Don’t Text Your Ex, Just Take a Xanax-Rec!

Let me take you on a journey way back in time, to an extended-stay hotel in midtown Manhattan, June 2009. Autostraddle had just gotten born, much like many of our interns, who’d be arriving a few days later to “attendRodeo Disco, our first-ever Pride Party. Our Business Director, who was living in Miami at the time, had flown out and rented the apartment-style room, and I’d been summoned that afternoon to discuss a rather heated and clearly unreasonable e-mail argument with our Music Editor Stef that I’d been engaging in for the entirety of the day. The topic was the understandably controversial matter of how our 13 interns would be spending their days and nights upon arrival, if we were really gonna make any money from this party, when we’d be delivering their gift bags, and if it made sense to call the gift bags and schedules “Tyra Mail.” Everything was just so much.

Aforementioned Business Director offered me some advice: “Here, take a Xanax.” I’d never taken a Xanax before — after all, I didn’t have a prescription, and I’m nothing if not a law-abiding citizen — but I was feeling pretty wild that day and was up for anything. Who am I but one woman with only one life to live and way too many emails to write and then regret shortly thereafter. So I took a Xanax and within ten minutes found myself not only ignoring my laptop, but absolutely RECLINING in a chair that truly could’ve gone either way. “We should definitely flyer at the Dyke March, everything’s fine,” I trilled moments later before strolling off to the therapy session I suddenly barely even needed. Just like that I’d been transformed from a raving lunatic into a human being who cared about literally not one thing!

A quick Google search for “Xanax” on autostraddle.com turns up 491 results — that probably represents at least 25 times we’ve mentioned a brand name product for free! Arguably, there is no product we have problematically endorsed with more consistency than Xanax.

For that reason and so many others, we are so excited to announce that we have entered into a prosperous partnership with Xanax Recreational, a new kind of Xanax that is exactly like the old Xanax, except you don’t need an actual diagnosis or prescription to get it! All you need to do is call 1-800-AUTOXANAX and an intern will deliver a fresh bottle directly to your doorstep, with a wink and a smile. (The interns have mostly just been hanging out in the park since that party, except for the one who’s in law school and the one who vanished off the face of the earth instead of turning in the Comment Awards.)

It’s a great way to meet girls, chill out, and support Autostraddle at the same time! Xanax-Rec is giving us a 20% kickback on every sale.

The campaign is called “Don’t Text Your Ex, Take a Xanax!”, reflecting the fact that many queer women struggle with self-defeating communication issues.

It also speaks to Xanax-rec’s true desire to connect with this underserved and very stressed out market. In the face of so much marginalization and oppression, can’t a girl get a time out?

The next time your parents, who voted for Trump and don’t understand why you’re yelling at them for taking an Uber from the airport instead of a Lyft, tell you to take a chill pill, you can literally take a chill pill.

The next time you’re stressing out about how to impress that femme by playing pool but you don’t actually know how to play pool, take a Xanax-rec and sit in a chair instead, looking hot while keeping cool!

The next time you feel the urge to text that girl to make sure the text you sent earlier wasn’t “too much,” just take a Xanax-rec and watch Sleepless in Seattle instead!

The next time you run out of Kate McKinnon videos on YouTube, just take a Xanax-rec and watch them again!

As you know, we’ve struggled for a while to attract advertisers to Autostraddle, due to sexism, homophobia, transphobia, the perception of queer women as “poor” and the fact that we write articles on topics including but certainly not limited to buttsex and getting a clove of garlic stuck in your vagina. But just like how little we care about stuff after taking a Xanax-Rec, they don’t care about that or really anything. We finally found our very own advertising match made in heaven, and summarily we’re on track to make more money from advertising this year than we did in 2014-2016 combined!

“You know,” your Mom told me when I told her about this ad campaign, “this reminds me of when doctors were over-prescribing valium to housewives in the ’50s so they wouldn’t have to think about how unhappy they were or become feminists. It’s kinda fucked up that you’re doing this, especially now.”

“BUT!” I told your Mom.

In addition to Phizer supplying all our Senior Editors, most of whom are already on at least one psychiatric medication (I’m on two!), with a lifetime supply of Xanax-rec, we will be running an aggressive display ad campaign, complete with pop-up ads that will leap from the page directly into your soul on every post about climate change or the Trump administration.

You can also look forward to a series of sponsored posts that will exploit surface-level diversity with seemingly effortless in-group cultural references in hopes of manipulating an underserved community into associating corporation with self-affirming and authentic emotions.

The best news of all? Those of you who are prescribed Xanax because you actually need it to function will no longer have to suffer through ten minutes of small talk with friends you haven’t heard from in forever who really should just cut to the chase if all they want to know is if you can spare a Xanax. (Very rude, friends!)

The first 100 orders of xanax-rec come with a free sticker!


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Profile gravatar of Riese

Riese is the 35-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York City and mellowed out in California before returning to Michigan for reasons that are unclear to her now — she is currently plotting her return to the West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2383 articles for us.

37 Comments

  1. 15

    I would buy stickers of all those ads tbh

    I’ll take a four-year supply of Xanax-Rec please and thank you. But delivered in batches so I can get lots of intern winks.

    “complete with pop-up ads that will leap from the page directly into your soul on every post about climate change or the Trump administration” made me lolol

  2. 6

    I hope those interns do international delivery because I don’t think there’s ever been a more necessary moment in my life for Xanax-rec. I’ll take a lifetime supply plz thx.

    Also: that take a chill pill line cracked me up XD

  3. 10

    Has AS written anything about positive-ish experiences with psychiatric drugs? Autostraddle is simultaneously my older sister and girlfriend and I need some advice on fixing my head. I think I need something to help me feel like a Real Person and also to keep me from feeling like a Real Person (aka caring) too fucking much.

    • 6

      I’ve had an ultimately really positive experience of an anti-depressant. It took a while. I had several episodes of depression and tried about four different meds over that time. I wasn’t as good at advocating for myself with them as I might have been–I should’ve spoken up rather than putting up. Don’t just accept persistent nausea, or emotional blunting, or lack of discernable effect. When I finally got on a med that worked for me, the benefit was very noticeable very quickly. It was unmistakeable: I suddenly felt human again, with human-scale suffering. My effective anti-depressant doesn’t stop me feeling the full range of emotions, but it stops the negative ones from spiralling into something unrecognisably vast. It doesn’t stop the wonky thought-patterns, but it gives me a level of emotional stability which enables me to recognise and work through those.

      If you do think you’re experiencing mental health issues, please do advocate for yourself with your doctor, keep a journal mentioning side effects and emotions as you start medication, and if possible enlist people close to you to keep an eye on you and changes you may not notice. Also check your weight regularly so you can get on top of any weight gain. But seriously, it can make a difference, and it can do so without changing who you are, removing your emotional range, or preventing you from feeling pain, rage or sorrow.

  4. 27

    I REALLY want that Fine Just Fine sticker to be a real thing!!!!!! I just had to replace my laptop cause my beloved one with a you do you sticker was not functioning anymore! Fine Just Fine would be perfect for my new one! Can this be a thing?!

  5. 3

    Xanax-Rec, sounds like it works just like dark chocolate squares. With chocolate on hand, I JDGAF and take a moment to enjoy the creamy goodness to be had.

    And where can I get one of those Stickers y’all?

  6. 4

    Ok, this is way better than Erin’s attempt (come on, Erin, nobody in hell could believed that, even under Xanax).

    But even if it’s free I rather trust my little garden-variety Sativa (yep the best outcome of my dreaded moving is my beautiful backyard).

  7. 2

    Yeah, this is absolutely disgusting. I can’t believe only one other person has written back about benzodiazapene addiction. Please consider removing this from your site. This is in very bad taste. Xanax is highly addictive and terrible to quit. This is sad.

  8. 9

    I gotta agree with some of the other comments here, while I know this is obviously a joke, anyone who is seriously considering taking xanax (prescription or illegally) really needs to research the heck out of it first.
    A starting dose is a QUARTER of a standard Pfizer 2mg bar, not a whole bar. Daily use for over a month or two will result in tolerance (meaning you’ll need more than that quarter bar), addiction, and its withdrawals can be worse than heroins. You’ll likely have seizures if you stop cold turkey, and you’ll need to follow a strict tapering off plan for the following couple of months to reduce the withdrawals worst effects.

    While there are good times to be had on xanax, I urge anyone considering this drug to educate themselves first, so you know exactly what you’re getting into <3

  9. 2

    Thank you to those of you who see where I was coming.

    I apologize for the typos in the original post. I meant to say that people are killing themselves to be free from these kinds of drugs.

    There was a young man in the area I grew up in whose recent suicide was related to Xanax. He made his battle very public on Facebook. Brad Verret was his name. His body was recovered from a near by river after being missing for some time.

    Drugs, pharmaceutical and otherwise in this country are leaving so much tragedy and carnage behind. To see them celebrated, and joked about crushes my soul.

  10. 1

    I thought this article was going to be about recommendations for fanfiction, books, movies, TV, etc. that could provide comfortable escapism from real life without inducing inchoate rage at real life’s injustices. 😉

    Pretty darkly funny. Love the ads.

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