Real L Word 305 Recap: I Wasn’t Expecting This To Be So Bitchy

Hello and welcome to the fifth recap of the third season of The Real L Word, a half-hour family sitcom about a teenage witch who, on her 16th birthday, learns that she has magical powers. Along with her 500-year-old European witch-aunts and her sardonic talking cat, Salem, Sabrina works to master the ancient arts of witchery while keeping her identity a secret and tackling teenage issues like learning how to drive, picking a college, earning your witch’s license and opening a jar of spaghetti sauce.

L to R: Laura, Sara, Slab of Man, Slab of Man #2, Whitney, Romi, Amanda, Slab of Man #3

This week on The Real L Word, we all journeyed to the world famous Dinah Shore Weekend in Palm Springs, California, which’s basically a Star Trek Convention but with lesbians.

Sometimes after writing a recap, I’m like, “this shit is fucking hilarious,” but throughout the entire process of writing this recap, I’ve felt like this shit is not remotely funny, I hope next week is more inspiring. I’m sorry I hope you still LOL at least once.  Here’s the thing: nothing’s happening, so everybody’s plotline is just people talking shit about other people. When I read over what I’ve written, I feel like I sound just as petty and bitchy as the show itself. It’s fun to make fun of people acting crazy or weird, but it’s difficult to make fun of people acting bitchy. Does that make sense? THIS IS HARD.

Oh also, to all the people who keep asking why I recap something if I hate it, the answer is that it makes people laugh and feel happy, and I feel like the natural human instinct when you’re told something you do makes people happy, is to do it. Right? If you’re able to. I think that’s what we’re all here to do. Also, it’s the traffic, stupid! It can be a pure motive. We do some things so that we can do some other things. Seriously I’ve recapped four seasons of The L Word, two seasons of Glee and three seasons of The Real L Word and one episode of Two and a Half Men — if I had a dollar for every time somebody asked me why I recap a show I hate, I could gather enough dollars to smash together a big dollar ball of dollars, and throw it at your head! I’ve also recapped good shows, like Pretty Little Liars and Skins, that’s a whole different ballgame. Anyhow enough about me, there are all of these slightly more interesting people ready to tell you Their Stories!

Also we made a video, it’s a Whitney Mixter Self-Inquiry Supercut, and it’s kinda amazing.


We open in Silly Los Angeles, California, where Lauren is sitting at the table with a camera crew when Amanda, who has recently dipped her head into a vat of cake batter and then fallen asleep in a walk-in refrigerator, shows up at the thwarted homezone to break some unexpected news to Lauren — she’s getting back together with her ex-girlfriend and possibly re-re-locating to New York City.

1. what happened to your hair, 2. what happened to your shirt

Lauren: “I would hope that like, if you’re gonna move back, that you would give me like, advance notice so I can find another roommate and stuff.”
Amanda: [in an “oh, jeez” voice] “Woof…”

stop trying to make “woof” happen

Lauren: “What?”
Amanda: “I don’t know, that’s just like so extreme.”

You think that’s extreme, just wait ’til she dares to request that Amanda clean her room before moving out!

look the two of us together is just too much edgy hair for one relationship

Lauren presses for more details, Amanda responds with abstractions and Jesus Christ on a Cracker I always feel like we’re missing a big piece of the Lamanda story! Anyhow, Lauren wants to know when Amanda would potentially move out. Amanda’s not sure:

for example; when does filming for this show end?

Amanda interviews that she’s disappointed that Lauren isn’t throwing a Relationship Reunion Pretty Party for her and her ex-girlfriend.

Amanda: “It’s like she’s jealous or something.”

Lauren notes that Amanda lies a lot, and then Amanda’s hair catches on fire and the whole entire house burns down. Just kidding! I was confusing this show with a house fire.


Back in Lovely Long Beach, California, Kelsey and Romi are fudgepacking their clamsacks in preparation for their very first Dinah Shore together as a couple!

and sara’s dead body is enormous!

It’ll also be their first sober Dinah, a fate I wouldn’t wish upon Maggie Gallagher, as I personally failed to find a way to tolerate Dinah without ingesting at least three drugs and two drinks every 45 minutes. That was our first trip to Dinah. On our second trip to Dinah, I didn’t do drugs or have two drinks every 45 minutes, but shit got real.

Romi: “Dinah Shore is the weekend that all the lesbians from all over the world fly in to party and it does feel a little bit like high school spring break…. it’s really just a place for people to get wasted and fuck each other. Like people break up with their girlfriends just to go to Dinah and fuck other people, and then get back from Dinah Shore and get back with their girlfriend.”

but me and kelsey prefer to stay home at the farm, milking cows and/or each other

Romi The Sober Grownup explains that she’s attending Dinah Shore for work, because she is Famous and Important:

Romi: “I was invited to host and attend events as a celesbian. A celesbian is a lesbian that’s a celebrity, and they’re very rare. There’s not a whole lot of us. So, I have work to do.”



She’s right, celesbians are very exotic and rare, like Leatherback Sea Turtles and Chinese Alligators.

save these endangered species

Romi suggests they try this weekeend to “have fun and like, stay out of as much drama as possible,” ’cause Romi has this routine where every time she goes anywhere, ever, she must first announce her intention to avoid drama and relay her conviction that such avoidance is indeed possible.

as opposed to what we usually do, which is to start a lot of drama and attempt to remain as miserable as possible


Romi: “We’re sticking together all weekend if you leave me out there alone for the wolves to get me I will fucking murder you.”


baby they’re just a bunch of wolves on V, you can totally fix that with your glowy faerie thing

Romi interviews that she prays her rascally alkie ex-besties can avoid over-imbibing at Margaritaville and subsequently attacking Romi, ’cause it’s challenging to avoid drive-by attacks when the entire world revolves around you, you know? It’s like you’re everywhere!

Kelsey: “I’m trying to be respectful of Romi and I want to make her happy and if she doesn’t want me around certain people, then I’m not gonna be around certain people. Romi is usually right about certain people, so.”

Whatever you think about these two, Kelsey thinks Romi is the bee’s knees, that much is clear, and it’s kinda adorable.

like she totally called it about that kony guy


Elsewhere in the Los Angeles metro area, Kacy and Cori are meeting up with the newly engayged Whitney & Sarahara to discuss Dinah Shore Weekend, which Kacy and Cori are unfortunately planning to attend, escaping their Emily Dickinson lifestyle for something more up Emily Fitch’s alley.

Whitney and Sarahara (who is operating a secret refugee ladder for oppressed termites via the extension cords dangling from each of her tender ears) say they hope KayCor are planning to attend the demented pool party from hell, especially the Dinah Dingbat Dating Game they’ll be hosting.

Whitney: “People are competing to win dates with [Romi and Kelsey.] I don’t know why…”
Sara: [FACE]

blow job face

Kori: “Are you not talking to Romi anymore?”
Whitney: “No, we have abandoned negative people in our lives, Romi is one of them. She has done shady things —”
Sara: “Even last time and what happened was, we were supposed to be friends at that time and me and Whitney had gotten in a fight but she knew how much I loved Whitney even if we weren’t like perfect, you know? And she made out with her at the pool and then looked at me like — if she could toss me off a cliff and nobody would know about it, she would.”

Although I’d assumed Kacy and Cori’s facial expressions reflected their immersion in this abyss of bratty boredom, it turns out their tentative exhaustion/disapproval is actually a reflection of their affection for Romi Klinger.

next time let’s just get takeout

Cori: “It’s hard to hear because I love Romi so much. She’s become an actual friend through all of this and she’s constantly checking in with us to see how we’re doing and she’s a great person and to hear anyone talk poorly of anyone I really care about is hard, and I really want to stay neutral — and just they have their own stuff —  but it’s hard because I want to defend her and be like, you’re wrong.”

Kacy and Cori don’t wanna be in the middle of all this, so you know. SCENE.


Back in the deepest depths of depravity vis a vis Brooklyn, Kiyomi and Ali are — surprise — fighting!

where does the kinda-good go?

Apparently Ali did the horizontal mambo with another lady whilst Kiyomi was playing sweet music for the little children of Texas and Ali lied to Kiyomi about where she met said lady, which’s what Kiyomi is latching onto to have an excuse to be pissed at Ali ’cause Kiyomi is “always honest” which’s really, really, really really not true at all, but whatever, I hate both of these people and hope they claw each other’s eyes out and then move to Newark.

Kiyomi: “I don’t care if you fucking fisted a cat, just tell me the truth, and then I don’t care, do you understand? That’s all I care about.”
Ali: “You’re being so aggressive right now because you’re gonna leave again and you wanna be able to do what you want.”

the cat, on the other hand, would care quite a bit

Ali fights with Kiyomi about how they fight too much, and Kiyomi interviews that her inability to commit is due to a recent breakup with a girlfriend-of-two-years who she was totes in love with and was about to move in with who moved to San Francisco for a new job while Kiyomi was on tour without telling Kiyomi.

Kiyomi: “I don’t wanna do that again, I don’t wanna give myself to someone completely to have them just rip me apart and destroy me.”

They yell at each other’s faces for a bit and Kiyomi finishes packing her stuff and it seems like maybe this thing is over. This terrible not-relationship thing. Kiyomi leaves her keys on Ali’s laptop and heads out.


Cut to the next morning in Brooklyn, where Somer and Donna are scrambling to pack and get to the airport before their flight leaves in an hour. In other words, Somer and Donna are scrambling to pack and get to the airport despite the fact that they are definitely gonna miss their flight.

ok you have the spare parts harness and i have the rodeo so i think we’re good to go

Donna: “We’ve gotta rush. There’s still a chance.”

Mhm, that’s what I used to tell myself on the subway at 5:55 when I’d just passed Lorimer and had to be in Midtown by 6. “I’m not late… YET.”


Back in Shifty Los Angeles, California, Whitney and Sara are also packing!

try before you buy

For Sara, “packing” involves scampering around in a thong and see-through bra while Whitney interviews about hanging up her Dinah hoe hat. Look out for that shit on ebay!


Hunter Valentine arrives at the Luxurious Los Angeles International Airport — but Somer is nowhere to be found! This’d be a HUGE deal if they had a show tonight or if the bandleader was an obnoxious asshole and unfortunately the latter is in fact the case. Kiyomi interviews that she’s disappointed that they’ve been “given such a great opportunity” but “can’t be professional about it” which’d make sense if the “opportunity” was “getting a ride to Dinah right now” instead of what it actually is, which’s “playing a show tomorrow afternoon, at which Somer will absolutely be present.” So like none of this even makes sense! They should hire a monkey for the cast. Just to scamper around. Or maybe a talking horse?

wait dude is that an auntie annie’s because if so can you hold up a sec while i go get a cinnamon situation

Laura: “I think we should just leave.”
Kiyomi: “And not wait for Somer?”
Laura: “Nope.”
Vero: “We’re just gonna leave her?”
Kiyomi: “Yup. I’m outta here.”

Kiyomi’s one of those people who looks for reasons to get upset. Like she’s already upset, all the time, so she just wanders the universe with her orb of anger, looking for excuses to share it with the world.

Kiyomi: “I just think it’s one more thing on the scorecard for Somer.”
Vero: “You know what guys, could we not make it a big issue, I swear. ‘Cause I cannot make it a big issue, like the whole keyboard thing on tour.”

just smile pretty and watch your back, vero

Vero interviews:

Vero: “I feel bad that Donna and Somer are not gonna get a ride to Dinah Shore with us, but it’s Kiyomi’s band and she calls the shots.”

I wanna be in Vero’s band where Vero calls the shots! It could be called Hey Vero.


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Riese is the 41-year-old Co-Founder of as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3223 articles for us.


  1. That Laneia gif is the cutest thing ever.
    Also Bridgette Mcmanus as a panda. Hilarious.
    What happened to her?
    Wouldn’t that be funny if she read this???

  2. I used to be friends with Amanda on FB long before she ever was on the show (I added lots of lesbians whether I knew them or not – not just her). She deleted me (I have no idea if it was recent or not). I’m really glad. She’s fucking annoying.

    • Just out of curiosity, but why did you go through and add a whole lot of lesbians you didn’t know? I’ve been requested a number of times by lesbians i’ve never met, and my friends also will get a request from them. I feel uncomfortable letting people I don’t know view my profile, lesbian or not. I am just curious about why you (and many other people) do it? – please don’t take this as an attack or anything, I am genuinely interested.

      • Yeah, I don’t understand it either. I get really creeped out, but if I see we have mutual friends I’m like ‘well okay maybe we’ve met or something.’ And then we never interact and I delete them.

        But basically what this says to me is ‘I added a stranger who was really irritating, GLAD SHE’S OUT OF MY LIFE NOW.’ But why was she there in the first place and why do you care enough to stick around when she’s ‘fucking annoying’?

        • i did this when i first came out, back when you could search profiles by sexuality (maybe you still can, idk). this was before any popular gay sites were around though. i think i was trying to find any kind of tie to someone like me, however small. it’d kind of be like going out to a gay bar alone but just not talking to anyone. you’re just looking for contact.

      • Because I worked with/am an events planner and added lots of people so I could invite them to events we threw. Considering Amanda had over 3000 ‘friends” at that time, it wasn’t like I was adding someone who was super private and closed to strangers adding them. I will admit our events were aimed at straight people primarily so I added lesbians hoping some cuties might show up as well. Can’t blame a girl for wanting some eye candy of her own at hetero events, right?

  3. I’m glad you acknowledged the windmills. For some reason they felt the need to use a 15 second filler clip of windmills casually spinning to the beat of music. Better than showing Lauren woofing I guess.

    • I was there to support Morgan…she’d been very vague on the details of this event. Soon after I realized what was actually happening (which obvs took a little longer for umm…reasons), I left. I didn’t actually turn in the little dating form as finding someone to date at Dinah is the exact opposite of the point. However, I doubt very seriously that I would have answered the questions in a manner pleasing to Romi. But FTR I probably would have attempted to gift the date to Julie and Brandy.

  4. Woah! Play by play is awesome! Next time just make it a series of gifs! – I won’t need to subscribe to cable~~~~~~~~~ :)

  5. Holy sh*t Batman! This recap was so dead on. I only watch this show because I like your recaps. I am REALLY REALLY looking forward to next weeks recap because Romi looked and sounded like Jamie Kennedy in his role from Malibu’s Most Wanted. That part when she’s talking to Saw-duh or Sarah or Sarahara or whatever the hell her name is… can not wait for the recap of that. I hope you compare her to Eminem or something. Love the recaps :)

  6. All I learned from this is that if Vero goes to A-Camp, she’d be Rubyfruit. I didn’t just make this up, you guys, she’s wearing the bandana. Look at the bandana, loo-kah-it!

  7. Am I not the only one remembering last year’s episode of Dinah where it was actually SARA and ROMI who hooked up in the pool and Whitney getting all upset and gay about it? Please someone confirm or i will have to go dig that up!

    • that’s what I was thinking! Sara is super upset cause Witney and Romi did hook up (and she’s just blaming Romi), but hello? has she forgotten they kissed too?

    • Sara and romi kissing was in 2010… Romi kissing whitney in front of sara was in 2011 when they were supposed to be bff….

  8. Like.. I cannot like.. listen to like.. Lauren, like.. she says ‘like’, like.. every other word, like.. which I find like.. very like.. annoying

    • My question is, do they ever take it off? CVS/Riteaid/Walgreens/every other like minded place must be making millions off all the makeup remover they must go through.

      • Judging by the screencaps of Romi, she’s just been adding another layer on top before each show.

  9. What is up with Romi’s makeup?
    At first I thought that it was just a few episodes of overdoing it a little bit on the bronzer, blush, eyeshadow, eyebrow pencil, oh wait EVERYTHING.
    She just consistently looks like she’s wearing a mask. So instead of finding her attractive, I find her terrifying. (Her personality doesn’t help.)

    • I think the same thing every time I look at Sara. Way to much make up on both of them. I understand the whole hair stylist/fashion thing, but it’s overkill.

    • i thought it was an “on screen” look but they wear that much off screen, too. it’s obnoxious.

  10. I think the only amusing thing about this episode (as recapped, I didn’t watch this shit) seems to be the Kacy/Cori baby comment. And maybe Laura’s shirt.

    Also thank you for confirming halfway through the first page that I’d rather look at gifs of Laneia being adorable than ever, ever watch this show again.

    Also Romi stop looking/acting exactly like my ex.

  11. I haven’t even read the recap yet but oh em gee the bitchiness. By the time the episode was over I was so annoyed! Like, the most annoyed TRLW has ever made me, which is a lot.

    Ok reading time now.

  12. Just when I think Romi can’t get any worse…well she does. I don’t even like it when a ‘real’ celebrity pulls the “Don’t you know who I am?!” let alone some reality star whose claim to fame is getting banged by a strap-on and being a ‘lesbian’ in a relationship with a man. I don’t even mind all the shit talking because I just can’t stand her. I haven’t liked her since season 1 and this season only solidifies my utter disdain for her.

    Other than that, what a boring episode. What a boring season. Riese you’re doing a great job of cracking me during these recaps. I don’t know how you do it. I’d have to drink heavily before the episode, during, and after as I am trying to forget.

  13. Riese these recaps make me simultaneously want to watch the show and hate the show. WHAT DO I DO, HELP A POOR AUSTRALIAN LAW STUDENT OUT. So confused.

  14. Riese

    I love your recaps. It makes me realize that certain people don’t belong on the show. While I do agree that it is a trainwreck and there is an audience for trainwreck type of shows. It is too much.

    I may not hate Romi right now but she is still messed up in the head. She’s bi polar. I truly believe that she shouldn’t be on a reality tv show. She should be fading away quietly and getting her life together. While I’m glad she’s still sober. I just feel in my heart that she’s really not there in her right mind. Looking at Romi on the screen is looking at a brick wall.

    I really felt sorry for Cori and Kacy because they lost their baby. I felt bad for them. I am very happy for Whitney and Sara. I really don’t care for Hunter Valentine. Their music stinks. That’s it.

  15. you guys that band doesn’t even have a trailer on their van i don’t think and they can’t afford to fix a keyboard that apparently only had a small wiring issue and kiyomi GOT HER OWN ROOM during a major event where the hotels were probably all blocked off and booked months in advance?

    i hate it when this show inspires surprise, like why am i still surprised
    why am i still watching
    i’m going back to teen mom

    • vero is the goddamned batman

      i love her so much and much as i wish she was on the screen more, i feel like this show kind of destroys everything it touches a la what my ex told me when we broke up, so i’m glad they’re leaving her alone

    • RIGHT?!

      p.s. mutiny is a thing this band should get down with REAL fast and boot out Kiyomi because she’s kind of the worst.

  16. i’m only one paragraph in and i’ve already laughed. “Amanda, who has recently dipped her head into a vat of cake batter and then fallen asleep in a walk-in refrigerator.” genius, riese.

    • That’s when I cracked up, too. And continued to do so– no worries about this not being a funny recap, Riese. Thanks for recapping a show that l (like practically everyone else) have never watched.

  17. Oh! Oh! Also? I hope if lesbians learn anything from this show, it’s that being a celesbian doesn’t pay. (Unless you’re Kiyomi, apparently. Is it just me or did that driver guy fetch them from the airport AND take them to a party at night? And if I wasn’t hallucinating and the driver was assigned to them, why didn’t he just go and fetch motherfucking awesome Donna-Somer, too?!)

  18. As a former hotel front desk agent I cannot tell you how annoying I get when I see people refuse to leave their card for incidentals and just stand there going all “do you know who I am?”
    Yes, I know who you are. You’re someone who hasn’t read the contract that states that only room and tax are paid by the organization and incidentals (mini bar, PPV movies, room service…) are covered by the guest themselves! Just put your damn card down and stay away from the mini-bar, if you don’t wanna pay for it

    • when we arrived at dinah in 2011, also as comp’ed sponsors and some hosts (julie/brandy), we’d actually been put in the wrong hotel rooms, like our group was split up between two different hotels which isn’t what we’d expected or requested, but it was the first day of dinah, so when we asked our then-business-coordinator-person if she could track down the people in charge and fix it, she was basically like DEAL WITH IT because there’s no way that those ladies had time to deal with us wishing our rooms were closer together on the first day of dinah with so much shit going on! whomever got the phone calls about romi’s imaginary problem was probably really thrilled about it. also i was surprised that she had incidentals covered allegedly in the first place. internet i understand, but like, really?

      • Me too! I thought it was so odd that the incidentals were covered…
        I mean, what company would be crazy enough to accept to pay for mini-bar, room-service, pay-per-view movies and spa services at the Dinah? I mean, it’s the Dinah! an event known for Inciting excessive behavior

  19. So, many times have I wondered why Whitney’s friends were so unanimously “Boo Sara” (as much as I wonder about shit on this show and since I watch it, pretty much any answer is too much.) I believe the answer now to be “Asshole chemistry.” Because sometimes a dick is just like a dick tuning fork that brings out the dickery in others, no?

    (If that analogy was unclear, I just called Sara a dick.)

    As much as I dislike Lauren, I had to feel bad for her when Kiyomi first tells her things are over with Ali and then jokes about being in trouble when she gets home and there is pink hair in the suitcase. I have been in that exact conversation and it fucking sucks. Kiyomi is so unlikable that being on the show=probably not good for her band. Which is also not that good.

  20. Am I crazy or is that Rachel (as in House of Whitney’s exes Rachel) in a bunch of those Dinah pictures? No lower third? Is the Sara=scabies comment all we’re going to get from her this season, if so I am disappointed.

  21. the celesbipandas were the funniest/scariest thing. and i think that maybe kiyomi and ali should not be allowed to adopt cats.
    peta would be all over this episode, for reals.

  22. Riece,

    I love your recaps! In fact I just watched this episode to better understand the recap. All I can say is wow. This show is a train wreck and your recaps are the only good thing coming out of it. Having not watched any of TRLW epsisodes before, I feel no attachment to any of the characters, except Kacy and Cori. They’re adorable and deserve a box full o babies. Keep on keepin on!

  23. LOL @ the ebay shit… that reminded me of the people who “find Jesus” on their toast, then try to sell it on ebay for a bajillion dollars. You could potentially stretch that whole “revolving door” theme/meme into a piece of toast. Then add that whole WWJD/WWWD/WWRD (What would Whitney do?/What would Romi do?) et cetera into those trendy rubber bracelets full of “introspective” sayings and voila! *ding* fries are done! ROTFLCOPTERANDSHIT!

    • Oooooh! You can even go “Sir-Mix-a-lot”/”Lady-Mix-tHER-lot” on this shit… “Do I like big butts?” I’m not gonna lie. ((( (___)___) )))

      I dies.

  24. Sometimes, you’re stuck in h&m for over an hour and then you see RIESE’S RECAP OMG and then you settle down next to a mannequin and giggle to yourself and gain perspective

  25. “Don’t you know who I am??” – Who does she think she is?? Madonna?? I bet the receptionist was like… “Errr no I don’t, you can’t even put a freaking card..Which also might be because you don’t have ANY. Celesbian my butt!”

    I’m embarrassed watching people who are embarrassing but don’t know that they are embarrassing. For example, Kiyomi. She’s a 30yr old talking about a girl she met ONCE, like a tween pop star being in love for the first time.

    A “playa” who says cheesy lines like “I could stare into your eyes for 10 years….” Oh no no no…..

    Throughout the night I would imagine Kiyomi would have uttered this lines too….

    -I must be a snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you.
    – If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
    -Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I’ve been touched by an angel?
    -I must be dancing with the devil, because you’re hot as hell.
    -What is the name of your perfume? “Catch of the Day?
    -If you were a laser, you’d be set on “stunning”.
    -Are you religious? Cause you are the answers to all my prayers.
    -Are you lost ma’am? Because heaven is a long way from here.
    -You remind me of a magnet, because you sure are attracting me over here!
    -Do you bleach your teeth? ‘Cause your smile lights up the entire room like a candle in the dark. Let’s go prove it.

    Ok I’m done now.

      • I know, I love them. I used to memorize them and blurt them out randomly to make my friends laugh. Delivering these lines without laughing was hard work. I would even leave little notes of cheesy pick up lines.

        Of course, it never should be taken seriously. I would totally respond to anyone who uses them on me to make me laugh and KNOW it’s cheesy. I also would definitely win any cheesy pickup lines smackdown.

      • hey girl, is your dad a dealer? cause youre dope to me > all other lines

        also, also, also, all i can think about during hunter valentine scenes is that i wish somer and donna were in a donna summer cover band

        • Swoon. Cheesy pick-up lines make me swoon. Mostly because if a girl is willing/able to make an ass of herself to make me laugh, I feel All The Happy Feelings.

  26. romi is embarrassing. I met her at an event and she was so busy there being a “celesbian”, she was on her phone all night in the corner. alone. and was obviously super irritated if anyone asked her to take a picture. I don’t even think she knew why she was there. some celesbian.

  27. Romi, you’re not hosting the White House Correspondents’ dinner. Rose, you’re not on the show anymore. IT’S OVER. Seriously, I think she’s waiting for Romi to propose or something. How ridiculous was this whole celesbian thing? It was hilarious/infuriating when Romi said how annoyed she was that no one knew who they were. Nope, can’t say I’m surprised that the overworked concierge with kids to feed and a migraine is up to date on his bleeping celesbians.
    I feel like Amanda and Chaiken got together beforehand and schemed to make Lauren look like this crazy jealous person but it’s evident that Lauren’s just dealing with a shady friend. Also, what’s with Amanda’s hoodies? Pair her clothing choices with the bleach blonde hair and bam it’s the days of 8 mile all over again.
    I’m still team Whitney and Sara this season. I like how when they interview they occasionally differ on their views and they aren’t just some blob of a couple.
    IDK, they’re a bunch of cracker jacks.

  28. Riese, I’m pretty sure your Real L Word Recaps are my most favorite thing I’ve read on the internet, ever. I’m sure you know this, but your work really doesn’t go unappreciated :)

  29. I can’t believe I missed the Whitney Mixter supercut when it was first posted! Thanks for reposting it here, Riese! I demand a Whitney Mixter “I’m not gonna lie…”-supercut, next. Or a Romi “Babe!”-supercut.

  30. I have spent the last three episodes trying to figure out who is more unreasonable/unlikeable, Amanda or Lauren. I change my mind repeatedly throughout each episode. I think Amanda won this episode though.

    Also, anyone else find it hilarious that on the last episode Lauren made a comment about Hunter Valentine being a really terrible band and now she is swooning over Kiyomi?

      • Oh, whoops! I totally thought it was Lauren. She seems snarkier (is that a word?) so I guess it made more sense to me for her to say it when I was thinking back on the episode.

        • idk i think laurens actually a genuine person and they just make her look like a crazy jealous person, i think shed be pretty chill to hang with

          amanda on the other hand is the one that comes off as sheisty lying to lauren and whatnot, like in the episode where she went MIA for like 4 hours and when she told lauren that she wasnt with her gf anymore when she had just moved to L.A but they were actually still together

    • So it’s not just me that keeps mixing them up? For some reason Lauren looks more like an Amanda and Amanda looks more like a Lauren, whatever that means, point is, I constantly have to remind myself of who is who.
      And I think Riese does too? Was that an “Amanda leaves Kyomi’s room” up there?
      Let’s just call them Lamanda all the time and move on.

      Also, Riese – love these recaps

  31. I’m sure this has all been covered, but I guess I’ll recap the recaps for myself or something stupid.
    Recaps are killer. I laugh very hard every week.
    Romi: ‘I need someone to love me as much as I love me’
    Romi: Sweet Jesus, you do not have to wear every shade of every kind of makeup on your face at one time.
    Cori and Kacy: I did cry very much also, but these two are the only ones that I would love to have dinner and drinks with. The verbatim Kacy comment had me laughing the night of the train wreck, and I’m glad it was mentioned.
    Whitney and Sara: such a snooze, but they both seemed like such destructo forces, that I am ok with the new version dubbed as the snarky peanut gallery, but better cause Muppets.
    The makeup: It was pretty neat, and stunning, but yep, I’m on the ‘they need baths’ bandwagon now. Daytime, nighttime, all the time??
    OK, has no one noticed the resemblance of Kiyomi to Fairuza Balk? Even more like her in The Craft when she goes psycho she looks SO much like her when she fights with Ali or Somer.
    Apparently spellcheck fucking hates the names on this show.
    Thanks for the laughs. I’ll be back to read more, and if I didn’t want to punch my TV I’d try the Glee recaps, but ….

  32. As a born and bred LA lesbian I can tell you the “celesiban” thing is getting ridiculous. My favorite hang out spot now has Sara as a weekly dancer and I’m always amazed…scratch that, saddened by the lesbians fawning all over her. Anything to stretch the 15 mins of fame though and make a buck I suppose.

    I miss Bette & Tina. Thankfully I have Pretty Little Liars, phew.

  33. If IFC’s gunning for a showdown between the “negative people” and “certain people”, can we at least give them fun uniforms and mascots?

  34. Man, Im trying to figure out if I can like any of their behaviour, Its ultra depressing folks. On that note THANK GOD for Kaci and Cori, its almost sacreligious to make fun of them

  35. SARA does the way she pronounces her name not bother anyone else?? REALLY? Even of that’s the way it was intended…it’s wrong.
    Why in god’s earth do I find Whitney so attractive?
    Romi’s batshit crazy and that’s gotta be for tv right? I mean, people can’t really be that crazy…
    Kelsey’s hot.
    Kaci and Cori are so cute it makes me wanna give my gf dirty looks while she sleeps.

    This show is ridiculousness…

  36. Riese, I just want you to know that this recap is the ONLY thing that got me through work on Monday. Also, the slow load time on my smart phone has made me resolve to donate 100 dollas more to you guys.

  37. This show is making the whole ‘It gets better’ campaign going to waste!
    Cause basically the idea of the campaign is that after high school, you won’t be bully anymore, you won’t feel attacked anymore, you wont be judged anymore so hanging there kids, wait for high school to pass! But that was before the Real L Word time, cause now, according to IFC editing room, long after high school in the lesbian world, you will get all that bully shit back!
    Just when you though you were done with it and that it was really getting better.. The Real L Word is high school all over again in your face.. but this time, bullies are lesbians.
    This show is making me sad, I feel so so depressed each time I watch it, I couldn’t say thank enough to Riese AND the whole AS community to make fun about it and showing me this is anything BUT the Real lesbian world.

    • Truth is though, there is a lot of bullying within the community. Femme invisibility, ex rivalry, cliquey bars, catty girls, aggressive, competitive girls…

      • Is it really the truth? I have never ever noticed that.. Maybe I am just lucky! I thought it was just a ‘Dramatic editing’, kind of alternative reality. Everyone seems so immature and self-centered in this show, it has to be an editing direction, it can not be real life. Anyway, it just doesn’t make me want to go anywhere near the Cali scene.

        • Ok well that’s not all there is within the community, there are also lots of accepting, open, interesting, creative, fun people, but i guess it’s just a different kind of bullying.

          I think the show makes things look way worse than they really are. At least I sure hope it does…

  38. ALSO. I love the random descriptions you give of the show in the beginning of every recap. A lot!

  39. I never comment, though I read the recaps religiously and do enjoy them for the satirical content.

    I feel encouraged to comment because unlike many of you I actually like the show, the truth is that there are people like them in the real world, sure things are exaggerated for tv value and the bitchyness factor is seriously overdone, I appreciate it for what it is. A REALITY show. Not dateline, not an investigative report into the inner workings of lesbian life, its entertainment. The constant, “this show is horrible”, “whats wrong with me for watching” etc is seriously overdone.

    If you find yourself saying this, consider that maybe you do like watching it and enjoy laughing at their expense at the constant redic circumstances of the show.

    Some additional points:

    1) The recaps are FUNNY, and I think are meant to be FUNNY and light. I hear the complaints about the it being the only representation, but how about some positivity people. People with “fringe” jobs exist and are gay and happy and productive. Sure they have silly banter and crazy sub plots but seriously the emotional investment in these peoples lives is cray.

    2) I actually like that they are showing a committed lesbian relationship that isnt the norm, as crazy as Sara and Whitney are, they seem happy and in love, I would like to see some celebration of the fact that Whitney hung up her pimp card and is actually committing.

    3) Sara’s name is pronounced correctly by her, I understand many of you dont have a unique understanding of ethnic pronunciations but Sara in spanish for example is pronounced just like she does. So i dont get all the making fun of her name, she is first generation American and has been called that her whole life im sure.

    4) I like Kiyomi and Im not afraid to say it. I think she is following her dream and though I am not a fan of her music, I see the value in pursuing your dreams. As for her being a bad gf etc, I again say its one portrayal of a very hurt young woman who values the companionship of someone but maybe at the same time is having a hard time commiting to the reality of her situation. Again not right but Ali isnt a victim here, she is doing her own thing too. I think they both need a break from all the hate. I dont get the sense that Ali is sitting at home knitting while Kiyomi is out and about.

    I would just like to see some understanding of the human spirit in these comments. Where is the upholding of the “community” when all we do is trash the one representation we currently have.

    And finally… Celebsian…As much as that terms sounds silly, people flock to these events they host. Especially here in NY, any event Whitney, Rose or Romi have hosted have been well attended even with steep covers. If we want to help shape the community I personally would like to hear some of the good that comes out of this program. Not all lesbians want to have babies. Some like to party, drink, hang out, dream not just sit at home and nest.

    • Then you don’t call it The Real L Word, you call it ‘The Party Trash Side of The L Word’.
      I understand your comments and yes it is nice indeed to have, at least, one representation of the lesbian community, just too bad it is that side of it. It is very bad image of lesbians and I don’t think a lesbian in the middle of a small town can relate to it at all. This show is nothing else than a manipulative trash money maker show full of sex to attract male audience. I don’t see why I should be happy and supportive about it.

  40. Watching TV is hard. It involves eye and ear focus and sticking to one room of the house. However, I do make attempts at watching The Real L Word…in four 15 minute segments. Sometimes I will give myself a task. For episode 5 it was counting how many times the word ‘Like’ was used. In the first 15 minutes I counted 39 out of context, 3 in. Offenders, in order from most uses to least, are the Girl that Sneers a lot. Her Bestie, Pink Post 2003. Self Appointed Celesbian. The Micro Machines Lady (Whydoesshetalksofast?) and the Master of 1 Facial Expression. I think it’s disgust, it looks like disgust. Did I use that word correct?

  41. I just got back from spending the last 5 days in the Midwest eating cheese curds fried in beer and drinking more beer and having beer influenced lady cuddles. Like, I feel like if you’re avoiding drama maybe do that instead of going to Dinah, Romi.

  42. This was my least favorite episode, because nothing happened except for petty stupid bullshit, but it has been my favorite recap so far.

    Still confused by why everyone hates Romi though. I mean other than acting like a diva about the hotel room, she handled the drama the most maturely out of everyone.

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