We begin with Ali in a gayphone (that was a typo but it’s going to stay) in who-knows-where, talking to Shana. She needs help with a mission, we have no idea what she means. Ali looks really upset and desperate.

I don’t know where I am, they said something about a Bogus Journey or Excellent Adventure or something, I just know they travel by phone booth.

Hey, don’t look now, but some cute girl with an undercut is checking you out, Aria.

We find out that the payphone Shana is on is conveniently located in The Rear Window Brew (or whatever they’re calling it now), because payphones are just everywhere in Rosewood these days, apparently.

The Liars use this opportunity to discuss how much they hate Shana.

Spence, we’re here today because we love you and we want to see you healthy.

Hanna begins to try to convince the rest of the group to stop looking for A, because A “played post office” with her teeth (I still find the teeth thing so disturbing). I’m really digging this new Chuck Taylor kick Spence is on. She is fidgety and a mess, and the other Liars just chalk it up to stress. All but Hanna. You know it’s going to be an interesting episode when Hanna is the one on the ball.

Let’s get down to business to defeat the Huuuuuuns.

This is Spencer.

Spencer goes to grad school.

This is Spencer Hastings on drugs. She is far more intense than anyone else on drugs that I know, that’s for sure. That ponytail routine killed me.

Spoken-Word Slam Nite, tell all ur frends.

She googles Ezra Fitz Ravenswood, doesn’t find anything but something on Hollis College’s website.

Without the context of drug use, this text looks a lot more euphemistic.

She texts Andrew for some more pills, but he says he’s all out. Hmm. What’s a girl to do?

Let’s beat that dead horse some more, ya’ll!

We magically fly through space to land in Ezra’s soundproof classroom where Aria and Ezra are planning to elope.

Your lack of foreplay just isn’t doing it for me anymore, Ezra.

Just kidding. They’re just planning a cabin trip. At first Aria’s like “I got shit to do,” but then Ezra guilt trips her and manipulates her into saying she’ll go. This appears to be a healthy relationship dynamic imho.

If I were the type of person to add -gasm onto the end of a word, I’d label this a shoegasm.

Hanna’s loading some evidence boxes into her car, which I’m assuming happens in real life? Can anyone confirm whether or not they have ever had legitimate boxes labelled EVIDENCE in their trunk? She finds her shoes and clutches them. That’s our Hanna. She’s finally back.

She flirts a bit with Officer Holbrook, and can we just be honest here? Is this a circle of trust? They have great chemistry. I’m hoping he isn’t just trying to kill her, like every other potential love interest on this show.

Really? You think the RodeoH is that great? I found the stretchiness kind of hard to control. We could try again later, though.

Emily stalks Shana and wants to know where Ali is. Shana’s not having it, pretending like she can’t give Ali messages from Emily. It’s a weird scene. This show has just turned into a bunch of weird scenes.

Look, I’m just saying that o.b. is the only kind I’ll use.

Fiiiiinally someone calls out Hanna for hanging out with Officer Holbrook, I mean Gabe, so much. Hanna says, “We’re just like book club buddies without the monthly meetings.” We’ve all used this line before, am I right?

And this Diva Cup kick you’re on isn’t cute anymore.

The most angelic looking drug deal I’ve ever seen.

Meanwhile, sketchy and addicted Spencer is stalking through the halls, ready to turn into a METH: NOT EVEN ONCE PSA at any given moment. She happens upon a girl in a cardigan who hands out drugs. She gives her $50 for some pills. My sister, while watching this scene: “This is stupid. Your dealer doesn’t make fun of you.” I cannot confirm nor deny the legitimacy of this statement.

More deadness in the eyes, Troian. More deadness.

Ezra catches Spencer and is mad about an essay that Spencer phoned in. Spencer is trying to act like she doesn’t give a fuck about the essay, but seriously, I think the acting direction in this scene for both Ezra and Spencer was, “Just open your eyes as wide as you can and blankly stare at one another.”

Signature move: nailed it.

Ezra tells Spencer that if she isn’t careful and she ends up with sloppy work, she’ll end up suffering. Then he makes the iconic Ezra face without lips, so we know he’s really serious.

Hydration is super important, I’m glad Jesse is wise to my #1 cause.

Aria goes to Jesse, the high school counselor/psychologist/new hottie in town hey ladies, to talk about her anger and other feelings.

I wouldn’t say I’m Grandmaster Kasparov but I know my way around a board, thanks.

She ends up realizing that her boyfriend is a manipulative jerk and freaks out, then runs out of his office. Totally natural, don’t even worry about it.

Actually this search just pulled up “About 3,770,000 results” for me so maybe Spencer’s Google machine is broken.

Spencer tries googling “Ezra Fitzgerald Ravenswood” and pretends not to be home while Hanna and Emily sit outside her house, as one does when concerned about a friend.

The only thing that would make this look more suspicious would be whistling.

While staking out/not staking out (debatable) Spencer’s house, they see Shana coming out of Ali’s house. Dun dun dun.

Caption this for me, I would never be able to do it enough justice.

Convenient plot twist alert!

Ezra steals Spencer’s student file and finds that she has a prescription for ADHD.

No, see, it’s obvious why Aria’s dating a guy like you, Ezra.

He almost gets caught by Mr. Let’s-Talk-About-Feelings Jesse. I’m feeling suspicious of this duo and of Jesse’s role in this show in general.

Signature move part 2: Crushed it.

Well, that ADHD prescription is just so super convenient that Ezra even does his no-lips face of approval.

Pretty Little Liars: perfect hair even in dumb pajamas.

Shana comes to Emily’s  house late at night, as one does, and we see a photographer staking out the place.

Totally inconspicuous, don’t you worry your pretty little head.

This will be important later, take note.

Ali always said, “with enough lube, anything’s possible, really.”

Shana walks into Emily’s place like she’s been there before, because she probably has, and starts messing with all of her stuff. Oh, she also asks Emily to break into Ali’s house and steal something for Ali, nbd.

That anonymous sex toy review isn’t going to write itself, Spencer.

Back in the After-School-Special part of this show, Spencer is still looking bananas, staring at her computer.

Sorry, I can’t even focus on the plot because I’m way more interested in how nice Ezra’s old studio is.

Seems she has found where Ezra lived in Ravenswood, in a super nice studio for rent, only “$795/mo w/One full bath.” Check out those hardwood floors. Can’t imagine why he’d want to leave.

Maybe if we all wish hard enough, Jessica Biel will jump out in that see-through white tank top again.

Over on the set of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Aria is looking like she’s going to leave Ezra.

Welp, there’s no not-awkward way of going about this, so.

Her bags are packed, she’s ready to go. She’s sick of lying to her friends. He, surprise surprise!, manipulates her into staying.

Oh the sweet, desperate feeling of settling.

Hey let’s just fight in public where everyone can watch us including the persons trying to murder us.

Hanna confronts Spencer on the street because today looks like a nice day for a public brawl, don’t you agree? But Spencer is on a mission, ugh, GOSH HANNA, and storms off. Of course Officer Holbro-I mean, Gabe, sees this because he is now conveniently EVERYWHERE, and he’s just watching them, standing there with what I hope are donuts. He asks Hanna what that was all about, but does anyone even know what that was all about?

I had never considered a May-December thing before, but Emily if that’s what you really want…

Emily is crawling around on the floor at Ali’s house under the guise of looking for her lost earrings, which I thought was a genius excuse. Nice work, Em. And they said you were the weak link? Pssh. What do they know?

Shana instructed her that the money would be behind the movie poster of some twins (which is a nice touch for anyone who has read the books, just saying).

Barite Volante? I’m having a hard time deciphering loopy teen girl handwriting.

There, Emily finds a TON of money, and also some email addresses and a New York phone number.

There’s actually zero reason for me to include this picture in this recap, I just needed you to see Jessica make this face.

Surely I’ll be the only one to bring hummus to the lesbian potluck.

Ezra lies to Aria to go get her to buy some chick peas, which I thought was maybe the weirdest scene, like if you lie to your girlfriend to get her to go buy something, why would you grab it out of the cupboard immediately after she leaves? Just hide it behind some other canned goods and act dumb if they find it, duh. Gosh, Ezra, do I have to teach you everything about being seedy or what?

Sweet porn setup, bro.

While Aria is gone, Ezra and his super unfortunate cargo shorts go into his little trap door, down to – WAIT FOR IT – his A lair! There’s some maps, a triple monitor situation, and a whole lot of creepiness.

The PLL prop designers are killin’ it on User-Friendly Email Announcements.

Forever Intern Grace sent some episode screenshots over to Ezra, too.

He pulls up a bunch of pictures of the liars, including one of Officer Holbrook, which is leading me to believe that Officer Holbrook might not be bad?

I don’t know, there’s like 80 A’s at this point, I’m not convinced ANYONE is good.

What kind of lens length does this photographer have, for serious?

Better than a box of pasta. No, wait, nope, still not an okay idea.

Meanwhile Emily is hiding a million dollars in a bag of coffee grounds are you fucking kidding me I can’t even at all.

Word of wisdom to PLL characters: don’t get into your dark car alone at night.

And Shana gets attacked in her car, so Emily can’t get ahold of her to give her the money for Ali! I can see this ending badly.

For once, someone actually takes confidential information realistically in this show.

Hanna pulls a really solid lie about nail polish to get into Spencer’s room and finds that Spencer has been googling Ezra Fitz a lot. She also finds an email that Spencer wrote to the property management company.

Apparently I live in Fitz’s apartment building.

Spencer is in Ravenswood, about to be really dumb and break into Fitz’s old apartment when literally no one else is there and no one even KNOWS she’s there in case of emergency. Luckily, Hanna finds her there and tells her how stupid that is, and says what we’ve all basically been thinking for four seasons:

Aria is the world’s deepest sleeper.

Ezra is spying on them from a hidden camera and also a tablet, apparently, and also spying on his sleeping girlfriend to make sure she doesn’t suspect a thing.

You’d think for a psycho stalker, Ezra could hide his cameras better?

Spencer notices that there’s a camera outside of Ezra’s apartment and they bail. Wise.

I’m glad even Ezra is on-board with just being obviously creepy and scary at this point in the show.

Back at the Murderville Cabin, Aria wakes up and walks around the house to find Ezra, who just pops out of the shadows like he’s fucking Maleficent or something.

Spencer and Hanna meet up with Emily, where they discuss the idea that Ezra is A.

Everyone thinks it’s crazy. Hanna basically nails this one:

I’m sorry, Em, I can’t do that on command for ANY amount of money.

Emily shows them the money she found in Ali’s room. I’m surprised Spencer isn’t on the phone with that number immediately.

Ali found the ONE pink glowing telephone booth in all of PA.

We zoom back to the payphone, where Ali is calling Shana, asking her if she got the money.

Poorly designed graffiti reads: You’re now leaving DON’T of Rosewood

Shana, who has been attacked and left unconscious in her car, is like “NOPE I AM OUT” after waking up to see a spraypainted sign saying not to come back to Rosewood. I can’t even blame her. I’d peace out, too.

All of that cash wouldn’t fit in Ali’s wallet anyway, it’s for the best.

I keep photos of all of my estranged friends in my wallet, too.

Ali pulls out the rest of her cash, which isn’t much, looks at a picture of her with Spencer and Emily in their days of yore, and then hops onto a bus.

Yeah but where is she departing FROM?

I’m assuming she’s going to either Chicago or Philadelphia that late, considering the bus schedule.

Ali’s on a BUS did you hear that Ali got on a BUS guess how Ali is travelling yeah it’s by BUS

I felt really bad for Ali during this part, I’ll confess. She’s panicked. She’s really got nowhere else to go.

All signs point to SUPER CREEP

In an A lair (I say “an” because it doesn’t appear to be Ezra’s cabin lair), we see Jason’s (or Ali’s, supposedly) pictures of Aria, a black and white movie (can anyone tell what it is?).

‘memba him? The inappropriate British one who wants to date ALL the womens?

We also see a whole bunch of prescription pads from one Dr. Wren Kingston, which I think will be backfiring on Spencer pretty soon.

What did we learn?:

– Spencer has a prescription for ADHD drugs on file at the school nurse. This seems like it may be important. Will Ezra drug her like A did with Emily’s steroid cream thing?

– Ali is getting on a bus to an unknown destination with no money.

– Ezra is being helped by someone with a nice camera.

– Ezra’s lair is in the Murderville cabin.

– A has Wren’s prescription pads.

And I think we can all agree that we have basically ten million more questions. Next week looks like we’ll have a 1940s Noir thing going on?

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