Real L Word 305 Recap: I Wasn’t Expecting This To Be So Bitchy

Somewhere else in the same general region, Amanda and Lauren are prepping for their pussy party.

Amanda: “I am scared as fuck to go to Dinah. Whitney and Sara were like Oh my G-d, by the end of it we’re gonna need IVs and oxygen masks and it’s like WHERE THE FUCK AM I GOING?”

I’d just like to state for the record that the last time I went to Dinah Shore, I required IVs and oxygen masks! It was super weird. (recap: here.)

not gonna lie, this is not a lie

As hostility free-floats throughout the vehicle, Lauren suggests they make predictions for the trip. Amanda wants to know, “will Lauren wipe the dust off her vagina and get laid?” Lauren observes that “Amanda has been a psycho-brat lately.”

show me your teeth

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Meanwhile, in Herbie Valentine’s Lovebug, Laura and Vero are astutely noting that Kiyomi and her not-girlfriend seem to squabble before Kiyomi leaves town with alarming consistency. I’m pretty sure they squabble before, during, and after everything, ever. They squabble before, during, and after microwaving a burrito.

pure poetry

Vero: “Are you in love with her? Because you don’t really light up when you say her name.”
Kiyomi: “No, I don’t light up when I say her name. I think Ali blew up this whole thing last night because she was afraid that I was gona do something at Dinah Shore.”
Laura: “Which you are, so?”
Kiyomi: “Thank you! Did you make me some appointments already?”
Laura: “No, I just know you. I know you very very well.”
Kiyomi: “I could also get there and not be attracted to anybody.”

yeah but dude remember when you drink a lot and like, shit gets cray-cray…

It’s possible.

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Back in Lamanda’s LaSabre, Lauren gets a textual message from Kiyomi expressing Kiyomi’s desire to witness Lauren’s existence at Dinah Shore. Lauren responds with, “what about your girl?” which seems quite forward for a text, but whatever, and Kiyomi insists they’re “pretty much over.”

i got 99 problems with my personality and that girl ain’t one

It’d seem some lovecrush feelings are sparking between our pink-haired maiden and our douchebag rockstar. I bet Amanda’s gonna be really happy about this for Lauren, in order to inspire Lauren to be happy about Amanda’s reunion with her girlfriend, like Amanda wanted. Or…

Or not!

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Back at the Los Angeles Lovely International Airport, Somer and Donna arrive at the Los Angeles Lovely International Airport and ring Hunter Valentine to discuss transportation arrangements, which is precisely as exciting and unmemorable as it sounds.

this is somer asking if it’s okay if she rides out with her friends like way later tonight, since they left without her anyhow

+

this is hunter valentine telling somer that soundcheck is at 7 AM the next morning and so coming out later tonight instead of right now is not an option even though soundcheck is not until 8:30

+

these are windmills, they’re usually on time

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At last, we arrive at Dinah Dirty Shore for what’ll surely be an epically dramatic, life-changing and intellectual experience. I anticipate inflatable pools filled with olive oil, Taylor accepting a two gallon jug of “margarita” from a stranger, damp t-shirt contests and lots of wet nipples.

Whitney: “I always see Dinah as waiting for the floodgates to come open, you know you can just feel it and then they just open like BAAHWWWAAHHH LESBIANS RUN and then everyone just makes out.”

Thus we mosey over to The Dinah Dingbat Dating Show, hosted by Morgan, who you may recognize from her star turn as Claire in Autostraddle’s Season Two Real L Word Parody. I’m telling you, all these familiar faces in this of all places!

hellllooooo ladies

So many faces! Look it’s our Contributing Editor, Brittani, representing in her Autostraddle shirt! Perhaps you recognize her…

this is crazy

…or perhaps you recognize Sara Medd, our stylist!

seriously you guys

…or perhaps you recognize Autostraddle’s Miss March 2013, Ness!

in the yellow-framed sunglasses

Oh wow, wait a second!  Although I’ve got zero memory of attending Dinah Shore this year, photographs don’t lie so apparently I was also there, perhaps you recognize me:

it’s me!

Hm.

if this were actually true the show would be a lot more exciting

So, here’s the deal: Whitney’s hosting a Dinah Dingbat Dating Game situation at Dinah Shore, via which two unlucky ladies will win a date with Romi or with Kelsey, which’s basically like winning a date with the president of Mensa.

But Romi and Kelsey are nowhere to be found!

pam needs to feed, is the thing

Where are Kelsey and Romi?

Ah yes. Right there.

um, excuse me, i ordered a sherpa

Kelsey and Romi are at the hotel with Rose and That Other Girl Who’s Always There, trying to check in. The clerk requests a credit card for incidentals and Romi refuses, insisting that it’s all taken care of because they’re famous celebrity superstars.

i mean, ilene is always telling us that the show is a “hit.” It’s a hit, right?

Romi: “We get the hotel and we’re trying to check in and it’s really irritating that nobody knows who we are, nobody knows that we’re hosting, and they’re just holding us up and not giving us any kind of special treatment that we just arrived to host their entire weekend.”

Um. Wow, so! I’m not a Famous Celebrity Shining Star Renowned Acclaimed Superstar Celesbian Lezz like Romi Flinger, but maybe like ten times in the last two years I’ve been “put up” in a hotel by like, people who hired me to psychologically scar a room of college students or attend/hype their lesbian event or whatever, and I think the incidentals thing like sometimes happens and Romi, if I may, excuse me AHEM if I may, here’s my Expert Guide For Romi Flinger To Handle This Shit Without Causing Drama:

1. Put down your credit card for incidentals. Don’t worry — until you incur an actual incidental, you won’t be charged for any of them!

2. Before incurring any incidentals, text or call your sponsor and ask if  they’re covering incidentals and if so, what the limitations of that are (alcohol, room service, phone calls, internet,  etc) and how to handle the fact that you were just asked to put down your own card. You’ll receive one of the following responses:

a. “We’ll call the hotel and take care of it, we’re so sorry for the mix-up.”

b. “Um, I know you’re not a big drinker anymore but I’ve seen you kill a can of Diet Coke faster than I can get off to Megan Rapinoe gifs and so you’re gonna have to take care of your own damn soda-pop and international phone calls, okay? You’re not Johnny Depp.”

c. “Have them keep your card down, and after the trip, scan me a copy of the bill and we will reimburse you. Does that work?”

d. “is a frog’s ass water-tight?”

Or, you know, you could just be a stupid brat who’s already ten minutes late for The Dinah Dingbat Dating Game.

on stage, did you hear me? on stage. where people will be looking at us. because we’re famous. and important. a large, a very large stage in fact.

The clock is ticking, but back at The Dinah Dingbat Dating Game, somebody’s opened a door to a palace full of excuses to shit-talk Romi, and Whitney and Sarahara are sprinting around and around it like gay Tyson Gays.

Whitney: “I’m on time for the dating game and Romi is nowhere to be found. It’s kind of annoying, actually. And it makes us look bad. So, thank you.”

what if we just auctioned off a date with sarah croce instead

Whitney interviews that despite “drama going on,” one must maintain a sense of professionalism, ’cause clearly drama’s what’s holding Romi and Kelsey up and, sidenote, has anybody tried calling them? This isn’t the Sahara, Sarahara, reception’s crystal-clear throughout sunny Palm Springs, California.

i don’t know i guess there’s an erogenous zone there or something

Whitney: “Not one of them is here.”
Sara: “It’s ’cause they’re all together inside each other’s assholes.”
Whitney: “Pretty much.”

Back at Hotel California, where you can check in any time you want, but you can never leave your credit card; Rose loses interest in Romi’s unnecessary Diva Moment and puts her card down so they can prep their faces before their super-special gig standing on an elevated platform for an audience of 37 drunk lesbians in seasonally inappropriate hats.

my love don’t cost a thing

Back at The Dinah Dingbat Dating Game, Lauren’s entered the Dating Game to win a date with Kelsey to annoy Romi. Also, The Hunger Games comes out on DVD on August 18th and we have 17 days left to find a new apartment, and we’re gonna watch True Blood at 11 ’cause we’re watching the closing ceremonies now.

she’s late she’s late for a very important date

Tangent: I spend a lot of time writing about this show and therefore am forced to think about it, a lot, and while watching the Dinah episode I was thinking, why are these girls so dramatic about everything? Nobody is this dramatic about everything! But I realized that although their style of relationship drama is something nobody I know is willing to deal with past the age of 22, the shit between friends is actually not that out-of-the-ordinary.

it happens

I just mentally catalogued every conflict that happened with Team Autostraddle events in the very beginning when we still had enough energy to have dramatic emotions, and I realized that yeah, any of us could be a show. We have stupid squabbles and cope with passive-aggressive tension and gossip and complain about each other sometimes, it’s just that we all aim to squash the negativity as soon as possible, whereas when you’re on a reality television show, your aim is, in fact, to extend the negativity for as long as possible. This could be you. This could be any of us if any of us were willing to have our lives taped. Instead of bitching to your friend on G-Chat for five minutes, you’d be bitching to a video camera for fifteen minutes, and then it’d be an entire storyline. You know? Stories about shit-talking aren’t much better than stories about shit.

ummm… no “favorite poet”???!!!!

Anyhow, back to the “plot”! Ta-da, Romi finally arrives at the Dinah Dingbat Dating Game!

Romi: “When I walk into the dating game, Sara has this smirk on her face and they’re just kinda watching me, like you know, and I’m like why the fuck are they looking at me — because A, why are they even here? ‘Cause they’re not in the game, and second of all why are they looking at me like I’m about to be like Carrie and have blood spill on me.”

um, ’cause then this show would be like ten billion times more awesome than it is right now

It seems earlier this day/week/month/year, Romi got her period in the group showers!

unfortunately intern grace was deathly ill or something and therefore i felt guilty asking her to go back and add blood to romi’s face for this picture because also really, is this what we’re doing with our brain cells

The Dinah Dingbat Dating Game itself was unmemorable, I believe, as I’ve not remembered it. But at the game’s end, Whitney & Sara quickly scamper away to do their Statler and Waldorf thing:

Whitney: “Romi and Kelsey were shockingly rude, and they’re —”
Sara: “— full of themselves!”
Whitney: “They’re full of themselves and what happens when you are full of yourself is that you’re only by yourself, because people don’t wanna be around that, they see right through it.”
Sara: “I used to feel sorry for Kelsey but now I don’t, she’s gotta figure it out for herself that she is her own person and not let someone like that run her life, it’s sad.”

this looks like an infomercial for self-tanner

Basically, this:

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Hunter Valentine arrives at an offshore hotel with beds made out of bricks!

but baby bear’s bed was just right

Then suddenly everything goes dark, and then there’s a huge spotlight that comes out of the floor, and who should appear but Jem! and the Holograms! They play a song:

Then Jem has to go home! But Lauren calls Kiyomi and invites her to a party…

hey man also can you ask her if she brought her bong

…and Laura’s ready to rock:

and i have one, too

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Smear to somewhere else at some other time, where Team Romi’s enjoying a light dinner at a local eatery.

meeting of the minds

The topic of tonight’s dinner is Romi and how everybody’s like, obsessed with her.

i’m gonna kick your ass at softball later

Romi interviews:

Romi: “Lauren and Amanda, I’m sure that this is like, the highlight of their life, that they’re friends with Whitney and Sara, and I know these girls, I know Whitney and Sara on a level they will never know them on. I’ve known them when they had nothing. I’ve known them when they were nothing. It’s hurt when I invested that much time in to people who have like, no heart.”

Listen, you wanna talk about Whitney and Sara? Romi knew Whitney and Sara before you knew Whitney and Sara. She knew them Before Christ, she knew them Before Sunrise, Before Sunset and Before Night Falls. She knew them in the motherfucking Land Before Time! Romi knew Whitney and Sara the night Before Christmas, in the calm Before the Storm and Before the Devil Knew You Were Dead. Whatever the fuck it is you think you know about, Romi knew first.

never not relevant

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Riese

Riese is the 41-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3183 articles for us.

116 Comments

  1. That Laneia gif is the cutest thing ever.
    Also Bridgette Mcmanus as a panda. Hilarious.
    What happened to her?
    Wouldn’t that be funny if she read this???

  2. I used to be friends with Amanda on FB long before she ever was on the show (I added lots of lesbians whether I knew them or not – not just her). She deleted me (I have no idea if it was recent or not). I’m really glad. She’s fucking annoying.

    • Just out of curiosity, but why did you go through and add a whole lot of lesbians you didn’t know? I’ve been requested a number of times by lesbians i’ve never met, and my friends also will get a request from them. I feel uncomfortable letting people I don’t know view my profile, lesbian or not. I am just curious about why you (and many other people) do it? – please don’t take this as an attack or anything, I am genuinely interested.

      • Yeah, I don’t understand it either. I get really creeped out, but if I see we have mutual friends I’m like ‘well okay maybe we’ve met or something.’ And then we never interact and I delete them.

        But basically what this says to me is ‘I added a stranger who was really irritating, GLAD SHE’S OUT OF MY LIFE NOW.’ But why was she there in the first place and why do you care enough to stick around when she’s ‘fucking annoying’?

        • i did this when i first came out, back when you could search profiles by sexuality (maybe you still can, idk). this was before any popular gay sites were around though. i think i was trying to find any kind of tie to someone like me, however small. it’d kind of be like going out to a gay bar alone but just not talking to anyone. you’re just looking for contact.

      • Because I worked with/am an events planner and added lots of people so I could invite them to events we threw. Considering Amanda had over 3000 ‘friends” at that time, it wasn’t like I was adding someone who was super private and closed to strangers adding them. I will admit our events were aimed at straight people primarily so I added lesbians hoping some cuties might show up as well. Can’t blame a girl for wanting some eye candy of her own at hetero events, right?

  3. I’m glad you acknowledged the windmills. For some reason they felt the need to use a 15 second filler clip of windmills casually spinning to the beat of music. Better than showing Lauren woofing I guess.

    • I was there to support Morgan…she’d been very vague on the details of this event. Soon after I realized what was actually happening (which obvs took a little longer for umm…reasons), I left. I didn’t actually turn in the little dating form as finding someone to date at Dinah is the exact opposite of the point. However, I doubt very seriously that I would have answered the questions in a manner pleasing to Romi. But FTR I probably would have attempted to gift the date to Julie and Brandy.

  4. Woah! Play by play is awesome! Next time just make it a series of gifs! – I won’t need to subscribe to cable~~~~~~~~~ :)

  5. Holy sh*t Batman! This recap was so dead on. I only watch this show because I like your recaps. I am REALLY REALLY looking forward to next weeks recap because Romi looked and sounded like Jamie Kennedy in his role from Malibu’s Most Wanted. That part when she’s talking to Saw-duh or Sarah or Sarahara or whatever the hell her name is… can not wait for the recap of that. I hope you compare her to Eminem or something. Love the recaps :)

  6. All I learned from this is that if Vero goes to A-Camp, she’d be Rubyfruit. I didn’t just make this up, you guys, she’s wearing the bandana. Look at the bandana, loo-kah-it!

  7. Am I not the only one remembering last year’s episode of Dinah where it was actually SARA and ROMI who hooked up in the pool and Whitney getting all upset and gay about it? Please someone confirm or i will have to go dig that up!

    • that’s what I was thinking! Sara is super upset cause Witney and Romi did hook up (and she’s just blaming Romi), but hello? has she forgotten they kissed too?

    • Sara and romi kissing was in 2010… Romi kissing whitney in front of sara was in 2011 when they were supposed to be bff….

  8. Like.. I cannot like.. listen to like.. Lauren, like.. she says ‘like’, like.. every other word, like.. which I find like.. very like.. annoying

    • My question is, do they ever take it off? CVS/Riteaid/Walgreens/every other like minded place must be making millions off all the makeup remover they must go through.

      • Judging by the screencaps of Romi, she’s just been adding another layer on top before each show.

  9. What is up with Romi’s makeup?
    At first I thought that it was just a few episodes of overdoing it a little bit on the bronzer, blush, eyeshadow, eyebrow pencil, oh wait EVERYTHING.
    She just consistently looks like she’s wearing a mask. So instead of finding her attractive, I find her terrifying. (Her personality doesn’t help.)

    • I think the same thing every time I look at Sara. Way to much make up on both of them. I understand the whole hair stylist/fashion thing, but it’s overkill.

    • i thought it was an “on screen” look but they wear that much off screen, too. it’s obnoxious.

  10. I think the only amusing thing about this episode (as recapped, I didn’t watch this shit) seems to be the Kacy/Cori baby comment. And maybe Laura’s shirt.

    Also thank you for confirming halfway through the first page that I’d rather look at gifs of Laneia being adorable than ever, ever watch this show again.

    Also Romi stop looking/acting exactly like my ex.

  11. I haven’t even read the recap yet but oh em gee the bitchiness. By the time the episode was over I was so annoyed! Like, the most annoyed TRLW has ever made me, which is a lot.

    Ok reading time now.

  12. Just when I think Romi can’t get any worse…well she does. I don’t even like it when a ‘real’ celebrity pulls the “Don’t you know who I am?!” let alone some reality star whose claim to fame is getting banged by a strap-on and being a ‘lesbian’ in a relationship with a man. I don’t even mind all the shit talking because I just can’t stand her. I haven’t liked her since season 1 and this season only solidifies my utter disdain for her.

    Other than that, what a boring episode. What a boring season. Riese you’re doing a great job of cracking me during these recaps. I don’t know how you do it. I’d have to drink heavily before the episode, during, and after as I am trying to forget.

  13. Riese these recaps make me simultaneously want to watch the show and hate the show. WHAT DO I DO, HELP A POOR AUSTRALIAN LAW STUDENT OUT. So confused.

  14. Riese

    I love your recaps. It makes me realize that certain people don’t belong on the show. While I do agree that it is a trainwreck and there is an audience for trainwreck type of shows. It is too much.

    I may not hate Romi right now but she is still messed up in the head. She’s bi polar. I truly believe that she shouldn’t be on a reality tv show. She should be fading away quietly and getting her life together. While I’m glad she’s still sober. I just feel in my heart that she’s really not there in her right mind. Looking at Romi on the screen is looking at a brick wall.

    I really felt sorry for Cori and Kacy because they lost their baby. I felt bad for them. I am very happy for Whitney and Sara. I really don’t care for Hunter Valentine. Their music stinks. That’s it.

  15. you guys that band doesn’t even have a trailer on their van i don’t think and they can’t afford to fix a keyboard that apparently only had a small wiring issue and kiyomi GOT HER OWN ROOM during a major event where the hotels were probably all blocked off and booked months in advance?

    YOU GUYS
    i hate it when this show inspires surprise, like why am i still surprised
    why am i still watching
    i’m going back to teen mom

    • vero is the goddamned batman

      i love her so much and much as i wish she was on the screen more, i feel like this show kind of destroys everything it touches a la what my ex told me when we broke up, so i’m glad they’re leaving her alone

    • RIGHT?!

      p.s. mutiny is a thing this band should get down with REAL fast and boot out Kiyomi because she’s kind of the worst.

  16. i’m only one paragraph in and i’ve already laughed. “Amanda, who has recently dipped her head into a vat of cake batter and then fallen asleep in a walk-in refrigerator.” genius, riese.

    • That’s when I cracked up, too. And continued to do so– no worries about this not being a funny recap, Riese. Thanks for recapping a show that l (like practically everyone else) have never watched.

  17. Oh! Oh! Also? I hope if lesbians learn anything from this show, it’s that being a celesbian doesn’t pay. (Unless you’re Kiyomi, apparently. Is it just me or did that driver guy fetch them from the airport AND take them to a party at night? And if I wasn’t hallucinating and the driver was assigned to them, why didn’t he just go and fetch motherfucking awesome Donna-Somer, too?!)

  18. As a former hotel front desk agent I cannot tell you how annoying I get when I see people refuse to leave their card for incidentals and just stand there going all “do you know who I am?”
    Yes, I know who you are. You’re someone who hasn’t read the contract that states that only room and tax are paid by the organization and incidentals (mini bar, PPV movies, room service…) are covered by the guest themselves! Just put your damn card down and stay away from the mini-bar, if you don’t wanna pay for it

    • when we arrived at dinah in 2011, also as comp’ed sponsors and some hosts (julie/brandy), we’d actually been put in the wrong hotel rooms, like our group was split up between two different hotels which isn’t what we’d expected or requested, but it was the first day of dinah, so when we asked our then-business-coordinator-person if she could track down the people in charge and fix it, she was basically like DEAL WITH IT because there’s no way that those ladies had time to deal with us wishing our rooms were closer together on the first day of dinah with so much shit going on! whomever got the phone calls about romi’s imaginary problem was probably really thrilled about it. also i was surprised that she had incidentals covered allegedly in the first place. internet i understand, but like, really?

      • Me too! I thought it was so odd that the incidentals were covered…
        I mean, what company would be crazy enough to accept to pay for mini-bar, room-service, pay-per-view movies and spa services at the Dinah? I mean, it’s the Dinah! an event known for Inciting excessive behavior

  19. So, many times have I wondered why Whitney’s friends were so unanimously “Boo Sara” (as much as I wonder about shit on this show and since I watch it, pretty much any answer is too much.) I believe the answer now to be “Asshole chemistry.” Because sometimes a dick is just like a dick tuning fork that brings out the dickery in others, no?

    (If that analogy was unclear, I just called Sara a dick.)

    As much as I dislike Lauren, I had to feel bad for her when Kiyomi first tells her things are over with Ali and then jokes about being in trouble when she gets home and there is pink hair in the suitcase. I have been in that exact conversation and it fucking sucks. Kiyomi is so unlikable that being on the show=probably not good for her band. Which is also not that good.

  20. Am I crazy or is that Rachel (as in House of Whitney’s exes Rachel) in a bunch of those Dinah pictures? No lower third? Is the Sara=scabies comment all we’re going to get from her this season, if so I am disappointed.

  21. the celesbipandas were the funniest/scariest thing. and i think that maybe kiyomi and ali should not be allowed to adopt cats.
    peta would be all over this episode, for reals.

  22. Riece,

    I love your recaps! In fact I just watched this episode to better understand the recap. All I can say is wow. This show is a train wreck and your recaps are the only good thing coming out of it. Having not watched any of TRLW epsisodes before, I feel no attachment to any of the characters, except Kacy and Cori. They’re adorable and deserve a box full o babies. Keep on keepin on!

  23. LOL @ the ebay shit… that reminded me of the people who “find Jesus” on their toast, then try to sell it on ebay for a bajillion dollars. You could potentially stretch that whole “revolving door” theme/meme into a piece of toast. Then add that whole WWJD/WWWD/WWRD (What would Whitney do?/What would Romi do?) et cetera into those trendy rubber bracelets full of “introspective” sayings and voila! *ding* fries are done! ROTFLCOPTERANDSHIT!

    http://i50.tinypic.com/9an5ax.jpg

    • Oooooh! You can even go “Sir-Mix-a-lot”/”Lady-Mix-tHER-lot” on this shit… “Do I like big butts?” I’m not gonna lie. ((( (___)___) )))

      I dies.

  24. Sometimes, you’re stuck in h&m for over an hour and then you see RIESE’S RECAP OMG and then you settle down next to a mannequin and giggle to yourself and gain perspective

  25. “Don’t you know who I am??” – Who does she think she is?? Madonna?? I bet the receptionist was like… “Errr no I don’t, you can’t even put a freaking card..Which also might be because you don’t have ANY. Celesbian my butt!”

    I’m embarrassed watching people who are embarrassing but don’t know that they are embarrassing. For example, Kiyomi. She’s a 30yr old talking about a girl she met ONCE, like a tween pop star being in love for the first time.

    A “playa” who says cheesy lines like “I could stare into your eyes for 10 years….” Oh no no no…..

    Throughout the night I would imagine Kiyomi would have uttered this lines too….

    -I must be a snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you.
    – If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
    -Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I’ve been touched by an angel?
    -I must be dancing with the devil, because you’re hot as hell.
    -What is the name of your perfume? “Catch of the Day?
    -If you were a laser, you’d be set on “stunning”.
    -Are you religious? Cause you are the answers to all my prayers.
    -Are you lost ma’am? Because heaven is a long way from here.
    -You remind me of a magnet, because you sure are attracting me over here!
    -Do you bleach your teeth? ‘Cause your smile lights up the entire room like a candle in the dark. Let’s go prove it.

    Ok I’m done now.

      • I know, I love them. I used to memorize them and blurt them out randomly to make my friends laugh. Delivering these lines without laughing was hard work. I would even leave little notes of cheesy pick up lines.

        Of course, it never should be taken seriously. I would totally respond to anyone who uses them on me to make me laugh and KNOW it’s cheesy. I also would definitely win any cheesy pickup lines smackdown.

      • hey girl, is your dad a dealer? cause youre dope to me > all other lines

        also, also, also, all i can think about during hunter valentine scenes is that i wish somer and donna were in a donna summer cover band

        • Swoon. Cheesy pick-up lines make me swoon. Mostly because if a girl is willing/able to make an ass of herself to make me laugh, I feel All The Happy Feelings.

  26. romi is embarrassing. I met her at an event and she was so busy there being a “celesbian”, she was on her phone all night in the corner. alone. and was obviously super irritated if anyone asked her to take a picture. I don’t even think she knew why she was there. some celesbian.

  27. Romi, you’re not hosting the White House Correspondents’ dinner. Rose, you’re not on the show anymore. IT’S OVER. Seriously, I think she’s waiting for Romi to propose or something. How ridiculous was this whole celesbian thing? It was hilarious/infuriating when Romi said how annoyed she was that no one knew who they were. Nope, can’t say I’m surprised that the overworked concierge with kids to feed and a migraine is up to date on his bleeping celesbians.
    I feel like Amanda and Chaiken got together beforehand and schemed to make Lauren look like this crazy jealous person but it’s evident that Lauren’s just dealing with a shady friend. Also, what’s with Amanda’s hoodies? Pair her clothing choices with the bleach blonde hair and bam it’s the days of 8 mile all over again.
    I’m still team Whitney and Sara this season. I like how when they interview they occasionally differ on their views and they aren’t just some blob of a couple.
    IDK, they’re a bunch of cracker jacks.

  28. Riese, I’m pretty sure your Real L Word Recaps are my most favorite thing I’ve read on the internet, ever. I’m sure you know this, but your work really doesn’t go unappreciated :)

  29. I can’t believe I missed the Whitney Mixter supercut when it was first posted! Thanks for reposting it here, Riese! I demand a Whitney Mixter “I’m not gonna lie…”-supercut, next. Or a Romi “Babe!”-supercut.

  30. I have spent the last three episodes trying to figure out who is more unreasonable/unlikeable, Amanda or Lauren. I change my mind repeatedly throughout each episode. I think Amanda won this episode though.

    Also, anyone else find it hilarious that on the last episode Lauren made a comment about Hunter Valentine being a really terrible band and now she is swooning over Kiyomi?

      • Oh, whoops! I totally thought it was Lauren. She seems snarkier (is that a word?) so I guess it made more sense to me for her to say it when I was thinking back on the episode.

        • idk i think laurens actually a genuine person and they just make her look like a crazy jealous person, i think shed be pretty chill to hang with

          amanda on the other hand is the one that comes off as sheisty lying to lauren and whatnot, like in the episode where she went MIA for like 4 hours and when she told lauren that she wasnt with her gf anymore when she had just moved to L.A but they were actually still together

    • So it’s not just me that keeps mixing them up? For some reason Lauren looks more like an Amanda and Amanda looks more like a Lauren, whatever that means, point is, I constantly have to remind myself of who is who.
      And I think Riese does too? Was that an “Amanda leaves Kyomi’s room” up there?
      Let’s just call them Lamanda all the time and move on.

      Also, Riese – love these recaps

  31. I’m sure this has all been covered, but I guess I’ll recap the recaps for myself or something stupid.
    Recaps are killer. I laugh very hard every week.
    Romi: ‘I need someone to love me as much as I love me’
    Romi: Sweet Jesus, you do not have to wear every shade of every kind of makeup on your face at one time.
    Cori and Kacy: I did cry very much also, but these two are the only ones that I would love to have dinner and drinks with. The verbatim Kacy comment had me laughing the night of the train wreck, and I’m glad it was mentioned.
    Whitney and Sara: such a snooze, but they both seemed like such destructo forces, that I am ok with the new version dubbed as the snarky peanut gallery, but better cause Muppets.
    The makeup: It was pretty neat, and stunning, but yep, I’m on the ‘they need baths’ bandwagon now. Daytime, nighttime, all the time??
    OK, has no one noticed the resemblance of Kiyomi to Fairuza Balk? Even more like her in The Craft when she goes psycho she looks SO much like her when she fights with Ali or Somer.
    Apparently spellcheck fucking hates the names on this show.
    Thanks for the laughs. I’ll be back to read more, and if I didn’t want to punch my TV I’d try the Glee recaps, but ….

  32. As a born and bred LA lesbian I can tell you the “celesiban” thing is getting ridiculous. My favorite hang out spot now has Sara as a weekly dancer and I’m always amazed…scratch that, saddened by the lesbians fawning all over her. Anything to stretch the 15 mins of fame though and make a buck I suppose.

    I miss Bette & Tina. Thankfully I have Pretty Little Liars, phew.

  33. If IFC’s gunning for a showdown between the “negative people” and “certain people”, can we at least give them fun uniforms and mascots?

  34. Man, Im trying to figure out if I can like any of their behaviour, Its ultra depressing folks. On that note THANK GOD for Kaci and Cori, its almost sacreligious to make fun of them

  35. SARA does the way she pronounces her name not bother anyone else?? REALLY? Even of that’s the way it was intended…it’s wrong.
    Why in god’s earth do I find Whitney so attractive?
    Romi’s batshit crazy and that’s gotta be for tv right? I mean, people can’t really be that crazy…
    Kelsey’s hot.
    Kaci and Cori are so cute it makes me wanna give my gf dirty looks while she sleeps.

    This show is ridiculousness…

  36. Riese, I just want you to know that this recap is the ONLY thing that got me through work on Monday. Also, the slow load time on my smart phone has made me resolve to donate 100 dollas more to you guys.

  37. This show is making the whole ‘It gets better’ campaign going to waste!
    Cause basically the idea of the campaign is that after high school, you won’t be bully anymore, you won’t feel attacked anymore, you wont be judged anymore so hanging there kids, wait for high school to pass! But that was before the Real L Word time, cause now, according to IFC editing room, long after high school in the lesbian world, you will get all that bully shit back!
    Just when you though you were done with it and that it was really getting better.. The Real L Word is high school all over again in your face.. but this time, bullies are lesbians.
    This show is making me sad, I feel so so depressed each time I watch it, I couldn’t say thank enough to Riese AND the whole AS community to make fun about it and showing me this is anything BUT the Real lesbian world.

    • Truth is though, there is a lot of bullying within the community. Femme invisibility, ex rivalry, cliquey bars, catty girls, aggressive, competitive girls…

      • Is it really the truth? I have never ever noticed that.. Maybe I am just lucky! I thought it was just a ‘Dramatic editing’, kind of alternative reality. Everyone seems so immature and self-centered in this show, it has to be an editing direction, it can not be real life. Anyway, it just doesn’t make me want to go anywhere near the Cali scene.

        • Ok well that’s not all there is within the community, there are also lots of accepting, open, interesting, creative, fun people, but i guess it’s just a different kind of bullying.

          I think the show makes things look way worse than they really are. At least I sure hope it does…

  38. ALSO. I love the random descriptions you give of the show in the beginning of every recap. A lot!

  39. I never comment, though I read the recaps religiously and do enjoy them for the satirical content.

    I feel encouraged to comment because unlike many of you I actually like the show, the truth is that there are people like them in the real world, sure things are exaggerated for tv value and the bitchyness factor is seriously overdone, I appreciate it for what it is. A REALITY show. Not dateline, not an investigative report into the inner workings of lesbian life, its entertainment. The constant, “this show is horrible”, “whats wrong with me for watching” etc is seriously overdone.

    If you find yourself saying this, consider that maybe you do like watching it and enjoy laughing at their expense at the constant redic circumstances of the show.

    Some additional points:

    1) The recaps are FUNNY, and I think are meant to be FUNNY and light. I hear the complaints about the it being the only representation, but how about some positivity people. People with “fringe” jobs exist and are gay and happy and productive. Sure they have silly banter and crazy sub plots but seriously the emotional investment in these peoples lives is cray.

    2) I actually like that they are showing a committed lesbian relationship that isnt the norm, as crazy as Sara and Whitney are, they seem happy and in love, I would like to see some celebration of the fact that Whitney hung up her pimp card and is actually committing.

    3) Sara’s name is pronounced correctly by her, I understand many of you dont have a unique understanding of ethnic pronunciations but Sara in spanish for example is pronounced just like she does. So i dont get all the making fun of her name, she is first generation American and has been called that her whole life im sure.

    4) I like Kiyomi and Im not afraid to say it. I think she is following her dream and though I am not a fan of her music, I see the value in pursuing your dreams. As for her being a bad gf etc, I again say its one portrayal of a very hurt young woman who values the companionship of someone but maybe at the same time is having a hard time commiting to the reality of her situation. Again not right but Ali isnt a victim here, she is doing her own thing too. I think they both need a break from all the hate. I dont get the sense that Ali is sitting at home knitting while Kiyomi is out and about.

    I would just like to see some understanding of the human spirit in these comments. Where is the upholding of the “community” when all we do is trash the one representation we currently have.

    And finally… Celebsian…As much as that terms sounds silly, people flock to these events they host. Especially here in NY, any event Whitney, Rose or Romi have hosted have been well attended even with steep covers. If we want to help shape the community I personally would like to hear some of the good that comes out of this program. Not all lesbians want to have babies. Some like to party, drink, hang out, dream not just sit at home and nest.

    • Then you don’t call it The Real L Word, you call it ‘The Party Trash Side of The L Word’.
      I understand your comments and yes it is nice indeed to have, at least, one representation of the lesbian community, just too bad it is that side of it. It is very bad image of lesbians and I don’t think a lesbian in the middle of a small town can relate to it at all. This show is nothing else than a manipulative trash money maker show full of sex to attract male audience. I don’t see why I should be happy and supportive about it.

  40. Watching TV is hard. It involves eye and ear focus and sticking to one room of the house. However, I do make attempts at watching The Real L Word…in four 15 minute segments. Sometimes I will give myself a task. For episode 5 it was counting how many times the word ‘Like’ was used. In the first 15 minutes I counted 39 out of context, 3 in. Offenders, in order from most uses to least, are the Girl that Sneers a lot. Her Bestie, Pink Post 2003. Self Appointed Celesbian. The Micro Machines Lady (Whydoesshetalksofast?) and the Master of 1 Facial Expression. I think it’s disgust, it looks like disgust. Did I use that word correct?

  41. I just got back from spending the last 5 days in the Midwest eating cheese curds fried in beer and drinking more beer and having beer influenced lady cuddles. Like, I feel like if you’re avoiding drama maybe do that instead of going to Dinah, Romi.

  42. This was my least favorite episode, because nothing happened except for petty stupid bullshit, but it has been my favorite recap so far.

    Still confused by why everyone hates Romi though. I mean other than acting like a diva about the hotel room, she handled the drama the most maturely out of everyone.

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