Glee Episode 417 Recap: Guilty Pleasures Zig-A-Zig-Ah

Welcome to the seventeenth recap of the fourth season of Glee, a multi-colored fruit-flavor explosion in your mouth starring an assortment of punchy youths dedicated to performing spirited renditions of 90’s pop anthems, going dog-sledding, arranging flowers and harvesting fresh root vegetables, like potatoes.

look, that human-shaped gallon of gnocchi is trying to dance again!

This week’s episode was definitely one of my favorites of the season! (Issues with their handling of the near/dear-to-my-heart sex worker storyline aside — although even that didn’t play out as badly as I’d anticipated.) Perhaps we owe some of this to this week’s decency to the Guilty Pleasures director, Mr. Eric Stoltz:

Eric Stoltz in "Kicking and Screaming," which I watched every day for about a month in 1999

Eric Stoltz in “Kicking and Screaming,” which I watched every day for about a month in 2000

Eric Stoltz has directed Glee episodes before, but my love for Eric Stoltz is rooted in many things, including but not limited to his work as an actor in seminal ’80s & ’90s films as well as his brief time starring in the short-lived masterpiece Capricia as well as his directing work on shows like Nashsville, Nip/Tuck, Boston Legal and Grey’s Anatomy. He also directed one of my favorite Glee episodes of all time, Blame it On The Alcohol.

More importantly, this episode was written by the dynamic duo of Garrett Lerner & Russel Friend, writers from House M.D, Roswell and Boston Public. I think they did a pretty good job, actually, so more of them please! Anyhow, enough about me and the zombies who live in the walls, let’s recap this bitch!


We open in the hallowed hallways of McKinley High School for Wayward Bois, where Gay Blaine’s offering Sam grocery cash. See, yesterday Gay Blaine was cutting through the cafeteria (shaves six seconds off his morning routine) when he saw something very suspicious going on…

are they seriously making meatloaf again

oh my god they are hiding extra tater-tots back there

…what could it be?!!!

JK this is a screencap from Buffy episode 318

just adding a little kick to the meatloaf recipe

Just kidding, that screencap is from an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer I was watching yesterday where Buffy can hear everybody’s thoughts and she hears somebody plotting to kill the entire student body at lunch and it turns out to be the lunch lady. Um, where was I? Oh yes! Blaine caught Sam pilfering pasta from the caf.

and none of that gluten-free crap

now everybody will have to go gluten-free! haahaha!

Sam admits that the noodles aren’t for his starving destitute family, he’s gonna let those bitches eat cake ’cause he’s stealing spaghetti for artistic purposes. Mhm.

your hands smell like brittany

look dude i’m sorry i forgot to bring the sexy eyemask, we’ll just have to improvise today’s sub/dom session

You think you liked Emma Stone in Easy A, just wait ’til you see Emma Stone in Easy-Mac!

to be honest these kinda remind me of piss christ

to be honest these kinda remind me of piss christ

Gay Blaine’s admiring Sam’s edible interpretation of Lady Hummel when Tina bounces in to announce that Mr. Shue’s got a week-long case of The Flu and Glee Club’s cancelled.

Sam: “Hey uh, just curious. Are you gonna go over to his house and straddle him while he’s passed out and rub some ointment on his chest?”
Tina: “That was a phase.”

and we both know blaine prefers body butter to vapo-rub any day

and we both know blaine prefers body butter to vapo-rub any day

This situation thus introduces us to this week’s theme: GUILTY PLEASURES! Since it’s only “a few” weeks ’til The Supernatural Fantastic Worldwide Universehood Regional Celebration Contest of Song, Sam and Gay Blaine insist on holding Glee Club in spite of Mr. Shue’s bird flu. I hope Regionals are in Berkeley so Gay Blaine can sleep on my couch and we can talk about Klaine all night.

We are.. two wild and crazy guys!

We are.. two wild and crazy guys!

Anyhoo, the children are lukewarm about this theme. “Unique knows no shame, baby,” says Unique. For example, Unique’s constantly referring to herself in third person, which a normal person would be ashamed of. Not Unique. Unique will talk about Unique in the third person all Unique wants.

and then i held both of her breasts in my hands and jiggled them around a little bit and they felt like ripe melons off a tree

and then i held both of her breasts in my hands and jiggled them around a little bit and they felt like ripe melons off a tree

This kicks off the evening’s first musical number, “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go,” an homage to perms, mini-skirts, jubilation, white shorts, scrunchies, white high-tops, yellow hot-pants, scrunchy socks and neon pocket-Ts.

can i get a whoop whoop

can i get a whoop whoop

we're caaaahrrazzzzyyy for coco puffs!

we’re caaaahrrazzzzyyy for coco puffs!

smells like teen spirit

smells like teen spirit

Here’s the original version, by WHAM!, from 1984, starring George Michael as a spritely homo and Andrew Ridgeley as his straight best friend:

Here’s the Glee version, from 2013, starring Blaine Warbler as a spritely homo and Sam Evans as his straight best friend:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yrt10kAEwZI


Cut to the hallowed hallways of McKinley High for Wayward Bitches, where Brittani tells Fake Quinn that everybody hates her because she’s mean and calls Marley fat, but because Fake Quinn is blonde and therefore has magical powers like turning Swedish, she should be on Fondue for Two.

but don't worry, they hate finn way more

but don’t worry, they hate finn way more

At Fondue For Two, the ponytailed blondes exchange banter about their guilty pleasures, like farting around old people. Also, Lord Tubbington’s guilty pleasure is Scientology.

and then i'll show you my boobs and you'll show me yours. c'mon, santana and i used to do it all the time.

and then i’ll show you my boobs and you’ll show me yours. c’mon, santana and i used to do it all the time.

The following exchange is a rare example of a conversation that appears to have been written by somebody who has interacted with an actual teenager within the last ten years. Not because they keep repeating “guilty pleasure” like it’s an actual game and not a stupid device established for this episode of mediocre television, but because of their familiarity with the Greatest Films Of The Era.

Brit-Brit: “Guilty pleasure. Bring it On.”
Fake Quinn: “Guilty pleasure. Bring it on Again.”
Brit-Brit: “Guilty Pleasure, Bring It On, All Or Nothing.”
Fake Quinn:Bring it On, In It To Win It.
Brit-Brit:Bring It On, Fight to the Finish.”
Fake Quinn: “That one’s horrible there’s no way you could like that.”

Fake Quinn refuses to confess her biggest realest guilty pleasure though. It’s probably Fun-Dip. Brittany notes, “come on, this is a safe space, we’re on the internet.”

just be sure to check your privilege and stay away from tumblr

just don’t read the youtube comments and you’ll be just fine

Then something super-wacky happens — we witness Tina Cohen-Chang viewing Fondue for Two on an actual computer! It exists! This show doesn’t take place in the Glee Blackhole of Nonsense, it’s a real thing a person is watching on a computer! I can barely contain my excitement! Possibly this has happened before, but if so, I forgot all about it!

Quiero lamberte hasta que te vengas en mi boca mil veces.

Quiero lamberte hasta que te vengas en mi boca mil veces.


We then wrap our babies in soft towels, strap them to our backs with giant velcro belts, and trek across the wildnerness eating Astronaut Ice Cream until at last we arrive at an actual acting class at Fake Julliard in New York, New York.

and then, midway through my bowel movement, i noticed that wasn't a toilet underneath me, but a butt-eating monster from the hellmouth

and then, midway through my bowel movement, i noticed that wasn’t a toilet underneath me, but a butt-eating monster from the hellmouth

Finally! An accurate representation of actual acting classes! Like the kind where you unload your traumatic life experiences and secret shame in front of a room of your judgmental peers and then go win an Oscar.

and then i was like, oh my god, artie is rapping again

and then i was like, oh my god, artie is rapping again

Regardless, we’re only here to listen to Kurt’s inner monologue, which’s that as a gay man, he’s got heaps of guilty pleasures, such as Powerhouse Women in TV marathons of Golden Girls, Murder She Wrote, Designing Women & Moonlighting. He also enjoys Sweatin’ to The Oldies with Richard Simmons, but I mean don’t we all. (Have you ever seen Richard Simmons’ David Letterman appearances? They’re the best.)

he knows richard simmons so well he doesn't even need to face the television to follow along

he knows richard simmons so well he doesn’t even need to face the television to follow along

Also, Kurt’s got a weird creepy boyfriend pillow he bought online while on Ambien. That used to happen to me all the time before I quit ambien in the fall of 2010, for example I purchased three nearly-identical denim mini-skirts from e-bay, a complicated 3-step set of tiny rubber bands which promised to close unsightly gaps between my front teeth in 90 days or less, and a machine that claimed to kill mice through radiation waves when you plug it into the wall. Don’t do drugs kids.

probably one of the least problematic things i've ever slept with on ambien

probably one of the least problematic things one could end up sleeping with because of ambien


Back in Lima, Ohio, birthplace of Phyllis Diller, Gay Blaine and Sam are hanging out in the locker room with all their bros when Sam pulls Gay Blaine aside to confess some important news:

Sam: “Lately I’ve been battling a really deep-seeded sense of shame about something in my life, and it’s a secret I’ve kept buried for as long as I can remember and I’ve been waiting to like, let it out and release this inner sin that’s tortured my insides.”
Blaine: “Do you have feelings for me?”
Sam: “What? No. Dude, come on-“

wait so, toby has just been working with A to protect spencer? are you sure?

wait so, toby has just been working with A to protect spencer? are you sure?

Blaine: “Obvious- obviously I’m kidding. I’m just… trying to losen you up-”
Sam: “It’s a million times worse than that.”

Sam likes Barry Manilow!!!! OMG!!! Yawn. Just like my grandmother!

omg the bean-o just kicked in

omg the ex-lax just kicked in

Sam accidentally yells his confession, however, so all the spry young McKinley males overhear him, which must be SUPER embarrassing. I wish Gay Blaine had yelled, “AND HE MAKES MACARONI PORTRAITS OF EMMA STONE!!!” right afterwards. Remember when somebody threw rocks at Gay Blaine’s eyeballs? Lol.


Meanwhile or perhaps the next day in the hallowed hallways of McKinley High School For Wayward Feminists, the Angry Lesbians Of the Internet storm Fake Quinn and Brit-Brit, demanding they go public with their secret sex orgy parties or else confess Fake Quinn’s guilty pleasure.

marley saw the vampire behind buffy before anybody else on the scooby team knew what hit 'em

marley saw the vampire behind buffy before anybody else on the scooby team knew what hit ’em

Brit-Brit spills the dirt: it’s The Spice Girls.

also she loves nipple clamps but don't tell puck, it's our private thing

also she loves nipple clamps but don’t tell puck, it’s our private thing

Um, everybody likes the Spice Girls.

Everybody.

they are remembering that time we went to the spice girls concert in new jersey and called stef and told her that haviland was hooking up with ginger spice in the backseat of cait's mini-van and she believed us until the next morning and then was really mad at us

they are remembering that time we went to the spice girls concert in new jersey and called stef and told her that haviland was hooking up with ginger spice in the backseat of cait’s mini-van and she believed us until the next morning and then was really mad at us

The ladies agree that they must do the Spice Girls, and Unique says that “this fierce black woman will be Scary Spice,” which inspires Fake Quinn to go…

i'd argue that just about everything is scarier than a girl with a penis, like, for example, bunny rabbits, rainbows, pillows and hugs

besides people who say things like “nothing’s scarier than a girl with a penis”

Which inspires everybody else to go…

really papi

that wasn’t funny and this is awkward

Which inspires Brit-Brit to go…

cut that shit out

cut that shit out, meow mix

Which inspires Fake Quinn to go…

i totally read savannah's article and all the comments, i swear

i’m totally an ally i swear

And then…

no really i swear i even read half of 'whipping girl'

no really seriously i promise right after this i’m going to read the best parts of “whipping girl” and subscribe to the transadvocate and transgriot on feedly and all the blogs because i know it’s my responsibility to educate myself and i know that i’m not acting like an ally and that even if i was i wouldn’t deserve a pat on the back just for being a decent person and i’m definitely gonna go into an empty classroom and unpack my cis white privilege for the rest of the day and i will never make another joke like this again

So basically what just happened is Fake Quinn made a transphobic joke… and got called out on it! (Or, more specifically: didn’t get laughs or complacency, as per ushe — compare this to Tina’s “angry inch” comment from three episodes ago, which I nobody on the show, let alone any TV critics, batted an eye at. Within the fucked-up universe of Glee where offensive racist, transphobic, homophobic, sexist and size-ist jokes are made (and unchecked) like clockwork, it almost seems like progress. What happened here was nobody feeding the troll (Fake Quinn), and hopefully it worked.) I expect a flying pig to crashland on my keyboard any minute now. Or who knows, maybe Santana will get a new girlfriend or something. Anything is possible at this point.



We then put on gas masks and run like wild banshees in our underpants all the way through the great boring Pennsylvania flatlands until we arrive at the Bushwick Barbie Dreamhouse Loft, where Santana’s moved in and is paying rent, which means she’s got lots of feelings about her allotted shelf-space in the bathroom. It’s super cute, like they’re just girlfriends on their own in the big city! I’ve been waiting for so long for this moment.

you promised to call time warner this time don't you dare back out on me, gaymo

you promised to call time warner this time don’t you dare back out on me, gaymo

Kurt insists Santana keeps her lips sealed about his “BFF’s BF and his man-whoring ways” ’til after Rachel’s Funny Girl audition, ’cause nobody casts Crying Desperately Girl as Funny Girl, yannow? Santana teases Rachel Berry when she emerges from the shower in her shower cap and towel, and Rachel reminisces about Geyerdean:

Rachel: “You know we first met in the bathroom, bonding over our moisturizing ritual?”
Santana: “Wow, that sounds really not romantic and also very very gay. Is that why he left, huh? Did he finally admit to having a boyfriend on the side.”
Rachel: “You know he didn’t actually say why.”

although i did think it was weird so much of his moisturizer doubled as massage oil

although i did think it was weird so much of his moisturizer doubled as massage oil

Santana insists Rachel doesn’t need Geyerdean’s friendship ’cause she’s got friends like Santana, with whom she can sneak into Kurt’s quarters with a bowl of water and inspire him to wet the bed! Obviously this is just an excuse to have them catch Kurt with Bruce The Mini-Boyfriend.

oh my god he's dismembered the Blaine Warbler Real Doll and sold it for parts

oh my god he’s dismembered the Blaine Warbler Real Doll and sold it for parts

Adorably flummoxed, Lady Hummel attempts to justify the seductive power of arm-pillow advertising.

Kurt: “His name is Bruce, and we’re exclusive.”

oh my god he's wearing a commitment ceremony ring

oh my god the pillow is wearing a promise ring


We then attach magical rubber suction springs to the bases of our white high-tops, put on our bunny ears and hop on back to Lima, Ohio, home to above-average-for-the-region tornado activity, where Sam’s confessing his love for Barry Manilow to all the Glee Clubbers on payroll this week.

i like big butts and i cannot lie. that's all there is to it.

i like big butts and i cannot lie. that’s all there is to it.

Sam then performs Barry Manilow’s tropical hit “Copacabana” with two giant dodo birds on his arms while everybody else gets super-wacky and fun.

heal the world! make it a better place! for you and for me and these two birds on my arm!

heal the world! make it a better place! for you and for me and these two birds on my arm!

nope you don't have cheetos breath

nope you don’t have cheetos breath

and this is how i charm snakes

and this is how i charm snakes

The original, by Barry Manilow from 1978:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D8955_YASoQ

The Glee version:
http://youtu.be/YNVZHSJzIkQ

Turns out everybody loves Barry Manilow because this show was written by grown-ups.

come on just put one of these in my butt for a second, i'm just curious

come on just put one of these in my butt for a second, i’m just curious

Ryder Bieber-Strong says he’d be rocking the Barry Manilow cut if it was the ’70s. Sometimes when Ryder talks he sounds like an actor who is really stressed about forgetting his line halfway through. You know what I mean?


Cut to the Auditorium, where the ladies are hopping around like little animals, debating whether or not it’s racist for Unique to be Scary Spice.

who wants to have armpit sex???

who wants to have armpit sex???

Brit-Brit: “Mercedes, I don’t think that you should be Scary Spice just because you’re black.”
Unique: “Excuse you?”
Brit-Brit: “I think it’s really racist that the Scary Spice is the only black one.”
Fake Quinn: “Marley should be Posh Spice because you’re so skinny and you make everyone uncomfortable.”

Ha!

yawn

ok i’m gonna stay perfectly still and you’re gonna throw a grape into my mouth

This pretty party is interrupted by Tina, who confesses that she doesn’t even know what to say about what she just saw.

it was the script from last week's episode and oh  my goddess you guys i cannot believe we said those lines

it was the script from last week’s episode and oh my goddess you guys i cannot believe we said those lines

We then zoom speedily into the Hallowed Hallways of McKinley High School for Wayward Boy-Toys where Marley-Kate gets all up in New Puck’s face, bursting with angry feminist rage (my favorite kind of rage, honestly):

oh fuck this is the same face she made at me when i said i wanted to work at american apparel

oh fuck this is the same face she made at me when i said i wanted to work at american apparel

Marley: “Tell me it’s not true. Tell me you’re not singing a Chris Brown song.”

you promised to sing the indigo girls for me, asshole!

you promised to sing the indigo girls for me!!!!!

The ensuing commercial break was possibly the most tense commercial break of my entire life, so petrified was I with fear that Glee would be planning to sell a Chris Brown cover on iTunes, an endeavor which would’ve likely benefited Chris Brown financially.


We return from aforementioned commercial break to Ryder Bieber-Strong’s favorite computer lab, the library, although Ryder Bieber-Strong is nowhere to be seen. Maybe he’s hunting for katie_xoxo in the wild. But look! It’s Gay Blaine, catching up on Goosebumps!

bro don't write this shit off, it's pretty fucking scary

bro don’t write this shit off, it’s pretty fucking scary

Sam shows up to demand Gay Blaine reveal yet another guilty pleasure, because apparently WHAM! isn’t pleasurable enough. Meanwhile, Sam probably watches A Clay Aiken Christmas featuring Barry Manilow in the shower and deserves to be leveled with.

dude it's okay, i wear thongs sometimes too

dude it’s okay, i wear thongs sometimes too

The point of this scene is gay subtext. NEXT!


We snap on over to The Glee Room, where the Angry Feminists have followed New Puck to yell at him, a scene which trumps the Bring It On exchange for the most realistic moment of Glee this year. It also made me like Marley-Kate 500 times more than I did last week.

New Puck: “I don’t understand what you’re all so upset about.”
Marley: “That’s why it’s upsetting!”

caption

everybody looks really oddly proportioned in this screenshot

New Puck: “Look, look, I get that Chris Brown is a douchebag—”
Unique: “I don’t think that douche is a strong enough word to describe Chris Brown.”
Tina: “He totally beat up his girlfriend.”
Brit-Brit: “He beat up a window at Good Morning America!”
Marley-Kate: “He says horribly misogynistic things on twitter!”
Fake Quinn: “What about the Frank Ocean fight in the parking lot?”

New Puck insists these forces align to make Chris Brown the perfect selection because “I like his music, and I feel guilty about it.” He then mansplains about how they do Britney Spears and Whitney Houston songs, “and neither of them are role models.”

New Puck adds, “What about Rihanna? Do we think RiRi is some kind of role model? I mean she’s the one who got back together with him.” Ummm….

Sigh.

New Puck adds that they should be able to separate the art from the artist, and Marley says that actually um, no, she can’t listen to Chis Brown’s “art” without thinking about “the horrible person behind it.”

these magic eye things are so confusing

these magic eye things are so confusing

Tina: “If there was a list of people’s music we should never do in this room, Chris Brown would be at the top of that list.”

Fake Quinn snaps that Chris Brown is a total powder keg, leaving New Puck alone to think about his life and his choices.


We then strap jet-packs to our backs, stick matches up our asses, and blast off to New York, New York, where Kurt is surprising his roomies with boyfriend pillow presents!

oh my god it's quinn!

oh my god it’s quinn!

Santana: “You gave my boyfriend pillow a sex change, that’s so sweet.”

Santana’s digging the girlf but Rachel’s not quite as enthused — she explains that she doesn’t need her boyfriend pillow because she’s not lonely, and besides, Geyerdean will be back between her luscious thighs in no time. So Santana breaks the news that Geyerdean was a “gigolo.”

did you seriously just use the word gigolo, you know that nobody actually uses that word in real life right

did you seriously just use the word gigolo, you know that nobody actually uses that word in real life right

Rachel says it’s not true, and turns to Kurt frantically — “it’s not true, is it?” — and her face is 56 kinds of sad, and Kurt’s is 56 kinds of “I’m sorry.”

is it also true that finn's torso was made out of partially hydrogenated potato soup

is it also true that finn’s torso was made out of partially hydrogenated potato soup and that rayanne slept with jordan catalano

Rachel retreats to her Den of Sad and Kurt turns to Santana:

Kurt: “Why did you have to do that?”
Santana: “It was for her own good!”


We then hop into our brand-new PT Cruiser, roll down the windows, crank up the RENT soundtrack and journey all the way back to Lima, Ohio, home to the Ohio State Beauty Academy, where Gay Blaine’s performing “Against All Odds” with his whole entire heart!

caption

this will be followed by an encore performance of “my headband”

Every word is a bucket of feelings. It’s like his soul wants to escape his body and play the piano forever.

is considering abandoning klaine in favor of blam

is considering abandoning klaine in favor of blam

At the song’s end, Blaine insists the tune is about his raw spicy fresh breakup with Kurt and then he talks crazy about his love for Phil Collins. (Yes, The Postal Service version was a Phil Collins cover, for those of you unaware of this.) The implication here, I gather, is that he’s actually singing it to Sam, but honestly the lyrics are far more Kurt-relevant. Just saying.

Here’s the Phil Collins video, from 1984:

And here’s the Glee version:
http://youtu.be/UtOXTCijvbg


We return after a nail-biting commercial break to The Glee Room for a private concert held in my honor! Yes, that’s correct, we openly love The Spice Girls around here and yes, I saw the movie the weekend it came out at the mall in Traverse City with Risa and yes, we were the only people in the theater, and yes, that all happened before anybody in this scene was born. Anyhow! It’s fucking killer.

panty power!

panty power!

what if this was the last thing you saw before losing consciousness

what if this was the last thing you saw before losing consciousness

I find it super-creepy when adults dress like babies and I think they took that a tad too far with Unique’s costume here, but otherwise I’ve got no complaints. In fact, I’ve got the opposite of complaints. I was grinning ear-to-ear.

step #2 of "how to fist a lesbian in five easy steps"

step #2 of “how to fist a lesbian in five easy steps”

ok i'm ready for you to botox my armpits now

ok i’m ready for you to botox my armpits now

this lollipop tastes like chroniccccccccc!!!!!!!!

this lollipop tastes like sexxx riotttttt!!!!!!!!

That being said, they look much more authentic than Cinco De Mayo 2006, when Haviland, Lainy and I dressed as Posh, Baby and Sporty Spice, respectively, and went to Henrietta’s where everybody asked us if we were straight. Youth!

posh spice's shoes were not made for jumping

posh spice’s shoes were not made for jumping

drop the mic

check out kenzi over there on the keyboards

This song works because these girls work best when operating exactly like the Spice Girls did — shrouding their actual personalities (or lack thereof) in bright shiny campy costumes and exaggerated hair, playing archetyped characters, singing unchallenging pop songs, dancing like cartoon characters and/or Fly Girls. Also Fake Quinn’s growing on me like ivy.

Here’s the original Spice Girls video, from 1995:

And here’s the Glee version:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuSoPnpTM4Y

Artie points out that he’s never seen Fake Quinn look so “happy to be part of the team.” “That’s ’cause the Spice Girls are spicy!” says Unique. I don’t even know.

caption

oh believe you me, fake quinn can give santana real orgasms

Now it’s New Puck’s turn to sing his guilty pleasure!

take your top off!!!!!

take your top off!!!!!

 

New Puck announces that he’ll be singing a Brown song, but a different Brown. Not Chris Brown.  Obviously he means reggae singer Barry Brown, right?

barry-brown

No? Um… oh! Obviously! FOXY BROWN!!

foxy-brown

Honestly, I was praying that it was gonna be Bisexual Melanie Brown, a.k.a. Mel B, of The Spice Girls, because I want them to cover “2 become 1” so bad.

oh hey mel b

oh hey mel b

But, barring that, I’d settle for the legendary 5 Browns:

straight-people

i actually have no idea who these people are but they seem heterosexual and probably related

It’s not the 5 Browns? Well then it must be this guy:

bobby-brown

Indeed it is! New Puck will be covering “My Prerogative ” which I obviously loved when it came out because who the fuck didn’t. Ugh I hope Marley-Kate leaves New Puck for Robyn Crawford.

rolling down the river

rolling down the river

The original, by Bobby Brown:

The Glee Version:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4KP5tCK5xeY

I think the message here is that it’s okay if you did shitty stuff to women, as long as you did it before most of your audience got born. Regardless, is this the first time we’ve really gotten to see New Puck’s dance skills? Because he’s really good!


Back in the Hallowed Halls of McKinley High School for wayward Spices, Tina’s dressed up as “Vikki the Robot” from “the TV cult classic Small Wonder,” which I’ve never heard of, despite the fact that I was alive for its entire existence, unlike these fellows:

it's like a remote controlled pocket rocket vibrator, basically

it’s like a remote controlled pocket rocket vibrator, basically

Fake Quinn’s had her fill of obscure pop culture references but before she can dash, New Puck insists on apologizing as he was informed post-performance that Bobby Brown “allegedly got Whitney Houston hooked on crack, right?”

don't hate the player...

don’t hate the player…

Fake Quinn: “Let me get this straight. You know about Vikki the Robot Girl but you didn’t know about Bobby and Whitney?”

Marley-Kate tells New Puck that each ocean starts with a drop of water and she loves Jessica Simpson and then they kiss and approximately six people care.

mmmmm did you have dr. pepper and a cigarette earlier because you smell like my car

mmmmm did you have dr. pepper and a cigarette earlier because you smell like my car


We then pack our go-bags, put on giant sun-hats, and drive in our topless cars all the way to New York, New York, where Rachel is being predictable by offering Geyerdean money for dinner, followed by, “I’m sorry, is it not enough? I wasn’t sure what the going rate was these days for male hookers.” NICE ONE, RACHEL. TWO THUMBS UP. What, no “get your dirty hands off of me?” Not a “I can’t even look at you”? Come onnnn.

rachel stop it nobody pretends to hold your hand and then slips you cash in a public place, that's not how it works

rachel stop it nobody pretends to hold your hand and then slips you cash in a public place, that’s not how it works

Geyerdean: “Don’t judge me.”
Rachel: “For selling your body?”
Geyerdean: “Not everybody has doting daddies to pay their bills.”

(Also my girlfriend pointed out that it’s kinda redic that even THIS story has been given to a straight white cis male. It’s not even the first time really, because Sam.) Again, his fault here isn’t “selling his body,” it’s the fact that he wasn’t honest about it. Anyhow I bitched about that enough last week, SO!

that's not how it works rachel i can't just take independent clients. you have to call the agency and make an appointment like everybody else. this is nonsense.

that’s not how it works rachel i can’t just take independent clients. you have to call the number and talk to the phone girl and make an appointment like everybody else. this is nonsense.

Rachel shouts that Geyerdean claimed that with honesty, they could do anything, and he’s like um, except when you lied to me about rolling in the hay with Mr. Potato Head, and P.S., your starchy friend came all the way here to punch me in the face! Rachel seems touched that Finn flew out to New York just to punch Geyerdean in the face, because she’s a total idiot I guess?

220 for an hour? but i only have 200!

220 for an hour? but i only have 200!

Rachel: “You’re right I haven’t been uh – completely honest with you. I think that there was a part of me that was … using this. Partly to make Finn jealous, and um, the other part to just fill my own personal heartache.”

Okay, if anybody ever said that to me during a breakup I’d wanna stick spoons up my nose. That’s cold!

Geyerdean: “So, what, this is… it’s just over?”
[sniffles]
Rachel: “Yeah, uh, it feels like it is.”
Geyerdean: “Seeing you around is really gonna suck.”

Then they start in with Radiohead’s “Creep” and somehow, somehow despite all my feelings and more importantly, my not-feelings, about these kids, it’s really heartbreaking and full.

oh hey i think you still have my headphones

oh hey i think you still have my headphones

all roads lead back to the only classroom at julliard

all roads lead back to the only classroom at julliard

okay on the count of three, you're gonna stop snoring, okay? ready? stop snoring on the count of three. okay, one, two --

okay on the count of three, you’re gonna stop snoring, okay? ready? stop snoring on the count of three. okay, one, two —

fuck my hands are cold

where are my waffles????

return engagement at the april rhodes civic pavillion

return engagement at the april rhodes civic pavillion

My girlfriend also has a lot of feelings about Glee getting permission to cover Radiohead, but I don’t know, it made me cry a little.

Here’s Radiohead performing “Creep” live in 1997:
http://youtu.be/m4J0CR2aB14

Here’s the Glee version:
http://youtu.be/X-2L0cKJSVM


We then slip on our killer high heels, sexiest corset and a pair of old sweatpants and fly back to Lima, Ohio, where Blaine’s making love to the piano by playing Phil Collins and Sam demands Blaine open up about his actual guilty pleasure. Sam’s obsessed with Blaine’s guilty pleasure.

like for example if you were to say that your guilty pleasure was fairy bread, i would admit that i too have enjoyed a sprinkle or 50 in my day

like for example if you were to say that your guilty pleasure was fairy bread, i would admit that i too have enjoyed a sprinkle or 50 in my day

Sam: “It’s okay, I get it, your guilty pleasure is me.”
Blaine: “Um… ”
Sam: “I mean – I mean, I’ve known all year and frankly I’m an attractive guy, and you are into dudes, and if you weren’t into me, I’d probably be pretty offended.”

Sam insists that he’s not freaked out, because they’re like brothers, and honestly he enjoys the attention, it’s flattering. Blaine’s shocked that Sam’s not creeped out. Honestly, it’s pretty cool.

hey bro this feels good maybe later we could do it horizontally

fuck i’m the best ally ever

I love Glee for moments like this, but I admit they frustrate me too, because they never pull off similar feats for the ladies. The gay boy/straight boy friendship thing is murky territory, and they just busted right through that friendship’s greatest taboo in like 30 seconds and did so with style. I wish there were more ladies in the writing room. Out of curiosity, I did the math: there have been 83 episodes of Glee thus far: six directed by a woman and seven written by a woman. That means only 8% of all Glee episodes were written by women. 8%! So.


Following a horrid red-eye, we return to New York City, home to my favorite restaurant Zen Palate, where Kurt, Santana, Bruce and Santana’s girlfriend pillow are watching a Facts of Life marathon. Santana catches on to the lesbian subtext right away:

Santana: “We have to turn this into a musical so that I can play Jo.”

Rachel pops in to add that she’d like to play Blair. Somebody make this happen!

tomboy my ass, that bitch is a capital-L lesbian

tomboy my ass, that chick jo is a capital-L lesbian

Rachel thanks Santana for sending Finn out to the city to “defend her honor,” which doesn’t make any fucking sense. Also seriously, who has the money to fly out to New York just to punch Geyerdean in the face? An unemployed kugel?

it's okay, i'm sure you'll meat a new potato product soon

it’s okay, i’m sure you’ll meet a new potato product soon

I have no idea why this show made me cry like fifteen times tonight. I don’t even like these people!

Kurt: “Don’t be sad.”
Rachel: “I’m not. I’m good, I feel, ready, you know? I’m ready for my Funny Girl audition and to maybe start seeing older guys, and I’m definitely ready for our new and permanent roommate. But I’m gonna use the pity card just for a second, since I’m the one whose heartbroken and going through a breakup and just found out that her boyfriend was some weirdo man-whore. I’m gonna get to pick the movie tonight, okay?”

She picks “the best guilty pleasure movie-musical ever,” Mamma Mia!

unfortunately for rachel, she'd left her pirated copy of "altar boyz" in the mamma mia case and everybody was in for a big surprise

unfortunately for rachel, she’d left her pirated copy of “altar boyz” in the mamma mia case and everybody was in for a big surprise

Unfortunately, I don’t care for this movie-musical, but you know what my guilty pleasure is? Really cheesy Glee musical numbers!

but wherever i go, there you are. my luck, my fate, my fortune. chanel number 5. inevitable

yeah, that’s right, we do it with the lights on

the brightest ring of angels around heaven

and the circle it goes round and round and the painted ponies go up and down

this one's for the christmas card

this one’s for the christmas card

this is a really mellow way to summon captain planet

this is a really mellow way to summon captain planet

 

YAAHAHAHH! I'm a fucking LESBO, BABBABYY!!!

YAAHAHAHH! I’m a fucking LESBO, BABBABYY!!!

oh, there's teen jesus! we thought he was written out of this episode

oh, there’s teen jesus!

 

kevin mchale wins this photo

kevin mchale wins this photo

And this one does not disappoint, mostly because Marley-Kate and Fake Quinn are hella cute, and the Bushwick Barbie Dream Girls are doing that cute roommate thing, and I don’t know, I just fell for it. What can I tell you?

Here’s the ABBA music video, circa 1975:

And here’s the Glee version, circa 2013:
http://youtu.be/1PPiJfOuv-A

See you in three weeks!! I’ll be taking vocabulary tests, trying to get my brain back, and g-chatting Laneia.

Pages: 1 2 3 See entire article on one page

Riese is the 37-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2689 articles for us.

43 Comments

  1. If Rachel is going to start seeing older guys, does this mean she shall follow in Quinn’s footsteps? If so, then can we expect her to date a professor about twice her age, go to Jodie Foster’s clambake, then sleep with Santana about 6 episodes later?

  2. I’m (pleasantly?) surprised that Glee didn’t sell-out and actually showed some decent morality in their rebuke for Chris Brown. Too bad they can’t recognize the misogyny of their own fucking show though.

    (Also: Geyerdean: “Not everybody has doting daddies to pay their bills.” I swear I had to read this 4 times to realize he wasn’t referring to Sugar Daddies)

  3. I actually really liked this episode until I read the hulu comments [TW for abuse apologists]:

    “Jake (aka New Puck) deserved an apology from the girls; it was guilty pleasure music so he shouldn’t have been judged.”

    “Chris Brown was so young & he made a mistake and that’s not an excuse but still.”

    “he’s apologized, let the man make money for his music.”

    “rihanna posts pictures of herself smoking weed on twitter & she’s an abuse enabler & they still cover her music”

    “i agree with New Puck that you should separate the art from the artist.”

    “tons of celebrities do drugs & Glee still covers their music.”

    Lesson learned: don’t read the comments.
    Other lesson learned: ew ew ew ew so many abuse apologists watching Glee. Also one of these abuse apologists supposedly works at Disney. DISNEY. THEY MAKE MOVIES FOR CHILDREN.

    • You know in that whole Chris Brown discussion, which was really intense, I was so happily surprised by how informed it was. They even brought up his tattoo which was/is super controversial (my take– whatever Chris Brown says it is doesn’t matter, it LOOKS like a battered woman and based on his past, that alone means if he was at all sorry for what happened he wouldn’t get it) AND they brought up the Frank Ocean fight. I mean, ok, yes, Frank Ocean is way popular and amazing and award-winning so it makes sense just on that level but that fight was very publicly about Chris Brown calling Frank Ocean the f-word. So though it seemed a little strange to come from Kitty, I was happy it was mentioned as he has had plenty of other public feuds they could have raised instead (doesn’t he have one with Drake too?). So– points to Glee on that one.

    • Never go to hulu or youtube for comments on Glee. 😉 Go to autostraddle or avclub maybe (they have the most entertaining comments section of anything). 😉 I’m on the fence about afterellen bec the recap is entertaining,but the comments sometimes turn into really passionate shipper discussions. hahah! 😉

  4. I’m happy you liked this episode, Riese– I think I now vicariously like it. Or maybe you just somehow persuaded me. I realllly did not like it last week but I was really stuck on the negatives of what you viewed as positives– I thought the scene in the hallway with Kitty’s “girl with a penis” comment was atrocious. I didn’t feel like she got called out at all. I loved the Chris Brown discussion but felt the Bobby Brown song was a cop-out (though, of course, that song is totes bomb– but of course that then led to me thinking too much about artists and their art and who they are as role models, ad nauseum). I can’t even talk about how much I loved the Spice Girls segment (though I was also at the theatre opening weekend for the movie with my college besties and a huge bin of buttered popcorn, combining 2 of the guiltiest of pleasures). I thought the wrapping up of Brody’s storyline was ok, like you wrote– not as bad as I thought it would be. Blaine’s cover of “Take a Look at Me Now” was breathtaking (sadly, I did not know that anyone didn’t know that was not originally by the Postal Service, I love that cover but loved the original when I was a kid too). But I thought the storyline of him and Sam was meh. It was always strained (typical Glee) and not very interesting so while I am happy it led to such a lovely song from Blaine to Sam, it was otherwise just — boring. (and really? the “what’s in your pocket?” schtick is sooo done).

    Anyhow, that was way more thoughts than I even knew I had about this episode! Thanks as always for the recap– and thanks for pointing out the happier/funnier moments to me again. At least, I thank you now and just hope I don’t somehow end up getting even more hooked on The Glee because of your excellent recaps (jkjk!). I am forever co-dependent with Glee. I have no one to blame but myself. And Klaine.

    • yeah i know what you mean that she wasn’t actually “called out” but honestly in my experience what happened there is representative of how younger people change their behavior in the real world. on tv people yell at each other a lot, and also on the internet, for sure, and those monologues and smackdowns are really epic and stuff — but in real life when you fully ‘call somebody out’ by explaining everything they’re wrong about, that person just gets defensive, and inevitably somebody else will side with them, and then all these differences build up between different sides, and then they’re too busy being bitter and close-minded to realize what bigots they are. but if you’re a person who thrives on attention — you want people to either be furious at you and getting all worked up over something you’re not even all that invested in (a common trolling instinct) or you want people to be entertained, to laugh. so when you tell a transphobic joke and nobody lectures you and nobody laughs, then what’s the point? she can’t get a rise out of anybody. she already knows she’s wrong at this point, that’s been established. don’t feed the trolls: real life edition. also nobody gets called out for anything on this show, and every week they say horrifically offensive things about all kinds of people but i usually leave the rest of it out, but i try to cover the trans* stuff. so it’s a miracle anybody ever responds negatively to anybody’s racism, homophobia, sexism, sizeism, etc.

      and yeah, the is-that-a-thing-in-your-pocket i wanted to pretend like that never happened and i had nothing to say about it. this show is just so weird!

      i mean, at least that’s what i saw. but if i’m totally misreading this as a cisgender human prone to making mistakes, i welcome corrections!

      • I was too busy screaming “She did NOT just SAY THAT!” at my television to hear Kitty being called out for that comment. But knowing she was, even if it was really subtle, makes me feel MARGINALLY better about this show.

        That’ll probably turn to shit next week though when we find out it was Unique “catfishing” Ryder. Blech.

        • yeah my jaw dropped and i immediately expected it to go un-checked, so when everybody scowled and brittany, who is usually too stupid to ever know what’s going on and usually thinks unique is mercedes, actually pushed her, inspiring kitty to take it back (which as far as i can tell, has never happened before). i was so pleasantly surprised that i possibly read it as being more positive than it was.

          i think what i thought was at least halfway-decent about this is that it wasn’t done in the typical style where glee says something obnoxiously offensive but So! Clever! and if anybody even reacts negatively to it, the offensive joke remains the source of humor. but here i felt like we were supposed to be laughing at kitty for flopping her “joke” so hard, not unique, especially since kitty’s joke wasn’t clever or funny or really anything besides one of the easiest and also worst things you can say ever.

          i cannot handle the idea of unique catfishing ryder (as discussed), that is crazytalk bullshit

      • you’re def right– it’s context for sure. that’s always the problem with glee– what it is in the context of society and tv right now is still far more progressive than a lot of shows. like, i loved when you very simply stated in one of your recaps (i think it was the diva episode) that there was a bisexual woman, trans woman, and gay men singing together. that’s crazy unheard-of anywhere else.

        but it’s also what makes it so infuriating. sometimes it feels like they are going for quantity over quality. it could be so good that i want it to be perfect!! which is impossible, i know, unless it was written by us 🙂

  5. I honestly don’t get why Santana would fly Finn out to hit Geyerdean. I think it would have been much more in character for her to be all “this is for hurting my friend, fucking stop it”, and then punching him herself.

    • also i know this show has no relationship whatsoever with reality, but for real it costs like $300 to fly from columbus to new york on a good day, and a last-minute flight, and he would go all the way out there and not even see rachel? or his BROTHER? that’s completely fucking insane. he just got fired. this show is nonsense.

  6. First of all, I LOVE that Santana’s lesbo cuddlepuppet is wearing plaid. How apropos.

    But really, Glee, you need to stop with this thing where you think it’s okay to make really offensive jokes as long as you cover it up by having another character say “Hey, that’s really offensive!” right after. It almost feels like the writers still want to make their awful jokes but are using other characters to cover their asses. It’s cowardly and backhanded and quite frankly I’m sick of it.

    … but I come back every week for summa dat Santana Lopez and those atrociously adorable teenybopper dance moves. Dammit, Glee, I wish I could quit you…

    • agreed. that’s what always gets me– they still make “the joke” but then add this little, hey, just kidding! except they weren’t because then they never would have written it to begin with.

  7. Thanks so much for this recap!

    I thought this was a winner recap the minute you referenced BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER! Awesomest TV show ever! 😉 Ah, Sunnydale – remember when it was just such a bidet of evil? 😉

    Strangely enough I actually watched this show. Twice.

    I can’t even explain why I liked it. Probably partly because it referenced TV shows I grew up with – yes, even Small Wonder. 🙂 I used to watch Golden Girls, Designing Women and Facts of Life. 😉 I liked the old music as well – but I prefer the original Phil Collins version, and it seemed a bit out of place, as you mentioned, being sung to Sam when it’s clearly for Kurt. Also, I’m kind of sick and tired of Blaine SINGING all the time, when I could hear Santana sing all the time instead. 🙂 Don’t be hatin’. I didn’t like the Creep version or the Spice Girls version, BUT! I actually enjoyed the campiness and cheesiness of it. I have a soft spot for Spice Girls – I love, love, love em, and I love Posh and Scary, so! And of course, one can never go wrong with Abba – one of our hobbies during our parties used to be watching Abba videos, so that was a whole lot of fun! So yeah, I just realized I am the target demo of this show! hahaha! 😉

    Overall, I had fun, and I don’t know why – probs bec I just pretended maybe that some parts weren’t said or did not exist at all – like Geyerdean, or that white Glee Project winner. And that discussion about Chris Brown/Bobby Brown – I didn’t know what to think of that, but yeah, it’s Glee, and I guess it was better than when they tried to handle somebody being forcibly outed or a white cis guy being an asshat about a transgender teen? So yeah.

    But I think it was also because the NYC scenes were FUN, and we got to see Santana, Rachel and Kurt being friends. Now, if only Santana and Rachel would hook, I’d be happy! hahaha! 😉 And Blaine and Sam as friends – that was nice, too. 😉 The Wham! and Barry Manilow covers were just entertaining, too. 😉

    Also, Marley as Posh with a passable Brit accent, so hot. Fake Quinn actually interesting. And Jacob can dance! Please let him sing and dance more. More than Blaine please.

    So, yeah. I enjoyed this episode. 🙂

    Thanks for the recap, Riese! 🙂

  8. How come you never make comments about Unique in a sexual way? I’m pretty sure you’ve had all the other female characters having sex with Santana or each other in your comments (like Kitty in this one) but never Unique. She’s a sexual woman too!

    • I don’t think it has to do with her transgenderism, I think it has to do with traditional attractiveness. It’s the hard truth but a lot of us don’t find her as attractive. Just like the recaps never talk about Dot Marie Jones, Mercedes, or Tina in sexual ways. I don’t think her being trans* or cross dressing (not sure if she identifies as trans* or not) has to do with it. Don’t misconstrue/ misrepresent that

      • mmm… i’d argue that the show very blatantly doesn’t put those characters in situations that lend themselves to innuendo-based screencaps, or to any lesbian innuendo at all. as for why that is… well glee is pretty special like that. also, i totally make/made sexual comments about tina and mercedes! i don’t really go there with the adult characters, but arguably dot marie jones is closer to “my type” than anyone else on the program. (and personally i’m more physically attracted to Tina than any other teenaged character on the show besides maybe Santana sometimes, so there’s that.)

        i mentioned once that i wasn’t really attracted to dianna agron and all hell broke loose, but i know people are into the idea of her/rachel/etc., so i play to that.

    • i actually commented last week that the show refuses to sexualize unique in any way or give her a romantic storyline and everybody commented back that it was better that way because they’d undoubtedly fuck it up… anyhow, unique is a pretty new character and she doesn’t get a lot of screen time or lines and also most of her lines/scenes have been about her gender identity, which’s not always the most appropriate time to make a sexual joke. who gets lesbian innuendo captions is based solely on who appears in screencaps that lend themselves to that and whether or not i can think of a better joke or not. anyhow, unique is in a few ‘caps this recap with sexual captions, sidenote. also i don’t think i’ve made comments like that about every female character on this show, i’ve been using more innuendo the last few recaps than ever before because i am running out of other jokes to make.

      i mean i know that you’re implying that i don’t see her as sexual because she’s trans*. i guess it’s definitely possible that i would be more careful with sex-related jokes around unique because innuendo with a straight female could be misinterpreted as me denying unique’s femaleness rather than what it would actually be, which is lesbian innuendo? ppl tend to take my words out of context and assume the worst where trans* things are concerned so i try really hard to minimize those opportunities. also she’s not been clear about her sexual orientation yet, and i don’t want to make any assumptions about that, either.

      • “ppl tend to take my words out of context and assume the worst where trans* things are concerned so i try really hard to minimize those opportunities.”

        Hm… seems like you’re deflecting accountability here. People probably “assume the worst” when it comes to you talking about trans people because they’ve seen the transphobic things you’ve regularly said in the past. I also think it’s interesting that you’re more concerned with avoiding getting called out than you are with actually not saying transphobic things.

      • She may not have declared her sexual orientation, but you do make lesbian/girl-on-girl jokes and references about Marley, Kitty, and Rachel, who have both only been portrayed in relationships with women. (Just pointing it out).

  9. Riese, I want to hug your brain because it is simply brilliant.

    P.S. this recap made me super glad I never took ambien and had internet access at the same time because holy wow shopping under the influence

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