NSFW Lesbosexy Sunday Is Into Tantric Masturbation

All of the photographs in this NSFW Sunday are from shutterstock. The inclusion of a visual here should not be interpreted as an assertion of the model’s gender identity or sexual orientation. If you’re a photographer or model and think your work would be a good fit for NSFW Sunday, please email carolyn at autostraddle dot com.

Welcome to NSFW Sunday!

At Them, Gabrielle Bellot wrote about how sleeping with and dating other trans people helps her love her body:

“It took so long to realize, or better, believe it was possible for someone to love my body, flaws and all. That I could embrace it myself. That someone who had never known me as anything but Gabrielle might simply find it normal to see my body as a woman’s, in the same way there are many kinds, myriad maps, of women’s and men’s bodies. I learned, literally and figuratively, to let down the kinky mixed-girl hair I’d hidden for years in a tight bun. I learned to think of my partners sexually — while everyone is entitled to their preferences — less by body parts than by something broader; that many configurations of parts could, even unexpectedly, engender pleasure. I learned that the cartography of a body could be reimagined, so that the map space marked ‘woman’ accommodated a body like mine, just as it did tall women, women who could not menstruate, women who could not give birth, women whose parents did not see them as women.”

“[T]he compelling part of Garza’s story is that recovery entails the acceptance of her libido and refusal of shame. In a world that still fears female sexuality and buys into the dichotomy of the Madonna-whore complex, Getting Off is doing crucial work,” writes Kristin Sanders in a review of Erica Garza’s Getting Off: One Woman’s Journey Through Sex and Porn Addiction. Later, she continues:

“That it seems revolutionary for a girl to have desires — in all of their complexities, kinks, fetishes, and fantasies — and yearn for those desires to be not only acknowledged, but met, points to how far our society still has to go in affirming every individual’s capacity to feel pleasure, sensuality, respect, and agency.”

It can feel hard to meet people to date or be friends with in real life. If you want to start, ask your friends to set you up with their friends, try hanging out in new places, and try looking up from your devices when you’re out in the world (you will also have to go out in the world):

“It’s nice up here, away from the blue light. Harwick says it’s important to be mindful about who is around you once you’re tapped out of the Matrix. ‘Make eye contact,’ she says. If you’re more mindful about who is around during those interactions, you’ll likely be more mindful about who is open to a chat. It goes without saying that you shouldn’t bug anyone who seems like they want to be left alone, but if someone returns your gaze in a friendly way — and you’re feeling particularly brave — try tossing out a hello, Harwick says. You may be surprised to find that they continue the conversation, leaving you with little to do but follow along.”

Artemisia FemmeCock compiled a huge list of vegan sex and BDSM toys and accessories, including vegan lube, harnesses, floggers, gags, restraints, safer sex barriers and more.

“By prioritizing sensory pleasure and emotional release over instant gratification, tantric principles frame sex as spiritual act, one that will make you feel more aware of your own body, both in and out of the bedroom,” and you can have it all by yourself, writes Sara Coughlin at Refinery 29.

Ariel Hawkins is suing Tinder for allegedly deleting her — and many other trans women’s — profiles.

Sex shop Feelmore is trying to open a location in the San Francisco airport.

Going to a sex club or dungeon for the first time? Follow the dress code, talk to people, follow the posted signs, ask before using anything, don’t gawk, don’t yuck someone else’s yum, get consent, and remember we’re all just there to have fun.

“Relationships are complex. What works in an interabled relationship is the same as what works in any other kind of relationship, I suppose: good communication, empathy, generosity, trust, respect, kindness, a sense of humor, open-mindedness, sharing, helpfulness, etc.,” says Ben Mattlin in an interview at Vice on interabled relationships.

You’re more likely to have good sex if you have good sleep the night before, according to a recent study.

The best place to break up with your girlfriend is in your living room. It’s better than email. It’s better than ghosting. But if you’re ghosted, here’s how to get over it:

“‘Just because the relationship ended — or faded, in the case of ghosting — doesn’t mean it was all bad,’ Utley says. ‘We’re never the same after having been in a relationship with someone … if we can reframe it in terms of what we’ve learned, we can move on stronger and more aware than we were before.’

House even recommends thanking the ghoster for providing the chance to reassess your dating strategies. Once you’ve had some distance from the breakup, ask yourself several questions: Did you ignore any red flags? Did you present who you are, or who you thought they wanted you to be? Were you trying to force something to work because you thought it could, or because you liked the idea of it?”

If you’re having a hard time not checking you ex’s social media after a break, get friends to do it for you and summarize what’s going on.

Carolyn Yates is the NSFW Consultant, and was formerly the NSFW Editor (2013–2018) and Literary Editor, for Autostraddle.com. Her writing has appeared in Nylon, Refinery29, The Toast, Bitch, Xtra!, Jezebel, and elsewhere. She recently moved to Los Angeles from Montreal. Find her on twitter.

Carolyn has written 894 articles for us.

13 Comments

  1. The LA Review of Books reviewed and then deleted my comment of the review of Erica Garza’s Getting Off 🙃 I tried to point out that Erica Garza does identify as bi, she doesn’t mysteriously refuse to identify as anything like Sanders says she does. I’m so frustrated.

  2. Holy fuck; This…..

    “ But I try to remember, too, that love must start with us, not with external validation. That no matter how expansive our topography of the body grows, it is useless if we cannot accept ourselves; if we cannot open our own door and walk in front the mirror of ourselves and see who we are — and then, from there, explore free and wild as flames, letting ourselves burn so bright that even old visions of hellfire dim away.”

    Is so fucking hard for me to find and when I gain a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, I finally found some self acceptance self-doubt and hatred of ‘how god made me’ kicks it to the curb and I’m left with a worsening body dysphoria that I struggle to deal with. I am left to struggle and again battle to climb my fucked up and torn body back up to the summit of Everestian obstacle of self hate to find some semblance of acceptance and love of life to carry on.

    The article speaks a truth with me, I haven’t found my soulmate yet but gives me hope that one day one day I will.

    Thank you Carolyn for finding and posting At Them by Gabrielle Bellot.

  3. The podcast Why Did you Push that Button(Vox media) recently had an episode on ghosting that was fairly good. The podcast is hosted by two women fyi(I think both are straight, but it’s very lgbtq inclusive in their talks). It’s interesting how in person someone ghosts it’s generally not acceptable, but via social media is totally a worry and considered a socially acceptable way to tell someone you aren’t into them.

  4. As Paulala said above: thank you kindly for Gabrielle Bellot’ s piece. Let me say that it certainly does no harm if cis women read texts like this one, more insight into how it is to be a trans woman helps to curb transmisogyny. How else would you know what hurts us?

    https://everydayfeminism.com/2016/01/how-love-being-non-passing/

    This is imho excellent advice for non- passing trans women. # 6: fierceness. Fierceness is feminine.

    My heart- felt gratitude goes out to St. Carolyn the Joyful.

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