Top 7 Foods That I Think Are Actually For Toddlers

As a child, I was prohibited from consuming most of the chemicals used to create popular children’s snacks and instead was fortified with a well-rounded diet of things like vegetables and fruit. Furthermore, my sage mother was aware that all the extra packaging on grocery foods was killing the environment and therefore we created our own single-servings at home rather than buying them that way in the supermarket.

As a result, I came to toddler-targeted foods later in life, and was often unaware that these foods were actually created with school lunchboxes in mind. Luckily all my sophisticated friends are around to point out that I eat like a 12-year-old, which I think is very ageist.

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Top Seven Foods That I Think Are Actually For Toddlers

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7. Applesauce Crushers (Trader Joe’s)

After a long period of active resistence, we entered a Trader Joe’s phase, primarily attracted by the fact that Bulleit is cheaper there than anywhere else in the city. Also: Applesauce Pouches! Putting an applesauce jar and Bulleit into my backpack and biking home scares me. This solves all those problems, with cartoons.

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6. Earth’s Best Organic Letter-of-the-Day Cookies

They’re basically endorsed by The President of Cookies.
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5. Annie’s Mac & Cheese Single Servings

It’s all the ease of Easy-Mac, but with the words “totally natural” “homegrown” and “no artificial anything!” written on the box. A more authentic taste.
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4. Peanut Butter Crackers

This one time in the summer of 2007, I was working on a script for a teevee show with my new friend DJ Carlytron when she extracted an 8-pack of peanut butter crackers from her bag and I was like, “Oh my god, I thought I was the only person over 12 who ate those” and she was like, “I eat these all the time.” Then I knew we’d be friends forever!

No but really, generally if you’re gonna snack on carbs, it’s good to pair it with a protein. Empty carbs leave me feeling empty inside, like a shell of myself. Thus, when forced by the slings and arrows of everyday life to grab a processed snack at a gas station or drug store, these are a logical selection. Or really any time.

The orange ones taste best but the traditional kind are better if you’re in public and paranoid about getting orange stuff in your teeth. The Ritz crackers are more buttery and delicious than either of the Austin snacks.
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3. Milk

The association between drinking milk (as opposed to putting it in your coffee/cereal/pancake batter) and being under the age of 13 is baffling to me, because milk is delicious. You know what else is delicious? Chocolate milk. I like an ice cube in my milk.

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2. Go-Gurt

It’s yogurt, but in a tube!! I’ve been eating these suckers since the day they got invented.

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1. String Cheese

via bluebasket.com

Have you ever wanted a grilled cheese sandwich or an omelette but been out of cheese and tried to use string cheese instead? I haven’t, I’m just wondering out of curiosity. Anyhow, you already know how much I love cheese.

Do you enjoy any foods endorsed by SpongeBob Sparepants? Please share!

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Riese is the 39-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

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121 Comments

  1. As to the last question, yes I have. When making grilled cheese with string cheese, it can get unstable while flipping, due to the separate cheese pieces. I’d probably try to shred the cheese beforehand next time.

    • yes and yes. you can melt string cheese down since it is basically just really dry mozzarella and make anything with it…pizza, grilled cheese…throw it over some tostitos to make nachos etc. i’ve done all fo these and they def work.

      ps where are caramel apple pops on here?? ze best

    • ok so this one time i may or may not have been under the influence of a certain substance and i spent about 10 minutes arranging 4 different kinds of cheeses on a grilled cheese sandwich. string cheese was one of the kinds of cheese, but i sliced it into a bunch of tiny circles and then alternated the mozzarella and colby-jack pieces to make a wonderfully stripey and diverse grilled cheese.

      not only was it aesthetically pleasing and made me feel like it was arts and crafts time in addition to snacktime, it was goddamn delicious.

      my roommates still make fun of me for it.

  2. I Have feelings about milk that I must share:
    The idea of milk repulses me, REPULSES! It’s liquid whose natural purpose is to feed the young of whatever animal its extracted from. But we humans take that shit, remove some stuff, bottle it up (or bag it…which I can’t even discuss)and sell it. It’s gross. Milk is intended for little animal babies! Why are we drinking it? Could you imagine if human breast milk were marketed to consumers? We’d be like “that shit cray. No thank you. Ew, that’s not safe. etc, etc.” But when it’s animal milk we’re all “yes I’m going to pour you over my breakfast food and make you an ingredient in every recipe imaginable.” It’s weird, right?

    In conclusion, I love milk so much. It’s so good.

  3. Pop tarts. Of course because I am a Seattle stereotype I eat the Nature’s Path kind, but the concept is the same. (and I stare at those Uncrustables commercials with a kind of ashamed and confused longing) Also gummy candy.

  4. I dunno if you have them in the states, but Liga? They’re actually legit made for toddlers, theyre biscuits (cookies) that dissolve really easily and are chunky for babies to hold, but theyre so yummy. I was lucky to have two younger brothers and three younger cousins to steal them from when I was a kid, but once the youngest was about 3 they stopped being bought :( And I never think to buy them myself cuz Im never in the baby food section of the grocery store, haha.

  5. Arrowroot cookies are for real the best cookie flavor. Too bad they’re made for babies, not even toddlers, BABIES. There are even babies on the box with their first little teeth. Or they’re made by Gerber. They’re still delicious though.

  6. I tried to give my 4.5 yr old “Godson” a pack of those peanut butter cheese crackers and both his Moms nearly stroked out..One of them actually said “We’re lesbians..We don’t feed our kid that crap!” Sidenote: on a recent trip to the playground he was playing with a group of kids using one of those fake lemonade stand thingys, and they were taking turns pretending to “sell” lemonade and ice cream..When it came to his turn he shouts exciteely, “I know, let’s pretend we’re selling Hummus and Pita’s!” Yeah..It may be too late for me to save the little guy

  7. Fruit snacks! A couple of months ago I had to explain to my mom what a fruit snack is and watch her tentatively eat one. Clearly I was a deprived child forced to eat real fruit.

    Also milk with crushed ice is like the best drink in existence.

  8. Fruit Loops. I eat them when I go home because my mom buys them for my kid sister. I feel like they are too much like candy for a daily breakfast so I go with Honey nut Cheerios which also seem to be for kids.

  9. OMG, Annie’s makes microwave mac n cheese?!?!? Eeeeek! I love the organic bunny shaped pastas with cheese sauce because, duh bunnies and cheese! I always feel like a kid when I’m making it too…possibly because there are fluffy animals and cutesy phrases on the box. I was just sulking about the logistical problems of taking a box to work with me since my office only has a microwave when Voila! This wins all of the things :)

  10. Forget you guys! You all think you’re so cool with your milk, cheeses & icecream. It’s so tough not being able to join the cool club. And let me tell you, the alternative stuff doesn’t compete. Sad times for a lesbian. :(

    On the flip side I enjoy the organic baby food. One jar as a quick snack for about 80 calories and very cheap… Saving a dolla will make me holla, Honey boo-boo!

  11. I eat all of these things….. and I am 22….. Woo!!

    My favorite are the apple sauce packs, since I sleep in till the very last second I can before work these are the best breakfast on-the-go things in the WORLD!

  12. Wait, you’re supposed to stop drinking milk at some point? That’s ridiculous. Milk is delicious! Strong bones for everyone except the lactose intolerant! (I mean I hope they have strong bones too, just maybe not from milk.)

  13. I am constantly stealing my 2-year-old’s string cheese. I also enjoy the cheese sticks, usually they come in cheddar and colby jack. YUM.

    Also my favorite cereal is Kix. Which are for kids, according to the commercial. But they are quite delicious.

  14. The idea or visual of ice cubes in a glass of milk always makes me close to gagging. Not even kidding – and I don’t know why. But, I don’t really like the taste of dairy milk. Chocolate almond milk is the best thing in the world…

    Guilty toddler pleasure: gummy worms.

  15. Those cheese crackers, string cheese and gogurt is pretty much what I wolf down at my workplace as my position does not lend itself to a proper sit down lunch.
    The other day I was foodless and my co-worker gave me a variety pack sized box of cinamon toast crunch and I was in awe..but that is another thread.

    • I’m pretty sure the whole “milk gives you strong bones” is just a marketing ploy. It’s my understanding that the major causes for weak bones are sedentary living, smoking, caffeine, lack of vitamin D, and lack of Vitamin K.
      Obviously, consuming calcium doesn’t hurt but there are better foods to get it from. But I definitely enjoy my chocolate milk after workouts.

  16. I’ve eat like half of those things before noon

    I guess it makes sense though, it seems like we basically had the same childhood as far as food goes. My parents #1 enemy was lunchables and their excessive use of packaging.

  17. MILK!!! There are these ginger tea packets, that are like little pebbles of gingery-ness, it tastes so good in milk. Also a glass of hot milk with chai. When cherry season come I squeeze the juice out of a handful of cherries and add a litte sugar, it is so good. Milk is so versatile.

  18. Yobaby yogurt is really good too! It is thin but really light and yummy. Usually I eat greek yogurt but sometimes the yobaby yogurt is just what I need.

    And one day I was grocery shopping with my mother and at the check out and they had these gerber graduate baby snacks http://c3.diapers.com/images/products/p/ns/ns-041_1z.jpg and I mentioned that I thought they were probably actually good so she picked them up for me. And I know I should probably be embarrassed but it was like snacking on cereal and they melted in my mouth, very tasty.

  19. I love the stringy cheeses. They do wonderful things for a dull, drab pizza, boring old cored-and-wrapped-with-bacon jalapenos, and they’re the perfect de-stress-ifier! (*RIIIIIP* ANGRY! *RIIIIIIP* …Mmm. Cheeeeese. *RIIIIIP* …No more angry. And, also, cheese. )

  20. Peanut butter crackers are the shit.

    Also, pre-packed Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal bowls.
    Ya know the kind that comes in a plastic bowl? Amazing!
    *I especially feel like I’m 5 years old when I have to lick every last bit of cinnamon-sugary goodness off of my fingers.

  21. For awhile I subsisted primarily on a steady diet of coffee, PB&J sandwiches, those trader joe’s apple juice boxes, fruit snacks and that tub of organic Disney animal crackers you get at Costco (it’s like, 2 gallons of Winnie the Pooh cookies, and it lasts FOREVER because it was clearly made for doling out cookies during snack time at preschool).

    My roommate still won’t let me live that down.

  22. I’m a complete weirdo, but over here we have ‘Farley’s Rusks’ and basically they’re a weaning food for babies/toddlers. They’re sweet biscuits that you mash up with milk and I love them so much. Pure sugar though. I also love milk. What’s wrong with milk anyway? Milkshakes and Ice cream and chocolate milk and just milk in general. Possibly my body is lacking in nutrients and that’s why I crave it so much? I have the pallet of a baby though. Can’t stand tea or coffee or anything bitter like that.

  23. I lived off of those grape Koolaid drinks that came in the tiny plastic bottles.

    Oh and Fruit by the Foot.

    Yes please. I still get both at the Dollar Tree.

    Mini fridge is stocked right now. Koolaid minis and Mango Smirnoff. Best combo ever.

  24. Potato Smilies were always my favourite. Oh, also, anyone from England…do you remember those sausages in tomato sauce…what were they called? I used to love it as a kid. And alphabet spaghetti, too.

  25. I’ve just discovered Heinz Little Kids chocolate biscuits. Like, literally, 5 minutes ago I became aware of their existence. They look like lady fingers, but they’re crunchy. Having low-calorie, low sugar, toddler snackfoods around the house is the one good thing about my idiot sister and her coke head boyfriend procreating.

  26. I dont know if you guys have these in the States, but push-pops? Ridiculously delicious even if both my girlfriend and another friend were trying not to laugh at the irony of me eating one…and then he just shook his head and went “you five-year old!” In my defense, push pops are like instant flavoured sweetness….

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