASE)

      2) instead of irritating homophobic jerks with kiss ins and whatnot, we should just start stuffing their mailbox with these! Cheaper than sex toys

  4. Lesbian fan fiction for my favourite book of all time (pride & prejudice) — my day is MADE. I always wondered about charlotte and lizzie….there had to be spark. There just had to. But of course the times they lived in prevented anything from being out in the open. You read my mind heather!

  5. Oh Heather, these are so glorious. Personal favourite line is from Nr 2 – Jo had thought a lot about what it meant to be a lesbian during the Civil War. Girlfriend and I are sitting here cracking up as we read through them. Thank you so much for sharing!

  6. Thank you so much for writing these literary gems, I haven’t laughed so much in ages. Please do a Fanfiction Friday of your own work, the world can’t be denied your descriptions of boobs any longer.

  7. Boobs. Boobs. Boobs.
    Boobs forever. I love that someone else had a Jo March actually being lesbian fantasy going on! Pretty much anytime I see Winona Ryder in a movie my mind drifts off into some sort of fantasy! This was a good read, thank you! 😀

  8. “Finally, her hand was on Diana’s naked boob, and they were not such a mystery anymore.”

    nice

    “She slipped her tongue into Emma’s mouth and her thigh between Emma’s legs, and her orgasm was immediate thunder.”

    wonderful poetry

  9. So my mother just mailed me something amazing: the erotic Laura Ingalls Wilder fanfiction I wrote as a nine-year-old. That’s right, even though I got into a heap of trouble for it, she saved it for all these years! Here it is, in all its glory:

    The Laura Ingalls Wilder Sex Story
    Don’t show this to anyone

    One day, Laura was doing the baking. Almanzo walked in. He asked if she would do you-know-what with him. She said, “Sure.”

    That night you know what happend. They thought it felt so good, they stayed like that for a night and the next day.

  10. Petition for HH-written special Fan Fiction Friday! Or at the very least, an Anne of Green Gables edition. Anne/Diana/Ruby is everything I never knew I needed. Actually, now I think about it, Anne had a LOT of kindred spirits/bosom friends….

  11. I read everything you write and this is the best thing ever!!! What is number 10? Jo March and Jane Eyre? Yes, please!! Heather, you’re amazing and I absolutely adore your writing, I think you’re a genious.The way you mix all the shows and books I love and how you sort characters into Hogwarts houses is unique and perfect. You’re a gift to the world. Thank you!

  12. Tears leaking out of my eyes. Dog on lap mighty bemused. Sofa shaking laughter. Thank you so much for posting your most illustrious juvenilia. I also second a Green Gables fanfic parody festival. Everyone to ffnet and see if we can break it in honour of HH

  13. “Her orgasm was immediate thunder” needs to be Her Orgasm was Immediate Thunder and a Western lesbian sex novel. You could keep it an Emma fan fiction but that title is worthy of Larry McMurtry.

  14. i am crying laughing! i have so many similar moments of fan fiction embarrassment. thank you for summing up so much of my lesbian imagination from 13-19. i loved reading this!!

  15. She didn’t pull her hand away from Diana’s boob …. She switched her hands, still keeping one on the boob … Finally, her hand was on Diana’s naked boob

    Elizabeth kissed her back, passionately and crazily!

    Sometimes even more than one orgasm, like tonight

    Like usual, it worked. In no time, she was all finished up.

    These dresses were horrible. How would they ever get out of them, be with each other, and get back into them without being caught?

    Anne had imagined their first time going a little bit differently, but this was okay too.

    Indeed she had just proven it!

    Anne kissed Ruby’s neck and everywhere else … licked and tweaked her way around Ruby’s body

    when in reality Lily was just fine and they were doing other stuff in bed.

    All of this. All of this forever.

  16. HEATHER OMG. This was served up in Our side bar and I thank Cee for whatever they did to make this article reveal itself from the depths of our archives. I just want to say that if you don’t read the rest of the pebbly nipples fic at the shakedown I’m gonna be so sad!! Also the hand never leaving the boob seriously rivals Catherine removing a thong with her teeth whilst her boobs slide down Ava’s leg. This is our truest art.

  17. I love this more every time I read it – thank you archives for bringing this up again today, when I needed it.

    And, because I think this is relevant to all of our interests – Jurassic Jane Eyre: The Dinosaur Turned Me Lesbian by Carrie Sessarego is a free short story. It’s a satire of those strange dino porn stories out there and it’s also a note perfect homage to Jane Eyre, complete with time traveling Jane and a lesbian dinosaur named Edwina (Reader, I mated with her).

    https://www.kobo.com/us/en/ebook/jurassic-jane-eyre

  18. I’m here for the misandry. I relate to this (especially the bit about men thinking they are great because they are men):

    “unlike these stupid sailors and soldiers who showed up in Meryton all the time acting like they were God’s gift because they had a uniform, one thousand a year, and were men. They were so full of themselves when they’d probably never even read a single book! Mr. Darcy was a little bit better, eventually, but he wasn’t a woman”

  19. Hurray for random link-following to old Autostraddle gems. This is a thing of beauty – Heather’s work and the comments both. I am so going to read that Jane Eyre/dinosaur story; I already have tears of laughter in my eyes, why stop now?

    Librasexuals unite!

    If I ever get called by a school because my daughter has written a story about elephants French kissing, those school authorities will say grimly to themselves that they see exactly where the problem lies, because my face will be twitching the whole time we have a Serious Conversation In The Principal’s Office, and I will probably not even make it out the door before I fall over laughing.

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