Ed. Note: Julie and Brandy usually only watch movies so they can lay down some executive lesbian realness (hey), but then Julie heard that some Olympic events were sorta gay and/or involved cute uniforms, and apparently Brandy is a fan of gymnastics (who knew?), so they tossed aside their general disdain for sports and sat down to see what the big deal was. 

It was all live-chatted for posterity and of course, your enjoyment. Here’s what happened.

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OPENING CEREMONY

Julie: I made popcorn and put yeast on it. Its OHkay.

Brandy: Air popcorn?

Julie: Nope. I used oil. But very little. I was so curious.

Brandy: Did you salt it too? The nooch needs salt.

Julie: The nooch?

Brandy: Nutritional yeast. The vegans call it nooch.

Julie: Ohhh OHHHH. Well go look at yourself. You are half a vegan already.

WOMEN’S VOLLEYBALL: USA vs KOREA

Brandy: Han Song Yi looks like GoGo from Kill Bill 2. Like- she looks just like her. Is there someone on the USA team named Destiny Hooker?? Jesus.

Julie: Whoa she really does. Destiny Hooker. Destiny Hooker. I’m already confused and annoyed.

Brandy: Me too.

Julie: I can’t find Destiny.

Brandy: They said Destiny Hooker was a high jump champ, too. That’s pretty genius. She’s the one killing it. And being way better than everyone else. And it says Hooker on her jersey.

Julie: She got a butt pat. Are there more lesbians in soccer or volleyball? They’re all so skinny. It’s like praying mantises playing.

Brandy: So fit and sooooooo tall. Oh- it’s spelled Destinee Hooker. My family was on Family Feud before I was born and they played a family called Hookers. And it was the Howards against the Hookers. I wonder if it was her family.

Julie: Is it on youtube?

Brandy: I wish.

Julie: I’m looking right now.

Julie: Nacho is farting. I never liked volleyball. Everyone always wants to play it in the pool.

Brandy: I’m farting too. Playing it in the pool is so dorky!

Julie: Do you think the volleyball players are farting? I do. I imagine little farts come out when they’re pushing it.

Brandy: How many on the team do you think are lez?

Julie: Mmm. Funny you should ask. I was trying to do the math…I think volleyball could be less lez than soccer. I’m gonna say half. Golf: 80 percent. While soccer I will say is 75 percent. Softball: 85 percent. Basketball: 90 percent.

Brandy: I’ll trust the expert.

Julie: Now this is from someone who never watches or enjoys sports. Or lesbians.

Brandy: That girl Logan Tom definitely seems lez.

Julie: Logan Tom – yeah. Teah. T. Davis seems lez. I wonder which Koreans are lez.

Brandy: Ground control to Logan Tom. I wonder if anyone ever says that to her. I love when they all touch each other’s butts erotically.

Brandy: Nicole Davis seems uber lez. And she has the Olympic rings tattooed on the back of her neck.

Julie: Ohh maybe they’re the rainbow pride rings. I love when they scream. Very aggressive and taunting…Butt pat butt pat butt pat good job good job good job I love you I’ve always loved you good job…

Brandy: All I do is stare at their thighs and wait for them to touch each other’s butts. Even the Koreans do it. I don’t even know what’s happening in the game.

Julie: Me too. Me too…how about less volleyball more butt touching… Sensual butt handling.

Brandy: The US would get the Gold in Sensual Butt Handling.

Julie: Ball is over the net!! Andddd…group hug, gentle supportive embrace, sensual butt handling, slight back graze,…and back to 1.

Julie: I always wanted to play a sport where I wore goggles because I’m cautious and aggressive all at once.

Brandy: Let’s fast forward to the end and see who wins.

Julie: Okay.

Brandy: We won! Basically what I came away with from watching this is: these girls have no cellulite. And Logan Tom and Tama Miyashiro are my faves.

Julie: I came away with sensual butt handling. And ground control to Logan Tom.

Brandy: Ahhaaah!

Julie: Well great.

WOMEN’S SWIMMING

100 METER BUTTERFLY (USA DANA VOLLMER- GOLD!)
400 METER FREESTYLE RACE (USA ALLISON SCHMITT- SILVER)

Brandy: Olympics Sunday Night. Ladies swimming!

Julie: Spandex and one pieces and little boobs.

Brandy: This guy keeps saying it’s important that they be in adjacent lanes. I wonder why that matters.

Julie: Hmm. I dunno. In fact what does adjacent mean?

Brandy: Next to each other. I guess these are all just qualifying rounds to get to the ultimate race for the medals.

Julie: Ohhh..so the Americans could be one and 2 against each other. 15 years old!? From Lithuania…Liesel. Get outta there.

Brandy: Omg! And she started crying. That was cute.

Julie: That was cute. In fact I’d like to see more crying. There hasn’t been enough.

Julie: Isn’t it weird that some people will experience the Olympics and getting medals…We never will.

Brandy: Yeah and then they’ll end up like Bruce Jenner.

Julie: Well at least we could still end up like that without a medal.

Brandy: Shit. You’re right.

Julie: A trodden down, face-lifted shell of a man. Nacho is playing with the Chik-Fil-A cow again. Maybe I could get a good pic of him killing it and it will become part of the Chik-Fil-A gay movement. And it can be another thing I don’t make money on.

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Julie:

Brandy: He needs to be the posterdog for butt-fucking Chik-Fil-A.

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Brandy: I wonder if the swimmers ever come up with boogs in their nose.

Julie: It shouldn’t, but watching this makes me wanna smoke.

Brandy: You should have a cigarette. In honor of Amurica.

Julie: She has def boogs.

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Brandy: We should watch Nadia this week. See if it’s on Netflix. It’s so eighties and as a kid I only cared about the part when she was a kid with her bff. I rewound and rewatched that part all day long. But now I’ll be able to appreciate when she’s older and bulimic.

Julie: Is that a documentary?

Brandy: It’s a movie. Like a Lifetime movie.

Julie: Ohhhhh. Well then ok. Yes pahlease. I never saw that.

Brandy: It’s SO good!

Julie: God if just one boob would pop out it’d be legendary. But they are IN there. I enjoy how they splash themselves before going in like an old Jewish lady getting into the pool.

Brandy: Their armpits kinda look like tits.

Julie: And their tits look like armpits.

Brandy: You can imagine a nipple on there and see if you find that erotic.

Julie: Armpit nipple.

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Julie: If Serena and Venus Williams made the water costumes it’d be much more exciting.

Brandy: Yes. These look WEIRD.

Julie: When I’m not fat I think I’ll have a weird thick necked swimmers body. And I don’t swim. I can barely breathe.

Brandy: This girl is 16 and I just want to shake her and say, “Don’t put that thing on your nose! You’re gonna fuck your nose up! Do you really want to live with a smooshed nose for the rest of your life Missy??”

Julie: Why what happens to the nose?

Brandy: Literally her name is Missy. She put some air thing on it to squeeze it shut.

Julie: Oh right – well she can’t live with herself if boogs come out. Wow she came in first.

Brandy: Yay! First or nothing at alllllllll!

Julie: First or nothing at all. Blam.

Brandy: Rachel Bootsma is up! Bootsma. What an interesting last name.

Julie: They’re all fucking with their suits. I swear whoever is making these things is just wrong. Bootsmmba. Is it Jewish?

Brandy: Ha! Bootsman? Bootsstein?

Julie: I wonder if Booger is someone’s last name.

Brandy: Boogerstein?

Julie: Hah boogerberg.

Brandy: Yes. Goldbooger.

Julie: Boogerman. Boogerbaum.

Brandy: Lichtenboog.

Julie: Haha..! LIpbooger. Hebrewbooger. Lichtenboog! Hahahaha. Mordechai Lichtenboog.

USA WOMEN’S GYMNASTICS: ALL AROUND QUALIFIER

Gabby Douglas & Aly Raisman (Aly beat out favorite Jordyn Wieber in a stunning upset)

Individual Apparatus USA Qualifers:

Vault- McKayla Maroney: 1st
Uneven Bars- Gabby Douglas: 6th
Balance Beam-Gabby Douglas 3rd & Aly Raisman 5th
Floor- Aly Raisman 1st & Jordyn Wieber 6th

Brandy: Gymnastics!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  That girl Aly did great! Great fucking landing.

Julie: God damn they get so high. I can’t get past the leotard. I always think it must be so uncomfortable.

Brandy: Camel Toe central. I think Aly is my favorite. That girl Jordyn Wieber is the captain of the team.

Julie: Yeah don’t they always need to pull that shit out of their butts and stuff. I can’t tell who’s the best yet.

Brandy: I just go by who I think is the prettiest. But give it time — you’ll form your favorite through your own system.

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Brandy: Their little butts are so cute! Cupcake butts. I wanna squeeze em.

Julie: I wish you were the TV broadcaster and said that to the world.

Brandy: McKayla is cute. I like how she wears her pony tail.

Julie: Jesus Christ she’s powerful. Too much power in the powerhouse.

Brandy: She vaults two feet higher than anyone else in the world and that’s why she almost flew off the goddamn mat!

Julie: I wish she flew into the audience. And like took out a row of people. And they got smothered with her cupcake buttocks.

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Julie: Holy shit! She stuck that shit.

Brandy: Yes! McKayla is cute. She might be my new favorite. She’s the best vaulter in the world.

Julie: She is cute and the best vaulter.  So far she’s my fave. I like how powerful she is.

Brandy: The Olympics are ALL about gymnastics. Period.

Julie: Yeah. Yeah, I agree.

Brandy: She killed that shit!

Julie: She literally has a cupcake butt.

Brandy: And I’ve never seen anyone wear their ponytail like that in the Olympics. She’s an original.

Julie: Sprinkles should make a cupcake called the McKayla.

Brandy: Yes! Hostess should. We can take that idea to Shark Tank.

Julie: Yeah hostess! Oh gawd yes. “Barbara. Hello, Sharks. Our company is called ‘Olymp-cakes.’ Our best seller is a white cake and white frosting buttock size little lady called the McKayla. Yes Barbara, you can taste it.”

Brandy: Balance Beam is stressful.

Julie: So stressful. This girl looks like she’s 10. I love the bars. I like when they go around and around and I like the pommel horse and rings. Why don’t the girls do those?

Brandy: I don’t know. Sexism probs.

Julie: You’re right! God dammit!

Brandy: I knew you’d agree with me!

Julie: I always agree with sexism. Its true.

Brandy: Here comes Team USA on uneven bars.

Julie: Yes! I love the bars. AND the gerls don’t do the one bar. They do the two I think. Sexism! And racism. Why not just throw that in too?

Brandy: This is USA’s weakest event. The uneven bars.

Julie: If you could do one apparatus what would it be?

Brandy: Floor.

Julie: Ahh yes. Very classy. Elegante. Dahhncer.

Brandy: You?

Julie: Hmmm. Either the pommel horse or the bar they fling around on.

Brandy: Those are guy events!

Julie: Yes, they are. I know. But I wanna wear the pants and the tank top and do that thing they do with their legs on the horse…What’s that called? Scissoring.

Brandy: It’s cute that there’s a girl named Jordyn and a girl named Gabby. Kinda like Nicest Thing <3

Julie: Ohhh yeah..  Can you imagine if one of those guys said the gerls have cupcake butts? I can’t stop thinking about it and how I wish someone would say it and start a controversy.

Brandy: The fucking Euro judges are robbing us! I’m pissed!

Julie: They hate America. Here comes the Brit. The greatest gymnast great Britain has ever produced? I wonder if they’re allowed to wear the men’s costume if they want. Probably not. Sexist.

Brandy: She was just so/so. For the best gymnast the UK has ever produced- she was just average.

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Brandy: One of these girls is obsessed with Justin Bieber and her whole thing is meeting him. I can’t remember which one.

Julie: Ha. That’s hilar. If she goes to the finals, I’m sure she’ll go on Ellen and then Ellen will have Justin Bieber meet her. And we can all throw up.

Brandy: I think it’s Jordyn Wieber.

Julie: Of course it is.

Brandy: And if she marries him her last name will stay almost the same.

Julie: She would crush Justin with her thighs. Jordien Weiber Bieber. Jordan Weiber Boog Bieber.

Brandy: Jordyn Bieber has a cute butt too.

Julie: I love sports support talk. “You got it. Come on. You got this. You love their butts. Etc. etc. et. al. such as.” That kind of reminds me of one time we took a family picture and my grandmother kept squeezing my butt and I was LIVID. Oh here’s Aly. 

Brandy: Aly is so fucking good! I love her. She did great on beam. That’s her best event.

Julie: Yeah that was fierce gerl.

Brandy: Aly and McKayla are my faves. Who are your faves?

Julie: I love the super vaulter.

Brandy: McKayla.

Julie: I haven’t seen Aly enough

Brandy: And you like Gabby.

Julie: But so far Gabby and McKayla. Maybe we’ll do Hope Springs for our next In Your Box Office. I’ve always wanted to play Tommy Lee Jones.

Brandy: Gross.

Julie: Isn’t Tommy Lee Jones sexy. Hmmm Tommy Lee Jones. So is there any more gymnastics?

Brandy: There’s one more event. Floor. And then we’ll find out which two will compete for the All-Around medals.

Julie: Oh yeah! You are fave McKay. Ok. Great. Ok here’s the floor. Bringing it to the floor.

Brandy: See- Aly is about to beat Jordyn out of the All-Arounds. And that’ll be an upset. And it’s within their own team.

Julie: Oh! I see. I see. Those gerls are bffs. She’s doin’ some Phantom of the Opera shit? Oh boy, she’s put Out.

Brandy: Kyla and McKayla are like Nadia and her friend from the movie. Cute. We are watching that shit. Tomorrow.

Julie: Oh, I’ll check Netflix. McDonald’s has an under 400 calorie menu.

Brandy: Awww HELL NAW! We gotta get the fuck over to McDonald’s! ASAP!

Julie: I know!!! Awww Gabby ‘s done.

Brandy: Gabby is screwed. Bitch flew out of bounds. Damn.

Julie: Bitch FLEW out of bounds.

Brandy: She’s dying inside. Gabby was a favorite for the all-around.

Julie: Oh well she can do another Olympics. I don’t even feel bad for her.

Brandy: I feel more bad that I can’t eat a Fillet of Fish right this second.

Julie: I feel more bad I can’t afford one. Mmm I could eat that sandwich in less than a second. 

Julie: Ok Jordyn Bieber. Get in there and do this thing.

Brandy: Come on Jordyn Bieber!

Julie: I can’t wait for my abs to come in. I’m gonna be like a fit and cut homeless person. Where you’re like awww that person is homeless but damn they’re cut! Come on Jordyn now is your chance to get on Ellen.

Brandy: She went out of bounds. That will be a big deduction.

Julie: Everyone went out of bounds. Like the 80’s movie. Out of Bounds. Ok here comes Aly. Ohh Gabby beat Jordyn?

Brandy: Gabby beat Jordyn Bieber even though she FLEW out of bounds.

Julie: That’s cray.

Brandy: Now I’m bummed cuz if I pull for my girl, then she’ll beat out Bieberlover.

Julie: Whoa Aly is killlling it. She’s doin’ some Jew music. Hava Nagila.

Brandy: She’s gonna steal that All-Around place from Bieber! Aww.

Julie: Haha. They just said “hava nagila!” And who knew? This Jew. Awww pooor Bieber.

Brandy: Don’t try and take her as your favorite now.

Julie: I won’t. I’ll root for the underdog.

Brandy: I feel sorry for Jordyn Bieber. She was the front runner and the favorite and the Jew came in and jacked it. Per Usz.

Julie: Per USZ . Aww poor Jordyn.

Brandy: Wow, that’s intense.

Julie: Oh well, she can come back too.

Brandy: Seeing her cry is too much. Just not gusto.

Julie: No BUT that’s the Olympics! Come back in four years Jordyn and beat everyone.

Brandy: It’s her last Olympics! I know that’s hard for you to accept.

Julie: Oooof that’s brutes. Oh it is? Why is she old? Like 18.

Brandy: She’s the reigning world champ and she’s not in the All-Around. It’s unheard of.

Julie: That’s sad. Oh she’s standing there behind Aly Jew. Oh gawd.

Brandy: It’s really sad.

Julie: Oh FUCK.

Brandy: But we are old and broke and no one wants to make our movie. So FUCK THESE LITTLE BITCHES!!!

Julie: Yeah, they were born in 1994.

Brandy: And goodbye.

WOMEN’S WATER POLO: USA vs HUNGARY

Brandy: I don’t know why they wear those hats. Maybe in case some big Hungarian bitch boxes their ears.

Julie: Now this is like an Olivia pool game Yes. Cauliflower ears.

Julie: They’re like treading water the whole time.

Brandy: It’s like soccer in the water?

Julie: But not with feet.

Brandy: Dumb. There’s an underwater pussy camera!!! And you can get really good labia shots!

Julie: They should keep the camera underwater.

Brandy: And butt crack shots.

Julie: Pooossyy show.

Brandy: Pussy show!

Julie: Water pussy.

Brandy: They look like gross heathens above water, but beneath the water they all look sexy!!!

Julie: I wish they were just standing on the floor. Like if the water was 2 feet deep.

Brandy: This is like Olympic lez porn.

Julie: They’re like water centaurs. Or people mullets. Gross on top. Hot on the bottom

Brandy: Yes! Above water this shit just looks unorganised. It literally looks like someone’s backyard pool with losers playing pool soccer.

Julie: Yeah it really does. Who the hell is that coach? He looks like a weirdo that goes to a public pool and just yells.

Brandy: I can’t believe this is real. They just need to keep showing the puss and the butts or I’m outta here!

Julie: The narrators keep comparing them to the men. Like sorry – go get gay and leave us alone. I would take the hat off if I were sitting on the bench.

Brandy: Maybe it’s a pain to put back on. I wish you were there in the hat and a one piece wrestling around with a Hungarian in the water.

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Brandy: Something inside me really takes issue with seeing a man telling women in bathing suits what to do.

Julie: NO shit! I’m so annoyed by this sack talking. And I hate men coaches with female teams across the board. Oh wait I just hate men. Bada ba baaaaaaa. Taptap

Brandy: It’s worse when they’re in bathing suits.

Julie: Ure right

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Brandy: Can you believe this is real?? Like- ladies in bathing suits wresting each other in a pool?

Julie: No. Can you believe they’re taking about pinching and pulling and shit.

Brandy: They aren’t telling any Olympic type stories to endear any of the girls. So all I can do is try and find good-looking ones, but I’m zoning out.

Julie: God this sport is boring.

Brandy: I’m doing laundry. And sadly- that’s more interesting than this game. At least USA is winning. You must be multi-tasking 900 things while you watch this shit. I’m so gassy.

Julie: What are you gassy from today? I’m applying online to Starbucks. This is happening. I mean, not even a callback from fucking Ralph’s!

Brandy: I’m gassy from eating peppers I think. This is so far the boringest Olympic event we’ve watched. I’d rather marry volleyball and have a thousand of it’s babies than ever watch this again. Fuck this. I’d change the channel but Panda is laying on the remote.

Brandy:

Brandy: I feel like runners have got the shortest life spans. I don’t know why. It’s just my instinct. Okay, it’s over. Did we win?

Julie: We won

Brandy: We won. 14-13. I guess that’s a close game, but it was more relaxing than ambien.

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