Glee Episode 609 Recap: Child Starlight Star Bright Not The Lesbian I Want To See Tonight

Welcome to the ninth recap of the sixth season of Glee, a show that teaches every adult how to give themselves a home dental exam with a pipe-cleaner and a pair of pliers. This week was especially thrilling in that, merely three episodes away from the series’ sure-to-be-stunning finale, Glee is finally getting around to developing the new characters they politely requested us to develop interest in several episodes back and then ignored until this very week!

I’m not 100% sure why they’re choosing to dwell on McKinley High when we could be having a Vacation Edition of Glee starring Santana and Brittany At The Beach. I must admit that I did not put the usual level of effort into this week’s recap, due to its startling lack of lesbianism or Old New Directions, but hopefully that’s okay and you’ll still laugh at least a few times.


This week’s shenanigans are loosely centered upon Sue Sylvester, who’s been preparing for the draconian Presidential Fitness Test by subjecting her young charges to fat-shaming and various factoids about what is and isn’t hard.

Sue: “You think this is hard? Try consuming your own twin in utero, that’s hard! I’m not leaving here until at least three of you pass out or puke.”

Can you see it? It's like at the base of my neck? Is it a pimple or a spider bite? I can't stay in this position much longer!

Can you see it? It’s like at the base of my neck? Is it a pimple or a spider bite? I can’t stay in this position much longer!

She’s particularly concerned about Roderick, who is struggling to climb the rope. I’m having flashbacks to when I failed the Presidential Fitness Test due to my inability to excel beyond a negative 6 on the V-Sit. Meanwhile, Marla Hahn could basically fold her entire body into a V and fly away home for the winter. Life is hard, y’all.


Spencer’s also concerned about Roderick’s “lead weight” identity. Unfortunately, he’s not concerned enough to actually do something about it, like help Roderick get into shape… until Roderick sits down next to Spencer’s Crush Object, The Poor Man’s Breckin Meyer, who has Alex Vega hair and is categorically uninterested in Spencer.

Quinn Fabray? No, no idea where she is

Quinn Fabray? Nope, no idea where she is, sorry

Breckin Meyer the IVth excuses himself from the awkwardness, and Roderick gives his eval of Spencer’s game:

Roderick: What was that? Were you just flirting with him? Was that you flirting?
Spencer: You wouldn’t understand. You’re not a player like me.
Roderick: Well, that was the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. If you think that was romantic then you’re not a player, you’re kind of a creeper.


Cut to the hallowed hallways, where Sue saunters along with Superintendent Ted Beneke, bragging about her drones in an attempt to snag the United States Principal Of The Year Award.

Oh if you thought Season Four was bad, just wait 'til I show you Season Five!

Oh if you thought Season Four was bad, just wait ’til I show you Season Five!

Unfortunetly, Beneke’s not prepared to sign off on the recommendation unless Sue does him a favor by helping his gay nephew prep for his Bar Mitzvah. So thus we meet Myron Muscovitz, who I will be referring to as Myron Manichewitz for the remainder of the season, because I want to. For all ye goys out there, Manichewitz is a young Jew’s first exposure to cheap wine, and it’s sure to put your tween to sleep after a particularly moving rendition of The Story of Passover.

I always wanted to be a Tenenbaum, you know?

I always wanted to be a Tenenbaum, you know?

The young Manichevitz plans to perform a musical number at his Bar Mitzvah and would like The Glee Club’s feedback on this situation:

http://youtu.be/BETcICG2zus

Kitty suggests his dancers smile more, so then he fires everybody.

Wait where is everybody going we haven't even started the Butch/Femme relay races yet

Wait where is everybody going we haven’t even started the water balloon toss

Then Manichvitz tells Rachel, Will and Sue that he wants to hold his party in the April Rhodes Memorial Pavillon with the Glee Club as his opening act.

So. How do you like my gown?

So. How do you like my gown?

Rachel briefly protests, citing the Club’s need to prep for Sectionals, but then remembers, as per every previous season, that “prepping for Sectionals” really just means mentioning how many weeks away Sectionals is within the first ten minutes of every pre-Sectionals episode. So they’re already pretty prepared, is what I’m saying.

Come on, what are you, 8? I'm sure it's just a phase

Well I for one really like the blue accents on your black gown.

It's gold and white.

Bitch, this gown is white and gold!


Meanwhile, Mason’s got a throbbing in his heartspace for Jane, but his attempt to ask her on a romantic date to The Breadstix Garden is foiled by Madison, who reminds him that carbs are off limits and drags him away from this three-episode romantic possibility.

You promised me we could start Season Three of "House of Cards" tonight, asshole

You promised me we could start Season Three of “House of Cards” tonight, asshole

Forlorn, Mason brings his Glee Club bros into the locker-room for some shower talk.

Sparia fick? Really? My sister always told me to read nothing but Pailey!

Sparia fic? Really? My sister always told me to read nothing but Pailey!

Mason explains that their parents were too Stage Momish/Dadish to be actual Moms and Dads, and therefore Madison eagerly took on a motherly role towards Mason from day one and has been licking her fingers and smashing them into his eyebrows since pretty much forever. Therefore, Mason needs Roderick to ask Madison on a date so he can sneak away with Jane into the wardrobe and through the woods.

This is how gay men have sex

This is how gay men have sex

Speaking of dates, Spencer wants to become Roderick’s personal trainer and then wants Roderick to secure him a date with Allister Breckin Meyer IIIVXI.


In the Teacher’s Lounge, William wants to brainstorm songs for the Bar Mitzvah but Rachel’s not much help ’cause she barely knows these kids. Obviously she spends most of her teaching hours fantasizing about shower sex with Quinn Fabray.

Wait really, anybody who's logged in as an admin can read my private folder of Sparia/Faberry crossover fic?

Wait really, you figured out the password to my secret tumblr and read all my Faberry fic?

Guilty as charged

Guilty as charged.

William says this monumental Jewish ceremony is the perfect chance to challenge and unite the children of Glee, but the children of Glee disagree:

Fake Quinn: So, you want us to sing at a spoiled little rich kid’s birthday party?
Rachel: It’s a Bar Mitzvah. Have you guys had any Jewish life experiences? This is a sacred honor.

It’s true. Just ask my brother who spent the entirety of his Bar Mitzvah money on a massage chair. Sitting on that beast was a sacred honor.

So which one of you wants to put together a V'ahavta / Mourner's Kaddish mash-up?

So which one of you wants to put together a V’Havtah / Shemah Yisrael mash-up?

William: The clock is ticking. Sectionals is in two weeks, guys. don’t underestimate this challenge. There is no tougher audience then —
Fake Quinn: JEWS!
William: Tweens. Vicious, pubescent teens with zero tolerance for a bad act.

The children are commanded to team up, and Mason practically leaps from his seat to ask Jane to be his Gal Pal, but his sister wife interjects his trajectory.

Just got stoned and watched “The Last Unicorn”


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Riese is the 37-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

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9 Comments

    • I really like Jane a lot, and I think that these new characters are actually way better than the New New Directions (Ryder, Marley, Jake, Joe, Rory). I wish they’d been introduced a few seasons ago instead of at the very end of the show’s run!

  1. Ha! Yes! Breckin Meyer with Alex Vega Hair! That’s exactly what he looks like!

    I do think some of these new characters are better than most of the old group of new characters (and honestly I can only think of three of them off the top of my head, Kitty, Unique and Marley), but still, I would much rather watch more Brittany and Santana, or other original New Directioners.

    This has definitely been a weird season.

  2. I’m definitely sad that this group doesn’t get more time. It also rushes the storyline in a really weird way- this whole “Spencer kisses a boy” thing feels like an after though, or maybe an encore? Like: “Let’s give ’em one more gay kiss for the road, folks!”

  3. I like this group of newbies specifically because they actually look like outsiders…that sounds mean, I realize, but the entire premise of the show in the beginning was all these awkward people who, through the power of song, got pretty and popular. But the previous groups didn’t actually seem all that outsider-y actually…if that makes sense? Like, they tried really hard to make them seem like the awkward unpopular kids everyone knew or was in high school but they didn’t do the best job…they still looked too “hollywood”, I guess? I don’t know. These kids look so much more…realistic? Like, they’re quirky. Lea Michele is not quirky, Jenna Ushkowitz (?) is only “quirky” ’cause she’s not white and they put her in some weird clothes, etc..
    tl;dr: the majority of these kids are actually awkward, and that’s refreshing.

  4. Oh, God, Roderick and the rope-climbing. I could never climb the rope, and they’d make you do it in front of everyone, and I haven’t been forced to climb anything in front of a group in 20+ years, but I never fully got over it. Chubby kids unite!

  5. Like Cool Kids, I don’t get the song “your lips are moving”. She never presents any evidence that the dude’s actually lying, other than that his lips are moving. But she knows. Oh, she knows.

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