Lady Gaga’s “Telephone” Video: Even Gayer Than Actual Dance Clubs

Tonight Lady Gaga & Beyoncé’s much-anticipated music video, “Telephone,” premiered. Eh, it was fine. Kidding. It was no Oops I Did it Again, but on the other hand – oh that fierce bitch Gaga did it again. It was awesome! Wanna watch it again? Oh good, us too!

The monumental task of discussing the world premiere of this landmark artistic achievement, we felt, would be best observed in two parts. We’re splitting it up into a recap and a roundtable of opinions from our team of Lady Gaga experts.

Lady Gaga & Beyonce – “Telephone” – The Music Video Recap

By Alex Vega, Design Director and Lady Gaga fan since May 2008

This music video obviously took a good amount of time, care, drugs, and rock ‘n roll to make. It’s an epic nine and a half minutes long. I honestly believe that Gaga has singlehandedly revived the art of the music video. She’s the closest thing to a “Michael Jackson” we have doing new stuff right now. I’ve been really careful not to say something like that until I believed it was 100% true.

With that said, let’s make a sandwich. Just kidding, let’s relive this awesomeness!

So we begin in prison, where Gaga has been detained for crimes she committed in ‘Paparazzi‘:


These guards are so serious… seriously homosexual.

One of the two best lines in this video, the next one involves cheeseburgers.

Anyhow, well Gaga has all these shackles on, let’s go to the jailyard. Hay! I wonder who’s going to be in the jailyard. Maybe a bunch of lesbians OH MOTHER OF GOD.

Attention, we have cigarette glasses. And homo-sexy moment number one.

This happened! This happened in front of your eyes and you weren’t even expecting it! Lady Gaga made actual sex noises for you and for once, she wasn’t searching for the camera while it happened.

There’s a lot of cameos in this video, but nothing tops old-school Gaga/Stefani Germanotta.
*UPDATE* I was informed by many that this is actually Gaga’s sister. HOT. I was wondering how the resemblance was so uncanny.

Oh Gaga, how you make my head hurt… hurt so good.

Then the music kicks in and we have this awesome jail-house dance routine (above). Um, you’re welcome.

I mean, THANK YOU GAGA. I’d get down on my knees and thank her for this entire music video.

(Also, Gaga you lookin’ GOOD, GURL. Our friend Craig who’s been Gaga’s trainer is doing a new show with Jackie Warner called Thintervention or something. Looking forward to that. Just saying.)

Hey Girl, Hay

Beyonce bails Gaga out of jail, and picks her up in the Pussywagon. Y’all might remember this from one of the coolest movies ever, Kill Bill (volumes I and II). TARANTINO!

Speaking of Michael Jackson, Gaga does such a cute little dance when she’s walking out that’s very Michael Jackson-esque. Anyone catch that? Adorbs.

(Homo-sexy moment number 2.)


Did I skip the whole Beyonce singing part? I did! I’m sorry. [Autostraddle Editor] Riese really liked that part it was actually one of her favorites and she said it made her think of sweet sexy girls taking photos of each other in a moving car, which is both realistic and still famey.

I like to think that Beyonce’s part requires her to bust through a wall, Kool-Aid Man style, even though that’s not what actually happened. Gaga’s taking pictures with a Polaroid camera because she’s now the creative director of Polaroid. Thank God that stuff is coming back. She can push a product if she wants to.

Look it’s Tyrese!

And we all know his ass is dead cause he’s mouthing off and Gay-oncé don’t stand for that nonsense.

Meanwhile we have dancers using lettuce/cabbage and bread as telephones:


Just saying.

There’s a kitchen dance break (as there always should be). I must learn this dance immediately for mine and Stef’s next ukulele/dance interpretation. Gaga is wearing a dress like the one she wore on Ellen. Also I don’t know if you noticed this, but her hair is a phone. Phone = Hair.

SPOILER ALERT: Tyrese finally dies and so does everyone else, including Justin from Semi Precious Weapons:

Death by honey. HONEY B — GET IT!

Continued on the next page…

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Cofounder and Design Director of Autostraddle. Professional web/graphic designer. Whiskey enthusiast. Drumming hobbyist. A past speaker at the 2010 BlogHer Conference ("Good Blog Design: The Role of Layout in an Online Medium"), 2013 Salon LGBTQ Conference ("Innovative Best Practices for Brand-Blogger Campaigns") and featured in the Los Angeles Edition of Refinery29's 30 Under 30 in 2013. Co-owns and manages Tully's Training, a dog training company in Los Angeles. Twitter: @a_ex Instagram: alexxxvegaaa

Alex has written 120 articles for us.

169 Comments

  1. So, I am just watching this video for the first time ever. I am not a fan of Lady Gaga. But her video never stop amazing me at how much I want to see of what she can do next.

    I thought this was an all time low for beyonce. I think she could have done so much of a better song then one with Lady Gaga. There are so many better artists out there. But that is all I have to say for her.

    Now Gaga…. DEAR LORD. I Am shocked…. for multipul reasons
    1] has lady gaga has plastic surgery or something. She has changed since her ” just dance ” video.. in looks…. i noticed this first in her Beautiful Dirty Rich song. and now it is just to noticeable.
    2] The outfits… are just to much. She tries so hard to be different that it has become ridiculous. And out of line. really…
    3] Why in every video does she have to practically have no clothes on. This is the second or third video where they have stripped her. Is it not?
    4] She does that eye thing with her hand a lot. with the circle and stuff… I do not understand it.
    5] That stupid outfit with the phone on her face….. was just… strange…. like her little sea anemone outfit she wore at the music music awards or something with that red mask and dress. she looked like she walked out of a sea or ocean.
    I do not even know what to say about the rest of the video….
    it didn’t even really go with the song. !
    ” They will be dancing on the dance floor ” is like one part… so why in the WORLD is she making a sammach >.> LOL! Like really…
    This was soooo dumb. And I am totally glad I wasted 20 minuets of my time just to watch how stupid she really can get. x]!!!!

    Nothing agianst all you Lady Gaga Fans who think this was ” the video of the year ” or .. Genius… with a capital J… but really…. this was dumb.
    Not my kind of Music…. I bet people have things to say against Nirvana, Alexisonfire, or Reba Mac entire. but really. There are so many good videos out there…. BETTER then this peace of junk. x]

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