AUTOSTRADDLE ANONYMOUS SEX TOY REVIEW #26:
It’s our twenty-sixth Autostraddle Anonymous Sex Toy Review! Over the last few years, we’ve been propositioned frequently by sex toy companies wondering if we’d like to review their toy in exchange for, you know, their toys. In 2011, in addition to “saying yes to the dress” we started saying YES to the sex toys!
This week, two reviewers took on the Hitachi Magic Wand.
Ah, the Magic Wand. Betty Dodson christened this the “Cadillac of Vibrators” in the 1970s and it wasn’t even supposed to be used on genitalia. None the less, it became a fast favorite sex toy for it’s ability to get people off in, like, 30 seconds or less. Since then, it hasn’t been ousted from its place at the top. Babeland is including this toy as one of “Babeland’s Best” for its 20-year anniversary, and we heartily agree. It’s one of the best. Two of us tested it out for you and then g-chatted about our experience. Happy Anniversary, Babeland! And happy vibrating, queermos!
Anonymous Writer A: i am here now. hello. hi. i am eating scrambled eggs.
Anonymous Writer B: Hello! I am drunk and eating carrots and hummus. LET’S TALK ABOUT CLIT VIBRATORS! *eats a carrot seductively*
Anonymous Writer A: okay yes. let’s talk about this back massager, because true life i used it on my back 3x before even touching my clit.
Anonymous Writer B: Ahahahahahahaha. Dude, I couldn’t wait, mine went right on my clit. How was it on your back?
Anonymous Writer A: it is AMAZING on the back and neck. really really excellent. also nice on the thighs.
Anonymous Writer B: That’s what the packaging said to do with it. With their amazing 80’s pictures.
Anonymous Writer A: yes! i basically followed the pictures and was not disappointed. but okay then i put it on my clit and i felt really good about that too.
Anonymous Writer B: Did it relax you or sex you up when you used it on places that weren’t your genitals?
Anonymous Writer A: ummmm both i think. relaxing and sexy feeling. what was your experience? tell me your feelings.
Anonymous Writer B: Okay, so my feels. My first impression when I took it out was: “Wow. They haven’t updated this sucker, huh? This straight up looks like a prop from a 90s space movie that required a giant white ice cream cone that plugs into the wall.” And then I turned it on and I was like: “We can work with the looks.” And then I made my girlfriend listen while it was on because that shit is loud and we were visiting her parents (and no, I couldn’t wait another day). So I was like, “Can you hear this? Can you hear this thing?” And she was like, no. So then I tried putting it on my clit and I was like TOO MUCH! So then I used it through the covers, then through my pajamas, and finally on my clit, and I think the progression made my clit super happy because I came, like, 12 seconds after that. Hitachi, as with all their other products, was efficient. Then I turned to my girlfriend and was like, “This is the most important thing to happen to my sexuality since coming out.” The end. Tell me all your feels!
Anonymous Writer A: oh my god well! yes, i was shocked by the size and like, the texture of the head. i couldn’t quite believe i was holding it in my hand. one of my favorite sex bloggers, circa 2009, used to talk about the hitachi like the godspell so it felt like a very important moment to finally own one. anyway! like i said, the first few times i used it as a back massager and i was PARANOID my roommates would be able to hear it.
Anonymous Writer B: Turns out no one can hear it, right? That was our experience.
Anonymous Writer A: i mean, i did not ask.
Anonymous Writer B: It’s loud enough that we only think people can hear it, I think. I’m not positive though.
Anonymous Writer A: i’m still paranoid they did hear it. i used it with my fan on and hoped no one heard but i’m actually still unclear and do not want to ask. anyway! after the first few times of using it like a back massager i got ready for the real deal. i put it straight on my clit and holy hell! i like the slow speed much better than the fast speed – the fast speed felt like it was gonna burn my clit off and i just didn’t even register the feeling but the slow speed is pretty fast and really powerful, obviously.
Anonymous Writer B: I like the slow speed better too. The fast one sounded too much like a jackhammer for me to comfortably introduce it to my vulva. But that might have just been in my head.
Anonymous Writer A: yeah i mean you weren’t missing out. it doesn’t feel good. so i put it on my clit and it felt amazing. i like really hard pressure on my clit and my problem with vibrators, historically, is that they feel tickley, not “gonna make me cum”ish. i did not feel that way with hitachi; we had some power between us, the wand and i. HOWEVER i did not achieve orgasm. but i think that’s more me than the product because i only orgasm a specific way that includes rubbing and friction and lying on my belly and i wasn’t doing that, i was on my back.
Anonymous Writer B: This thing is big enough that you probably could do something with rubbing/friction
Anonymous Writer A: yes i think i could orgasm with it i just have not yet. i also liked kinda nestling it into the folds of my outer labia and just letting it hum slightly below the clit.
Anonymous Writer B: Ha! I was going slightly above! At the moments where my clit was like, “back the fuck off,” it felt really nice to do it indirectly.
Anonymous Writer A: yes absolutely. weird question: how exactly are you supposed to clean it?
Anonymous Writer B: Omg, I was wondering the same! I have Babeland Toy cleaner so I just grabbed a tissue and used that. But it’s not, like, boil-able because it’s electric. So I’m wondering if there’s a way to totally disinfect it or if it’s really only a one person toy, or a toy for people who are fluid-bonded. We should probably ask Babeland.
Anonymous Writer A: yes.
Anonymous Writer B: They’re super receptive to such questions.
Anonymous Writer A: probably google, also. like maybe they answered it already.
Anonymous Writer B: Gimme one sec, I bet I can find it.
Anonymous Writer A: yes i’m looking too!
(Many seconds tick by.)
Anonymous Writer A: first i just googled “how to clean your hitachi” and i got a bunch of stuff about projectors and television and bulbs.
Anonymous Writer B: Okay, it says easy to clean on Babeland’s website, but it doesn’t specify how.
Anonymous Writer A: ugh i just found an article about other vibrators.
Anonymous Writer B: It’s hard plastic, so I bet it’s a 10% bleach solution like the ladies at the Brooklyn Babeland suggests for other hard plastic toys. But we can ask to be sure. In fact, I recommend that readers try asking Babeland sex educators a few questions – they know just about everything.
Anonymous Writer A: they clearly used the hitatchi name for seo purposes. annoying!
Anonymous Writer B: Okay, so bottom line. Would we recommend this to Autostraddle readers? I vote fuck yes.
Anonymous Writer A: FUCK YES. FUCK YES FUCK YOURSELF WITH THIS! ahem. or do a gentle backrub. whatever.
Anonymous Writer B: AND! What’s more is my girlfriend and I feel like this could also be a couples toy.
Anonymous Writer A: oh absolutely.
Anonymous Writer B: If you don’t mind having this ruddy great thing between you, it’s big enough that two parties could put it between them and hump the everliving fuck out of it, which we intend to try.
Anonymous Writer A: oh interesting, i didn’t even think of that. i more meant, it’s a couples toy as in you could trade off: use it on each other, watch each other use it, etc. which i guess you can do with any toy, so maybe nevermind.
Anonymous Writer B: Dude. Watching each other use it. Best. Thing. Ever.
Anonymous Writer A: haha yes! my partner didn’t really wanna use it on herself but she masturbated while watching me and it was very excellent for everyone involved.
Anonymous Writer B: Well it looks intimidating and if you just aren’t that into vibrators, it’s definitely not for you, you know? But I feel like Hitachi is to vibrators as Dyson is to vacuum cleaners. There just isn’t one more powerful. So if you like vibrators, you should have one. A Hitachi, I mean. Not a Dyson.
Anonymous Writer A: oh yes. absolutely. and if vibrators usually feel like “not enough,” this will be ENOUGH for sure. i would call it a “must have” frankly.
Anonymous Writer B: Me too, and I don’t call any toy a “must have.”
Anonymous Writer A: like i’m shocked i’ve been masturbating for so long without it.
Anonymous Writer B: Right?! I legit turned to girlfriend after and was like, how have we not had this forever? HOW HAS THIS ESCAPED MY TOY COLLECTION FOR SO LONG?! And when I say I don’t call any toy a “must have,” I mean I don’t usually tell people there is a “must have” because I’m all, You Do You but You Should Probably Do You With a Hitachi.
Anonymous Writer A: i feel pretty strongly that everyne could benefit from this in some way. EVEN IF ONLY AS A BACK MASSAGER.
Anonymous Writer B: And there are attachments. There’s one that looks like a flamingo that I really want.
Anonymous Writer A: right! do you know about those?
Anonymous Writer B: I have it on good authority that we should all get dimmer switches because they’re super awesome. I only know about attachments from feeling them with my hands in a Babeland store. But if you want a g-spot vibe, and you want a powerful one, there is legit nothing like a hitachi with an attachment on it. I’m not really into penetration myself, but the cool thing is you can also mitigate some of the force and get a different texture with an attachment.
Anonymous Writer A: hmmmm. okay next up: g-chats about the hitachi once we’ve both used attachments. yes? see you in a few weeks?
Anonymous Writer B: Ha, yes. Plan!