Pretty Little Liars Recap 313: This is a Dark Ride of Unclear Lesbian Costumes

This week’s special Halloween episode of Pretty Little Liars was Spooktacular. Yeah, I just used the word “Spooktacular.” It was seriously that good.

I was not expecting greatness in light of last years flashback awkward-face mismoshed excuse for an episode. Boy did I get my socks knocked off. Way the hell off. Oh, and it was fucking scary.

We open on Radley Sanitorium where Mona has just finished adding Brunettes Painting While Singing Teddy Bear’s Picnic to my list of irrational fears. That’s right, she’s painting a full headed creep-o mask situation. Mona says some other creepy pseudo-non-sequitur Mona shit, and then gives some pills and bullets to some hooded figure. Normal A fare.

Starsweep to the Liar’s neighborhood where they are walking home thinly explaining why four girls who’ve had potentially the most traumatic last few months would ever want to board a spooky themed train on Halloween. They’ve also agreed they’re all going to go as different movie characters and surprise each other which I feel like is sort of an adorable thing BFFs actually do. So that’s cute. Either way I’m just glad Emily won’t be reprising her outrageously offensive “Sexy Indian Girl” costume situation from the previous year. Mostly I was crossing my fingers that all the Liars would show up in the same costume and that would be the hilarious crux of the episode, until I realized I wasn’t watching a CBS sitcom.

Back at the Hastings residence, Garret shows up looking for Mama Hastings but is instead confronted by Spencer. Spencer is so not into Garret hanging about, but luckily Garret announces his impending departure. He says he wants to tell her everything before he goes. FYI this is the moment when you know he’s either going to die to not actually know anything of value.

Bummer for everyone, this is the moment Toby aka The Worst Person in the World shows up and kicks Garret out. As you may remember, last we saw Toby he was sleeping with Spencer and then turned out to be working with A. So we hate him.

Flash over to where our second favorite lesbian couple, Caleb and Hannah, are making out in a broom closet at a dentist’s office. The rationale for why this is going on is weak at best but I think it has to do with sneaking around so A won’t find out. Haven’t we been down this road already? Didn’t Caleb get shot and put an end to all of that? I thought the sneaking around portion was over.

Timewarp over to our favorite inappropriate power dynamic couple where Aria is trying on part of her costume just as Ezra comes home.He mournfully reveals that he can’t make it to the Cool Kid’s Train Party because he has a job interview. At night. On a weekend. On Halloween.

Finally we get to our favorite lesbian couple as they prepare for the night. Just kidding! We don’t see them. Actually we cut to Ashley and Pastor Ted handing out candy to trick-or-treaters. This leads to a whole side plotline about a really creepy, cold little girl — the same one from last years Halloween episode — who may or not be a ghost and also wants to call her mom and then talks about her sister and disappears.

More importantly, Ted and Ashley are dressed as a sexy doctor and sexy nurse — it’s uncomfortable for everyone involved, but mostly for me.

I’m bored. Let’s get on that Halloween Train Party.

The crew all meet up at the Life Cafe where they make overly grand costume-revealing entrances and await The Train’s departure. Hannah is dressed as Marilyn Monroe in the Seven Year Itch. She arrives and gets her picture taken by Lucas, who I guess is good again because he tells her she’s beautiful. That’s a life lesson guys, always trust people who tell you you’re beautiful. Always.

Aria follows Hannah in, sporting a Daisy Buchanan a la The Great Gatsby costume and a complete misunderstanding of the concept of “dressing up as movie characters.” There have literally been four Gatsby movies (with a fifth on the way) and Aria takes the time to point out she’s the book character. Hannah asks Aria “Where’s your writer?” It took me three days to realize this was because Fitz’s real last name is Fitzgerald. I need to get out more.

Next up Spencer and her psychopath boyfriend show up as Lauren Bacall and Humphrey Bogart in To Have and Have Not. At least I think that’s who they’re supposed to be.

Wait. Maybe they’re Bonnie and Clyde? Michael Corleone and Kay Adams? Al and Mae Capone? Okay: mobster and mobster’s girlfriend. I guess it doesn’t really matter because Spencer is smoking hot and I want to put my mouth on her face. Moving on, we finally we get to see our favorite abcFamily lezzies!

Yeah, I know. I literally had to pause the episode to throw some ice cubes down my pants. Shesh. That Barbarella outfit is unreal. If you’ve never seen Barbarella, you’re obviously going to need to immediately. This is a need. I honestly couldn’t have asked for more. For the record, I have no idea what Paige is dressed as but I’m guessing the giant flower means some derivation of Carrie Bradshaw. Alternatively, she might be going as Your High School Prom Date. Regardless I would like to cordially invite you all to wear either of these costumes at your leisure. And send pictures.

Just before the train arrives, Team Rocket aka Noel and Jenna make their entrance.

Noel is dressed as some sort of cross between a matador and Prince William. I think there’s a good chance that Jenna is actually, yet again, just dressed as Lady Gaga. What can I say, Gaga’s look has gotten a bit out there. Then again, Jenna might not be dressed up at all, she does have a thing for tiny hats. Of course I’m just joking around, Noel and Jenna are in a couples costume as lego pirates.

Just before everyone boards the train, Noel fakes choking which you should never never never do ever. Seriously. Don’t do that. It’s not funny. Stop it. No okay. Never ever ever.

All is forgotten, however, when the Liars board the train and discover Our Gay Boyfriend Vintage Vampire Adam Lambert performing with what I have to assume is his new band The Sidecuts.

He sings his new song “Cuckoo,” and even though the celebrity guest star cameo-ness of it all is almost too much to bear, I love it. Don’t judge me.

During this scene a few things become painfully obvious. First of all, no one, not even Tobychabod Crane can resist Glambert. Secondly, the band’s lady guitarist is super hot. Most importantly though, Paige is breaking one of the most important rules of Halloween — don’t wear a hat or wig if you’re going to be fussing with it all night. She just needs to set it on a table or something.

Cut to Radley where a nurse goes to check on Mona through a window. Obviously the mask Mona was painting is there instead combined with the classic pillows under the blanket trick. Mona is out and about.

Meanwhile, mid-song, some masked figure grabs Hanna’s ass. Anyone who has ever followed this show knows it’s going to be Caleb. I was going to have Intern Grace make an overly dramatic chin analysis of the masked figure to prove it was Caleb, but then they show him like three scenes later. I never get what I want.

Elsewhere, in the Dining Car, Toby and Jenna have a little run in.

Jenna: Do you like my costume?
Toby: [covers Jenna’s other eye] I liked you better like this.

Toby needs a metaphorical slap. Like I get that we’re supposed to hate Jenna, but all the blind jokes are uncalled for. They just make everyone else look like a complete dick. Lay off already — it’s just awkward for everyone now. As a side note, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if we found out there was more about Jenna and Toby’s relationship we don’t know. Like more fucked up shit.

Over in the Passenger Car, a James Dean clad Jason confronts Spencer. He wants to know if why the hell Spencer was fraternizing with Garret, aka Jason Enemy #1, at her house. Spencer’s all “wah wah wah he was there to see my mom. I do what I want.” I think this would have been a good moment to be like, “Hey Jason, remember the time your shed was full of pictures of Aria and we thought you were A? Yeah, looks can be deceiving, dick.” Alas, none of that happens and instead Jason goes running off into the distance with Lucas.

Starsweep to the Hopelessly Devoted Car where Aria looks longingly into the bottom of a glass of whiskey dreaming of her older, well educated, vest-wearing manfriend.

Concerned by her long face, Adam Lambert strolls on over to make sure Aria is okay. FYI their conversation is completely weird and somehow the most unrealistic part of the episode. That’s right, the least realistic part of an episode of Pretty Little Liars was a conversation where no one died or threatened to expose some grand lie. They set themselves up to fail since it’s totally bizzaroland that Glambert would even be strolling around a Pennsylvania suburb’s train party on halloween night. Shouldn’t he be attending some sort of gay celebrity halloween bash? Or giving a halloween benefit concert in New York City? Or handing out candy to trick-or-treaters since he’s like 30, works a million hours per week and probably feels ready for a quiet night in with Sauli Koskinen? Also, Aria also draws her name on the glass because she can’t wait the 3.5 seconds until the train finishes going over some noisy tracks. Also Glambert kind of hits on her which is weird since he is credited as himself and last I checked he was Our Gay Boyfriend/Sauli Koskinen’s Gay Boyfriend. So that happened.

Just as Glambert is heading off, some sneaky Joker walks by, opens his poison ring and dumps some white powder into Aria’s drink. I’m pretty freaked out by how easily these girls are getting drugged in their drinks, particularly because I think it might be realistic. I’m also starting to wonder why any of them drink in public anymore. Clearly that game plan isn’t working out for them.

Fantasy sweep over to the Lesbosexy Privacy Car where Paige and Emily get their feelings time on.

They tell each other they can’t believe they’re together for about the hundredth time. Like I get it already, can we just get to the part where they’re both not totally insecure anymore?

I get that they’re high school students so actually the shock and disbelief that someone hot loves you is totally real, but I’d like to get to the part where they get a Ezaria/Hanneb/Spoby sexy scene. Like let’s do that now. Instead they just exchange some hot words and hold hands palm to palm.

Wait. Wait just a damn minute. Emily is dressed as Barbarella… and in Barbarella that’s how they have sex… with emotional transference when their “psychocardiograms are in perfect harmony.”

Basically Emily and Paige have the nerdiest most lesbian sex ever. Beggars can’t be choosers. I’ll take it.

Just then, outside the This is Where High School Students Go to Make-out Cars, Spencer is grabbed by the zombie figure from last year’s Halloween episode.

There was a commercial break to build suspense, but I don’t have the ability to go to commercial break, so let’s take a page break instead!

The zombie figure was Garret! He wants to talk to Spencer about All The Feelings before he leaves town.

Garret paints Spencer a pastel flashback scene in which, on the night of Alison’s murder, he and Jenna ran into Alison outside her house.

Alison and Jenna have a tussle in which nothing gets hurt but Jenna’s pride. Jenna tells Garret to do something, at which point he picks up a field hockey stick and beats the crap out of Alison until she dies.

Well, that’s what Jenna thinks. In actuality, Alison ducks and Garret hits the tree a bunch. Remember now, Jenna can’t see any of this, so in Alison’s creepiest moment yet, she puts her finger over her mouth to shush Garret.

So Jenna thought Garret killed Alison. Why did Alison and Garret pull this shit? No clue. Knowing Alison it could have been just to fuck with Jenna. What I do know is that this means throughout the entire series Jenna — and likely therefore Noel and potentially even Toby and Mona — thought that Garret had actually killed Alison.

But wait. There’s more.

Garret also reveals that when he returned to Alison’s house later, he saw Alison talking to Byron Montgomery.

Now, this lends some suspicion to Byron, but it seems to me he was probably just trying not to get busted for nailing his graduate student. Besides, Alison isn’t even wearing the sweater she supposedly died in. Garret says he would have revealed this had Spencer’s mother not gotten him cleared. Funny, you’d think being arrested for murder would be the moment in which you started to throw everyone else under the bus. Immediately.

Knowing that Aria would never believe her, Spencer goes off to find her prohibition era friend.

Spencer: Don’t go anywhere.
Garret: Where do I have to go?

Oh he is so dead.

Of course, as Spencer and Hanna go off to find Aria, we see her purse alone on a seat next to the window where she’s written her name. Of course, half the name is crossed off so it just says “A.”

As much as I appreciate A’s commitment to new and interesting ways of writing her own name, at this point I think the girls should be offended that A doesn’t think they know that she’s behind it when shit goes wrong. Like, they get it. We all get it.

Here’s something I didn’t see coming: Aria wakes up in a fucking crate.

Basically nothing scares me more than small spaces. I want to say something snarky about a better way to get out of a crate, but I got nothing. I would be screaming like a small child, crying my eyes out and flailing. Mostly screaming through.

Trying to find Caleb to get him to safety, Hanna searches through the Even More Tiny Hats Car. When she finds him, he just wants some hanky-panky.

Psych. Caleb is on the other side of the room and Hanna is grinding with someone else. Hanna rips of the faux-Caleb’s mask to reveal… another mask.

A fucking scary ass Alison mask. At which point Hanna should have ripped off that mask too, amirite? In my version, under that mask is another mask only that’s a mask of Maya and under that mask there’s another mask and it’s a mask of Lyndon/Nate. Oh yeah, also in my version the person pulling the masks off is Emily and she’s doing it while simultaneously scissoring with Paige. I should probably be hired as a Pretty Little Liars writer. Instead, scary faux-Calalison runs off back through the Even More Tiny Hats Car.

Back over in the Revealing Secrets Car, Spencer returns to discovers only Garret’s mask. Oh yeah, and the Roofie-ing Joker!

RJ (my new petname for the Roofie-ing Joker) tries unsuccessfully to kill Spencer via the classic Head Out The Train method, but Spencer fights back. I mean kind of– not very successfully. Much like not drinking in public, you think the Liars would have taken a self defense class or something. Unfortunately, Spencer doesn’t think to take a cue from Hanna and rip the goddamn mask off. Even with my life in danger, the curiosity would be killing me. Anyways just as RJ is going for Spencer’s jugular, Paige shows up in a soft butch blaze of glory and saves the day. Clearly Paige has been taking those self defense classes I was talking about. My fucking hero.

The best part is how after nearly being killed both of their hair is still perfect. Spencer even still has her little veil on. Well Spencer’s hair is almost perfect, RJ managed to get one long red fingernail stuck in it.

Just before parting ways Spencer thanks Paige, to which she replies, “It was a pleasure.” I know that they were trying to have a Spencer/Paige Reconciliation moment, but it was awkwardsauce. Hm. This scene lends itself to the idea that maybe Paige is dressed as Tuxedo Mask?

Moonsweep back into the terrifying crate of death where Aria is tossing and turning. Aria can’t get out, but what she can do is go face to face with a cold dead Garret.

Called it.

The Liars reconvene and Emily takes Paige into one of the compartments to update her on A and/or hug her with her legs. The Liars scurry off in one direction because this seems like a really good time to take a group bathroom trip. Paige walks off in the other direction to the Hipster Lesbian Car.

There, she runs into The Dread Pirate Jennabert. Paige and Jenna express the usual mutual dislike as well as classic Pretty Little Liars sexual tension. No but seriously have we ever seen these two speak? Because Jenna acts like she’s got a big fat lesbian crush on Paige.

Back inside the crate of terror, Aria begins to hear a girl and a guy’s voices outside. They’re saying things like “push” and “I can’t” and “get back over here.” Plus the crate starts to move. I think we’re supposed to believe some As are arguing over whether or not to push the crate out of the train, but I like to think it was just some high school students trying to bang on top of the crate. I mean, they’d be saying the same sort of stuff. Just as things are looking pretty bad for Aria, the Liars burst in to save the day in a nick of time. I mean, you didn’t seriously think they’d kill off a main character did you? No no no, only creepy older men and sexy bisexual girls die on this show.

For a split second I had the terrifying thought that perhaps the girls were going to try to cover this up and then eventually get charged with Garret’s murder. Eck. Who has the energy for that.

Instead, we time jump to afterward with the Liars and all our favorite side characters in the Police Lockdown Car.

Spencer takes solace with Toby in a gross little hand-face snuggle moment. Weirdly, knowing that he’s on the A-team makes his character feel more tolerable. At least now we know he’s supported to come off like Voldemort. The Liars rehash what the actual fuck is going on. They agree that A got Garret out of jail to them kill him in some sort of NAT Club Death Ponzi Scheme, but disagree on the Aria’s dad being a creep-o factor. You never can tell with these things.

Just then, Ezra bursts in the car to hold Aria lovingly as though the car isn’t full of his former students. Think of how shocked Lucas must be? He’s probably thinking, “Holy shit! Mr. Fitz just kissed Aria! Maybe this means I have a shot with my hot Chemistry teacher!” For the love of God could the writers please pen Aria’s eighteenth birthday into the next episode so I can move on?

Meanwhile Noel, Toby and Jason get themselves into a scuffle that results in Toby throwing Noel into a cooler of drinks. The best part is how the car is filled with police officers but none of them try to prevent the fight. The second best part is the look on Caleb’s face in the background like, “Yo. I just got shot. I don’t want anything to do with any of this. I just want to fuck my hotter than me girlfriend and call it a day.”

Actually, the real best part is that the cooler spills out to reveal a body bag. One Ms. Alison’s body bag. Since Toby is an evil douche, and he caused the body to show up, you know that body is appearing just when A wanted and covered in faux evidence. I sort of can’t wait for this one.

Back at Radley, Mona is safe and sound in bed. What a cute little psycho!

On the floor? That scary-ass Alison mask.

Oh but that’s not the cut-scene. Nope nope nope. It’s a flash-black to the place Alison was buried. Suddenly, one lone right hand with a beaded bracelet reaches up through the dirt.

Welp. That was terrifying, but at least some stuff with Garret was wrapped up just in time to spark some new questions with a couple of new bodies. I’ll see you in January when Pretty Little Liars returns for the second half of the season. My predictions? Toby knocks Spencer up with his demon A seed causing Emily and Paige to adopt and raise the child, Caleb gets a haircut, Hanna gets Prom Queen and Aria finally asks herself “What the hell would a normal guy in his twenties be doing with a high-school senior?” Oh yeah, and Alison totally totally totally has that evil twin we’ve been waiting for.

Oh wait… maybe Paige was supposed to be a magician…