What Your Favorite Sandwich Says About You (IN BED)

It’s Take Back the Sandwich day on Autostraddle! Because our sandwiches aren’t about pleasing men or getting bitches back into the kitchen, they’re about sandwiches. We’re fucking the patriarchy and celebrating the sandwich, purely and without political context.

take-back-the-sandwich

In the spirit of Take Back the Sandwich Day, we hereby pretend to know what you’re really thinking about when you grasp those bread slices between your fingers and take a big, messy bite.

**Disclaimer: This is all in fun and is not meant to yuck anyone’s yum, sex-wise or sandwich-wise. You do you, you chew you, you screw you.

What Your Favorite Sandwich Says About You (IN BED)

Peanut butter and jelly: With the crusts on? You have daddy issues. With the crusts off? You have mommy issues. With some kind of strange jelly, and/or fluff? You’re kinky as heck.

Grilled Cheese: If it’s closed-faced, you tend to get attached. If it’s open-faced, you’re an exhibitionist.

HEY GIRL.

HEY GIRL.

Tuna: You will be single forever and have a lot of cats.

Tuna Salad: You will be single forever and have a lot of houseplants.

Bologna: You are down for anything.

Club Sandwich: Threesomes.

PICKLES: EROTIC THIRD

PICKLES: EROTIC THIRD

Fast food breakfast sandwich: You only do one-night stands.

Vegetarian Wrap with Bacon: You are full of surprises.

Pressed Sandwiches: You have a Babeland frequent shopper card.

Whatever the special is at the deli that day: You’re submissive. If it’s wrapped in that weird waxed paper, you’re probably also into bondage.

WHAT ELSE IS THAT STRING FOR

WHAT ELSE IS THAT STRING FOR

Pastrami with vegan mayo on gluten-free bread: You know what you want and aren’t afraid to ask for it.

Cucumbers and cream cheese: You’re into role play. Also maybe corsets.

Party sub: Orgies.

EVERYONE ELSE IS INTO THIS TOO, RIGHT

I THINK YOU ALL KNOW WHY I INVITED YOU HERE

Tongue Sandwich: Come on, guys.

Sardines, sriracha, and pickles, stacked between one slice of white and one slice of wheat (both heels) and liberally sprinkled with goldfish cracker crumbs: You have cleared out the cupboards in your apartment, either because you haven’t been grocery shopping in weeks OR because you’re moving in three days. Either way, you’re about to dial all of your exes in alphabetical order. Good luck.

Peanut butter straight out of the jar: Pretty sure you’re masturbating.

COULD YOU AT LEAST HAVE LOCKED THE DOOR

COULD YOU AT LEAST HAVE LOCKED THE DOOR

feature image via shutterstock

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36 Comments

  1. I love this more than anything ever. I cannot stop laughing at this one “Sardines, sriracha, and pickles, stacked between one slice of white and one slice of wheat (both heels) and liberally sprinkled with goldfish cracker crumbs”

  2. What about a turkey with cranberries, and dressing?

    And for those lovely British/Irish/Scottish Straddlers – Ploughman?

  3. WHAT ABOUT THE VEGANS, YOU GUYS.
    (asking for a friend. she’s apparently not all that into regular old pb&j because apparently she has no daddy or mommy issues.)

    • SO I have the habit of only buying vegan/dairy free products when I shop, and my partner never manages to make it out of the store with less than ten pounds of various meat things. When food starts running low I sometimes catch myself with a vegenaise BLT in hand womdering what the fuck I’m doing.

    • I think regular mayo is kind of gross, and sometimes prefer to have tuna or BLT’s with vegan mayo.

      And yes, nothing confuses cashiers more then having vegan mayo and bacon.

  4. This is the first listicle I’ve read in months that has taught me anything new. Thank you for existing, Autostraddle.

  5. This is better than a Myers-Briggs test.

    Based on my favorite sandwiches I am an exhibitionist with daddy issues who only does one-night stands. Hello ladies ;)

  6. I get attached easily but it doesn’t matter because I will be alone forever with my houseplants.

    This is… frighteningly accurate.

  7. According to these sandwiches, I’m a demanding masturbator with a tendency to get attached. Now if we were going for accuracy, I would only eat tuna sandwiches.

  8. I love this so much. Sandwiches and sex are two of my favorite things on Autostraddle.com. And in the world in general.

    • Nutella out of the jar = masturbating w/ an expensive battery-operated toy that moves in three different ways, while simultaneously giving yourself a massage w/ scented oils? (Because clearly those of us that eat Nutella straight out of the jar deny ourselves nothing)

  9. What about chicken spread instead of tuna? Does that mean I will die alone with a house full of chickens? Because I’m afraid of chickens when they’re alive and not a sandwich.

    • Yes, I’m so sorry, it does :(
      Or if you like we can have a meet up and my house full of cats can eat your house full of chickens?

  10. So, I love sriracha and peanut butter sandwiches. I’m gonna call all my exes and masturbate while doing so.

    I’M A CATCH

  11. I wont even lie I eat weird sandwiches. I like tomato and mayo a lot. Not even sure what that says about me. har har

  12. Egg salad sandwiches all the way! I’m pretty sure that means something exceptionally dirty but I’m not coming up with anything particularly witty right now.

  13. Huh.

    I read tuna as in, “You will be single forever, but have a lot of pussy.”

    But, I always make sure it’s sustainably packaged. Pole-caught, too.

  14. Heyyyy, my least favorite is bologna and I also happen to NOT be down for anything. It works that way too.

Comments are closed.