The Autostraddle Hot 100: Smokin' Sizzlin' Great Balls of Fire

on May 13, 2009

This is Hot 100 Week. Why? We don't know. But we're not going to miss the party boat, we love the macarena! This week the whole team came together to produce the definitive Hot 100.

The results of our FIRST Annual Hot 100 are the result of a deeply scientific analysis of our thoughts and feelings as they developed beginning at brunch on Sunday May 10th until today, Wednesday May 13th, and analyzed by a team of professional analytical experts. Without any further ado, we present the Autostraddle Hot 100.
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100. Hot Tub

99. Hibachi Grill

98. Chi Ceramic Hairstyling Iron

97. Bonfires

96. Erotic Bonfires in Pornographic Films

95. George Foreman's Lean Mean Fat Grillin' Machine

94. Hot Topic

Crystal's favorite clothing store. Firmly auto-straddles the line between TERRIBLE and AWESOME

93. Hot Dogs

92. Intern Hot Laura

[A;ex & Riese accept full responsibility for both the nickname and the wall of fire]

91. The Sahara Desert

90. Hot Air Ballooning

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53 responses to “The Autostraddle Hot 100: Smokin' Sizzlin' Great Balls of Fire”

Giant Rat of Sumatra
May 13, 2009 at 6:24 am Permalink Log in to reply.

I think that image of Dante’s Inferno has been PHOTOSHOPPED somehow.

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1. riese (member)
  May 13, 2009 at 1:14 pm Permalink Log in to reply.
  
  The Intern Army is magical! What’s the method behind the magic? Time will tell.
  
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Hardyz
May 13, 2009 at 6:39 am Permalink Log in to reply.

Loving the Dr. Manhattan-esque Carmen de la Pica Morales squatting on the sun

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crystal
May 13, 2009 at 7:25 am Permalink Log in to reply.

Amazing. Who was responsible for the Hot Topic graphic? For real hot.

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1. riese (member)
  May 13, 2009 at 1:13 pm Permalink Log in to reply.
  
  Oh, that was mememe! When I started this about 24 hours ago, I had a lot of energy and skill. By the end we had Lucy Lawless coming out of a nuclear wasteland, so. Hot Topic!
  
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MoonKiller
May 13, 2009 at 7:52 am Permalink Log in to reply.

i love this very much. but i feel angelina deserves to be higher than 33rd, like first maybe.

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1. MsNJS
  May 14, 2009 at 12:00 am Permalink Log in to reply.
  
  ITA!! But anyway this was great and funny. You all come up with the best stuff!!
  
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Vikki
May 13, 2009 at 8:05 am Permalink Log in to reply.

The hot lunch pic nearly made me, well, lose my lunch. The Oregon Trail thing was hilarious…took me back to a simpler time…

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Emily
May 13, 2009 at 9:50 am Permalink Log in to reply.

Penelope Cruz is SO hot. #73 is awesome. Guys, I love this.

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1. Nicole
  May 14, 2009 at 12:43 pm Permalink Log in to reply.
  
  haha the penelope sahara pic was my single contribution
  
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brooke
May 13, 2009 at 10:07 am Permalink Log in to reply.

I LOLed often reading this list.

However, I have to point out that this is amazing:

71. The Temperature in the Shower When Riese fell and got five gigantic bruises,

as represented by two models making out in the shower

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carlytron
May 13, 2009 at 10:19 am Permalink Log in to reply.

oh … my … ehgod. young carlytron? obvs I thought I was a knight… or something?

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1. a;ex (member)
  May 13, 2009 at 11:23 am Permalink Log in to reply.
  
  so hot carly. Your young self needs to stop being so hot.
  
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2. asher
  May 13, 2009 at 11:24 am Permalink Log in to reply.
  
  yeah, are you LARPING?
  
  larping is sooo hot.
  
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  1. riese (member)
    May 13, 2009 at 11:27 am Permalink Log in to reply.
    
    I think Carly is the First Knight of the Neon Kingdom, perhaps?
    
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    1. Robin
      May 13, 2009 at 12:14 pm Permalink
      
      I cannot stop laughing. For real, uncontrollable laughter. I have not seen this particular image of Miss Usdin. You should bring back this look Carly, its obvs working for you here.
      
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Vikki
May 13, 2009 at 10:38 am Permalink Log in to reply.

I know I have Avengers on the brain and all but I just realized that “Queer Women Eating Fire” is hot. Maybe it will make the list next year.

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1. riese (member)
  May 13, 2009 at 11:24 am Permalink Log in to reply.
  
  I wanted it to be on the list this year, but I couldn’t find an appropriate graphic. Somehow “lesbian avengers fire-eating” wasn’t the prosperous google search term I’d hoped for. Bah! Luckily, were someone to have one handy, there’s still 10 spots I didn’t fill yet, ’cause I was tired and wanted to go to bed. KazaaM!
  
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  1. Heather
    May 13, 2009 at 11:28 am Permalink Log in to reply.
    
    How are you not on this list?!
    
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  2. Vikki
    May 13, 2009 at 3:54 pm Permalink Log in to reply.
    
    I searched my personal archives and only found an old newspaper clipping. Sigh…no help here.
    
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haviland
May 13, 2009 at 10:39 am Permalink Log in to reply.

absolutely hilarious. considering i am, at any given time of day, about 1.5 degrees colder than “normal” body temp, being #83 on this list is pretty amazing.

i think dante’s inferno was listed twice?

this is seriously SO funny. so funny.

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1. Daphne
  May 13, 2009 at 10:56 am Permalink Log in to reply.
  
  Dante’s inferno and Dante’s Cove is two different things.
  
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Daphne
May 13, 2009 at 10:47 am Permalink Log in to reply.

#73

Strike a pose Riese! btw, your Team has a very bad attention span, it seems. Exept for Tinkerbell,..
OMG is Tink being squeezed again??

#71

Riese, is that your hand on that boob? I mean, you wear black nailpolish all the time, right?
Seriously, looks like that hand don’t belong to any of the two girls. It just has a different skintone and stuff. Obv Riese was there in the shower, already slipped and fallen, trying to get up again while supporting herself on that boob.

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1. riese (member)
  May 13, 2009 at 11:01 pm Permalink Log in to reply.
  
  I wish I’d had a boob to hold on to. Instead I have a bruise on my left shoulder that’s about the size of um, you know. Lalala.
  
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Lynne
May 13, 2009 at 11:26 am Permalink Log in to reply.

i don’t think i have sufficient words for this.

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a;ex (member)
May 13, 2009 at 11:31 am Permalink Log in to reply.

wow whoever is responsible for the ‘hot dog down a hallway’ graphic should be promoted immediately.

Also I’m really glad Donna Summer’s ‘Hot Stuff’ made the list.

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1. asher
  May 13, 2009 at 12:49 pm Permalink Log in to reply.
  
  yeah. i thought the same thing. stellar motion blur!
  
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Robin
May 13, 2009 at 12:04 pm Permalink Log in to reply.

My coffee somehow just ended up in my nasal canal. This is hilars. Its even more brilliant that I hoped it would be.

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laura
May 13, 2009 at 1:43 pm Permalink Log in to reply.

this is beyond hilarious. the hot pockets man is sexayyy. and i’d like to thank alex and riese for finding that STUNNING picture of me. SO HOT!

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Jen
May 13, 2009 at 1:49 pm Permalink Log in to reply.

haha this is too funny. i only went through afterellen’s top 20 before losing interest but this kept me laughing throughout. great job

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Bren
May 13, 2009 at 2:28 pm Permalink Log in to reply.

You girls. You crazy, crazy girls. This list made my day, week, year, decade!
I hope my favorite, hot chocolate, makes it to the top 10 next year…fingers crossed.

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1. riese (member)
  May 13, 2009 at 10:59 pm Permalink Log in to reply.
  
  Well, hell is a tough contender to beat. perhaps next year Maggie Gallagher will condemn us all to hot chocolate, and then we can have a serious party. I like marshmallows. Sidenote. In my hot chocolate.
  
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Mels
May 13, 2009 at 2:29 pm Permalink Log in to reply.

I feel like this is one of the most amazing things I have ever seen. Just sayin’

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Fireside Chat – “I’m Pregnant, suck my dick.” Make your tits jiggle, spray beverages out your nostrils. C’mon. « Women In Love
May 13, 2009 at 2:53 pm Permalink

[...] The Autostraddle Hot 100: Smokin’ Sizzlin’ Great Balls of Fire [...]

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Yvette
May 13, 2009 at 3:30 pm Permalink Log in to reply.

I’m going to say that 92 is really hot. And 16 makes me uncomfortable.

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Michelle
May 13, 2009 at 4:53 pm Permalink Log in to reply.

hahaha this is fantastic. young carlytron is my favorite looking so fresh to death

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hachiemachie
May 13, 2009 at 7:49 pm Permalink Log in to reply.

This is so effing funny that I have to go lie down now. SRSLY!

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Sarah
May 13, 2009 at 8:25 pm Permalink Log in to reply.

Best hot 100 list. ever.

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Kimbit
May 13, 2009 at 8:28 pm Permalink Log in to reply.

res evil: def the hottest shit around. falling in the shower also the greatest. super hawtt.

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Nicole
May 13, 2009 at 9:47 pm Permalink Log in to reply.

i can’t explain how much this made me laugh
(hint: a lot. especially the hot beef injection.)

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1. Nicole
  May 13, 2009 at 10:11 pm Permalink Log in to reply.
  
  may I add that the inclusion of Tegan also did /things/ for me.
  
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marya
May 13, 2009 at 10:28 pm Permalink Log in to reply.

i’m jealous of whoever gets to live where #73 was taken

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1. riese (member)
  May 13, 2009 at 10:57 pm Permalink Log in to reply.
  
  Yeah, me too! It’s more of a burning jealousy, actually.
  
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zomg
May 14, 2009 at 1:53 am Permalink Log in to reply.

lolz!

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Laneia (member)
May 14, 2009 at 2:33 am Permalink Log in to reply.

well i hate to sound like the last person that says what everyone else has already said BUT:
this has melted my face with HOTNESS & PERFECTION. i’d be ok with you doing a Hot 100 every week. or how about a Cold 100? a Lukewarm 50? Wet 25? Shiny 44!

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1. Intern Elizabeth
  May 14, 2009 at 3:07 pm Permalink Log in to reply.
  
  Oooh. A Cold 100 could be equally fun/funny!
  
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  1. riese (member)
    May 14, 2009 at 5:14 pm Permalink Log in to reply.
    
    Ann Coulter’s heart would be #1 hands down.
    
    Also, on the “good” end of the list could be apparently Alex’s resting body temperature, thus requiring the drastic measures indicated here at item #52.
    
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Sascha
May 14, 2009 at 2:45 am Permalink Log in to reply.

This is amazing.
This is the best birthday present I could hope to receive (also probs the only one as I’m on the other side of the world from my present giving folks).

I would very much like to see a shiny 44! Very soon.

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Daphne
May 14, 2009 at 10:22 am Permalink Log in to reply.

“Looks like vadge!!” totally made me LMFAO LOL ROFL and beyond…..

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Heidi
May 15, 2009 at 4:05 am Permalink Log in to reply.

im loving the fact that I have a new code word for smoking pot.. it can now just be im going to go #48, or im so 48. ( in high school we called it camp and that caught on way to quikly..going camping at lunch time was kinda a give away!)

great list!

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The Brooklyn Boy
May 15, 2009 at 4:47 pm Permalink Log in to reply.

I just LOLed at work seeing NBA Dancers on this list. We always make fun of the Heat b/c during the annual Dance Team Bracket on NBA.com — which the Heat have won four years running, for obvious reasons — their site turns into Maxim.

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Ella
May 16, 2009 at 2:28 am Permalink Log in to reply.

The Icy Hot patch! So hot right now! Sooth the burn!

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just a passerby
May 27, 2009 at 3:36 pm Permalink Log in to reply.

One of the best 100 hot list i have come across!!!

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