Listling Without Commentary: 17 Things My Mom Has Mailed Me This Year

Although some adult children living in cramped apartments/rooms seem to enjoy a wide breadth of storage space in their family homes, my mother is not a fan of having any of my shit in her apartment and therefore she has taken to mailing all of my worldly possessions from birth until the present, one by one. She sends these things in packages containing other, more exciting things, like matzoh ball soup mix. Also, sometimes she just sends me really random things she finds at garage sales. My Mom loves garage sales. Real talk: I also love garage sales.

17 Things My Mom Has Mailed Me This Year

1. “My Point… And I Do Have One” by Ellen DeGeneres

This was my favorite book for at least two months in 1995.

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no really everybody had this haircut back then

2. Samantha, My American Girl Doll

I had to pull this baby out of the deep recesses of my closet to photograph her for this list, because my girlfriend banished her from our bedroom due to her apparent “creepy” nature.

really don't see how anybody could find this creepy

really don’t see how anybody could find this creepy

3. Letter From My Friend Who Babysat My Samantha Doll While We Were On Vacation

Apparently I took doll-care really seriously. And paid the doll-sitter in stationary.

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to be fair, samantha is just as purrty as she is pretty

4. Box of mixtapes I made circa 1991-1998

stuff my mom mailed me

[click to enlarge]

5. Enormous T-Shirts Commemorating Memorable Personal Life Events Of The Early 1990s

I wore really giant shirts despite being a really tiny person. I’m saving these for if I ever get pregnant.

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6. Possibly Homemade (???) 90’s Style Candlesticks

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art deco

7. “Dress Me Up David” refrigerator magnets, sans David

Totally unclear regarding what happened to David.

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really excited about those jockstraps

8. Letters From Mysterious Pen Pals

Seriously who are these people

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i hope i asked for more information about the nautrul foods

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there is something very wrong with checkers

I think this girl [below] was the daughter of a childhood friend of my mother’s. I was addicted to pen pals so I kinda picked them up wherever I could find them.

i have a lot of questions about what exactly happened on he jenny jones show

i have a lot of questions about what exactly happened on the jenny jones show

9. Jewish Propaganda

The good news is that if I ever become a better Jew, I will have plenty of materials with which to celebrate said Jewdom.

subtle

subtle

10. This Baby Deer

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11. This Jewelry Box Circa 1988

You might be surprised to learn that I made most of these delightful accessories myself.

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Clearly my true destiny was to be a jeweler.

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watch out harry winston

12. Phil Collins’ “You Can’t Hurry Love” / “I Don’t Care Anymore Single”

Classic.

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13. “The Ways of Fishes,” discarded by the Interlochen Library with inscription from my gay BFF Ryan

The summer after he graduated high school, Ryan would send me variety-box packages similar to the ones my Mom sends now — two or three tiny beanie babies, random books, assorted food items, greeting cards. Now that she’s started mailing me the things he mailed me, shit is getting meta.

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14. My First-Ever Acceptance Letter, 1993

Spoiler Alert: they accepted everybody who submitted. IT’S A SCAM!

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my poem was about winter fyi

15. Lots Of Old Greeting Cards

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what can i say, i was pretty fucking special

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poignant observations

16. Inexplicable Assortment of Stale Pistachios

This was not what I expected to find at the bottom of this package

taking "packing peanuts" to a whole new level

mom is taking “packing peanuts” to a whole new level

17. This Thing

Actually this item has come in quite handy. I’m not sure what its intended purpose was, but you can store small items in the back, like dental floss, lighters and chapstick. Thanks Mom!

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also, it’s true

Riese is the 38-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

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98 Comments

  1. This is amazing. Also, that Ellen book! I was obsessed with it. I lent it to my friend Kristi, whose parents are super Baptist, and my mom got an angry phone call from her mother because apparently I was lending her child inappropriate reading material. Cut to years later, when all of these people above seemed surprised I was gay.

  2. I LOVE this. And could also read ~100 more. My favorite parts (of the letters):
    1. How poor Nicole feels the need to explain why she and Evan have such weird names.
    2. I legitimately thought I might have written Sarah’s letter for a second but then remembered my birthday is nowhere near December 3rd. I, too, can attest that being strangled by seaweed is a grose and terrifying experience.
    3. How Melissa feels the need to double-underline emphasize that you need to let YOUR mom see this (like, not hers, or someone else’s mom but YOURS specifically).

    ———————————–

    (Totally unrelated but I need a forum to discuss this)- did you all know that Oprah’s real name is “Orpah” like oRpah?! Apparently people pronounced it wrong so she just started going by Oprah. There’s even a video of her explaining this so it’s not just some wiki hack (though it’s on there too). I just found out and am freaking out.

    Also, those pistachios tho.

  3. Oh man, I had that Mickey Mouse stationary. I was confused about American Girl dolls because my name is Samantha… but I identified with Molly. Basically I only read the “action” books for each girl. And finally, those damn poetry book scams. The one I have is such.crap.

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