Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Mona Vanderwaal was mercilessly assassinated by a blonde-headed person only seconds after fingering Ali as Big A. Spencer was arrested for murdering Bethany Young, the Radley patient who was fond of drawing pictures of Mrs. DiLaurentis getting eaten to death by lizardmen and who also was buried in that hole in the yard. You know the one. Toby got hit by a car on the way to the second day of Rosewood Police Academy, which also is the day of graduation from Rosewood Police Academy. Hanna read Emily’s boobs. Paige smooched Emily’s face. And the mangerĀ of Christ the Lord was emptied of Christ the Lord and filled with Mona the Vanderjesus.
It’s Christmastime in Rosewood, Pennsylvania, the one town in Pennsylvania where you can walk around outside in December in just a t-shirt and cardigan and not suffer even a nip of frostbite. Spencer is not feeling the holiday spirit because what she got from Santa Claus was money for bail. Hanna also is not particularly in the mood to celebrate because Mona is dead. Emily, no stranger to murdered girlfriends and being at least half-convinced she smashed in someone’s face with a shovel in Ali’s backyard on the Night of a Thousand Nights, suggests that everyone take a deep breath and make a wish on a snowflake.
As long as I don’t get a cow brain in my stocking, I’ll be happy!
In front of a store window, Hanna flashes back to the glory days of Hannily, when the only thing Hanna and Mona had to worry about was how much pilfered swagĀ they could fit in their purses atĀ Bloomingdale’s and whether or not Ashley was going to walk in on them playing a two-person game of spin-the-bottle. Flashback Hanna is like, “I wish for Jimmy Choos” and Flashback Mona is like, “I will get those for you and literally anything else you want including the spleen of a living human being, if it willĀ make you happy.” They laugh. They promise to be best friends forever, to always make the yuletide gay.
In real-time, the Liars sense a ripple in the Force. An alive black person catches their attention due to being alive and black in Rosewood. Spencer’s curiosity goes one step further than everyone else’s, obviously, and within seconds she has constructed a mental list of 100 reasons he is A deduced that he is a lawyer because he is writing with a fancy person’s pen. And she’s right. He is the lawyer of Mona Vanderwaal, whoĀ left instructions for him to to deliver a package to Hanna exactly 30 days after her death. The package containsĀ a hand-drawn map of all of Ali’s hiding places in her house and a note that’s like, “Honey, if I can die, it truly is like what Arya Stark said: Anyone can be killed. Be careful and remember I love you.”
IT’S THE GRIM!
Aria: Aww, she mentioned me.
Spencer: She was talking about Arya Stark.
Aria: What’s a Stark?
Spencer: Emily’s a Stark.
Aria: What are you?
Spencer:Ā House Lannister.
Aria: Hanna?
Spencer: Targaryen, born of the dragons.
Aria: OK, but what am I?
Spencer: House Bae.
Aria: Is that a thing?
Spencer: Shhh.
Santa walks by and Aria trades him a fiver for a snow globe. In the snow globe is a picture of all four Liars, and a note from A talking about: “Do you hear what I hear? Spoiler alert, it’s the sound of you being tortured to within an inch of your sanity. Ho ho ho!”
Ali is at home by herself, trying to sleep, but the sound of clanking chains and ghosts wailing in the walls is keeping her awake. Unlike most nights, though, the source of the dark magicks reveals itself, and it is Jessica DiLaurentis(!!!!). She goes, “She’s got a lot to show you, pay attention!” And then vanishes! Ali walks through the house, pausing to play a little holiday ditty on the piano, and then dozes off on the couch. She awakens with a start, exclaims, “My eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord!” Because what her eyes are seeing is Mona Vanderwaal, fully embodying theĀ Ghost of Christmas Cataclysm!
Truly, truly, truly outrageous.
Ali: Nope. Nope, nope, nope.
Mona: Uh huh, honey.
Ali: Why are you dressed like some kind of Jem and the Holograms zombie tribute band?
Mona:Ā Because, much like Mamaw Marin, I do what the fuck I want. Hey, look at little you, playing the piano. Shit’s about to get so for real, though.
Little Ali, who is playing “Silent Night” in a tragic bit of forever foreshadowing, hits a key that makes a weird sound, so she liftsĀ the piano lid and finds a couple of wrapped packagesĀ inside. She opens them up and discovers matching dresses that look like the dresses those murdery twin girls wore in the second Halloween episode. Jessica comes rushing in, and Little Ali is like, “Dad’s gonna get a real kick out of the fact that y’all bought me the same present!” And Jessica goes, “The same present? There is only one dress here. You only found one dress. Do you want Daddy to abandon us? No, right? So you only found one dress.”
Little Ali nods and retells the story to her mom about the one dress, to make sure she’s got it just right, and Mona turns to real-timeĀ Ali, says, “And so anyway, that’s your superhero/villain origin story. Makes Bruce Wayne’s whole deal look kindaĀ jolly, huh?”
Round yon dumb virgin who can’t drive.
Identity has been a theme of Pretty Little Liars from the minuteĀ it hit the ground, which is why it’s always fun when the show goes all in with these balls-out Hitchcock homages. Like, most people think Hitchcock is scary because of shower stabbings and birds, and yeah, that part is true, but the actual terrifying thing Hitchcock did was ask really unnerving questions about the nature of identity.
Most of his movies, including Rear Window, are about people inventing or reinventing themselves. (Rear Window has the added bonus of other pretty little motifs like voyeurism and the male gaze and the line between sex and violence and the ethics of being an amateur detective.) Marnie is about this woman who is a kleptomaniac but has no sense of self outside of the fact that she’s vain and good at stealing shit. Scottie and Madeleine/Judy wander around Vertigo the whole timeĀ talking about how they don’t know who they are. North By Northwest is about an innocent guy who gets trapped in a mistaken identity situation where everyone else makes terrible decisions for him and he has no autonomy at all. Rear Window wonders what happens to someone when they can no longer do the thing they excelled at most in the world.
So the questions you come away with when you watch Hitchcock are like: Is identity fluid? Is it just a facade? Is who you are as easy as putting masks on top of masks? And if yes, does that mean that who you are, at your deepest place, is just an expanse of ephemeral nothingness? The idea that the youness if you is not rooted in something substantial and enduring is as horrific as the idea of just floating off by yourself into space.
Hanna dealt with this last year, in the most Hanna way possible, which was to: spiral for ten minutes, confront the ghost in the chair, and claw her way back to the top of the mountain to stand in the sunlight, knowing herself and the spiritual fullness of this life even better than she did before. But Mona and Ali are (and hopefully will continue to be!) locked in this battle about who made who, and who is wearing a mask and who is wearing a real face, and how much of their very selves is defined by the people who are standing next to them. Ali told Mona to put on her face every day before school, in that flashback to the lodge the nightĀ Mona rescued AliĀ and sent her away as Vivian Darkbloom, and on the surface that’s makeup and being pretty, right, but the second layer of that is straight up paper faces on parade. Which circles back around to: If you hide your face so the world will never find you, will you ever find yourself?
Okay, now let’s see if you can hold your breath for two full minutes!
This scene is one of the best this show has ever done, not just because it’s creepy as lumpsĀ watching Mrs. D brainwash a small child with threats of abandonment, and not just because Janel and Sasha play so good off each other, and not just because we finally get confirmation that Jessica has stashed away a small Ali-lookalike somewhere, but also because we’re getting to see with our own eyeballs the moment the sapling of Alison’s identity begins to split like an aging willow. And we get to witness it with Mona watching over her shoulder, looking like if Anna never went and rescued Elsa from the woods.
Toby is confined to his wheelchair with a cast and a camera, L.B. Jeffries-style, and while he and Spencer ramble off their plan to break into Ali’s house tonight and rifle through her possessions while the Ice Ball is going strong, Spencer changes into a Santa Claus outfit that seems to indicate that Obama’s War on Christmas is over and sexiness has won. Can you even imagine being Toby Cavanaugh? Getting to a place of such familiarity with Spencer Hastings that she steps out of the closet wearing this and you don’t even need smelling salts? What a life.
I’ve been an awfully good girl, Santa Spencer. (Hurry down the chimney tonight?)
Hanna and Caleb, dressed as matching elves, spread holiday cheer and hard truths at Pastor Ted’s church. Hanna chats to a deaf girl in sign language, then comes right out of the frameĀ when she sees that this one Mean Girl in the crowd is Mean Girling the deaf girl, loud as a Rosewood pharmacist, and encouraging her friends to do the same because the deaf girl can’t hear them. Hanna calls them over and literally says the words “bitches get buried” to these like seven year old children, in church, at Christmas. It’s amazing. It’s perfect. It’s so Hanna. Caleb just stands there and nods, like, “Yep, bitches do get buried” to these small girls. The main Mean Girl acts like she is not scared, so Hanna just glares at her until the girl leaves in a huff. Her friends don’t go with her, though, because Hanna explains to them that when you follow an asshole kid like that around, someone’s going to end up gettingĀ their eyeballs poked out with a firecracker.
I’m dreaming of a scissor-filled Christmas.
At the Shady Pines retirement community, the whole gang gathers to sing carols for Rosewood High Class of 2013. Emily and Paige canoodle adorably and hold hands and snoozle their noses together like eskimo kisses. Paige is wearing a shirt that says “I Go Overboard,” which is like the Paige-est t-shirt in the cosmos. On the back, it’s probably like: #PennyFlavoredCupcakes #NeverForget. Jenna and Sydney are there, and so is Lucas. Ezra also, and this is a conversation he has with Aria:
Ezra: I bought you diamond earrings and a diamond necklace and a dress for the Ice Ball.
Aria: This is slightly more than the gesture we agreed to exchange.
Ezra: I came into several millions dollars when I sold my surveillance equipment back to the CIA.
Aria: I’ll bet your family bought you ponies for Christmas.
Ezra: Yeah, but I only asked forĀ the one.
No, seriously. He says that. He says he only asked for one pony.
Paige is snipping at her mom on the phone about, “No, that’s what you want” and as soon as the words are out of her mouth, you know what’s happening is that her parents have finally decided to be the only parents in RosewoodĀ that actually parent, and shuttleĀ her out of this shitshowĀ of a town. Emily, who has never seen a TV show before and continues to not be as desperate for Paige as I am, for reasons I will never understand, says “sounds like a fun vacation” when Paige says her parents want her to go to California after Christmas. Aria zooms by and points up at the mistletoe, and Paige and Emily kiss, and they still make my heart swell up like a reformed Grinch after all this time.
What a laugh it would have been if Maya would have risen from the grave and walked in wearing a mask of her own face and saw Emily kissing Paige Claus last night!
The Ice Ball is a big charity Christmas party that Alison is throwing to raise money for Homeless Teen Pilots probably, and everyone looks fly as hell, but Emily and Paige look it the most. Paige is wearing a white suit and Emily is wearing a dress that’s like what we’ve talked about before when costume designer Mandi Line must just give up on trying to make Shay Mitchell look like a regular teenage person and not an otherworldly goddess and is just like, “Fine.” And the result is why painters paint and singers sing and poets poet and Paige McCullers doesn’t give one single damn ifĀ living in this hellscape means her whole entire head is going to get set on fire one day whileĀ she is eaten alive by trained wolves.
Last thing I remember is our beautiful bodies grinding up in the club, drunk in looooove.
Tiny Toby is Home Alone, so Spencer breaks from the gang to sit on Lucas Claus’ lap and tell him to be careful tonight because Ali potentially has a group of super-soldiers at her disposal. Then:
Lucas Claus: HO HO HO, LITTLE HASTINGS! SANTA WILL TRY HIS VERY BEST TOā
Spencer: No.
Lucas Claus: [shuts up]
It’s pretty hilarious.
Ali makes a triumphant entrance with four new Liars in tow, all masked up, and the old Liars split up to complete Operation Vanderloot. It’s a terrible plan. Not even the splitting up part, which just Is What It Is at this point, but the part where Hanna and Spencer are going into Ali’s house to ferret out all her hidden trinkets. How do they not know by now that a map to Ali’s hidden trinketsĀ isn’t like: here is a wall safe and here is the combination and viola! here are the documents we need to solve the mystery at hand.
No, it’s like, you go to the place marked on the map and chop through a wall and what you find is a disembodied doll hand, which reminds you of this thing Alison said one time that would have been useful to know back in the pilot episode but you have only just now decided to share it with the class, and that memory leads you to a different place where the claw-like fingers of the disembodied doll hand function as a key, and inside that hidey hole are the rest of the doll parts, and so you assemble the doll back together and finally notice there’s one doll missing from a nearby shelf, so you put it back in its place and when the sun comes through the window at 3:33 p.m., the light hits the reassembled doll in the eyes, and the eyes are actuallyĀ mirrors, and the sunbeam pings around the room and lands on a crawlspace, and inside the crawlspaceĀ āa placeĀ you can only open by giving it a sacrifice of your own blood while standing on one leg and singing the lyrics to “Linger” by the Cranberries, backwardsā is a child’s toy that looks like it’s from an abandoned circus from the 1800s and inside that toy is another, even creepier toy, and inside the even creepier toy is ā YOU’LL NEVER KNOW! Because it took you so long to uncover the actual prize that someone in a hoodie found you and stabbed you in the kidneysĀ with a cleaver!
So anyway, Hanna and Spencer scamper off to do that while the Liars and their partners spread out across the five square-mile auditorium where this dance is being held and creep on Ali.
Your move, Jessica Rabbit.
Ali has no trouble losing them, though. Firstly, she sneaks off into one winter wonderland to snog Officer Holbrook who is dressed like Sexy Santabro. And secondly, she sneaks off into another winter wonderland to trade presents/skin with Cece Drake. Like this:
Is that real yeti fur on your hat?! GIVE ME IT.
Holbrook: I’m a skeeze now like every other male authority figure in this town, so I’m going to wear this shit, call you naughty, and say Ezra’s name in a way that’s grosser than anything anyone has ever said to you.
Aria: Bitches get buried, is what I have heard.
Holbrook:Ā Not me, though! I am a man with power!
Aria: Tell it to Wilden. Tell it to Garrett. Tell it to Cousin Nate.
Holbrook: See you around, little girl.
Aria:Ā ACT NORMAL, BITCH!
Remember when I made up the name “Pigskin” for Paige? Remember when I called Emily “Americano”? I am so good at nicknames.
Ali: Thank you for coming to visit me in the town where you murdered an officer of the law.
Cece: Girl, I brought you some perfume too.
Ali: I’ve been seeing a lot of ghosts, literal ones.
Cece: The first Christmas after losing someone is the toughest.
Ali: Probably not as tough as the last three Christmases I spent gnawing meat off old chicken bones from the trash can at the Greyhound bus station, but I get your point.
Cece: I love me. I mean you. I love you. And me, who is you, and you who are me.
Ali: Merry Christmas, soul sister. Again, I mean that literally.
Meanwhile, Emily follows one of Alison’s new minions into a whole other winter nook. The minion unmasks herself and is Sydney. Also, Jenna. Emily goes, “Well, you I already blinded, Jenna, and Sydney, I think I made it perfectly clear that I will be drowning you when swim season starts back, so what do you want?” They explain that they are working as double agents, getting in good with Ali while also being pretty sure that Ali murdered Mona. Emily says they’re sleeping with the enemy, which is ridiculous, because clearly they are sleeping with each other (despite Sydney bullshitting that she’s not gay). It seems like Sydney and Jenna want to formĀ an alliance with the Liars, but Emily hates their beautiful guts so blorpin’ much. It’s not going to happen.
The killing of a guy never bothered me anyway.
When Ali and Cece try to maneuver their way out of the building, Lucas and Paige give chase from one side and Emily and Aria give chase from the other. What they find is that Ali has dressed Mindy and Cindy in Ali masks and they are her robots now.
Things are going equally effectively over at Ali’s, which is to say: impotently. Hanna and Spencer crawl around in the dark whispering for a while, while Toby looks on from the window of Spencer’s bedroom with his telephoto lens. They find one of Ali’s many passports, this one for a lady named Holly Varjak, like if Holly married Paul in Breakfast at Tiffany’s*, andĀ in the basement, Hanna hits the jackpot: There’s an archery certificate that proves Ali has been training for The Hunger Games, a Mad Hatter jack-in-the-box that leads to a stack of box hats that contain a bunch of mad letters from Bethany Young. Just:Ā “Hey, Al! Can’t wait to break out of the asylum and hang out this Labor Day weekend trying on yellow tank tops and hanging around in your backyard!”
But Hanna’s time runs out because A is in the house, brandishing a kitchen knife, lurking all around. Spencer gets so freaked out that she breaks a picture of Mrs. D and crafts herself a quicky shiv. Also, Hanna left her phone upstairs so it’s not like Spencer can textĀ toĀ tell her to make a break for it. And so Toby wheels around in circles in his chair in Spencer’s bedroom and cries and makes the most terrified faces and flashes his camera flash to try to get Hanna’sĀ attention. But nothing works. A bonks HannaĀ on the head, flies out the window into the night like Toby’s mom on top of a Radley roof, and you want to know the worst part? That goddamn burlap baby zombie is watching from the corner. That thing gives me the heebie jeebies like no other.
Always the court gesture, never the Nancy Drew.
*Spencer says Ali chose “Holly Varjak” as an alias because of aĀ Breakfast at Tiffany‘s (movie) fantasy she’s playing out in her head about her and Ezra, but I don’t believe that for a nanosecond. I don’t think Ali believes in happy endings or thinks she deserves a happy ending and I think if she identifies with anything about Holly Golightly it’s the inability to commit or even name things she loves. So, I don’t reckonĀ that passport is Alison’s, no siree.
The Liars and their girlfriends/boyfriends meet up at Spencer’s house to talk about how if Ali knew Bethany, probably that means Spencer won’t go to jail for murder, based on whatever waggle saggle Rosewood law. They are all sad for a little whileĀ that a blizzard has arrived and they will be away from their parentsĀ for the first Christmas ever, but then they remember that they don’t have parents and everything is okay. But like super okay. Super duper okay to the max. Because the Liars’ partners put on a little sexy fashion show for them, and guess who also gets herself some Santa boxers? Paige McCullers.
And this will be a sign unto you. You will find a lesbian, wrapped in Santa boxers, standing on a staircase.
When this picture started making the rounds on Monday, everyone was just losing their minds in a pants-flaming way, but let me tell you what I did. I looked at it and I burst into tears. I could tell you right now, off the top of my head, a full list of every queer female TV character in history, what show she was on, what she did with her life, what her appearance meant in the broader scheme of lesbian/bi visibility, what the social impact was of her character, how that character birthed whatever new crop of characters. That’s my job and that’s my brain and I’ve been doing it since forever. Never, ever did I ever think we’d get to a place in my lifetime where a lesbian TV character would be treated with so much affection and dignity and respect that her girlfriend would fit in as seamlessly as all the boyfriends on the show. It’s sweet, yes. But it’s sexy, too. And it’s no big deal in Rosewood, and that’s a big fucking deal in the real world.
So’s this next part, this montage of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” when the Liars come together with their found familyĀ and bake a feast and say grace and hold hands and laugh and smile and cuddle and toast and all the things all the best Christmas movies do, and Paige and Emily are there doing it to, and it’s not a Thing? It just Is? Damn, y’all.Ā What a Christmas miracle.
Die Hard! Cheers!
You know how when you’re gay, you don’t think about being gay. It’s not like you wake up and gay-kiss your girlfriend and gay-hold her hand on the train and gay-hug her when she gets home from work and gay-play with her hair while you gay-cuddle and watch Netflix? It’s just what you do because it’s what people do? It’s hard to watch TV like that as a queer woman because we have been so underrepresented and fucked over in so many ways from so many directions for so long that you just want to cast protection spells around these queer characters the whole time an episode is on, to keepĀ them safe from other characters, from writers, from showrunners and networks and stupid fans. Pretty Little Liars is the only show I have ever watched that doesn’t make me feel like I am gay-watching TV. It doesn’t even make me feel like I’m watching TV. It makes me feel like when TV was just a magic box that pulled me in like the force of a TARDIS and transported me to a whole different world.
So yeah, dudes. I cried about that picture. I cried during this whole montage. I cried when Paige said her parents are making her leave school early to move to California where teenage girls have more than a four percent chance of not being buried in Veronica Hastings’ garden. I can’t even deal with that part right now.
Spring semester is still ten years away, though, right? At least we have one more decade of senior year together.
The Ghost of Christmas Cataclysm visits Ali one last time. I think it’s the last time. I honestly wouldn’t mind if Mona shows up like this in every episode. This scene is straight out of The Christmas Carol, even though Ali is very much not Scrooge at all and actually has a lot more in common with Miss Havisham in terms of Dickensian buddies. But whatever. Another thousand words for another time. Anyway, so Mona teleports them to the church andĀ AliĀ sees herself dead in a casket,Ā with no legs. Then it gets EVEN WORSE because Mrs. D shows up, tells her “they’re” coming for her, and also that she is going to hell. (“We were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way.”)
Then poor Ali wakes up and goes to Spencer’s and peeks in the window at the Merry Little Christmas of all her friends. It’s so sad! Probably she was happier chewing on those trash canĀ chicken bones!
Yes, I SHOULD have won Dancing With the Stars. Thank you.
The Liars holiday reverie is interrupted by someone they think is Santa, but actually is someone else in a red coat, who has trimmed a tree for them and left them a holiday greeting.
Keep the change, ya filthy animal.
A super huge enormous mega holiday-sized thank you to Nicole (@PLLBigA) for the screencaps. She’s got the goods on season 5B, if you follow her on the Twitter machine!
The best thing about Pretty Little Liars is the #BooRadleyVanCullen community, which is honestly just the smartest, funniest, silliest queer women in the internet live-tweeting the greatest show of all time. Here are some of the awesomest tweets from Tuesday night.
Ali wakes up screaming Mona's name. Hanna pops in, rolling her eyes, & says "join the club!" #BooRadleyVanCullen
— World of Tilt (@worldoftilt) December 10, 2014
Nothing like chipper holiday music to make you feel like something dreadful is going to happen. #PLLChristmAs #BooRadleyVanCullen #PLL
— Pretty Little Liars (@LittleLiars) December 10, 2014
NO. PAIGE IS STAYING RIGHT THERE WITH EMILY. OR EMILY IS GOING WITH HER & WE GET A SPINOFF. I WILL ACCEPT NOTHING ELSE. #BooRadleyVanCullen
— Carolyn (@adrblepancreas) December 10, 2014
https://twitter.com/tylynn_sings/status/542498204516769792
I would have handcuffed Spencer to my side for this excursion. Or for always, but especially for this. #PLLChristmAs #BooRadleyVanCullen
— Valerie Anne (@PunkyStarshine) December 10, 2014
Mirror mirror on the wall, who should I frame to take the fall. #BooRadleyVanCullen
— Jenn (@Jennirrific) December 10, 2014
There's a nursing home? People actually live until old age in Rosewood? I don't believe it. #BooRadleyVanCullen
— king valkyrie (@HeatherBlakely) December 10, 2014
I have a very special "gesture" for Ezra (spoiler alert: it's my middle finger). #BooRadleyVanCullen
— Lucy Hallowell (on hiatus) (@lucyhallowell) December 10, 2014
https://twitter.com/Moreh_SC/status/542484389423501312
During #BooRadleyVanCullen #PLL tonight my house could probably go up in flames around me and I would only notice once the TV blew up.
— Worst Year, Gayer Nic (@CloneNic) December 10, 2014
None of this shit would have happened if someone just flipped on a damn light switch. #PLL #BooRadleyVanCullen
— Nic (@njnic23) December 10, 2014
"Bitches get buried." I would 100% entrust any future children I have with Hanna Marin. #BooRadleyVanCullen
— Jenna (@jennalykes) December 10, 2014
I just realized how amazing that scene on the stairs was with the three guys and Paige. We've come a long way, gaybies. #booradleyvancullen
— Linster (@thelinster) December 10, 2014
"How do you fit all that information in one head?" Uh because Spencer's brain is Hermione's enchanted bag come to life. #BooRadleyVanCullen
— Theodora (@TheodoraG13) December 10, 2014
It's really a head trip when you consider the fact that Ali's future and past BOTH involve her dead in a coffin. #BooRadleyVanCullen #PLL
— Allison (@peachesT3CH) December 10, 2014
"I'm not gay." Well, you would be in the minority in Rosewood, Sidney. #BooRadleyVanCullen #PLL
— Dany (@XanDany) December 10, 2014
Yeah because making clone friends is the best way to convince original friends you're not shady as hell Ali #booradleyvancullen
— nerdy (@nerdgirlwalking) December 10, 2014
https://twitter.com/kayteedeeisme/status/542493692557131776
Dude that mask maker probably could buy a beach house with all the masks Ali has bought from him #BooRadleyVanCullen #PLLChristmAs
— #embarrassing (@guiltyplzre) December 10, 2014
There goes another mark in my Aria just might be A tally. #BooRadleyVanCullen #PLL
— TaintedIdealist (@taintedidealist) December 10, 2014
https://twitter.com/its_whitney/status/542494172406509568
Sleuthing is not very successful when you stomp towards someone in 6 inch heels…. #PLL #BooRadleyVanCullen
— Kim (@kaplyn0521) December 10, 2014
https://twitter.com/Vandermarin/status/542498687352451073
Pretty Little Liars returns in what will surely be a blaze of winter glory on January 9th!
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Oh, how I have missed your recaps, Heather. Personally, I think they were trying to combine the normal Halloween special with a Christmas special, to make a new one- the Christmoween special. There were masks, ghosts, and of course a MAZE. Because that’s totally what I have at my winter holiday party.
I really hope that Paige isn’t gone for good- I can’t tell you the impact she has had on not only myself, but of all the baby queers out there who finally get to see themselves in media.
I kinda felt this episode was all over the place or rather no where at all. It was 45 minutes into it and nothing had happened. And somehow it felt really rushed but not actually rushing to get anywhere if that makes any sense.
Also, it’s great to see Paige, after 5 seasons, finally be included with the significant others but they’re about to ship her off so I feel like that kind negates that achievement. Like, why can’t she be involved like the other significant others in the mystery of this show? Do MK and co literally have no idea what to do with her? Also, why even bring Paige and Emily back together, literally an episode ago, to then ship her off to California? Just all seems kind of like lazy writing.
I listened to the wonderful podcast you did, Heather, with JacobTWOP and BrosWatchPLLToo and I thought what you said about Paige(and Lindsey) occupying this weird space where she is not included with the guys because the show is heavily marketed to straight teen girls but also not with the girls (because she’s not a liar) was so on point, and I feel like the decision to send Paige off the California just re-enforces it.
Heather and Jacob have a podcast together? Is it Christmas already? :) Thanks for the heads up. I don’t listen to any PLL podcast because I hardly watch and merely ship Paily. But Heacob (or Jather) is definely worth a click on iTunes.
BTW, hello Heather! Glad I found you again. Wishing you all the best in your new career here. Always a pleasure to read you.
JEM AND THE HOLOGRAMS ZOMBIE TRIBUTE BAND. We need to start that band.
Excellent recap, Heather! There was snark, there was comedy, there was philosophizing, there was emotion, it was just an all around good time. Thanks for always bringing your A game. ;)
I have so many Ali related feelings after this episode! It was so good! I want to write an Ali character study, but instead I’m just going to spew some disorganized thoughts all over this comments section. Okay? Okay.
I may stand alone in this, but I think this episode was helping to set up Ali as the hero of this show. She will be the one to save them all. At this point, it almost seems like the Liars are obstacles in her way, or perhaps they are on some never ending scavenger hunt that Ali has set up for them in order to keep them occupied and out of her way. More so in this episode than any other, I got a strong feeling that the Liars are just puppets, that this story is not about them and has never been about them.
Ali has some back story that we don’t know about, that we’ve only gotten the tiniest of hints about, that makes her who she is. Defines her in a way that she hasn’t been able to completely comprehend, and yet she understands herself better than most people do. We started to get some hints into the back story in this ep with Mama DiLaurentis and the creepy Christmas presents, but I think there’s so much more to it. We’re just scratching the surface.
There’s no way this show can just be about mean girl Ali torturing people who she called her best friends just because she can. There’s not way this can be as simple as Ali being psychotic and cruel. Sure, she’s damaged. And she’s going to go about things in a way that most people wouldn’t. But it’s because it’s the only way she knows how.
To me, there are three levels of Ali minions in this episode:
-Cindy, Mindy, Sydney and Jenna are her current puppets. She’s using them as part of her plan, as decoys when she needs them, as errand runners, as spies, everything. Sure, Sydney and Jenna think they’re playing double agent on Ali, but I won’t be shocked at all to find out that Ali knows this, and is using that to her advantage.
-The Liars themselves. The Liars used to be the current puppets. Now they’ve reached some level of awareness to what’s going on, so Ali can’t use them like that anymore. Ali’s not willing to share her plan with them, though, because for some reason she doesn’t trust them to not screw it up. This could be about their general level of competence, as perceived by Ali. Or it could be that she doesn’t think they’ll understand the big picture, that they won’t be able to do what’s necessary in order to reach whatever Ali’s ultimate goal is.
– Cece. Cece is much closer to Ali than any other minions. She knows much more of the plan and Ali’s backstory. Still not everything, but she knows more. Ali seems to trust Cece more than she trusts other people, and I think it’s because they are so much alike. Cece understands when you have to make cutthroat decisions to serve the greater good, so Ali will let her in a little bit more.
There’s no doubt that Ali uses people to get things done in the way she needs to. And yeah, some people are going to judge her for that, but it’s just her way of trying to protect the people that she thinks are innocent.
I could be setting myself up for great disappointment here. Because to me, what I now need to see from the rest of PLL is the unveiling of how Ali became who she is, and how her plan is working to save her friends and other innocent bystanders from whatever the real evil happens to be. BUT, I don’t think it will need to be told in such a way that reveals Ali to be a hero in the traditional sense of the word. She’s doing bad things. But she’s doing them the best way she knows how.
Or maybe Ali’s just A and I’m full of it. :)
– Oh come on. We all know that if Mona came back from the dead to haunt someone, it would be Hanna.
– Apparently Cece’s costume is Ke$ha.
– “I’m not gay Emily.” I don’t believe you. Jenna’s good at spotting a baby gay, and she’s got you on her gaydar.
– The twins names are Mindy and Cindy.
– That archery award has got to be foreshadowing to something later in the season.
– I call bull**** on Hanna leaving her phone there. Normally she would have to have it surgically amputated to leave it somewhere.
While it’s so SO great that Paige fit in seamlessly with the boyfriends on the show in that one bit, it is endlessly disturbing to me who else fit in seamlessly with the boyfriends: that one boyfriend who is an ADULT and their TEACHER. Like he’s seriously just publicly a high school student’s boyfriend and hanging out in seductive outfits with a bunch of high school kids (some of whom are his students) and nobody bats an eye. And if I’m not mistaken, he’s even technically still employed by that high school.
It’s kind of exhausting. I’m not naive, I get that as a viewer we just have to accept that this statutory rapist and stalker is a heartthrob and we’re meant to see him that way. Hoping for anything else is a losing battle. But I love SO much about this show, and that one component makes it impossible to feel good about that. So frustrating.
Eugh, YES! Ezra hanging out in his underwear with seven of his students is the grossest thing to ever happen. I STILL can’t believe the show is endorsing a student/teacher relationship (shouldn’t parents be complaining and shutting that shit down?) and struggle sometimes with being a fan of this show because of it.
While I am in the camp that believes Aria is A, my sister has a theory that Aria is doing the same thing Ezra did: she became A to write a “true crime” novel, and that is why they are the perfect couple.
YES. I just watched this, and was so utterly skeeved by everything about Ezra that I could hardly enjoy Paige. AND I LOVE PAIGE. Ezra, you ruin everything.
Now all I want for Christmas is Paige to come back! :'( But I don’t think this is the end for Paily. Joseph Dougherty just wrote ANOTHER Paily fanfic on Amazon Worlds so I have no doubts how much he loves her.
BUT HOW DID BOTH RECAPS FORGET TO MENTION THE LOVE EYES ALI AND CECE GAVE EACH OTHER?!?!? THEY ARE IN LOVE (as in love as two heartless zombie ninja ghosts can be)
either that or MRS D and Mr H are populating the entire rosewood area.
Miss Havisham? I’ve always seen Ali as Estella, and Emily as her Pip. She wants to love her but the capacity to love anyone has been trained out of her by, well according to this episode Mrs. D. Or maybe, according to this episode, Cece is her Pip.
Well I just put seasons one to four on my amazon wish list because having only seen one and two before it got canned over here I need me some more Paily in my life especially if the recaps will lack them because they’re sending Paige away. Stupid show. Amazing recap as ever.
Loved this recap, Heather!
Paige and Emily in this episode ::swoon::
I also felt like nothing happened in this episode, I thought it was a bunch of of running around and the liars and Paige looking hot. But what you said about identity and the scene about the creepy Christmas gifts, I was like “Well, shit. I’ve never thought about this before.” So thanks for writing that and making me see something differently.
The whole time they were stuck at Spencer’s house, I kept thinking, “Aren’t they all neighbors?! Doesn’t Emily live like down the street?” I mean, I knew they needed an excuse to all be together but it felt like they’re all fucking twenty-five and having a holiday party at someone’s apartment. Like if they were real teenagers (minus creepy Ezra) they’d be on the internet watching cat videos, listening to music, and eating Hot Cheetos. Idk.
I’m certain Holbrook is not who Ali was kissing. Their not gonna repeat the Cop being evil thing.
The whole ting about telling Ali she’s going to Hell really bothered me. Reminds me of what lats year I hated how AHS Coven ended and how TVD ended Katherine’s story-lines.
The Gothic horror of the 18th and 19th centuries was usually written by Universalists.
I simply prefer the horror to end when the character dies, leave the after life out of it please.
I don’t know, early Gothic involves loads of religion and conservatism and impending possibility of hell. Or maybe I’m just focusing on this too much because I’m currently adapting ‘The Monk’ into a play. But it did feel a bit random on Mrs D’s part. They’ve mentioned supernatural stuff…but heaven / hell has never come up in this show. I feel like it was supposed to be Ali’s internalised guilt…if she can still feel that. Like she’s her own God, but has a niggling doubt because she’s sort of in her own hell at the moment. Like “why this is hell, nor am I out of it”. Okay…so I need to stop treating TV like literature…
An insightful, hilarious, poignant, literary, brilliant recap of a brilliant, dense, layered episode. After rewatching and rereading I am still trying to wrap my head around both. The A Tale of Two Cities quote in this context to address this situation? If I didn’t love you already …. I would take am Ezra Fitz graduate school level course analyzing this episode and this recap.
I love pailey as well as emison. I keep routing for aly, but she sure makes it hard sometimes. This episode was the definition of overhype. It went by fast, and not much happened. However, every scene that was centered around emily was either super cute or revealing of other characters love interests. The boxer scene was hot.
Well this was a masterpiece.
-I guess its no wonder that abuse of teen girls is everyday business in this town. I mean the school system literally doesnt care when a teacher atends a ball as one of its students date.
-Anyone else wondering what kind of bond do alison and cece have? I mean why are they so close that cece is willing to risk being arrested to confort her friend.
– When I saw the naked santas pic, I assumed it was part of a fantasy, dream, ghos of christmas, but it was full on real life rosewood. Honestly, I thought it was kinda ridiculous.
– I thought it was interesting the recap didnt mention the “was she kissing a boy or a girl?” part of the evening. Other than that the recap was wonderful.
Heather! I love your PLL recaps so much.
That bit about Hanna and Spencer searching Ali’s house for clues? That PERFECTLY sums up the experience of watching this show: it’s an insane premise to begin with, but each episode/step sort of makes sense on its own, so you can keep going, but taken all together, there is NO WAY you could ever have figured out the master plan because it is just TOO RIDICULOUS AND ABSURD!
Well, here I am registering an account at another website so I can wax poetical about your recaps… :)
All “plot” (I say this dubiously) aside, can PLL just take a permanent Ravenswood-ish turn and let ghost!Mona stick around? I love that girl, dead or alive. But especially with her dead hair.
I stopped watching PLL after the season 4 finale because I could no longer really suspend my disbelief, as they say. But! then I read this recap, just for old times’ sake, and was reminded of how wonderful your PLL recaps are. So this past week I marathoned all of season 5, mostly because I missed reading the recaps. You have so many smart, insightful things to say about this show, which absolutely enhances my enjoyment of it :)
I hopped onto AfterEllen to get my PLL recap and read a whole page without learning a new GRE word, or being asked to analyze text at a masters-lit-student level and I hadn’t yet laughed out loud or cried and I thought- did HHogan even write this? No. The answer was no. So I did some sleuthing of my own and ended up here. Thank goodness you’re not gone- talk about a Christmas present that you didn’t even know you needed!