Pansexual Pizza Sluts: Weigh In On The Gayest Agenda

Hi Autostraddle! It’s me, Vanessa, your community editor! One of my goals for our publication is to publish content that creates and celebrates community! For the past five years, we’ve used the Friday Open Thread to do that. But today, as we begin the month of October in 2019, we are changing things up! We will no longer be publishing an official open thread on Fridays – rather, we will leave you with something light and fun and weird and queer to begin your weekend! You’re welcome to treat these posts like open threads, or not! We love you, and we hope you find joy in the nuggets we will choose to gift you every Friday from now until whenever the world burns!

We were planning to call these posts Pizza Party Friday (PPF) internally, and when I explained the whole concept to our intrepid PPF team, we ended up talking about pizza for…hours. Is pizza the gayest agenda? Honestly maybe. Please enjoy our ~controversial opinions~ below, and let us know how you feel about cauliflower pizza and black olives!


Abeni: i COULD make some shit up about this one but i’m very boring with pizza toppings; i would love someone to write [a hot take] that is CONTROVERSIAL! i like pepperoni FWIW and MAYBE like, bell pepper, onions, or sausage. and my favorite pizza is dominos.

vanessa: i am also not a controversial pizza toppings gal – i like meat & cheese & maybe some truffle oil.

Shelli Nicole: Garlic. Pepperoni. UNCUT and half baked because as I used to say to lovers before I learned it was ok to ask for what I want – “I can finish it myself”

Abeni: HALF BAKED??? i just realized that i always get “well done” or whatever so it gets a few EXTRA minutes in the over

vanessa: UNCUT!!!

Jehan: ok bougie incoming but i love a good white pizza. with pesto. caramelized onions. and maybe a sprig of rosemary.

vanessa: um Jehan that is my JAM.

Christina Tucker: White pizza is SO GOOD I am fully here for the white pizza revolution.
I am also too bougie for my own good, I had a white pizza with fig jam the other day and it slapped.

valerie: artichoke pizza from artichoke pizza in nyc though :chef’s kiss:

vanessa: i wonder if we made a White Pizza Is It post if it would be controversial or if it would just be a lot of commenters being like …actually yes i agree

Jehan: FIG JAM?!

himani: My only contribution to this conversation is to say that “vegan” pizza is both the biggest lie and the saddest thing on the planet

vanessa; this is so true

Christina Tucker: I am bowing my head in respectful silence for you

Jehan: I think there are more of us Vanessa.

himani: Agreed, white pizza is hands down the best. Tho vodka sauce on pizza is also mind blowing

Jehan: I think we should also be clear that white pizza does not include cauliflower pizza. which is, ya know, fine, but doesn’t touch my soul

Christina Tucker: Agree, I respect cauliflower pizza for what it is doing
but it is not doing anything for me in particular

Jehan: right? i get the tiniest satisfaction from knowing another veggie is involved but…

vanessa: wait i’m sorry
are we talking about pizza with cauliflower on it
or like
pizza with a cauliflower crust?

Christina Tucker: right
riiiight

vanessa: okay that is a no from me
and i say that as a bitch who was gluten free AND dairy free AND nightshade free for a period of time to heal a parasite
vegan pizza with cauliflower crust isn’t bad it’s just like…a lie. it’s not pizza.

Jehan: that’s the thing, it needs a new name
pizza is misleading

laneia: that is crudités

Abeni: wait what even is a white pizz

laneia: we have to rename cauliflower pizza that’s #1 on the gay agenda i think
what is the acid on a white pizza?
in theory they sound so good but i’m scared to try one bc what if it’s just too creamy

vanessa: laneia there…is no acid on a white pizza
afaik?
or it’s like a pesto sauce sometimes? is that acid? do i know how anything works? i need samin to come school me in salt fat acid heat rn

Christina Tucker: Yoooo there might not be…an acid??

valerie: i think white pizza is just like…oils and stuff
and cheese of course but i wanted to say oils and stuff

himani: I think no acid is what makes it so amazing????

vanessa: abeni did we answer your question? i think the defining point of a white pizza is there is no red sauce involved.

Drew Gregory: Jumping in to say I like… all pizza??
Every type can be done poorly I suppose, but when done well every type is good.

Christina Tucker: Okay the real question is: pineapple on pizza, yay or nay

vanessa: sigh. i’m a nay. CONTROVERSIAL I KNOW.

Jehan: yeah that’s gonna be a no for me dawg

vanessa: drew i’m glad you’re acknowledging that bc i HATE when people say “pizza is like sex, even when it’s bad it’s still good.” that’s not true! some pizza is bad and some sex is bad!

valerie: well so. i like it in theory. but pineapples on pizza are usually only there when there is also ham and i haven’t eaten ham since i was 12 and before that i was not exposed to hawaiian pizza so I don’t know where i stand on this

Christina Tucker: I think it’s fine?
It’s like…okay here you are lil pineapple

Drew Gregory: Vanessa I think similarly all types of sex CAN be good but also can be bad depending on preferences and who is involved!
I like pineapple on pizza but I don’t order it often
During the summer it’s nice though

valerie: i like black olives on pizza :scream:

Drew Gregory: Same!

valerie: !

Drew Gregory: Is that controversial??

valerie: i have personally gotten teased for it, and for my love for black olives in general
people have strong feelings about olives

laneia: one of my strongest pizza feelings is that black olives should only be added to the pizza after baking so they stay normal and good !!!!

Christina Tucker: BRAVE take
I like it

valerie: i’d sign that petition, laneia
though that does sometimes make them kind of slidey offey

Jehan: ooh controversy but i’m into it laneia!

Christina Tucker: “Several people are typing”

vanessa: Drew you’re right about sex! But some pizza is just objectively bad. So maybe the metaphor doesn’t hold…

Drew Gregory: Not to me!!
What I’m saying is when it comes to pizza I’m a pansexual slut

vanessa: wait Drew
Are you saying you never think pizza is bad?

Drew Gregory: No no of course not
I’m saying I don’t think there’s a bad TYPE

himani: I’m gonna have to disagree strongly with the no baking olives thing…..

Drew Gregory: Like every type can be done poorly

valerie: “pansexual pizza slut” though
i’m still laughing

vanessa: Is the headline for this post: PANSEXUAL PIZZA SLUTS: WEIGH IN ON THE GAYEST AGENDA

Christina Tucker: Yep
Yeeeeeep

vanessa: wow we’re having an incredibly productive Monday y’all

Jehan: i stan for that headline

himani: Also whoever is making fun of you Valerie for liking black olives clearly doesn’t know what they’re talking about! Olives are amazing but they all have a time and place and the time and place for black olives is specifically on pizza. Baked. But not white pizza!

Jehan: himani you said a word. absolutely no black olives on white pizza.

vanessa: I agree with himani and jehan — yes to black olives, no to black olives on white pizza, I personally don’t have a preference if they’re baked or not but I am enjoying being swayed in both directions

Christina Tucker: I am really learning that I will pretty much…always eat a pizza
The only topping I really don’t like is green peppers
But if it is like “green peppers or no pizza?” I’m eating pizza

valerie: i feel the same way about green peppers and also onions but i had a pepper and onion pizza at work the other day because it was a) free b) pizza
and the other option was no pizza
now i want pizza

vanessa: I will say I recently ate a slice of pizza with Caesar salad on top thinking it would be delicious and it…was not.

Christina Tucker: Because it’s so good on the SIDE
why would it not be good on top??

valerie: was it because hot lettuce is garbage?

vanessa: yes!

valerie: this segues nicely into: ranch dressing on cheese pizza
maybe i’m a garbage person but it’s my jam

Jehan: It feels important to share that my intern recently named his computer dollar slice
At my main gig we name equipment after food (idk why) and he wanted to honor the east village

Christina Tucker: If I am going to dip a pizza into anything, I would prefer it be a blue cheese dressing moment

himani: Hmmmmmm I never got into ranch or blue cheese dressing and by the time I was curious enough to try it I couldn’t really eat either any more
But I like the idea of dipping pizza in things!

Jehan: i like dipping but do enjoy a drizzle of bbq sauce every now and then
omg i never realized how many strong pizza feelings i have
i’ve learned so much today

laneia: i hope this is a safe space to admit to really, truly loving the bbq chicken pizza from CPK

Drew Gregory: ME TOO

vanessa: THIS IS A SAFE SPACE FOR EVERYTHING

laneia: I FEEL SO FREE

himani: I have strong opinions about food but the strongest one of that everyone is allowed to love everything!!

Dani Janae: I’m a basic pizza bitch: mushrooms, lots of black olives, onion, a zesty tomato sauce. But in the privacy of my own home I drizzle and dip it in…ranch dressing

Malic White: Home pizza and public pizza are two totally different pizza parties.

laneia: a truth

Malic White: I think I’m the only person in here from Chicago (is this true?), and before it comes up, I just want to clarify that “Chicago style” deep dish pizza is absolutely not a thing. It’s an undigestible disgrace meant to keep lactose intolerant tourists confined to their hotel rooms.
I like a reasonably thick slice with sriracha.

Jehan: i used to live in chicago and didn’t even understand how one maneuvered around a deep dish pizza
it was like pizza met a shepherd’s pie

Malic White: My Indiana parents eat it with a knife and fork like FOOLS.

Rachel Lewis: I have to say — can we talk about passing down pizza orders in relationships? Like, my ex was big on pineapple on pizza, which I thought was ridiculous until we broke up and then it became A Thing and then I introduced it to my last ex, who is now also very much obsessed with it???

Shelli Nicole: Very excited that this is going in an ex direction because I’ve recently gotten my first major ex and was wondering about what places I could and couldn’t visit because of it

laneia: omg
yes
YES

Shelli Nicole: But I mean – that’s the Taco Bell that’s closest to me and if she thinks I’m going to the one another mile away because we aren’t together she is sadly mistaken –

Dani Janae: I’m honestly too fat to give up food places for an ex. Like we all gotta eat sis. I only stayed away from places she worked but now she works at Whole Foods so :upside_down_face:

laneia: Shelli that is YOUR Taco Bell.

Abeni: uhh what does this add to the #pizzadiscourse?

valerie: i had a penne a la vodka slice here once and it was very confusing texture-wise. i can’t imagine what a ravioli pizza would be like. that said, i’d try it.

Bailey: I searched “pizza” in WhatsApp to find one specific message to share but had to scroll through so much “pizza” “pizza priorities” “I got pizza lol naughty naughty” “Wanna Facetime I’m in a pizza place with wifi” “I think the most hilarious thing was when she ate peoples leftovers in Pizza Pizza” “[a crush] and I ate pizza and I swear we brushed legs” “Haha that pizza has ears everywhere!!!” to find what I was actually looking for, which was, “I realized I lost myself in my last relationship, like, suddenly I’m ordering a margherita pizza to share when I’d always preferred a bit of pineapple. Imagine a lifetime of cheese and tomato when you could be having so much more on top.” :pizza::pineapple:


Happy Inaugural Pizza Party Friday! Love you, mean it, hope you get to eat some pizza this weekend! XOXO. 

Vanessa is a queer feminist writer and photographer currently based in New York. She really misses Portland. Find her on twitter and instagram.

Vanessa has written 294 articles for us.

105 Comments

        • Oooh looks good, I’ll take mines with cashew cheese, onions, artichoke hearts(the ones from the jar), and garlic mushrooms. Speaking of which spoke to bestie who’s from and in Detriot atm and was telling me about a type of mushroom called chicken mushroom she gets from the local farmers market(not sure if she got it there or here), but googled it up and it could be an interesting mushroom topping on pizza. I tried oyster mushroom on my pizza and the flavors worked with the trader joes vegan cheese, sundried tomatoes, and artichoke hearts.

          • Huh never heard of chicken mushrooms. I’ve had good effect with using crumbled semi firm tofu as a ricotta type cheese, it absorbs the seasoning from the sauce and gets a little crispy on the outside.It’s funny, but I can’t eat much vegan cheese – it’s so real now it freaks me out! Those trader Joe’s vegan meatballs work on pizza too, just slice them in half. I’m a big fan of pineapple and varicolor bell peppers with all kinds of onions.

            I am hungry 😭

        • It didn’t make it onto the website but there was a whole separate conversation where someone told me that there’s a place with very good vegan pizza in (of course) Brooklyn. I will try it and report back. Also, I realized today that the scare quotes should’ve been around the word pizza and not the word vegan haha!

  1. I cannot say I’m fully pizza pansexual for two reasons:

    1. The Philly-area dish known as “tomato pie”, which is like a heartbreaking shadow of a memory of a pizza

    2. Raw vegan “pizza” that bore no resemblance to pizza, nor even to anything particularly edible

  2. I present to you all, my personal preferred pizza: Flat bread crust, pesto base, a whole lot of different cheeses, grilled chicken and sausage for the meat, whole roasted cloves of garlic, sun dried tomatoes, fire roasted red peppers, onions, green peppers, jalapenos for that fiery kick.

    Alternatively, any pizza you can get for decently cheap with a side of buffalo wings and local beer. Can’t knock cheap pizza, beer and wings.

  3. wow so first of all i thoroughly enjoyed this

    second of all, there is a pizza place in my town called boss lady pizza, which is an excellent name, but they also make a vegetarian spicy hawaiian pizza that i must share: bbq sauce instead of tomato sauce, cheese, jalapenos, pineapple, onions, drizzle of ranch on top. it. is. glorious. they also do some truly heinous (by which i mean fantastic) things like a mac and cheese and fried onions pizza. sadly my body has decided to stop tolerating dairy in this, my 31st year of life, so i haven’t been there in months.

    • Listen, perfectly amazing vegan pizza is possible, don’t let these people convince you otherwise. Tell the Boss to get working on it. There are two pizza chains in my area that have decent-to-good vegan options now because of very polite and not at all obnoxious vegans asking for them.

  4. If I get a two-topping basic red sauce pizza, my choices are usually:
    Ham or pepperoni with black olives or pineapple
    black olives and pineapple

    I can be persuaded by fancier pizza, but no onions or cauliflower pls.

    • Possibly a controversial opinion, but I am of the stance that there is no good use for cauliflower in anything. I can not recall a single instance of eating the vegetable and thinking ‘you know, that really hit the spot’… and the worst part is whenever I have had it, it’s been snuck into things.

      It’s like the oatmeal raisin cookie of the vegetable world, but unlike oatmeal raisin it’s not even tasty if properly identified ahead of time.

  5. Yes hello, this pizza slut is checking in!🍕💖
    Pepperoni pineapple pizza is the #1 choice and always will be
    I refuse to call anything with a crust of cauliflower “pizza”, that’s just hurtful.
    Pizza is so very incredible important to me, I will go to great lengths (like 4hr road trip) to get the correct pizza flour to make my dough.
    Also currently eating a sad pbj for lunch and wishing it was pizza! I really wish I could afford some pizza rn

  6. oh man, native new yorker here, lots of pizza feelings!
    the best pizza is a plain cheese slice, from your local spot, not too thin not too thick, oily, perfection.
    now that i’ve lived lots of other places i’ve had to find other ways to scratch the pizza itch and i have to say most local pizza shops just get it so wrong. too thick, sauce too sweet, etc etc. I have gotten really into wood fire personal pie style pizza and think my favorite place for that is right here in my new home Minneapolis (shout out Young Joni!). on that style i love a wide array of lots of toppings. my go to would be a sausage-mushroom-spinach combo with red sauce, but i also love a white pizza with mushrooms and truffle oil sitch, and just any combo of toppings on a thin, not soggy crust.

  7. I think I am going to miss the open thread, but I am here for all the pizza talk. I once had mac and cheese on top of a pizza. It was pizza, sauce, then mac and cheese. The cheese was velvita or the like & shredded mozzarella. On the table, there was parm too. Personally, I like pineapple on my pizza, but my favorite from when I was a dairy eater was 8+ cheese pizza with spiced up pizza sauce. In a related note I twice had a 32in size pizza for party reasons. The delivery person said it barely fit in his VW Golf was required to wear a weight belt for his back. It was wild.

  8. olives: 100%
    pesto: 1000%
    cauliflower crust: 0%

    I have feelings about pineapple on pizza – it’s situational. Is it paired with like, some form of cured meat (vegan or otherwise)? then yes. I definitely never would have even CONSIDERED eating a pineapple on a pizza until I became best friends with a pineapples-always queer though.

      • But the open thread wasn’t about replies, it was about some topic and then people would spiral out and really talk about their lives! I felt like I really got to know a bunch of internet strangers.
        And furthermore, tbh, I don’t think that a pizza party really is a concept outside of the US. A lot of people might feel alienated and not feel like they‘d be able to participate.
        And people who are sad or otherwise in, you know, a place that’s not happy,happy,joy,joy, would be able to talk about the posters they’d put up on their childhood bedroom in the FOT, but not join in on fun and weird topics.
        Another moment where I feel really old.
        But maybe it’s time to pass the torch and leave the kids to their fun.

  9. First off Chicago deep dish is not actually pizza, but a pizza inspired tomato tart and you can quote me on that.

    Second this is some life advice I came up with myself: Find someone you can split a pizza with, either you both love the same things or have enough love and respect for each other to amicably order something together without being jerkish.

    Third, holy shit is home pizza a different ball game actual pizza crust is hard or it’s just my one weakness. Things I’ve used for home pizza include; puff pastry, naan bread, risotto al salto, and corn tortillas.
    The risotto al salto pizza was so fuckin good I moaned the whole way and sometimes I still daydream about it. What made it so good is I have garlic and sundried tomato paste constantly one hand, good parm, I’m a crack shot at seasonings, have an eye for when tomato sauce-ish things are just caramelized enough and I love rice so much.

    Corn tortilla pizza pretty much the same reasons minus the rice comment but am super grateful for corn. I didn’t think it would taste nearly as good as it.

    Completely unrelated I found a WWI death roll, some gents on it that might be my relations and well I knew the Italian front was Alpine but I never paid much thought what that meant.
    Deaths by injury rather than combat wounds all over the place.

    And I found the archival records of my great-grandparents home town, but I can’t read them because they’re just pictures, quality pictures, of the record books and the cursive is too pointy for me.
    To decode it I’m going to have to learn it like I learned runes.

    • Dang Lex you’re a scholar and a well dressed individual!

      I once made a vegan Mexican pizza casserole, and despite being hunted as a heretic, it was in my opinion a smashing success. I still dream of it fondly as I sleep under bushes while hiding from all my friends that are trying to set me on fire for messing with the natural order of the world.

      • Did it have pickled peppers on in it? Because I have heard somethings about Mexican pizza traditionally having pickled peppers on it or having like a dish of em on the table.

        I’m pretty allergic to most the base ingredients for vegan stuff, but in my life under a restriction diet for allergy testing and re-learning to cook without onions I learned just about anything can be made really tasty if you season it right.
        And the science of taste says we crave and love our fats, plant or animal based we’re designed to love fat cuz we need it on a cellular level so you didn’t mess with nothing other than their minds.

    • Oh yes! My departmental secretary likes me, so whenever we have a quarterly meeting and she has to order lunch for a hundred out so people, she always gets me my own delicious vegan option, INCLUDING entire pizzas I didn’t have to share with anyone! Feels so good

  10. Pineapple yes! Olives of any kind, in any situation, ever, for any reason, NO. At least not if I have to eat them. Onions, bell peppers, shrooms. Sometimes pepperoni. Sometimes white pizza with pesto (homemade on naan). Sometimes BBQ sauce instead of tomato.

    I just read somewhere recently that pizza was originally a sweet thing, jams and whatnot, and savory versions only came along later? Dunno if true but apparently the fig jam person was on to something. I mean, bread + jam, solid idea. 🙂

    Had leftover malai kofta and dal tonight, now there’s what I want more of.

  11. That would depend on what you count as the true origin of pizza because as long as long flat breads have existed humans have been putting stuff on top but personally I doubt sweet with jams came before savoury. Fig and/or honey maybe but not jam.

    Additionally pizza as us 21st humans know it can’t happen until like the 16th century at a minimum because tomato isn’t native to Europe or Asia, but the Andes and the Spanish conquest of the area wasn’t in the works the 1520’s.
    I think, my Pizarro timeline is fuzzy af and my interest was more Aztec focused not Incan.

  12. I have so many opinions!
    White sauce is great! In my experience, it’s always been some type of garlic sauce.
    I want black olives on everything (pizza, tacos, baked potatoes, salad, pasta, etc etc etc.)
    I also love artichoke hearts on pizza. And tomatoes as a topping whether the sauce is white or red.

    I unexpectedly had pizza today because a restaurant by my work which had been an empty storefront for years so I thought it had shut down long ago turned out to have been a restaurant that took years to open. Years of no indication that anything was happening behind the covered windows, and suddenly the restaurant opened this week! And it is a pizza and doughnuts restaurant. Yes, pizza & donuts. It’s called Dough, of course. Strange concept, but the pizza is all right! I had one with prosciutto, arugula, and red sauce. And a glazed donut of course.

  13. I like Hawaiian or my own version without meat which is basically Hawaiian (pineapple, onions, mushrooms and sweetcorn). Or some of those other ingredients on a Hawaiian. Deep pan or stuffed crust. Stuffed crust with tomato is delicious.

    I like chocolate pizza for dessert. Is it pizza or not? Haha. I don’t care, I like it and it looks like pizza 🙂

  14. Definitely a pansexual pizza slut. White pizza is excellent, pineapple is good, and also pairs well with sun-dried red peppers. Almost any vegetarian topping is good, although I draw the line at green peppers. Crispy thin crust, giant floppy New York pizza, in-between home-made pizza, they’re all good. I’ve somehow never had cauliflower crust but it sounds…not pizza.

    Baked ziti pizza is probably my favorite though, but is way too much work to make at home and not enough places have it.

  15. I had a recurring dream for years of eating pizza with black olives, but irl I didn’t like olives at all.

    So I taught myself to like olives so that I could finally eat a real pizza with black olives and stop having that recurring dream !

    Inception.

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