Two very important things happened since we last met to discuss the boobs on our tubes. I will list them for you in order of importance.
Number one: Abby Wambach made out with her wife on national television after the United States Women’s National Team won the World Cup last night. (A TV event my girlfriend live-reviewed like this: “Whoa. WHOA. WHOA!!! WHOA!!!!!!!“‘ And that was just the first 15 minutes.)
Number two: When Empire returns for its second season, Marisa Tomei will play a “lesbian billionaire.” Which: I mean, cool and everything, but I just want Cookie Lyon back in my life, Boo-Boo Kitties.
Thursdays on USA at 9:00 p.m.
I have, very weirdly, fallen in love with Gretchen on Complications. I didn’t let myself believe in her because of White Collar, of course, but now she has won me over completely. She’s a total misandrist! This week she said out loud to a guy who asked her out, “Don’t like sushi, don’t like guys, and don’t like you.” Also, her cat is named Measles!
This week, Gretchen and John are still hustling to hide the patient they stole on the pilot episode. Gretchen’s not really feeling it, but then her sister shows up by breaking in through her bedroom window, and Gretchen has to find a way to get $10K to get her back into rehab. So, she hits up this skeezy plastic surgeon she used to work for and he says he’ll hide the guy from the pilot $25K, so Gretchen gives John a price tag of $35K and all her problems are solved. He gives her a sack of cash; she pays to move a body and send her sister back to drug counseling. Well, I mean, not all her problems are solved. Her sister is prone to breaking and entering and addiction and also she let Measles outside and forgot about her! And, you know, all the Medicare fraud and rage and all that. But she’s okay for now!
We also find out this week that Gretchen and her sister come from foster care, which seems like it will be important somehow.
Hashtag Measles, though.
Fridays on Syfy at 8:00 p.m.
Doc Yewll showed up in a major way this week, saving the lives of both Irisa and Nolan for the hundredth time, despite the fact that they held her down and “skinned her alive” a couple of weeks ago. That’s how she tells it to the veterinarian who helps her remove the alien brain ticks that are inside Nolan and Irisa’s noggins anyway.
To do the surgery, Yewll had to borrow a kind of sentient tech from Kindzi, the lady Omec whose screentime has been seriously neglected, and who, upon meeting Yewll for the first time, said to her: “T’ep k’udademet raniip gipekel av k’useket nok, dats’ik Indo! Ve’ak!” (Translation: “I will gorge upon your hexagonal brain and bury the pulpy remains in the dirt, Indo betrayer! Face taker!”)
Anyway, Yewll’s definitely got a crush on her!
Stahma continued having such sex with the dude Omec that Syfy gave me a warning to avert my eyes every time a commercial break was over. Alak returned after chopping up a bunch of humans and held a knife to his mom’s throat and wailed about dead boring Christie. Amanda fawned relentlessly over dying Nolan. And Nolan remembered how he turned into a hardcore killer and turned Irisa into one too. She tried to bounce to get some space, but the way Doc Yewll did their surgery, they have to stay within 200 feet of each other for the rest of time.
Mondays on ABC Family at 8:00 p.m.
Cole returned to The Fosters this week to host a queer prom that nearly caused Jude to lose his mind. Jude was psyched to go to the dance and slow dance with Connor and stuff, but completely overwhelmed by everyone introducing themselves with their chosen labels and their pronouns. Connor was freaked out that Jude was freaked out and told him he wasn’t interested in being Jude’s Big Gay Experiment or whatever, so, after a heart-to-heart with Cole about how sometimes labels are restrictive but sometimes they are safety and freedom, Jude said out loud that he is gay.
Cole got a big ol’ crush on Callie, but she only wanted to be his friend. He assumed it was because he’s trans, but she assured him that she is only attracted to entitled teen assholes, so it was most definitely her and not him. Cole — being neither entitled, nor an asshole — took her at her word and danced with her for funsies anyway.
Meanwhile, Vee returned and brought along Nate to a dinner party at Stef and Lena’s, which made Lena more upset than we’ve ever seen her, times a billion. Because Nate called Vee a horrible racial slur when Lena was a teen and he still hasn’t apologized for it. It gets even weirder when Nate shows up with his girlfriend and she is black (due to him being pretty racist last time Lena saw him). Vee keeps telling Lena to please stop talking about Nate’s mistake and Stef begs Vee not to erase Lena’s experiences, and finally Nate came clean about saying what he said, but still refuses to apologize for it.
Off-screen, Monty was lady-killing at the Cubby Hole, one supposes.
Tuesdays on TBS at 10:00 p.m.
A.J. turned his attention toward Charmaine in this week’s Clipped, and Dani noticed immediately. You think it’s because they’re trying to Ross and Rachel A.J. and Dani, but then Dani launches into this monologue about all Charmaine’s perfection: her fingers, her face, her wit, her “sexy energy,” the way she smells. (“Annoyance, by Charmaine” is how Charmaine describes it.) But Charmaine realizes Dani is really only noticing her because she’s noticing A.J., so she tells her to figure out if she’s in love with A.J. and Deal With It like a grown-up.
No lady love — or even discussion of Charmaine’s queerness — yet, but Diona Reasonover is a joy!
Are y’all watching this? I don’t think y’all are watching this.
Thursdays on NBC at 10:00 p.m.
There was no Margot on this week’s Hannibal, but I want to mention her because Stef proposed to her in the comments of last week’s Boobs Tube, and I don’t want you to have missed it.
Tuesdays on MTV at 10:00 p.m.
Did you watch the series premiere of Scream? I did!
I know, I know: Whaaat? But I decided if I can watch Pretty Little Liars, I can watch this. I already feel bad for making Stacy tell me everything that happens on Hannibal and The Walking Dead and every other bloodbath on primetime TV. I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough to keep watching, but here’s the scoop, in case you want to dive in:
1) There are two, maaaaaybe three queer girls on this show. All white. One of them is one of the main characters, Audrey, and she is played by Bex Taylor-Klaus, who is a stone-cold teenage fox on this show. She says, “I’m not a lesbian” about a hundred times, so maybe this season will explore the the concept of queer labels in Generation Z. (Or whatever we’re calling post-Millenials. Generation T for Tumblr, maybe? Generation Harry Styles.) The second queer girl is Audrey’s gal pal. The third queer girl is a Mean Girl who says the word “bicurious” and invites Audrey to a Mean Girl party where she tells her about her fantasy of making out with ScarJo.
2) The whodunit revolves around a popular girl who was one of seven girls who recorded Audrey making out with her girlfriend and posted it on YouTube. That’s how the show opens. So, like, you know how in a horror movie, the person that gets massacred first, you’ve got to see her being a monster so you can get behind it? This girl is presented as a monster for outing a nerdy gay kid, which I’ve never seen before. I think it’s pretty revolutionary. (Like compare that to Finn Hudson just four years ago outing Santana like the world’s greatest hero.)
3) This GIF.
I dunno. Audrey just seems like the kind of girl who would CLEAN UP at A-Camp, so I want you to know she’s out there existing on MTV, even if I get too freaked out to keep watching this show.
Thursdays on ABC at 10 p.m.
Many of you expressed an interest in Gail Peck when I showed you a photo of her last week for the first time, so I feel like I should back up and properly introduce her: She is a cop on the Canadian show Rookie Blue, which ABC airs in the summer time like Syfy does for Lost Girl. The show is in its sixth season now, but Gail didn’t start exploring her sexuality until she met a pathologist named Holly, who appeared in the seventh episode of season four, “Friday the 13th.” So that’s where you can start watching if you want to see queer Gail realize she’s queer. Holly left at the end of season five, but Gail’s gayness is here to stay.
This week, Gail & Co. investigated the disappearance of Gracie from Orphan Black, who played an abused teenage girl on this show too. It appeared that she’d been kidnapped, but really her dad killed their dog and locked her in the freezer and was an all around monster. So Gail helped the mom leave the dad with Gracie and Gracie’s brother too.
Gail is awesome. And a total babe; y’all were right about that, of course.
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