We then ride our tricycles over To The Warbler Castle, where Jane is KILLING IT with “Tightrope.” If anybody can demolish a gendered situation in a way that favors the ladies, it’s Janelle Monae.
It’s bouncy energy let loose and swung back in, all elbows and neckties. Some Warblers are drawn right in while others resist the urge but it’s hard, because this girl is GOOD. She is really, really, really good.
We then smash our feet into our pointe shoes and piourette over to today’s meeting of The McKinley High School’s Tea Party Patriot Club!
Here, Private Army Air Force Marine General Puck, God Squad Goddess / Celibacy Club Co-Chair Quinn Fabray, Saving-Herself-for-Jesus Mercedes Jones, Tina Cohen-Chang and Is In Every Scene To Fuck With Our Heads Sam Evans have showed up to inspire some insufferable adolescents to come on down to funky town.
Puck suggests the Tea Partiers give up their three-cornered hats and stop being losers, but the head tightwad informs Puck and Pals that they’re not losers! In fact, this is McKinley’s most popular club!
Tina flips out to hear that bigotry is having a revival at McKinley and wails WHAT IS HAPPENING TO AMERICA??? The head butthole is eager to describe what’s wrong with Barack Hussein Obama’s America, to which Mercedes says OH HELL TO THE NO.
Mercedes: We don’t need you ignorant, backwards, lily-white, gay-hating, Obama-bashing clubbers anyway!
Then, for this episode’s best moment:
Sam: And you know what. Quinn once had sex with a Latina Lesbian. Oooh!!! Learned that in Glee Club.
Quinn cracks up as Sam pushes her and her muffins out of the room.
We then take a tram trolleymobile all the way back to Dalton, where The Warbler Council has voted against including Jane even though Jane is awesome. Apparently they want to maintain a brotherhood where they can make as many racist and misogynist jokes as they want without fearing recourse, like the Glee Writer’s Room.
Blaine assures Jane that he’ll threaten to resign unless they let her in, but Jane’s not even sure she wants to be in a club that doesn’t want her in their club.
Blaine: Yeah, because this is wrong. This is wrong. And sometimes, if you wanna make change, you got to make a little noise. I can fix this. I just need a little time.
Back at McKinley, Santana’s heading out to the football field with her lovers in tow, kindly reminding them that “sex sells.” I guess they’re gonna seduce these virile young men into their lair of song and then surprise them with a cover of “Hey Soul Sister.” It’s every adolescent male’s #1 dream.
For today’s sales lesson, the Sexy Sirens of Glee will be performing Ariana Grande’s “Problem,” which’s full of opportunities for our aggressively coy Pied Piperettes to engage in genitalia-centric hip grinding, short skirts that pop and lock and flirty hair flips and eye rolls.
It’s a very important moment for Queer Visibility because The Holy Trinity is now connected biblically as all Holy Trinities should be forever and ever Amen.
My girlfriend felt awkward regarding Naya singing Big Sean’s new girlfriend’s hit single. Ariana’s probs jealous because she didn’t have lesbian cheerleaders in her version.
We quickly learn that Fake Quinn’s also returned for Season Six, aka Season SEX. Turns out that Artie dropped Fake Quinn like a hot potato when he skipped off to get collegiate and Fake Quinn avoided the Great Glee Club Member Expunging of 2014 ’cause Sue knows a star when she sees one, “unlike Rachel Berry, who never even knew our names.”
Brittany: “I know your name. It’s Quinn!”
Quinn: “I’m Quinn.”
But there are two Cheerios in Kitty’s litter that are, in fact, interested in synchronized singing — meet Madison and Mason McCarthy!
Madison is played by Laura Dreyfuss (here’s her instagram), a Broadway girl who appeared in Once and Hair.
Singer-songwriter Billy Lewis, Jr plays Mason. Here’s his instagram. Billy was in the national touring companies of Hair, Spring Awakening (Lea Michelle played the lead female role in that show’s original cast) and Queen’s “We Will Rock You.”
So, back to the show: Mason and Madison want to audition together, which Quinn approves, citing her own tri-dition with Brittany and Santana. Much like The Holy Trinity, however, it turns out that this pair has some sexual tension:
Fake Quinn: Of course the incest twins want in. Let’s go, ladies. We have to explain to these two again why Flowers In The Attic is not a love story to aspire to.
Back in the Glee Room, aka The Gloom, Brittany is telling Kurt that he needs to burn all his clothes and tell Blaine that he’s going to dress like a real person now and then Blaine will take him back. But before Kurt can really dig in to this non-starter of a reunion plan, they hear it again. You know, IT. THE VOICE. THE MALE VOICE CAREENING THROUGH THE AIR VENTS LIKE A SOFT MELODY ON A SPRING DAY IN A YEAST-I-STAT COMMERCIAL.
Rachel and the Scooby gang chase this enchanting voice all through the school before landing themselves in the library and the source of this voice!
Oops! Wrong show. Here, it’s Roderick:
Initially, Roderick sees a physically attractive band of adults approaching him and assumes they’re gonna kick his ass. They insist that they’re coming in peace, but the pitch for Glee Club still barely lands: people already beat him up and Sue already calls him White Precious. Why make matters worse? He just wants to be invisible, anyhow. That’s how I feel because of street harassment! We have so much in common. Regardles, Rachel insists that Glee Club is a place “where misfits fit in.”
Quinn: “Look at us, we’re all so different, and yet there’s nothing that we wouldn’t do for each other. We’re all just a phone call away, and that’s because we all took a chance on Glee Club. And that’s something that you deserve as well.”
Probs she could’ve just gone with “and I had sex with a Latina Lesbian,” and he would’ve sprung for it, but whatever. He agrees to audition and basically, I guess, be Glee Club.
Back in Sue’s office, Sue is telling her journal about how miserable she is now that her white whale has returned and she must again fight the raging fury of Glee Club. In celebration, she’s been drinking motor oil, Bloody Mary Mix and bat guano in hopes of bleeding out and dying.
Sue decides to go with an old strategy by recruiting the Post-Modern Gay Football Player to infiltrate Glee Club. Unfortunately, he refuses her offer of a Tom Brady fleshlight.
Post-Modern Gay says he’s not for sale, and regardless, she’ll need better items if she’s gonna convince him to do her bidding. Probably he wants a scissoring sweatshirt.
We then take a romantic gondola ride over the river and through the woods down to The April Rhodes Memorial Pavillion, where Roderick is auditioning for Glee Club with “Mustang Sally.” He soon inspires backup from The Scissoring Sisters!
IT’S A HIT! HE’S IN! EVERYTHING IS BEAUTIFUL!
Some period of time later, Sue Sylvester announces that it’s Homecoming Day and introduces her Grand Marshal Becky Jackson, who’s gonna tase anybody who’s not wearing school colors. “Every student must bring two books to burn at the bonfire,” says Becky. I laugh.
Sue wrestles Becky off the microphone while Rachel sits sadly in the auditorium… thinking about Mr. Schue. Do they have Mr. Schue dummy text that they just stick in whenever they don’t know what to do next in a script? “Let’s have a kid talk about how much Mr. Schue changed their lives!”
Then, Kurt and Rachel and Roderick are discussing the location of their first rehearsal and Rachel has just gotten around to mentioning that this year’s roster includes TWO new recruits, not just one, when Blaine storms in. Blaine yells that they agreed not to poach anybody, so what’s the deal? You guessed it: Jane’s the latest student to take advantage of the incredible ease of transferring from Dalton to McKinley.
Kurt: Blaine, you have a full team and G-d knows how many other students at Dalton who would like to join —
Blaine: Don’t act all cool and loving about this Kurt, I’m sure you’re very happy about all this. I wouldn’t be surprised if you made this all happen after seeing me with Dave.
It’s a deep and uncalled-for dig, but there it is.
Blaine says that this whole “friendly competition” thing is over! Roderick is like, “oh shit, dramz.”
Kurt and Rachel trudge into the Glee Room for their first rehersal, which appears to have a staff to student ratio of about 5:1. Just kidding, 2.5:1! (#gleemath)
Santana: “As per usual, my undeniable sexual magnetism has worked yet again. This is Mason and Madison McCarthy.”
Santana has gotten the twins on board, and they’re ready to rumble:
Mason: Hey gang. We’re super pumped there’s a Glee Club again. Now, I know what you’re thinking, they can obviously log roll and kick toss, but can they sing? Well, not to toot our own horns—
Madison: TOOT! But we’ve worn karaoke night at the Wakapaneta Cheer Camp every summer since we were three. It’s in our blood. Our parents met while touring with the inspirational world famous singing group Up With People.
Santana: Oh no, no no no, I think I’ve made a mistake.
Rachel says Madison and Mason will have to submit to a rigorous audition process, to which Tina points out that Sugar Motta got in, so let’s be real and just let them in. Everybody piles on for a big group hug, for which Naya smashes on her best laundry-detergent-commercial grin, and just when I’m about to throw up in my mouth, Sam whips out his guitar and jumps on the back of a golf cart for this evening’s closing number!
“Home” delivers family-dining Glee with aplomb, rolling us into an optimistic acoustic songscape where all hallways lead to a room full of best friends singing in vaguely matching colors. Much to our collective relief, The New New Directions, unlike Marley McSnoozerton and the Two Snoozers, fit easily into the well-worn format of their predecessors.
We spin between school auditorium/hallway scenes and that evening’s big bonfire for homecoming, where Santana and Brittany get some vaguely sexual screen time as they skip hand-in-hand across the field, singing “man oh man you’re my best friend, I scream it to the nothingness,” then rubbing their gay shark foreheads together for “there ain’t nothing that I need.”
The couplet is true enough: now that they’re home, even Sue’s pyrotechnics fail to burn brighter than their amnesiac love for each other.
Of course we’re unsurprised when the shot careens into the locker room to discover Post-Modern Gay Spencer’s singing along while conducting a one-way staring contest with the Glee sign-up sheet that somehow made its way into the locker room. Fingers crossed he’s gonna turn out to have a thing for nelly bottoms and end up rump-roasting with Kurt by the end of the season!
Speaking of Kurt, Rachel casts a protective glance his way as they stand side-by-side at the bonfire, watching Karofsky sling a beary arm around Blaine as fireworks light up the sky.
Here’s the whole goshdarn thing:
And that’s our show!
Well, and there you have it! Next week on Glee, Santana is gonna propose to Brittany and we’ll bear witness to Glee‘s second attempt at covering transgender issues which undoubtedly will disappoint!