Smear to a busy food-and-beverage-related establishment Los Angeles, circa a few months ago, where Romi Flinger and The Slab Of Man have met up to break up.
Romi: "I don't feel like you really love me. And I feel like I've been like, giving way more of myself to you, and feeling like there's still something that's like -- not allowing you to give yourself for me. I can't do settling for half-assed from you."
Jay: "I don't want you to feel like that."
Romi: "I do feel like that though, and like when you're ready to give yourself fully to somebody, it's gonna be awesome, but it's not me..."
Romi interviews that being with The Slab of Man pales in comparison to being with the lady Romi already cheated on him with, 'cause that lady is so cute, and funny, and helpful and caring and smart and talented and OH WAIT JUST KIDDING. She didn't say that. She said that being with The Slab of Man pales in comparison to being with Kelsey because Kelsey loves Romi a lot.
Romi: "I'm looking across and I'm thinking, you're not ready to be in a relationship with me, and I have somebody who loves me so much. I have Kelsey, who knows everything about me, and she loves me. I don't think that I can continue, if I have any self-worth, to give myself to somebody who doesn't deserve me."
Romi tells Jay that she wants him to fight for her sometimes, and he responds by remaining as sedentary as possible, perhaps to demonstrate his reluctance to battle it out.
Romi: "I'm gonna go and let you do you and me do me."
Jay half-smiles and offers, "I just want you to be happy, Romi. And if I'm not making you happy then..." and she's like, "then that's it?" and he kinda shrugs and she just gets up and leaves without eating or drinking anything! Ugh, I feel sorry for their server.
We zoom on over to New York City, circa a few fiscal years later, where Kiyomi is attempting to mend her ongoing feud with Ali by dressing up Ali's bedroom like a 90's R&B video.
Kiyomi: "I hope by me doing this it'll show Ali that I care about her and maybe we can try and start off on a good note."
Ali, sporting glasses that make her look cuter than anybody ever thought possible, gushes over the haphazardly scattered botanical gardens and is thoroughly smitten by this Generic Gesture. Kiyomi waits to be told how amazing she is for purchasing flowers and throwing them everywhere and writing a little note on a piece of paper.
Ali interviews that their relationship is a wild rollercoaster of ups and downs and although the downs are SO DOWN, the highs are SO HIGH that nothing can come between them, which's literally true as they tend to spend the UPs with their bodies smooshed together.
We then zip on over to Metropolitan, a gay bar in Brooklyn, where Lauren's gone to talk to the camera regarding how peeved she is over Amanda's prolonged absence.
Lauren: "Literally screw Amanda, I'm gonna do my thing."
Literally? If you were literally screwing Amanda, this'd be a very different scene. Unfortunately, just like Lauren, we've got no clue where Amanda is, leading me to suspect she's gone rogue to escape the camera crew. At last Amanda shows up, still lacking the entire back fabric flap of her stylish shirt.
Lauren says she's been waiting all night and Amanda is like, I'm sorry I had people to see, and Lauren is like, you said you'd be back in an hour and you're lying and Amanda is like, I couldn't help it, and Lauren is like, that's not okay, and Amanda is like, I'M A BABY ALLIGATOR and Lauren is like RAWRRRR MY PRINCESS WILL EAT YOUR FACE and then BAWHWHAHAHRRRR
Amanda: "Come on! Like, I hate this about women, like G-d knows I love women, but I hate this about them, it's like they never let anything go, and sometimes I feel like Lauren is like my wife."
Do you know the way to San Jose? I hope so, 'cause that's where we're zooming! It's time for the obligatory wedding-dress-shopping scene!
Wait, sorry. Wrong season.
Wait, wrong Ilene Chaiken project.
Oops! Wrong terrible show I'm forced to recap in exchange for web traffic!
Ah yes, here we are.
Sarahara's hoping that participating in a commercialized pre-wedding ritual activity will seduce her mother into accepting her engagement. Sara tells the saleslady she'd like to try dresses with straps and also without straps. Gripping stuff.
Sara: "It's tough, I want my Mom to be happy for me, I saw her happy for my sister when she got married, so it's like, I know the difference. I saw how she was before in the same situation."
Sarahara beseeches her matron's approval on one of many weirdo dresses and Mom offers, perhaps genuinely and perhaps via the magic of editing, "It's a beautiful dress but I feel like... you can't have a wedding without a man. No husband."
Sarahara shares her coming out story, which's intensely grim: she wrote Mom about being in love with a woman and Mom probs read it, but didn't want to talk about it.
Sara: "I broke into tears and told my mother, what I wrote in that letter is really important to me, and I need her to acknowledge it, and she said, whatever it said, I never want you to repeat it again, I don't wanna hear about it, I don't believe it, and I don't want you to think about ever telling your Dad because it will kill him."
That's an epidemic, isn't it? "Don't tell your father"? Second only to "don't tell your grandmother." Maybe it's a thing parents tell themselves to feel better about their intolerance — "I'm the nice one. Just wait til Nana finds out." Then Nana and/or Dad turn out to be totally cool!
We cut back to The House of Sad and Fog, where Kacy and Cori are prepping to rip off the agoraphobic band-aid and head out into the universe, with all its unpredictable terrors, fields of triggers and gross terrible people. First stop: the maternity ward.
Cori: "What are we gonna say?"
Kacy: "Hi, thank you so much for how much you made an impossible situation slightly more bearable? Thank you so much for being incredible."
At the hospital, our favorite twosome are instantly recognized by a gaggle of nurses who accept offered hugs and flowers and almost cry too, just like all of us here at home.
Kacy and Cori interview:
Kacy: "It's nice to be able to say thank you, but it's definitely bittersweet... I think I thought that being here again and seeing them would somehow give me some sort of closure, but I have to reconcile in my head that it will never be closed."
Cori: "Something will always be missing."
This particular hospital also sports a Butch Lez nurse, who is extra fond of the couple:
Lez Nurse: "I never saw a couple bond the way you guys did, and the way you bonded with Charlie for as long, I will never forget that. That's what love is, there's nothing more beautiful than that. So thank you."
I'll give you a minute to deal with your Kleenex situation before we move on.
We zoom forward in time and across the country to hit up Brunch in Brooklyn, where Amanda and Lauren are munching with Amanda's brother, who Lauren notes looks like Amanda. "She's the girl version of me," Amanda's brother explains. "It's really funny," says Amanda. I don't know if that's "funny" so much as:
Lauren confesses that as a young yellow-haired person she often jerked off to Playboy magazines but also hooked up with dudes just to be sure she preferred ladies, and Amanda confesses that she adorned her boudoir with Britney Spears posters rather than the Abercrombie posters all the other girls liked. Amanda also mentions that she developed an eating disorder that eventually lead to hospitalization, which's like a whole new ballgame that this show can not possibly handle delicately, but let's try anyhow!
Amanda: "You feel like you can't control your thoughts and all that stuff and so you feel like you have to control something else, so like to be able to control what goes in and out of your body, like anorexia is like, a disease, it's really fucked up."
It's a familiar and frequent situation — and a story a lot of lesbians with EDs share — but we'll save all that for a different kind of article.
Then Amanda's brother asks when Amanda is moving back to the city, which shocks Lauren's socks right off!
Lauren: "That completely surprised me and then I thought, well, maybe I'm being lied to again."
Amanda interviews that she was in love with a lady in NYC which freaked her out, so she fled to Los Angeles and now that she's lived in Los Angeles for a while and put up with all the unbearable humans there, is wondering if perhaps she made a mistake.
Amanda: "It's hard, because like, Lauren is my best friend, but I also need to like, do me."
You do you, Amanda, you do you.