Glee Episode 609 Recap: Child Starlight Star Bright Not The Lesbian I Want To See Tonight

Well folks, it didn’t take long for Sue Sylvester to become Myron Manichewitz’s personal slave. She administers his Vitamin B IV drips every morning and stays up all night every night reading his Torah portion out loud in hopes that he’ll absorb via osmosis.

"The anticipation of an authoritative disclosure of meaning is the means by which that authority is attributed and installed: the ancitipation conjures its object. I wondered whether we do not labor under a similar expectation concerning gender, that it operates as an interior essence that might be disclosed, an expectation that ends up producing the very phenomenon that it anticipates."

“The anticipation of an authoritative disclosure of meaning is the means by which that authority is attributed and installed: the ancitipation conjures its object. I wondered whether we do not labor under a similar expectation concerning gender, that it operates as an interior essence that might be disclosed, an expectation that ends up producing the very phenomenon that it anticipates.”

Sue: He says ‘my espresso’ as if every bean was cultivated specifically for him.

That’s how I feel about my Nespresso.

For the last time you are too young and too male to hold your Bar Mitzvah at A-Camp, Myron!

Seeing as you are too young and too cis male to hold your Bar Mitzvah at A-Camp, Myron, I’d like to suggest an Atlantis Cruise

The only way Sue can end her misery, she insists, is to get Rachel, William, Sam and Sheldon on board as background dancers for the big 1-3. Sheldon hesitates due to his inability to dance, but Sue needs somebody do dance worse than her, so.

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Mason has successfully ditched his stalker sister wife long enough to re-ask Jane to Breadstix and to be his partner for the big Bar Mitzvah Spectacular Spectacular.

And for the record, I do enjoy a nice pegging every now and then

And for the record, I do enjoy a nice pegging every now and then


Over in the gymnasium, Spencer’s yelling at Roderick in hopes that with enough bullying, he’ll figure out how to climb up a rope. Maybe he has sensitive hand skin! You never know these days.

That beanstick is not fucking around, bro

That beanstick is not fucking around, bro

Spencer has some Real Talk for his not friend:

Spencer: Sometimes this stuff is ugly. When the guys on the football team work out, it gets messy and it hurts!
Roderick: I’m not on the football team.
Spencer: You know what you are absolutely right, because you’re too fat and you’re too lazy!
Roderick: You know, this is why my friend doesn’t wanna go out with you. Nobody wants to get close to you because you’re a dick.

You think this is hard? Try giving a hand job, that's hard!

You think this is hard? Try recapping this episode, THAT’S hard!


Cut to the cafeteria where Mason’s trying to interrupt everybody’s pursuit of tater tots and creamed corn in favor of his own little problems.

I can't let you eat that. It's poison.

I can’t let you eat that. It’s poison.

For example, his sister refuses to switch duet partners or let Mason go on a date with Jane, but when he stands his ground and won’t break down, she yells at him about gummy bears so loud that Jane is scared out of ever helping herself to a bite of his Chicken Con Broccoli. Obviously, Jane doesn’t want a repeat of that time my ex-boyfriend started dating a girl who was still married and her husband killed her cat.

What? Tori from Saved by the Bell is gay in real life?

What? Tori from Saved by the Bell is gay in real life?

Meanwhile, Spencer is still pining over The Poor Man’s Breckin Meyer, so much so that he finds himself bursting spontaneously into song. “Friday I’m In Love,” to be specific, the only song in this week’s episode that doesn’t make me want to climb a rope right on out of dodge.

http://youtu.be/SeLBDWef25c

Spencer wants to touch Breckin Allister McCloud’s soft hair and for Breckin to rub his hands on Spencer’s man-meat. That’s all.

Hey! Psst! Look! Look at me! I took my shirt off! See it? See my pecs! HEY HI BRO LOOK

Hey! Psst! Look! Look at me! I took my shirt off! See it? See my pecs! HEY HI BRO LOOK

Then everybody in Glee gets into a fight because Spencer says Roderick is a quitter and Roderick says Spencer is a dick and I say WHERE ARE THE LESBIANS.


At last it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for: The Bar Mitzvah of Myron Manichewitz. How long have you been waiting for this moment? Okay, I’ll go first: pretty much since Ellen came out.

You can have this rain-repellant blazer if you want it that badly, but you're gonna have to earn ti

For the last time, YES this blazer is weather-resistent and YES you can buy your own on etsy

Myron’s got his glitter suit on as he introduces the first song, “I Want To Break Free,” starring Mason as a Leather Daddy.

http://youtu.be/vXiy3zt9Hn4

The girls in the crowd GO WILD! He makes sexy eyes at Jane in the wings while Madison freaks out like she just realized she had two tampons in.

Did you see that? Did you see how I crushed the appetizer round?

Did you see that? Did you see how I crushed the appetizer round?

Then Madison finds Mason backstage and says his performance was moving and that it reminded her of how gifted he is and how crazy she’s become. OH WOMEN THEY SO CRAZZZAYYY

Madison: I’m not gonna lie — I was terrified and jealous when I found out you had an interest in Jane because I couldn’t stand the fact that I’m not the only lady in your life anymore. The truth is I’m actually kind of relieved. You don’t need me anymore. Though maybe you never did.
Mason: No, I’ll always need you, Madison. I just need a little more room for some other people so you’re not the only person in my life.
Madison: I’m just so used to taking care of you and looking after you and it’s not really because I wanted to, but because I felt like I had to.
Mason: You know I’m a better person because of you.
Madison: Well I’m a better person because of you.

I'm just saying it's a slippery slope. One minute we're in a romantic incest relationship with each other, and before you know it, we'll be marrying gay dogs

I’m just saying it’s a slippery slope. One minute we’re in a romantic incest relationship with each other, and before you know it, everybody will be gay and we’ll be poly-married to a German Shepard

Well, that was resolved quickly! Also, Madison thinks Jane is a stage hog.


EMERGENCY SOMEONE CALL THE GYNO! Myron’s trapped in his stage pod! We can’t get him out ’cause the rope holding the pod is jammed!

So that's where the rain came from for "Umbrella"

So that’s where the rain came from for “Umbrella”

Who will climb the rope and fix the jam! Well, Spencer knows: RODERICK! Only Roderick can climb the rope and fix the jam! Roderick doesn’t think he can do it but Spencer KNOWS HE CAN!

SOMEONE LATE-TERM ABORTION ME OUT OF THIS WOMB PRONTO

DOCTOR EXTRACT ME FROM THIS CRUEL WOMB!

RODERICK SUCEEDS! HE IS THE KING OF THE JUNGLE!

Spencer: In emergencies, even babies can lift cars.

Way to try anal, dude

Way to try anal, dude

Myron emerges from his nest, notices Santana and Brittany aren’t back yet, and “poops himself.” Sue sends the New Directions onstage to distract the people with “Uptown Funk” while she gets Myron into a fresh pair of On Gossamers.

http://youtu.be/ZBEd_kLqByk

It’s a cheerful ensemble number that really makes me wish we’d had these three kids for the past two seasons instead of Marley and those boys. They’ve got star power, these weirdos!


Sue’s exhausted and losing patience. She doesn’t even wanna perform anymore! But William refuses to let her bow out ’cause she made them do it so she has to do it. Those are the rules of feminism.

Sue: I don’t care about heel steps or point turns or old timey sayings found on Grandma’s sweatshirts and why are you even still here? You don’t even work at this school.
William: You asked me to help!

Listen, between you and me, that wasn't a Xanax I just popped — it was a Ritalin.

Listen, between you and me, that wasn’t a Xanax I just popped — it was a Ritalin. And if I don’t finish organizing the books in my office by color  right now I might just ie inside.

Sue’s furious at William for believing in lost causes. But William says that Sue’s only yelling at him because she can’t yell at her true nemesis, Ted Beneke, ’cause she’s secretly still crushing on his tax-evading ass. Sue reacts like all adults do in situations like this: she tackles him like a wild animal.

I SAID NO WIRE HANGERRSSSS

I SAID NO WIRE HANGERRSSSS


Elsewhere in this school, Stoner Trent’s jamming out on his uke to some hot tunes when Spencer shows up to be a bad flirt. Apparently Trent caught the big performance as recommended by his BFF Roderick, who’s put in a good word for Spencer. This is because Roderick is a better person than Spencer.

Poor Man’s Breckin Meyer: I wanted a chance to say sorry for ignoring you. Maybe I didn’t get the best first impression of you. Roderick told me about how you stood pf for him and you always had his back, well that was really cool of you, Spencer. I got a feeling that underneath all that macho snark, you’re a pretty sweet guy on the inside. Plus on the outside you’re smoking hot. I mean like, I’m not blind. You’re ridiculously hot.

Then Spencer convinces him to join Glee Club and they kiss. TA-DA!

This marks the first time in human history that someone wearing a glitter vest got some play

This marks the first time in human history that someone wearing a glitter vest got some play


It’s time for the big performance of “Break Free” by Ariana Grande! Myron descends in his pod! Everybody is wearing Hannukkah Colors!

http://youtu.be/VAnEk58wFcA

How glorious!

Okay on the count of three we drop him. You ready? One... two....

Okay on the count of three we drop him. You ready? One… two….


Guess what? Spencer made Roderick a better man! Roderick has stopped eating junk and has started working out. He’d even like to consume a protein supplement, but Spencer suggests he forego the supplements in favor of an organic chicken. Plus, Spencer’s super-jazzed for his date with a beanie.

Spencer: Yeah, Allister and I are finally going out. He’s amazing. He’s the first guy I ever met who actually makes me nervous. I really like him, I hope I don’t screw it up.
Roderick: Yeah, I hope you don’t either.

I dunno, man, I assumed they called it that 'cause it hurts to have your head bashed into a locker

I dunno, man, I assumed they called it that ’cause it hurts to have your head bashed into a locker


Myron would like to join the Glee Club at McKinley even though he’s only 13. Because his Uncle is the boss, he can do whatever he wants. I hope he gets himself a nice massage chair.

Here, it's poison

Here, it’s poison

William: Wait so what you’re saying is the Glee Club just got a brand-new highly talented singer and dancer who happens to be a member of the superintendent’s family? Wow, Sue, that has got to burn.
Sue: It is my Dunkirk, William. But it is just the first battle of the Great War to End All Wars.

Sue reminds William that she doesn’t retreat, she reloads. Indeed, Sue’s furious that the Glee Club still exists despite her efforts to eradicate it.

Move, bitch

Move, bitch

Get out the way

Get out the way

Get ut the way

Get out the way

OH NO! The fight's out

Move, bitch

I'ma 'bout to punch yo...lights out

GET OUT THE WAYYYYYYYYYY

Sue returns to her Storage Locker to plot her final act of destruction.

Sue: I will spend the last few weeks of my professional life fulfilling what I now know is my destiny. This may kill me in the end, I may not survive one last charge, but I swear to you, oh pretend people I am speaking to in my head and are very impressed with me, I will be the last man standing. As the great Khan once said to captain James T. Kirk, “From hell’s heart I stab at thee, William.” They can bury me in this hurt locker if they want to but you and your entire Glee Club are going to be buried in here with me.

Still I just don't see how the murder in Dallas connects to the assault and battery in San Antonio

Still I just don’t see how the murder in Dallas connects to the assault and battery in San Antonio


Myron says junior high is small potatoes and he gives Fake Quinn some money for lending him her panties.

If you're looking for a GrubHub discount code, you've come to the right place

If you’re looking for a GrubHub discount code, you’ve come to the right place

Then he tries to touch her butt. I think this is so we all know that he’s not actually gay even though I called him Ted Beneke’s Gay Nephew mere minutes earlier.


Rachel says their luck has changed and now they’ve almost got enough students to compete at Sectionals. William says some stuff about how Rachel is growing into a wonderful and intelligent young woman or whatever and then I lay some bricks and roll around on a mini-golf course and hang some paintings and catch some fish and then return to the television for more entertainment.

Is remembering that one episode where she had a crush on Mr. Schuster

Is remembering that one episode where she had a crush on Mr. Schuster

Time for the last scene musical number, “Cool Kids.” With the exception of “Friday I’m In Love,” this episode’s soundtrack theme seems to be “songs Riese always hears on the radio and hates ’cause they always get stuck in her head.”   Don’t believe me? Just watch!

http://youtu.be/Iq8VY84sYsM

Here’s what I don’t get about this song: of course the Cool Kids “seem to fit in,” that’s why they’re Cool Kids. So signing “I wish that I could be like the cool kids because all the cool kids they seem to fit in” is like singing “I wish that I could eat healthy food because all the healthy food seems like it’s healthy.” You know? These are the things that keep me up at night.

The We-Vibe 4 Worked For Us!

The We-Vibe 4 Worked For Us!

My notes for this scene read “William and Rachel are touched in their hearts because everybody is wearing matching green t-shirts.” THERE YOU HAVE IT.

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Riese is the 37-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2753 articles for us.

9 Comments

    • I really like Jane a lot, and I think that these new characters are actually way better than the New New Directions (Ryder, Marley, Jake, Joe, Rory). I wish they’d been introduced a few seasons ago instead of at the very end of the show’s run!

  1. Ha! Yes! Breckin Meyer with Alex Vega Hair! That’s exactly what he looks like!

    I do think some of these new characters are better than most of the old group of new characters (and honestly I can only think of three of them off the top of my head, Kitty, Unique and Marley), but still, I would much rather watch more Brittany and Santana, or other original New Directioners.

    This has definitely been a weird season.

  2. I’m definitely sad that this group doesn’t get more time. It also rushes the storyline in a really weird way- this whole “Spencer kisses a boy” thing feels like an after though, or maybe an encore? Like: “Let’s give ’em one more gay kiss for the road, folks!”

  3. I like this group of newbies specifically because they actually look like outsiders…that sounds mean, I realize, but the entire premise of the show in the beginning was all these awkward people who, through the power of song, got pretty and popular. But the previous groups didn’t actually seem all that outsider-y actually…if that makes sense? Like, they tried really hard to make them seem like the awkward unpopular kids everyone knew or was in high school but they didn’t do the best job…they still looked too “hollywood”, I guess? I don’t know. These kids look so much more…realistic? Like, they’re quirky. Lea Michele is not quirky, Jenna Ushkowitz (?) is only “quirky” ’cause she’s not white and they put her in some weird clothes, etc..
    tl;dr: the majority of these kids are actually awkward, and that’s refreshing.

  4. Oh, God, Roderick and the rope-climbing. I could never climb the rope, and they’d make you do it in front of everyone, and I haven’t been forced to climb anything in front of a group in 20+ years, but I never fully got over it. Chubby kids unite!

  5. Like Cool Kids, I don’t get the song “your lips are moving”. She never presents any evidence that the dude’s actually lying, other than that his lips are moving. But she knows. Oh, she knows.

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