Real L Word Episode 205 Recap: It’s About to Get Juicy Juice

I don’t know about you, but between last Sunday and this Sunday, I haven’t been able to think about anything besides Whitney Mixter. How many times fast can I say her name? Like a hundred times! There are so many questions left unanswered — Does Whitney drink Coke or Diet Coke? What does Whitney eat for breakfast? What’s Whitney’s favorite color? Not gonna lie, who does Whitney have feelings for? There are at least 13 Ways of Looking at Whitney Mixter, if not 14 or 15.

Thank Jesus Lord Christ of All Saints in the Glorious Lesbian Heavens above, Sunday finally came. (Much like Sajdah and Chanel. They both came too.) I was more than ready for another episode of That’s So Whitney.

Just kidding, for most of this episode I was trying to think of what it would sound like to microwave my television or if it’d be wiser to forget about blowing up the microwave and just run my face over with a tractor.

Claire, take it away:

Oddly, this week was light on Whitney and heavy on everyone else. I wonder if I could ever find this show entertaining if I had no investment in it (recapping = investment).

Maybe if I didn’t care so much, I’d just be like HAHAAHA THAT BITCH BACKED HER CAR INTO THAT OTHER CAR LOL! You know, how people are about whatever, other reality shows. The Desperately Real Housewives of WheretheFuck McEversville.

Many thanks this week to Intern Grace, my lovely intern who can see The Raptor from her house. She made 95% of these images, per my commands.


We open at an exotic lesbian outdoor party, where hot young sexy lesbians in short shorts/bikinis are having sexy feelings in and around a swimming pool. They’re eating cheeseburgers and aimlessly projecting sexual energy onto absolutely everyone else.

girls like sex with girls!

This is what hot sexy lesbians do on The Real L Word, a show about sex and the lesbians who have it. Oh! Whitney has another complicated literary device for us:

Whitney: “I am done with the back and forth with Sara. I need like a new relationship, new love. I am so done with that flip-flop action… there’s a switch that flips and like, it’s been flipped to the off position.”

What a provocative image!

we used to have a "clap on/clap off" light, but that got real crazy during sex

Instead she’s got her eye on Mel, another girl at the party. They didn’t mention this on the show, but Mel is the European Lovechild of Samantha Ronson and Lindsay Lohan, as illustrated below:

SamRo + Lilo = MEL

There’s just one problem — Mel’s young!

Whitney: “Not underage young, like over the age — but I don’t know how much girl experience she has and it’s kinda intriguing, I’m not gonna lie.”

Thank you for your honesty, Whitney.

In the next episode of In Your Box Office, Julie & Brandy will refer to men as “penis people” and, since I’ve already seen the episode, I’m gonna start using that right now to refer to these folks.

Jesus Christ stab me in the hip with a shrimp kabob and firecrack my head open, penis people.


Cori’s gonna be ovulating in two weeks. Meanwhile, Kacy doesn’t have a penis because she’s not an Important Man (like so many of you watching at home).

maybe we should just get one of them chinese babies

In lieu of Kacy directly delivering the hot beef injection to Cori’s sweet sweet babymaking vadgehole, Kacy would like to maybe press a button and be “integrated into the process in some way.” The doctor says that’s okay, whatever you need, my Gay Sister. After all, she didn’t open up a practice in West Hollywood hoping for a bunch of Mennonites with their legs clamped together.

how can we be bette and tina if we don't do it at home

so if we could find a like, magic spell or something, that'd be *AWESOME*

The doctor says if Cori wants to be extra-fertile, she’s gotta quit smoking. Number-one thing.

Cori: “I’m really scared because I love smoking.”

The doctor makes a facial expression that means, I think, “y’all are fucked.”

What say you, Claire?


Next up is Drew, Romi’s Favorite Penis Person EVER!

duh it's mario from mario kart

Romi: “I met Drew through a lot of friends at a party.”

The attention to detail here is stunning!

“I don’t have a lot of men in my life,” says Romi. Romi’s father died four years ago. Then [some time ago], Romi was single and needy and apparently lost her Mom’s phone number and There Was Drew! This is sad, maybe to me, because that was me right after my father died, or maybe forever-after: you miss that protective energy Dads usually give. But women can give that energy, too, and without the weird smell in the morning. There’s actually nothing inherently masculine about protecting someone.

So maybe Romi wanting Kelsey to get a job isn’t as much about a beach house in Malibu as it is about wanting to feel “cared for.” She wants to be the flower and she wants Kelsey to be the gardener. I got that phraseology from Rosie O’Donnell, who considered herself the flower and Kelli was the gardener. Now they’re divorced.

Anyhow Drew looks so much like Mario from Mario Kart that I can’t really focus on anything but that.

maybe later romi i could slice you open like an avocado and have a serious feast

BUT the important part to remember, all you manly men watching at home, is that women cannot conduct themselves / feel safe sans men. We just trip over our petticoats and burn eggs and drink ourselves to death. It’s terrible. We leave the butter out and slip on it!


Romi’s fave part of Drew, howevs, is his moustache ’cause it’s just like Romi’s Dad’s moustache, which is semi-weird, but whatever. Drew’s gonna be her shelter from the storm. More specifically, he will be sheltering her with his moustache:

this dude is not fucking around

Drew’s concerned that Kelsey’s drinkity-drink-drinking will drive Romi to drink and suggests Romi  provide Kelsey with an “ultimatum.” That sounds fun, but Romi has to go home to her wife.

Romi: “Drew is very protective of me. I think if Drew had it his way, I’d be with nobody but him.”

Well I think the “message” of this conversation is that lesbians in hot sexy bikinis love hot wild men.dotted-divider2

Back to the WET ‘N WILD POOL PARTY. First, the Cliff’s Notes version:

But if you want a more detailed explanation, here we go:

When Rachel arrives with Alyssa and Scarlett, Whitney notices Ray-Ray looking especially sexy:

Whitney: She like walks in with her little sassy flair and her high heels. I find Rachel attractive when she’s NOT fucked up.”

and then i was like "i still give great haircuts," you know?

Rachel’s gotta save face after last week’s emotional meltdown, so she’s gonna save face by getting head.

oh. my. god. becky.

Rachel: “I think Whitney and Mel are flirting at the party. But Mel’s really young. And you can’t send a girl in to do what a lady can do.”

Whitney and Rachel are a great match sexually ’cause they’re both willing to have sex on the teevee (and ’cause they dated for three years) so it’s no surprise that Whitney pulls her into a bathroom to get all Mature Audience on our asses.

To be honest I haven’t watched any of the sex scenes in TRLW, instead I cover my face and scream. I don’t know, I’m either 12 or 65.

At some point during this scene I left the room and when I came back and I thought Rachel was throwing up in the sink, but in turns out Whitney was just fucking her from behind.


Back to sajdahjustgotborn dot tumblr dot blogspot dot com, a subsidiary of justgotborn dot blogspot dot tumblr dot com, in which we witness Sajdah’s birth, early years, pre-adolescence, adolescence, etc. It’s like Benjamin Button backwards and gay.

This week we’ll be planning our Barbie Dream House and learning about the birds and the bees.

remember what happened when dana thought it was too soon to move in with alice? she died, chanel. she died.

Sajdah thinks she and Chanel should live together, because Sajdah just got hit on the head with a rock.

Sajdah: “We have to pick out a new apartment.”
Chanel: “Yeah we do… for you.”

Oh, massive sidenote: I force Marni, my very very special friend, to watch this show with me, and sometimes I write down the things she says. Like this:

Marni: “Oh my god, I can’t.”

Sajdah: “Chanel and I have been together for three weeks now. I’m ready for Chanel to move in.”

Oh jeez. I wonder if she’s told Marissa.

Okay, here’s the deal with Sajdah — and sidenote, her storyline gets less and less plausible as the show goes on — these things she’s picking out to explain why Chanel is her soulmate aren’t soulmate-things. You can’t stop thinking about her? You wanna have sex with her? When you fought, the thought of losing her tore you up? Good! You should be girlfriends! That’s how dating and relationships begin. All of those things. So they’re on a good track, and Sajdah needs to slow her roll. She feels me:

Sajdah: “You can’t really handle big gulps of Sadj. You gotta sip it slow and I’m serving her in really big gulps right now.”

G-damn she’s got a talent of blaming everything on something totally unrelated. One day Sajdah’s gonna break her leg and be like, “it’s ’cause you wouldn’t leave that party last week.”

can you handle this / CHANEL! I said 'can you handle this'

how can we paint the walls when i don't even know your favorite color?

Chanel: “I feel like opening up physically when I feel that we’ve really connected emotionally and mentally.”
Sajdah: “We had sex the other day. That was yesterday.”
Chanel: [nods no, laughs]
Sajdah: “Yes we did.”
Chanel: “When we messed around? That’s not really — that’s not — it doesn’t count as sex.”
Sajdah: “I came. You came. We both came. I’m confused.”

Chanel: [shaking her head, cracking up] “That’s not sex!”
Sajdah: “What’s the difference?”
Chanel: [hysterically laughing] “That’s all — [can’t talk, laughing too hard]
Sajdah: “I have a question. What was that? Can we have sex then if that wasn’t sex?”
Chanel: “Yeah, that’s what I was gonna tell you.”
Sajdah: “What the fuck? What am I missing?”
Chanel: “A lot.”

“I’ve only been a lesbian for a year and I’ve never been in a relationship,” Sajdah reminds her/us. She can repeat that all night long, that’ll never make it true.

and i was like, "just wait til you see this body naked"

Marni: [eating her salad] “I would feel really bad watching this right now if this wasn’t one of the best salads I’ve ever made. I’m really into this salad.”

Chanel’s really pretty.


Whitney’s doing a photo shoot because she’s a Hot Dancytown Supreme Cheermaster Sexylesbianpants Celesbidykeathon who does lots of super-cool things like start a super juicy hot red wet lesbian sexmachine party night because she’s super-famous and lesbians love Whitney. LOVE HER.

give me you're "let's talk about whitney" face

Her co-conspirators for the Juicy Party include Leslie, a DJ you may remember from Season One — she’s Nat (Rose’s girlfriend)’s sister, and another girl who’s pretty and hasn’t fucked Whitney, so, whatever.

Obviously Sara shows up, because let’s face it, girlfriend lives and dies for The Whit, and Whitney’s like, wtf, I told you the switch was OFF, bitch!

i'm having lindsay lohan flashbacks

Sara tries to get all up on Whitney — aka do her job — but Whitney’s too up in her brain-head of feelingspace to remember the photo shoot’s about getting good photos, not entangling as many people as possible into your personal drama.

Whitney: “I asked Sara to go-go dance when we were on good terms and now we’re not together so…”

Whitney marvels at how Sara didn’t “get it” — that being broken up meant no more go-go dancing at photoshoots — “she didn’t get it” “she didn’t get it.” “What’s wrong with her?” I feel like she’s trying to tell us that Sara’s mute or mentally challenged or something.

this grapefruit reminds me of how you felt when i fisted you in the shower


In preparation for Doing Sex, Sajdah & Chanel are getting STD tests, because that’s both responsible and WILDLY ENTERTAINING.

Sajdah: “Since I just found out that we’re not actually having sex, Chanel thought it would be a good idea to go get tested before we have sex for the first time.”

do you want me to check for any viruses ilene chaiken may have injected into your asses to "tell the story" of lesbians who get poisoned by other lesbians

Marni: “They could be doing worse things than getting HIV tested on TV–”
Me: “Yeah, they could be actually having sex.”

there's graham crackers in the car!

Sajdah’s never heard of STDs before, probably thought Finn really did get Quinn pregnant in the hot-tub.

Sajdah: “I know my grandmother ain’t get no STD test. She didn’t even know what a tampon was.”

Anyhow good news they don’t have HIV but have to wait for the rest of the results.


This week’s episode brought to you by the United Gynecologists of America.


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Riese is the 41-year-old Co-Founder of as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3211 articles for us.


  1. Riese,

    Damn, you work late! And on a/after a holiday. I’m not gonna read this now. I’ve got to go to sleep. But I know tomorrow afternoon/evening will be funnier than previously anticipated.


  2. Oh Genius/Poor Riese again you do a masterpiece of this! I was going to bed, when I saw your post, now I am going to bed with a smile and at the same time feeling confused/awkward about this show!

    Still, I am amazed how you can make me stay, but let’s make it clear it is not TRLW, it’s your amazingly witty writing skills/brain!!

    I guess I just wanted to say I love u and thanks for dealing with this for us.

    • That cat looks almost exactly like my cat. Only my cat is cross-eyed and has trouble telling the depth of the water in his bowl so he often has a soaking wet face.

      Also, …a fight as empty as the brains of the woman who created this show.


  3. yes, i think you’re spot on recognizing all the contrived crap that comprises this season. if saj has never been with a woman before, then ilene chaiken is brilliant. ain’t no freakin’ way. and claire’s fake storyline is unraveling as is her mind while trying to keep her dead ass “character arc” going against all reasoning. it just doesn’t add up.

    and romi! soooooo fake! kelsey’s all “wtf” because her life with romi suddenly stopped making sense as soon as the cameras started rolling.

    it’s just….smut for the sake of smut. nothing else to be had here so far.

    that hit and run sex scene between rachel and whitney was hotter than whit’s chemistry with sara, though. dang. rachel can fake it pretty good.

  4. drew & romi definitely hooked up at some point. there relationship is way tooo weird.

    && totally agreed. IC is a genius cuz saj is a big fake! she was so attractive in the previews. what happened??! :/

    • re: Romi and Drew. My thoughts too, and I kept waiting for Romi to say it and it never happened. I thought that would have actually been an interesting disclosure for Romi to make and talk about. Like, maybe would have made me interested in the show to hear about Romi’s past and struggle in this weird friendship. AND it would have made her and Kelsey’s fight make some sense, no?

      But OF COURSE they didn’t talk about it. Why have this show make any sense when it’s already riding a crazy wave of creamed corn and pussy juice?

      • “Why have this show make any sense when it’s already riding a crazy wave of creamed corn and pussy juice?”

        LOL! Yup. And yet, despite all my fully functioning gray matter, I keep coming back to this damn show. Or rather, the reviews on AS of this show. I feel like every week there’s some new horrible stereotype/catastrophe I will have to explain away/defend in future to people who use this show as a lesbian documentary.

  5. The Real L Word parody was so much better than this shit ass show. SOMEBODY’S JELLIS

  6. The whole episode I was “I can’t do this anymore”. I think I’m done with this now. I will read the recaps still though, because they’re hilarious, so thanks Riese !!

  7. Cat: in relative world terms, I’m actually super-duper, upper-class, through-the-roof posh.

    look at that pose! too cute, i cant even….

  8. “At some point during this scene I left the room and when I came back I thought Rachel was throwing up in the sink, but it turns out Whitney was just fucking her from behind.”

    Haha! I didn’t leave the room and I still thought Rachel was throwing up/going to throw up. No wonder Sajdah’s understanding of sex is messed up.

    Kelsey shouldn’t stand for Romi’s treatment of her. Rude.

    Claire embarrassed herself a lot.

    Whitney and her friends looked like gigantic assholes.

    Francine’s friends shouldn’t have thrown Claire’s stuff out, regardless.

    I squirmed when Kacy asked the doctor if she could “integrate” herself in the process by pushing a button or something. Does it really mean that much? Let the good doctor do her job.

  9. i have a lot of feelings about sajdah, mainly that i want to rescue her from my lawn and keep her in a shoebox with a blanket and feed her warm milk and birdseed until she can fly on her own and it is safe to release her into the wild. also chanel is very pretty. the rest of this show i can’t actually handle talking about.

    • Me too! As much as I want to believe this guy has “honest” intentions, I just dont. I want to believe that this older, straight guy is hanging out with these cute, younger lesbians to be a sort of platonic father figure and help them with their relationship and sobriety problems.. but I just don’t quite buy it. Maybe I’m biased because of the people I’ve met/things I’ve been through but I can’t help but feel he is creepy.

  10. I keep meaning to watch these but I haven’t since the first one…recaps are better.

    Also if IFC is trying to make me dislike Claire she is succeeding.

  11. listen, i was homeschooled and i can name at least 3 different kinds of sex

    1) real penis sex. this is the kind of sex you have with your boyfriend, he has a real penis and he puts it inside you and it’s REAL. it’s also very important that you forget to use a condom/birth control because then you can worry about it for a couple of weeks and think about how much real penis sex you had that one time with your penis person.

    2) lesbian sex. this is what they do on the l word. it involves a lot of giggling and rolling and kissing. you cannot see what they do with their hands. it is all pretend. this is not real.

    3) lesbian-penis sex. this is when you take a toy penis and put it places on/in a girl because secretly you are sad because you do not have one. that’s why lesbians wear boy clothes. sometimes you pretend the penis is yours. sometimes you just hold it in your hands. this sex, also, is pretend. it also is not real. fake sex fake fake fake.

    please nobody hate me for being such a snark

    • I think your generalizations are a product of you not knowing what the fuck you are talking about. You consider ‘REAL sex’ to be between males and females as you so bluntly put it, and that sex between a female and another female is ‘pretend penis sex’ when toys are involved? What gives you any authority to distinguish what is ‘real sex’ and ‘pretend sex’?

      You say you’re as queer as can be while sitting at home and lumping sex acts into categories? Obviously you have not been out in the real world to experience such things and are not at all in the right position to say such things. If you are indeed a queer, I’m ashamed at you for passing such stereotypical/misogynist judgements about what ‘REAL’ sex is classified as.

      I have a good friend who was home schooled and she definitely has more sense than you do.

  12. Okay, Autostraddle, for real, why have you not put the “is it sex?” flowchart on coffee mugs or t-shirts? That shit would sell like hotcakes!

    • To Saj’s credit though: according to the flowchart, she was indeed having sex with Chanel. She understood pretty well what was said to her on TRLW 1. So I understand her being confused.
      Chanel, I know you’re pretty, but seriously ? THIS IS CRAZY !

  13. This show is great! Real fucking lesbians unlike these wannabe heteros on autostraddle.

  14. About Youtube removing your parody… Did you try to contest it with Youtube at all?

    Generally speaking, parodies are covered under fair use, which would allow you to create a parody even while using their audio and/or content. Of course, its never as clear cut as you might like…


    Also, these recaps are fucking genius.

  15. Riese, I’m exactly the same. Any time there’s a hint of onscreen sexy-time, I cover my ears, shut my eyes and scream really loudly. Then my ex fills me in on what happened later.

  16. I still don’t get how you can stand recapping these, Riese, but I thank you. Way better than watching the show.

  17. “It’s cool, I look good. You all look fake and crazy. Bye.” This is the funniest thing I’ve ever read.

  18. these recaps make it worth it for this stupid show to exist. haven’t seen one single episode but came here cuz i dated one of those idiots for like a minute and wanted to see how stupid she looked. yeah, pretty fucking stupid. hysterical. keep it up guys, funny as hell.

  19. Whit Whit – “No strings attached” sex with Rachel?!?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! Girlfriend went on a bender last episode just so she could get you to kiss her…COME ON! There are so many strings! Christ on a bike one of those bachelor’s degrees must be in B.S. in Obliviousness.

  20. definitely going to be using every single one of Claire’s text messages to Franny when conversing and texting with my friends. Love all the Claire this week! And she’s actually not being hated on in the recap, for a first! Finally, Autostraddle has just accepted the fact that Claire is indeed TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL and that everyone is just jealous of her. LOVE U CLAIRE! xoxo

  21. I think this show is fantastic. honestly my ideal season would include nikki and jill, cori and kacy, saj and obviously the main reason i watch this show, whitney. i skip through all the parts with claire because she is boring. romi and kelsey, wtf is all i have to say. whitney didnt want you so now we are giving you a part on the show…saj is hilarious and very real. and whitney is the sexy bad girl with a big heart. no need to bash on her. she is done with sara, finally, and she is living her single life and doing it beautifully. i dont think she should be with rachel either because rachel wants it so bad and i dont think whitney is ready for the commitment. sorry to sound harsh but “the real l word” cashing is the one thing that makes me sad on this website.

    • Honestly regardless of what autostraddle think of the show.. its actually pretty good. STraight people make trashy reality tv all the time and view got their rights, lesbians should be able to enjoy and laugh att other peoples lives without worrying about how it will affect our case.. the show gets torn down too much for my liking on here. Plus I don’t think,you kno ilene chaiken personally so disrespecting her rudely… not good. Nyway I absolutely love Whitney.. my main reason 4 watching the show. Whitney+ Rachel+ bathroom .. equals HOT!

  22. Screencap of the week: “This grapefruit reminds me of how you felt when I fisted you in the shower.”

    Made better by the name of the cap: “Girl-with-the-strawberry”


  23. I am dead. I have died from laughing because these recaps are so effing hilarious.


  24. The recap is WHY I watch the show! HILARIOUS!

    Interesting episode… I mean DEBisode.

  25. “To be honest I haven’t watched any of the sex scenes in TRLW, instead I cover my face and scream. I don’t know, I’m either 12 or 65.”

    Agreed, I can’t watch these scenes. Its the same reason why I think Girls Gone Wild is gross and sad. I feel like these girls are just too drunk and too naive to question what a decision like that could mean for their careers, lives, future relationships. I’m pretty sure TRLW cast is not going to get paid for appearances forever so I just hope no one quits their day jobs! Every other person these days in on a reality TV show so the number of “celebrities” increases daily and the more it does, the less and less we care.

    On another note, I sort of wish hilariously fun Franny was featured more, but I guess she’s not dramatic enough.

  26. The only part of the show I enjoyed was when Alyssa said something cute and put the shirt on the dog’s head. It was the first time, watching this series, that I’ve so much as cracked a smile.


  27. I guess it’s a good thing they explained that weak ass insult so thoroughly, because if someone called me a Deb I’d be all “Does this mean I get to fuck Lucy Diamond?!”

  28. Christ… B-A-N-A-N-A-S indeed.

    Good for Francine for not acting up for the cameras! I wish they’d focus on her more. But noooo, IFC likes DRAMA!

    Awesome re-cap, btw. Thanks for the lunch-break laughs!

  29. Riese, you raised an interesting question. Should a woman lower themselves to attacking another woman’s looks? I don’t think so but I have to give Claire a pass in this case. This was such a hateful, disgusting attack by that person named Chas that I was stunned. Chas had never met her but decided to unleash a verbal assault in front of the smirking Whitney. The assault was intended to humiliate Claire in front of people that she does not know. It was no accident that Claire was sitting near the most beautiful woman in the club when Chas unleased. Chas’s hatred for Claire comes from the same place that Whitney’s hatred comes from – jealousy. Claire is not an idiot. She realized very much what the attack was about. So she brought it to the table going for the very thing she knew this was all about – Chas’s self-loathing about her looks and therefore jealousy of Claire.

    It is a tough call but when it comes down to it I see no other possible reaction by Claire than to get to the heart of the matter. As for Chas, while people can argue about her looks one thing is for sure. Unless this fight was an anomaly, she is one ugly person in terms of the way she acts.

  30. Even your recap was hard to make it through! We all owe you some wine for doing these recaps.

    And that cat was the absolute best thing about this whole episode.

    • yes they are, i wish they were my friends instead of characters on a bad teevee show

    • Hate sperm, love Cori and Kacy. I’m conflicted.

      Also “fetus says no” pretty much made my day.

  31. Claire seems like one of those people that grew up with money and comes off stuck up. I think if you got to know her your opinion might change. On that note Francine does need to keep a good sized distance between her and Claire.

    Saj, smh.

    Romi glad she’s doing better.

    Whitney is still Whitney.

    Cori, poor thing that has to be hard not smoking.

  32. I wonder if Whitney has a permanent sunburn on her face from all those head bands.

    Also, I’ve taught first graders that had more intelligent and witty arguements than Claire and Chas. I’m really digging Francine though, she’s my kind of peoples.

  33. re: The Fight: What the fuck?! Claire and Chas, I’m going to rip you both feminist new ones! My community is flawed, to be sure, but behaviour like that is wholly unwelcome.


    • As in, I’m maybe going to write an angry e-mail and rant. But probably just the ranting.

      How has Ilene Fucking Chaiken not been booted out of PowerUP! yet?!

      • I imagine it’s because nobody wants to be on Ilene Chaiken’s bad side.

        (you should write an angry email)

  34. I think I watch this show for the same reason I watch Hoarders sometime, i.e. to remind me what not do!

  35. Between this recap and @AG ‘s hilarious play-by-play on Sunday, I can experience the show without watching it. Even knowing these people exist exhausts me.

  36. So, thanks to these recaps, everytime Sadjah says something equating soulmates all I can think is, “This Is Crazy!!!” They’re cute though.

    Good question, are they trying to portray Claire as an asshole. If so…it’s working.

    Beautiful recap as ever. Cant wait for next time (since Sadj will be getting her grown and sexy on with Chanizzle).

  37. Cori and Kacy’s cat should have its own twitter account. That cat is seriously looking at the camera saying “Bullshit!” during like every scene.

  38. whitney looks straight up like lil wayne in that photo of her hosting the juicy party.

  39. I have definitely quit my job to be a deb (full time).

    Francine continues to have the best one-liners about Claire ever (“It’s not my fault everyone hates you”).

    Riese, you are hilarious.

  40. Claire needs to step in front of a bus. That fight scene got my Traditional Girl’s Underpants all up in a bunch. Really, Claire, are we going to bring looks into it? Honestly? You’re too good for someone who you don’t consider attractive? I’ve figured it out. Claire is just an idiot. Nothing that comes out of her mouth makes sense, she TURNED DOWN AN INTERNSHIP WITH JAMIE BABBITT, thinks she can try to have two girlfriends at one time without both of them dumping her because she’s selfish, and apparently can’t carry on an argument without bringing looks into the equation.
    This show ughhh. IFC needs to GTFO.
    (Also, Kacey is hoooot.)

    • I hope you are kidding! After what that jerk Chas did, to sit there and criticize only Claire is hilarious. That takes it to a whole special level of what the heck. How would you feel if you walked into somewhere in a new city you just moved to and all of a sudden someone you don’t know starts verbally attacking you? Claire was pissed and rightfully so. If you rip her at least have the common sense to rip the person instigating the fight.

      Your it is cool to humiliate complete strangers out of some misguided jealousy but it is not okay to snap back at the person doing the humiliation angle is as ridiculous as anything I have ever read. If you would have said both were in the wrong it would be one thing. But to excuse the idiot who both drunkenly insults people for no reason and says graphic sexual putdowns is ridiculous.

      • Did I EVER state in my comment that Claire was stupid for fighting? No, she had every right to fight back, but it’s disappointing to bring looks into the equation. She could have fought back without taking such a cheap shot. For sure, Chas was way out of place, but Claire was the one who started calling her ugly.
        I also think that despite Chas being a dick, no doubt, that Claire could have been the better person and not stooped to bringing looks into the equation and the stupid “The girls i’ve fucked are more attractive than the girls you’ve fucked!” argument.

        Frankly, my comment was focusing on Claire wasn’t it? I wasn’t excusing Chas by not adding her in my comment because Chas does not have a recurring storyline on this show.

        • When there is a fight between two people and one chooses to only criticize one individual, then yes you are giving a pass to the other one. That is exactly what happened. To not question the instigator, to not question the one who begins hurling insults first, and to not question the one who states “suck my dick” first is astonishing. Chas’s side is completely and utterly indefensible. At least with Claire’s, she is clearly the victim of a verbal assault designed to humiliate her. So while she lowered herself with the comments on looks, it is far more understandable she went there than Chas instigating what occurred.

          To be realistic, Claire did seem to hit the nail on the head with her comments. Chas’s behavior was that of an alpha female who saw someone who she sees as more attractive talking to a hot woman. So she decided to hurt that person. That is worthy of condemnation. That you chose to solely go after Claire says it all.

          • does anyone have feelings about how i figured out how to turn your links to images into actual images, i feel like this is a big deal

          • damn, chris hd, you sound like you might be claire herself. who else would give such a shit?

          • Again, I ONLY focused on Claire because she is part of the cast. Chas is not. Chas only appeared one time in this show. I also focused on Claire because of her previous stupid actions. I’m not sure why you’re making such a big deal about a comment that was obviously not an in-depth comment about Claire’s actions. I also wonder why you are defending her so much, when just about everything she’s done on this show has been an asshole move, and why you’re only focusing on one part of my comment.

            I think that you should NEVER take a shot at someone’s looks, no matter how nasty the fight, because ultimately you can’t change your looks. I think the fact that Claire stooped to that level is indefensible. Even if Chas attacked her first, Claire did not have to stoop to that level, nor should she have allowed it to escalate to the level that it did.

            But seriously, I wonder why you give such a shit.

  41. I realize this is like the fifth episode, but this just occurred to me: Kelsey = 50% Emily Blunt + 50% Juliet Lewis.

    Also, Whitney looks like Tina Majorino’s older, dirtier sister, no?

  42. riese i want to say that i’m really proud of you for finishing this recap on monday instead of tuesday

  43. My favorite quote from this episode: “I don’t know the girls you fuck? Well you don’t know the girls I fuck. And I’m pretty sure they’re hotter than yours!” Oh Claire. Save the penis comparisons for the locker room.

    • I know! I love it! Her argument is – Neither one of us knows anything about each other, but I win!

  44. The only reason I watch this show is so I can have a better understanding of the recaps. I really enjoy them.

    When Claire gets up after being insulted at the party, Rose from season 1 is sitting on the couch.

    • “The only reason I watch this show is so I can have a better understanding of the recaps.”

      This struck me as hilarious, in all the right ways. And that is some high praise, well deserved, for all involved in the recaps.

  45. What video are you talking about? I looked it up on youtube and I found one called “Real L Word Lost Episode (parody).” Was there another?

    I also love that cat. It practically rolls its eyes in some sort of detached amusement when the camera manages to catch it. The look on it’s face is how most of us feel when we’re watching the show. In that picture of the cat on her lap, it looks like it’s trying to protect them from the evil it senses. Shit looks evil.

    Where was Sara’s stomach tattoo in the beginning of the episode during the photo shoot? I think I saw it on her when she was go-go dancing near the end. Actually, now that I think about it, that tattoo seems to come and go. here one episode, gone the other. Does this show defy the laws of time and space and continuity?………… Now I wanna watch “Back to the Future.”

  46. I don’t know about you guys, but I never found it charming when people brag about ‘how much pussy’ they get. I was actually waiting for them to start pounding their chests and rub rocks together to make a fire.

    Not only is it dehumanizing for the humanpersons they slept with (yeah I love being referred to as a ladypart), but it’s also RIDICULOUS. Yeah you somehow convinced a lot of people to have sex with you. What do you want, a cookie? A friggin’ medal?

  47. I think out of that entire fight, i’m most disappointed in Whitney.
    She’s been coming across as a nice person for the series so far, then just sits there smirking at claire being attacked (before claire started the ugly comments).

    That’s pretty shitty, if my friend was drunkenly yelling at someone I’d try and stop them or assure the girl being yelled at not to take notice and I’m 21 years old, Whitney’s 29 and thinks she’s still on the playground.

  48. i truly thought the pool party pic was titled “i-feel-like-im-peeing-on-their-party”

    which is completely different from peeping

  49. Not gonna lie… I love your recaps, Riese, but I couldn’t even pay attention long enough to make it through this one because these episodes are ridiculous and I don’t know how you do it.

    Also, why is Whitney such a “thing”? She’s really not even that cute, and there is way too much of her in this show. Ugh.

  50. There is not enough alcohol in the world to ever make me truly enjoy watching this show. Every time my girlfriend asks me, “Hey, you wanna watch the Real L Word tonight?” I always cringe and ask her if we can watch reruns of True Blood or The Office or ANYTHING ELSE?!

    If any of my future children turn out to be lesbians? I am going to illegally download a copy of The Real L Word and start showing it to them…kind of like the opposite of a “How to” Manual…Instead, it shall be a, “How to not act in public, on television or even in your own home.” Also, I’ve known women like Claire my whole life, and let me tell you, it’s all a bunch of bravado and money and editing that motivate that kind of behavior.

  51. I’m surprised that Whitney has two degrees. If she is such an educated woman, why does she speak like such an ill articulated douche? WHY

    • In all fairness I think she speaks eloquently… She’s just kind of douchey

      • her language skills are average at best. she always says “I’m not going to lie” and her analogies are painfully awful.

        anyway, there’s nothing to be proud about gaining 2 bachelor degrees. you’re meant to get one, then use those skills to help you with an MA or Mphil, or even a PhD. There’s a reason that’s so rare, it’s because it’s a total fucking waste of time and money.

  52. Did we all miss Rose during Claire and Chas’s fight?! Bring back Nat and Rose!

  53. Okay wait, riese, you actually know these people? As in friends? Its weird to think of them as human beings…Anyways I am curious as to how they are in real life? Are you all still friends even after you write the recaps? And just letting you know, I watch the show and immediately read your recaps. I now see the show as a comedy rather than reality drama series

  54. Riese,

    Your re-caps are amazing.. (I’ve been a fan since the L word days off your blog) They always have been and forever will be.. and damn.. it is BRUTAL to sit through this show at times.. I often find myself cringing, laughing, and confused.. but, f it.. I am a fan of seeing lesbians on TV.. so, I will take what I can get..

    Thank you for taking your time out to do them..

    I am also going to take this moment and be completely shameless.. Check out – Let’s talk!


  55. OMG … first time I’ve come across this and I swear I’m laughing out loud!

    Ya’ll are terrifically funny …. and I hafta remember to grab a book to search for “a SH*T to give” one day real soon. I just KNOW that’ll come in handy!!

    Good night all you very funny, witty, ladies!!

  56. My favorite part of this episode is that you said there’s gonna be a new Julie and Brandy IYBO.

  57. WHAT is a Deb what is a Deb what is a Deb can someone please help me cos I still don’t get it. I have examined Whitney’s explanation, this recap, After Ellen’s recap and Urban Dictionary all to no avail. It’s driving me mental! Pleeeeease help. Hilarious recap by the way, love it.

  58. i don’t know about you guys but reading all of these super defensive comments is making me giggle into oblivions. hahaha

  59. I have seen the episodes on a web site I won’t mention on here. It makes me wish that Tracy, Jill & Nikki, and Rose were still on the show. Now I know why they didn’t get on board for the second season. Showtime was going for the “Jersey Shore” route. Then again, Showtime really want to go for the Whitney angle in the storyline for this season.

  60. I wonder if someone from the show went up to Chas and said “we’ll give you twenty bucks to pick a fight with Claire.” I that explanation works perfectly, because really who starts yelling at a random chick they don’t even know?

  61. These recaps make a show that I watched all last season saying, “OMFG this is so bad!” totally worth it. I now just watch to prep myself for the awesome recaps. Also, after reading the first one, I got lost on the site reading EVERYTHING, so good work. You rock Riese! Tooooo funny.

    And yes, Kelsey is a cutie, and I want to slap Romi. SOBER!!! SOBER SOBER SOBER!!!!!

  62. this. so true
    “Me: “No matter which character it goes to, I’m like UGH. NOT THEM!”

  63. Season one was a bit more interesting to me in that at least I saw Mikey at work and and other things that weren’t just focused on the hot and heavy complications of their love lives. When we saw Saj go on the prop 8 protest march I thought that was awesome too. I would love to see Whitney be more dimentional and see her actually showcase her interests in art therapy and see more of her make-up effects job with Alyssa (who I think is like one of the most interesting and grounded people on this show purely because of her lack of drama it seems.) Also… where’s Scarlet gone? (She is pretty fine ;) and also seems pretty down to earth) There could be a showcasing of such more awesome and interesting stuff in the show. Whitney did a project focused around art as an expression against homophobia- no stuff like that seems to be getting aired. It just feels really superficial now. :(

    • I agree with you! The first Season captured their lives without the overbearing “she said / she said” B.S. I liked how we got to see Tracy and Stamie at home with the kids, even Stamie doing her stand up, or see Whitney get in shape for her movie role. Now it just turned into over the top drama with someone yelling every five minutes. Even the opening theme is ridiculous, its like watching a theme for one of MTV’s so called “reality” series feat. teenagers.

  64. Am I the only one who noticed the tender kiss of her own face in the mirror that Rachel did during the bathroom scene. I thought for sure it would be mentioned here.

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