MINI-ROUNDTABLE + OPEN THREAD: Let’s Discuss That Straight Girl You Want to Cuddle

My Formspring has turned into Dear Abby and at least 34% of questioners have feelings about straight girls and how they want to make them their girlfriends (see also: Advice for Homogays, From Homogays).

As discussed in You Probably Have a Crush Story to Share, Because You’re Gay, a lot of you have ‘been there’ via crush,but this isn’t just about crushes. I want to talk about your thoughts on CONVERSION. Ah yes, THAT ELUSIVE UNICORN: turning a straight girl into a gay girl.

But is it so elusive? Or is it a thing that might be easier than you / we / they think? We talked recently about how apparently, straight ladies are suddenly very receptive to lesbians these days because of how nice it would be to share shoes and watch our favorite shows together. I AM ROLLING MY EYES.

All this got me thinking: is there a preferred method when attempting to convert your straight object of affection? Also, I think it’s funny to talk about conversion as if it’s a thing that we are CONSTANTLY PLOTTING. (No. 6 on the Gay Agenda, obvs)

I feel like maybe it takes a certain kind of gay to approach a straight chick, and I think I am probably not that kind of gay. There was the one time when I told my very best friend that I thought, since we were already so close in all other ways, it seemed like the next logical step was um, [really gay things]? And she sort of agreed. But guys, I’m not sure that counts because I was SO DENSE, I didn’t even realize that I was gay / trying to convert this person.

via miamizeiss

For a more self-aware perspective, I asked a few team members to share their thoughts and feelings. Riese will roll in later with some ideas of her own and then we’ll all feel our feelings together. We’ll play some Joni Mitchell maybe.

Sarah Croce, Actress

I fall for straight girls regularly. It might be a fatal mix of masochism and competition, and ego. My go-to excuse has always been that I like girls who look like girls, because I like girls. And you know who looks the most like girls? Girly straight sorority chicks and cheerleaders, that’s who.

Alex, Graphic Designer

I crush on a LOT of straight girls you guys. I feel like all of middle and high school years were spent having so many feelings about cute girls who only wanted to talk about boys while I couldn’t talk about anything ’cause you know — there’s that whole gay thing. Don’t wanna make anyone uncomfortable or ruin any friendships with best friends you’ve fallen in love with AMIRIGHT?!

Crystal, Music Editor

I’ve fallen for straight girls. I’ve never considered them to be ‘off limits’, however l’ve always resisted telling them how I feel unless they’ve given some sort of sign that they might like me too. I assume that if a straight girl has never shown an interest in me – or in any other female – then she probably never will, and so confessing my attraction to her will probably just end in embarrassment or potentially a ruined friendship.


The Way That We Live / How I Met My Straight Ex-Girlfriend


Sarah Croce

I was a freshman at an all-girls catholic high school, just coming to terms with the overwhelming isolation of my sexual preferences while also being surrounded by plaid kilts and knee-high socks.

via lucyisnotsorryshesnotyou

She was a hurdler and we met her after I joined the track team. I knew I had a crush on her. I knew that I anticipated the final bell so I could run to track practice and sit near her during stretches. I knew that when she first called me on the phone (!) my heart was racing, even though it was just to tell me about the next meet’s schedule. The phone calls became more frequent and eventually started going into the wee hours of the morning.

One day she tentatively mentioned that she thought she liked me as more than just a friend. [Ed. note: Sarah, this girl sounds gay.] It was so high school, but I’m pretty sure my heart burst into a million rainbows and dancing baby animals with streamers and noisemakers.

Kissing her was like hitting enlightenment. Unfortunately, her mom found out about a month into it and vowed to ship her to Portugal to live with her aunts til they straightened her out. But at that point, it was already serious, or at least I was. Since then, I’ve had a special place in my heart for straight girls.


A very long time ago I fell for a straight girl in a huge way. She wanted to be with me, but decided that she wasn’t comfortable with other people knowing that she was in a same-sex relationship. As a result I had to decide whether to leave her or become her little secret. You know, like that Missy Higgins song. I chose the latter and, while I don’t regret it, eventually all the secrets and lies messed us up anyway.

In my experience, a relationship with a straight girl typically happens on her terms. She’s the one outside her comfort zone and, in fear of losing her due to pressure, it seems best to let her decide how fast your relationship progresses. You can’t control if or when she will identify as queer, if or when she will come out, if or when she’ll let you hold her hand in public, etc, and so you just have to sit back and hope that she makes decisions that work for you. I don’t have any advice for when things don’t go your way – unfortunately all you can really do is roll with her, or leave her. And that’s really hard.


I actually somehow (by chance?) managed to “get the girl.” Don’t even ask me how, I’m not even sure if I can help you. These situations are always very convoluted, as you know.

via lezbefrands

I fell in love with my best friend in high school and it really tore me apart inside for a long time. But eventually I began ‘throwing things out there,’ subtly. I was scared. So I had a lot of patience with this game of ‘is she/isn’t she.’ I kept getting signs and hints, so I just continued to pursue it. I think that’s important: being able to sense an honest reciprocation of this persons attraction for you. You’re not trying to figure out if they’re gay because they might not have that realization yet, or they might just be interested in you! Which is cool.

But there’s always that doubting you do, you know? The thing where you’re SURE you’re getting something back from this person, but at the same time you’re also sure that maybe they don’t realize what they’re doing. In my experience, I had two or three instances where I doubted the feelings I was picking up from the other person and brushed it off as something else. But later I found out my intuition was right. You know it when you feel it.

Ugh its such a balancing act between putting yourself out there and also trying not to put yourself out there! I hate this game! But I mean, that’s how it goes no matter what right? Straight girl or not.

It seems that some queers are almost exclusively attracted to straight women. What’s that about? The thrill of the chase?

Some of us just happen to fall madly in love with our besties, who just happen to be straight. And there’s really only one way to find out if she’d like to break on through to the other side, but is it worth risking the entire friendship?

Do you feel like nearly everyone is a little gay? Are straight girls off limits? Are you a master at converting the strais?

Alternately, are you a straight womynperson? What are your overall feelings w/r/t your propensity for conversion? What if I make you a sandwich?


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  1. As I mentioned in another post about the thrill of straight girls chasing us, my current girlfriend identifies as straight and is likely to always identify as straight – and I’m okay with that.

    I’ve been with a long list of straight women and had sworn them off for a long time so there was no way in hell I was intentionally going after a straight girl. I didn’t pine after her, she didn’t have ~conflicting feelings about her sexuality – it just happened. After being 100% platonic friends for some time we acknowledged an interest, then an attraction, then a desire to be a couple, and thus far it’s working out beautifully.

  2. i am currently crushing on a straight girl. she’s almost twenty years older than me, is super pretty, and MY NEW BOSS. it’s making work…interesting. but i haven’t fallen for straight girls, and don’t plan to this time because i really like my job

    • i can relate. boss, 17 years older, married (to a man), so of course i have a ginormous crush on her. sometimes I let myself believe that she’s crushing on me. it keeps work interesting!

    • This isn’t about a straight girl BUT I fell for my boss who was exactly 20 years older than me. Looked like she was half her age. She was gay – divorced for about 4 months. There was major chemistry but I always thought meh this isn’t gonna happen.
      She was my first.
      Let me tell you one thin: Women don’t get any nicer with breaking hearts as they get older.
      I still work there and want to quit as of 4 months ago…

    • Thank god my boss is old fat guy that looks like a walrus, there’s not a chance in hell I would ever be attracted to him, though sometimes (when I’m bored) I wonder what he would look like if he had tusks.

    • haha, this is sooo me.
      I’ve got the world’s most ridiculously awesome supervisor (grad school). I literally glow in every meeting.
      Also, she would totally still look hot in tusks.

  3. >> everyoneisgaydotcom.
    that is my sole hope.
    especially when it comes to all of my embarrassing crushes on annoyingly straight art professors who are beautiful and crazy smart and are teaching me how to draw naked women….

  4. i’ve crushed on, chased, been chased by, wanted, and cried for so many straight girls it’s not even funny anymore… i don’t know why this keeps happening. it’s not even a lesson i’m learning anymore. the last one really did a number on me and it’s been just over a year now and i’m still trying to shake her off. >:|

    after her, though, i swore THAT WAS ENOUGH OF THAT BRAND OF CRAZY. and then i go and start work at a new place and my head spins all day long from the straight girls i’m crushing on. i can’t think with all those skirts and heels and giggly hair-flipping and aggressive flirting and casual arm-touching and mentioning how we should have dinner “together” and then 2 minutes later it’s like “oh did i show you this pic of my guy? he’s just the bestest EVAR and i loooves him…”

    sigh, round and round.

  5. you probably mean real life, in the flesh (flesh!!) crushes but i’ll tell you about my straight girl crush. her name is kate beaton and i want to have her babies. she’s the cleverest of the clever, she’s canadian, she writes comics, and she’s a history nerd. then she goes and combines all of that awesome into one amazing project/profession: hark, a vagrant! look it up. jk here it is

    ubercatholic parents aside, i think she just hasn’t dated the ladies yet cause she’s stephosexual. obviously, she can’t embrace that til we meet.

  6. the only straight girls I have crushes on are celebrities. I hate chasing what I can’t have.
    however, I do have straight girlfriends in my life. Who I love like actual girlfriends. Without the physical stuff. I mean, we flirt a little. they are pretty so i feel pretty by default.
    I ALSO THINK that all females are queer/bisexual/curious. Which I could go on forever about but this comment is already all over the place enough as it is.

  7. It’s like every lesbian I know has gone through a straight girl phase like it’s a rite of passage. I guess I have matured with age or I am just lazy, probably the latter. I tend to crush on girls I think are straight but then turn out to be bisexual and when my friends find out I get more shit for that than dating a straight girl.

    • I tend to crush on girls I think are straight but then turn out to be bisexual and when my friends find out I get more shit for that than dating a straight girl.


  8. i tend to go for unavailable-already-taken instead of unavailable-proven-straight. except my older lady crushes tend to be straight, but those are always just in my mind. maybe i’m just biased but it seems like most of the straight girls i meet just aren’t as cool as the gay ones. maybe i’m hanging around the wrong straight girls, i dunno.

    • I tend to go/fall for the unavailable-not-into-commitment-right-now… but they aren’t straight either.

    • Ah me too! It’s like I have a sign around my neck that says “Are you a non-available-already-taken girl with brown hair? If so I will develop an intense crush on you with absolutely no effort on your part!”

  9. Hmmm…I’m on my very first girlfriend and didn’t get her until I was 28, so maybe there’s a chance I just managed to skip over these whole shenanigans when I was younger?
    I mean, I didn’t even take this whole fancying women deal seriously until I was 23 and met the first girl who professed an attraction to me. Maybe if some lass had come onto me in high school or something I’d have figured shit out sooner, but it really just never happened.

    I can think of like minor little funsies crushes on straight girl acquaintances, but fuck, they don’t even inspire me to masturbate. When I flip the bean, I think about robot sex in the distant future or like greek nypmhs and centaurs. Then I have actual real sex with my girlfriend and I think about her and it’s really adorable.

  10. My straight girl crushes have been very minor…Wanting something that I know I can never have is not my thing lol.

  11. i thought i was straight up till college. before that, i came from an environment where basically anything but being heterosexual did not exist. then, i entered my all-women’s college environment, and slowly discovered and accepted that i’m gay. i’m not sure if anyone crushed on me then, or even now, because apparently, i give off the straight vibe. but, i can definitely understand the “straight girl crush,” coming from both sides of it.

  12. I’m so pathetic. Whenever I see all my old ‘straight girl crushes’ from high school on Facebook, and I see that they are a) single via Fb status (Ugh, it’s tricky when people put single when they’re taken though) b) have no interested in section or have filled it out as men and women – ahhh. There’s one girl where it’s like, if tomorrow she were to tell me she had/has a legit crush on me, gosh, it’s like one of those ‘I’d drop everything to go be with them’ situations. Even though, you know, you don’t actually mean it THAT seriously.
    I’ve been having a lot of trouble meeting queer girls in Honolulu. Blergh.

  13. My big straight girl crush has been waxing and waning in intensity since late middle school, and now that we’re at the same college it’s gaining strength again. I know it’s hopeless, I know she’s completely heterosexual, I know I don’t stand a chance, but it is what it is. The worst part is, she’s one of those bubbly, cuddly, huggy, “Come sit on my lap!” kind of people, and I really want to just be like, “Hey, you know I can’t think when you touch me right? So either stop with the touchy-feely teasing nonsense or let’s go make out in a classroom somewhere, k?”

    • Oh dude, that’s happening to me right now. She’s one of those types who would probably deny any and all suggestions about her sexuality. Sigh.

    • Argh. That was my first two (three?) years of high school in a nutshell.

      Now I’ve moved on to falling for girls who are in completely monogamous relationships. Not much better.

    • Story of my life. crushing on one of my best friends for years now and i can’t decide whether the fact that she’s a super touchy bubbly is a good thing or not. on the one hand my heart skips a beat everytime she touches me and i feel like i can’t function properly when she’s holding my hand or hugging me but on the other hand its just so nice when she’s petting my hair and touching me. sometimes i feel special cuz she’s so affectionate with me but then i remember she’s like that with EVERYONE else and i feel like shit. she’s like crack and i can’t give her up.

      • So, it’s definitely a year later but I’m pretty new to the site and find this topic EXTREMELY relevant. We must live parallel lives (though, I’m starting to think crushing on your bestie is a rite of passage). It’s not just a typical crush-and-get-over-it type of deal though. It’s been like 7 years (since Jr. year in high school) and I STILL feel the same exact way you describe. It’s masochistic and utterly hopeless. A hug, our goodbye kiss on the cheek (especially when aim is a little off and it’s dangerously close to the lips), inside jokes that make you feel special to her. Just can’t let go, but sometimes feel like I can hardly stay either. Woe, woe, woe.

    • Ohhh! I had a friend like that. Nice hugs, yeah, all the way. May have been a crush, if it was I didn’t know it all the time. I’d settled on being relatively openly bisexual for ‘bought a year by then, and she had these hot boyfriends all the time. She got a girlfriend and decided she was definately les bought half a year after I left.

      Doh! But whatever, I wasn’t still quite over my first gf.

  14. I always end up falling for a “straight” girl. I become her friend and then one day- BAM! we start making out…
    Then i wake up and remember that she’s REALLY straight, that my art professor with the eccentric haircut will never learn my name, and that JBeals will never join the dark side…

  15. My problem specifically is that I fall in love with every brown hair/ brown eyed woman I come across. It just so happens that most of them are straight. If there weren’t so many brown hair/ brown eyed women out there, this wouldn’t be such a major problem for me haha. (No offense to blonds or redheads intended. You guys are hot too.)

  16. i have a straight girl crush. i go out of my way to talk to her, she has a boyfriend, but they’re not steady (!). so, over the last couple of months, id go and “stalk” the aisles i know she works, then stand and talk with her for at least an hour. then one day i was talking to her, told her i was into girls, (i think she already figured) and she leaned close and was all OMG YOUCANTTELLANYONE…my sister is gay too!…..uummmmm…..right. i dont even know your damn sister. so! im still trying to get her to go out with me, not “like that” but just as friends…cuz she’s straight…of course… ;) maybe eventually.

  17. I crushed on straight girls all through high school. They were hot and athletic and who wouldn’t crush on that?
    Years later, every girl I can remember having a crush on in high school has since come out.
    I either have the best gaydar ever or am incapable of crushing on straight girls.

  18. you guys, according to facebook my first straight girl crush has broken up with her longtime boyfriend and is now going to a women’s school in my city. oh wait nvm has a new boyfriend. STILL, THOUGH.

  19. I’ve only ever had one crush on a straight girl and it was a pretty horrible experience. She was my best friend. There was lots of flirting, dancing, cuddling, her referring to me as her “boyfriend”, me over-analyzing, and unressolvedness. Be careful. Really putting yourself out there can be a learning experience, but don’t expect anything from her. Tread lightly, friends. Tread lightly.

  20. How convenient of you Autostraddle, it’s like you are READING MY THOUGHTS. Should I be worried about the alien invasion now?

    I’d been crushing on this straight girl for a while, first because she totally gave off a homogay vibe, but then I found out she has a bf/is maybe married. It hurt more than I thought it would.

    We spent some time apart, but now we are spending more time together and it’s just really hard/distracting and I’m pretty sure straight girl crushes are the devil’s handiwork.

      • Yeah, so we have no razzle-dazzle tales to regale the thread with. Well, she gets the immortally priceless line of “I’m not as straight as I thought it was”, but eh.

    • My girlfriend and I were both “straight” too when we met, but I put that in huge quotation marks cause there’s a huge difference between being closeted and being straight for reals. Do you guys still identify as straight or are you out as gay now?

    • My girlfriend and I were vaguely maybe bi-ish when we first hooked up…

      as in we both knew we liked girls at least a little.

      but now a long time later (and a boyfriend later for her) we’re actually dating and we both identify as gay/queer/high end of the Kinsey scale/y’know.

    • Yes, this.

      I’m only human and hot is hot but boi howdy do I love women who scream with their appearance, “I’m here, I’m queer, and I could so throw you up against the wall right now.”

      I love women and being with women and I want the girl I’m with to feel the same way. Thus, straight girls kind of fall by the wayside for me.

      • Oh hell yes! I want a girl who *wants* me. I like a girl who’s giving off the queer vibes – tragically some straight girls have an ability to do this.

        • and tragically many queer women can’t tell a “feminine” lesbian apart from straight girls either…

          • That’s because they’re not paying attention.

            IMHO, straight girls give off an interested vibe in a more curious/unsure manner. Femme’s, even when they’re not aggressive, give off an interested vibe in a more exclusive manner. They know they like women and exude that… if one is paying attention. Obviously, speaking in generalities because not everyone fits into one box. Just my over all experience. People overlook body language far too often… but that’s another roundtable.

            Nevertheless, I vote everyone just takes Cassandra’s approach.

          • I second your vote, kissing is so much fun, more kissing for the people!

            “That’s because they’re not paying attention”

            right on. sometimes it takes more than one’s superficial gaydar, and way too many people only rely on that. the approach via clothes/hairstyle etc. doesn’t always work but even as a femme, sometimes I feel like I just radiate queer. plus: please listen, too. If a girl who you’d never thought was queer tells you that in fact she is, respect that… been there.

        • I’ve been hit on by some lesbians. Like as in they were sure I was gay. And if not actually hit on then gotten checked out. I always wondered what kind of vibe I was giving off that that would happen?

          I didn’t mind and actually tried with one or two. But it wasn’t happening.

          Interestingly, it was the butch types that hit on me and I’m no girly girl. So I always wondered.

  21. Omg, you guys, I love this thread. I think I fall for straight girls regularly. I’ve actually had this mad MAD crush on the same straight(?) girl for a few months now. I’ve been playing that hot and cold game with her for such a long time. There are times when I’m so sure I’m getting clear signs that she’s interested..and then she kinda retreats. It’s been frustrating, discouraging, and just so shitty, man!
    Now normally I would so go for it and tell her how I feel, you know, just throw caution to the wind..but this one is a little more complicated than that.
    ‘Cause I like, work with her and stuff…soo, yeah.
    But damn, that girl drives me crazy…in all the good and bad ways.

    This was nice, we should talk about this more often.
    So, where’s my sandwich? :)

  22. I was the straight girl in this situation. Or at least that’s what she thought, I was fifteen and had never actually been attracted to anyone before I met her. While she despaired for weeks I was working my way through new feelings and summoning up the courage to make my feelings known. So we fell in love and two years later, she broke up with me a week ago.
    Though I have been told I look stereotypically lesbian, short hair, boyish dress, play soccer and an alternative sort of personality. *shrugs*

  23. If I had to label myself at the moment I’d consider myself straight but also think that sexuality isn’t black and white but falls on a spectrum. I’m still in a period of exploration but currently believe I fall slightly on the straight side of the completely bisexual center mark. That being said, it seems many other “straight” girls might fall somewhere along the spectrum where, if with the right person, they might discover feelings they didn’t know they had. Just my thoughts, having not had to deal with this whole seduce-a-straight-girl thing.

  24. I’ve had crushes on unavailable people: I think I enjoy the anticipation/impossibility/”innocent” flirting/near misses/breath catches/safety from reality that the whole situation provides. Older straight women in positions of authority (teachers & bosses) are an awesome vessel for that. I haven’t had one of those in a long time though.

    I’ve been approached/seduced by a straight woman (or two?) Or at least they were like 9 & 14 yrs older, beautiful feminine sophisticated women who were willful, independent, and at odds with the social norm, did not desire particularly to get married & have children (or did they, or didn’t they, they didn’t know, they couldn’t tell) 98% of the sex that was had was preceded by several bottles of wine

    I talked to both of them about men a lot

    One of them is now married & a good friend of mine & I still love her but in an evolved way, that does not hurt anymore, etc. She was a master of the art of “this close; but no closer”, the reeling in and the pushing away. Everything was on her schedule.

    It was what I wanted, but I think she was just doing it, for other reasons – she felt an attraction, but there were boundaries to it, that she was testing, perhaps. With time it became less physical, more mental; advice and wisdom, thoughts, problems, like a sisterhood, but still a little flirtatious (flirty is fun)

    The other one… the whole affair was a mess, really; I found her magnetically attractive, at first, and we had some good times; we were drunk a lot, and discovered that there was something thick about the air when we were not drunk or around other people, like maybe we were both there thinking about how straight we were/she was/I know she was/ that we don’t really have that much to talk about/ that she never really talked to me/ that I didn’t talk either because I did not want to show her who I was

    her heart had been broken, by some guy. my heart had been broken, by some guy. it was what it was. last night she wrote on my facebook wall. It was only ” :( ” [I just moved out of the state she lives in]

    I don’t tend to go for legitimately straight women. I have had sex with legitimately straight women (okay at least one) as like a drunken coercion threesome thing (that I do not recommend) and turned around and been fine; no crush-y feelings before or after, no ailment on our friendship. The thing with legitimately straight women is that I can read that their interactions, even if seemingly “flirtatious”, are not “charged”. And without that charge-sizzle-spark what is there to fall for?

    I tend to like moderately straight women because they tend to be less intense than the really queer women. They have a different way of flirting/engaging than the really queer women, I think, they leave more mystery, or something, they are more stereotypically feminine, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I like androgyny and queerness too. I think sometimes it intimidates me though.

  25. um, commented and it sounded crazy b/c i can only communicate effectively 73% of the time, so i deleted it. hope that’s ok with you.
    i still have the sandwich.

  26. I’ve been in love with my best friend for the past 8 years, but at first I didn’t realize what I was feeling, I just knew I wanted to be around her all the time and I got REALLY upset when we would fight. Sometimes I get a vibe from her like she knows cause I feel like I make it really obvious and sometimes I think she feels the same way, but I don’t want to say anything to ruin our friendship. I’d rather have her in my life as a friend than not at all.

    She’s getting married soon to a guy who is not right for her at all and it sucks :'( My advice to people crushing on straight girls is to just GET OUT NOW before you get too attached. You don’t want my unbelievable disaster of a life that consists of nothing but heartbreak and endless playlists.

    • oh jesus. I fell in love with my best friend too. For six years. She would talk to me about her boyfriends and then cook me pancakes for breakfast when I spent the night, in her bed. And we spooned/wrote long “friend-love” letters/missed each other terribly all the time, etc. etc. She asked me to move in with her some time after I told her I was in love with her. I was pretty sure this girl was in love with me.

      Except that in the process of figuring out whether or not she was in love with me, she broke my heart into a million-billion shards of sadness, which I think was probs inevitable/also a bad way to love someone. So I friend-broke-up with her, and took two full years of my life to figure that shit out.

      I haven’t spoken to her in years but I still (!) think about her every so often. I recently heard she’s getting married to some dude this spring. I wonder if he knows about the pancakes.

      • Oh my god. This is probably my future! 7 years into being in love with her since high school. It was one of those situations where we used to drink and get all touchy-feely and ended up making out a few times. Eventually, I came to terms that I liked her, suffered intolerably and told her 2 years ago. She said she only saw me as a friend and of course didn’t remember said drunken escapades…

        It completely destroyed me and my Jr. year of college I ran away to study abroad in Spain. We didn’t talk that year.

        Came back last year and we brushed everything under the rug. Though we both talk about other “crushes”, I’m still as in love with her as before I ran away. Lovey dovey b-day/xmas/valentine’s day cards. See each other at least once a week and still average 3 hr. long phone conversations while watching our weekly shows (Mod Fam Wednesdays and Grey’s Anatomy Thursdays).

        I’ve actually been wondering if I should friend-break-up with her…but I always end up coming back to “but we’ve been through so much already and she’s like one of my best, best friends”. I think the crush is only getting worse and this comment is really making me think I should get out before she falls hopelessly in love with someone and gets married away. OH LORD. *dies*

      • son of a bitch i used the wrong email address. can someone delete this before i have a heart attack

  27. I had a small crush on my best friend. About three years ago I thought about telling her, but decided it would ruin our friendship. We’re super close to the point were my girlfriends and her boyfriends always think that I/she has a thing for the other. The funny thing is that after I can out to her a year ago she started making comments and doing things that make me think SHE likes me more as a friend. She’ll call and text me when she’s had some liquid courage and tell me to come over so she can give me a lap dance or to come over her boyfriend just fell asleep. We’ve always called each other beautiful and cutie and such but now she calls me sexy and hotness. This is my best friend of 13 years; I know her so well that I wouldn’t dare mess with this. I know if I ever were to get drunk with her we’d make out and probably fool around, then the next day she’d freak out and it would never be the same after that. I love my girl toooo much for that. I’ve vowed never to drink with her.

    • Your will power is sensational. How do you manage to not ever drink with your best friend? Especially of 13 years? Don’t you go out, party, or hang out w/ drinks at home? I have a hugeee crush on mine of 9 years, and the drinking/making out damage was already done. In high school. The crush was acknowledged and we moved past it except that I still have it (after graduating college). I need to find your willpower if I want to keep my girl, otherwise I contemplate phasing out the friendship because the attraction is too strong. I wonder if I don’t love her enough as a best friend and too much as a crush, to make a vow like that. Enlightening. Props to you girl.

  28. I crushed a straight girl (maybe cause I’m never coming out but still wanna kiss her soft lips) then found out she’s getting married and it

  29. Um, well, I am that Straight Girl Turned (sorta) Gay!
    I moved to college this year and met this girl who had a crush on me from the first week. We became close friends then after several months and a lot of angst and repression and doubt on my part I fessed up to my crush on her..and now we’ve been together for a couple of months :) I found out she was never going to say anything so I’m REALLY glad I toughed up and did it!
    I identify as bi and to be honest I’m more attracted to guys…but this girl…she’s really something. I love her to bits. It’s been difficult with my parents and more so because they think bisexuality is a phase…but it’s working out alright.
    So, yeah! It can happen! :D

  30. I am gonna go with the “little bit gay” thing…every girl I’ve ever been really attracted to has been bi, gay, or straight yet verrrrry curious. It seems like I only crush on girls who I make that special gay eye contact with me and who put off that certain vibe. My theory is that gay girls give off the gay vibe pretty much all the time, but straight girls only give it off when they are looking to experiment and are tuned into the frequency. I’ve hooked up with girls who went on to lead, by all intents and purposes, very straight lives, and I don’t doubt their sexuality for a minute…but I do think that there are tons of straight girls who are down to try it…at least a few times.

  31. I don’t care if you’re straight or gay, I just want you to love! (me)

    I don’t care if this is irrational, I just feel like everything else is irrelevant!

  32. This is when it gets very personal…

    + I have always crushed on straight girls, but I think that’s because THERE ARE SO MANY OF THEM. Also, straight girls tend to be very touchy-feely, which makes everything very difficult… How are you supposed to think clearly if she insists that your lap is the only comfortable place to watch television from?

    + While I was struggling through my straight girl crushes, my best friend was having a “straight” girl crush on me. She refused to admit to herself that I actually liked girls and ignored all signs (including me telling her), and I just generally acted like a cold-hearted bitch.
    Now, she’s my girlfriend and I love her way more than any straight girl.

    • You are so right about straight girls being super touch-feely. It drives me crazy in both a good and bad way lol.

      Also, same story except she’s not my girlfriend and we haven’t talked in two years.

  33. I was once straight when I was fifteen but I accepted at first my bisexuality and now total lesbianism. In general I have never crushed on straight girls unless they have flirted with me and given me reason to crush on them. The frustrating part has always been the push/pull game playing if they aren’t comfortable or accepting of their feelings. I got so involved emotionally with a “straight” woman who was married with a child and we were always on the verge of making out. But she refused to acknowledge her feelings and that wasn’t good for me I finally had to get completely out of the situation. When it starts to get emotionally painful its best to extricate yourself

  34. Aaaaack. Straight, in a tumultuous emotional state and fell for a close family friend (lesbian). Hard!! Immediate feelings were mutual but the whole thing is long distance, complicating it further. After months on the phone having fun, sexy, suggestive, serious conversations about ‘us’, she’s making the wise choice and has advised remaining just friends, but I NEED her daily phone call (she calls! – toying with me?), am pining away & basically tortured. You love who you love – gay, straight, or in between. Currently wishing the perfect man would appear and offer me a cruise on the Mediterranean to distract me from/’cure’ me of this. But maybe that just seems like the easy way out because I don’t know how to hit on/seem available to chicks. Going to be a long lonely winter. . .

      • custody arrangement, jobs, she lives near family & likes it – I’m 1000 miles away, etc…general geographic challenges and there’s no ‘proof’ I’d cut it as a lesbian (lol).

  35. Ok, it’s early, but here goes: My first time with a girl was with a straight girl… when I was still coming to terms with my own deal. In the immortal words of Dr Evil, it “got weird”. After that, she’d reappear every so often and we’d hook up, but she had a boyfriend, and wanted to identify as straight. Flash forward to her getting married to this guy, and me walking down the aisle sore from what the two of us were up to the night before. Now dating a pride parade, full-on, rainbow colored lesbian, and much happier.

  36. So I was a straight girl who never even thought about girls. And then I started working at a gym and this adorable kate moennig looking girl worked at the smoothie counter and I would spend all my breaks sitting that the counter talking to her and really really wanting her to like me. And then we would hang out and I would be all like “I’m gonna change in front of you no big deal right” while secretly wearing cute underwear on purpose and I would get no response…SO after becoming best friends for 2 years she is all like i really like you and to be honest I FREAKED OUT. I was like I’m straight, we are best friends, I had no idea you felt this way. (I think for me I just wasn’t ready to be like fully aware that I had feelings for her even though I’d been flirting/slutting it up in front of her for 2 years…I know that makes no sense btw) So like we didnt talk for a few weeks and then we got drunk and hooked up. Now we’ve been together for what will be a year and a half in two weeks. :) She’s cute :)

    Its really funny though because she had liked me since the beginning but didn’t want to show me cuz she knew i was “straight.” And we would like hold hands and i would sit on her lap and we would always cuddle when hanging out with mutual friends so when we told them we were dating, we were the only people who were surprised. Oh-and just cuz I think its funny, when I told my mom her response was “I slept with lots of girls in college.”

    Anyway, though I don’t really find how i identify to be important…I would say that I’m bisexual but I do have a stronger attraction to men. But I guess I am the proof. Cuz I was the girliest straight girl ever. I’m still totally girly…but def not so straight.

    • I have a similar story except I knew I liked her! She’s 7 years older than me, but she looks as young as I do. We were best friends as well. We’re totally inseparable also. I’m also only attracted to men, but only rare times a striking girl will catch my eye. I never knew I would even go this route. I used to go on dates every weekend with a guy. Life is just unpredictable.

      • “when we told them we were dating, we were the only people who were surprised”

        Your mom is excellent, and this is excellent. Well played.

    • maybe you can shed some light on my situation? my current best friend and i act the same way you’re describing. hold hands (on the street, in front of others, wherever), cuddle on the couch (totally natural and not uncomfortable at all) and even went so far as to say i am the only girl she would go down on and that she’s not like this with any other person besides her current male hookup. BUT of course, she talks about how much she likes sex with men but constantly talks about how hot women are. she’s still hooking up with her on/off love interest and i’m still hooking up with a guy but want her more. i’ve never crushed on another girl but for her, it’s through the roof and i feel like she’s giving me mixed signals and i don’t know how to handle it. help!

  37. I have never had a crush on a straight girl. Not that they aren’t attractive as people – they are. But for me, I like girls that like girls. The girl likeage is what I like. I have had straight girls have crushes on me, which is fun, but ultimately . . . not where it’s at for me.

  38. I used to be “straight”. I fell in love with another “straight” girl, but couldn’t admit to myself that that was what it was. Two years later, she came out bi. Meanwhile, I was dating a guy and still closeted to everyone but myself. I kind of wished I’d trusted my instincts at the time.

  39. i liked my best friend in high school A LOT and we used to go to dances together and have too-close sleepovers and other supergaythings. she got a boyfriend [who was skinnier than me] because her mum got worried and wouldn’t let her stay out past 9 with just me and now they’ve been dating for 4 years. gross.

  40. I’ve had my fair share of straight girl crushes, all which have lead to nothing.
    I had such a crush on one of my best friends when I was a freshmen and sophomore in high school. She was really touchy and at dances we would dance ridiculously close. She drove me nuts! Our friendship ended which was for the best because she was kind of crazy.
    Currently I unfortunately have a crush on one of my best friends. She’s really straight too. I always tell myself I don’t like her in that way but then I always think about kissing her. I would never act on my feelings because she’s too good of a friend.

    Straight girls drive me crazy!!!

  41. It seems like I had some sort of reverse straight girl crush.
    Of course I’ve had my crushes on other straight girls, but never to the extend that it broke my heart, like she did…

    Well, we met when I was an exchange student. We were both 16, both identified as bi and were both crazy in love with each other. I wanted to tell her I loved her because I was sure it was mutual, but then she told me about her ex and her new girlfriend and she was so sad, I didn’t want to tell her that day. So I waited. She distanced herself from me all of the sudden. She wouldn’t even look at me or say hi.
    Later I learned she did it because I was her only really close friend in that class (I went to Sweden, and went to the first year of high school which is like 11th grade were I came from, so everyone comes into a new school and class and meets new people.) She said it “would have killed her” to be so close to me, because she thought I was going home after just four months.
    I didn’t, I stayed longer, and she came back, as close as ever, and I knew it was still complicated. When she fell in love with a boy in our class, I told her how I had been in love with her and she told me she had loved me too.
    And at that point we were living together, so, yeah..

    Both of us decided that women were too complicated and only wanted to date men. She wrote slogans like “straight is great” online and never went back to women. I only dated men and kissed my share of women for a couple of years, but now I am a big gay. And she’s “straight”, apparently. Whatever that makes me and her ex-girlfriend…

    And a couple of months ago I learned that a friend of mine who I thought was straight had a thing for me. I’m not in love nor crushing, but when I told her it’s ok, she could come over with a bottle of wine like she suggested, she backed off again.
    Damn women. Sometimes they are afraid of what they want.
    (and I am now exception)

    • oh, and now I remember – how could I forget THAT – another woman that I was SO in love with went straight. We weren’t together and didn’t hook up but I think it was pretty obvious I had fallen for her…

      So. That full on gold star lesbian then got herself a boyfriend twice her age.

      Yeah. I felt like a fucking hero…

  42. Oh my goodness do I ever crush on straight girls. For me, I think I started liking girls because boys were too easy and I realized girls are just pure SEXY. I like the challenge of making a girl fall for me. Needless to say, I do this to straight girls, but then it backfires on me because I end up getting too attached and then since they’re “straight” they can’t commit. Yeah well, you don’t seem so straight when your tongue is down my throat. Ha! But all the girls I’ve ever been with have been straight. And all but one have broken my widdle heart. Sigh.

    • um, you sound exactly like me. you have no idea how many times i have thought and wanted to interject my “i think boys are far too easy and therefore, i want women” in so many conversations, especially the ones with my straight crush. ya know, just hoping she would say hell yeah.

  43. i had what i guess would be an opposite situation to this, where i was the “straight” girl crushing on the gay girl. up to this time, the only girl crushes i’d had were on tegan and sara quin, and subsequently, any girl that looks and acts like tegan and sara quin. anyway, this girl pretty much tore out my heart and stomped on it repeatedly for approx. 2-3 years while i let her because i was in love with her. she was always going from one dysfunctional relationship to the next and looking back, i think i was just what she used to make herself feel better/make her girlfriend jealous. although nothing physical ever happened between us, we had an extremely messed up emotional relationship, which probably ended up being far worse than if things had just been physical. she would always be confessing to me how terrible her current relationship was and how she was pretty sure i was gay. meanwhile, i would really be wishing i could just tell her i would be more than happy to be gay for her, but never did out of respect for her dysfunctional relationship with her GF. every time she’d break up with her GF, i’d work up the courage to finally tell her how i felt, only to find that she’d moved on to an even more dysfunctional relationship or had gone back to her ex.

    this went on and on for a few years, with her always telling me how much better my pants would look on her bedroom floor rather than on me…all the while, she had a GF. during this time, i briefly dated a guy, all the while wishing he was her. i’d finally get over her, or convince myself i’d gotten over her, only to hang out with her again and fall in love all over again. she still is breathtakingly beautiful and has the most intoxicating personality of anyone i’ve ever met. however, i now realize she’s also toxic and borderline crazy. so i avoid her except for the occasional visit to her facebook page.

    i eventually did confess my feelings for her in what will most likely live on as the single most awkward moment of my entire life. i was due to be moving out of state in a day and selected the moment i was about to get into my car in a parking garage as the moment to confess feelings i’d been holding onto for three years. it all came out as being nonchalant. it was more of a moment to say, ‘oh hey, by the way, i like that shirt you’re wearing.’ i had the eloquence of a 13 year old and the words i said did not do justice to the feelings i felt. it was an epic failure. i think she said something like, ‘oh, that’s cute!’ and gave me a hug because i didn’t adequately express my feelings. i wanted to die. i wish i’d just written it all down instead of trying to say it out loud. i completely blew my chance. we’ve hung out one time since i left and it wasn’t the same at all. she’s actually dating a guy now and i’m pretty sure it’s just because she wants to have babies with him. apparently, she’s unaware/unimpressed with alternative baby acquisition options.

    i don’t necessarily identify myself as gay or straight. i’ve only dated guys but the feelings i had for this girl were FAR stronger than what i ever felt for any guy. i would have been gay as gay can be for her but clearly, things didn’t go the way i had envisioned. i currently live in a mid-size mid-western city where to my knowledge, there are no attractive lesbians. or males for that matter. so my options are limited.

    a sort-of friend that i’d recently met asked me out to dinner a few weeks ago. she’s someone who might stereotypically be identified as gay, but i’m not sure if she is. anyway, she picked a relatively expensive sushi place and had me pick her up instead of just meeting there. we had a really fun time at dinner, shared a bunch of food, and then she also wanted to share a dessert. it was all feeling very date-y. i figured we’d just go home after dinner because she had to get up really early the next day to compete in a duathlon, which involved a large amount of running and biking. but instead, she suggested we go to a movie. the movie didn’t start for 2 hours, so we hung out and talked until it started. it was confusing because it felt more like a date than your average dinner and movie with a friend. conversation came easy and it was a lot of fun. i texted her the next day about the race she was in and then i sent her a FB message a few days later, just about stuff in general. nothing specific about our “date” or whatever it was. she got really distant and didn’t respond for about a week and she was very non-specific about hanging out again. it was a total 180 in attitude because i thought we were both having a lot of fun, plus it was entirely her idea to extend the dinner another 4 hours in order to go to the movie. we haven’t talked since, because i felt like an idiot (once again). i must admit that the message i’d sent her on FB was really witty and cute. i guess she’s not into that sort of thing. i want to hang out with her again, because after that night, i totally had a little crush on her, but now i’m not so sure if i should. i’m feeling like this is a scenario where i’m the gay girl crushing on the straight girl. or maybe she’s the gay girl crushing on me, and she thinks i’m straight. thinking about it really makes my head hurt.

    i have no idea why i wrote so much on here. now i look crazy. but it actually felt kind of good to get it all out there.

  44. I do think every lesbian has gone through the “straight crush.” I know I have several times. The first happened to be the first girl I was with. But currently I have this thing for my neighbor, who to my knowledge is straight. But I do sense some curiousity although that could just because I want there to be. It’s really hard because I see her everyday and she is sooooo gorgeous. Like she’ll come over in the morning in her sports bra and it just kills me. I have such a hard time not making it obvious that I’m checking her out.

  45. Hi,
    I spenty life as a majorly closeted dyke. I got teased for it in high school and I knew at 16 they were right that I was gay. However, I pushed the feelings way down deep, only dated boys, and pretended I was straight. Then I grew up and did the whole girl meets boy, girl marries boy, girl pops out a couple of kids and boy/girl/kids live happily ever after. But, I wasn’t happy and, after about 8 years of marriage I started hanging out with the girls more and, if there was alcohol involved, I would fool around with said girls. I never went all the way, but I went far enough to know I could no longer stay closeted.
    Then, it happened. My next-door-neighbor at the time was a super hot, peppy little thing and when we started becoming friends I knew I was in trouble.
    The whole thing started when she threw me a birthday party at her house. She was also married, with kids, and was an extreme girly-girl/ cheerleader/type. So at my party we got drunk and we were dared to kiss, so I leaned down and planted on one her. A few more drinks and body shots, another dare and she straddles me and lays one on me!!!! I was stunned.
    Next day, we pretend nothing happened and life goes one. The next Wednesday I text her and admit my feelings for her. My text said “I’m want to tell you something but you have to promise me you won’t freak out. I’m hooked on you.”
    I was scared shitless but I just had this
    feeling that K was just as much a lesbian as
    I was but even more closeted so I took the
    chance. Imagine my shock when she texted back “I’m hooked on you too.”
    We set up a date right then
    and on July 31st 2009 we both slept with a woman for a first time…each other.
    It was only supposed to be a fling. Neither of us wanted to tear our lives apart over this, but life had other plans.
    We did end up falling in love with each other, did divorce our husbands for each other, did come busting out of the closet and have now been together 14 months. It’s been rocky, sometimes extremely so, but we pulled through and are more in love now than ever.
    Moral of my story – go for it because you never know what will happen and sometimes you get lucky and find the love of your life. So gay or straight, it’s always worth taking a chance!!

  46. Hey,
    I’m K from JL’s story above. I still deny the birthday party kisses, but there is photographic evidence…so I guess I’m busted!! LOL!
    I think I knew for sure I was a lesbian and not just a straight girl “experimenting” after the first time JL and I had sex. It felt way to comfortable, and was the most awesome sex I had had ever had! For the first time in my life I felt like I actually knew what all my friends were talking about when they raved about it. Sex, for me up till then, had always been a “everyone’s doing it and liking it so you should to” kind of thing. It wasn’t till JL that I started enjoying sex, and I’ll be honest here, actually freaking loving it and unable to get enough!! Thankfully JL feels the same!! LOL!
    So, I have to agree with my Lady Love….been the girl of your dreams SEEMS 100% straight and unattainable, it never hurts to test the waters!! That Miss Unattainable might shock the shit out of you and drag you off by your hair to the nearest private spot!!!

  47. I first developed homo feeling for my straight best friend when I was 14. I could have sworn she was a gay because all she wore were her soccer uniform and would suddenly shut up, like me, when our friends started talking about boys. We never talked about things like that, all we did was play Guitar Hero (also kinda gay). As time past I fell hard for her and wrote her a letter confessing my love (gross). After weeks I finally decided to give it to her so I started off to her house. Though on the way there I realized it was midnight and I had just taken an ambien (this was totally unrelated and before I knew how strong it was). So it kicks in and im wobbling around trying to focus my eyes wondering what the hell is going on, when a cop pulls over. Oh snap. Im out past curfew trying to stand still so the cop doesn’t think im drunk. He drives me home, comes into my house, wakes up my mom and sister, and tells them I had been walking around. So my sisters yelling at me and my mom is silent, looking stoned because she also took an ambien, which I still think is hilarious. I say sorry and that I just wanted to deliver the letter.
    So the next day im locked in my room avoiding everyone, when my sister yells to come out and talk. After I refuse she yells that she FOUND THE LETTER! Her and my mom had read it. This is the part where I broke down and completely lost my shit, seeing as I was not out and no where near ready to come out. Worst weekend ever…

    But things eventually cooled down, I lost touch with my crush, and I was over it. THEN I FELL FOR ANOTHER STRAIGHT BEST FRIEND, AND EVEN MORE SHIT HIT THE FAN! SO MANY FEELINGS! I must just have really bad luck/really bad gaydar, because there are a lot of success stories in these comments. Anyways, thank you Autostraddle for letting me get that off my chest.

  48. I fell in love with my best friend Holli in 9th grade. Me and her meet in middle school and instantly clicked. i was still identifing as straight and she was the cheerleader/preepy type. We hung out all the time and she would tell me all about her “boy problems” while making cute faces at me. one day we got drunk and she told me how she had this thing for our mutual friend brandi. i told her she should go for it and she said why should i when you`re here. That was the first time i ever hooked up with a girl. So we went out for a couple weeks until she told me she hooked up with brandi. I got mad and and decided to hook up with my ex boyfriend. After awhile it didnt feel right to be with him when i still had feeling for holli, so i dumped him. Long story short, I was straight and fell for my equally straight friend who turned out to not be straight at all, dumped her, and came out as a big homo that still falls for her straight best friends. It is true. My life is a sad one.

  49. and there’s that thing where you’re catching what they’re throwing and you, being a good sport, engage in this toss game and you’re like, ” yeahhh i can catch this ball, look at me thowin’ it like a champ” but maybe they just want to play catch and they just don’t get it. they don’t get it. you don’t get it and it’s like, this thing we’re throwing, it’s my heart and i’m a little drunk and i need you nowwwww, but we’re out of chasers and this alcohol is too cheap to drink straight because, just like i smells, it’ll strip your throat of all the things it needs.

  50. Are there straight girls that look like butch lesbians or androgynous lesbians. one of the things i like about queer girls is that they like girls. that’s one of the things i like best about them.

    I don’t think I’ve ever fallen for a straight girl…

    I don’t like wanting things I can’t have, I have enough anxiety already that whomever I’m with will leave me or discover that they actually hate me or realizing that I am annoying or wish I had a more well-defined chin, I could not handle the additional anxiety of them wanting to be with a different gender.

    I’ve been involved sexually with straight girls and I guess maybe even sorta-dated straight girls, these situations were always initiated by the straight girl and I never really expected more than what it was.

    La la la

    • O gawd no, I’m totally th opposite, I always want what I can’t have and when it’s threw at me I don’t, it’s Fucked up! I think that’s one reason I like girls, they’re more of a challenge and especially really femme/straight girls!! I like the chase, makin them doubt their sexuality and being th one takin their girl on girl virginity .. The sex is usually amazin, tho when they don’t know it’s ok to cuddle after, that hurts.. I’m cool with freakin out thing if it’s not Gona happen, it’s not gona happen, I’m not ready for a serious relationship anyway….

      I’m just a good time girl, living in a good time world, lookin for that other good time girl, to have amazingly goooood times with! Lol

  51. “Are there straight girls that look like butch lesbians or androgynous lesbians?”

    I’ve seen women with buzz cuts wearing flannel shirts, thought they were lesbians, and then it turns out they’re just menopausal and live in the woods or something. …Makes things very confusing, as sometimes they end up being really homophobic.

  52. Idk, I’ve definitely had my share of straight girl crushes, though they were mainly in high school. I blame that more on the fact that no one at my high school was bi/gay and I HAVE TO CRUSH ON SOMEONE, RIGHT?

    • Totally agree. Past the age of 13 I’ve been crushing on somebody at all times. Straight girls are good substitutes. That’s all. So, thank God for college.

  53. I’ve had straight girl crushes, but I crush on all cute girls… But my problem is I’ve been in love with my “straight” best friend for over 10 years. Like in love, to the point where I kinda believe one day she’ll realize how in love we are and we should get married and live happily ever after. I know its crazy. We met when we were 14 and honestly remember the first moment i saw her in math class, i almost gasped audibly. She was beautiful and only gets more beautiful as we grow up together. What complicates things is she started messin around wit girls recently, “just for fun, I still love men. I could never be in a relationship with a woman, its too complicated.” Sigh and my heart continues its rollercoaster ride. I guess i kinda told her i kinda had a crush on her in high school, but i never admitted how bad it was (is). I mean, I’m not “waiting” for her, i go out and meet other women and had girlfriends (gay ones!) and im totally happy. But still to this day, even tho she lives 7 hours away and i see her once a year, i still have this thing for her. Like i still has this little piece of my heart reserved just for her just in case. eh… *shrugs* just thought id share.

  54. Most of my biggest crushes have been on straight girls. I think part of it is proximity. Before I moved away from home, the homogay interaction I had was practically nonexistant. So it was the friends that I was able to open up to and be honest with that eventually became the recipients of my crushly feelings.

    My girlfriend of almost five years was a straight girl when I started pursuing her. It was very “I just want to be friends.” You know how they are. Once she stopped being silly and gave into my love, she was very visible with our relationship. Her family knew we were together before I even had pulled together the courage to come out to mine. Naturally, in the beginning I had the fear of SHE IS GOING TO LEAVE ME FOR A BOY SOMEDAY, but gradually I realised that was a) possible with ANY girl, whether she identifies as gay or not and b) a waste of time and emotions and also a disservice to her.

    If you do happen to get the girl, the most important thing is to just invest in the relationship and not get tied up over the fact she was straight and/or doesn’t/won’t ever identify as “gay” or “lesbian.”

  55. I never knew I had any interest in women until I met one who knocked the straight out of me. I was 19. Surprised by my own feelings, and also just plain nerdy, I spent hours reading about lesbians on the inter-webs, where I learned that straight women can occasionally fall for women and still be straight. This was my early self-diagnosis. But then there were more women. And more after that. And then more, still. So I kind of decided, yeah, I’m pretty gay.

  56. I am 17 years old and stil in high school. And basically, I have theee biggest crush on my english teacher from last year. This year, I decided to TA for her and my crush is growing by the second. She is 17 years older than me, but we are pretty close. Everyone thinks we’re best friends, and I even text her outside of school. I don’t even know what I’m doing. My head is going to explode!

  57. My first relationship lasted about a year and she was gay. I am in my second relationship now and it has been about a year too. I do not think she is gay at all and she doesn’t really know. She was my friend here at college first and I developed a HUGE crush on her. I finally told her about about it because I was getting the vibe that she was interested in me. Turns out she totally was and at first we just didn’t really talk about what we were doing and then she started to get confused because I am one of her first relationships and I am a girl. She has a brother who is gay and was her best friend. The day she was suppose to talk to him about the feelings she was having she found out he committed suicide… She was gone and out of school before we could even talk.
    I don’t think we would have become anything more than friends with benefits if she hadn’t lost her brother. We became so close after that. Losing someone just makes you bond with someone else. She needed someone and I wanted to be that person to take care of her.
    She realized that it doesn’t matter if she is straight or gay. We are in love and we will be together as long as it lasts. At first I struggled with the fact that I am gay and she isn’t but a lot of that struggle was because I wasn’t completely out yet. So I guess that is my story. We are happy and to me dating a straight girl is not bad at all. I know she is in love with me and that is all that matters.

  58. Oh my god, straight girls. I had a huge, life-altering, brain-shattering crush on my straight best friend for two years in high school. Like, the kind where your whole life’s about her and everyone knows except her because you can’t even pretend, and you just get wasted and lie on your back on the street and think deep thoughts about the nature of life and love and you cry a whole lot.

    I got over her, eventually (mostly by dating a guy, let’s not even talk about that) and now I do not go near straight girls. Do not understand the attraction. I love women. I love women who love women. God help me, I’m about to semi-quote Kissing Jessica Stein, but I only want to be with someone who craves me/can’t wait to get my clothes off. I am not just someone’s bit of experimental fun, I can’t handle that. And women who love women and KNOW that and own it are just the most phenomenally attractive thing in the world. As soon as I find out someone’s straight I’m out.

    Besides, queer girls are more than capable of fucking up my life/emotions/everything. I just do not need any additional potential for that.

  59. What not to do/what I recently did: “straight girl” on 3rd floor of my building is being SUPER flirty. Invite her to lunch. At lunch say: “so I noticed you don’t have “likes men” or “likes women” listed on your facebook. Are you gay?” and then ask “are you sure” when she says “no.” Creates a pretty aaaaaawkward work environment and hard to recover from. Lesson learned.

  60. But what if you’re at high school?!?! There are ONLY straight girls in existence there, at least as far as I’m aware, at mine. And some (well one, really) of them are tooootally cute, but rave about boys all the time. I don’t know a single lesbian/bi girl, on the other hand none of my friends know I’m gay, but from experience that makes not an iota of difference, anyway. Maybe I should join up the newly-founded LGBT society and befriend like-minded lesbians…

    • Hannr, let me tell you a story, I was the only even-faintly squint-harder-and-you-might-see-it accidentally-sort-of-out person in my year at school, but every time I talk to my friends at home it turns out YET MORE people in our year have come out as totally all homosexual all the time. It now appears that ~everyone I went to school with was gay*. There are so many gay people all around you, just you/they don’t know/want to admit it yet.

      In conclusion: YEAH join the lgbt! I wish I’d done it years before I did.

      *conservative estimate

      • OMG I went along to the LGBT meeting and it wasn’t even that amazing, as a meeting, but the people there and the VIBES MAN were just so lovely and there are actual gay people/people who love gay people/gay teachers at my school (!) and I was really not liking 6th form when I started last month but now everything is making sense and being great. Thankyou! :D

  61. My last boyfriend was in first grade. Missed him bad for a few years. My first (and so far only) girlfriend was my best friend in fourth grade. I’m from an international school, so people come and go all the time; she’s the reason I got an e-mail, and frankly, I think I still have most of the presents she gave me tucked all around me.

    IN any case, I guess that was my first girl-crush. We lost touch for a few years, then finally figured email out and we chatted ALL the time. She’s the one who got the idea into my head that I could like girls, cuz she liked me, and turns out I liked her. She wanted me to claim being lesbian, but since I’ve yet to figure out how attracted I am to guys, I always claimed bi. She claimed lesbian, then broke our long-distance of a year for her bf. Go figure.

    At the time, I wasn’t even sure if I considered ours a relationship-relationship. My mom thought it was just a passing thing, and since I still claim to be bi, she goes psh. But I WAS heartbroken for 1-2 years after. Dude in my supermarket (old, ick) told me whoever he was was lucky, so I figured, based on that, that it really was a relationship. That, and I still wanted to talk to her, even if she babbled about her bf. Even if it was long-distance since it’s declaration.

    I’m mostly over it now, my mom still thinks I’m kidding (not bi, gay, or whatever. Def. not asexual xD), and I’ve mostly been oblivious to any crushes I may have had. Guess I’m kinna scared of the loneliness that followed that break-up, cuz I’m pretty much still not-looking. I’m taking a gap year before college. ‘M guessing when I fall, it’ll be then, and hard. I think when I fall in love I fall hard.

    Well, no straight girl involved, really, but it is cathartic.

    Oh, wait, there was a crush on a straight girl. She turned lesbian, completely, half a year after I left the country. She was nice to hug, hugged her any chance I got. Heh. -_-

  62. Story of my life. I think every girl is gay until she tells me otherwise. i’ve got to stop this, my crush list gets longer by the minute! and what the hell should i do about being severely attracted to my angelic RA who delights in giving me the silent treatment and then draws out “I love you’s” at goodbyes? Oh Lawd Hep Me!

    • I do precisely the opposite. If I meet a girl and she is cute but not obviously queer, I will assume she’s straight, irrespective of how much she triggers my gaydar. Regrettably this doesn’t ever stop me from crushing on her. Woe is me, et cetera.

  63. So crushing on a straight girl and wanting to “turn” her? totes cool, even if she goes back to her bf.
    A bisexual women even if she’s monogamous and is interested in a long term committed relationship? no not in a million years because she’ll just leave you for a man.

    OK, I got it. loud and clear.

  64. I’m the straight girl, sort of. I’ve always been attracted to both genders, but never felt a strong enough pull to act on any female attractions. I got married 5 years ago – we’ve been together for ten years and he’s my only sexual partner. Meanwhile, a year or two ago we moved away to a new state and I started playing roller derby. In the spring, I met another woman my age who was also new in town. When I realized she was hitting on me in our first conversation and is openly gay, I was really flattered. We flirted pretty heavily early on and even cuddled one night, and although things have long since cooled, we’re still friends and I still have a HUGE crush. I catch her checking me out when we hang out, but she respects my relationship. I kind of wish she wouldn’t, but I’m both too shy and already feel too guilty to make any moves myself. …There’s a reason I like roller derby and a big part of it is the amazing, aggressive women. In another life, maybe.

  65. pretty much every girl i’ve had a serious thing for has been straight, except the one girl i ended up in a two year relationship with; and i THOUGHT she was straight when i met her… but no ma’am, gay as can be. I attribute it to being attracted to girls who are femme, and i don’t know very many femme gay girls. In fact, my ex might be the only one that I know, come to think of it. Damn. I currently have a crush on a girl who may or may not be into the ladies, but I can’t figure it out, and I have that whole fear of freaking her out if I let her know I’m interested. I feel like I’ve reverted back to being a teenager. EXCEPT I’M REALLY LIGHT YEARS AWAY FROM THAT.

  66. This post makes me feel quite guilty, as I was the “straight girl” and admittedly I was horrible. I became friends with this girl who was openly gay and we got on amazingly to the point every waking moment we spent talking, spending time with each other and generally hanging and this went on for a good 8 months and then BOOM, she told me she loved me and I freaked. I don’t know why, I knew she liked me and I liked her but I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to admit so I ignored her for a few month and then one day I ran to her house and I kissed her (and all the things that followed) but I made her keep it secret and did so for nearly 3 years. I’m 100% sure people knew that their was something going on, as we spent ALL the time we could together and neither of us had other partners but stupidly I was so scared and it was only once we broke up that I got the courage to tell people and it’s amazing not to have this dirty little secret anymore but I still wish (for her sake more than anything) that I had told the world or at least my friends when I was with her and that I had found the most wonderful and caring person I could ever have hoped for in a first love and that she made me happier than I ever been.
    Love may not last forever but live for it in the now who ever you love. Don’t do what I did and taint the good moments with secrecy and burdans.
    Geezze now I’m depressed. lol

  67. I have a friend, straight girl, who we have always had massive sexual tension towards one another. She recently became engaged. Last week, she consumes her fair share of alcohol and decides to inform me that, while she loves her fiance, she loves me too and is upset that we will never “make love” or have a relationship…which she tells me she has thought about. The next day, sober, tells me that she meant every word. Now, sleeping with her is all I can think about and how it will never happen even though we both want something more.

  68. Whenever I crush on straight girls, I just let it go. It [almost] never ends well. And if she’s your friend, you will most likely lose her.

  69. i have an on going five year crush on a girl that usually dates boys. as it seems with many of you guys, its the cuddles, the “i love yous”, and all that jazz that drove my noggin crazy. though your wise words have made me realize more so my foolishness and insecurity on the matter. i had preached the words of “love is love” but when, last year she told me she was in love with me on valentines day, i ran like a rabbit in the headlights. that was a drunken messy night.

    alcohol is such a c**t for the heart strings.
    in a way i feel like theres too much history of “nearlys”, “could have beens” and secret longings to ever try with her, though everytime she contacts me (at least once a week) my head reels with the thought of being with her.

    shes got a bf, they speak in “we did this” and “we did that” talk, with him speaking for her, its gross.

  70. I like straight girls. Straight girls like me. Mostly because they assume I am straight when I am actually a total homogay.

    Pro: When my homogayness is revealed/figured out they want to make-out with me

    Con: Making out only gets you so far, amiright?!

  71. I didn’t realize that I was bi until I had this massive crush on my straight girlfriend. Massive. Intense. And I had a boyfriend too (yeah…the confusing part).
    All I know is that she came back from vacation, and came over to my house. I was watching TV and said hello, and she told me she had missed me. Then she came over, straddled my lap and asked me if I wanted to make out. She was kidding of course, as there were at least 3 other people in the room and there was no alcohol involved.
    I thought my heart was going to explode out of my chest and all over her cute, flowy tanktop.

    I respectfully declined and then went to my room and cried (not really but I wanted to). But that’s kind of when I clued in that I didn’t just like dudes anymore.
    I’m still a little in love with her. She has no idea.

    • oh man. how’s that going? i’m basically in that same boat. a real wretched place to be. advice?

  72. My first girl was a straight girl. I find it relevant to this because it is unusual. I didn’t chase after her. I didn’t even identify as gay in the least. As far as we knew we were both boy crazy and had pictures of elijah wood on our walls. Which also should have been my give away that and my girl watching in the gym lockers but you know. So anywho, here’s how I “got the girl” I said things her boyfriend and any boyfriend after that wouldn’t say to her. It’s pretty simple. Guys don’t say the things women want because it doesn’t occur to them. Why? Cause most them don’t need to be told a hundred times a day confidence boosting compliments. They don’t understand sometimes we need reassurance or need extra love on our time of the month or whatever it is. So I just showed I genuinely cared (which is how I am on a consistent basis with everyone especially people I’m close with but she didn’t realize this because I was pressing all the right buttons) so all of a sudden she wants to hold my hand everywhere, um ok. Then she kisses me to greet me and say goodbye, ok I’m up for that. Then she buys me presents and takes me on “dates” which I was too naive to realize at the time. And then we make out. Glorious. Then she invites me over to a “sleepover” one in which I expected to play a boardgame or go night swimming and eat junkfood. Instead I walked my fourteen year old self upstairs to her sweet sixteen yr old room to find hard core porn on and dildos everywhere. I freaked out and called it off. She claimed I led her on went insane and carved my name into her arms and stalked me for nearly a decade. So what I’m sayin is don’t do it. And date people who really like you and dont just want to fuck you to crazy porn because they have a experimental need to fulfill. Your worth more than that. Your worth a relationship. I’m sure not everyone is like that but. Just sayin…

    • Wow, not where I thought this story was going at all. Thanks for sharing. Sorry it ended with her being crazy & obsessive. Hope she’s better now.

  73. I’m in a situation right now with my “straight” friend. I resigned myself to the fact that she was straight, but recently told me she had been thinking about her sexuality since becoming such good friends with me and talking to her about my coming out and stuff. Unfortunately, I was too scared to do anything.

    Now it’s mostly me being a little weird and over analyzing everything she does thinking, “Does she like me? Oh she does! Oh wait no she doesn’t. Oh she does!” I’ve been trying to just take it in stride and not freak her out.

  74. Been there done that, its fun until you get mind fucked and get left alone she was my first straight girl and HOPEFULLY my last .

  75. Being the only lesbian in town can be awkward and isolating at times but it can have. its. perks. I’m just sayin’

    You just have to know how to play the game and you have to be willing to play the game.

    I’m kind of done with it but the straight girl crush was definitely my thing for a long time. I may always fight with it like a bad habit. :)

  76. well i´ve been with straight girl for four years, it was perfect, sometimes not very easy, but which relationship is right ? now we are very good friends and talk about everything, her boyfriend, my new straight-girl lover and all that stuff :-D So when you feel your heart goes this way, follow it, you won´t get more broken that if you don´t act on it and wonder for decades about **** …

  77. I tend to go for completely unattainable, whether straight or the not-interested-in-a-relationship girls, which I tend to take as “I just don’t like you”, or the already taken girls. Either way, chasing something you can’t have can be fun, but sometimes way to disappointing and potentially heartbreaking to be worth it. But you never know till the chase is over, right?

  78. Since I’ve no experience with crushing on a straight girl, and I find it unlikely I ever will, I can’t answer anything from that perspective, but I imagine these are all the feelings that my first and ex girlfriend went through during the first month we knew each other. I thought I was completely straight because I definitely liked boys and no girl had ever caught my eye. Bahaha. Funny thought now. I knew she was gay. We both did the insecure does she/doesn’t she dance for a little while, she thinking I was straight, I thinking she couldn’t possibly be into me. I realized and accepted my crush within a couple weeks. Then one night, I got up the guts to say it, and BOOM…two and half years later…

    As a “converted” person, all I have to say is that it’s very true that there is no such thing as conversion. Just further self discovery. I did not “become” bi or whatever. I always was. I just had to figure it out. And I do think a whole lot of people are a little bit gay. They just hate the ambiguity that comes with any kind of sexual fluidity.

  79. Ahh, straight love confessions.

    When I was at uni, I had a major crush on this girl. Everyone in our class knew. Then I met this girl who I met in another class and she ended up being my first girlfriend. Last year, she got married to a man and is happily married to him. It’s cool with me though, I don’t have feelings for her at all except ones of friendship.

  80. I crushed so bad on my high school accounting teacher. Like, obsessed. Then again, my high school had maybe 80 in my graduating class. Weren’t many ladies (no out lezzies) to get attached to.

    I did have the best-friend straight girl crush for a little while. She’d let me massage her shoulders and then tell me about her guy crush. High school was so strange.

  81. Straight Girls.
    They’re not straight. They like the attention we give them whether they ever admit it or not.

  82. Yeah, my high school has about 400 students; among them, there is like one gay guy and about two queer girls, and they are dating each other, probably just out of necessity. Thus I am forced to lust after random straight girls. I have, however, somehow managed to convert my very straight, very hot Model UN partner. Basically what started as hanging out at my house watching tv became tickle fights and them just making out. She’s fucking awesome. Of course, there’s a few problems, including, but not limited to, our complete lack of privacy (got comically close to my mom finding out), her own confusion about her orientation and identity, her graduating this year and while I have another two years of school, and her parents point-blank stating that she would be disowned and they would not pay for college if she turned out gay or whatever. Augh, complicated…

  83. ahhh…straight uni girls that look gay. Shaved head, doc martens, vegetarian…femme. bane of my existence.

  84. Apparently I haven’t learned anything and I have to keep coming back to this article to help me get over straight girls. Thanks for this…again.

  85. I have somehow managed to only date straight girls….. for a grand total of two.
    I didn’t even try to get either of them…… One of them practically threw herself onto me though.
    Now I am wondering if my streak of luck will continue for this new straight girl that I met that’s oh so gorgeous and looks like maybe she could be heteroflexible?
    Where are all the gay ladys, guys? I feel like they’re everywhere but nowhere.

  86. For my whole life there was not a doubt in my mind that I was straight- I dated and slept with plenty of guys, and the idea of getting my lady-love on didn’t appeal to me at all. Then I kissed a girl, slept with a girl and fell deeply in love with a girl. I realised that vaginas are not scary but are in fact wonderful, and I couldn’t go back. I now struggle to believe that not all straight girls are really lesbians deep down!

  87. For all lesbians out there: Please dont be afraid to hit on your straight lady-love. Many women, including myself, find themselves crazy enamoured with a lesbian but never approach it because we simply dont know how to approach a woman. Am I EVEN really fealing the sexual tension in the room so thick that its cutting of circulation to anyone nearby or is it just me? Many of us who consider ourselves straight were raised in asphyxiatingly archaic homes where we were reppressed into thinking we were just weird straight girls.
    I certainly wish my lady love would approach me because she makes me feel like a sweaty 13 year old therefore making it impossible for me to express how I feel other than a uh huh or no answer.

  88. I was the straight girl, just split from my boyfriend of 6 years and was drinking/socialising alot. Didnt know that if it didn’t feel right to just drop it from the start and look somewhere else… but we all need to start somewhere right? I did not realise that I liked girls until I met a girl who I fell for. She was straight too, but was very flirty to everyone, she was one of those girls who made everyone feel like they were the world to her. Every touch made me have goose pimples. I adored her to no end. We did the whole hold hands, sleep in the same bed and snuggle, we even kissed – one night in a taxi she full on kissed me on my lips (I can still clearly remember every nano second!). She moved away, my heart went too. She asked me to moved away with her, my heart said yes with no thought but my head stupidly said no. I pondered for months… I eventually went down and stayed with her (she was sleeping with her male flatmate at the time), during said visit she said to me that if you want something in life you need to grab it with both hands, it will not come to you. She said this as she was standing against a wall, looking like she was begging for me to kiss her. I didn’t. Too much in shock, not realising that I was actually gay. (took me years to fully come out) I went home and our relationship/friendship was never the same. My lesson to all of you young girls is just do it. The only thing you have to lose is that regret that creeps up on you for years to come. For me its been just over 10 years, its the only thing I ever regret not doing. Who knows where it could’ve gone, it may have gone sour or not. I will never know. I am with someone else now, and have been for almost 6 years, and although I love her, she never gave me goosebumps. She has since married her flatmate and they have recently became parents. I often wonder whether she still thinks of me as often as I think of her. I did she her about 4 years ago and both of us just cried, it was awkward as there was other people around. I wonder were we crying about the same thing?

  89. i’m seriously crushing on a straight girl shes my best friend like, my my best friend. i don’t know what to do, when we are hanging out i forget that we are just friends and i get an urge to kiss her but i cant and when i’m at play practice for my school play and she shows up to manage the set i get really happy that shes there its so hard to know that i cant have her and its even worse that i cant tell her these things, i’m afraid our friendship will be awkward if i tell her :(

  90. Glad I’ve found this site! I’ve been plodding through the articles for weeks in the hope to learn something. Because… you know there’s this gay girl that drives me nuts! In a good way. But still nuts.
    To her I probably look pretty straight… having had a bf for almost ten years now. But I’ve always felt attracted to girls, too even though only to the girly girls so far, the bicurious ones that were only after an adventure, all good.
    And there she comes along and turns my world upside down. The thing is, I wouldn’t give up my bf (for anyone), but I still want to be close to her… I love that friendship that we’re slowly growing and would hate to risk it… I just want to be around her and I certainly wouldn’t want to hurt her feelings with some kind of second base relationship! :/
    But I’d love to tell her how I feel, just to let her know how awesome she is… and let her decide if she wants to go any further… But I’ve really got no idea how and if it’s ok at all and if it would make things awkward… I’m so scared I could hurt her in any way.

  91. this is probably the thousandth thread ive gone through trying to figure this all out. So the story goes:
    I just started university and am in a long term relationship with a guy who I was head over heels with and would do anything for and see everyday etc and i never thought i would love anyone else and first i was thinking i would never love another guy because i wasn’t into girls and i don’t even know if i still am or my heart has just randomly chosen a girl this time. So yeah i met a girl at uni and she was fun to hang out with but i didnt think much beyond that. Then I started to find myself looking forward to uni (which i previously dreaded) just to see her and id be gutted if she was away. So it was strange to me because i hadn’t felt this way about a girl before but i was coping because it was just curiosity. She can be flirty at times with me and sometimes i question if there is anything there for her. And then at the end of the semester we had drinks with uni friends and i crashed at her place. We shared a bed and had a mini playfight and laughed and laughed. She said she had never laughed so much with anyone before in her life. And we ended up cuddling/spooning, she even lay on my chest and i held her and she said isnt this romantic?. She has a boyfriend and so do I and i feel bad about it but this is messing with my head because I can’t stop thinking about her and it hurts because I doubt she sees me in the same way. I’m scared to tell her because i don’t want to weird her out or lose my group of friends and i esp dont want to be rejected because its only that little shred of hope that’s keeping me hanging on. Any help would be appreciated esp if you could tell me how i can know if she likes me in the same way?

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