How’s everybody feeling on day eight of this journey? Good? Medium? I do hope the past seven days have found you well. Did you miss Saturday’s and Sunday’s post about Carol looks ranked by the degree to which they mark Therese as a snack and how to probably get Carol’s back because you have a healthy “no phone or computer” rule for weekends? That’d be okay if you did. It’s important to take a break from the internet, because like someone Beyonce knows, the internet can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare.
I’ll give you an example of it being both at once. During some casual Carol exploration, a vague, three-word search brought me directly to a site that mapped every Carol filming location (sweet dream), and on that same site was the actual address of the home where Carol and Harge lived, AKA a real home that exists (beautiful nightmare). Upon further, normal investigation, I learned some exciting news: the home Carol and Harge built and destroyed a life in is up for sale.
Yes, an early 20th century Gothic Revival home at 9,500 square feet with six beds and FIVE full baths on 2.5 acres could be yours for the modest price of 2.9 million American dollars. I say it could be yours because I actually just bought an early 20th century Gothic Revival home at 9,500 square feet with six beds and five full baths on 2.5 acres and it’s like “Blah, ah, just my luck, hahaha!” That being said, I can’t recommend owning a sprawling estate enough.
If I know early 20th century Gothic Revival homes, and I think that I do, I bet this home also has seven tiled fireplaces and an elevator that you can ride up and down for hours while you think about how you have 16 grand a month to spend on a mortgage. Still not convinced? What if I told you it has a breakfast room and a dining room? Or that, according to the realtor company, it has “breathtaking views of downtown Cincinnati” in the great state of Ohio?
Look, what else do you want from me? Cate Blanchett sat on its wooden floors! Coach Taylor put the front end of his body into the cabinets under the kitchen sink! Rindy cursed the vanity room!
Plus, there are so many things you could do in this house. You could…
1. Boldly ask someone out to lunch under the pretense of glove delivery in your kitchen.
2. Emasculate your husband from the other side of your kitchen while the woman you want to sleep with is in the other room.
3. Seduce someone in your living room.
5. Have your friend bring you tea while you’re upstairs.
6. Spiral with a close friend and ex in a window nook.
These and other things. We could also have a joint six-bedroom, five-bath Gothic Revival house warming party. Let me know in the comments.
Does it come with a Carol or do you have to get one yourself?
Like batteries, all Carols come separate.
Comment award please and thank you
I am prepared to make my pilgrimage to this holy site. Anyone up for a “house-hunting” road trip to Cincinnati?
honestly would love if this happened
This is one of the best yet
thank you carmen
I assume that next year’s Autostraddle writers’ retreat will be held in this Chateau d’Aird?
So, six different people could say “invite me ’round” and you could happily oblige without them even crossing paths, as long as all six did not need the loo at the same time.
Sally, whenever I see your name pop up in the comments, I get really excited to read whatever piece of pure, unadulterated genius you’ve come up with this time.
it’s actually 5 and a half full baths so they really can all go at once
Good to know it’s a half full bath rather than half empty bath; I am filled with endless optimism for the world.
Bless us, O Lord, and these, Thy gifts, which we are about to receive from Thy bounty. Through Carol, our Lord. Amen
I have $17. Let’s do this.
If each lesbian contributes $17, how many lesbians will it take to purchase a $2.9 million Carol dream home? Please show your work.
I just went to use mac spotlight search to launch Calculator, but started typing Carolculator instead.
we just need a cool 170,000 others like you
I too have $17. Let the fundraising begin!
This is the perfect location for my new business, All Lesbian Seances. I contact spirits from the beyond, but only lesbian ones. The nook could double as a seance room and a brunch nook, it’s perfect
that nook would be perfect for that. do you think, if we didn’t own it, they’d let us do a pop-up in there
*calls realtor and puts on Carol voice*
“Let me take you to a pop-up lesbian seance, it’s the least I can do.”
If I win the PowerBall this week, I will buy this and open a gay lady retreat, to replace all those we’ve lost:
I love this idea
if i know anything about large empty houses in the midwest with more rooms than humans to inhabit them, and i think that i do, then i cannot imagine a better place to spend my retirement
meet you in the piano room
I don’t have a husband but is it ok if I bring along any other dude to emasculate? Sounds like fun.
yes that’s encouraged
Carol the abashed lesbian,
Had a pretty girlfriend,
And if you saw them together,
You would have said she glowed,
But all of the patriarchal dicks,
Used to laugh and call her names,
They never let poor Carol,
Join in the “Loving Women” games,
(Like Seven Minutes in Heaven)
Then one snowy holiday morn,
Carol met a baby gay,
Therese with your eyes so bright,
Won’t you come round my place some night
Then all the lesbians loved her,
As they shouted out with glee,
“Carol” the lesbian movie,
You’ll go down in cult history,
(Like “Imagine Me & You”)
I sang along and bobbed my head
Amazed that you found this. Well done.
I’ll put it on my wishlist.
Listen if we all pitch in together…
Ok so are we thinking GoFundMe or Kickstarter?
Count me in…