Glee Episode 602 Recap: Homo-coming

Hello and welcome to the second recap of the sixth season of everybody’s favorite claymation movie-musical high-stakes gameshow horror thriller show, GleeI hope you enjoyed Heather Hogan’s recap of Episode 601! Heather, I hope you also enjoyed Episode 601. I hope you enjoyed having “Let It Go” in your half of the recap. I got a little nervous near the end that there was gonna be a little bit of “Let It Go” in my half, and then I realized that 601 and 602 were totally different episodes, not just one monster episode! I still haven’t seen Frozen, is the thing.

glee-me-horror

It looks like Glee is getting back on track towards something chewable or at least digestible. I wouldn’t ask for seconds (or for another season), but it’s fine enough, it’ll do for lunch today and maybe lunch tomorrow. The McKinley Glee Club alums are back and they are like macaroni and cheese in that it’s not necessarily good for you but it’s pretty hard for even an amateur chef to fuck up. (It’s not impossible, however.) They’re back and that’s delightful and unimpeachable, and their return served to wipe our collective memory of when they were here every week but the show sucked anyway. LET’S BEGIN!


We open in the hallowed halls of Dalton Academy For Dudes, where Gay Blaine is sporting plaid-on-plaid and monologuing about how the identically-adorned ripe young homos of Dapper Dalton Happy Hour High breathed life into his bummed-out bones by embracing him as their musical leader shortly after Blaine’s devastating breakup with Kurt “Let’s Have a Kiki” Hummel.

MONICA, I'M READY FOR MY BLOW JOB!

I’M READY FOR MY BLOW JOB, BOYS!

After briefly experimenting with Natural Hair and Naked Necks, Blaine recalls how the never-changing familiarity of Dalton is what finally re-infused his life with buckets of joy. Yet no sooner has he noted his affection for patriarchal monotony when a pretty girl shows up to threaten all of that, forever. Meet Jane:

Hello, I'm here to make your show slightly less racist

I tailored this dashing bit of menswear all by myself, thanks Autostraddle!

I’m gonna tell you a little bit about the actors we’re meeting for the first time this season because I like knowing this stuff and maybe you do, too! So, Jane is played by Samantha Marie Ware. Here’s Samantha’s twitter and her instagram. Ware had only been acting for two years and was appearing in the Las Vegas production of “The Lion King” when she landed a spot as Nabulungi in “The Book of Mormon”‘s first National tour, which put her on the Broadway radar from which Glee seems to have snatched most of its newbies this season.

hello samantha

HI SAMANTHA!

So, back to the show: Jane’s smart ‘n savvy parents extracted her from her low-ranking arts-lacking Ohio school and got her into Dalton, and now she’d like to join the Warblers. This horrifies Blaine ’cause his Sectional Regional National Worldwide Quarterly Semifinals Plan was, basically, Naked Boys Singing.


We then change into some light joggers and take a quick sprint over to McKinley High School For Wayward Homos, where Rachel’s prancing about the hallways announcing the return of Glee Club while Master Sue Syvlester informs the proletariat that it’s homecoming week.

Until they became conscious they will never rebel, and until after they have rebelled they cannot become conscious

Until they became conscious they will never rebel, and until after they have rebelled they cannot become conscious.

Alas, Rachel’s forlorn to see that only rectum-related jokes have signed up to audition for her club. Then Becky hurls a slushie at her face.

But I'm not a tampon!

I’m never having period sex again!


Later that fine day, I think, the Prodigal Sundresses have gathered at Mr. Schuster’s Den of Dinner Delights for Rachel to discuss the refreshingly cold feeling of corn syrup on her skin and getting back to her roots as a loser.

Who put a whoopie cushion on this chair. Tell me.

Who put a whoopie cushion on this chair. Tell me now or nobody gets dessert.

Schuster wants to make some Show Choir Competition ground rules, like that they can’t steal each other’s set lists or hire the same cheer coach, but then Blaine shows up and wants advice on what to do about the Estrogen Party trying to edge her way into his Testosterone Team. They suggest that Blaine lets her on to the Warblers. Seriously though: it doesn’t actually make sense that a girl would get in to an all-boys school, but considering that that has already happened, why would she be barred from said school’s extracurricular activities?

It's fine, nobody will know that I peed in the chair, it'll be dry by the end of dinner anyhow, everything will be totally fine!

It’s fine, nobody will know that I peed in the chair, it’ll be dry by the end of dinner anyhow, everything will be totally fine


We then remove our clothing, squeeze our torsos into second-hand binders and compression bras, slip into some slacks, slide on some shiny shoes and shimmy on over to Dalton Academy for Dolts Who Don’t Realize Girls Are Better Than Boys. “What’s next, cat and dog Warblers?” asks an outraged Warbler, regarding letting Jane onto the team. Ah yes, ye olde slippery slope.

Okay, fine, I'll go first

Okay, fine, I’ll go first: I have been personally victimized by Regina George.

Unfortunately nobody’s asking the most important question of all: “What’s next, THE MINI-WARBLER?” to which I’d hope somebody would reply, “OBVIOUSLY.” The Gay Warblers are divided and cannot stand:

Gay Warbler: “We can’t have a girl Warbler! Imagine the sexual tension. We’d never get anything done.”
Gay Blaine: “But uh, aren’t most of you guys gay?”
Gay Warbler: “How dare you?!”
Gay Warbler #2: I have a girlfriend!
Gay Warbler #3: We all have girlfriends!
Gay Blaine: Really?
Gay Warblers #3-30: Really!

Blaine suggests they aim for the right side of history and let the girl in. Alas, the boys are still hung up on furry mammals/rodents possibly joining the Warblers which, let’s be real, wouldn’t be the worst idea ever.

Uh Alvin, You were a little flat. Watch it, Alvin...Alvin?...ALVIN!!!

Alvin…Alvin?…ALVIN!!!

The Head Warbler points out that Jane might suck. So, why not just let her sing first to see if they can reject her on a talent basis without having to change any of their weird laws.

Ugh why does this guy who looks like Kurt always sit next to me, he smells like Doritos

Ugh why does this guy who looks like Kurt always sit next to me, he smells like Doritos


Cut to The Becky Jackson Celebration Computer Lab, where Rachel and Kurt are sparring over how to organize sheet music and if “co-chair” is the right label for Kurt’s involvement in this symphonious disaster.

Really? You think THIS shirt/scarf combo is truly the actual worst shirt/scarf I've ever worn on this show? Well, let's head on down to the hulu plus archives and verify your thesis, little girl.

Really? You think THIS shirt/scarf combo is truly the actual worst shirt/scarf combo I’ve ever worn on this show? Looks like somebody’s not keeping up on the archives!

Regardless, nobody wants to join their stinkin’ club.

Kurt: McKinley has changed. Sue has got these kids thinking that the arts don’t even exist. We have got to tell them that Glee still exists.

Before Kurt and his t-shirt venture into the hallways to remind the children that this show is still on, Rachel hears a voice drifting through the speakers, like when Moses saw the burning bush, and she chases this disembodied talent into the boys locker room…

PUT YOUR PRIVATE PARTS AWAY BOYS

ACH! Such trackpants! My eyeholes!

…but once there, she cannot find the man behind the music. It’s basically like this:

Now they'll have to rely on body language LOLOLOL HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Now those clunkers will have to rely on body language LOLOLOL HAHAHAHAHAHAHA


A short-ish period of time later, Kurt’s apologizing for something and Rachel’s grinning ’cause she realized Kurt was right, that the children of McKinley are READY to FEEL THE MUSIC, they just need to be bullied into joining! But how will we show the light to these new naive children, Rachel Berry? WELL, WE’LL BRING THE OLD GANG BACK!?!!!

Bitch I might take your solo though

Bitch I might take your solo though

Bitch I'm just here for the paycheck thanks

Bitch where’s my paycheck

Bitch where my bae goes, I go

Bitch where my bae goes, I go

Bitch I got this shirt for 60% off 'cause I'm a Maxxonista

Bitch I got this shirt for 60% off ’cause I’m a Maxxonista

The Old Gang kinda accidentally left Tina to park the rental car and then forgot she existed, though. But don’t worry she found her way to The April Rhodes Memorial Pavillion:

Bitch why don't these bitches ever learn

Bitch why don’t these bitches ever learn

Kurt and Rachel are PUMPED!

LOOK IT'S MY BITCHES OMG

LOOK IT’S MY BITCHES OMG


Snapback to the Glee Room, where Kurt and Rachel are reminding the children that Glee Club changed all their lives forever and ever and even. Also, although Rachel KNOWS THEY HAVE LIVES OR WHATEVER, it’d be real cool if they could refrain from informing us what those lives consist of and stick around for like ten or so more episodes, ’cause otherwise they’ll lose Glee Club, and Glee Club’s the best club to have ever clubbed. It’s where everybody found their true selves!

Now I didn't wanna spoil the surprise, but this piano folds out into a multi-partner sex wedge!

Now I didn’t wanna spoil the surprise, but this piano folds out into a multi-partner sex wedge!

Kurt says they’ve gotta give McKinley “a little taste of what they’ve been missing” by re-claiming the hallway as a safe space for impromptu musical performances.

Using the device of Artie’s storyboarding assignment as a gateway to the sketches-come-to-life effect employed by the 1985 music video for A-ha’s “Take On Me,” we then segue into a classically hokey Glee ensemble number that delivers all we’ve come to expect from such things and more.

http://youtu.be/Cp3_ZZ7B26o

Here’s the original:

It’s a slap-bracelet-style symphony about wanting to turn that love you picture into the love you get, and in this case, the love they’re picturing is a new, ripe crop of young talents eager for their moment on the cafeteria table.

It's fun to play at the Y-M-C-A!

It’s fun to play at the Y-M-C-A!

You wanna bump hips with cheerleaders? You want to rock out with your geek out? Join us, we’re the allegedly unpopular people singing the popular songs! Every day can be like a Gay-Straight Alliance Body Acceptance Club hosted at The Limited Too! Free lemonade for everybody!


Back in the Hallowed Hallways of McKinley High School, we meet Roderick:

What about the Neesha call?

But what about the Neesha call…

Roderick is played by Noah Guthrie, who apparently got famous when his cover of “Sexy and I Know It” on YouTube went viral, landing him guest spots on Today and Dancing With The Stars. Of his invitation to audition for Glee, Guthrie recalls, “They were trying to cast the new season, and I guess they had seen some of my videos and heard my music, and they needed somebody who was kind of husky but also had a bluesy tone to their voice.”

HI NOAH

HI NOAH!

Rachel Berry picks up on the scent of a dork from a mile away, and attempts to come between him and his headphones with sweet-talk about joining Glee. Puck tells Rachel she scared him off and should’ve just given him a hand job and called it a day. Just kidding the hand job was my idea. Anyhow, Roderick would rather die alone than join their stupid club, obviously.


Cut back to Warblerville, where Blaine’s telling Jane that The Warblers would like to see her audition before proceeding with the rule-changing conversation. Jane stands up for herself without resorting to irrational melodrama or rolling right over and letting the man walk through, like Glee heroines usually do. Jane’s just speaking the truth:

Jane: Let me get this straight. I have to go in there and perform for The Warblers just to make sure I’m good enough to warrant them taking a closer look at their already sexist and discriminatory admissions policies?

Seriously, you need me to explain to you why I don't listen to Iggy Azaelia

Seriously, you need me to explain to you why Iggy Azaelia is the worst

Blaine says that The Warblers have been around since The War of 1812 and change is hard so it’d be cool if she could swallow her pride and audition and to that end, he brings her to her new vocal coach: Rachel Barbara Berry!

I loved the way you touched yourself in "Spring Awakening"

I loved the way you touched yourself in “Spring Awakening” it changed my life

Jane: Why are you helping me?
Rachel: Oh, well, look, we might be mortal show choir enemies but I’m a woman before all that, and I figure you’re fighting this fight for all of us girls.

Yes, all of us girls desperate to attend all-boys schools! This is probably how Sarah Lawrence went co-ed.

Come on I squirted YESTERDAY you think I can p

You know, once Quinn brought me to orgasm from oral sex while I was lying on this very piano

Rachel notes that Jane’s been listening to a lot of Janelle Monae on that little phonepiece of hers and therefore should def do “Tightrope” for her big audition, and also should command the audience with her body language and make eye contact, etc.

Damn I feel like my thong is giving my butt a hug

Is seeing Lesbian Jesus for the first time


Meanwhile, Kurt’s infiltrated the boys locker room / weight lounge area / captain’s deck to Go Down On Guys For Glee I MEAN to convince Post-Modern Gay Football Player Spencer Porter to join Kurt Hummel’s Hall & Oates Appreciation Club For Male Lesbians.

Wait, really? Pittsburgh isn't like that in real life?

Wait, really? Pittsburgh isn’t like that in real life?

But Spencer sees through Kurt’s Big Gay Plan.

Spencer: I know when you were in high school, being gay was how you primarily identified yourself, but that’s not my thing.
Kurt: Don’t you think it’s everyone else’s thing?
Spencer: When I told people I was gay, only two people had a problem with it. Coach Beiste kicked them off the team.
Kurt: Look, you’re naive if you don’t think you’re standing on our shoulders. Look, you owe Glee Club.
Spencer: Please, look, I owe Modern Family. Listen, when Coach Beiste kicked those guys off the football team, they cornered me by my car, got all up in my face. One of them ended the day wuth his jaw wired shut, and the other, I don’t think he ever stopped running. I can’t stand Gaga, I’ve never seen Newsies and I don’t write Archie fan fiction where Archie and Jughead are hot for each other. Just because you and I happen to be born in the 10% of the population who would choose Andrew Garfield over Emma Stone doesn’t mean we have anything else in common, so I’m not saying no to your Glee Club because it’s gay or straight, I’m saying no because it sucks. I’m sorry, man.

Oh come on

What’s next? You haven’t read any Klaine fanfic?

Firstly; that 10% number comes from the Kinsey Report, which used volunteer subjects in the ’50s and therefore was never considered an accurate sample size from which to draw conclusions about the entire population. So Post-Modern Gay is woefully uneducated in all areas of homosexual life, and, sadly, so are the writers of this show.

Is Spencer Porter:

A) A satiric look at how Gay Kids These Days have no clue how recently they would’ve been bullied out of their own skins and how hard older generations fought for their comfort

B) Glee patting itself on the back.

It’s hard to say.


We then ride our tricycles over To The Warbler Castle, where Jane is KILLING IT with “Tightrope.” If anybody can demolish a gendered situation in a way that favors the ladies, it’s Janelle Monae.

http://youtu.be/ka6Js5OAZBg

It’s bouncy energy let loose and swung back in, all elbows and neckties. Some Warblers are drawn right in while others resist the urge but it’s hard, because this girl is GOOD. She is really, really, really good.

Ah

So whaddya say? Pizza party for everybody?


We then smash our feet into our pointe shoes and piourette over to today’s meeting of The McKinley High School’s Tea Party Patriot Club!

Who brought the bloody aborted fetuses photos today?

Who brought the bloody aborted fetuses photos for today’s Show and Tell?

Here, Private Army Air Force Marine General Puck, God Squad Goddess / Celibacy Club Co-Chair Quinn Fabray, Saving-Herself-for-Jesus Mercedes Jones, Tina Cohen-Chang and Is In Every Scene To Fuck With Our Heads Sam Evans have showed up to inspire some insufferable adolescents to come on down to funky town.

We've come here today to talk to you about the dangers of texting and driving

We’ve come here today to talk to you about the dangers of texting and driving

Puck suggests the Tea Partiers give up their three-cornered hats and stop being losers, but the head tightwad informs Puck and Pals that they’re not losers! In fact, this is McKinley’s most popular club!

You can't fool me, I know that there are ANTHRAX in these muffins

You can’t fool me, I know a plate of anthrax muffins when I see them.

Tina flips out to hear that bigotry is having a revival at McKinley and wails WHAT IS HAPPENING TO AMERICA??? The head butthole is eager to describe what’s wrong with Barack Hussein Obama’s America, to which Mercedes says OH HELL TO THE NO.

Mercedes: We don’t need you ignorant, backwards, lily-white, gay-hating, Obama-bashing clubbers anyway!

Then, for this episode’s best moment:

Sam: And you know what. Quinn once had sex with a Latina Lesbian. Oooh!!! Learned that in Glee Club.

LOOK I'M A BIRD! COO! COO!

LOOK I’M A BIRD! COO! COO!

Quinn cracks up as Sam pushes her and her muffins out of the room.


We then take a tram trolleymobile all the way back to Dalton, where The Warbler Council has voted against including Jane even though Jane is awesome. Apparently they want to maintain a brotherhood where they can make as many racist and misogynist jokes as they want without fearing recourse, like the Glee Writer’s Room.

You did not just say "all lives matter"

THERE’S A BIRD IN BLAINE’S HAIR AND IT’S EATING HIS EARS

Blaine assures Jane that he’ll threaten to resign unless they let her in, but Jane’s not even sure she wants to be in a club that doesn’t want her in their club.

Blaine: Yeah, because this is wrong. This is wrong. And sometimes, if you wanna make change, you got to make a little noise. I can fix this. I just need a little time.


Back at McKinley, Santana’s heading out to the football field with her lovers in tow, kindly reminding them that “sex sells.” I guess they’re gonna seduce these virile young men into their lair of song and then surprise them with a cover of “Hey Soul Sister.” It’s every adolescent male’s #1 dream.

It's already been broughten

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Loser Like Me

For today’s sales lesson, the Sexy Sirens of Glee will be performing Ariana Grande’s “Problem,” which’s full of opportunities for our aggressively coy Pied Piperettes to engage in genitalia-centric hip grinding, short skirts that pop and lock and flirty hair flips and eye rolls.

http://youtu.be/AzcTPHI-B8w

It’s a very important moment for Queer Visibility because The Holy Trinity is now connected biblically as all Holy Trinities should be forever and ever Amen.

Nailed 'em

Nailed ’em

My girlfriend felt awkward regarding Naya singing Big Sean’s new girlfriend’s hit single. Ariana’s probs jealous because she didn’t have lesbian cheerleaders in her version.

No, MY boobs are bigger!

No, MY boobs are bigger!

We quickly learn that Fake Quinn’s also returned for Season Six, aka Season SEX. Turns out that Artie dropped Fake Quinn like a hot potato when he skipped off to get collegiate and Fake Quinn avoided the Great Glee Club Member Expunging of 2014 ’cause Sue knows a star when she sees one, “unlike Rachel Berry, who never even knew our names.”

Brittany: “I know your name. It’s Quinn!”
Quinn: “I’m Quinn.”
Brittany: “Liar.”

Is so glad she went to the Wake and Bake

Waking and Baking Worked For Me

But there are two Cheerios in Kitty’s litter that are, in fact, interested in synchronized singing — meet Madison and Mason McCarthy!

Yup, that's her. That's the one. That's the one who writes that article about preserving lemons on Autostraddle.

Yup, that’s her. That’s the one. That’s the one who writes those articles about preserving lemons on Autostraddle.

Madison is played by Laura Dreyfuss (here’s her instagram), a Broadway girl who appeared in Once and Hair.

HI LAURA!

HI LAURA!

Singer-songwriter Billy Lewis, Jr plays Mason. Here’s his instagram. Billy was in the national touring companies of Hair, Spring Awakening (Lea Michelle played the lead female role in that show’s original cast) and Queen’s “We Will Rock You.

HI BILLY!

HI BILLY!

So, back to the show: Mason and Madison want to audition together, which Quinn approves, citing her own tri-dition with Brittany and Santana. Much like The Holy Trinity, however, it turns out that this pair has some sexual tension:

Fake Quinn: Of course the incest twins want in. Let’s go, ladies. We have to explain to these two again why Flowers In The Attic is not a love story to aspire to.

Totally thought Flowers in the Attic

Artie totally thought Flowers in the Attic is a love story to aspire to and feels weird about it now


Back in the Glee Room, aka The Gloom, Brittany is telling Kurt that he needs to burn all his clothes and tell Blaine that he’s going to dress like a real person now and then Blaine will take him back. But before Kurt can really dig in to this non-starter of a reunion plan, they hear it again. You know, IT. THE VOICE. THE MALE VOICE CAREENING THROUGH THE AIR VENTS LIKE A SOFT MELODY ON A SPRING DAY IN A YEAST-I-STAT COMMERCIAL.

Is this the secret passageway to Hogsmeade?

Is this the secret passageway to Hogsmeade?

Rachel and the Scooby gang chase this enchanting voice all through the school before landing themselves in the library and the source of this voice!

Be the power ballad that you want to see in the world

Be the power ballad that you want to see in the world

Oops! Wrong show. Here, it’s Roderick:

Look, I'm a slow reader, okay? Put yourself on the waitlist for Bad Feminist like everybody else did and wait 'til I'm done.

Look, I’m a slow reader, okay? Put yourself on the waitlist for Bad Feminist like everybody else did and wait ’til I’m done and stop following me around the library in the meantime.

Initially, Roderick sees a physically attractive band of adults approaching him and assumes they’re gonna kick his ass. They insist that they’re coming in peace, but the pitch for Glee Club still barely lands: people already beat him up and Sue already calls him White Precious. Why make matters worse? He just wants to be invisible, anyhow. That’s how I feel because of street harassment! We have so much in common. Regardles, Rachel insists that Glee Club is a place “where misfits fit in.”

Have you ever looked up Santana and Brittany's sex tape?

Did you see our photo shoot in GQ? I’m wearing a very racy outfit. Maybe check that out and let me know if it changes your mind!

Quinn: “Look at us, we’re all so different, and yet there’s nothing that we wouldn’t do for each other. We’re all just a phone call away, and that’s because we all took a chance on Glee Club. And that’s something that you deserve as well.”

Probs she could’ve just gone with “and I had sex with a Latina Lesbian,” and he would’ve sprung for it, but whatever. He agrees to audition and basically, I guess, be Glee Club.


Back in Sue’s office, Sue is telling her journal about how miserable she is now that her white whale has returned and she must again fight the raging fury of Glee Club. In celebration, she’s been drinking motor oil, Bloody Mary Mix and bat guano in hopes of bleeding out and dying.

Day Six Of The Masters of Sex Cure: Got off, like, three times today. I tend to have the same fantasies (safistic) and masturbate in the same position (straight, closed legs, on back) doing the same things (clitoral stimulation, nipple play and massaging stomach/groin area with free hand)

Day Six Of The Masters of Sex Cure: Got off three times today. I tend to have the same fantasies (sadistic) and masturbate in the same position (standing up, legs spread) doing the same things (clitoral stimulation, nipple play and staring at myself in the mirror)

Sue decides to go with an old strategy by recruiting the Post-Modern Gay Football Player to infiltrate Glee Club. Unfortunately, he refuses her offer of a Tom Brady fleshlight.

Thanks but I've already had my daily allotment of True Blood

Thanks but I’ve already had my daily allotment of True Blood

Post-Modern Gay says he’s not for sale, and regardless, she’ll need better items if she’s gonna convince him to do her bidding. Probably he wants a scissoring sweatshirt.

It means "cut the crap"

It means “cut the crap”!


We then take a romantic gondola ride over the river and through the woods down to The April Rhodes Memorial Pavillion, where Roderick is auditioning for Glee Club with “Mustang Sally.” He soon inspires backup from The Scissoring Sisters!

http://youtu.be/iwadbnLJWl8

IT’S A HIT! HE’S IN! EVERYTHING IS BEAUTIFUL!


Some period of time later, Sue Sylvester announces that it’s Homecoming Day and introduces her Grand Marshal Becky Jackson, who’s gonna tase anybody who’s not wearing school colors. “Every student must bring two books to burn at the bonfire,” says Becky. I laugh.

Yo Sue, I'm really happy for you and Imma let you finish, but Marni and Robin were the best announcers of all time!

Yo Sue, I’m really happy for you and Imma let you finish, but the A-Camp Co-Directors are the best announcement-makers of all time!

Sue wrestles Becky off the microphone while Rachel sits sadly in the auditorium… thinking about Mr. Schue. Do they have Mr. Schue dummy text that they just stick in whenever they don’t know what to do next in a script? “Let’s have a kid talk about how much Mr. Schue changed their lives!”

That's right. A Screaming Orgasm. She gave me. a. screaming. orgasm.

That’s right. A Screaming Orgasm. She gave me. a. screaming. orgasm.

Then, Kurt and Rachel and Roderick are discussing the location of their first rehearsal and Rachel has just gotten around to mentioning that this year’s roster includes TWO new recruits, not just one, when Blaine storms in. Blaine yells that they agreed not to poach anybody, so what’s the deal? You guessed it: Jane’s the latest student to take advantage of the incredible ease of transferring from Dalton to McKinley.

Kurt: Blaine, you have a full team and G-d knows how many other students at Dalton who would like to join —
Blaine: Don’t act all cool and loving about this Kurt, I’m sure you’re very happy about all this. I wouldn’t be surprised if you made this all happen after seeing me with Dave.

It’s a deep and uncalled-for dig, but there it is.

You did WHAT with my platinum butt plug?

You did WHAT with  OUR platinum butt plug?

Blaine says that this whole “friendly competition” thing is over! Roderick is like, “oh shit, dramz.”


Kurt and Rachel trudge into the Glee Room for their first rehersal, which appears to have a staff to student ratio of about 5:1. Just kidding, 2.5:1! (#gleemath)

Santana: “As per usual, my undeniable sexual magnetism has worked yet again. This is Mason and Madison McCarthy.”

Boobs? No way!

Who wants to play paddycake?

Santana has gotten the twins on board, and they’re ready to rumble:

Mason: Hey gang. We’re super pumped there’s a Glee Club again. Now, I know what you’re thinking, they can obviously log roll and kick toss, but can they sing? Well, not to toot our own horns—
Madison: TOOT! But we’ve worn karaoke night at the Wakapaneta Cheer Camp every summer since we were three. It’s in our blood. Our parents met while touring with the inspirational world famous singing group Up With People.
Santana: Oh no, no no no, I think I’ve made a mistake.

Rachel says Madison and Mason will have to submit to a rigorous audition process, to which Tina points out that Sugar Motta got in, so let’s be real and just let them in. Everybody piles on for a big group hug, for which Naya smashes on her best laundry-detergent-commercial grin, and just when I’m about to throw up in my mouth, Sam whips out his guitar and jumps on the back of a golf cart for this evening’s closing number!

FYI, I'm definitely not saving myself for marriage

FYI, I’m definitely not saving myself for marriage, sooooooo…

“Home” delivers family-dining Glee with aplomb, rolling us into an optimistic acoustic songscape where all hallways lead to a room full of best friends singing in vaguely matching colors. Much to our collective relief, The New New Directions, unlike Marley McSnoozerton and the Two Snoozers, fit easily into the well-worn format of their predecessors.

WE GOT TWO PICKLES HEY HEY HEY HEY

WE’RE READY FOR OUR JUNIOR MINTS!

We spin between school auditorium/hallway scenes and that evening’s big bonfire for homecoming, where Santana and Brittany get some vaguely sexual screen time as they skip hand-in-hand across the field, singing “man oh man you’re my best friend, I scream it to the nothingness,” then rubbing their gay shark foreheads together for “there ain’t nothing that I need.”

We're gonna have so much fun with our We-Vibe tonight!

We’re gonna have so much fun with our We-Vibe tonight!

The couplet is true enough: now that they’re home, even Sue’s pyrotechnics fail to burn brighter than their amnesiac love for each other.

One Tall Drink of Water, Coming Right Up

Put this on your budget and smoke it

Of course we’re unsurprised when the shot careens into the locker room to discover Post-Modern Gay Spencer’s singing along while conducting a one-way staring contest with the Glee sign-up sheet that somehow made its way into the locker room. Fingers crossed he’s gonna turn out to have a thing for nelly bottoms and end up rump-roasting with Kurt by the end of the season!

I swear I left my hoodie in here somwhere

I swear I left my hoodie in here somewhere

Speaking of Kurt, Rachel casts a protective glance his way as they stand side-by-side at the bonfire, watching Karofsky sling a beary arm around Blaine as fireworks light up the sky.

See those chemtrails? They're spraying the U.S. population with toxic chemicals for population control

See those chemtrails? They’re spraying the U.S. population with toxic chemicals for population control!

Here’s the whole goshdarn thing:

http://youtu.be/306JHaBBrLw

And that’s our show!


Well, and there you have it! Next week on Glee, Santana is gonna propose to Brittany and we’ll bear witness to Glee‘s second attempt at covering transgender issues which undoubtedly will disappoint!


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Riese is the 39-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2862 articles for us.

25 Comments

  1. I think Naya singing Problem is totes appropriate because Ariana Grande makes me so upset when I watch her perform. She always looks so unsure of where she’s supposed to be standing and is never 100% invested in the performance. It’s boring and lazy. Naya on the other hand is an expert performer.

    I stopped watching last season, but I will be watching the final season and reading these recaps. =)

    • yeah i didn’t understand that either! there’s nothing wrong with same-gender schools. also it didn’t make sense — if they let her into the school, as improbable as that seems to me, then they let her into the school, period. that should also include extracurriculars?

  2. Oh man, Quinn’s laugh as they were leaving the Tea Party club was THE BEST! Also seeing Quinn, Santana and Brittany together reminded me of what I loved about this show. Riese, I love your recaps and I’m so scared for next week’s trans storyline.

    • I am also terrified. Maybe we can (consensually) hold each other if it all gets to be too much? My expectations are set low–very, very, very low.

      But now that the holy trinity is back, I feel like we’ll be OK. The only good episodes last season were the ones with Naya in them.

    • Apparently that was Dianna’s laugh not Quinns, he wasn’t supposed to bump into her and she laughed and they just left it in. so awesome

      I’m very very afraid of the trans storyline, we know how well glee has handled EVERY sensitive subject ever.

  3. “Apparently they want to maintain a brotherhood where they can make as many racist and misogynist jokes as they want without fearing recourse, like the Glee Writer’s Room.”

    Best Glee burn I have heard in six seasons.

    I hope you enjoyed recapping the episode with more than one lady in it!

  4. Rachel’s smug face: “You know, once Quinn brought me to orgasm from oral sex while I was lying on this very piano … That’s right. A Screaming Orgasm. She gave me. a. screaming. orgasm.”

    I. Cannot. Get this. Out of. My head! Can’t function! Need help!

  5. I’m so surprised that I kinda liked these episodes (maybe just a couple of meta jokes, not 458, would have been enough and actually funny, but it’s Ryan Murphy we’re talking about, so), and I’m sure that it’s mostly thanks to The (Un)Holy Trinity. Quinn’s laugh was the best part.

    Also I’d read yours and Heather’s Glee recaps forever, it’s like my idea of heaven (and probably yours of hell, sorry)

    LOLed at the Serial caption.

  6. I don’t think I’m gonna start watching again. I might watch the very last episode but tbh I’m never gonna be able to get enough enthusiasm up to track down a streaming link and sit through the darn show. I’m happy to see Max Adler and Dianna back though. Always thought they handled Karofsky so badly, he had the potential to be such an interesting character and there were some truly fantastic moments with him but, as per usual, Glee doesn’t know how to do good things.

    But seeing Max’s happy little face is nice, even if Klaine is basically guaranteed to be endgame at this point. Wouldn’t be surprised if they paired the spares, and after the inevitable hatesex between Kurt and PMG, Karofsky and PMG end up bumping uglies.

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