The Real L Word Episode 303 Recap: Love Lost Its Way And Ended Up On This Show

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Back in Somewhere, Texas, in what seems to be March of this very year, Kiyomi, still dressed like Hipster Waldo, is confessing to her manager that she’s feeling homicidal towards Somer.

Kiyomi: “I might fucking kill this girl, like right now.”

you say i only hear what i want to, you say i talk all the time, so

Kiyomi interviews that Somer’s usage of the term “the dictator” is one of many ways in which Somer’s been “stirring the pot,” thereby leading Kiyomi to call her manager in order to properly “check herself.”

Meanwhile, Vero the Coolest Cucumber and Somer are explicating the Kiyomi/Somer Showdown of March 2012 in what appears to be a calm, reasonable and collected manner, almost as if they desire a mature conclusion to an unnecessary conflict. Unfortch, that’s not K’s choice.

listen, it’s just that last night you promised today could be my day to wear a sleeveless white t-shirt with a red accessory or accent, and now look at you in that shirt. what am i even supposed to do?

On her way back into the hotel, Kiyomi’s stopped by Vero and Somer, who wanna process this shit and get it out of their fucking way.

Vero: “Listen dude, we’re talking about tones and stuff, and you know, we’re all admitting that we’re all sensitive, that we all get stressed out, I really — like I’m gonna step in right now, and I love you guys so fucking much–”
Kiyomi: “You know what? I don’t even care about lovefest right now, I care about the shows, that’s my main concern. I don’t really care whether you guys call me the dictator, I have a job to do —”
Vero: “The dictator was a joke.”
Kiyomi: “Yeah, but no, that’s not the way — she said a lot of things that are really offensive, and really disrespectful.”
Somer: “I apologize —”
Kiyomi: “In general I think that you’re pretty disrespectful and I feel like you are self-entitled.”
Somer: “I can’t operate under being yelled at on a constant basis.”
Kiyomi: “I’m not yelling at you on a constant basis — ”
Somer: “You’re just short, you know? That’s all.” [shrugs]

i’m basically the pied piper of austin, ok? respect.

You know what’s interesting about Kiyomi? When she’s musing over what she loves about her chosen field, it’s never actually about the music itself, or songwriting even — which they’ve yet to really discuss — it’s always about being on stage. She loves playing shows. But does she really love rock ‘n roll? Because I love rock and roll. Put another dime in the jukebox, baby.

it really is unfortunate that underneath those sunglasses and that hat and that attitude, you’re smokin’ hot

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Somewhere at some point in dusky Long Beach, California, Romi Flinger’s cruising the city, gabbing via mobile to The Slab of Man —

Romi: “I miss you and I just wanna see you more! That’s all.”
Jay: “Get a dog.”

hey, jay’s the one comparing men and dogs, not me

Romi: “I want one. So bad.”
Jay: “Get a goldfish or something.”
Romi: “I don’t want a goldfish.”

Aw! The Little Plastic Castle could’ve been a surprise every time.

Anyhow, it turns out Romi has betrayed the hearts of The Lesbians of The Internet in exchange for a fling with a guy who she’s 99% sure doesn’t even know what she does for a living (to be fair, neither do we), never asks about her, and says things like this to conclude a conversation:

and don’t be surprised if i smell like sweaty balls

Romi’s all prepped for marriage and baby-making like Everybody Else Is Doing but unfortunately she’s dating The Slab of Man who just suggested his role in her life could be fulfilled by a tiny fish in a bowl.

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Thus we sweep on over to another area of Los Angeles on some other night or year or season or era, where Amanda and Lauren have foregone the Mangey Pod for some public canoodling at a Hot Hip Girl Party.

are you wearing my burberry brit again

Lamanda engage in some drunken tonsil hockey, and Amanda interviews that “it’s a horrible idea to fuck your roommate,” and that she loves Lauren and thinks she’s beautiful and doesn’t want her to feel rejected in any way, which I believe is a Uniquely Lesbian Feeling (especially ’cause so many women have body image issues and the last thing you wanna do is be that girl who pushed her over the edge into all-consuming self-loathing by rejecting her advances) I’ve felt that before, I think, and likely been on the other side of, too.

nom nom nom

The camera zooms out to reveal that:

1. Amanda’s outfit consists of a bra, a cardigan, and a winter hat

2. Whitney and Sara are here! With Ruby!

3. YAWN

this shot is too boring for me to come up with a caption for it

Amanda dishes that she’s ditched Britenelle ’cause Britenelle was intimidated by Lauren, and Whitney the Girlfriend Whisperer has some wise words on the topic to share in her interview:

Whitney: “Lauren and Amanda, the whole friends with benefits thing, if you’re hooking up someone will catch feelings. So one of you mother fuckers have some feelings going on and if I had to put my money on it, I’d say Lauren has the eye out for Amanda a little stronger.”

i don’t know i just couldn’t pick out a shirt so i just went with the bra

Amanda jokes about threesomes, because honestly, people joke about threesomes a lot (right??), and it’s this big deal ’cause nothing else exciting has happened yet this season and so whatever. Hell, people HAVE threesomes a lot. Look the bottom line is, I’d rather be hanging out with Giraffes.

or at least muscle us

We then cut over to Romi, who announces that after her convo with Jay, she wanted to ‘dance and play with her friends’ and “didn’t want drama,” so she’s hitting up Here Lounge, adjacent to The Abbey and voted Most Likely To Be The Site Of Lesbian Drama in the Autostraddle 2012 Los Angeles Club & Bar Awards, with Rose, voted Most Likely To Start Drama in the Autostraddle 2010 Los Angeles Reality Show Awards.

so i decided to lock myself in a small container for the evening

Romi’s entrance inspires another round of shit-talking against Romi by the Lovely Ladies in the corner. Lauren says Romi hates her ’cause of Lauren’s previous affair with Romi’s ex, but Whitney notes that Romi’s ex’s lips have touched many other lips, not just Lauren’s, so where could Romi even begin. It’s stupid, but so is this show, so.

i spotted her hairdo from a mile away

Whitney really lays it on thick, re: Romi —

Whitney: “She’ll hate on you because you’re pretty, she’ll hate on you ’cause you’re new and you’re pretty, she’ll do anything to get over on somebody, she’ll fuck your girl, she’ll fuckin’ take your man, apparently — I’m sorry but the fact is Romi needs to be called out more often.”

this reaction was actually directed at the Yoda-cloak Whitney’s donned for tonight’s occasion

Romi notes the shit-talking and attributes it to Sara’s jealousy of Romi’s sexual history with Whitney or whatever, and then a million angels flew over the mountains and turned into eagles and then turned into clouds, and then rained and fed all the corn.

this would not have happened if romi had just gone to yogurt stop instead

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Back to dusty Austin, Texas, a month or billing period later, where Kiyomi’s prepping for her show by yelling at her not-girlfriend who’s miffed by Kiyomi’s failure to call when she said she would, which’s an affront to Kiyomi’s aforementioned selfless personality.

Kiyomi: “Dude, I can’t just call you whenever I want, I’m in a van with people, by that time we had just arrived in Austin, I got in a huge fight with Somer and she’s pretty much out of the band — what do you fucking want from me? I’m still trying to call you after pushing all this fucking shit across town, I haven’t played yet, like, you’re not the least bit understanding whatsoever. What do you want me to do?!”

i mean do you even understand how long it takes to put this much gel in my hair?

Anyhoo, turns out the show they thought was at 12:30 is actually at 11:30 so there’s no time for a sound-check! Another stunning intro from Kiyomi to the audience:

Kiyomi: “I guess we’re gonna play about four songs ’cause uh, the schedule got screwed up. We’re Hunter Valentine–“

kiyomi belting the hunter valentine classic “i have a UTI”

Hunter Valentine’s show, though, turns out real good, with Somer hopping around like she means it and Vero playing her instrument like a strap-on and Laura banging away. Kiyomi interviews that she channelled all her anger into the show, which should tide her over ’til the next time Ali calls.

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Back at Here Lounge, which boasts an expansive bar area (made famous by the Truck Stop Girls who dance on top of it) with multiple entry points for ladies seeking alcoholic refreshments, Lauren and Amanda have inexplicably chosen to stand at the smaller bar area right next to Rose & Romi, who have inexplicably chosen to stay standing at the smaller bar area despite already having drinks and being apparently irked by Lamanda’s presence, which Lauren describes as “an awkward moment.”

short on camera people for the evening, the real l word resorted to relocating all its characters into the same frame

Romi notes that Lauren’s hooked up with Kelsey but also with “every other girl in West Hollywood,” which I think is the pot calling the kettle slutty. Furthermore:

although i look forward to inevitably hosting shedonism with you in a few months

Amanda and Lauren interview (sidenote: Lamanda’s interviews together are always especially cute — and honestly their situation is one of a handful on this show I’ve ever honestly related to, it reminds me of a not-relationship I had once or twice.)

Amanda: “I’ve never met Romi, but how do you go from being a lesbian to being like, ‘Oh, I want a dick in my mouth.”
Lauren: “Because she’s not really gay.”
Amanda: “Okay.”

cut the crap, let’s clamdive

In a subsequent scene which defies the finely-tuned sense of timing I thought I’d acquired for this show, Kelsey shows up!

No, wrong Kelsey!

This Kelsey:

hey-o!

Romi Flinger, the planet around which all other planets orbit, tells her friends that she’s furious at Kelsey for leaving her house and visiting the Drama-Free Zone of Here Lounge and that they’ve not seen each other since the breakup, which is absolutely a total lie. Kelsey dashes by Romi without a proper hello, so Romi chases her down to yell at her.

or perhaps my own fucking girls, as two former make-out buddies are present and talking shit about me at this moment

Romi: “Do you know what I’m dealing with tonight? Do you know what I’m fucking dealing with tonight?”
Kelsey: “No, I don’t!”
Romi: “Do you know?
Kelsey: “No–”
Romi: “I can’t fucking come out because all your fucking girls. I’ve got Lauren and her girlfriend, I’ve got Sara being mean. I’ve got Whitney being mean. I’ve got everybody being fucking mean to me and I’m trying to like, have a good time… and hold myself together… and then you have to show up and do this.”
Kelsey: “What do you want me to do, disappear?”
[pause]
Kelsey: “Come here.”

come to kelsey

R0mi’s got emotional needs like Bain’s got dollar dollar bills which’s why, I imagine, she’s more of a girl’s girl than a man’s girl. If I may grossly generalize inappropriately for a moment, sometimes it seems like it’s an epidemic amongst twentysomething dudes that they believe all women are Crazy Until Proven Innocent and so you can’t have emotional outbursts or cry or be unstable, ever, lest you reveal yourself to be Crazy, just as they always expected. But Kelsey listens to that whole monologue and instead of even fighting back, she just offers a hug. Mostly this whole Romi plotline has served to remind me constantly why I enjoy lesbianism and hate men so much.

Kelsey: “She just looked so sad. I just saw she wasn’t happy, and the minute she saw me she felt like, safe, and there’s all that’s still here and I love her so much and she’s standing in front of me and it’s just like two peas in a pod.”

it’s a tough job but somebody’s gotta do it

That being said, what the WHAT?

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Back to the house of Sad and Fog, where Kacy and Cori are setting up an impending visit from Whitney and Alyssa, who they’ve selected as the receptors of the bad news. They’ll tell Whitney & Alyssa, and then Whitney & Alyssa will tell everybody else, and then Romi will finally stop texting about her ideas for a new fashion line, Hija Por Vida Baby.

Kacy texts Alyssa and Cori starts sobbing and Kacy holds her, and we the audience attempt to prep ourselves for another transition from tragedy to Kiyomi Fucking McCloskey eating crab in a bib while bitching about Somer. I seem to recall crying during this scene, perhaps throughout.

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Thus we return to Sunny Austin, Texas, where Laura and Kiyomi are enjoying some native eats and talking shit. Kiyomi interviews that playing good shows with Somer feels so good, but “putting up with her bullshit” might not be worth it.

okay, let’s get down to business and hammer out this israel-palestine conflict

Laura: “I like her — I mean, I never fight with anyone really. And I’ve had so many —”
Kiyomi: “Yes you do. I don’t know why you think you’re this fucking peacemaker all of a sudden. You’re a fucking firey Italian fighter.”
Laura: “I just don’t like to fight.”

for example, i prefer to just yell at everybody all the time, but it’s not really a fight because I’m the only one yelling and it takes two to tango.

Kiyomi: “Nobody likes to fight, I don’t think. Maybe Ali likes to fight.”
Laura: “Yeah but I’ve never had an argument with Vero, I mean, like not really. One, maybe. I’ve had two fights with Somer on this tour.”

This engrossing/repetitive conversation is halted when the waitress dumps a bucket of crustaceans on their table and the girls bib up to dip in.

lunch

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Smear on back to Hungry Los Angeles, California, where Romi and Jay are enjoying a rock-n-roll ensemble of undeniably delicious Thai food served among a legendary decor inspired by the merciless history of Hollywood’s rock bands, movie stars and hit films. It’s called Toi on Sunset!

and across the kitchen table, he fired several rounds but you were still sitting there when the smoke cleared

Today’s topic: Romi wants more face-and-vagina-time with The Slab Of Man, and The Slab Of Man wants Work, Party and, to an unfortunately lesser degree, Pussy. Romi’s not pleased.

Jay: “You’re a trainwreck.”
Romi: “I’m not a trainwreck.”
Jay: “You’re still calling yourself a lesbian all the time, it makes it kinda hard to be with you. You’re not a lesbian.”
Romi: “What am I?
Jay: “I’m sorry, when you date a boy you become not a lesbian anymore, you become a heterosexual or a bisexual.”
Romi: “Shouldn’t you love me for exactly who I am?”
Jay: “You’re growing on me.”

Apparently Jay wasn’t too gung-ho on dating Romi again, but Romi finagled Jay into the relationship by promising she was up for taking whatever he had to offer and he made it clear that what he had to offer was a series of variations on “get a goldfish” and “smell you later” and she said “okay.” It’s not working anymore, and also girls are cute.

except my ass

Jay interviews that Romi wants “too much, too fast,” for him, and Romi cries and tells him that she loves him but he only likes her, and then it starts raining and Los Angeles dissolves into the ocean.

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Riese is the 39-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2851 articles for us.

107 Comments

  1. “We still wanna be parents. I mean, we are parents. We have a daughter, you know. She’s my first, she’ll always be my first. But we’re gonna try again.”

    Yea, this was divided between me being mildly annoyed by most of the people involved, and me SOBBING UNCONTROLLABLY. This show doesn’t deserve the likes of Cori and Kacy.

    That being said, no one, absolutely no one, deserves to go through what they did. I would have said they will make good parents one day, but Kacy is completely right. They are parents already, and no one can take that away from them. My heart goes out to those two kind and gentle souls, and I really hope they are able to find the strength to get through it together.

  2. I was also crying during the Kaci/Corey scene where they go through Charlie’s clothes. It was such real emotion from real people that once it cut to Hunter Valentine, I felt like the bookstore owner in Fred Armisen’s Portlandia…”Just to let you know how we feel—we are this close to jumping up on these tables, kicking everything off, throwing pencils in the eyes of everybody here, slapping each other, then me grabbing her hand and slapping everyone’s face.”
    Also, FRAISER!

  3. I was on the verge of crying a couple of times while reading this recap, and then things like Whitney’s Mom’s horrified face (thank you for giving it a good label, Steph) and Carly Rae and bread hat cat made it all better.

    As always, thanks for the recap so I don’t actually have to watch this.

  4. okay so i feel like i need an index card or six to contain all my feelings

    kaci & cory: so fucking sad, holy lord. i don’t really have words

    romi: i actually felt a lot for romi this episode, she did seem genuinely overwhelmed and rightfully so, “i love you but you like me” I KNOW THAT FEEL BRO, but then when she cheated (assuming she had not broken up with Jay before ordering chinese takeout/kelsey) she lost all sympathy from meeeeee

  5. Cori and Kacy, from what I can observe, treat each other with incredible respect. In the face of so much bullshit in the world (including, but not limited to oppression and Ilene Chaiken’s editing), I find these two folks taking the time to treat each other with such love and kindness amazing.

    To be truly intentional about forming a nurturing partnership is a huge task and requires some real maturity and guts. What they said at the end of season 2 about their great relationship being the result of years of work has really stuck with me and–as cheesy as this sounds– is literally inspiring.

    Mad love out to them.

  6. Okay, so I’m pretty drunk (don’t judge!) and apparently that’s what it takes for me to admit, even anonymously, that I watch The Real L Word (don’t judge!). Fact: Until about 2 weeks ago, I had not seen a single episode of this show. I’ve now watched all of season 2 and all 3 episodes so far of season 3. What is wrong with me?

    Sooo…

    I really dislike Kiomi. At first I thought she was funny with all her drama, the type of person I wouldn’t want to meet but would enjoy watching on tv, but now I just find her really obnoxious.

    I like Romi despite having every reason not to, and I think it’s shitty of the other women to use her bisexuality as something against her (though I think both Romi and I are confused about that; she was married, right, and not to Jay, so how is Jay her only male experience?) I also kind of get her in that even though I’m really gay (can’t even make myself kiss a guy while incredibly drunk–and believe me I’ve tried in my “need to make myself straight” days–let alone sleep with one), I could definitely fall in love with a guy. I’m with Rose on that, I guess.

    “If I may grossly generalize inappropriately for a moment, sometimes it seems like it’s an epidemic amongst twentysomething dudes that they believe all women are Crazy Until Proven Innocent and so you can’t have emotional outbursts or cry or be unstable, ever, lest you reveal yourself to be Crazy, just as they always expected.”

    This is so true! I often see the advice “don’t stick your dick in crazy”, and at first I thought this was probably wise, but it seems like a lot of guys interpret “crazy” as having any emotions at all that they don’t understand.

    “So I love you and you like me.”

    I’ve totally been there. :( Both sides of it really suck.

    I find Kelsey very attractive. Speaking of which, Lauren and Amanda are both really gorgeous. That’s about all I care about in regards to their storyline.

    Whitney and Sara… I don’t even know what to say. I get the impression that I’d probably really like Whitney in real life, if not on this show. I just don’t know about Sara.

    And finally, I have to say that I absolutely sobbed at every Cori and Kacy scene. My heart really breaks for those two. I also really hope I have a wife like Kacy someday.

    Oh, and actually finally: I just wanted to say that I really enjoy your recaps, Riese! When I was marathoning season 2 I would keep your recaps open in another tab to read as I watched.

    • personally i think romi’s an attention-whore
      the thing is i used to like her in season 1
      i supported her and even helped her out by buying her stuff
      then.. season 2 came and now season 3
      you get to see her more for who she really is
      she seems so fake
      she seems like she just wants attention
      she talks about whitney like whitney’s an ass for the player she used to be but look at romi and look at all the things she did to kelsey and now cheating on jay and always hopping from person to person as well

      on top of that her problem is that she still identified as a lesbian while dating jay and she makes it sound like being BI is something new to her
      yet whitney already mentioned that when she met romi, romi was already dating jay and she’s always hooked up with guys
      AND if you follow romi at all on twitter… awhile ago she replied to someone’s comment and she stated that she’s bi and that all her close friends know this. and that the first 2 seasons show her as lesbian all bc of editing. (i wish i could find this tweet. trust me she said it)
      and yet on this show she’s trying to act all innocent
      losing all the respect i’ve ever had for her

  7. Romi is on the wrong show. This is not the show for her. Please don’t shoot me. I just think she should give up the famewhoring and fade back into obscurity. That’s my honest opinion. I see a little girl trapped in a woman’s body. I see a fragile person who has some deep things rooted in her mind we will never know.

  8. Hunter Valentine are not coming off well in this show. I’ve never been in a serious band (although I desperately want to) but I’ve been around some and followed a lot more and the successful ones all understand that it’s work first, party second. Maybe it’s just the editing, but they don’t look very professional.

    I loved the Ani DiFranco references. That was the first album of hers I ever heard and it’s still one of my favorites.

    Just excellent and freaking hilarious again Riese, except for when it was so incredibly sad.

    Sexual Croce sounds like one of the most powerful and irresistible forces in the universe. ;)

  9. Wow, I’m glad that I don’t actually watch this show cuz that Hunter Valentine stuff is making me squirm and feel really weird and get flashbacks to weirdass band stuff just reading the recaps. Dysfunctional bands are extra heavy duty creepy. Yikes.

  10. Ugh Kiyomi is coming across so terribly. She was so rude to Somer at the beginning when she was trying to fix the inside of her keyboard, yelling and yowling, demanding to know how long it would take then responding with total disinterest when Somer fixed it like a boss.

    and then that ridiculous fight, I can’t really see where Somer did anything wrong, perhaps she should’ve taken the higher road and said “whatever” to Kiyomi and walked away but jesus. UGH!

    by the way how old is kiyomi? because if she’s a day over 15 she needs to grow up and act her proper age.

    • It could be the editing, but I fail to see any reason whatsoever that Sommer was in the wrong. Even when her synth broke initially, shit happens. It was unfortunate, but sometimes that kind of stuff just HAPPENS before a show, and if they hadn’t been so fucking late, they would have known in sound check.

      Then, I could honestly see both sides in regards to paying to fix her synth. If the band doesn’t have money, it sucks, but it happens. Everyone is broke nowadays. (Granted, I was wondering about this lack of funds during Kiyomi and Laura’s seafood luncheon, but whatever, it could have been their own personal funds right there.) However, she was taking care of the shit herself, so I saw no reason for the pettiness re:her trying to fix shit.

      And finally, the last fight about Sommer being too happy that she fixed her synth was the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen. Could she have been bragging about it? Possibly. But i mean, wow, sorry every instrument in your band actually works now Kiyomi.

      I have to say, I didn’t particularly dig Hunter Valentine when I first heard them a few years ago (mainly due to Kiyomi’s voice/lyrics), and now I’m pretty glad I stayed away. Had I gone to one of their shows, jesus christ, that would have been the end right there.

  11. Ya know, this show sure terrifies me if i was going out with someone in a band. kiyomi with her regional reps then she gets upset with her version of a girlfriend. Makes my head spin.

    Romi, I really don`t know about that girl.

    Heartbreaking loss in this episode. They would make great parents – they will make great parents.

    Despite how insane this show makes me, I still watch. why? lol

  12. So obviously there were tears during every part re: Cori and Kacy. But the part that really got me, like sobbing, was when Kacy broke down too when she was putting away the tiny baby jacket and said that was her favorite one. I think it was because that I also noticed her trying to stay strong so Cori had as much support as possible, but then not even being able to contain herself with all the feelings she associated with a coat. Really heartbreaking. Their relationship seems so solid; I want to be like them in that regard when I grow up.

  13. Toi Rockin’ Thai Food! I am missing their duck curry and special purple rice right about now.

    Romi, yikes, I feel so embarrassed on her behalf. I really empathize with the pressure to CHOOSE A SIDE CHOOSE AN IDENTITY – I’ve been out as bi for 20+ years and over the past two decades have had a few (brief) times where I have caved and called myself lesbian even though I knew it didn’t fit, just because I didn’t know how to be taken seriously among queers / how to date men without destabilizing many of my friendships. I feel a lot more secure about myself now, but I was privately very torn up about these things for so long and it feels so exposing to see Romi going through it so publically. Then again, there’s a reason I wouldn’t be caught dead on a reality show like this myself, so. Pass the duck curry?

    PS, bread hat cat, let’s be friends!

  14. Kyomi is really hot, and that makes me angry because she’s self-centered and quick tempered and dear god – i just realized i would totally try and date her because i love self-centered angry unobtainable ridiculously hot girls.

    also, the “OR AT LEAST MUSCLE US” caption made me laugh a lot. thank you.

  15. At first it really seemed like Vero was probably actualy “Véro” and she was French Canadian, because I know several Véros from Quebec, and I figured that was why they never had her speak on camera. But then I realized her name is Sanchez and while she does have a slight accent when she speaks, it’s because she is Spanish-speaking and from New York. AS YOU WERE EVERYONE.

  16. I can’t lie… reading these re-caps are better than the show… especially when you pointed out what the warehouse would be good for….LA FASHION WEEK!!! LMAO. thank you!!!

  17. Before I rant, I totally get how reality tv tends to warp shit and make people seem do one deminsional but that being said, I no longer can stand Kiyomi! I will listen to Hunter Valentine, I’ve never been the biggest fan but I like the music. Seeing the way Kiyomi is though makes me really not like them:/ if this was supposed to gain them interest it’s not working out, if anything I’m losing interest. I love Laura though! She’s the greatest and she cooks some amazing food on her YouTube channel! :) eh I’m torn because I really had hoped they would somewhat benefit from this but that obviously is not working…

  18. I love how you put the call to donate at the end, like – Guys. Look at the hell I went through, all just to recap this shitty show for you. Don’t you think we deserve to have a sustainable website model?

  19. First of all, you made me crave the truffle mac & cheese from Cafeteria. Thanks for that…

    Secondly, I watched this mess with my sister, who is straight, but not narrow (meaning she had harmless flings with a couple of girls in her early 20’s). She first asked if all of the girls in LA look like ‘that’ now. I informed her that I haven’t been there in a while, but my LA friends who come to NYC do not all have multi-colored hair and questionable wardrobes. No judging… I, in fact, did have 2 or 3 tone hair when I lived there. Possibly with a little blue bang mess I got talked into. Moving on…She then asked why Romi was such an attention whore and questioned her make-up choice. She also asked if the giant ring on her hand/finger was a piece of discarded formica from someone gutting their kitchen. I agree with that one. She laughed at the dyke drama at Here Bar since she’s seen similar arguments there and in NY and Boston. Different dykes, same drama. Actually, I think Here is a drama/fight magnet. Oddly, the Abbey is fine and dandy.

    Lastly, I wish Kelsey Grammer walked in naked instead of my baby sister having to witness girl Kelsey whipping out a big (or not so big) strap on. I’m still mortified by her seeing that. It’s all good. She couldn’t believe that ‘these girls’ were doing this on tv for the world to see. Well, maybe a select few, but still.

  20. Let us all take a moment to remember Amanada and Lauren “Like how can you be a lesbian and then want to suck a dick. Because she’s not really gay”

    That is hands down the most ignorant and discriminative thing i’ve heard on the show! It’s so backwards! It is honestly equivalent to homophobia.

  21. Can we talk about Kelsey’s shirt at Here Lounge? What was that?!!!

    The editing about K & C seemed all weird to me. They looked like the cameras were there when it happened and they were not talking as you can expect, just packing the baby clothes, they probably didn’t give a damn about the cameras and felt mostly annoyed, and did not do the interview right away. The interview itself looked like it was shot on green screen later on and keyed with their blurry background apartment picture. Later, when Whitney arrived, I swear it looks like she KNOWS already! And it was painful to see her pretending she didn’t, for the show.
    Did you feel that too or am I dreaming?

    Question for Autostraddle: It seems now established that the audience loves Scarlett and that the production could totally give her more air time. Did they actually asked her to be part of the main cast and she refused or they just don’t see what we see?

  22. Watching a couple publicly go through something as heartbreaking and private as what Cori and Kacy is awful. I don’t understand reality TV. Why does someone sign up for something like this?

    That being said, I love these recaps Riese, thanks for your sacrifice. I’m going to donate again just for you (and to get cookies!)

  23. “why doesn’t anybody care that i’m engaged to this squishie toy though”

    word.

    Also my continued gratitude for your putting up with this incredible pile of shit masquerading as entertainment to write these recaps, which are actual honest-to-goodness entertainment and I think you for it.

  24. I’ve been a reader for a long time but this recap is what made me sign up to comment. I laughed so loud I woke the cats up. The Kacy and Cori part didn’t make me laugh of course, it made me sob like a baby and feel like I was watching the episode all over again.

    I’m not a fan of Romi. Not because she is trying to ‘figure it all out’. But I just find her to be complete drama. Even in the first season and I feel like she just gets worse. If there is another season I hope Romi isn’t on it.

    Whitney and Sara together are growing on me.

  25. For what it’s worth; I know these ladies – and can say that Somer is a multi-talented musician who is also a pretty great live sound engineer at Webster Hall. And Vero is a sweetheart – seriously one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet. Laura is funny as shit, and Kiyomi is nowhere near the demoness that she’s portrayed as. Reality television makes everyone look silly and preys in particular on the behavior of those who are drunk (bringing to mind Jenny Schecter’s term, ‘rapey cameras’). And the show definitely squandered something by casting a band but not focusing on the music. I would love it if the show focused even just a little bit upon the songwriting process, the rehearsal process, the arranging process – the things that really drive musicians to create and perform music…It’s just astonishing how reductive the story-lines are: a depiction of a rock band distilled to its least compelling – and frankly – most damaging elements: shows with bad attendance, boozing afterwards, fighting – these are all parts of most musicians’ experiences (my own included) but they’re also the worst and most embarrassing aspects of it. And it’s offensive to see independent creative musicians slugging it out on their own depicted with so little grace – and dare I say? so little empathy and humanity…These ladies aren’t Wall Street people making six figures or rock star divas of the days of yore with riders and double-decker tour buses and Hollywood groupies; they’re broke-ass musicians in BK with a dream. isn’t anyone pursuing a career in music in this day and age slightly deluded? Of course, lesbians as a whole are degraded and misrepresented on this show like Democrats on Fox News; I just take particular offense as a fellow member of the musician community. My band was under casting consideration and I thank the magical people at Magical Elves every day for the blessing of averting that catastrophe. I guess my point is -don’t hate on HV or frankly anyone who appears on this show; hate on the singular evil that is Ilene Chaiken.

    • I agree with you on a lot of these points. What kinda bugs me is that, regardless of how anyone feels about Hunter Valentine’s music, if you follow their career outside of this show then they genuinely appear to be one of the hardest working bands around. And with the exception of Kiyomi interviewing about blood, sweat and tears (which viewers probs wouldn’t absorb because she’s being portrayed as an asshat), so far this show isn’t demonstrating that.

      It’s unfortunate that we’re only being shown about 2% of the band/touring experience, as you said, the damaging 2% – although it’s not surprising, right? Most people wouldn’t tune in to watch musicians rehearsing or writing songs in a studio, it just isn’t style of entertainment that this show deals in.

      • Yeah, this was my point too. Touring and performing music can be very hard work. It takes real commitment, but this show is making them look like a bunch of children and while they say there’s no bad publicity, I kind of doubt that’s true in this case.

    • yeah, this is a really valid point. especially for like, the fact that they’re trying to set up this conflict between somer and the rest of the band, that i had to read crystal’s interview with somer to even know why she joined it to begin with — and now that i know, i think it’s super-relevant because there’s a big difference between replacing your old keyboard player (as i’d assumed) and bringing in a musician you really like because you think she could add something to your sound. the fact that they didn’t think the audience would care about that says a lot — and i think ultimately that’s the problem with this show, they completely ignore details in favor of following boring archetyped conflicts, as if we’re too dumb to want to know why people are actually fighting, as if the fight itself should be compelling enough. this literally goes for every fight anybody has ever had in the history of this show.

  26. also: I’m glad that Kelsey is back – she’s really cute – but dang, what the hell does she see in Romi?

    I honestly believe Romi has some mental/psychological issues going on that she’s trying to mask underneath her “struggle” with sexuality. She’s bisexual, nothing special about it. but everything she does/says just reflects her selfish, manipulative, still-has-feelings-for-Whitney nature. like, Kelsey shows up at Here and 3 seconds later she’s being a complete asshole to her, after allegedly having not seen her since the break-up. WTF, and Kelsey basically becomes her little bitch.

    of course, Whtiney doing all the shit talking was kind of rude, but I get that the show needs drama now that Claire is gone, so okay. it was hilarious though, that Romi is still trying to blame Sara for all of this.

  27. I never comment really because these are so consistently hilarious that I feel like you’ve covered everything, but I’m going to start so that you know that I LOVE YOUR RECAPS. so amazing.

  28. First of all, this recap is awesomely hilarious and pretty much my only reason left for watching this show.

    I just want to say that Alyssa is (and always has been) the saving grace of this show/thesebatshitcrazylesbos. She always is the beacon of light and knows the right thing to say, and her comment about the miscarriage was spot on, and I hope it gave them some encouragement.

    Also, Kyomi is a dickkkk

  29. I thought Whitney’s mom’s reaction was priceless. This season is way too fabricated that it makes me cringe, and I love how your recaps point out a lot of those moments lol.

    • I was wondering what percentages of that aghast look were horror that her daughter’s marrying someone she’s been with, on and off, for just a year; that Sara, although really pritty and into Whitney, seems a bit dim; and, finally, my daughter’s getting married on this naff show, for this naff show.

  30. Wow I feel for Cori and Kacy…How heartbreaking. :(

    And as for Romi…Not sure if she’s unsure of herself, in denial or just plain attention seeking, but either way, she just comes off as a hot azz mess.

    I can see why Jay lost interest – no one wants a clingy, needy, partner that demands immediate betrothal. I’d run like hell if I were in his shoes.

  31. I don’t get some of the comments saying that it’s IFC’s fault for the “evil” portrayal and editing of certain people on this “reality show,” which is really a misnomer and akin to a soap opera. It’s not like she held these people at gun point, so lets get real here. You have to be naive as fuck, to believe you are going to be represented on a television show in “good faith,” while giving up all the “creative control” to a business (ie: Showtime, etc) that thrives on ratings and numbers. You are just a number, they don’t give a shit about who you are as a person. You make their bank accounts go “cha-ching!” as they exploit you and others laugh at you. I don’t feel sorry for people who willingly volunteer themselves into the “lion’s den” then cry “woe is me” when shit hits the fan.

  32. I don’t get why some of you keep thinking that Romi is either Bi-polar or confused or has some daddy issues.. The only mental illness she has is to be retarded. If you are bi-polar or confused or else, you will have some moment of lights and some of darkness. Romi is just plain straight up dumb!

    • 1. There must be a better, less offensive word to use than retarded

      2. On a show like this, they’re hardly going to show us her moments of darkness. Why on earth would they show her refusing to get out of bed or just sobbing for hours on end?

      • 1. I used ‘retarded’ to go with my topic of mental illness. It might be a bit offensive, sorry, I didn’t mean to make it that tough, it was a tentative of a sarcastic joke by association. :D
        2. On a show like this, they would never show us any contrast, I agree. But Romi, whatever she does or say is just so plain stupid. I don’t think she is bi-polar at all or this is an extremely bad representation of that illness (well, actually coming from IFC..). Ok, they said it on season 2 but they also shown her married to a guy in the past and now it is said that Jay is her only guy so.. I won’t trust what they say at all!

        The only borderline mental illness I see in her is megalomania. That scene when Lauren and Amanda are outside, awkward, hoping not to even eye contact with her, Romi is all like ‘wow, it looks like they are dying to meet me but if I wanted to introduce myself to you, I would, so stop begging’ (I rephrased). Although the fact she keeps thinking Sara is seeing her as a threat and separated her from Whitney.. She is just as dumb as a Jersey Shore cast.
        She lives in her own little world where things are being seen through her huge ego and transformed by her need for attention. The fact she says Jay is her first shows signs of mythomania as well. A real piece of work! But not bi-polar, I really doubt it.

      • I sometimes wonder if “retard” hasn’t just changed meaning? I mean, no one would use it as a medical term to describe someone with learning difficulties now – the other meaning has overwhelmed that sense.

        I like it because I follow through the french – tard, or en retard, to mean being late, slow. I sometimes refer to myself as a ‘tard for being daft, I only mean it to insult myself.

        But then I think of how much I hate “that’s so gay”, so who knows.

    • I guess it must be difficult to be her and to think like she seems to, but perhaps very unpleasant to be around. She doesn’t seem that unlike the (very limited number of) bipolar sufferers I’ve come across, but that’s going from a pool of like 3 people.

    • Jennifer, people with bi-polar don’t necessarily go through moments of darkness. They can be quite ill and stay manic/anxious/irritated. All of those suit Romi. She’s a bit delusional it seems to me, but probably has moments of charm and intensity. I think she’s hilarious. She’s the only one who doesn’t pretend to be mature and have all the answers.

  33. My heart goes out to kacy and cori watching those scenes back now later on. It was heartbreaking watching them

    Also, kelsey, what in God’s name were you doing back at Romi’s door? She comes off as such a self-obsessed, mean person and those comments about the strap on ‘not working’ way to play into penis-in-vagina sex being the only ‘real’ sex

    And Hunter Valentine need to stop shouting at eachother. Its just tiresome to watch.

  34. cori and kacy are such an inspirational couple and my heart breaks for them. whitney and sada or whatever her name is are still ridiculous. romi’s hair is…something else, as usual. and all these new characters, particularly hunter valentine, are irritating as fuck. when is this nightmare of a show going to end? this should seriously be the last season. hell, there shouldn’t have been a first season, considering the hot mess ilene made out of the l word.

  35. I moved to NYC a few weeks ago in an other-coast LAMANDA situation.
    BUT WHO CARES; everyone does this apparently. This is not the point.
    My notgirlfriendroommate and I HAPPENED upon the Real L Word party at Knitting Factory. We had no idea that the band was the cast, etc. We just enjoyed the sudden mess of confusion, androgyny, joy, and hip queers. We took the DVD of the first episode home, watched it, and while we were almost too bored to get through, the promise of the LAMANDA drama caught us.
    (As well as my insta-sobbing at the announcement of Charlie. AH the DEVASTATION that was awaiting.)

    SInce, I have eagerly anticipated the RECAPS. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! I absolutely can’t watch the show. (Ethically, emotionally, or logistically). SO. I am having THE BEST TIME catching up this way. It allows me to care and not care and laugh and cry. THANK YOU AGAIN THANK YOU RIESE.

  36. I love the recaps so much. I can’t sit through the real deal because it’s wayy too awk and I can’t even try to care about Hunter Valentine people even in the recaps. Though I think I would actually watch a Cori & Kacy only show. Anywho, please keep them up!

  37. I don’t comment on these recaps but I thoroughly enjoy them and read every single one. Your hard work does not go unnoticed, Riese. A million thank yous for the laughs you bring to my life.

  38. ok bear with me as I rant.

    I am honestly so perplexed by everyone hating on Romi. I can’t tell if people are being influenced by Riese’s dislike for her which is based on a vague “rubbed the wrong way” or if maybe people are buying into Whitney & Sara’s dislike for Romi (which seems pretty simple to me… Sara found Romi a threat and made sure that Whitney hated Romi so she’s never go back to Romi again. Did we all forget how manipulative and deceitful Sara is?) With that in mind, all the scenes regarding the drama between the three of them makes so much more sense. And Romi is actually the one who handles it the most maturely. When Kelsey walks in to the bar, she gets upset because they’ve been texting (as is revealed later) and Kelsey is clearly trying to get Romi back. Then Romi is feeling vulnerable at this bar when a group of girls are clearly sitting around talking shit about her. In walks this ex, who you have a lot of history with and feelings for still, and its hard to not want to just break down crying! So of course she pulls Kelsey aside and is like “why are you here, right now at all times, when I’m feeling extra vulnerable” and Kelsey responds so perfectly by just being there for Romi and supporting her and giving her a big hug.

    People say she has physiological issues? Really? She is one of the most self aware people in the show. She is really in touch with her issues and is working through them. Romi doesn’t appear any more selfish than Whitney did in season 1 & 2 because the story arc is more about her working through her own personal issues with sobriety, sexuality, career etc than it is about struggles in a relationship. Thats why we don’t continue to see Kelsey after the breakup — the cameras aren’t interested in THEM they’re interested in Romi, which isn’t a reflection of Romi being selfish.
    I don’t understand how everyone thinks she’s attention seeking either.

    People forget that Romi is nearly in her 30s, she’s ready to settle down and start a long term relationship and get married and begin a family soon now that she’s gotten sober and has her career getting started. With that in mind, it makes complete sense that she should break up with Jay. He gave like zero effort in their relationship, he wouldn’t call or try to see her for several days at a time, he would never drive to her side of town, she was right when she said she deserved more than he could give, and he wasn’t emotionally available (every serious conversation he turned to humor as a defense mechanism) and Romi hit the nail on the head when she said “he doesn’t feel anything”. I think her actions are completely understandable. Being needy and clingy is only needy and clingy when you partner wants to see you 1x a week and you want see your partner every day. There’s nothing wrong with wanting see your partner every day, millions of married/engaged/long term relationships do exactly that. But they obviously weren’t a good match. In fact, all of her relationships end for really good reasons. She was right to leave Kelsey and get sober alone, it would have been impossible for their relationship to be together with one drinking and the other sober and Kelsey needed to get sober for her own reasons, not for Romi, or there would always be resentment there.

    She never said that Jay was her only guy, that was just some clever editing and a confusing sentence on her part. She said he was the only guy for several years.

    I don’t understand how people say she seems fake when she constantly bares all and is the most vulnerable and telling and sharing on the entire show.

    I honestly think that people are just mad at her for dating a guy, and are looking for other excuses to cover it up. People are mad because she called herself a lesbian when she is “actually” bisexual. who fucking cares? That doesn’t make her a liar, it makes her an individual with a sexual identity that is probably dynamic and fluid and changing. Its not like its set in stone. And identity has to do with a lot more than just who you fuck.

    None of Whitney’s excuses to hate Romi make sense at all. She is clearly been influenced by Sara who wants Romi out of the picture. We keep hearing from Whitney and Lauren that Romi has some kind of a huge problem with Lauren, but we never really hear or see it from Romi, so the producers are clearly trying to make something there that isn’t there. The worst Romi does is ignore them because she knows they’ve been talking shit about her all night. Is she supposed to pretend to be nice or something? Wouldn’t that be fake? a lot more fake than just keeping quietly to yourself and your friends.

    Whitney says “she’ll hate on you because you’re new and pretty, she’ll do anything to get over on somebody, she’ll fuck your girl, she’ll take your man apparently” but we haven’t seen Romi do literally any of these things, ever. She never steals anybody’s girlfriend or boyfriend. She doesn’t tend to make choices or go out of her way to fuck somebody else over, she makes choices that are the most logical and reasonable for herself, she never tries to hurt anyone. Again, i’m confused by why everyone hates her.

    OK rant over.

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