So, the idea behind this episode, entitled “The First Time,” is that these teenaged werewolves are ripe for the plucking and fucking. It’s important you keep that idea in mind since no actual plucking and fucking happens. It’s an optical illusion, like this poster from your fourth grade classroom:
So, Glee exists in a special upside-down world where pre-teen Brittany is nonchalantly statutorily raped in a tent at cheerleader camp and ragingly hormonal 16-year-old boys keep finding emotional excuses to avoid the horizontal mambo. To be fair, however, Finn is a lesbian and boy does he show his Sapphic side this episode!
So I’m just gonna recap the subjectively relevant parts, but for all ye children who live in caves or boxes without light or air or televisions, let me briefly describe the program’s other events.
There’s a subplot involving Coach Beiste and the recruiter from Ohio State (I’ll get to that conundrum in a tad, don’t you worry) striking up a romance over a shared love of football. As sweet as it tried to be, just because she’s a masculine woman doesn’t mean she’d be a 54-year-old virgin or need sex advice from a 17-year old in sweater vest! Remember the Will Schuster Pity-Kiss Episode? I just did. She’s not a sexual charity case for crying out loud. Basically, everyone treats her like Susan Boyle.
Also, Mike the Dancer’s father is stalking his son to tell Mike that he’s gotta quit dancing and the musical because Mike’s Dad sucked at tennis. Dad used up all the dreams, so there are no dreams left for other Changs. Dad disowns Mike, Harry Shum Jr tries to make a frowny face, and says, “then I guess I don’t have a Dad anymore,” at which point I laughed almost as hard as I did at the end when Kurt showed up with a nighstick.
LEZ GO!
We open with Artie and The Amazing Technicolor Cardigan wheeling around school, talking about himself. He gets a Chaz Bono joke in there, because the only thing I love more than Artie is a Chaz Bono joke.
We cut quickly to the McKinely Musical Mashtacular where Lea Michele and Darren Criss are killing Tonight from West Side Story and for one sweet moment the world is nothing but lovely music and teenage hopes/dreams.
For the ensuing 50 moments the world is penis. I haven’t been forced to have so many thoughts about penises since that one episode of The Real L Word. Speaking of the thunder down under, Artie incomprehensibly tells Blaine & Rachel that in order to properly capture the groin-centric yearnings of Tony and Maria, the two must engage in sexual intercourse ASAP. This school is a cesspool of sin. See:
So, back in the hapless hallways of McKinley High, Rachel saddles up to her enormous boyfriend with a beat-the-cheeks attitude and a gloriously Rebecca-Black-inspired poster for the Class President Student Council Body Leader election I’d completely forgot about. Finn’s on the fence regarding voting ’cause Kurt’s his brother, Rachel’s his girlfriend and he’s got a lot of respect for Ron Paul.
Rachel rubs up on Finn like her vagina is about to explode and Finn makes a Maalox face, which means they’re gonna have sex.
Kurt, preparing for his future blending in to the magic of Disney’s Jungle Cruise as a Tour Guide, has slaughtered an entire Safari and re-composed it as a multi-piece clothing-related ensemble, which he’s wearing while talking about dorky musical theater things with his dorky dancing boyfriend. It’s cute.
Speaking of wild animals, Kurt’s curious if Blaine’s opinion of Kurt has been tainted by the frequent references to and episodes about Kurt’s fey unsexiness or if Blaine’s still interested in fingering Kurt’s taint.
Blaine: “Are you crazy? You’re the single most interesting kid in all of Ohio.”
Kurt: “I mean, like… sexually. I mean, we are playing it awfully safe by not granting our hands visas to travel south of the equator.”
Here’s why:
The dynamic duo continue chatting about how maybe they should wear baggier jeans if they’re never gonna unzip:
Blaine: “I thought that’s what we wanted.”
Kurt: “It is. I’m just wondering… do you ever have the urge to just rip off each other’s clothes and get dirty?”
Blaine: “But that’s why they invented masturbation…”
Masturbation: a new invention brought to you by the same guy who put the ram in the rama-langa-ding dong. Regardless, Blaine and Kurt are Jedi Masters of restraint thus far and unlike his Hot-and-Cold castmate, Blaine is either too scared or too dreamy to jump into bed for artistic purposes.
Blaine: “Hey, I’m serious. We’re young, we’re in high school, yeah, we have urges, but whatever we do, I want to make sure you’re comfortable, so I can be comfortable. And besides, tearing off all your clothes is sort of a tall order.”
Kurt:“Because of the layers?”
Blaine: “Because of the layers.”
As much as Blaine allegedly loves his boyf, Kurt’s got ample reason to be insecure — whereas Blaine’s strapping good looks are a consistent conversation topic, Blaine won’t even throw Kurt a bone(r) in a conversation about Kurt’s perceived sexiness. Tell your boyfriend he’s hot, weirdo! At the same time Blaine’s got the personality of a dork who accidentally grew up handsome but doesn’t know it yet. I think Kurt knows it, though, and it makes him nervous.
Cut to Dalton, where Kurt & Blaine’s march toward sodomy is further derailed by Sebastian Valmont McEvil the Eighth, a brand new warbler and Blaine Superfan.
So, when Blaine stops back at Dalton — stepping right into an unnecessary musical number involving a hoard of teenage boys flirting suggestively with a suggestively-attired teacher — to hand-deliver an entire “block” of West Side Story tickets to his ol’ pals, Blaine meets this douchebag straight away. “Once a Warbler, always a Warbler,” says Sebastian Valmont McEvil the 8th. He’s gay and a villan. A “gillin,” if you will.
The two retire to the Study to chit-chat about Blaine’s decision to leave Dalton and Sebastian’s decision to be 100x cooler than everyone else ever.
This convo is intercut with Santana and Wendla Bergmann doing “A Boy Like That,” which is so hot that probably Santana’s shoe could set Michael Jackson’s hair on fire. This unfortunate editing is reminiscent of when Nikki & Shane’s bathroom sex romp was unnecessarily intercut with Bette & Tina’s Dance to the Death in The L Word Episode 607 (obviously Bette & Tina’s Dance was the only thing I wanted to see.) (SHENNY FOREVER)
Sebastian Vandermint: “I could really use some more insights from you, Blaine. You know, Warbler to Warbler.”
In the locker room, Finn, because he’s stupid, asks Puck for advice on “condom brands” in a hushed tone he’d usually reserve for asking one of his lesbian sisters for an extra hand with that Diva cup. Puck never uses ’em, however, so Finn’s got no choice now but to check Consumer Reports or The Internet. His brain hurts just thinking about it.
A recruiter from Ohio State has stopped by McKinley to recruit Finn Hudson, which is maybe one of the top ten most ridiculous truth-stretching plot twists in the history of Glee. As a University of Michigan alumnus with at least five Ohio State alums in my extended family and, most importantly, as a person who has watched five seasons of Friday Night Lights in the last six weeks — I CALL BULLSHIT. If Luke and Matt Serasen couldn’t bag a scholarship to TMU, Finn Hudson’s got a better chance of making it into Ilene Chaiken’s pants than he does Ohio State.
Meanwhile in The Hallway, Blaine’s got extra pep in his step now that he knows it’s better down where it’s wetter, take it from me. Blaine wants to live it up! Since this is Lima I assume living it up will include cow-tipping and going up the down staircase at the mall.
Blaine: “West Side Story is all about living outside of your safe little world. Don’t you want to wake up every day and be adventurous, and experience everything in life you can?”
Clearly Blaine’s ready to top Kurt’s Eiffel Tower or whatever, but Kurt’s been assembling a bucket list on his Apple iPhone™ with slightly more innocent desires, like having sex with Taylor Lautner and becoming CEO of Logo wherein his first executive order would be to force AfterEllen to link to us.
Kurt: “I know, I know it’s stupid.”
Blaine: “No, it’s not. It’s hot.”
Kurt: “Well, anyway, we’re young, so we’ve got all the time in the world to be adventurous.”
Blaine: “Don’t you think now is the time to be adventurous? While we’re still young?”
Kurt’s totally flummoxed by this because he’s a teenager and teenagers hate sex. It’s like the Brussel Sprouts of adolescence – so good for you, but hard to swallow.
Some time in the next approximate moment, we see Blaine and Sebastian at the coffee shop, where Blaine is enchanted by Sebastian’s memories of drinking expensive things I can’t spell in Paris.
Blaine tells Sebastian that he’s got a boyfriend, Sebastian says “that doesn’t bother me if it doesn’t bother you,” and before Blaine can finish explaining why they chose monogamy over polyamory despite Dan Savage’s advice, Kurt shows up! Right there in the casa de coffee! WHOA! HEY-O!
Despite it being the final week of rehearsals for West Side Story, Kurt quickly agrees that he and Blaine will accompany Sebastian to SCANDALS, a nightclub for friends.
So, Finn poisons his vegan girlfriend with meat and then she wants to have sex with his meaty head. Unlike, say, a 17-year-old straight boy in high school dating a hot chick who wants to bang, Finn ditches the fireside snuggle-related do-si-do when Rachel lets it slip that she’s only doing “it” to become a better Maria. In fact, Finn’s so disgusted that he buries his head in a pear tart and dies.
Just kidding! Just like the lesbian we all know he is, Finn gets his emotions and his panties tied in a wad and withdraws his sexual affection, retreating to the kitchen to eat his feelings. Pear tart, I believe.
Cut to one of McKinley’s many classrooms reserved for heart-to-hearts and marshmallow-sorting, where Rachel has gathered the Women of McKinley for Real Talk about Sex. She explains how her hubris spoiled her shot at Finn’s hot beef injection. She says she feels SO BAD about it and Brit-Brit and Tina agree, “that’s really bad.”
Quinn tells Rachel to wait, because, you know. Babies. In this day and age with so much hot sauce out there in the world, you can never be too careful.
Quinn: “I’m not just talking about getting pregnant. I’m talking about losing something you can never get back. It changes you. It makes everything more complicated.”
So basically, sex is like the retainer I dropped behind my bed eleven years ago. Anyhow, Brittany blithely reveals that she lost it to a guy who crawled into her tent at cheerleading camp. “Alien invasion,” she explains, but before you can say “um, what!?!?” we’re onto the next heterosexual love tale, because Ryan Murphy hates women.
Santana: “I also think you should wait. Speaking from experience, Finn is terrible in bed.”
Tina: “Santana that is not cool.”
Mmmm, except it’s the coolest thing anybody’s said this episode.
Santana, busy filing her manicure down to an appropriate lesbian length, recalls sex with Finn, who may or may not have been her first lesbian lover, with perfect detail:
Santana: “What, if Rachel wants my sloppy seconds she should at least know the truth. It was like being smothered by a sweaty out-of-breath sack of potatoes that somebody soaked in body spray.”
Then Tina starts in talking about how Mike Chang was her first love and it was perfect and they “just knew” it was time and YAWN YAWN.
Oh, btw, these Vagina Monologues are intercut with YET ANOTHER brilliant Santana/Rachel West Side Story number, underscoring Ryan Murphy’s relative inadequacy as a writer when compared to Stephen Sondheim.
Cut to the surprisingly accurate set for Scandals the small town gay bar. Kurt & Blaine find S-Bast posing for an imaginary Abercrombie & Fitch photoshoot at the bar with a beer for Blaine and a Shirley Temple for Kurt. It’s Drag Queen night, which I think is just an extra present from Glee to the Parents Television Council.
Before long the Gillin is all up in Blaine’s grillin’ and they’re dancing like they’ve never danced before. Meanwhile at the bar, Kurt nibbles on his Shirley Temple and small-talks OH GUESS WHO IT IS Karofsky! Karofsky looks about 45, identifies as a “bear cub,” and loves his new high school. Let’s give it up for Karofsky! Yayayayayay!
Kurt says something tender to Karofsky that makes you suddenly remember why you like this kid — when you find out what he’s actually been thinking, it can be semi-profound.
Cut to the parking lot. Blaine is at the stage of drunk where you say things like, “I just wanna make art and help people” and Kurt is at the stage of exasperated where when Blaine pounces on him like a tiger in the backseat Kurt freaks out and says he’s not fucking Blaine because Blaine was dancing with that dude all night, duh.
Blaine refuses to get back in the car and volunteers to walk home all the way from West Lima, which should take about nine hours.
Cut to West Side Story, starring The Glee Club and a handful of extras. First the cast brings Artie flowers and thanks him for making everyone feel bad about being virgins.
THEN THE SHOW GOES ON! yayayayayay!!! West Side Story involves Puck’s best Cheech & Chong impression, Santana’s hot tamale and a ton of girls compulsively swishing their skirts around, probably to air out that not-so-nice burning feeling between the thighs acquired from Puck the No-Condom Man.
Now that Santana has demonstrated how an entire Teenage Sex Riot can be contained in one human body, Blaine and Rachel are concerned about their upcoming performances:
Blaine: “How are we, as virgins, supposed to follow that?”
Rachel: “Tony and Maria were soulmates. Against all odds they found each other. I know what that’s like, and I know that you do too. So we just have to play that, we as actors have to tap into that.”
Why tap that when you can tap into that, amirite?
Everyone loves the show, I also love the show (West Side Story) and wish we could’ve seen it instead of this show (Glee)!
After the performance, Blaine is hopping around onstage when Kurt emerges wearing real human clothes for the first time this episode. They have a super-special heart to heart, Kurt tells Blaine that Blaine takes his breath away, cue the violins, Blaine looks like he’s gonna cry, and then they decide to go home and have sex.
In other sex-related scenes, Rachel stops by Finn’s, where he’s feeling sorry for himself about not getting into Ohio State, where he could’ve been besties with my Intern. Rachel & Finnigan snuggle up by the fireplace which I guess is code for him putting his beef in her taco.
Meanwhile, Kurt and Blaine are ALSO lying on a bed with all their clothes on, rubbing their noses together. You know what that means dontcha?
Sex? Um. I guess we’ll have to be satiated by Santana making love to the dance floor.
These “sex” moments are intercut with the next night’s performance of “One Hand, One Heart.” As the song comes to an end, the camera drifts to Kurt waiting in the wings in his hot cop gear with the night stick, and I wet my pants laughing.
So, in conclusion — I’ve seen heaps of First Time episodes at this point in my life (Degrassi: The Next Generation, Gossip Girl, Dawson’s Creek, Beverly Hills 90210, Friday Night Lights, The OC, Seventh Heaven, etc) and you know, perhaps I’m just a hopeless trashwhore but I feel like kids on teevee have at least 76 more complicated “am I ready?” feelings about potential sexual encounters than actual teenagers (except, of course, for kids who think sex is a sin and/or had abstinence-only sex ed, they probably have more complicated feelings). Like part of being “ready” is knowing that you’re ready and not having to ask every girl you know whether or not she thinks you’re ready.
“I know some things are worth waiting for, kids, but this episode is NOT one of them!”
– Buck Hollywood
But you know what is worth waiting for? NEXT WEEK ON GLEE:
Comments
Your recap was 100x more interesting than the actual episode!
It’s getting really hard to watch glee, Santana is pretty much the only reason why I still waste my time watching it.
This recap made me lol several times :p also yes I agree the cut to Kurt in his uniform at the end was hilarious.
The whole Rachel/Finn plot is so0o boring. I think it made the Kurt/Blaine plot more cute in comparison, if that’s possible, if they could be more cute
“you know, perhaps I’m just a hopeless trashwhore but I feel like kids on teevee have at least 76 more complicated “am I ready?” feelings about potential sexual encounters than actual teenagers (except, of course, for kids who think sex is a sin and/or had abstinence-only sex ed, they probably have more complicated feelings). Like part of being “ready” is knowing that you’re ready and not having to ask every girl you know whether or not she thinks you’re ready.”
THIS.
This recap was much better than the actual episode, which only had amazing parts due mainly to Naya/Santana even though the plot wasn’t about her at all. The performances were the bestest.
I cracked up with the SA references, four for you Riese!
That Adele mashup is all of my interests in one video and I think really the only thing to do now is watch it on repeat until I die.
But yeah no this episode was not a good thing for the world. They should have just re enacted West Side Story, even the sad parts. I can handle seeing Rachel cry much more easily than Natalie Wood.
I quit Glee last season. But damn it, these recaps are the awesomesauce. They give me an outlet to cheer for the adorable homogay couples (I used to cheer for the straights too, but no more) and laugh at everything else.
Riese, you’re the best for taking making mildly entertaining shit then recapping it into something absolutely hilarious and enthralling. Thank you, so very very much.
Yeah, I’m not a “Het is Ew” type of shipper, but the straight couples on Glee are really incredibly boring. It’s like that now that Glee is so committed to being the super-duper gay-positive It Gets Better show for teenagers, they kind of forgot that they had straight characters with whom they could do interest things. I feel like they’re putting all their good eggs in the Klaine and Brittana baskets these days.
“interest” should be “interesting”
“Yeah, I’m not a “Het is Ew” type of shipper, but the straight couples on Glee are really incredibly boring”
Same here. Some of my favorite TV Couples are straight, but it’s like the writers on Glee forgot how to write straight people somewhere in the midst of S2. Like, I used to really like Rachel Berry, and I kinda got her whole crush on Finn, and I liked Quinn and Mercedes and Emma. But then they just started writing them so repetitively, with absolutely no character growth, and they became these big cardboard cutouts of themselves. With Rachel being an absolute bitch, then learning the power of friendship and teamwork and then all of a sudden 3 episodes later she’s back to being the same and having to learn about the power of friendship and teamwork, all the while being totally shrill and mean.
The last straw was when the fucked up Take Me Or Leave Me. Like, a Diva-Off? REALLY? You took one of the gayest songs in Musical Theatre and sucked all of the meaning out of it.
although it delights me to see my “finn is a lesbian” assertion accepted as gospel around the universe, I must admit that his character is totally flat. this year literally all he has done is annoy people, follow them around, and get his nose in other people’s shit.
honestly, the fact that they’re all running against each other for student council president is a perfect example of how these characters have been denied growth.
the only character who continues to develop, i think, is santana. oh and quinn has become a cyborg or something.
every time I think Finn has reached his maximum lesbian potential, he dykes it up even more.
i know, right? i was slightly worried about his orientation, however, when it turned out that he served actual meat to his vegan girlfriend because he forgot she was vegan. a lesbian would never do that. but then he got so lesbiany during their “sexual encounter” that he made up for it immediately.
Damn Riese you killed it! KILLED IT. So good!
This recap is a piece of artwork. My stomach hurts from laughing!
I hated Artie’s outrageously inappropriate douchebaggery this episode. Come on, asking your COACH if she’s had sex??? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, MURPHY?? REALLY? REALLY????
Anyways, I was both elated at the WSS coverage and disappointed that there wasn’t enough. I was dying to see their version of America.
I am just offended that Australia decided to cut the masturbation line. WHAT IS THIS INSANITY?
Hahahaha are you SERIOUS?!
Yes!! I was reading another recap and they were talking about that line and I was like whaaaaat? This is why I watch online.
Oh they did? Wtf, I thought I just missed it. It’s cause they keep putting it on at 7:30.
Finn and Rachel together give me douchechills.
Hate Artie. Love Santana. That pretty much sums up my feelings.
Every time you write “yayayayay!”, Kermit the Frog comes to mind.
yayayayayay!! that’s what i wanted but i couldn’t find a good kermit animated yayayayay gif, so i just wrote it and hoped everyone would magically envision kermit anyhow. and you did!
http://www.mytinyphone.com/uploads/users/thesquash/130288.gif
Don’t mind me while I just sit here hitting replay on that adele mashup for the rest of time. or at least until the episode airs. at which point i will make a sammich and wet myself once i get in on the context behind all that brittana angst going on in performance. and then back to replaying it for the rest of time.
oh and so as not to completely waste this comment by not talking about the episode itself…artie is the worst, finn is more of a lesbian than I’ll ever be, and sometimes i think ryan murphy and IFC should duel to see who has a bigger god complex.
I’d also like for Riese to recap that duel.
I love how almost all the comments are about Naya/Santana. She definitely deserves it. But anyway. I watch Glee regularly but I swear, what I await anxiously every week are the recaps from autostraddle.
“Blaine is at the stage of drunk where you say things like, “I just wanna make art and help people” Haha!
“Dad used up all the dreams, so there are no dreams left for other Changs.” HAahah!
Santana detailing her sexual encounter with Finn made me chuckle. He looks like he’d be terrible unless you’re Rachel and you love him or something. I don’t think Santana would have said the same about Puck. Puck is probably a good lay. So is Sam. Probably. I’m sure Brittany will be.
The whole Artie insecurity came out of left-field. Like bad writing. There was no focus on him the whole season and suddenly he’s having a panic attack? Well probably because he’s been ignored! Which is fine, but still his scene before the show when they gave him flowers would have been more cathartic had it been developed better.
Also I watched America like 45 gagillion times. I can’t get enough. I think I could watch Naya perform always. She’s just really good. I wanna go see a West Side Story performance now.
And next week something sad happens. That Adele performance was masking a lot of feelings for Santana. Can’t wait to find out what.
The Artie thing was the low-point of the episode for me, too, not so much because I can’t believe his insecurity, but why does everything about his character have to be tied to the wheelchair? Can’t he be insecure about directing and not have it be about “I’m down here because of the chair and you’re up there”? If Glee is trying to make him more than just the character in a wheelchair, they’re really not doing a very good job of it, because I feel like every single episode that has focused on Artie from the beginning of the show has been all about that. The closest we got was when he broke up with Brittany in “Rumours,” but that episode wasn’t really about him.
This. A. Million. Times.
Also WetPaint.com has some spoilers about the “sad thing” if you’re curious: http://bit.ly/vGh5Md
(shortened the URL since it’s given away in the original URL)
Santana is just so hot in that dance scene. Wow! That red dress is ultra sexy…..
She’s so hot that “Santana’s shoe could set Michael Jackson’s hair on fire”….hilarious, brilliant!
how did they get to the show already is my question.
didn’t they start rehearsing two seconds ago?
mostly i’m just glad they realized there are more characters in West Side Story than the bizarre cast list they posted a few episodes ago.
I actually really liked this episode.
I don’t know, I just feel that in the land of abstinence-until-marriage sex ed, teaching kids that having sex for the first time can be something really nice (though probably a lot more awkward than what they showed here) and doesn’t have to ruin your life or CHANGE EVERYTHING is a message we should see on teen shows more often. I hope my little sister who goes to a conservative church and believes in abstinence-until-marriage saw this episode. Overall, I found it really sweet.
Also, it was really annoying me how this past season turned Rachel into another sanctimonious virgin for the “Sexy” episode when she so epically told off the Celibacy Club in the first season. So I’m glad to see echoes of the old Rachel in this episode.
And as an addendum to this comment: And it would be nice if we didn’t have to have TV characters go through all these weird feelings that, like described in the recap, are way more than what real kids usually go through before having sex for the first time. But I feel like for the kids who really need to hear the message that having sex can be a great thing and won’t ruin your life, it’s important for those kids to see the processing of feelings. I don’t know if a character like Santana, Brittany or Puck who has a more typical flippant teenage attitude about sex is that relatable to the kids who have been raised with these anti-sex beliefs
I’m in India right now, and can’t watch Glee but these recaps are so much better.
“i want you to know that i couldn’t pick a condom brand, so i just got some saran wrap instead”
DEAD.
So, you’ve given me reason to post this somewhere. Thank you. I’m with my first girlfriend and since we’re a few months in to our relationship,I have started thinking about getting some contraception. I googled where I can buy dams (made as safe sex contraception not just something to use as one) and the only places I could find were online and sex shops. Google then had plenty of sites give me the suggestion that you can either cut a condom or use saran wrap. I was dumbfounded. In my eighth grade public school (hetero sex only obvs) sex ed class we were told a condom and nothing else. We were told that anything else when it comes to protection (other than IUD, female condom etc) should be looked at as a joke, potato chip packets (lol) and Saran wrap included. But somehow, with lesbian sex its all ok?
I wrote about this on an Australian forum and asked why I should have to pay for shipping or go to a sex store to buy contraception. Many people replied and were shocked that queer women have to go out of their way to find contraception. One woman said she didn’t know what queer women used for contraception cause she’d never seen it and now she knows why.
If there can be 7 kinds of condoms in a drug store, why can’t we at least have one brand of dam? I have decided to do research regarding STDs/STIs in the queer lady community and the availability of dams in Australia. I am going to write to the major chemist/drug store chains and suggest that dams be made available. It’s not like dams look too different from condoms or are/only need to be used by queer ladies.
/End rant.
Contraception is actually a term used to describe birth control methods — as in, things that prevent a woman from getting fertilized by her male partner’s sperm. So that’s not entirely relevant to lady-on-lady sex.
http://www.autostraddle.com/safe-sex-for-lesbians-45382/
Oh ok well, wrong term. ‘Safer-sex aids’ should be more readily available.
Just wanted to say that you shouldn’t use saran wrap- it’s actually kinda porous and lets things through, not safe for STI protection. I’d recommend the condom-cutting method far more. Good luck with safe sexing!
I teach sexual health education to first-years at my university and we always tell people if they don’t have a dental dam or don’t like them you can take a latex glove, cut the fingers off, cut it down the side and voila! you have a homemade dental dam. If it’s a powdered glove, wash it to remove the powder. Obviously, this won’t be okay for people allergic to latex. Also, be careful to keep the side on your partner on your partner and the side facing out facing out since the point is to keep fluids separate. Use a new one for each new act, etc. etc.
As an avid sports fan and a person whose career will be in college athletics. I enjoyed the ohio state/michigan quotes the best. totally unbelievable FINN.
I actually shouted out loud at the preposterous idea that Finn was being recruited for OSU. I guess he could have been approached to fill the lesbian quota for the team.
The Mike Chang scene felt like someone decided at the last minute to remind us that that was still a thing. Harry Shum’s acting was…uh, palpable. And the dialog was awful and cheesy.
Artie was a douche and totally inappropriate. Coach Bieste….I actually can believe that she sees herself as so unattractive that she’s never had sex. They already established that she’s never been kissed because she thinks she’s not the type of pretty that anyone would notice.
Blaine and Kurt were sweet and it looks like Kurt has perfected his shimmy. He was shimmying for his life on that dance floor. PT Cruiser in the parking lot of gay bar? I think not.
I didn’t think much of the Britanny line about alien invasion at the time. I just figured it was another throw away about her belief in aliens. Seems though a lot of women took it another way though.
Santana. Red dress. Singing. That is all I’m able to say about that.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched the Adele mash up from next week. Well I could but then I’d be embarrassed.
The entire “Finn is a lesbian” thing in all of your Glee recaps makes me laugh. so. hard. every. time.
I lost it at the picture of him looking like a daydreaming idiot with the caption, “thinking about Tegan and Sara.”
that shit is hilarious.
Riese, we’re in a fight. I’m at work and my coworker thinks I’m crazy because I laughed at the really lame pun about not being able to stand Artie in the alt-text of the image.
Also the main thing I learned from this episode is that gay men have sex fully clothed.
“I’m thinking about Tegan and Sara.”
Bahahaaha! Your Finn is a lesbian jokes kill me. So good.
I was kind of giddily excited about this episode because of the Kurt/Blaine actually addressing sex story line. But it got dumb very quickly. Why does Artie keep getting away with acting like a total douchebag and no one ever questions it? Also, come on. Emma and Beiste are still virgins? What universe does this show exist in? Actually I don’t really want to know. I’d rather not be inside Ryan Murphy’s imagination any longer than an hour a week.
THAT ADELE MASH-UP.
I can’t even breathe.
As with most things, Joss Whedon does the best “first times” in my book. C’mon, Willow/Tara with the rose? Buffy/Angel with the, well, skin (which there was zero of in this episode about sex)? Can he please run this show, I mean we know he can do musicals and he’s pretty gay-jacent. I digress.
I appreciate the Sebastian Valmont reference. I swear anyone named Sebastian is destined for douchedom. Which is why my drag name is Sebastian Oh ;)
‘This unfortunate editing is reminiscent of when Nikki & Shane’s bathroom sex romp was unnecessarily intercut with Bette & Tina’s Dance to the Death in The L Word Episode 607 (obviously Bette & Tina’s Dance was the only thing I wanted to see.)’
I disagree, Riese. Niki’s UNF faces were worth it imo. Oh, and I really disliked TiBette so I do admit I’m biased. Also, since you linked me to that recap, Riese, can I just repost what you wrote about said scene for a second. It kinda freaked me out the first time and it still does lol:
The Pick-Up: Probs “Hey, are you an asshole? I’m also an asshole. Let’s go be assholes together. Maybe at some point, I can touch your asshole. Do you like that? Probs not. That’s why you don’t have sex with boys anymore, isn’t it. Boys always think you’ve got a secret up there and anyway aren’t you saving your ass virginity for Brian Kinney , yes you are.”
…..
Back to this episode. I actually really liked the scene with Karofsky. It was understated. With all the hype around the sex scenes I found that scene refreshing. Loved Santana and Rachel’s West Side Story performances. I liked Dot-Marie Jones’ acting but I totally agree that they are treating her like Susan Boyle. As much as I try to get into the Mike storyline the lines are just so cheesy that I find it difficult. I also found Tina’s first time talk way too cloying for my taste. I have to say, I do much prefer the prefer Coach Beiste’s romantic storyline over any romantic storyline involving Will.
I should know by now not to read these recaps at work; I’m sure my co-workers think I’m crazy as I sit here clapping my hand over my mouth to stop from laughing out loud.
This episode was so boring, except for when Naya was on screen. “America” was fabulous, she should wear that red dress and sing always. That’s mostly how I feel about Glee in general this season so thankfully Santana is becoming more and more featured.
Pretty sure this was my highlight. Favourite Character singing one of my favourite musical numbers of all time?? Yes Please.
So for some reason, when I watched it, I just totally missed the part where Kurt and Blaine are in bed… Did I just ffw too far, forget it happened or Time Warner Cable extremely anti-gay and cut it out of my episode to fuck with me?
It was there. I have TimeWarner Cable, too. It is very brief though.
This was hilarious. But I don’t know if I’m more excited for the Santana-centric episode next week or to read your take on it. It gon’ be gooood.
ughughugh this show makes my head hurt. But your recaps are the shit! Sometimes I wish I could just read your screencaps all day instead of like doing work or being a responsible adult and things. I would be the happiest kitty in a hoodie EVER!
Dammit. I never noticed the brilliant picture filenames before so clearly the most productive way to spend my evening is to go and re-read every recap…
Also, if those looks Santana is giving Brittany while she sings mean what I think they do, I officially give up on Glee. Watching it anyway, I’ll still read these freaking brilliant recaps.
This Recap was more interesting than the episode it references.
This makes it hard for the Glee writers; Maybe they should hire Riese?
This episode was so boring and those were the tamest “first times” I’ve ever seen on tv. Artie kept up his role as biggest douchebag in Lima. Finn was delusional to ever think that Ohio State might be interested in him considering his team has won about two games in his entire career.
If I could write recaps like this, I’d probably get recruited to the OSU football team.
“YOU SEE THIS SHIRT? THIS IS MORMON UNDERWEAR. THIS SHIT DOESN’T COME OFF.”
I live in Utah, and I greatly appreciate jokes like this on AS. I had a Mormon aunt tell me that she didn’t think Glee represented the true high school experience because, “Kids aren’t gay in high schools.” -_-
Also. Agreement = “CEO of Logo wherein his first executive order would be to force AfterEllen to link to us.”
Wait…afterellen.com won’t link to autostraddle? Is that true?
This recap had me busting a gut (with laughter). LOVED the Adele mash-up. What was with all the looks Santana/Brittany/Mercedes were giving during the performance? I’m intrigued and excited for next episode (blind optimism)!!!
Thanks for catching the really weird/brief moment of Brittaney talking about her first time; it didn’t sound very consensual. I did a double take when when she said it and was surprised that there was not follow up. Sheesh, Ryan Murphy.
Back when I was in high school, if one of my friends had come to me asking if she were ready to have sex with her boyfriend, this would have been my thought process: “If you’re asking ME, definitely not. Because if you’re asking others, you’re not ready. If you’re asking your boyfriend, you might be. But why would you be asking me? To bring up the idea of sex… with me? Hmmm.” And then I would have tried to hit that. Because come on… Rachel wants to get some, but I don’t think it’s from Finn. I think it’s from one of the people she asked. That would actually make sense.
“Masturbation: a new invention brought to you by the same guy who put the ram in the rama-langa-ding dong.”
Or as my dad said when Blaine asserted that SOMEONE, ANYONE invented masturbation: “No one INVENTED masturbation!”
Thanks, dad.
I like the humour in your review but I don’t think your review did the episode justice. Like most people I realise that Glee isn’t always a very realistic show.
But I think what they did this episode was send a great message to teens about sex.
Kurt could have had sex with Blaine in the car and Finn could have had sex with Rachel when she wanted to method act, but they didn’t. They waited until they were all ready.
Glee has said that your first time can be truly special if it’s with someone you love, whether gay or straight. And that’s why I love this episode.
I guess I’m the target audience for Glee…I’m a girl who’s a high school senior. Obviously, the message that sex is not a bad thing is a great message, but I have to say this episode of Glee really bothered me because of the way it made this message. It’s also ok NOT to have sex, for whatever reason. I’m ok with the fact that I haven’t had sex yet, and parts of this episode basically told me I was a freak for that. When Artie looked at Blaine and Rachel and was like “hmm well I don’t get why you two don’t want to have fun” because they hadn’t had sex while in serious relationships, I was super uncomfortable. Just a few days ago I was talking to my best friend about the pressure we feel to have sex because “everybody does it in high school.” She’s been with her boyfriend for a long time and I’m single now but was in a serious relationship last year where I didn’t have sex. Our reasons for not doing it had nothing to do with abstinence-education or religion or anything like that. And we were in love. That doesn’t mean I’m an awkward joke like Rachel was made out to be for being a virgin. Telling kids that sex is dirty and wrong is terrible but telling them that you’re stupid if you don’t have it is just as bad.
It’s also important to remember that real juniors and seniors in high school look nothing like the actors on Glee…Then it might be a bit easier to imagine us not having sex.
I TOTESSS agree with you. In the end where both couples ended up having sex, I yelled, “What about everyone else?!?!” at my screen.
I’m ETERNALLYYYY glad I didn’t sleep with any of the clowns back in high school haha. And it’s really cool that you made the decision of not having sex if you don’t feel ready. I’m not comfortable with shows making it look like not going all the way=failure.
And I hate to be old fashioned, but I was very happy to know that me and my girlfriend are each others’ first. I know that doesn’t mean much to others, but it does to me. :]
I totes agree about everyone not looking like the Gleesters. Heck yeah they’d get laid…but some of us weren’t so glamorous haha.
See, I thought that the episode came down (lol) on the side of not having sex for shallow reasons like “preparing for a play.” When Rachel told Finn she wanted to have sex with him for that reason, he backed off. Both actors tried to rush into it with their respective boyfriends and it didn’t work… until they’d had time to really think about it and talk over it and prepare for it, AFTER opening night, and they knew it was right.
For the record, I didn’t have sex in high school and I’m also grateful for this – none of the boys I liked then were worth it (I didn’t yet know I was bi).
THE SNEAKERS HAVE HEELS OH MY GOD MY EYES
it’s official, i’m leaving new directions to join the queer glee club.