Previously on The Fosters, Jesús might actually die. Everyone else is in the middle of their own non-life-threatening drama. For now.
Jesús is having a nightmare with Radley Sanitarium lighting. He doesn’t get to dance with a ghost in the basement but he does ride a skateboard, run from A, and then comes home to find his family has sold the house and left him behind. In real life, he’s still in a coma with Stef and Lena telling him how much he’s loved and he’s wanted.
Brandon, Jude, and Mariana get home, think about cleaning up the house for their moms for half a second but settle for trading barbs about who’s a pothead and who’s popping pills. Brandon’s left with a pile of garbage and a reminder that he’s not going to Juilliard. Seems fair, tbh.
Callie isn’t home, not because she’s off having sex with AJ (as her siblings believe), but because she is being questioned by the cops while they also question Troy Johnson. He’s lying his stupid butt off while his lawyer chimes in to help. Callie is alone, unrepresented, and without her moms. Hmmm who are they going to believe? The officer asks if it was her fault for getting in his car. She says sure, it was my fault. Oh, Callie. It’s been years of this. When are you going to learn?
At home, Mariana returns Jesús’ medicine to the kitchen basket where all the pills are kept. Mat texts her from the garage which is moderately creepy in light of the fact that Nick hid out there not that long ago. It’s not the choice I would’ve gone with. They talk through why on earth she would let Nick think they were still together and then get down to the business of having sex on that mangey couch. Ick. Everyone but Stef and Lena have done it there, I think.
Post-coital Mariana has some screwed-up flashbacks to the day’s events. She can’t escape seeing Nick everywhere and then flashes back to when he had a gun on her in the house. Can they get a family rate on therapy? I think all of them would benefit.
Mike is at the precinct and hears Callie is being questioned. He has a few words with Detective Grey (who remains a jerk) and the detective doing the questioning. They won’t let him talk to Callie so he calls Stef. When Grey tries to tell the detective how to proceed he tells Grey to go home and leave him alone. And then he goes back in he gives Callie a snack and her statement to sign. He promises they will be done once she does. Oh, Callie. Don’t sign shit without your moms there. Call Aaron or Daphne or anyone who has seen this show over the past four seasons. Anyone.
Jesús’ machines start beeping right as Mike calls so Stef and Lena miss it. The beeping also interrupts them talking about Brandon and Juilliard. Stef thinks he is going to need student loans. Oh, Stef, he’s going to need his old room back, not a ticket to NYC.
Back in Radley-vision, Jesús is skateboarding through his school where Lena can’t hear him calling and where he finds Brandon making out with Emma in the principal’s office. She tells Jesús that he’s too dumb for her. Your subconscious is mean, Jesús. He hears Mariana shouting and tries to help her but she turns into little Mariana. Teeny Mariana warns Jesús “not to let him get you.” This is creepy af. Apparently, getting Pretty Little Liars‘ time slot has a downside. The “him” she’s talking about is Nick dressed as Santa and looking like a deranged Salvation Army bell ringer. Nick suddenly has a gun and shoots Mariana. Jesús screams and screams.
Stef comes back with coffee to find Lena playing Christmas music for Jesús and her own phone jammed with messages from Mike.
Jude’s tidying up Jesús’ bed and desk when Brandon comes in to ask what the hell he was up to at the marina. Jude tries to lie but Brandon is smart enough to know bullshit when he hears it. Brandon even confronts Jude’s dumb argument about pot being legal and medicinal and whatever else. You’re 14, dude. It can screw up your immature brain. Brandon tells him to look it up if he doesn’t believe him and maybe cut the attitude. We all miss the sweet kid from season one. Also the same could be said for you, Brando.
Stef runs into the precinct in time to see Callie getting dragged off in cuffs. Oh man, Mama Bear Stef is in full effect and she is going to fucking kill someone. She tells Callie to keep her mouth shut and do what she’s told until Stef can come get her. You fucked with the wrong mama, Detective Dumbass.
Stef calls a tearful Lena who is still at the hospital and shocked how much is going wrong at once. I’m calling BS on that. At what point do you stop being shocked? Season five? Lena crying is like ten of those Sarah McLachlan ASPCA commercials rolled into one. I need to go lie down to deal with how sad it is. An older lady comes over to sit with Lena, you know, as is the norm is hospitals.
Callie is getting processed by a guard with an alternative lifestyle haircut who asks her a bunch of invasive questions while taking all of her belongings (clothes included). Callie knows the drill but it doesn’t make it less dehumanizing. She gets the bottom bunk and once the guard leaves everyone else decides it’s time to meet the new girl. Later that night, a male guard takes one of the other girls away. When he looks at Callie she pretends to be asleep.
Lena is telling her new buddy (the badass grandma from Everwood; yeah, that’s right: I said Everwood) that her kids are great except they keep making terrible decisions. They trade medical journal data about brain growth and impulse control. The lady tells Lena that her drama-bomb kids just have too much love for everyone else and being good gets them into trouble. Just waiting for Brandon to try that excuse. I’m 99% sure that this lady is a figment of Lena’s imagination, but let’s see how it plays out. The nurse tells Lena that the swelling has gone down in Jesús’ noggin.
The next morning, Jude has done the dishes (Judicorn is back?), Mike comes over to make breakfast, and Mariana wants to know where Callie is. Oh, boy.
Jesús, of course, has a fever. So the doctors have to try a bunch of stuff to fix it and Stef is not pleased. Settle down, action Jackson. Freaking out isn’t doing any good. Stef heads out to tell the rest of the family what’s up. Jude wants to know about Callie. She’s going to have a hearing and Stef hopes she will be able to come home. Mariana doesn’t understand why Callie was in Troy’s car. Looking for you, Mariana. Looking for you. Emma is not happy with her math buddy who seems to be the hub of all of this chaos.
Jesús’ fever dream is in the chapel this time where his moms are looking forlorn. It’s Mariana’s funeral. This really is some of the most PLL shit I’ve seen since I quit PLL. The moms tell him that they wish he was in the casket instead and that it’s his fault Mariana is dead. This is messed up.
Speaking of messed up, Mariana tells Emma that she told Jesús that Nick was after her but she was just hallucinating. All of that triggered Nick cutting off his bracelet and getting into a fist fight with Jesús. Mariana feels responsible for everything and admits she’s still all screwed up (for good reason, girl. That kid came to your house with a gun!).
The girl from the next bunk invites Callie to party with her. Callie doesn’t need to get high; she’s high on life. Can’t you tell? She also thinks she’s going home. Oh Callie, when did you ever get to go home on the first try?
Brandon calls Juilliard to see if there is anything he can do about the academic fraud thing. Nope, it seems they don’t take payment from the bank of white boy privilege. Mid mope, he spots Emma in the gift shop buying a pregnancy test. Hoo-boy. That’s exactly what everyone needs: more kids. Surprise! The test isn’t for Emma, it’s for Mariana. Does no one in this family use a damn condom?
Jesús decides not to follow teeny Mariana into the light and wakes up. He talks a whole bunch of gibberish before Stef tells him to hush. Lena meets the next-door neighbor’s husband and finds out that her mother (Everwood grandma) is dead. Called it! Give yourself a high five if you spotted “visiting angel lady” from a mile away. Well done, everyone. Lena is freaked out (who wouldn’t be?) but can’t linger because Stef has to go try to spring Callie from juvvie.
Yeah, not only is Callie not coming home but she’s getting a bonus evaluation to see if they should try her as an adult. So, everything is awful! Everything sucks when you’re part of this team.