Once upon a time I had an alternative lifestyle haircut. It was pretty great. With my curly hair shaved on both sides, I had the afro version of the Mohawk – what I liked to call the mo-fro. Wherever I went, I attracted lovely looks from my fellow queer girls. It was pretty great.
I decided one day to stop with the side shaving and grow my hair out into a full-on afro. While it definitely gets attention of the “Omg, your hair’s so puffy! Can I touch it?” variety, my fro could use some help with attracting the queer gaze. Therefore, I would like to use Autostraddle to start a queer hair revolution. From now on, the afro should be the new alternative lifestyle haircut.
You may not know it yet, but trust me when I say the afro is perfectly suited to your gay lifestyle and agenda.
Reasons Why the Afro should be the New Alternative Lifestyle Haircut
1. The Afro Fulfills All Your Queer Storage Needs
I don’t know about you, but when I’m going to a hot, gay dance party, the last thing I want to be carrying is a purse. It gets in the way of dancing, you know? And a wallet bulge just looks unattractive. Solution: WEAR AN AFRO. Depending on the size/density of said afro, it can be a great place to store some dolla dolla bills y’all and an overnight kit (wink, nudge) with a pair of clean underwear and a small travel toothbrush. Should your phone not be working, the afro is also a great place to store cute girls’ numbers.
2. The Afro Functions as a Mobile Thermostat
It’s an incredibly hot and sunny day, and you’re on a date. If you happen to be taller than your date, the afro gives you an excuse to stand close to her and offer some shade.
Maybe you live in Hawaii. If that’s the case, fuck you. You don’t have to boast about it, okay? Or maybe, like me, you live in the Great Canadian North. If you are a fellow Canuck, you will be more than familiar with the freeze-your-nostril-hair cold; but lucky for you, there’s an afro for that! Though the afro does not negate the need for a warm winter hat, if worn underneath your hat, it provides a welcome layer of insulation. Now, if you come across a fellow queer while trekking through a snow bank, you don’t have to go with the old standby, “Isn’t it cold? to start a conversation. You can say, “Hey, did you read that fascinating article about the afro on Autostraddle?” She will then fall in love with you and think you are awesome because you read Autostraddle and are warm to the touch. Also maybe you can lend her your hat.
3. The Afro is your Most Useful Travelling Companion
Your active gay lifestyle probably includes a lot of travelling. Boarding a plane to visit your long-distance girlfriend? Hopping from bus to train as you backpack across Europe or South America? Whatever your particular situation, carrying a pillow is probably an awkward and unnecessary hassle. Once again, the afro is here for you! If properly arranged underneath your head, the afro makes the best of pillows. Unlike the afro as underwear-holder, which is really just a hypothesis at this point, the afro as pillow is tried, true, and tested. When I was having adventures in Europe, I slept soundly everywhere I went thanks to my afro!
4. The Afro Can Help You Change the World
For all you activist queers: are you tired of going to marches and holding up signs when you’d rather your hands be free to hold the hands of all the cute girls around you? Well, don’t worry. I have a simple solution. Just stick a sign in your afro. Now you will be advocating for social or environmental justice while leaving your hands free to do all the fun things queer girls can do with their hands.
Next time you see a cute girl with an afro, I strongly suggest you wink at her. She may just respond by asking for your number and placing it in her afro.