Liquor in the Oh Shit Someone Needs a Cocktail ASAP: Jane Rose

You’re right, my title isn’t a real sentence! Y’all know what’s been happening in the world. It pretty much feels like it’s burning, which means sometimes you have an emergency drop-by person who needs a fucking drink. Sometimes that person is you. But most times that person is both of you. Because you’ve been to two rallies in seven days and your friend’s gotten into a Twitter fight with someone whose handle is ManFeelings90210. When that time comes, the best cocktails fit two criteria: 1) they should require nearly no effort to produce and 2) they should taste like a candy necklace. Because fuck it! Fuck elegance and effort, sometimes you just want to hunker down and watch Crazy Ex-Girlfriend with a sugar drink.

My emergency person happens to live with me and be my wife, but hot damn, it hasn’t even been two weeks and we’re already pretty burnt out. Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is really good though!

Enter the Jack Rose. Which I straight up renamed a Jane Rose without changing a damn thing about the recipe. Because Jack Rose sounds like a senator I have to call to take to task over passing through too many Tr*mp nominees and Jane Rose sounds like a senator I call to thank for passing through almost no nominees because a woman’s place is in the resistance. It still looks pretty (a nice deep red), but it definitely tastes like Smarties.

What you’ll need:

2 oz gin

0.5 oz grenadine

0.5 oz fresh lime juice

lime peel to garnish

a shaker

a strainer

and a glass to put it in and that is literally it

First, juice your lime. Cut it long ways because that’ll get you more juice, and then you’ll definitely have enough for you and your friend or girlfriend or wife or cutie pie person. For some reason, you always gets more juice that way.

Then fill your shaker halfway with ice. Dump in the gin, lime juice and grenadine. A tiny bit about shaken drinks—whenever you have fruit juice of any kind, you’re going to want to shake and not stir. Shaking is also for making the drink cold as much as it is for actually mixing the drink. So shake until the outside of your shaker is frosty.

You bet that’s a congrats card from President Obama and Michelle Obama! Did you know you could do that? Send an invitation to the White House and get a congratulations card back?

Strain that sucker into a martini glass. Cut a little bit of the lime peel to garnish. And that’s it. That’s literally all you have to do. It’s so easy and it’s sweet and it’s perfect for an evening where you sign off Facebook so you can come back swinging another day.

Here is Bertie. She was convinced she was being pretty helpful.

I gotchu all. Don’t be afraid to have a self-care evening with a friend. And tell me what very funny TV shows and movies you’re watching with your drink.


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Profile gravatar of Ali

Staff Writer for Autostraddle, Part-time Faculty at The New School (teaching digital storytelling), Managing Editor for Scholar & Feminist Online at Barnard Center for Research On Women. Follow me on Twitter @AEOsworth or on Instagram, also @AEOsworth.

Ali has written 514 articles for us.

11 Comments

  1. :swoops in: Cocktail pedantry: Jack Rose is historically made with Applejack (American apple brandy). However, gin is delicious in everything and totally deserves to be in a Jane Rose.

    You are right about cutting a lime vertically for more juice! Also if you slice off the tippy ends of the lime, the lime squeezes more and thus even more juice.

    And finally! If anyone wants lazy grenadine that is not Rose’s super bright red syrup, you can buy pomegranate molasses at a Middle Eastern grocery and mix it with simple syrup. Easier than from scratch grenadine, more control over the sweet-tart balance.

    Ty! :swoops away:

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