Hello and welcome to the thirteenth recap of the fourth abysmal season of Glee, a comedic romp about what happens when a tight-knit group of musical adolescents eat nothing but Noxzema for an entire year and stop wearing underwear. The weirdest part, to be honest with you, is the Potatonik steering the ship, and the second-weirdest part is all the faces these kids keep making:
Anyhow, this episode everybody fought over who could wear the most rhinestones and dead animals at the same time. It was called “Diva,” named after, OBVIOUSLY, Diva Cups. I prefer ob tampons, but to each her own. For example, Marley-Kate prefers Tampax Radiant for some reason:
Anyhow, enough about vaginas, it’s time to talk about Glee!
We open in what appears to be an actual classroom at Fake Julliard, wherein Bitchy Gay Boy #1, Bitchy Gay Boy #2, Kurt Hummel and ten or so extras of indiscriminate age are enjoying Free Sing, which’s absolutely nothing like Free Swim, FYI.
It’s like this:
Kurt monologues that since The New Rachel’s triumph at Winter Musical Lalala Singing Lilting Lyrics Showcase Time, her insufferabiltiy level’s been on blast: she hogs the pool during Free Sing, uses all the hot water, clogs the sink with the stringly discards of her Ombre situation and likely commits a dozen other water-related crimes. She probably pees in the ocean, too. That’s what divas do. Divas pee in the ocean.
Furthermore, says Kurt’s brain, The New Rachel surrounds herself with “sycophants,” aka Bitchy Gay Boy #1 and Bitchy Gay Boy #2, who, by the way, insist Rachel must audition for the Funny Girl revival ’cause she was “born to play Fanny Brice.”
Kurt has a plan:
Kurt: “This Sarah Brightman in training needs to be knocked down a few pegs and I’m the only one who can do it.”
Mhm. You know who else has a plan?
We then adorn ourselves in fluffy snowsuits with generous hoods and sled all the way back to Lima, Ohio, home of the Apollo Career Center, where Emma’s advising Finn that the solution to his “we need a powerhouse like Rachel/Santana/Mercedes to win Regionals” problem is to host an internal Diva-themed competition.
Basically, everybody will have to put a Diva Cup inside them, and whoever fills theirs up the fastest; wins. Just kidding! It’s just gonna be like all the other episodes but at the end somebody will get a prize and it’ll probs seem a tad arbitrary, but we’ll enjoy it just the same!
Finn announces, using language reminiscent of my Olive Garden Manager Mike’s inspirational speeches about selling Create-a-Sampler Italianos, that “Diva Week is all about finding your inner powerhouse.”
Emma: “Diva. The online Urban Dictionary defines a diva as “a fierce, often temperamental singer who comes correct. She is not a trick-ass ho and she does not sweat the haterz.”
New Puck: “Great, so I guess the guys are screwed this week.”
Blaine: “Um, guys can be divas.”
Emma: “That’s right, we all have inner divas. I myself have been considered quite a diva at many a local restaurant because I know what I want and I will send a dish back.”
Unique suggests her classmates better step off because there’s only two ways to spell Unique, and one of them is “D-I-V-A” which, for the record, definitely does NOT spell “Unique.” There’s only one way to spell Unique. This show is confusing.
Also confusing: why is it okay for Tina Cohen-Chang to say “I have more diva in my little finger than you have in your whole angry inch, Wade-Unique”? Here’s the answer: IT’S NOT, which’s why Marley-Kate’s immediate assertion that Tina’s “unchecked” smack-talk is “about to end” is encouraging to us — is Marley-Kate gonna take a stand against transphobia? Haha just kidding, her smack-talk is about to end because it’s time for a musical number!
It’s “Diva” by Beyoncé!
Marley-Kate’s dressed like the lovechild of Phyllis “Pizzazz” Gabor, Jane Fonda and Ziggy Stardust, Blaine’s doing Michael Jackson On Ice and somebody’s draped three dead wolves over Unique’s divalicious shoulders.
Fake Quinn is like a slutty Queen of the Emerald City and I love it. Tina and Brittany are practicing to be the cake toppers for Cher and She-Ra’s lesbian wedding.
We then return to The Glee Room…
Emma: “…and that is how I made the manager cry at The Cheesecake Factory. For being a diva.”
Aw. Emma is such a critter.
Starsweep over all of the things in the whole world until we arrive at the Barbie Dreamhouse Bushwick Loft, where Kurt’s had just about enough of The New Rachel’s demands for tea with a wee bit of honey. The duo begins squabbling, because it’s the Diva Episode.
Kurt dishes out some real talk about The New Rachel’s attitude, likening it to old-school Lima Rachel, but Rachel’s really in full-throttle-bitch mode today. She reminds Kurt that she got him into Winter Showcase in the first place, and Kurt counters that despite her “win,” HIS performance was the one “everybody” was talking about. And by “everybody” he means tumblr.
Kurt challenges The New Rachel to a rematch at “Midnight Madness,” which’s clearly not the same situation as the probs delightful Disney movie Midnight Madness, starring Michael J Fox in his first film role. This “Midnight Madness” is a sing-off or something. The New Rachel insists Kurt will lose, just like he lost in Season One.
Kurt blasts back that the only reason Rachel beat him in Season One’s Diva-Off is ’cause Kurt threw it on purpose, hoping to save his father the humiliation of having to watch his son sing a lady-song or whatever wacky plot situation they pulled off that week. Rachel is “crushed” to hear this, having based her entire ego apparently on that one episode. Weird.
Cut to the hallowed hallways of McKinley High, where X-Tina’s presenting her Gaycrush Blaine with a Winter Cold kit which includes NyQuill, Chinese Chicken Soup and other shit, but probs not porn. Illness kits should ALWAYS include porn, X-Tina.
Back in the Glee room, Blaine, dressed like a Village Person, catapults into animated life at the piano for a rousing rendition of Queen’s “Don’t Stop Me Now.”
Then Finn & Emma open their mouths and words come out, words about DIVAs. More importantly, Finn’s called in a Special Guest Diva — who could it be?
Nope, it’s not Raven-Symone! Also it’s not Celine Dion, FYI. THEN WHO IS IT?
It’s Santana Lopez!
She’s accompanied by the Yardbirds of Kentucky and will be performing “Nutbush City Limits,” a famous song by Tina Turner and her asshole ex-husband Ike. The cheerleaders make quick movements with their asses, stomachs and groins.
Reactions are mostly positive.
At the song’s conclusion, Brittany wants to high-five Santana for “the greatest moment in show business history” and also wants to know why Santana didn’t tell her she was gonna be in town. Santana wants to know why Brittany didn’t tell her that she was dating Sam.
Santana: “I had just left a comment on my favorite Rizzoli & Isles lesbian subtext blog when I heard the news.”
Turns out X-Tina made the call to let Santana know. So now, Santana would like to introduce her girlfriend/backup, Elaine, “and by girlfriend, I mean out and proud, lipstick-loving, AfterEllen-reading girlfriend.” Mmmmhm.
This Lesbian Blogging Community namecheck is likely only the latest in a series of tactical moves administered by Admiral Ryan Murphy and his Show. Yes. They have a plan.
If anybody here reading this is under the age of 21, I want you to know that ten years ago, this situation would’ve made Fox lose all its advertisers:
If you’re not already dizzy from all the traveling this episode, you better get your new LA Gears on and run 40 marathons back to Fake Julliard, where Geyerdean’s explaining that Midnight Madness is like Fight Club, except without fighting, which really means it’s nothing like Fight Club at all, but whatever.
Bitchy Gay Boys #1 and #2 swoop in to be bitchy and gay:
Bitchy Gay Boy #1: “Everyone knows the only reason Hummel got in is because he’s Carmen’s pet turtle-face.”
Bitchy Gay Boy #2: “And signing up for Adam’s Apples? He may as well wear a sign that says, ‘I am a pathetic, please club me to death.”
Rachel: “Kurt earned his place at NYADA, just like you two.”
Kurt Hummel, he who Does Not Put Up With Your Bullshit, pops in to stand up for himself, declare he’s dealt with much worse than bitchy gossip and that shit’s gonna go down, Jackie Brown.
Back in Lima, Ohio, Finn’s mourning losing The New Rachel to another man. Apparently she changed her “facebook status” to “shacked up,” which must be a new Graph Search feature. Emma suggests he flirt with the 26-year-old math sub and Finn describes himself as a fingerling potato I MEAN as a “man-child.” Accurate.
Ugh you guys, how do you feel about Finn not being annoying anymore? Now he’s just a snoozeberry.
Elsewhere in this fine educational institution, Santana Lopez has lured Sam to the auditorium for a dressing-down. She tells Sam that she’s not jealous, she just thinks Brittany can do better. Obviously she’s lying to herself about that and I think, according to the 2-2-2 rule, that in two months she’ll be like “nah I was totally jealous.”
Santana: “She could’ve dated anyone, boy or girl. But no, she chose you. The one person she knew would send my brain straight to Lima Heights.”
It’s unclear why anybody would fight over Brittany, after her lackluster performance as Girlfriend during Santana Coming Out and Sam Failing the SATs, but whatever. Santana insists the relationship’s got a short shelf life, like tuna salad, and that soon enough Brittany will figure out that he’s boring and his impressions suck.
Sam’s like, but then what? Are you gonna get back together with her? And she says she’ll be taking it one episode at a time, just like the writers do.
Santana: “First, I’m gonna cut off the Sam-sized tumor on her heart, and then we can begin the long, slow process of cleaning the stink of your mediocrity off of her.”
Sam: “I’m not letting her go without a fight.”
Santana: “What do you think we’re here for?”
Oh, a moody ballad Fight! Those are the worst kind of fights.
They sing “Make No Mistake, She’s Mine,” by Kim Carnes & Barbara Streisand. Then the scene is over, and all of us are the same people we’ve always been, and always will be.
X-Tina, still riding out her multi-episode arc as a Lovesick ‘Fag Hag’ Lunatic, is monologuing about Blaine’s pound puppy eyes and how Diva Tina wouldn’t call Mike or be afraid of going after what she wants. Like how the writers are afraid of giving her a storyline that isn’t really stupid.
Anyhow, you know what she should be afraid of, though? Having a crush on a gay guy! Said gay guy tells her how sweet she is, and she’s like:
X-Tina: “I don’t wanna be sweet. I wanna be the girl that kicks in the door and makes demands and gets what she wants. But let’s be honest, no one thinks “diva” and pictures me.”
Blaine, apparently thinking this is a race issue, points out that there are heaps of “Asian Divas.” He names Lucy Liu, Bai Ling (she’s bisexual sidenote) and B.D. Wong (he’s gay and one of my favorite humans ever, sidenote, BD WONG FOREVER ALL-AMERICAN GIRL FOREVER, L&OSVU FOREVER, OZ FOREVER, FOREVER AND EVER), and concludes that she should come over after school and he’ll find her the right song to bring out her Inna Diva. Too bad they already sang “Diva.” They should do a week where everybody has to sing the same song.
Later that evening at Chez Blaine, X-Tina cuts straight to the chase and asks if he’s ever been with a lady. Nope, says Blaine, just that Rachel Berry kiss, which shouldn’t count.
X-Tina: “We’re young. We still have time to find ourselves.”
Blaine has put together an old-school diva playlist for Tina, apparently Madonna and Cher are old school now, I’m going to choke on my dentures and die. Then Tina tells Blaine she’s falling in love with him!
X-Tina: “Even if we end up having just a sexless relationship, which many Asian girls and gay men do, it’d be worth it.”
Unfortch, Blaine’s NyQuil kicked in pre-love-confession, so now he’ll never know that X-Tina wants to crymasturbate forever and ever in exchange for his hand in marriage. Then Tina rubs Vabo Rub on Blaine’s chest like a total creeper, while crying, and it’s just overall really embarrassing and disturbing for everybody so let’s move forward.
Just FTR if Finn was rubbing Vabo-Rub on Santana’s breasts while she slept because he wanted her to be straight and have sex with him, I would probably fly to Ryan Murphy’s house and throw eggs at his window for ~3-4 hours. I just wanted to um, throw that out there.
At Midnight Madness, a gaggle of well-behaved nicely-dressed extras sit cross-legged on the floor while Geyerdean explains the rules, which include multiple references to the allegedly savage nature of this event.
He actually calls it a “bloodbath.” Reader: this little event is not a bloodbath. THIS is a bloodbath:
This is just Rachel Berry and Kurt Hummel performing “Bring Him Home” from the lengthy musical Les Miserables.
Kurt wins! Because of the patriarchy, obviously.
Cut back to Lima, Ohio for some more fan nods –
Sue Sylvester: “What is with you Glee Club ex-pats? Don’t any of you have jobs? You have to have some source of income so you can pay the staff of scientists who service your teleporters that you all clearly own, since you’re constantly showing up here.”
Santana doesn’t address the intriguing teleportation storyline and instead insists she’s got a light schedule this semester, but Sue calls her bluff: the cheerleading coach has already informed Sue that Santana dropped out of school. Santana obvs was too hot for Kentucky:
Santana: “Everyone thought I was being a bitch when all I was doing was being brutally honest with people.”
Sue suggests Santana takes over the Cheerios, and we all cross our fingers and toes that such a thing will never happen, because apparently there aren’t any more lesbians at McKinley and we want Santana to get laid.
Back in the Hallowed Hallways of McKinley High, X-Tina’s upset at Blaine for being gay so she’s gonna yell at him about how she makes him soup and he should um, uhh, I don’t know.
X-Tina: “I give you all of my heart, gladly, and I love hanging out with you Blaine, and I love — it’s sad because you don’t see that it’s me that gives you that support—”
This unfortunately goes on for another unbearable minute before we break into “Hung Up,” by Madonna, a song which reminds me of when we were re-painting our Sparlem apartment to avoid crazy landlord security-deposit-deductions and I had my little pump-up mix on and Matty complained that the lyrics of this song were accurate because whenever it came on, he hated it so much that time really did seem to slow down. Anyhoo!
It’s a hot number and Tina looks fucking awesome in her pink leotard situation. Some straight guy should WeVibe the hell out of that unit.
Back in the haughty hallways of Fake Julliard, Kurt’s feeling guilty about winning and Adam Apple’s trying to calm his guilt when the Bitchy Gay Boys show up to sycophant all over Kurt’s tiny butt, suggesting he accompany them to the Funny Girl open call followed by rush tickets to Mama Mia. Kurt’s like, are you fucking kidding me? Mama Fucking Mia? Actually no he’s like:
Kurt: “I don’t think so. I think you both are shallow and obnoxious. And I think the only reason you run around kissing everyone’s ass is because you know you’ll never make it on your own. And one more thing – if you say one more nasty thing about Adam’s Apples, I will challenge you to the next Midnight Madness. And we all know how that ends.”
Downstream, Rachel looks forlornly at the bullentin board. She’s devastated by her loss and isn’t interested in Funny Girl auditions or something.
We then put on our backpacks and hiking boots and stuff some trail mix in our buttholes and rush back to Lima, Ohio, to see who won the Diva Contest. I believe Blaine and Tina were the only members of Glee who actually did the assignment so anyway TINA WINS!
Out in the hallway, Blaine gives X-Tina some flowers and says he’s been waiting for everybody to notice X-Tina’s divaliciousness.
Blaine says X-Tina’s his bestie best friend forever and he loves her soo soooo sooo much and will she be his date for Mr. Shue’s wedding? X-Tina’s vagina explodes and she says yes and gets all the wrong ideas. As Kurt would say, “and we all know how that ends.”
Back at the Barbie Dreamhouse Bushwick Loft, The New Rachel’s feeling sorry for herself and refusing to audition to play Fanny Brice, which we’re reminded for the fifth time is “the role she was born to play,” and says she can’t handle the pressure of show business without turning into a bitch, and Kurt’s like, well, too late. But we’re dealing with it.
Kurt: “You are a diva, and you have been a nightmare, but you’re not a diva because you’ve been a nightmare. You’re a diva because you’re talented and ambitious and because no one else in the world can do what you, Rachel Berry, can do… so hold the nightmare, but bring the diva.”
Then they hug and say they love each other. The most important takeaway from this scene is that they’re def gonna audition for Funny Girl, so don’t worry.
Back in Lima, Emma is still totally freaking out about the wedding and her giant checklist and if the flowers will be right because this is all so hard with Will being gone. Finn helps a little bit and then somehow ends up kissing her?
I think this happened so that the wedding can become a big catastrophe next week and Finn can give another teary speech about his faltering self-confidence and not feeling like he fits in anywhere because he’s trapped between childhood and adulthood, and he kissed Emma because he wanted to feel like he mattered for once and bla bla bla NEXT!
Starsweep down the hallways with the fury of a thousand suns, to where Brittany and Santana are meeting up to have lesbian sex. Just kidding, I got this show confused with my dreams for this show.
Anyhow, Brit-Brit’s not gonna give Sam the axe:
Brittany: “I’m not breaking up with Sam. I really like him. He makes me feel really smart and think about things like where air comes from and how come in every movie about Jesus he dies at the end.”
Nor is she gonna give Santana the suspension of disbelief:
Brittany: “I know that you’re not dating Elaine. She told me that you paid her with scratchers tickets and an Ani DiFranco t-shirt to pretend to be her girlfriend. And I also know that you dropped out of school.”
Santana’s like, whatever, I’m just gonna coach the Cheerios, and Brittany is like, you need to be somewhere “that’s as big and as hot as you are.” I don’t know about you, but when I heard ‘big and hot’ I thought about this latte I had once at Not Another Cafe on South University & South Forest in 1994 (across the street from The Village Corner), because it was in an ENORMOUS cup. I could barely handle getting it back to the table! I think they were trying to be like Friends, which was all the rage at the time. Unfortunately Not Another Cafe shut down, as did the next 56 businesses who rented that retail spot. I just google-mapped it and it seems they’ve yet to attract a new tenant. Actually maybe the big cup incident happened at Sweetwaters. It’s so hard to remember these things now that I’m an aging Diva like Taylor Swift.
Regardless, additional Big Hot ideas:
Anyhow, Santana’s not buying it:
Santana: “No, Brittany, you have no idea what it’s like out there in the real world. No one gives a damn about you.”
Brittany: “Rachel found a new guy and I hear Kurt did too. Why shouldn’t you get the chance to be around people who are like you, appreciate you? Be a part of a community? Why can’t you have a real girlfriend? But not a best friend, because that part’s already taken.”
Okay, nothing in the universe feels worse than an ex who’s moved on telling you that you deserve a new girlfriend, too, but Santana hugs her and calls her a genius and they kiss on the lips. Also by “a community” clearly she means The Lesbian Blogging Community, right? Santana just needs to come to A-Camp is all.
Santana then launches into a stunning rendition of Alicia Keys’ “This Girl is On Fire,” a song I really loved until that dickweed Citibank commercial about a guy who pretends like he’s besties with Alicia Keys because he has a special plastic card in his douchewallet that gets him like 1% back on seats in my ass or something.
Santana’s ponytail is bouncing like crazy!
Rapidly, Santana teleports to New York City, where it’s really temperate for January, and gets out someplace that is definitely not Bushwick. I think they did this on a greenscreen.
Then she shows up at the Barbie Bushwick Dream Loft, much to Kurt & Rachel’s surprise! Yup, Santana is ’cause moving to New York City! Thank the gods.
In conclusion, Santana is moving to New York City! Isn’t that fantastic? Also, so far I don’t think any new bodies have been buried in my wall, but the upstairs neighbors have stolen my internet connection and are running around up there like it’s fucking Gymboree. The shit I put up with in this world I swear.
Next week Will and Emma will get married… or will they? Regardless, Santana and Quinn are gonna be knocking boots: