Welcome to the fifth recap of the third season of Orange Is the New Black, a docu-drama about the last, bloody effort of men to thwart the inevitable genesis of an earth-saving matriarchal society.
Poussey is laughing, probably because she saw a pic of Lauren Morelli at A-camp making suspenders in Laura’s workshop. Damn it’s nice to open with Poussey and that perfect smile of hers.
Enter Taystee carrying cleaning supplies and bringing her own gorgeous smile and perfect cheekbones to the scene. Poussey doesn’t jump up to help her and Taystee gives her some friendly shit for it. They’re just chums being chums y’all.
Poussey is going through the library’s card catalog to determine which books were destroyed during Caputo’s Bed Bug Reign of Terror. She comes across Bernard Shaw’s Arms and The Man and makes up a summary for it. In Poussey’s version, the book is about a man who loses his arms and must use his feet as weapons. But it’s all a euphemism for being a lesbian without arms and using your feet to fist someone.
Since Samira Wiley is painfully underused in this season, they threw her a bone and let her play pretend for about five minutes. Poussey goes off on an adorable tangent, giving us her best movie trailer voice-over about the “man using his feets as a weapon” aka lesbians lesbianing with their feets.
Poussey then let’s us all know that she’s got a nap scheduled later and when I was in college, “nap” was code for “come over for a sex break” and so…Poussey is giving us everything we need in this scene. Taystee adds to Poussey’s interpretation by stating that “arms” could be weapons and that’s just code for dildos. Duh.
Poussey brings up that nap again but Taystee doesn’t bite. Fuck, like why won’t she just have a quickie nap with Poussey? Everyone takes a lesbian nap in college at least once, right?
But like any suave ladylover, Poussey doesn’t chase or beg Taystee to nap with her.
Taystee talks about the new job that’s offering $1 an hour because fuck the prison industrial system forever. Maintenance sucks. Taystee finds gross chia poon hairballs in the corner of all the showers. And when all the chia poon hairballs get together, they form Pubetropolises and Taystee has to clean them up and that shit is nasty.
Again, what better way to give Taystee and Poussey screen time than to have them talking about nasty ass shit like this? I mean, I can’t think of anything else for them to say to each other. They do the best they can and still make it cute. So back to Pubetown.
Poussey is convinced that the new $1 an hour job is gonna be the worst and instead of discussing it further, she heads off to her happy hour in a bag, that good ol’ prison hootch.
Taystee: Um, it’s 8 oclock in the morning. You drinking already?
Poussey: It’s always 5 o clock in prison
Poussey heads out into the Secret Garden and digs up her super hidden aka not hidden at all, Ziploc bag of drink and it’s mostly empty. The hootch remnants look like vom, btw.
Taystee heads out into the courtyard of dreams to watch Poussey scramble around for her next bag of vom drink. But lo and behold, all her bags are empty. Taystee suggests that it could be the drunkard prison squirrel but Poussey says that he’s been sober for awhile now. Poussey thinks that the hootch thief is probably another inmate.
Flash to Sex Machine aka Señor Beer Can Caputo making coffee. C.O. Ford approaches him about their health benefits. He can’t seem to figure them out. Also, the enrollment period for their healthcare plan is every fifth Wednesday but not after the 13th of each month because then it’s every fourth Friday before 11pm but not during the spring and C.O. Ford can’t seem to get it straight. And like any good boss, Caputo doesn’t know shit.
Wanda shuffled over to let them know that doors were put in somewhere and new beds were ordered and who the fuck is actually taking care of things in this prison? It must be a conspiracy, like when that one girl you hate is nice to you and then you turn around and she’s fucking your girlfriend. Yeah, the new corporate prison people are that girl.
Wanda doesn’t trust that trick. Neither do we. Neither does C.O. Ford. Caputo is over it. He’s over their need for stability and health care. They got a uniform right? And a walkie talkie?? Like what else could they possibly need? Jezzus, just shut up about everything else sayeth Caputo.
Gloria finds Daya in the industrial freezer which is the Litchfield equivalent of an open hydrant in the hood during the summer. Gloria tells her to stick an ice cube in her bra and keep it moving. Gloria is a fucking G, btw.
Gloria joins her kitchen crew and they all talk in Spanish with their delicious and perfect Dominicana accents. Ok, maybe it’s just Blanca speaking in Spanish and everyone else talks in English but whatever, the accents are so hot. And I’m just in love with all of them, ok? They’re talking about the new job.
Blanca, who’s like on the low one of my fave characters this season, posits that this new job could be one where they all wear sexy gender-neutral firefighter outfits and put out fires. Maritza wouldn’t mind handling a big hose which isn’t a euphemism. She really likes hoses, y’all. Daya thinks it could be a call center. Flaca wants to make all the commissions.
Gloria: Commissions? Right. You get ten percent of nothing on every nothing you nothing.
Real talk though, if any of her kitchen crew applies for the new job, Gloria’s gonna whip off her prison chanclas and beat all their asses.
Gloria catches Norma not only being late for work but also putting out her own brand of white lady santeria. Gloria’s not having that shit. She tells Norma to put that egg back w all the other eggs and get it together.
Maritza wonders if the new job is them picking up trash. Flaca is convinced that they’re going to be required to code a new enterprise to Mars and utilize all their makeup skills to give astronauts the best eyebrows and since they’ll be the astronauts, they’ll already have the best eyebrows.
Maria calls them out and says no one wants them to be astronauts. Cuz they don’t have the skills for that shit. Homegirl is still mad that she can’t see her baby, rightfully so.
Flaca makes that same point and surprisingly, Maria doesn’t take it too well. “What you say about my baby, bitch?!” is the general feel and they get into a small scuffle. I kinda like it. Girl fights are my favorite. But before they get to pull off hairnets and scratch each other’s eyes out, Gloria breaks it up. She makes Flaca scrub pans as punishment for having the best eyeliner.
Thus begins Flaca’s first real flashback. We get to see her teenage goth self looking so cute with purple tips and purple lipstick. She’s face-timing with her drug dealing yt boyfriend. She’s trying to sell drugs with him but he wants to be the one paying her telephone and automo bills.
Flaca’s mom shouts at her en Espanol where available to get her ass into the living room. Bye bye yt boyfriend.
Flaca’s got some sewing to do because Mrs. Ramirez needs her dress by this weekend. She wants the Emma Stone Golden Globes special and she’s gonna get it. Flaca’s mom isn’t playing around with her in-house fashion shop. Of course while the women work, Flaca’s brother gets to sit on his ass in the living room and watch tv. Big shouts outs to one of my boy cousins who’s over 21 and still watches cartoons in his underwear while my aunt makes him pancakes shaped like stars.
Back to everyone’s favorite character to not give af about, Piper! This scene is brought to you by the letter S. S for scuttlebutt. I literally scream laughed when Red said “scuttlebutt” in her borscht accent. Even Red knows Piper ain’t shit. Piper wants to know what the new job is all about. Like she asks for the 411 cuz she’s hip wit it. Piper wants a new job. Electrical sucks without Nicky and her wild mane of drug-hiding hair.
All Red really wants to know is if her looks makes her look like the Heat Miser. Yes, Red you look like the goddamn Heat Miser from The Year Without A Santa Claus. Own it, bb. Own that shit.
Piper attempts speaking in truths by telling Red that yes, she looks like the Heat Miser but it’s a beloved children’s Christmas cartoon and by default no one is afraid that Red is going to steal Santa Claus. Or kill Rudolph. Ok maybe Red might kill Rudolph but still, her look is hot fire and she should keep it. Maybe minus the severe old lady liberty spikes tho. Piper offers Red some candy cane lip gloss and a Charlie-in-the-box from the Island of Misfit Toys to make her feel better.
Cut to Corporate Jackoff Jr. peeing in the john and Caputo about to pee but thinking better of it. Ugh. Can we stop showing men peeing in the bathroom on tv and in films everywhere? Like we’ve all been subjected to the men-talking-about-things-at-the-urinal scene so many times in our lives. It’s over. I’m over it. Jeezus. Can’t they talk somewhere else? Caputo and Jackoff Jr. on screen take away from any of the women having more screen time so obvs I’m against this. Blah blah blah corporate takeover. Smarmy nervous Caputo wants a meeting blah blah Jackoff Jr. is like sure whatever. Go finish peeing, Caputo.
Big Boo shows up for a moment with flowers for Caputo but it’s not enough for me to feel better about so much time being devoted to Caputo & Jackoff Jr.
ATTN OITNB: NO ONE IS WATCHING THIS SHOW FOR THE BACKSTORY ABOUT OR DIALOGUE BETWEEN ANY OF THE MALE CHARACTERS. NO ONE.
Cut to Healey and Red. I love Red so much. Why are they doing her like this with all these scenes between her and Grandpa Douche Healey? POR QUEEE??? Red needs to be plotting her kitchen takeover or figuring out a way to smuggle in more chickens, not half-flirting with the old grey nightmare. She is cute with her new looqs tho. She’s Heat Miser lite and Healey notices. Sometimes all a person wants is someone to notice the little things, right? Sigh. Fine.
Berdie, the new C.O. or something, the breath of fresh air their department needed, breezes on through and asks for help. She needs a hard femme to help hang her Autostaddle calendar. Red suggests she ask Laura W. or Mary T. Berdie thanks her, sticks her tongue out at Mealey Healey, and continues on her merry fucking way.
Healey doesn’t like Berdie because she’s perfect and better at her job than he is and so his white male superiority complex is acting up. His belly swells with unnecessary pride so often that it pops a button on his work shirt. Red fixes it for him in a tender-icky moment between them. Literally, in any other context I’m down for older people falling in love but I can’t w Healey y’all. I just cannot, will not, won’t stop.
However, Red’s flirting ends with a discussion of irritable bowels so I’d say she’s winning at wooing Healey since his whole everything gives me IBS.
We zoom over to Norma, La Santera Blanca, as Gloria is about to let loose some chancla ass whoopings. No one steals Gloria’s eggs for spirit work. Let this be a lesson on cultural appropriation for generations to come. Don’t fuck with shit that ain’t your shit.
Norma snatched Gloria’s candle, beads, honey and her magic eggs.
Gloria: This ain’t your history. It ain’t your culture. It stops now.
Gloria takes pity on Norma and gives her the honey. For eating only tho! No Spellllsss!
Over in the Spanish Harlem section of Litchfield, Maritza and Flaca talk about this magical job and how Flaca is gonna kill it during the interview portion. Like this is some kind of Miss Prison Pageant or something. Insert unnecessary slur for dark-skinned folks en español and continue conversation — the casual racism everyone spews on this show is a bit much. Flaca is aiming for the stars in prison.
This job could get her out of the kitchen and closer to fulfilling her destiny. Flaca is destined for greatness, y’all. I mean look at the wings she made with her eyeliner. Martiza is pissed cuz like the kitchen staff is family and family units work when each person does what they’re supposed to do. Can’t have a functioning kitchen when one person is daydreaming about being better. This is literally the entire premise of the movie ANTZ y’all.
Flashback to Flaca standing in the halls of The High School for Latina Goths, with her friend who looks like Spinelli from Recess. They’re fly af. My god if I had been in hs with them, I would have written creepy journal entries about how bad I wanted to be their friend and also Elicia-esque poetry about wanting to snuggle their faces.
In her own DIY segment, Flaca demonstrates how to make and sell fake ass acid to buy flatform shoes, the only acceptable school shoes in the HS for Latina Goths. She made her cherry bomb tabs and sold them at the US Lesbian Soccer World Cup and made that cash.
Cue awkward wanna be cool teenage boys looking to score some acid cuz all the lesbians at the soccer game chased them away from the field. Flaca takes pity on them and offers to sell them some more. Cuz the HS for Latina Goths teaches its student body to take pity on lesser mortals at all times.
Flaca: Acid is not for escaping reality, it’s for embracing it.
She sells them the acid at school like mad suspect like she’s never seen a movie before or seen other people not sell drugs in high school oh my god you don’t do it at your lockers. You do it down the block or like between stalls in the girls bathroom or LIKE NOT AT ALL CUZ YOU WILL GET FUCKED SO HARD FOR SELLING DRUGS WITHIN A SCHOOL ZONE JEEZUS CHRIST KIDS DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME OR AT YOUR HS FOR LATINA GOTHS.
Spinelli thinks Flaca is gonna get busted for selling fake shit. Flaca goes on a Neil DeGrasse Tyson style monologue about the wonders of the universe and assures Spinelli that it’s all good, baby baby.
Cue Cesar and Daya in the hotel lobby of Litchfield just kicking it and talking about Bennett’s extreme white flight. “That fucker hobbled away into the sunset” And in true Cesar form, he uses asinine logic steeped in misogyny to explain why it’s not Daya’s fault that Bennet ran away cuz real men stick with their crazy pregnant bitches no matter what especially when they’re in prison cuz that’s what real g’s do while they move in silence like lasagna. Cesar OUT.
Daya is sad and that makes me sad.
We zoom happily over into the Great Hall of Litchfield. There’s a buzz in the air as the sorting hat finds its way into the kitchen or the test for the new job whatever. Everyone is huddled over their personality quiz with their appropriate race/ethnic group and praying for the best.
Flaca and Blanca are obvs at the same test taking table. Flaca freaks out cuz she sucks at taking tests. Yo girl, I feel you. And Blanca, the secret queen of this entire season, tells her that her insecurity over taking a test is just an excuse for her stupidity.
Over at Black Cindy’s Table of Excellence, Black Cindy is convinced that because they’re taking a reading test for this new job, the new job must be building warheads or spaceships or something involving white folks colonization of mars. Or private military contractors like Halliburton are going to use their labor for profit and to weaponize smallpox. Black Cindy knows what the fuck is up. Obvs whatever it is, the inmates are going to suffer from disastrous side effects like turning into the Simpson’s three-eyed fish or possibly syncing up with periods so strong they cause a flood that frees everyone at Litchfield.
Suzanne jumps in and teaches us about how mutations actually work. Our babies will be born with the gills and we’ll just all die of cancer.
TURN YOUR PAPERS OVER AND BEGIN TEST-TAKING PANIC ATTACK
At the post-racial, white american table, Big Boo and Alex talk smack about the creepy E-Harmony meets Divergent style questions on the test. Uppity ass Piper thinks they’re going to get in trouble, so she leaves the table and no one misses her. Alex and Big Boo take shots and get cozy cuz fuck Piper. JK I KID but that would be super hot anywayyyy.
And for some reason a hot ass woman of color sits next to Alex and more chills went through my body then when Piper was munching on Alex’s bits two or three episodes ago. WHO IS THIS SCORCHING INMATE??
Leanne and Ang make a pact and do their secret handshake that’s also code for not understanding why they’re so deeply attracted to one another.
This scene pings back and forth from table to table. Every cast member gets a second to showcase their feelings on this test. It’s fun. Also, Flaca is slowly melting down and shooting into deep test panic mode which totally reminds me of every time I took a math test ever. Also, Morello gets in some good worry-based screen time. Too bad we won’t get to see her having orgasms with Nichols anymore.
Flaca melts down completely and C.O. Maxwell sends her on her way. Bye Flacita.
We’re back at the High School for Latina Goths and Flaca’s sharing her vision for an all emo wardrobe, draped heavily with goth fabrics and multiple shades of black. Hark! Who’s at the top of Mount High School? Some idiot that dropped Flaca’s fake tabs and is about to jump off the building, that’s who. I would be so pissed if I was Flaca like damn way to call attention to my whole shit with your dumbass. And then he jumps and Flaca’s eyeliners bleeds through the streets.
In Ye Olde Prison Chicken Yard, Red and Jones discuss what types of vegetable they should plant. They’re doing just fine until Litchfield’s Rush Limbaugh joins them. He just stands there as all the carbon monoxide pours out of his mouth and into the air. Red applauds his hot air and Jones watches them both like “what is even happening right now.” Jones is over Healybaugh and doesn’t even want to be in this scene.
Man tells story. Women pretend to be interested. Time for the rest of us to fold some laundry or go for a run before Healy’s carbon monoxide kills.
Over in more interesting pastures, Black Cindy and Watson are getting some exercise running. I would have rather watched them run in silence for the entire time it took Healy to tell his wak ass story, btw.
Piper’s running behind them. Alex tosses her a gatorade and they cop a squat by the prison yard gates. Piper daydreams out loud about the life they could live outside of prison.
Piper could do electrical work and Alex could run a landscaping business and they could be dykes for real! According to Puta Madre Piper, that includes not shaving, driving pickup trucks, camping and going to golf tournaments. Alex, not at all amused by Piper’s lesbian stereotypes, wonders who that fine ass human is running around the track. Piper says more stupid stuff and Alex shuts her down. Alex is hella good at wrecking any and all jokes Piper makes. But then Alex says something about the inmate’s Disney princess being Jasmine and I feel like this is some racist bullshit that white girls would only say to each other, so once again I’m good on Alex and Piper and their whole thing.
Alex is scared she’s gonna die in prison. Piper thinks it’s funny to burst holes in all of Alex’s “I’m gonna die” conspiracy theories. I can’t tell who’s more annoying at this point: Alex, the paranoid racist, or the oblivious box of uncooked spaghetti that is Piper.
Soso comes to Norma for guidance and love. Soso tells some convoluted story about a hugging saint and I almost fell asleep but then she asked the world’s most important question: Why don’t I have any friends that care about me? Norma holds her hand. Soso knows there are connections to be made but how? Where? With whom? What is life, y’all? The Care Bear Norma Stare works again and Soso is soothed.
Back in the Secret Garden, Poussey works on her gourmet alcoholic milkshakes while Leanne and Ang bring her their tithing envelopes.
Leanne is convinced that a squaccoon is stealing Poussey’s hootch. Poussey stops what she’s doing and gives Leanne a basic lesson in animal sex times that includes the true fact that raccoons and squirrels can’t procreate. Leanne’s like whatever this is America and anything is possible in the Land of the Free. According to Leanne, pee and cayenne pepper will keep the drunk squirrels and horny raccoons and deadbeat skunks at bay. She is a fucking genius.
Pornstache’s mom and Daya are back at the UN Negotiation Baby Peace Treatises. Daya’s like just take my baby, white lady. Pornstache’s mom is upset that Daya won’t let her deliver the white savior speech she had Patricia Arquette write for her. She’s been practicing all morning and like why is Daya being such an agreeable bitch? Still she tries to deliver the speech and Daya’s eyes just roll all over this scene and just take the damn baby, ok?
The new work assignment sheet is up and the inmates are lined up as if they were waiting to find out if they made Glee Club. Everyone makes Glee Club, y’all. Black Cindy and Watkins make the cut. So does Piper. Suzanne doesn’t and she almost tailspins into a slapping fit but Taystee reminds her she’s too magnificent for this job and that test.
Watkins and Black Cindy engage each other in the magical way Taystee and Poussey used to and it makes me miss their chemistry. Black Cindy’s gonna get a new hair piece and I hope it’s glorious.
Morello didn’t make the cut but it’s probably because she wrote a non-fiction essay entitled “How My Totally Real Husband Named Christopher Stole Christmas” instead of answering any of the questions on the test.
FLACA GOT THE JOB CUZ HER SMARTS KICKED IN LIKE WHAT.
Piper thinks it’s hella funny to make jokes about her girlfriend’s very real fear of getting murdered in prison. It’s like when you find that person that knows how to make light of your trauma even when you ask them to stop, that’s the person with which you maintain a romantic relationship, that’s the keeper bae. Hahahaha someone’s gonna kill you and it could be me. Ahahah. Aww c’mon, it’s just a JOKE.
Poussey pees around her hootch. This is def the scene that’ll get Samira Wiley that Netflix Emmy. Def the scene.
All the C.O.s get their hours cut. UNION UNION UNION.
Black Cindy walks up in the bathroom just swinging her new hair. She’s important and gorgeous and my queen. If she wants to be. Anyway, she tells Taystee to go get Poussey before Poussey digs up the whole Secret Garden trying to find the hootch thief. Taystee is the one who took the stuff. She hated seeing Poussey drink so much. Ride or die friendships. But Suzanne thinks Poussey should have something to focus on even if it is the imaginary prison juice thief. I can’t get over their maxi-pad mask Taystee’s wearing, like cannot get over it.
Red and Healy are snuggled up on his office couch. Red’s talking about the yearning passion in her loins and Healy thinks this means he’s gonna get a two-minute hand job for sure but it turns out that Red’s talking about her love of the kitchen. THE KITCHEN. She’s not trying to give him an HJ. She totally led him on with her Russian accent and less severe hairstyle.
We enter the 24 hour Meth-O-Mat where Leanne, Ang, and Soso fold all of the laundry. Soso is really attempting to make friends here and it’s just not happening. In a last ditch effort to connect with them, Soso just says Wal-Mart and it’s literally her best line ever. Cuz Wal-Mart.
Gloria’s kitchen is a buzz with hotdog buns. Flaca makes her grand announcement about quitting kitchen duty and working at that new job. Gloria’s unimpressed and asks Flaca if she thinks she’s better than everyone else. And this whole circumstance is like a metaphor for what happens when you get your higher education on and some of your friends and family from the neighborhood judge you and treat you differently but it’s weird cuz usually there are folks that are proud of you too but this is prison and who gives a fuck about Flaca getting this new prison job besides Flaca? No one.
Except for Marizta. And homegirl is so heartbroken that she can’t say a word and their friendship is everything and I bet her heart is crushed beyond repair. Like those friend heartaches are worse than the romantic ones and I just want to give her a hug.
We’re back to high-school-Flaca getting arrested in her house for selling the fake drugs that some idiot took before he jumped off the roof. She spills her guts to the cops which is like always the wrong thing to do if there isn’t a lawyer for your ass present and of course, they don’t care. They cuff her and take her away.
Caputo and Corporate Dweeb Jr. talk about things. Blah blah blah something something new job. No one cares, Caputo. Just cash your checks and trim your stache.
All the new hires gather together and find out that their new jobs is:
Cue Flaca’s face.