We then ride our tricycles over To The Warbler Castle, where Jane is KILLING IT with “Tightrope.” If anybody can demolish a gendered situation in a way that favors the ladies, it’s Janelle Monae.
http://youtu.be/ka6Js5OAZBg
It’s bouncy energy let loose and swung back in, all elbows and neckties. Some Warblers are drawn right in while others resist the urge but it’s hard, because this girl is GOOD. She is really, really, really good.
So whaddya say? Pizza party for everybody?
We then smash our feet into our pointe shoes and piourette over to today’s meeting of The McKinley High School’s Tea Party Patriot Club!
Who brought the bloody aborted fetuses photos for today’s Show and Tell?
Here, Private Army Air Force Marine General Puck, God Squad Goddess / Celibacy Club Co-Chair Quinn Fabray, Saving-Herself-for-Jesus Mercedes Jones, Tina Cohen-Chang and Is In Every Scene To Fuck With Our Heads Sam Evans have showed up to inspire some insufferable adolescents to come on down to funky town.
We’ve come here today to talk to you about the dangers of texting and driving
Puck suggests the Tea Partiers give up their three-cornered hats and stop being losers, but the head tightwad informs Puck and Pals that they’re not losers! In fact, this is McKinley’s most popular club!
You can’t fool me, I know a plate of anthrax muffins when I see them.
Tina flips out to hear that bigotry is having a revival at McKinley and wails WHAT IS HAPPENING TO AMERICA??? The head butthole is eager to describe what’s wrong with Barack Hussein Obama’s America, to which Mercedes says OH HELL TO THE NO.
Mercedes: We don’t need you ignorant, backwards, lily-white, gay-hating, Obama-bashing clubbers anyway!
Then, for this episode’s best moment:
Sam: And you know what. Quinn once had sex with a Latina Lesbian. Oooh!!! Learned that in Glee Club.
LOOK I’M A BIRD! COO! COO!
Quinn cracks up as Sam pushes her and her muffins out of the room.
We then take a tram trolleymobile all the way back to Dalton, where The Warbler Council has voted against including Jane even though Jane is awesome. Apparently they want to maintain a brotherhood where they can make as many racist and misogynist jokes as they want without fearing recourse, like the Glee Writer’s Room.
THERE’S A BIRD IN BLAINE’S HAIR AND IT’S EATING HIS EARS
Blaine assures Jane that he’ll threaten to resign unless they let her in, but Jane’s not even sure she wants to be in a club that doesn’t want her in their club.
Blaine: Yeah, because this is wrong. This is wrong. And sometimes, if you wanna make change, you got to make a little noise. I can fix this. I just need a little time.
Back at McKinley, Santana’s heading out to the football field with her lovers in tow, kindly reminding them that “sex sells.” I guess they’re gonna seduce these virile young men into their lair of song and then surprise them with a cover of “Hey Soul Sister.” It’s every adolescent male’s #1 dream.
Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Loser Like Me
For today’s sales lesson, the Sexy Sirens of Glee will be performing Ariana Grande’s “Problem,” which’s full of opportunities for our aggressively coy Pied Piperettes to engage in genitalia-centric hip grinding, short skirts that pop and lock and flirty hair flips and eye rolls.
http://youtu.be/AzcTPHI-B8w
It’s a very important moment for Queer Visibility because The Holy Trinity is now connected biblically as all Holy Trinities should be forever and ever Amen.
Nailed ’em
My girlfriend felt awkward regarding Naya singing Big Sean’s new girlfriend’s hit single. Ariana’s probs jealous because she didn’t have lesbian cheerleaders in her version.
No, MY boobs are bigger!
We quickly learn that Fake Quinn’s also returned for Season Six, aka Season SEX. Turns out that Artie dropped Fake Quinn like a hot potato when he skipped off to get collegiate and Fake Quinn avoided the Great Glee Club Member Expunging of 2014 ’cause Sue knows a star when she sees one, “unlike Rachel Berry, who never even knew our names.”
Brittany: “I know your name. It’s Quinn!”
Quinn: “I’m Quinn.”
Brittany: “Liar.”
Waking and Baking Worked For Me
But there are two Cheerios in Kitty’s litter that are, in fact, interested in synchronized singing — meet Madison and Mason McCarthy!
Yup, that’s her. That’s the one. That’s the one who writes those articles about preserving lemons on Autostraddle.
Madison is played by Laura Dreyfuss (here’s her instagram), a Broadway girl who appeared in Once and Hair.
HI LAURA!
Singer-songwriter Billy Lewis, Jr plays Mason. Here’s his instagram. Billy was in the national touring companies of Hair, Spring Awakening (Lea Michelle played the lead female role in that show’s original cast) and Queen’s “We Will Rock You.”
HI BILLY!
So, back to the show: Mason and Madison want to audition together, which Quinn approves, citing her own tri-dition with Brittany and Santana. Much like The Holy Trinity, however, it turns out that this pair has some sexual tension:
Fake Quinn: Of course the incest twins want in. Let’s go, ladies. We have to explain to these two again why Flowers In The Attic is not a love story to aspire to.
Artie totally thought Flowers in the Attic is a love story to aspire to and feels weird about it now
Back in the Glee Room, aka The Gloom, Brittany is telling Kurt that he needs to burn all his clothes and tell Blaine that he’s going to dress like a real person now and then Blaine will take him back. But before Kurt can really dig in to this non-starter of a reunion plan, they hear it again. You know, IT. THE VOICE. THE MALE VOICE CAREENING THROUGH THE AIR VENTS LIKE A SOFT MELODY ON A SPRING DAY IN A YEAST-I-STAT COMMERCIAL.
Is this the secret passageway to Hogsmeade?
Rachel and the Scooby gang chase this enchanting voice all through the school before landing themselves in the library and the source of this voice!
Be the power ballad that you want to see in the world
Oops! Wrong show. Here, it’s Roderick:
Look, I’m a slow reader, okay? Put yourself on the waitlist for Bad Feminist like everybody else did and wait ’til I’m done and stop following me around the library in the meantime.
Initially, Roderick sees a physically attractive band of adults approaching him and assumes they’re gonna kick his ass. They insist that they’re coming in peace, but the pitch for Glee Club still barely lands: people already beat him up and Sue already calls him White Precious. Why make matters worse? He just wants to be invisible, anyhow. That’s how I feel because of street harassment! We have so much in common. Regardles, Rachel insists that Glee Club is a place “where misfits fit in.”
Did you see our photo shoot in GQ? I’m wearing a very racy outfit. Maybe check that out and let me know if it changes your mind!
Quinn: “Look at us, we’re all so different, and yet there’s nothing that we wouldn’t do for each other. We’re all just a phone call away, and that’s because we all took a chance on Glee Club. And that’s something that you deserve as well.”
Probs she could’ve just gone with “and I had sex with a Latina Lesbian,” and he would’ve sprung for it, but whatever. He agrees to audition and basically, I guess, be Glee Club.
Back in Sue’s office, Sue is telling her journal about how miserable she is now that her white whale has returned and she must again fight the raging fury of Glee Club. In celebration, she’s been drinking motor oil, Bloody Mary Mix and bat guano in hopes of bleeding out and dying.
Day Six Of The Masters of Sex Cure: Got off three times today. I tend to have the same fantasies (sadistic) and masturbate in the same position (standing up, legs spread) doing the same things (clitoral stimulation, nipple play and staring at myself in the mirror)
Sue decides to go with an old strategy by recruiting the Post-Modern Gay Football Player to infiltrate Glee Club. Unfortunately, he refuses her offer of a Tom Brady fleshlight.
Thanks but I’ve already had my daily allotment of True Blood
Post-Modern Gay says he’s not for sale, and regardless, she’ll need better items if she’s gonna convince him to do her bidding. Probably he wants a scissoring sweatshirt.
It means “cut the crap”!
We then take a romantic gondola ride over the river and through the woods down to The April Rhodes Memorial Pavillion, where Roderick is auditioning for Glee Club with “Mustang Sally.” He soon inspires backup from The Scissoring Sisters!
http://youtu.be/iwadbnLJWl8
IT’S A HIT! HE’S IN! EVERYTHING IS BEAUTIFUL!
Some period of time later, Sue Sylvester announces that it’s Homecoming Day and introduces her Grand Marshal Becky Jackson, who’s gonna tase anybody who’s not wearing school colors. “Every student must bring two books to burn at the bonfire,” says Becky. I laugh.
Yo Sue, I’m really happy for you and Imma let you finish, but the A-Camp Co-Directors are the best announcement-makers of all time!
Sue wrestles Becky off the microphone while Rachel sits sadly in the auditorium… thinking about Mr. Schue. Do they have Mr. Schue dummy text that they just stick in whenever they don’t know what to do next in a script? “Let’s have a kid talk about how much Mr. Schue changed their lives!”
That’s right. A Screaming Orgasm. She gave me. a. screaming. orgasm.
Then, Kurt and Rachel and Roderick are discussing the location of their first rehearsal and Rachel has just gotten around to mentioning that this year’s roster includes TWO new recruits, not just one, when Blaine storms in. Blaine yells that they agreed not to poach anybody, so what’s the deal? You guessed it: Jane’s the latest student to take advantage of the incredible ease of transferring from Dalton to McKinley.
Kurt: Blaine, you have a full team and G-d knows how many other students at Dalton who would like to join —
Blaine: Don’t act all cool and loving about this Kurt, I’m sure you’re very happy about all this. I wouldn’t be surprised if you made this all happen after seeing me with Dave.
It’s a deep and uncalled-for dig, but there it is.
You did WHAT with OUR platinum butt plug?
Blaine says that this whole “friendly competition” thing is over! Roderick is like, “oh shit, dramz.”
Kurt and Rachel trudge into the Glee Room for their first rehersal, which appears to have a staff to student ratio of about 5:1. Just kidding, 2.5:1! (#gleemath)
Santana: “As per usual, my undeniable sexual magnetism has worked yet again. This is Mason and Madison McCarthy.”
Who wants to play paddycake?
Santana has gotten the twins on board, and they’re ready to rumble:
Mason: Hey gang. We’re super pumped there’s a Glee Club again. Now, I know what you’re thinking, they can obviously log roll and kick toss, but can they sing? Well, not to toot our own horns—
Madison: TOOT! But we’ve worn karaoke night at the Wakapaneta Cheer Camp every summer since we were three. It’s in our blood. Our parents met while touring with the inspirational world famous singing group Up With People.
Santana: Oh no, no no no, I think I’ve made a mistake.
Rachel says Madison and Mason will have to submit to a rigorous audition process, to which Tina points out that Sugar Motta got in, so let’s be real and just let them in. Everybody piles on for a big group hug, for which Naya smashes on her best laundry-detergent-commercial grin, and just when I’m about to throw up in my mouth, Sam whips out his guitar and jumps on the back of a golf cart for this evening’s closing number!
FYI, I’m definitely not saving myself for marriage, sooooooo…
“Home” delivers family-dining Glee with aplomb, rolling us into an optimistic acoustic songscape where all hallways lead to a room full of best friends singing in vaguely matching colors. Much to our collective relief, The New New Directions, unlike Marley McSnoozerton and the Two Snoozers, fit easily into the well-worn format of their predecessors.
WE’RE READY FOR OUR JUNIOR MINTS!
We spin between school auditorium/hallway scenes and that evening’s big bonfire for homecoming, where Santana and Brittany get some vaguely sexual screen time as they skip hand-in-hand across the field, singing “man oh man you’re my best friend, I scream it to the nothingness,” then rubbing their gay shark foreheads together for “there ain’t nothing that I need.”
We’re gonna have so much fun with our We-Vibe tonight!
The couplet is true enough: now that they’re home, even Sue’s pyrotechnics fail to burn brighter than their amnesiac love for each other.
Put this on your budget and smoke it
Of course we’re unsurprised when the shot careens into the locker room to discover Post-Modern Gay Spencer’s singing along while conducting a one-way staring contest with the Glee sign-up sheet that somehow made its way into the locker room. Fingers crossed he’s gonna turn out to have a thing for nelly bottoms and end up rump-roasting with Kurt by the end of the season!
I swear I left my hoodie in here somewhere
Speaking of Kurt, Rachel casts a protective glance his way as they stand side-by-side at the bonfire, watching Karofsky sling a beary arm around Blaine as fireworks light up the sky.
See those chemtrails? They’re spraying the U.S. population with toxic chemicals for population control!
Here’s the whole goshdarn thing:
http://youtu.be/306JHaBBrLw
And that’s our show!
Well, and there you have it! Next week on Glee, Santana is gonna propose to Brittany and we’ll bear witness to Glee‘s second attempt at covering transgender issues which undoubtedly will disappoint!
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I think Naya singing Problem is totes appropriate because Ariana Grande makes me so upset when I watch her perform. She always looks so unsure of where she’s supposed to be standing and is never 100% invested in the performance. It’s boring and lazy. Naya on the other hand is an expert performer.
I stopped watching last season, but I will be watching the final season and reading these recaps. =)
Todd in the Shadows once described Ariana Grande’s enunciation as “Elmer Fudd-like”. (“this is the pawt where I bwake fwee”)
I still don’t understand how having an all male prep school is discriminatory or somehow morally wrong. There are gender selective prep schools all over the country.
yeah i didn’t understand that either! there’s nothing wrong with same-gender schools. also it didn’t make sense — if they let her into the school, as improbable as that seems to me, then they let her into the school, period. that should also include extracurriculars?
Oh man, Quinn’s laugh as they were leaving the Tea Party club was THE BEST! Also seeing Quinn, Santana and Brittany together reminded me of what I loved about this show. Riese, I love your recaps and I’m so scared for next week’s trans storyline.
I am also terrified. Maybe we can (consensually) hold each other if it all gets to be too much? My expectations are set low–very, very, very low.
But now that the holy trinity is back, I feel like we’ll be OK. The only good episodes last season were the ones with Naya in them.
Oh yea Quinn gave me so much life with that laugh….& the hair. Haha…Puck’s “come here, you are precious” had me as well LOL
Apparently that was Dianna’s laugh not Quinns, he wasn’t supposed to bump into her and she laughed and they just left it in. so awesome
I’m very very afraid of the trans storyline, we know how well glee has handled EVERY sensitive subject ever.
“Apparently they want to maintain a brotherhood where they can make as many racist and misogynist jokes as they want without fearing recourse, like the Glee Writer’s Room.”
Best Glee burn I have heard in six seasons.
I hope you enjoyed recapping the episode with more than one lady in it!
If only Santana would propose to Brittany and Quinn. Also, DIANNA, you weren’t supposed to come back! NOW I HAVE TO WATCH THE SHOW. UGH.
YOU FORGOT THE FABERRY BACKGROUND HUG!!!
Naya Rivera: proving that it’s possible to sing those high notes and remain intelligible. Like, jfc, Grande, LEARN TO FUCKING ENUNCIATE WHILE YOU SING.
So…I’m struggling against the Agron siren call. Should I watch Glee again y/n?
Yes…don’t think…..just dance to the cheerleader hormonal bop!
Or was that rhetorical?
GAHHH TIE YOURSELF TO THE MAST STUFF YOUR EARS WITH WAX SHUT YOUR EYES ITS NOT HAPPENING ITS NOT HAPPENING LA DEE DA DIANNA YOU WILL NOT MAKE ME WATCH THIS SHOW AGAIN…
DOOO ITTTTT. Seriously though, just multi-task and only look up when Quinn/Santana/Brittany are on screen. That’s what I do. Also Dianna’s new hair style/color alone almost makes it worth it. She is just stupidly gorgeous.
Okay, this I think I can follow – only watch when the Unholy Trinity have substantive screentime. I’m still furious about how forced Quinn and Puck are, but it doesn’t seem like they ever interact with each other so I can ignore Quick.
Rachel’s smug face: “You know, once Quinn brought me to orgasm from oral sex while I was lying on this very piano … That’s right. A Screaming Orgasm. She gave me. a. screaming. orgasm.”
I. Cannot. Get this. Out of. My head! Can’t function! Need help!
(Also is this a quality fanfiction anywhere?)
I’m so surprised that I kinda liked these episodes (maybe just a couple of meta jokes, not 458, would have been enough and actually funny, but it’s Ryan Murphy we’re talking about, so), and I’m sure that it’s mostly thanks to The (Un)Holy Trinity. Quinn’s laugh was the best part.
Also I’d read yours and Heather’s Glee recaps forever, it’s like my idea of heaven (and probably yours of hell, sorry)
LOLed at the Serial caption.
Every time I see that there’s Brittany/Santana content, I gravitate towards Glee like a severely emotionally damaged homing pigeon.
A pigeon whose head says, NAY, but whose heart says, GAY.
“You know, once Quinn brought me to orgasm from oral sex while I was lying on this very piano”
FANFICTION! GO!
Did you all notice HeMo losing it during the library scene, after she does the line about not making fun of Rachel at least not to her face? It’s nice to see the original cast having so much fun together again…
“Apparently they want to maintain a brotherhood where they can make as many racist and misogynist jokes as they want without fearing recourse, like the Glee Writer’s Room.”
Nailed it.
I could watch the Unholy Trinity prance around in those cheerleader skirts forever, no shame.
I don’t think I’m gonna start watching again. I might watch the very last episode but tbh I’m never gonna be able to get enough enthusiasm up to track down a streaming link and sit through the darn show. I’m happy to see Max Adler and Dianna back though. Always thought they handled Karofsky so badly, he had the potential to be such an interesting character and there were some truly fantastic moments with him but, as per usual, Glee doesn’t know how to do good things.
But seeing Max’s happy little face is nice, even if Klaine is basically guaranteed to be endgame at this point. Wouldn’t be surprised if they paired the spares, and after the inevitable hatesex between Kurt and PMG, Karofsky and PMG end up bumping uglies.