30 Days of Carol: Day 30 – Dearest

Dearests,

There are no accidents; only month-long commitments. There are bits and then there are bits. This one, the latter. It would’ve found us one way or another, this two-year old movie that’s not old enough to even be a droplet running down the umbrella of nostalgia, but also not new enough to warrant such torrential – if we’re going to stay with this rain analogy, and I’d love if we did – coverage.

But everything comes full circle. Be grateful it was sooner rather than later. Some might say it was too later than sooner. To me directly, for reasons that will be a forever mystery to me. But what do you do, not have a little fun on the internet? Not make friends and connect with old ones? Not distract yourself for even three minutes – or however long it’s taken to read these posts; we’re not Medium so this is a rough estimate, and please no one correct me in the comments with something like, “It’s actually more like one minute,” which I will understand to be something that is meant to both undermine me and insult the caliber of the posts in this series –from the never-ending cycle of hell that awaits you in another tab?

You’ll think it harsh of me to say so, but no explanation I offer as to why I’d start something like this and then abandon it exactly 30 days later will satisfy you. Which is convenient for me, because I don’t have one. It’s a little bit like when someone asks you why you did something and you ask them back, “Why do you think I did it?,” and then with bits and pieces of their response craft a hideous papier-mâcheté version of an answer.

You’ll think it underwhelming of me to say so, but one explanation I offer as to why some of these posts seemed more thought out than others – even though exactly the same amount of effort (that became detrimental to my life in many ways outside of this) went into every single one (seriously! ((sad!))) – is that sometimes your girl’s got it and sometimes she doesn’t. But know I’ve loved every second of it. Truly.

Please don’t be angry when I tell you that you seek resolutions and explanations because you’re gay, but you will understand this one day. It’s supposed to be hard. If it wasn’t hard, everyone would do it. It’s the hard that makes it grea— whoops, slipping into A League of Their Own here. But when you finally understand… I want you to imagine me there to greet you with a vat of creamed spinach. Our lives stretched out ahead of us, a perpetual Waterloo sunrise.

But until then, there must be no contact between us. I have much to do, and you, my darlings, even more. Please believe that I would do anything to see you happy. So, I do the only thing I can… I release you.

Los Angeles based writer. Let's keep it clean out there!

Erin has written 208 articles for us.

75 Comments

  1. It took me a long time to finally see Carol…as in just this past week. I’ve been avoiding it because I knew it would DESTROY my queer heart. So thank you for this incredible 30 days and the insane amounts of validation for this taking up all of my free head space throughout the past 5 days a.k.a stage two: implosion. I haven’t talk about it much with people irl, but y’all always just “get it”. This page feels more like home everyday.

    You are an angel xoxo

  2. Dear Erin,

    Does this mean that I have to attend a random party, meet Carrie Brownstein’s eyes across the room, and share a brief and uninspiring conversation with her before I hear from you again? Please advise.

    Yours,
    Hannah

  3. ERIN. I’m a few days late to this, mainly because I’m in denial that it is over, but thank you for 30 Days of Carol. It kept me going through a long month and was part of the reason why I joined A+. Also “you seek resolutions and explanations because you’re gay,” had me laughing out loud. Thanks for the LOLs. Thanks for the CarLOLs. It doesn’t work, but I’m gonna make it work.

  4. Is nobody celebrating Carol Day? Am I too late to this fantastic game? I feel so alone!!

    I, for one, am meeting friends at Ella in Sacramento where I will drink a dry martini with one olive, and will then proceed to watch Carol. Again.

    Happy Carol Day!

  5. I also thought (hoped) there might be a new round of comments or even a new thread on this special day, but it looks like “the folks in 42” have checked out.

    Happy Carol Day, Happy Birthday to Rooney and it’s never too late to celebrate the masterpiece that is Carol…

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