Boob(s On Your) Tube: Abby Wambach Makes Out With Her Wife On International TV, Deal With It

Two very important things happened since we last met to discuss the boobs on our tubes. I will list them for you in order of importance.

Number one: Abby Wambach made out with her wife on national television after the United States Women’s National Team won the World Cup last night. (A TV event my girlfriend live-reviewed like this: “Whoa. WHOA. WHOA!!! WHOA!!!!!!!“‘ And that was just the first 15 minutes.)

Number two: When Empire returns for its second season, Marisa Tomei will play a “lesbian billionaire.” Which: I mean, cool and everything, but I just want Cookie Lyon back in my life, Boo-Boo Kitties.


Complications

Thursdays on USA at 9:00 p.m.

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MEOW, MAMA!

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WTF, are you trying to Toxic Tonya my cat?

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NO! Mr. Piddles was the only likable person on The L Word! I loved him!

I have, very weirdly, fallen in love with Gretchen on Complications. I didn’t let myself believe in her because of White Collar, of course, but now she has won me over completely. She’s a total misandrist! This week she said out loud to a guy who asked her out, “Don’t like sushi, don’t like guys, and don’t like you.” Also, her cat is named Measles!

This week, Gretchen and John are still hustling to hide the patient they stole on the pilot episode. Gretchen’s not really feeling it, but then her sister shows up by breaking in through her bedroom window, and Gretchen has to find a way to get $10K to get her back into rehab. So, she hits up this skeezy plastic surgeon she used to work for and he says he’ll hide the guy from the pilot $25K, so Gretchen gives John a price tag of $35K and all her problems are solved. He gives her a sack of cash; she pays to move a body and send her sister back to drug counseling. Well, I mean, not all her problems are solved. Her sister is prone to breaking and entering and addiction and also she let Measles outside and forgot about her! And, you know, all the Medicare fraud and rage and all that. But she’s okay for now!

We also find out this week that Gretchen and her sister come from foster care, which seems like it will be important somehow.

Hashtag Measles, though.


Defiance

Fridays on Syfy at 8:00 p.m.

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Human mansplainers always have the tiniest little brains.

Doc Yewll showed up in a major way this week, saving the lives of both Irisa and Nolan for the hundredth time, despite the fact that they held her down and “skinned her alive” a couple of weeks ago. That’s how she tells it to the veterinarian who helps her remove the alien brain ticks that are inside Nolan and Irisa’s noggins anyway.

To do the surgery, Yewll had to borrow a kind of sentient tech from Kindzi, the lady Omec whose screentime has been seriously neglected, and who, upon meeting Yewll for the first time, said to her: “T’ep k’udademet raniip gipekel av k’useket nok, dats’ik Indo! Ve’ak!” (Translation: “I will gorge upon your hexagonal brain and bury the pulpy remains in the dirt, Indo betrayer! Face taker!”)

Anyway, Yewll’s definitely got a crush on her!

Stahma continued having such sex with the dude Omec that Syfy gave me a warning to avert my eyes every time a commercial break was over. Alak returned after chopping up a bunch of humans and held a knife to his mom’s throat and wailed about dead boring Christie. Amanda fawned relentlessly over dying Nolan. And Nolan remembered how he turned into a hardcore killer and turned Irisa into one too. She tried to bounce to get some space, but the way Doc Yewll did their surgery, they have to stay within 200 feet of each other for the rest of time.


The Fosters

Mondays on ABC Family at 8:00 p.m.

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The Fosters: 75 Percent Queer At All Times

Cole returned to The Fosters this week to host a queer prom that nearly caused Jude to lose his mind. Jude was psyched to go to the dance and slow dance with Connor and stuff, but completely overwhelmed by everyone introducing themselves with their chosen labels and their pronouns. Connor was freaked out that Jude was freaked out and told him he wasn’t interested in being Jude’s Big Gay Experiment or whatever, so, after a heart-to-heart with Cole about how sometimes labels are restrictive but sometimes they are safety and freedom, Jude said out loud that he is gay.

Cole got a big ol’ crush on Callie, but she only wanted to be his friend. He assumed it was because he’s trans, but she assured him that she is only attracted to entitled teen assholes, so it was most definitely her and not him. Cole — being neither entitled, nor an asshole — took her at her word and danced with her for funsies anyway.

Meanwhile, Vee returned and brought along Nate to a dinner party at Stef and Lena’s, which made Lena more upset than we’ve ever seen her, times a billion. Because Nate called Vee a horrible racial slur when Lena was a teen and he still hasn’t apologized for it. It gets even weirder when Nate shows up with his girlfriend and she is black (due to him being pretty racist last time Lena saw him). Vee keeps telling Lena to please stop talking about Nate’s mistake and Stef begs Vee not to erase Lena’s experiences, and finally Nate came clean about saying what he said, but still refuses to apologize for it.

Off-screen, Monty was lady-killing at the Cubby Hole, one supposes.


Clipped

Tuesdays on TBS at 10:00 p.m.

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Y’all want to start a lesbian commune, or nah?

A.J. turned his attention toward Charmaine in this week’s Clipped, and Dani noticed immediately. You think it’s because they’re trying to Ross and Rachel A.J. and Dani, but then Dani launches into this monologue about all Charmaine’s perfection: her fingers, her face, her wit, her “sexy energy,” the way she smells. (“Annoyance, by Charmaine” is how Charmaine describes it.) But Charmaine realizes Dani is really only noticing her because she’s noticing A.J., so she tells her to figure out if she’s in love with A.J. and Deal With It like a grown-up.

No lady love — or even discussion of Charmaine’s queerness — yet, but Diona Reasonover is a joy!

Are y’all watching this? I don’t think y’all are watching this.


Hannibal

Thursdays on NBC at 10:00 p.m.

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U got a bay, bae?

There was no Margot on this week’s Hannibal, but I want to mention her because Stef proposed to her in the comments of last week’s Boobs Tube, and I don’t want you to have missed it.


Scream

Tuesdays on MTV at 10:00 p.m.

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Heads up, BFFs. It’s open season on Liars and I’m hunting. – A

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Like how could I even be A? I’m here with you right now while someone is getting murdered!

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A is everywhere and nowhere, get serious.

Did you watch the series premiere of Scream? I did!

I know, I know: Whaaat? But I decided if I can watch Pretty Little Liars, I can watch this. I already feel bad for making Stacy tell me everything that happens on Hannibal and The Walking Dead and every other bloodbath on primetime TV. I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough to keep watching, but here’s the scoop, in case you want to dive in:

1) There are two, maaaaaybe three queer girls on this show. All white. One of them is one of the main characters, Audrey, and she is played by Bex Taylor-Klaus, who is a stone-cold teenage fox on this show. She says, “I’m not a lesbian” about a hundred times, so maybe this season will explore the the concept of queer labels in Generation Z. (Or whatever we’re calling post-Millenials. Generation T for Tumblr, maybe? Generation Harry Styles.) The second queer girl is Audrey’s gal pal. The third queer girl is a Mean Girl who says the word “bicurious” and invites Audrey to a Mean Girl party where she tells her about her fantasy of making out with ScarJo.

2) The whodunit revolves around a popular girl who was one of seven girls who recorded Audrey making out with her girlfriend and posted it on YouTube. That’s how the show opens. So, like, you know how in a horror movie, the person that gets massacred first, you’ve got to see her being a monster so you can get behind it? This girl is presented as a monster for outing a nerdy gay kid, which I’ve never seen before. I think it’s pretty revolutionary. (Like compare that to Finn Hudson just four years ago outing Santana like the world’s greatest hero.)

3) This GIF.

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I dunno. Audrey just seems like the kind of girl who would CLEAN UP at A-Camp, so I want you to know she’s out there existing on MTV, even if I get too freaked out to keep watching this show.


Rookie Blue

Thursdays on ABC at 10 p.m.

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I didn’t even meet Cosima; how can I give you her number?

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Fine. How about Ms. S?

Many of you expressed an interest in Gail Peck when I showed you a photo of her last week for the first time, so I feel like I should back up and properly introduce her: She is a cop on the Canadian show Rookie Blue, which ABC airs in the summer time like Syfy does for Lost Girl. The show is in its sixth season now, but Gail didn’t start exploring her sexuality until she met a pathologist named Holly, who appeared in the seventh episode of season four, “Friday the 13th.” So that’s where you can start watching if you want to see queer Gail realize she’s queer. Holly left at the end of season five, but Gail’s gayness is here to stay.

This week, Gail & Co. investigated the disappearance of Gracie from Orphan Black, who played an abused teenage girl on this show too. It appeared that she’d been kidnapped, but really her dad killed their dog and locked her in the freezer and was an all around monster. So Gail helped the mom leave the dad with Gracie and Gracie’s brother too.

Gail is awesome. And a total babe; y’all were right about that, of course.


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+ Orange Is The New Black Episode 305 Recap: Fake Acid, Fake Personality Tests and Real Panties
Piper and Alex make plans to be stereotypical lesbeans! Black Cindy gets some new curls. Flaca starts a feelings-war with her homegirls in the kitchen. And everyone fills out their E-Harmony profile together!

+ Pretty Little Liars 605 Recap: The Girl With the Tippi Tattoo
Sara Harvey takes Emily to get a tattoo while Spencer and Hanna go creeping in the Radley Basement of Infinite Horrors.

+ Feminism, Queerness, and Dead Lesbians: It’s an “Orphan Black” Season 3 Roundtable!
“I’m still processing this. I’m not okay.”

Heather Hogan is an Autostraddle managing editor who lives in New York City with her partner, Stacy, and their cackle of rescued pets. She's a member of the Television Critics Association, the Gay and Lesbian Entertainment Critics Association, and a Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer critic. You can also find her on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

Heather has written 838 articles for us.

26 Comments

  1. Last night, after the USWNT made me so proud, I watched Abby kiss her wife, and at no point while it was on air did I think twice about it…or wonder how on Earth this was actually being show on FOX. It wasn’t until 30 minutes later, when social media started blowing up that I realized that that kiss might not have aired in the past. As someone who had to hide who she was loved in the past to see that kiss on national TV, and think nothing of it, I feel proud for this team and our country. We have a long way to go to have equality for everyone, but I now have faith that in my lifetime, we will get there. I couldn’t have said that even 5 years ago….

  2. And yet, I still saw a few media publications post pictures of Abby kissing her wife but referred to her as either “a fan” or “a friend”. Just gals being pals. Friendship goals.

  3. “Audrey just seems like the kind of girl who would CLEAN UP at A-Camp”- Ha! this is so perfect and so true.

    Also what you say about the way outing a teen is treated in scream is dead on.

    I’m really not sure how I felt about the first episode of scream. Scream and Scream 4 are some of my favorite movies and the commercials for the tv show made me really nervous, but the actual episode was better than I thought it was going to be. But I was REALLY annoyed that everyone was white except for one person. And it wasn’t anywhere as funny as the scream movies, even the bad ones, which weirded me out.

    Also, does anyone know if the scream tv show takes place in the scream movie universe? like does the Stab movie franchise exist?

    • I loved Scream (it came out my senior year of HS) and then I was surprised that I also loved Scream 4… The two in between make me sad to know they exist… But I was really sad/surprised to see such a lack of diversity in the cast of the TV show. It’s 2015, people! Mainstream America DOES NOT look like this anymore.
      And to answer your question about Stab – Scream movies (2-4) like to reference Stab, and because the TV show didn’t, I’m assuming it exists in a reality where the Scream/Stab movies never happened, and are instead focusing on the serial killer “Brandon James”…

      I’m crossing my fingers for a cameo by Neve, Courteney and/or David!

  4. after seeing carli loyd score from middle fucking field should make the fifa powers feel stupid at the fact that the mens team got to walk away with 35 million compared to the women taking only 2!

  5. ABBY WAMBACH. That kiss was just the good feels topping on a huge good feels sundae which was the whole game/winning the cup etc. My favorite thing is how the only thing about it was it was fulfilling the whole “team member joyfully embracing their spouse at the end of a gold winning championship match” and not “big gay lesbian makes a bold political statement about sexuality on air” thing. Also that it wasn’t hastily cut off or even really commented on.

    It still surprises me how much “equality” equates to “boring and normal” but I love it all the same. 🙂

  6. Okay…so I just really want to share this:

    About 13 years ago, my wife took me to see a match in San Diego. Mia Hamm was the big name playing, but I was watching, saying “I don’t know who that tall blonde player is, but she’s amazing (and I now have a crush)!”.
    All these years later, I feel so proud to watch the one I picked out kiss her wife on television, after capping her amazing career by winning the world cup.

    Also, that San Diego game, she jumped Mia, and rolled her on the ground after scoring. Quite frankly, my brain thinks up any excuse to replay that sequence.

  7. Wambach macking on her wife is the best kind of WHOA THAT JUST HAPPENED HOLY SHIT kinda thing you could hope to see on national American TV compared to that last lap at the Daytona.
    It’s a moment that harms fuckin no body. Love; real kind, patient, persevering, rejoiceful love cannot harm people the way hot fence shredding shrapnel from a vehicle going hundreds of MPH can.
    It’s 2015 people an’ are getting their knickers in a knot over love, but not the fact we can’t seem to spit up the tech or engineering to protect spectators from flying car parts. Nevermind it’s modern day bloodsport.
    So many things are wronger than a public display of affection between 2 people who love each other.
    #has no patience for BS today
    #fuckingconfederateflag
    #TRUMP

  8. – Wait, didn’t Gracie call Cosima? Isn’t that how Cosima knew that it wasn’t Shay who dimed them out to Castor?
    – I love that you call Emma, who’s supposed to be the innocent good girl, a Mean Girl.
    – When is fake Kenya coming back? I’ve had enough of Stahma sleeping with these guys. Give her her heart back.

  9. Foster Family:
    – I love Cole. Can we please keep him? Like, as a recurring character?
    – Stef defending Lena against Vee? hell yeah! Miss Rosa would be proud!
    – Jude and Connor continue to be adorable
    – Lena should really tell Stef about that kiss…
    – AJ and BrandzzzZzZzzzzZzZzZ

  10. i didn’t know where else to post this but i’ve been dying to know what Autostraddlers have to say about Rihanna’s BBHMM! i think that visually it’s very pleasing, but feel uncomfortable with it if i analyze it.

  11. Like, the pay deal isn’t even just that it’s sexist as fuck (I mean, it is…). It’s downright absurd. The US men’s team SUCKS. THEY SUCK. They cannot win at anything. In contrast, half the players on the women’s team are some of the best athletes in the world. Wambach is a world record holder for both women AND men. Hope Solo is one of the best goalkeeps in the world, men and women (and she could’ve been one of the best forwards but she literally just didn’t feel like it). They are powerhouses who plow through everyone in their way. How can you completely ignore that? Goddamn.
    And I say this as someone who thinks Hope Solo’s voice is the most obnoxious thing on the planet. She still deserves to make BANK. You can’t argue that she’s not a titan of an athlete.
    If the women’s team were ever to play the men’s, god, they’d slaughter them.

  12. I miss when the Fosters had its own recaps! I see where they’re coming from in this episode with Jude comforting Connor by using a label but I wasn’t thrilled that he was pressured into fitting into that box. Anyone else feel that way?

    • Yes! I was not impressed with the greeters at the dance expectantly waiting for Jude to label himself, and for the one greeter to give Connor the lecture about avoiding curious/questioning baby gays.

  13. Generation Tumblr is precise.
    Also- is the Scream girl the one who played Bullet on The Killing? I think she is. And she was a lesbian there, soooo one would hope she’s on team queermo IRL right??

  14. I am totally watching Clipped! So far it’s been on Wednesday mornings while trying to convince myself that I’m actually awake enough to teach. I wish more queerness would happen, but I’ve been finding it pretty entertaining regardless.

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