Glee Episode 517 Recap: Opening Night To Remember Forever-Ever

Thus we zip on downtown to a bangin’ gay club where the bartenders are obsessed with Rachel Berry and literally stop the music to celebrate her arrival.

What do you think of this bow-tie, is it too much?

What do you think of this bow-tie, is it too much?

The gays demand that Rachel sing a song, and she agrees, and it’s a wild sweaty hot high-energy situation full of love and light.

http://youtu.be/oNTKQ2Cz7kY

G-d, there’s so many more interesting opportunities for musical numbers now that they’ve let the cast loose in New York City!


After a wild night at the club, the little children return to the Barbie Bushwick Dreamhouse Loft to have a little coffee before the fresh papes debut. THEN, who should emerge from Kurt’s sex dungeon but Mario, wearing Kurt’s sexy robe from Forever 21.

Which one of you dashing interns wants to make me a latte?

Which one of you dashing interns wants to make me a latte?

Kurt, I thought we called an exterminator

There’s a Starbucks on the corner

Rachel recognizes his ugly mug from that time he walked out of her show, which is gross, but even grosser is that Mario and Sue have been doing the dirty-dirty ALL over the apartment!

Now leave

Now leave

Oh hell to the no

Oh hell to the no

Sue begins babbling about how awful those three minutes of Funny Girl were while the kids look on with incredulousness and disgust.

Glee517-00267

Glee517-00268

It only takes about two seconds before Santana’s ready to get all Lima Heights Adjacent on Sue’s ass but before she can, Rachel interrupts her — “It’s okay, I got this.” Rachel is full of confidence, you see, and is going to tell Sue what’s what.

But first, a junior mint?

But first, a junior mint?

Rachel: “You know what, Sue? You made my life in high school a living hell.”
Sue: “Well thank you.”

Is there actual milk in this fridge or just almond milk

Is there actual milk in this fridge or just almond milk, be straight with me.

Rachel: “-and it’s like you had a mission to keep us underwater never coming up even for a breath of air and you said that it was to push us. But I really don’t think that’s what you wanted because if we actually felt how wonderful and amazing and loved we really were then we would know what you knew all along which is that you are a rotten and awful person who only finds joy in people’s misery. Well let me tell you something. Something amazing happened tonight. A group of friends rallied together and made a dream come true and never ever in your empty sad life will you feel the kind of love that I felt tonight. And I would feel so sad for you, but I don’t, because I just want you to get the hell out of my apartment because I wanna be with MY FRIENDS.”

They grow up so fast

They grow up so fast

What can I say, all that meth they were smoking at Babylon got me a little fiesty

What can I say, all that meth they were smoking at Babylon got me a little fiesty

Sue splits.


The children thus bundle up and head out into the cold to get The New York Times. Why doesn’t anybody have coke jaw, they’ve been awake for hours! Rachel’s too nervous to read the damn thing herself, and so is Kurt, but Santana’s eager to help — “I don’t mind being the bearer of bad news,” she says, snatching the paper and beginning to read.

Wait, Michelle Rodriguqz is gonna propose to Cara in a helicopter over the Niagra Falls?

Wait, Michelle Rodriguez is gonna propose to Cara in a helicopter over the Niagra Falls?

At first it seems like a bad review — ’cause it’s all like, “why revive Funny Girl in the first place?” — but then it becomes a good review, ’cause it’s all like, BECAUSE OF RACHEL BERRY. Kurt reads a sentence, and then Blaine reads a sentence, and then Tina and then Mercedes and all the kids are together in the cold in New York City and Rachel is reading it now because it’s basically all about Rachel Berry!

Omg there's a PICTURE of Michelle and Cara doing NAKED YOGA together!

Omg there’s a PICTURE of Michelle and Cara doing NAKED YOGA together!

Then Sir William calls to overshare that he got back to The Lima Babymaker Hospital “just in time for the last few pushes.” Emma has brought a little boy into the world, and they’re naming him Daniel Finn Schuster. Sir William says he feels completely happy for the first time in his life. Rachel says she feels the exact same.


Elsewhere on the mad streets of Manhattan, Mario wants Sue to stick around New York for a few more days, but she says she’s got a school to run and a daughter who needs her ’cause her father is Michael Bolton. She says it turns out that she loves New York, but she’s a Lima girl at heart and must return to the hinterlands to eat cinnamon apples at the Cracker Barrel with Riese.

Sue: “Sue Sylvester’s a big fish who kinda really likes swimming in a small pond.”

shout out to the girl filing her nails in the background

shout out to the girl texting in the background

Sue asks him if he wants to come to Ohio, but he’s like oh wow, cinnamon apples sound really good but I think I’ll stay here. Then they suck face a little bit.


Then we purchase overpriced plane tickets from last minute travel, pack our see-through backpacks with three ounces of various scented lotions, take a few valiums and sleep on the jet plane all the way back to Lima, Ohio, home of Dome’s Nut Shop, where Sue’s amending her review of New York:

Sue: “There’s nowhere on earth quite like it. There’s no place so alive with endless worlds of possibility. Every time you step outside, you find yourself on an adventure you never could’ve predicted. Sure you might get hit by a bus or stop for perogies and end up getting human trafficked by the Russian mob, but if you’re anything like this champion cheerleading coach, you just might also find love. Or, at the very least, a night of sturdy, spirited lovemaking with a relative stranger in every corner of the apartment of several of your former students.”

That being said, I am never paying $12.95 for the same unlimited soup, salad and breadsticks I can get for $4.95 her in Ohio.

That being said, I am never paying $12.95 for the same unlimited soup, salad and breadsticks I can get for $4.95 her in Ohio.

It’s true, though. Even when Sue and Mario were saying goodbye and I was thinking about how they’ve already gotten more action and sexual innuendo in five minutes than Brittana’s gotten in five years, I was also thinking, “Oh yes, the morning after a night where you met a new person and you kiss and your whole world blows up and there is drinking and eating and more kissing and sleeping and then it’s time to go home and you can’t believe that just 24 hours earlier, you didn’t know any of the things you know now.” Aw, New York.


Next week on Glee:

Rachel jeopardizes her “Funny Girl” lead when she auditions for a television pilot. Meanwhile, Mercedes (guest star Amber Riley) tries to help get Santana in on her recording deal, and Blaine befriends an older, rich socialite (guest star Shirley MacLaine) in the all-new “Back-Up Plan” episode of GLEE airing Tuesday, April 29 (8:00-9:00 PM ET/PT) on FOX. (GLE-518) (TV-14 D, L)

Cast: Lea Michele as Rachel Berry; Naya Rivera as Santana Lopez; Chris Colfer as Kurt Hummel; Amber Riley as Mercedes Jones; Darren Criss as Blaine Anderson; Chord Overstreet as Sam Evans.

Guest Cast: Shirley MacLaine as June Dolloway.

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Riese

Riese is the 41-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3213 articles for us.

14 Comments

  1. Still can’t believe they made Sue sing “Where Are You Now?” with Rachel. Way to ruin a moment and an amazing song.

    • Agreed! I’m still in shock that the episodes since “100” have been so great. I was starting to think this might not be possible anymore.

  2. This recap is incomplete without a picture of Santana’s boob squish.

    And I can’t believe you didn’t mention the two girls who were making out as Rachel entered the bar.

  3. This episode was mindblowingly shit every time Sue was on screen but then actually interesting the rest of the time? Confusing times.

  4. I’m going to say it. I believe Glee milking the death of Cory Monteith has gotten beyond gross at this point.

  5. Yay for the return of Riese’s descriptions of unusual modes of transportation from Lima to New York! This is one of my favorite things about these recaps, besides the perfect, hilarious captions of course. (Btw, I really appreciated the Michelle and Cara ones this week.)

    They spent WAY too much time on Sue’s plotline, which will most likely never be a part of any other episode, and the majority of which I found very boring. Classic Glee Problem.

    I would also like to point out that Quinn sent flowers to Rachel! And Kurt mentioned Quinn’s flowers first to Rachel! And Quinn sent the flowers by herself, not with Puck as a couple!

    I have to end my post with a gif of Santana’s entrance, because it was absolutely perfect, and Naya Rivera is so damn hot and sexy.

    • Agreed. Santana was hot as fuck this episode, and Rachel looked gorgeous.

      Who wants to bet that Quinn sent her a bouquet of gardenias??

  6. I was googling glee to get to this recap and saw awful news! Is it true that Naya Rivera has been fired/written out of the remaining episodes for this season?! Say it ain’t so!!! :(

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