The Autostraddle Hot 100: Smokin’ Sizzlin’ Great Balls of Fire


This is Hot 100 Week. Why? We don’t know. But we’re not going to miss the party boat, we love the macarena! This week the whole team came together to produce the definitive Hot 100.

The results of our  FIRST Annual Hot 100 are the result of a deeply scientific analysis of our thoughts and feelings as they developed beginning at brunch on Sunday May 10th until today, Wednesday May 13th, and analyzed by a team of professional analytical experts. Without any further ado, we present the Autostraddle Hot 100.

100. Hot Tub



99. Hibachi Grill



98. Chi Ceramic Hairstyling Iron



97. Bonfires



96. Erotic Bonfires in Pornographic Films



95. George Foreman’s Lean Mean Fat Grillin’ Machine



94. Hot Topic

Crystal’s favorite clothing store. Firmly auto-straddles the line between TERRIBLE and AWESOME


93. Hot Dogs



92. Intern Hot Laura


[A;ex & Riese accept full responsibility for both the nickname and the wall of fire]


91. The Sahara Desert



90. Hot Air Ballooning


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Profile gravatar of Riese

Riese is the 35-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York City and mellowed out in California before returning to Michigan for reasons that are unclear to her now. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2355 articles for us.


    • 0

      Oh, that was mememe! When I started this about 24 hours ago, I had a lot of energy and skill. By the end we had Lucy Lawless coming out of a nuclear wasteland, so. Hot Topic!

  1. 0

    i love this very much. but i feel angelina deserves to be higher than 33rd, like first maybe.

  2. 0

    The hot lunch pic nearly made me, well, lose my lunch. The Oregon Trail thing was hilarious…took me back to a simpler time…

  3. 0

    I LOLed often reading this list.

    However, I have to point out that this is amazing:

    71. The Temperature in the Shower When Riese fell and got five gigantic bruises,

    as represented by two models making out in the shower

  4. 0

    I know I have Avengers on the brain and all but I just realized that “Queer Women Eating Fire” is hot. Maybe it will make the list next year.

    • 0

      I wanted it to be on the list this year, but I couldn’t find an appropriate graphic. Somehow “lesbian avengers fire-eating” wasn’t the prosperous google search term I’d hoped for. Bah! Luckily, were someone to have one handy, there’s still 10 spots I didn’t fill yet, ’cause I was tired and wanted to go to bed. KazaaM!

  5. 0

    absolutely hilarious. considering i am, at any given time of day, about 1.5 degrees colder than “normal” body temp, being #83 on this list is pretty amazing.

    i think dante’s inferno was listed twice?

    this is seriously SO funny. so funny.

  6. 0


    Strike a pose Riese! btw, your Team has a very bad attention span, it seems. Exept for Tinkerbell,..
    OMG is Tink being squeezed again??


    Riese, is that your hand on that boob? I mean, you wear black nailpolish all the time, right?
    Seriously, looks like that hand don’t belong to any of the two girls. It just has a different skintone and stuff. Obv Riese was there in the shower, already slipped and fallen, trying to get up again while supporting herself on that boob.

    • 0

      I wish I’d had a boob to hold on to. Instead I have a bruise on my left shoulder that’s about the size of um, you know. Lalala.

  7. 0

    wow whoever is responsible for the ‘hot dog down a hallway’ graphic should be promoted immediately.

    Also I’m really glad Donna Summer’s ‘Hot Stuff’ made the list.

  8. 0

    My coffee somehow just ended up in my nasal canal. This is hilars. Its even more brilliant that I hoped it would be.

  9. 0

    this is beyond hilarious. the hot pockets man is sexayyy. and i’d like to thank alex and riese for finding that STUNNING picture of me. SO HOT!

  10. 0

    haha this is too funny. i only went through afterellen’s top 20 before losing interest but this kept me laughing throughout. great job 🙂

  11. 0

    You girls. You crazy, crazy girls. This list made my day, week, year, decade!
    I hope my favorite, hot chocolate, makes it to the top 10 next year…fingers crossed.

    • 0

      Well, hell is a tough contender to beat. perhaps next year Maggie Gallagher will condemn us all to hot chocolate, and then we can have a serious party. I like marshmallows. Sidenote. In my hot chocolate.

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  13. 0

    res evil: def the hottest shit around. falling in the shower also the greatest. super hawtt.

  14. 0

    i can’t explain how much this made me laugh
    (hint: a lot. especially the hot beef injection.)

  15. 0

    well i hate to sound like the last person that says what everyone else has already said BUT:
    this has melted my face with HOTNESS & PERFECTION. i’d be ok with you doing a Hot 100 every week. or how about a Cold 100? a Lukewarm 50? Wet 25? Shiny 44!

      • 0

        Ann Coulter’s heart would be #1 hands down.

        Also, on the “good” end of the list could be apparently Alex’s resting body temperature, thus requiring the drastic measures indicated here at item #52.

  16. 0

    This is amazing.
    This is the best birthday present I could hope to receive (also probs the only one as I’m on the other side of the world from my present giving folks).

    I would very much like to see a shiny 44! Very soon.

  17. 0

    im loving the fact that I have a new code word for smoking pot.. it can now just be im going to go #48, or im so 48. ( in high school we called it camp and that caught on way to quikly..going camping at lunch time was kinda a give away!)

    great list!

  18. 0

    I just LOLed at work seeing NBA Dancers on this list. We always make fun of the Heat b/c during the annual Dance Team Bracket on — which the Heat have won four years running, for obvious reasons — their site turns into Maxim.

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