Congrats! You’ve made it to the sixteenth episode of the fourth season of the most ridiculously complicated show since Lost: Pretty Little Liars!

Seriously Emily, a hammer is what you chose to bring to this knife fight?

We begin right where we left off in the last episode, with the Liars on their way to the Busy Bee Inn. This time they brought weapons. I really like that Emily chose a hammer and Spencer has a lacrosse stick. A hammer would really fuck someone up, for serious. But! They get there and the window is broken. Seems like A got there before them? Or someone staged a scene?

A has a really wide range of handwriting samples.

The door closes and says “You’re Too Late – A” because of course it does.

No, I don’t see anyone with pitchforks yet, but I brought this pie just in case.

In a really strange segue, we are transported back to Rosewood and in fact, inside of a church, where Emily is carrying around some baked goods. Apparently the church now has altar candles. Emily’s getting her spirituality on when some black sneakers come on in. Dun dun dun.

Uh, these boxers are totally mine, Dad.

But nope, we’re not going to see who it is, because we have a really boring storyline to catch up on. Spencer is at Toby’s wearing Toby’s ugly underthings because apparently pajamas didn’t fit in her carry-on. She opens the door to show her father that she probably just got done with sexytimes, and he’s not impressed.

The beginning of the new “Not Impressed” meme background.

I don’t think anything impresses Peter Hastings anymore.

We learn in this scene that Jason fell off the wagon and is back in rehab. And then Peter Hastings says the show’s unofficial tagline:

Hey baby, I washed the dildo but that leather harness is going to be tough– oh heeeey, Mr. Hastings.

We hop, skip and jump on over to Ezra’s apartment, where Aria just lives now because that’s appropriate, where we find Aria wearing a peplum dress designed by Lisa Frank.

Brought to you by Lisa Frank and one thousand rainbow spotted leopards.

Ezra’s like “I’m meeting a college buddy in Philly today” and Aria gets a nice text from Jake saying he can’t wait to see her.

Someone you’re breaking up with sends you this text: you’re fucked. They are so going to cry and beg you to stay and it’s going to be reeeeeal awkward.

That’s the worst, when you’re trying to break up with someone and they keep being nice to you. I feel for Aria here. Oh wait, no, I don’t, because Ezra is legitimately so terrible and obviously a creepy liar and she won’t take off her “We’ve been an inappropriate couple for so long!” glasses. She says something cliche about Ezra being the one, blah blah blah, no one cares about this relationship working out anymore, clearly.

So, for school today, I’m thinking this and over-the-knee boots? No? Not enough? But Aria would wear it.

We pause everything dramatic to have a nice moment where Hanna is having the typical Post-Breakup Closet Purge, which is a vital step in the recovery process. But Hanna’s about to go bananas in this episode, so stay tuned.

Emily’s go-to expression: Deer In The Headlights.

We’re back at church! Emily gets locked in, she hears creepy noises, basically every PLL cue that something anticlimactic is going to happen where there’s a huge misunderstanding, like Buzzcut appearing in the doorway at the end of the last episode. But this time, Shana shows up.

What’s shady about silently entering this church while you’re alone and sneaking up behind you after locking all the doors? Why would you possibly be freaked out?

You will remember Shana from the B-Team of Melissa, Jenna and Shana evil-doings, and also as Paige’s ex. Apparently Shana and Ali were friends from childhood because she lived next door to Ali’s grandmother in South Carolina. So now Ali has asked Shana to come help her. Do we honestly believe this?

Deer In The Headlights. I told you.

Shana has had something with Jenna AND Paige, if she is from South Carolina, how does she spend so much time in Rosewood? Does she go to school here now? Would you move cross country for a gir– Waaaaaait. Well. I don’t know. Nothing in this show even bothers to make sense at this point.

Some srs side eye going on here.

Toby has a gag? He’s suddenly way more interesting. Peter Hastings mentions that there’s some stuff about Toby’s mom’s past that could get brought up. Wonder what that’s all about?

I just don’t understand why Ezra gets to top in all these threesome fanfics.

You ready for the awkward breakup moment of the episode? Aria pops into the gym to say s’later to Jake, which is really awkward in real life as well as in this show. Why do I feel bad for Jake? Why do I feel like Jake is the only not-crazy love interest in this show? That said, he’s also the “Nice Guy” type, which is really just a mask for “In one and a half seasons there’s going to be a plot twist about me being A.” She breaks it off, then pulls the “Let’s be friends line” and Jake’s like, “Fuck you.” No, jk, he says he needs some time. Legitimate.

Someone sketchy showed up out of nowhere? Let’s trust ’em, why the fuck not.

The Liars get together to talk about Shana. What I’m wondering is, if Shana dated Paige, why would Ali trust Shana if Ali hated Paige? And if Shana was BFFs with Ali and Ali hated Paige, why would Shana date her? Is Shana A’s minion or is Shana really on Ali’s side?

Wait, you DIDN’T read the Anonymous Sex Toy review about the Njoy Pure Plug? And you expect us to stay friends?

QUEERS ARE SO CONFUSING.

Let’s discuss our secrets on this extremely public park bench while a psycho killer is after us!

Shana sits down with Emily to feed her some lies (surprise! Someone is lying in this show!) and tell her that Ali loved Emily the most. Shana has apparently known Ali was alive since Mona was in Radley. That was a really long time ago. Then Shana tells Emily that Ali wants to see her. Tonight. Alone. So Emily should totally just go with her to an abandoned warehouse later. Seems real safe.

Sticks AND balls AND holes AND physical contact? Stop it, ABC Family. Think of the children.

I’d like to take this moment to say that Hanna and Buzzcut/Travis playing pool was infuriating in only the way that Girl-Is-Bad-At-Pool-So-Guy-Will-Lean-Over-Her-And-They-Share-A-Moment scenes can be.

You’ve been having Spemily thoughts, too?!

Emily tells Spencer about Ali wanting to meet up later that night, which is the first intelligent thing the Liars have done basically this entire episode. I was waiting for Emily to keep it a secret, because apparently these four young women don’t realize that keeping secrets and lying to each other is a bad idea four seasons in.

NOPE.

But anyway, Spence is all “NOPE” about meeting Ali alone with Shana that night. Thank you for being you, Spencer.

Customizable! Convo me!

Back at Casa de Montgomery, where the parents are made up and curfews for teenagers don’t matter, Aria finds a necklace from Jake conveniently packaged in a box sans tape or packing materials. It says Aria and looks like it’d cost $12 at a cheap Etsy shop.

Hmmm, I’m not seeing anything of note here, but maybe I’m missing it.

What’s interesting about this scene is that the show goes overboard to show us the package, which says L. Barasz Fine Jewelers. Anyone have thoughts about that?

Mushroom puff?

I see what you did there, Spence.

Peter “Shady As Fuck” Hastings is a tool. That’s all we learn in this episode.

My sister would like you to note that this woman’s window is rolled up. Who has conversations with their windows up?

Finally! Welcome to the 2nd most interesting scene in this entire episode. Jake is strutting his stuff down the street, as one does in Rosewood, where the weather is perfect year-round and it’s never cold, despite being Pennsylvania, and everyone just hangs around in plain sight doing inappropriate things. Anyways, Jake is strutting, humming that song from Saturday Night Fever to himself, and he sees Ezra yelling at a blonde in a car. “You really screwed up!” He smacks her car. “This isn’t over!” You know who is blonde and currently unaccounted for? CeCe Drake. I’m just going to put that theory out into the universe. You do with that what you want.

You should get that looked at.

Hanna kisses Buzzcut. Ashley walks in. Ashley is pretty much the best in this episode. I like her. Buzzcut has a lipstick mark on his neck, like a perfect lip imprint, which makes me think that Hanna is a weird person to make out with. Who pecks someone’s neck like that? No smudge? For real real? Ashley calls Hanna out on her self-destructive behavior – it’s about damn time – and Hanna gets defensive about it being her broken heart. Man, teen angst, amirite?

How does a realtor get on the Board of Trustees here?

Remember that Toby storyline that’s been going on in this episode? Me either. But it finally got interesting! Turns out, Jessica Dilaurentis is on the Board of Trustees at Radley Sanitarium. This explains Peter Hasting’s sketchiness! He’s just trying to cover up the mother of his illegitimate son! Of course!

But how can you resist when I casually flex like this?

Aria goes to return Jake the necklace he gave her, and he tells her what he saw with Ezra, totally figures out that Ezra is a bad dude AND suggests that maybe Ezra is the one Aria was afraid of all this time. You guys. Jake isn’t even a main character and he just solved this entire show. Mic drop.

The Lady Equivalent of a shooting range.

In a weird aside, Ashley takes Hanna to a plate smashing place. Yes, you read that right, Cracked Up is for people who want to throw plates against the wall. It’s a really niche market, apparently. I wonder if they have regulars. As I watched this with my sister, we couldn’t even believe this scene was happening.

Sister: Okay, so basically this is –
Me: A shooting range for women?
Sister: It’s the closest thing to a shooting range that ABC Family would allow on air. Oh my gosh, they’re wearing safety glasses!

All I wanted out of this scene was a bonding montage with a catchy pop song in the background.

Unfortunately, we are stolen from this moment in order to go to an Ezra and Aria scene.

Not even a real magazine.

First, what is Zyzel Magazine? Why does that seem like the weirdest product placement ever? It’s not even a real magazine. But there’s got to be clues on it, right? Here’s the cover up close:

via Elance

Hmmm. So. Aria confronts Ezra, Ezra gets Creepy Face.

Brb, need to moodily stare off into the corner for a second, as I do three times per episode as stated in my contract.

He spins the story about him yelling at CeCe Drake a mysterious blonde woman in a car. He says the woman in the car is Maggie’s lawyer, because he’s trying to get paternity rights of some sort despite having zero paternity rights in this instance.

You gonna buy this terrible story? Probably? Okay, good.

This turns into a strange bonding moment and Aria buys it, and they make out. Oh surprise, they’re making out again, like they do for 30% of all PLL episodes. But we’ve gotten what, one Paige/Emily makeout? And Paige isn’t a creepy murderer. Just saying.

Speaking of Paige, where the fuck is Paige?

This can’t possibly go badly.

Speaking of girls Paige has dated, here’s Shana and Emily together in a car driving to an abandoned warehouse! This surely won’t end in someone dying at all! Before I could even say, “I bet Shana is going to drive off,” there she goes.

You’re not going to wait out here while I go into this dark, abandoned warehouse alone?

Things you can’t run from murders while wearing: Exhibit A.

I’m glad Emily wore her running shoes, just in case. Oh wait, no, she wore twelve inch heels, oh okay, that seems reasonable.

I bet she’s not even a real blonde–wait, she’s right behind me, isn’t she?

IT’S ALI. They hug. I feel emotional for a moment.

via Tumblr

But before I start crying, Ali gets weird and manipulative. So it must be Ali, since she’s weird and manipulative. She tells Emily not to trust the other girls, which is very obviously a play to separate Emily from the group. Ali begs Emily to help her find A so she can “come home.”

The script here reads, “Ali has a completely unreadable expression.”

I fucking hate magic tricks.

Spence breaks up the reunion and Ali books it into an elevator, where she pulls a David Blaine and disappears into thin air.

But Aria said it was okay to match my scarf to my shirt! What do you mean it’s a weird combination?

Caption this contest, and go!

Instead of rationally thinking, “Ali manipulates us,” Emily flips out on Spencer while Spencer tries to explain that Ali is just trying to divide them again. It’s been said time and time again that Emily is the weak link, she’s almost always the one to be manipulated away from the others. But let’s never learn from our mistakes, okay? Or else this show would end pretty quickly. I bet we could squeeze like four more seasons out of this.

It’s fine, I’m fine. It’s just really dusty in here and I have allergies, so.

Let’s not swell on our dead friend reappearing and hugging us and begging us for help, we’ve got a Toby storyline to act like we care about! He says he signed the gag agreement and is really creepy and vague, which can ONLY mean that Toby’s hiding something. Oh good, another secret. I didn’t think we had enough of dishonesty in this show.

Toby wasn’t joking, it IS totally dusty in here.

Toby’s mad, Spencer cries. Cue dramatic Women-Being-Upset montage/starsweep.

I’m so glad I had those tequila shots. This was such a good idea.

We land on Hanna, who is drunk dialing Caleb all like “Hey baby, it’s late, you free?” Sike. It’s more along the lines of, “I am super sad we broke up, but dating you was the best year of my life,” which is saying something when you’re seventeen, I guess.

I saw Jay-Z and Beyonce when I was at Babeland buying us this new lube!

This is not a sexual euphemism, nuh uh, no way.

But before we can care too much about a couple I actually liked/cared about, back to a couple I’d like to nominate for the “Totally Unlikely To Be Together IRL” award. Aria has just baked a cake, as one does, and Ezra walks back in with some whipped cream to spread all over her body and lick off. Oh damn, it’s for the cake.

Again, nothing sexual about this scene, thanks.

Cue whipped cream on the upper lip thing. ABC Family sure can do cliche situations like only Lifetime has done before.

Kevin Bacon was totally onto something with this rage dancing!

How does this even scientifically work? What are those knives stuck into? How did Ezra know this exact spot was where he would kick? Or are the knives ALL OVER the bag and how long did that take?!

WAIT SURPRISE HE WASN’T REALLY GETTING WHIPPED CREAM HE WAS BEING A BAD PERSON BET YOU WEREN’T READY FOR THAT. Jake kicks his favorite old bag in a punch-dancing scene ripped straight out of Footloose only to find that there are knives in the bag! What the fuck, you guys? When did Ezra get so obviously evil?

Uhhhhh wait. Shana has a locker at school? Why do we never see her at school? Am I just spacing on that?

In the ending A scene, we watch A bust open Shana’s locker, taking a look at The Tempest, which we also saw in Hanna’s bag last episode. There’s always something with the literature in here, any theories on that inclusion? Anyway, A tears up a picture of Ali and Shana and burns Shana’s half in some overexaggerated foreshadowing.

So. What did we learn? Let’s see:

Shana knew Ali since they were little.
Ezra was yelling at a blonde woman.
Jessica Dilaurentis is on the Board of Trustees of Radley Sanitorium.
Ali is legitimately alive and terrified of someone and Emily might still be in love with her?

I think this just ends up with about fifty more questions, including:

Is Shana good or working for A?
Is Ezra A? Because at this point it’s just way too obvious. Being blackmailed?
What’s in Toby’s mom’s background?
How does one get on the Board of Trustees for a Sanitarium?
Buzzcut: good or bad?
Did Ali really love Emily?
Ali: good or bad?

Nope, nothing suspicious about this side eye.

Tune in next week for more of the show Forever Intern Grace explains as, “amazing because it feels like so much is happening but somehow the plot never moves forward at all.”

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