Ed. Note: Julie and Brandy usually only watch movies so they can lay down some executive lesbian realness (hey), but then Julie heard that some Olympic events were sorta gay and/or involved cute uniforms, and apparently Brandy is a fan of gymnastics (who knew?), so they tossed aside their general disdain for sports and sat down to see what the big deal was.
It was all live-chatted for posterity and of course, your enjoyment. Here’s what happened.
all images by intern geneva
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OPENING CEREMONY
Julie: I made popcorn and put yeast on it. Its OHkay.
Brandy: Air popcorn?
Julie: Nope. I used oil. But very little. I was so curious.
Brandy: Did you salt it too? The nooch needs salt.
Julie: The nooch?
Brandy: Nutritional yeast. The vegans call it nooch.
Julie: Ohhh OHHHH. Well go look at yourself. You are half a vegan already.
WOMEN’S VOLLEYBALL: USA vs KOREA
Brandy: Han Song Yi looks like GoGo from Kill Bill 2. Like- she looks just like her. Is there someone on the USA team named Destiny Hooker?? Jesus.
Julie: Whoa she really does. Destiny Hooker. Destiny Hooker. I’m already confused and annoyed.
Brandy: Me too.
Julie: I can’t find Destiny.
Brandy: They said Destiny Hooker was a high jump champ, too. That’s pretty genius. She’s the one killing it. And being way better than everyone else. And it says Hooker on her jersey.
Julie: She got a butt pat. Are there more lesbians in soccer or volleyball? They’re all so skinny. It’s like praying mantises playing.
Brandy: So fit and sooooooo tall. Oh- it’s spelled Destinee Hooker. My family was on Family Feud before I was born and they played a family called Hookers. And it was the Howards against the Hookers. I wonder if it was her family.
Julie: Is it on youtube?
Brandy: I wish.
Julie: I’m looking right now.
Julie: Nacho is farting. I never liked volleyball. Everyone always wants to play it in the pool.
Brandy: I’m farting too. Playing it in the pool is so dorky!
Julie: Do you think the volleyball players are farting? I do. I imagine little farts come out when they’re pushing it.
Brandy: How many on the team do you think are lez?
Julie: Mmm. Funny you should ask. I was trying to do the math…I think volleyball could be less lez than soccer. I’m gonna say half. Golf: 80 percent. While soccer I will say is 75 percent. Softball: 85 percent. Basketball: 90 percent.
Brandy: I’ll trust the expert.
Julie: Now this is from someone who never watches or enjoys sports. Or lesbians.
Brandy: That girl Logan Tom definitely seems lez.
Julie: Logan Tom – yeah. Teah. T. Davis seems lez. I wonder which Koreans are lez.
Brandy: Ground control to Logan Tom. I wonder if anyone ever says that to her. I love when they all touch each other’s butts erotically.
Brandy: Nicole Davis seems uber lez. And she has the Olympic rings tattooed on the back of her neck.
Julie: Ohh maybe they’re the rainbow pride rings. I love when they scream. Very aggressive and taunting…Butt pat butt pat butt pat good job good job good job I love you I’ve always loved you good job…
Brandy: All I do is stare at their thighs and wait for them to touch each other’s butts. Even the Koreans do it. I don’t even know what’s happening in the game.
Julie: Me too. Me too…how about less volleyball more butt touching… Sensual butt handling.
Brandy: The US would get the Gold in Sensual Butt Handling.
Julie: Ball is over the net!! Andddd…group hug, gentle supportive embrace, sensual butt handling, slight back graze,…and back to 1.
sensual butt handling medal results
Julie: I always wanted to play a sport where I wore goggles because I’m cautious and aggressive all at once.
Brandy: Let’s fast forward to the end and see who wins.
Julie: Okay.
Brandy: We won! Basically what I came away with from watching this is: these girls have no cellulite. And Logan Tom and Tama Miyashiro are my faves.
Julie: I came away with sensual butt handling. And ground control to Logan Tom.
Brandy: Ahhaaah!
Julie: Well great.
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Intern Geneva is killin it with these graphicz!
was just gonna say that, I was snortlaughing
THE POMMEL HORSE
Intern Geneva wins the Gold of my heart!
Also, Julie referring to their uniforms as “costumes” kills me.
yes! can we all agree intern geneva wins the olympic event of “photoshopping julie & brandy into the best graphics ever”?
Reading this was in equal parts like being on acid and being snuggled up in bed with your best friends talking total shit.
In a good way.
i feel you
i was about to say, there was nooo way all of this happened while sober. it was too amazing
Pretty sure that was, verbatim, my inner-monologue during women’s volleyball.
i love mackayla too! i noticed her ponytail first and then her awesome eye makeup and tough-haughty-cute facial expressions.
“God if just one boob would pop out it’d be legendary. But they are IN there.”
love you guys
I haven’t even gotten halfway through reading this, but all I can say is THANK YOU INTERN GENEVA! I have never looked so fit and so trim. Each new picture I see includes a tinier and more thin me!
And thank you Laneia! No one should have to read thru 20 hours me and Julie’s bbms. You deserve ALL the golds!
i would do this twice a week if i could.
I would pay money to be able to do that
omg new indiegogo perk??
love this. especially “Ground control to Logan Tom”
Love this, and obviously Gabby Douglas is my favorite gymnast. Her nickname is the Flying Squirrel, you can’t beat that.
Isn’t Gogo in Kill Bill 1 only..? idk
ok and YES, it is worse when a male coach is telling girls in swimsuits what to do. it just is.
omg teeny tiny cupcake butts!!
i died at “I always wanted to play a sport where I wore goggles because I’m cautious and aggressive all at once.”
and then i thought about carol. who didn’t wear safety googles. now she doesn’t have to.
omg i forgot all about carol.
“But I wanna wear the pants and the tank top and do that thing they do with their legs on the horse…What’s that called? Scissoring.” – my personal favorite
also the graphics. did i mention i LOVE the graphics?!
“Are there more lesbians in soccer or volleyball?”
Maybe you need to do an exhaustively comprehensive survey. For science.
just wait till the next summer olympics, when WOMEN’S RUGBY IS INCLUDED!
You guys, I am so glad I read this while high. This is everything I need. fish sandwich.
Also, there’s an athlete named Regina George (she competes in the 400m)… REGINA GEORGE, you guys!
Lol Julie’s whole Family Feud team is alcohol.
Also, butts.
I thought the judges’ faces in the background of that photo of Gymnast MacKayla were graphics. no lie.
this is a testament both to the graphics and to the cartoonish power of the olympics to distort normal facial expressions.
OMG me too!!
“She was the front runner and the favorite and the Jew came in and jacked it. Per Usz.”
Am I seriously the only one who read this, stopped for a minute, reread it with my mouth wide open, and got really fucking upset?
I didn’t realize that anti-Semitic commentary was acceptable here. And no, “it’s a joke” doesn’t work. This is seriously, seriously hurtful. I feel tremendously betrayed by a community that says that it’s accepting and tolerant of all people. Not okay.
I mean Julie Goldman is Jewish. So that’s a thing.
lol I love how I’m not the only one wondering who’s gay and who’s not on the ladies teams. I don’t like sports, but somehow soccer and basketball is a lot more enjoyable to watch when women are playing ;)
and wtf is with the butt tapping?
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