Julie and Brandy Do the Olympics: Qualifying Rounds And Cupcake Butts

Ed. Note: Julie and Brandy usually only watch movies so they can lay down some executive lesbian realness (hey), but then Julie heard that some Olympic events were sorta gay and/or involved cute uniforms, and apparently Brandy is a fan of gymnastics (who knew?), so they tossed aside their general disdain for sports and sat down to see what the big deal was. 

It was all live-chatted for posterity and of course, your enjoyment. Here’s what happened.

all images by intern geneva

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OPENING CEREMONY

 

Julie: I made popcorn and put yeast on itIts OHkay.

Brandy: Air popcorn?

Julie: Nope. I used oil. But very little. I was so curious.

Brandy: Did you salt it too? The nooch needs salt.

Julie: The nooch?

Brandy: Nutritional yeast. The vegans call it nooch.

Julie: Ohhh OHHHH. Well go look at yourself. You are half a vegan already.

WOMEN’S VOLLEYBALL: USA vs KOREA

Brandy: Han Song Yi looks like GoGo from Kill Bill 2. Like- she looks just like her. Is there someone on the USA team named Destiny Hooker?? Jesus.

Julie: Whoa she really does. Destiny Hooker. Destiny Hooker. I’m already confused and annoyed.

Brandy: Me too.

Julie: I can’t find Destiny.

Brandy: They said Destiny Hooker was a high jump champ, too. That’s pretty genius. She’s the one killing it. And being way better than everyone else. And it says Hooker on her jersey.

Julie: She got a butt pat. Are there more lesbians in soccer or volleyball? They’re all so skinny. It’s like praying mantises playing.

Brandy: So fit and sooooooo tall. Oh- it’s spelled Destinee Hooker. My family was on Family Feud before I was born and they played a family called Hookers. And it was the Howards against the Hookers. I wonder if it was her family.

Julie: Is it on youtube?

Brandy: I wish.

Julie: I’m looking right now.

 

 

Julie: Nacho is farting. I never liked volleyball. Everyone always wants to play it in the pool.

Brandy: I’m farting too. Playing it in the pool is so dorky!

Julie: Do you think the volleyball players are farting? I do. I imagine little farts come out when they’re pushing it.

 

 

Brandy: How many on the team do you think are lez?

Julie: Mmm. Funny you should ask. I was trying to do the math…I think volleyball could be less lez than soccer. I’m gonna say half. Golf: 80 percent. While soccer I will say is 75 percent. Softball: 85 percent. Basketball: 90 percent.

Brandy: I’ll trust the expert.

Julie: Now this is from someone who never watches or enjoys sports. Or lesbians.

Brandy: That girl Logan Tom definitely seems lez.

Julie: Logan Tom – yeah. Teah. T. Davis seems lez. I wonder which Koreans are lez.

Brandy: Ground control to Logan Tom. I wonder if anyone ever says that to her. I love when they all touch each other’s butts erotically.

Brandy: Nicole Davis seems uber lez. And she has the Olympic rings tattooed on the back of her neck.

Julie: Ohh maybe they’re the rainbow pride rings. I love when they scream. Very aggressive and taunting…Butt pat butt pat butt pat good job good job good job I love you I’ve always loved you good job…

Brandy: All I do is stare at their thighs and wait for them to touch each other’s butts. Even the Koreans do it. I don’t even know what’s happening in the game.

Julie: Me too. Me too…how about less volleyball more butt touching… Sensual butt handling.

Brandy: The US would get the Gold in Sensual Butt Handling.

Julie: Ball is over the net!! Andddd…group hug, gentle supportive embrace, sensual butt handling, slight back graze,…and back to 1.

sensual butt handling medal results

Julie: I always wanted to play a sport where I wore goggles because I’m cautious and aggressive all at once.

Brandy: Let’s fast forward to the end and see who wins.

Julie: Okay.

Brandy: We won! Basically what I came away with from watching this is: these girls have no cellulite. And Logan Tom and Tama Miyashiro are my faves.

Julie: I came away with sensual butt handling. And ground control to Logan Tom.

Brandy: Ahhaaah!

Julie: Well great.


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34 Comments

  1. Thumb up 5

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    Reading this was in equal parts like being on acid and being snuggled up in bed with your best friends talking total shit.

  2. Thumb up 3

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    i love mackayla too! i noticed her ponytail first and then her awesome eye makeup and tough-haughty-cute facial expressions.

  3. Thumb up 5

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    I haven’t even gotten halfway through reading this, but all I can say is THANK YOU INTERN GENEVA! I have never looked so fit and so trim. Each new picture I see includes a tinier and more thin me!

    And thank you Laneia! No one should have to read thru 20 hours me and Julie’s bbms. You deserve ALL the golds!

  4. Thumb up 5

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    Love this, and obviously Gabby Douglas is my favorite gymnast. Her nickname is the Flying Squirrel, you can’t beat that.

  5. Thumb up 5

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    i died at “I always wanted to play a sport where I wore goggles because I’m cautious and aggressive all at once.”

    and then i thought about carol. who didn’t wear safety googles. now she doesn’t have to.

  6. Thumb up 3

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    “But I wanna wear the pants and the tank top and do that thing they do with their legs on the horse…What’s that called? Scissoring.” – my personal favorite

    also the graphics. did i mention i LOVE the graphics?!

  7. Thumb up 2

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    “Are there more lesbians in soccer or volleyball?”

    Maybe you need to do an exhaustively comprehensive survey. For science.

  8. Thumb up 3

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    You guys, I am so glad I read this while high. This is everything I need. fish sandwich.

  9. Thumb up 3

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    Also, there’s an athlete named Regina George (she competes in the 400m)… REGINA GEORGE, you guys!

  10. Thumb up 0

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    I thought the judges’ faces in the background of that photo of Gymnast MacKayla were graphics. no lie.
    this is a testament both to the graphics and to the cartoonish power of the olympics to distort normal facial expressions.

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    “She was the front runner and the favorite and the Jew came in and jacked it. Per Usz.”

    Am I seriously the only one who read this, stopped for a minute, reread it with my mouth wide open, and got really fucking upset?

    I didn’t realize that anti-Semitic commentary was acceptable here. And no, “it’s a joke” doesn’t work. This is seriously, seriously hurtful. I feel tremendously betrayed by a community that says that it’s accepting and tolerant of all people. Not okay.

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    lol I love how I’m not the only one wondering who’s gay and who’s not on the ladies teams. I don’t like sports, but somehow soccer and basketball is a lot more enjoyable to watch when women are playing 😉

    and wtf is with the butt tapping?

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