Welcome to the seventeenth episode of the fifth GLORIOUS season of Glee, a children’s television series featuring costumed performers dressed as animal characters. This week’s episode swallowed and digested a series of crucial topics including seaweed soap, leotards, being punk, missing socks, Cialis, bra-sharing, tap-dancing, synchronized eating and underage driving. Everybody had THE BEST TIME and shared their graham crackers.

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We open deep inside the recesses of Rachel’s damaged psyche — she’s having a nightmare. In this nightmare, it’s opening night and Rachel’s naked and Santana’s in her Cheerios outfit with a fabulous blowout and Tina’s stuttering in combat boots and Rachel’s naked and you know how it is. Nightmares. LOL!

Then Rachel’s tooth falls out! That happened to me in a nightmare last week, apparently it means I’M A LIAR.

Everybody’s back for the nightmare: Jacob Ben-Getoutofmyface, Principal Sylvester, Becky, the whole gang! Remember Karofsky? This is what dreams are: guest cameos by characters you’d forgotten about. Just one after the other.

Then, the nightmare becomes a MUSICAL NUMBER! Rachel’s doing “Lovefool,” by The Cardigans, from the epic album First Band on the Moon. (It also appeared on the epic Romeo & Juliet soundtrack.) I loved the FUCK out of this song in the mid-’90s, I even made a music video for it, starring my BFF Kristyna. She wore my winter hat from the army supply store and a flower shirt from Delia*s that cost $36. Seriously, as Rachel launched into this song, I could actually hear my Mom yelling from the other room to shut off that g-dforsaken song.

http://youtu.be/AeoOYpvWy98

Rachel wakes up in a sweaty panic!

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Cut to the Barbie Bushwick Dreamhouse Loft where Rachel’s spiraled into a deep well of loneliness after reading heaps of unkind internet comments. Oh honey. We’ve all been there.

Regardless, Rachel feels like a bottomless cup that needs to be filled with love and adoration and instead is filled with critiques about how “Jews control too much media.” Thus Kurt snatches her phone from her sad little paws and puts her on internet probation until opening night.

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We then remove our pants, put on an extra pair of underroos, smash our enormous duck feet into thigh-high Uggs, smear egg yolks in our hair, strap a jet-pack to our backs and zoom on back to sweet sweet Lima, Ohio, home of Pats Donuts & Kreme, where Sir William’s chatting with Sue Sylvester about his upcoming trip to New York — apparently Emma’s unable to accompany him because she’s too damn preggers.

Sue volunteers to take Emma’s seat because she HAS TO SEE NEW YORK, because she recently described New York on local television as “a loud, overcrowded cesspool of ten million people and 70 million rats, where the best one can expect after a Central Park wilding at one of the city’s hundreds of ethnic day parades is a soggy, pork anus frankfurter that a cockroach walked across,” and the network discovered she didn’t know what she was talking about so now she’s GOTTA check it out for herself. William consents, but only if she accompanies him to the Funny Girl opening.

So, thus we put on our snowpants and our sports bras, load up the canoe with lots of granola bars and Gatorade and paddle our way back to New York, New York, as represented by large colored pieces of cardboard:

http://youtu.be/H6hQwkD75b0

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Cut to The Barbie Bushwick Dreamhouse loft, where Tina’s shown up with a potted plant for Rachel to add to her Botanical Garden!

Tina immediately ruins everything by oversharing the following:

1. She hopes Rachel’s tonsils don’t flare up like they did that one time
2. Where are Quinn and Puck and Santana? Are they just not being supportive?
3. She read an amazing review of Funny Girl on Broadwayworld.com about how they think it’s gonna be a HUGE hit and Rachel should totally ignore those awful commenters who called her pitchy.
4. And also Rachel should ignore the anonymous comment trolls who think she’s too short.

At last, the kiddos succeed in getting Tina to shut her yap, and Rachel feigns zen-like feelings in order to excuse herself into the boudoir for a nap.

Obvs by “nap” she means she’s gonna hate-masturbate to Faberry fan-vids and hate-read Talkin’ Broadway. Then Mercedes tells Tina she’s being relocated to Mercedes’ apartment where she won’t ruin everything all the time.

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Cut to the middle of the deep blue night, where Kurt’s attempting to sleep but is rudely shaken from his slumber by an anti-Berry YouTube video being enjoyed at full volume on the other side of their thin little walls.

Rachel’s been up all night watching horrible videos and reading terrible reviews and has worked herself into a STATE.

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The next morning Kurt informs the troops that Rachel’s read ALL THE WORST THINGS and is now burrowed in her bed like a sad burrito. Her friends try to cheer her up with acoustic guitar and forged well-wishes from Barbara Streisand, but TO NO AVAIL.

Then, just when things couldn’t get ANY WORSE, Sue Sylvester shows up to announce she’s come to see Rachel Berry choke and will be spending the night.

Luckily for everybody here but especially me, Kurt has summoned a lesbian earth goddess to handle the situation-at-hand.

SANANANANANTNANTNANANANAAAAAA’S BACKKKK!!!! Where has she been? How was her vacation? Was she with Brittany? Is she still with Dani? What happened to Dani? What happened to the band? Did Brittany go back to MIT? Where is Santana living? All those questions and more will not be answered tonight.

Santana: “I am the closer. And in two minutes you are going to be out of this bed, ready to fist fight the Taliban and offering to buy me a diamond necklace.”

Rachel insists that she’s beyond help and def beyond pep talks, which’s a-ok with Santana ’cause she’s not here to pep, she’s here to read Rachel some negative reviews about Barbara Streisand circa 1964 to remind Rachel that everybody hates everybody!

As promised, Santana brings it home. Because a compliment from your best worst frenemy is worth ten thousand boxes of chai.

Santana: “You suck at so many things, but not at this. And the thing is that you don’t even have to believe me or yourself — all you have to do is get on that stage and open your mouth. You can’t do this badly; you don’t actually have it in you. You and I only have two speeds: AWESOME or NOT AT ALL. Who gives a crap what all the other peasants think? I can’t stand you 90% of the time, but even I know that if you drag your flat little ass out on that stage tonight, you’re gonna murder that crowd.”

It works.

RACHEL IS READY TO ROCK!

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Outside the theater, Sue’s trying to scalp her ticket when she spots the Chris Parnell from Saturday Night Live doing the same and they have a magical love connection.

Sue gives up on scalping and heads into the show to follow the new Love of Her Life. Meanwhile, backstage, Sir William surprises Rachel with yet another bouquet and she tells him that she got Finn a seat and I accidentally cry a little.

Rachel says she’s worried about getting through “Where Are You Now?” without falling into a depressive state, and Sir William reminds her that she can syphon energy from their loins simply by gazing into the area of the auditorium where the Gleeks will be sitting clutching programs in their sweaty palms.

Sir William: “Tonight is the best gift that a student could possibly give her teacher. You’re making my dreams come true too.”

But then William gets a call from Emma that she’s about to birth a tiny human into this wicked world so he’s going back to Ohio. Good talk.

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We then follow our young star on her walk from her dressing room through the backstage area past all the cast members warming up and wearing costumes and the orchestra is tuning and everything is suddenly thrillingly real and intense and her heart is beating and her breathing is heavy and then the curtain goes up, and she goes on, and HERE WE GO.

She kills it:
http://youtu.be/VnAhYJTBjsE

In the middle of the opening number, Sue Sylvester makes a quick getaway, stepping right over The New York Times reviewer. This is worse than when my best friend opened two granola bars and ate an apple during Streetcar. I LOVE YOU NATALIE. In the lobby Sue runs into Chris Parnell, who is a famous restaurateur named Mario in New York City. He also hated Funny Girl so now they’re gonna go somewhere else and ruin something else for somebody somewhere.

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Backstage at intermission Kurt and Mercedes are like, omg you did so good, and Rachel was like omg, but Sue and that guy left during the opening number do you think the reviewers noticed and they’re like oh no totes NBD.

Then Sidney shows up and is like, omg you did so good, but also that guy in the tracksuit stepped over the Times critic soooo you better really do SUPER good in the second act because if the Times guy doesn’t like the show then opening night is closing night. THANKS SIDNEY.

Kurt and Mercedes make the same faces they made while Tina was psyching Rachel out, because that’s what friends do, and everybody is friends now helping each other through adulthood and I kinda love it.

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Mario takes Sue to his restaurant so they can eat pasta, bitch about Funny Girl and talk about how happy they are to have found one another in this special city. Sue finding someone who she clicks with is like when Michael Scott found Holly, except that I don’t actually care.

We’re then given a little back-and-forth with Sue Sylvester and Rachel Berry doing “Where Are You Now,” which also made my eyes water. Except the Sue/Mario parts which made me snooze..

http://youtu.be/wif9qgFhY7U

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The show’s over and Rachel did the BEST job ever and everybody loves her and everything is perfect and Sidney says she’s a big star and they’re having a BIG cast party with eggplants!

Sidney invites all her friends to the Big Broadway Cast Party, too, but Rachel doesn’t wanna go the Big Broadway Cast Party, she wants to celebrate with JUST her friends. Blaine suggests this place in the West Village where he promises everybody will LOVE Rachel. It’s probs where he and Kurt pick up their erotic thirds.

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Thus we zip on downtown to a bangin’ gay club where the bartenders are obsessed with Rachel Berry and literally stop the music to celebrate her arrival.

The gays demand that Rachel sing a song, and she agrees, and it’s a wild sweaty hot high-energy situation full of love and light.

http://youtu.be/oNTKQ2Cz7kY

G-d, there’s so many more interesting opportunities for musical numbers now that they’ve let the cast loose in New York City!

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After a wild night at the club, the little children return to the Barbie Bushwick Dreamhouse Loft to have a little coffee before the fresh papes debut. THEN, who should emerge from Kurt’s sex dungeon but Mario, wearing Kurt’s sexy robe from Forever 21.

Rachel recognizes his ugly mug from that time he walked out of her show, which is gross, but even grosser is that Mario and Sue have been doing the dirty-dirty ALL over the apartment!

Sue begins babbling about how awful those three minutes of Funny Girl were while the kids look on with incredulousness and disgust.

It only takes about two seconds before Santana’s ready to get all Lima Heights Adjacent on Sue’s ass but before she can, Rachel interrupts her — “It’s okay, I got this.” Rachel is full of confidence, you see, and is going to tell Sue what’s what.

Rachel: “You know what, Sue? You made my life in high school a living hell.”
Sue: “Well thank you.”

Rachel: “-and it’s like you had a mission to keep us underwater never coming up even for a breath of air and you said that it was to push us. But I really don’t think that’s what you wanted because if we actually felt how wonderful and amazing and loved we really were then we would know what you knew all along which is that you are a rotten and awful person who only finds joy in people’s misery. Well let me tell you something. Something amazing happened tonight. A group of friends rallied together and made a dream come true and never ever in your empty sad life will you feel the kind of love that I felt tonight. And I would feel so sad for you, but I don’t, because I just want you to get the hell out of my apartment because I wanna be with MY FRIENDS.”

Sue splits.

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The children thus bundle up and head out into the cold to get The New York Times. Why doesn’t anybody have coke jaw, they’ve been awake for hours! Rachel’s too nervous to read the damn thing herself, and so is Kurt, but Santana’s eager to help — “I don’t mind being the bearer of bad news,” she says, snatching the paper and beginning to read.

At first it seems like a bad review — ’cause it’s all like, “why revive Funny Girl in the first place?” — but then it becomes a good review, ’cause it’s all like, BECAUSE OF RACHEL BERRY. Kurt reads a sentence, and then Blaine reads a sentence, and then Tina and then Mercedes and all the kids are together in the cold in New York City and Rachel is reading it now because it’s basically all about Rachel Berry!

Then Sir William calls to overshare that he got back to The Lima Babymaker Hospital “just in time for the last few pushes.” Emma has brought a little boy into the world, and they’re naming him Daniel Finn Schuster. Sir William says he feels completely happy for the first time in his life. Rachel says she feels the exact same.

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Elsewhere on the mad streets of Manhattan, Mario wants Sue to stick around New York for a few more days, but she says she’s got a school to run and a daughter who needs her ’cause her father is Michael Bolton. She says it turns out that she loves New York, but she’s a Lima girl at heart and must return to the hinterlands to eat cinnamon apples at the Cracker Barrel with Riese.

Sue: “Sue Sylvester’s a big fish who kinda really likes swimming in a small pond.”

Sue asks him if he wants to come to Ohio, but he’s like oh wow, cinnamon apples sound really good but I think I’ll stay here. Then they suck face a little bit.

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Then we purchase overpriced plane tickets from last minute travel, pack our see-through backpacks with three ounces of various scented lotions, take a few valiums and sleep on the jet plane all the way back to Lima, Ohio, home of Dome’s Nut Shop, where Sue’s amending her review of New York:

Sue: “There’s nowhere on earth quite like it. There’s no place so alive with endless worlds of possibility. Every time you step outside, you find yourself on an adventure you never could’ve predicted. Sure you might get hit by a bus or stop for perogies and end up getting human trafficked by the Russian mob, but if you’re anything like this champion cheerleading coach, you just might also find love. Or, at the very least, a night of sturdy, spirited lovemaking with a relative stranger in every corner of the apartment of several of your former students.”

It’s true, though. Even when Sue and Mario were saying goodbye and I was thinking about how they’ve already gotten more action and sexual innuendo in five minutes than Brittana’s gotten in five years, I was also thinking, “Oh yes, the morning after a night where you met a new person and you kiss and your whole world blows up and there is drinking and eating and more kissing and sleeping and then it’s time to go home and you can’t believe that just 24 hours earlier, you didn’t know any of the things you know now.” Aw, New York.

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Next week on Glee:

Rachel jeopardizes her “Funny Girl” lead when she auditions for a television pilot. Meanwhile, Mercedes (guest star Amber Riley) tries to help get Santana in on her recording deal, and Blaine befriends an older, rich socialite (guest star Shirley MacLaine) in the all-new “Back-Up Plan” episode of GLEE airing Tuesday, April 29 (8:00-9:00 PM ET/PT) on FOX. (GLE-518) (TV-14 D, L)

Cast: Lea Michele as Rachel Berry; Naya Rivera as Santana Lopez; Chris Colfer as Kurt Hummel; Amber Riley as Mercedes Jones; Darren Criss as Blaine Anderson; Chord Overstreet as Sam Evans.

Guest Cast: Shirley MacLaine as June Dolloway.

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