Back in the Hallowed Halls of McKinley High School for wayward Spices, Tina’s dressed up as “Vikki the Robot” from “the TV cult classic Small Wonder,” which I’ve never heard of, despite the fact that I was alive for its entire existence, unlike these fellows:
Fake Quinn’s had her fill of obscure pop culture references but before she can dash, New Puck insists on apologizing as he was informed post-performance that Bobby Brown “allegedly got Whitney Houston hooked on crack, right?”
Fake Quinn: “Let me get this straight. You know about Vikki the Robot Girl but you didn’t know about Bobby and Whitney?”
Marley-Kate tells New Puck that each ocean starts with a drop of water and she loves Jessica Simpson and then they kiss and approximately six people care.
We then pack our go-bags, put on giant sun-hats, and drive in our topless cars all the way to New York, New York, where Rachel is being predictable by offering Geyerdean money for dinner, followed by, “I’m sorry, is it not enough? I wasn’t sure what the going rate was these days for male hookers.” NICE ONE, RACHEL. TWO THUMBS UP. What, no “get your dirty hands off of me?” Not a “I can’t even look at you”? Come onnnn.
Geyerdean: “Don’t judge me.”
Rachel: “For selling your body?”
Geyerdean: “Not everybody has doting daddies to pay their bills.”
(Also my girlfriend pointed out that it’s kinda redic that even THIS story has been given to a straight white cis male. It’s not even the first time really, because Sam.) Again, his fault here isn’t “selling his body,” it’s the fact that he wasn’t honest about it. Anyhow I bitched about that enough last week, SO!
Rachel shouts that Geyerdean claimed that with honesty, they could do anything, and he’s like um, except when you lied to me about rolling in the hay with Mr. Potato Head, and P.S., your starchy friend came all the way here to punch me in the face! Rachel seems touched that Finn flew out to New York just to punch Geyerdean in the face, because she’s a total idiot I guess?
Rachel: “You’re right I haven’t been uh – completely honest with you. I think that there was a part of me that was … using this. Partly to make Finn jealous, and um, the other part to just fill my own personal heartache.”
Okay, if anybody ever said that to me during a breakup I’d wanna stick spoons up my nose. That’s cold!
Geyerdean: “So, what, this is… it’s just over?”
Rachel: “Yeah, uh, it feels like it is.”
Geyerdean: “Seeing you around is really gonna suck.”
Then they start in with Radiohead’s “Creep” and somehow, somehow despite all my feelings and more importantly, my not-feelings, about these kids, it’s really heartbreaking and full.
My girlfriend also has a lot of feelings about Glee getting permission to cover Radiohead, but I don’t know, it made me cry a little.
Here’s Radiohead performing “Creep” live in 1997:
Here’s the Glee version:
We then slip on our killer high heels, sexiest corset and a pair of old sweatpants and fly back to Lima, Ohio, where Blaine’s making love to the piano by playing Phil Collins and Sam demands Blaine open up about his actual guilty pleasure. Sam’s obsessed with Blaine’s guilty pleasure.
Sam: “It’s okay, I get it, your guilty pleasure is me.”
Blaine: “Um… ”
Sam: “I mean – I mean, I’ve known all year and frankly I’m an attractive guy, and you are into dudes, and if you weren’t into me, I’d probably be pretty offended.”
Sam insists that he’s not freaked out, because they’re like brothers, and honestly he enjoys the attention, it’s flattering. Blaine’s shocked that Sam’s not creeped out. Honestly, it’s pretty cool.
I love Glee for moments like this, but I admit they frustrate me too, because they never pull off similar feats for the ladies. The gay boy/straight boy friendship thing is murky territory, and they just busted right through that friendship’s greatest taboo in like 30 seconds and did so with style. I wish there were more ladies in the writing room. Out of curiosity, I did the math: there have been 83 episodes of Glee thus far: six directed by a woman and seven written by a woman. That means only 8% of all Glee episodes were written by women. 8%! So.
Following a horrid red-eye, we return to New York City, home to my favorite restaurant Zen Palate, where Kurt, Santana, Bruce and Santana’s girlfriend pillow are watching a Facts of Life marathon. Santana catches on to the lesbian subtext right away:
Santana: “We have to turn this into a musical so that I can play Jo.”
Rachel pops in to add that she’d like to play Blair. Somebody make this happen!
Rachel thanks Santana for sending Finn out to the city to “defend her honor,” which doesn’t make any fucking sense. Also seriously, who has the money to fly out to New York just to punch Geyerdean in the face? An unemployed kugel?
I have no idea why this show made me cry like fifteen times tonight. I don’t even like these people!
Kurt: “Don’t be sad.”
Rachel: “I’m not. I’m good, I feel, ready, you know? I’m ready for my Funny Girl audition and to maybe start seeing older guys, and I’m definitely ready for our new and permanent roommate. But I’m gonna use the pity card just for a second, since I’m the one whose heartbroken and going through a breakup and just found out that her boyfriend was some weirdo man-whore. I’m gonna get to pick the movie tonight, okay?”
She picks “the best guilty pleasure movie-musical ever,” Mamma Mia!
Unfortunately, I don’t care for this movie-musical, but you know what my guilty pleasure is? Really cheesy Glee musical numbers!
And this one does not disappoint, mostly because Marley-Kate and Fake Quinn are hella cute, and the Bushwick Barbie Dream Girls are doing that cute roommate thing, and I don’t know, I just fell for it. What can I tell you?
Here’s the ABBA music video, circa 1975:
And here’s the Glee version, circa 2013:
See you in three weeks!! I’ll be taking vocabulary tests, trying to get my brain back, and g-chatting Laneia.