Orphan Black Episode 203 Recap: Mingling Its Own Nature With It

Hey Cloniacs! Welcome to the recap of the third episode of Orphan Black!

We open in the woods, where Sarah, Felix and Kira have spent the night in their stolen truck. While Sarah seems extremely comfortable roughing it up and peeing in the woods, Felix equates camping with being homeless in the country. Obviously he’s never been to A-Camp/Jewish camping.

Come on Felix, I thought we were bathroom buddies!

Come on Felix, I thought we were bathroom buddies!

If it's all the same to you, I think I'll just poop in this truck.

If it’s all the same to you, I think I’ll just poop in this truck.

LOL CAMP JOKES!

LOL CAMP JOKES!

OB203-00005

 

Felix and Sarah talk about Mrs. S, and how weird it was that she went from kindly mum figure to rifle-toting badass. And then Felix steps in poop, whomp whomp, the wilderness sucks.

Rural blowjob face

Rural blowjob face

Daniel shows up at the bird watcher’s nest looking for Sarah, but only finds the dead bodies of the bird watchers. He also spies Hank and Belt Buckle, who douse the nest with gasoline and burn it down.

Gasoline fight!

Gasoline fight!

 

South Coast Boutique is having a fire sale?

South Coast Boutique is having a fire sale?

Sarah and Felix head into a small town, looking for some breakfast. They run an adorable little scam where Kira distracts a shop owner with fake shoplifting to divert from Felix’s real shoplifting. Who knew children were so handy?

Kira, if you steal any more Lean Pockets, so help me...

Kira, if you steal any more Lean Pockets, so help me…

Your mum's right. Only people who hate themselves choose Lean Pockets.

Your mum’s right. Only people who hate themselves choose Lean Pockets.

Meanwhile, Angie shows up at Art’s place and tells him that Helena has been taken by some yokel with a huge belt buckle. When Art tells her to drop it, she tells him that he’s letting down two partners, her and Beth. Ouch Angie, way to kick a cop while he’s down. Also, she refers to Helena as “Shakira-haired” which is pretty on point.

You think I'm scared? I wear turtlenecks in the summertime, I don't give a hot fuck.

You think I’m scared? I wear turtlenecks in the summertime, I don’t give a hot fuck.

Sarah, Felix, and Kira are enjoying a woodsy picnic of stolen noms. Sarah tries to make this a teachable moment for Kira, telling her that they only steal if they have to.

Accurate response to teachable moments.

Accurate response to teachable moments.

She plans to find an abandoned cabin in the woods where they can all hole up/sleep in real beds/maybe make some s’mores.

Meanwhile, over in Preppyville, Alison watches Donnie sleep on the couch with the hatred of a million suns sizzling out of her eye balls. She starts passive-aggressively vacuuming right by his face, because nothing says “I don’t trust you” quite like a Dyson up in your grill.

I could kill Donnie in his sleep, but then I'd have even MORE cleaning up to do.

I could kill Donnie in his sleep, but then I’d have even MORE cleaning up to do.

Donnie then tries to interest Alison in some morning delight, and she’s like, gross, take your 10AM boner elsewhere.

Just put this pile of books on your junk until you calm down.

Just put this pile of books on your junk until you calm down.

Sarah and Felix find a nice homey cabin and break in. Fingers crossed they’ve got marshmallows and graham crackers!

A safe cabin in the woods, SAID NO ONE EVER.

A safe cabin in the woods, SAID NO ONE EVER.

Over at the Dyad Institute, Cosima is chasing Delphine into Leekie’s office and calling her doctor (aka the opening line of a thousand fanfics). Since Leekie is out of town, Cosima wants to mess with his hobby experiments/Xerox her butt on the copy machine/finger blast on his desk.

Delphine is obvs ready for Dapper Hour.

Delphine is obvs ready for Dapper Hour.

 

She also does a pretty great Leekie impression, which is adorable.

Dr. Leekie has the most complex bong I've ever seen!

Dr. Leekie has the most complex bong I’ve ever seen!

Delphine shows her the video diary of yet another clone, Jennifer Fitsimmons. Jennifer had polyps on her lungs and sought treatment with Leekie and Dyad. She also died three days ago, so RIP Jenn.

Look, I know it's a blank screen, but it's still better than the final season of The L Word soooo....

Look, I know it’s a blank screen, but it’s still better than the final season of The L Word.

Sarah and Kira stake out a bed in the attic, where Kira asks when they are going to see Mrs. S again. Kira says that Mrs. S protected them, but Sarah assures her she’ll be protecting them now. She tells Kira that nothing bad is going to happen, which we all know is a dead giveaway that something bad will definitely be happening soon.

 

You can call us mint jelly, cuz we're on the lam, kiddo!

You can call us mint jelly, cuz we’re on the lam, kiddo!

Cue a cop finding their stolen truck.

We've got no plates, no personal effects, but plenty of poop in the back.

We’ve got no plates, no personal effects, but plenty of poop in the back.

Back at the Prolethian Farm, Gracie and Belt Buckle spy on Helena. Belt Buckle seems in awe, but Gracie still doesn’t see her as a person.

I thought we were going to the zoo.

I thought we were going to the zoo.

When she brings Helena lunch, Helena wants to know why she’s in the farm house. Gracie tells her that she’s here to join their family, and Helena tells her that she already has one, specifically a seestra.

Look, I don't know if the chicken is corn-fed or not, okay?

Look, I don’t know if the chicken is corn-fed or not, okay?

Gracie tells Helena that Tomas is dead, and Helena says good riddance to misogynist rubbish. She also spits out some grape seeds, but she is in a barn, so I guess it’s okay? She also offers Gracie a drumstick which Gracie rejects because she’s too dumb to know that you never turn down free chicken.

Seriously? I just put, like, the entire thing in my mouth.

Seriously? I just put, like, the entire thing in my mouth.

While Sarah and Felix are holed up in the cabin, Felix hears someone coming in. Before they can sneak out, they are busted by Cal aka Daario Naharis from Game of Thrones. I was really hoping it would be Principal Simpson from Degrassi.

Do what you want with me, but don't you dare ruin this tank top!

Do what you want with me, but don’t you dare ruin this tank top!

Get a grip man, it's only Forever21!

Get a grip man, it’s only Forever21!

Turns out that Cal knows Sarah because she swindled him out of ten grand and a car. Cal tries to kick them out, but Kira wakes up and immediately asks if Cal is her dad. Damn, that kid is intuitive. Cal is, in fact, Kira’s father. Cal wants to know if this is another grift, but Sarah assures him that Kira is his. Cal tells them they can stay one more night and they better not steal anything.

Back in Preppyville, Alison is singing about blood in the bathroom… well, not so much singing as sing-screaming. The director wants her to take it down a notch, but Alison is all stressed up and nowhere to go.

Most unsettling pelvic exam ever

Most unsettling pelvic exam ever!

Menses: The Musical!

Menses: The Musical!

After rehearsal, she walks outside where she is approached by Angie, who is pretending to be another soccer mom. Angie tries to chat her up, but Alison is in full paranoia mode and blows her off.

Wanna be friends with a simmering sexual tension just below the surface?

Wanna be friends with a simmering sexual tension just below the surface?

 

I'm interested.

I’m interested.

Sarah tells Kira that she’s sorry she never told her about her father. She says she wanted Kira all to herself, but Kira calls her out on her bullshit by immediately asking why she was gone all the time.

You're adorable, but they don't allow children in bars, so ya know...

You’re adorable, but they don’t allow children in bars, so ya know…

Instead of telling Kira the truth (that crime is SO time consuming) she tells her that growing up without parents made her angry and confused. She didn’t want that for Kira, which is why she brought her to Cal’s cabin. Kira is into it, as Cal has a pretty cool beard, which is all you need in a dad, really.

Felix is snooping around in the barn and wants to know more about Cal. Cal tells him that he created mini-drone pollinators to help dying bee populations. His partners forced him out and sold his tech to the military, who now use his creations to kill people.

And then I pollinated your sister, HEYO!

And then I pollinated your sister, HEYO!

Felix comments that his rich do-gooder nature makes him the perfect mark. I might be spitballing here, but there’s no way his work has nothing to do with Sarah getting pregnant, right? I’m not saying that Kira is some sort of clone-bee hybrid, but I’m not NOT saying it, ya know?

That would explain Kira's stinger...

That would explain Kira’s stinger…

Back at the Dyad Institute, Cosima is binge watching Jenn’s video diaries like they’re the new season of Orange is the New Black. She watches as Jenn gets sicker and sicker, despite medical help from Dyad. Delphine wants Cosima to stop watching, but Cosima refuses. She watches Jenn’s boyfriend dote on her, and tells Delphine that sometime she forgets she’s her monitor.

Now kiss.

Now kiss.

Delphine assures Cosima that they did their best to help Jenn, but they couldn’t save her. She assures Cosima that she has all the information, and it’s okay if she can’t handle it. Cosima assures her she’s up to the task, but what task?

JK I CAN'T HANDLE IT COVER ME WITH CATS PLS!

JK I CAN’T HANDLE IT COVER ME WITH CATS PLS!

Back in Cal’s cabin (which sounds like a failed Disney Channel project), Felix confronts Sarah. Not only has she lied to Kira, but she’s lied to Felix this entire time about the identity of Kira’s dad. That kind of betrayal doesn’t sit right with him, and Felix calls her out for being a wrecking ball and a life ruiner.

When you said that hoop earrings were your thing, I didn't say anything. But this is going too far.

When you said that hoop earrings were your thing, I didn’t say anything.

Sarah tries to convince Felix that they are doing the right thing, but Felix wants no part of her bullshit. He tells her that he has his own life to worry about, Alison needs him, and there’s no place for him here. It’s a heartbreaking moment for Felix, who cries and leaves to go back home.

And then my father got me the most gorgeous hoop earrings for Hannukah, and I had to pretend I hated them!

And then my father got me the most gorgeous hoop earrings for Hannukah, and I had to pretend I hated them!

Back at Dyad, Cosima and Delphine are performing an autopsy on Jenn’s body, which is gross.

Are you ready for this?

Are you ready for this?

For Doccubus roleplay? Of course, but we ca't both be Lauren.

For Doccubus roleplay? Of course, but we can’t both be Lauren.

Cosima expresses a wide range of emotions, from fear to concern to heartbreak, and Maslany is able to play these emotions BEHIND A SURGICAL MASK. She gets all of this across using only her eyes. Why this woman isn’t covered with acting awards, I have no idea.

Together they rule out a variety of different diseases, and come to the conclusion that it’s auto-immune. They also find a possible origin point of the disease in the uterus, which could also explain her infertility. Cosima’s clone phone rings, and it’s Alison, who is still in a post-Angie panic.

Have you taken those last five Buzzfeed quizzes I emailed to you?

Have you taken those last five Buzzfeed quizzes I emailed to you?

Alison is convinced that Angie is another monitor, but Cosima is elbow deep in clone guts and so not in the mood for a pep talk. Alison tells Cosima that she can’t trust her girlfriend, which is a big mistake. Them’s fighting words for a homo in a relationship.

I'm wrist-deep in uterus right now, Alison.

I’m wrist-deep in uterus right now, Alison.

Enough about your sex life, I need to know which "Gilmore Girls" character you are!

Enough about your sex life, I need to know which “Girls” character you are!

Alison is worried that Delphine will put Cosima in a cage and experiment on her like an animal, but Cosima assures her that it only happens on Puppy Play Wednesdays.

The only way to deal with finding out you're a Shoshanna.

The only way to deal with finding out you’re a Shoshanna.

We then cut to a sad deserted road, where a sad, deserted Felix is hitch-hiking his was back to civilization. Poor Fe!

Hate his predicament, love his messenger bag.

Hate his predicament, love his messenger bag.

Back in Preppyville, Angie takes another stab at befriending Alison. Alison tells her to fuck off, and Angie comes clean. She tells Alison she’s a cop and she can help, but Alison tells her to GTFO. Alison is in NO MOOD, you guys. NO MOOD.

Look, I just want to be friends...

Look, I just want to be friends…

I'm not here to make friends!

I’m not here to make friends!

Back at Cal’s cabin, Sarah and Cal are drinking beers and reminiscing about their relationship/con job. Sarah tells him that she could have taken every penny, but she didn’t because feelings. She tells him she’s not the same person, but she’s in just as much trouble. As if on cue, a police car rolls up and the local cop questions Cal about a mom and daughter shoplifting duo.

I may have lied, but my feelings and 17% of my orgasms were real.

I may have lied, but my feelings and 17% of my orgasms were real.

We also learn that Cal has a small weed patch in his backyard, making him infinitely more interesting than Paul. Cal covers for Sarah, and the cop leaves. Sarah is freaked out and ready to run, but Cal tells her she’s safe.

These standing squats are gonna take our roller derby skills to the next level!

These standing squats are gonna take our roller derby skills to the next level!

He tells her to stop running, and then proceeds to stop her from running via his face and penis. They start hooking up.

NOM NOM NOM

NOM NOM NOM

How AS readers feel about the image above.

How AS readers feel about the image above.

We zoom on over to backstage, where it’s the opening night of Alison’s Guilt: The Musical! The gross director gathers them for warm-ups and a dedication to dearly departed Aynsley.

I can be the black swan and the white swan.

I can be the black swan and the white swan.

Alison watches Donnie and Felix from the wings, and starts pounding pills and booze like a regular Jessica Lange.

Why did I chose tonight of all nights to try MDMA?!

Why did I chose tonight of all nights to try MDMA?!

The play starts, and Alison is pretty fucked up. She’s scream-singing, losing her balance, and ends up walking right off the stage and into Donnie’s lap. Here’s a dramatic re-enactment of the scene, wherein Alison will be played by a boom box.

boomboxface

Someone screams “get a doctor!” while hopefully someone else is screaming for an understudy.

White Girl Down!

White Girl Down!

The next morning, Sarah wakes up next to Cal. It’s actually kind of sweet. Meanwhile, Daniel is hot on their trail, questioning the shop owner they stole from.

Not the cuddling type.

Not the cuddling type.

Art drives out to the country and spies on the Prolethian Farm. He sees Hank and Gracie sitting on a picnic bench, talking. Gracie is scared of Helena (as well she should be) but Hank tells her that “fear is doubt’s first cousin.” He seems to be unaware that hokey platitudes are bullshit’s nephew.

Remember when you told me you wanted a puppy? This will be nothing like that.

Remember when you told me you wanted a puppy? This will be nothing like that.

He tells her to close her eyes and listen to God. Gracie might be his first born, but Helena has a soul, a purpose, and she’s part of the family now. Creepiest pep talk ever?

Dad, I'm trying to listen to God, but that queer camp next door will NOT stop playing Robyn.

Dad, I’m trying to listen to God, but that queer camp next door will NOT stop playing Robyn.

Kira plays cards with Cal and Sarah, then runs off to feed the chickens. It’s idyllic and adorable so you know all hell is about to break loose.

A straight flush?! I guess this bra is coming off!

A straight flush?! I guess this bra is coming off!

Daniel grabs Kira and drags her away. Sarah hears Kira scream and rushes out to see Daniel pulling a gun on her. Daniel tells them to get in the car. He points his gun at Cal, and Sarah smacks his gun down.

Get in the car now!

Get in the car now!

But I'm still not wearing a bra!!!

But I’m still not wearing a bra!!!

Kira runs to Cal, and Sarah begs Cal to take her inside and keep her safe. The local cop shows up, and Daniel kills him. Cal comes back with a rifle, while Daniel holds Sarah at gunpoint. Daniel demands that Cal send out Kira, but he’s like nope. Sarah begs him to just take her, which he does. Daniel also finds the Project LEDA photo on Sarah, and drags her to his car.

The last fucking thing anyone wants to wake up to.

The last fucking thing anyone wants to wake up to.

Meanwhile at the Prolethian Farm, the entire community is gathered in Helena’s bedroom. They’re all wearing matching white Amish attire, which is deeply upsetting. Hank grabs Helena, who is drugged up, and tells his followers that man’s work is God’s work as well. Why do we always hear that exact excuse from the worst people in the world?

It's totally okay, God gave me a free pass.

It’s totally okay, God gave me a free pass to be human garbage.

Bonnie wraps Hank and Helena’s hands in ribbon, and states that they are bound before God. So now Helena is saved and I guess married to Hank? Everyone applauds like they didn’t just witness a creepy forced marriage. Then Hank carries Helena down a hallway, presumably to rape her. This is upsetting and generally the worst. Poor Helena.

I've got my hands at 10 and 2, and I'm checking my rear view mirror...

I’ve got my hands at 10 and 2, and I’m checking my rear view mirror…

Meanwhile, Sarah drives while Daniel is on the phone. She refuses to tell him shit, and threatens to kill him if he hurts Kira. Before he can respond, their car gets t-boned by a massive truck and everything cuts to black aka the Quinn Fabray ending.

DON'T TEXT AND DRIVE!

DON’T TEXT AND DRIVE!

Until next week, Clonesicles!

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Chelsea was born and raised in New Orleans, which explains her affinity for cheesy grits and Britney Spears. She currently resides in sunny Los Angeles, where she works as a screenwriter/blogger/pop culture geek. She’s obsessed with dachshunds, the Whedonverse, 90's dance parties, and roller derby. She loves the word "Jewess" and wishes more people used it to describe her. Follow her ramblings on Twitter why don't you?

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11 Comments

  1. Thumb up 7

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    Captions absolutely on point today – kudos to whoever wrote them.
    On another note – Helena’s ‘marriage’ type thing was one of the most traumatizing things I’ve seen lately, always so nice to see the religious cult living up to their stereotype of being the WORST.

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    I am super creeped out by the Prolethians and their weird obsession with Helena possibly being fertile and the forced marriage to Evil Cowboy. I want to mount a rescue mission for Helena. Maybe we can enlist the help of Mrs S with her rifle and badassery?

    On a lighter note, gotta love Cosima impersonating Leekie. At this rate, maybe one day Tatiana Maslany will play ALL the characters on the show!

  3. Thumb up 7

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    In my mind, here’s what happens when Hank enters the scary rape room with Helena: we cut to a scene where Adelle DeWitt (and/or Rachel) says “There are three flowers in a vase. The third flower is green.” It is revealed that Helena is a sleeper Active, a la Dollhouse, and she assassinates ALL THE PROLETHEANS. Starting with that cowboy motherfucker.

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    The last few minutes of this episode seriously stressed me out. I needed a Xanax after seeing that creepy Jonestown/Big Love mess they’re putting Helena through.

    I hope the first few seconds of the next episode involve the drugs wearing off and Helena just ripping Bob Corbett’s face off with her teeth or something.

  5. Thumb up 0

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    *Loved the recap esp the captions!
    *We got to see Felix being sad and tearing up and I wanted to hug him! Great acting! (Also, I find it weird to watch Jordan’s videos — like interviews) because I’ve always kind of known him to have a British accent LOL)
    *Great Scott! Great Dr. Leekie impression by Cosima. Man, Tatiana is reaaaaalllly great!
    *I hope Alison gets better soon!
    *I got scared with that final scene with Helena!!!

  6. Thumb up 0

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    I think the scene where Cosima perfectly impersonates Leekie was like a warning shot to the other actors. It was saying ‘If you step out of line, we won’t have to look very far for your replacement’

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