Glee 413 Recap: Diva Cups!

Hello and welcome to the thirteenth recap of the fourth abysmal season of Glee, a comedic romp about what happens when a tight-knit group of musical adolescents eat nothing but Noxzema for an entire year and stop wearing underwear. The weirdest part, to be honest with you, is the Potatonik steering the ship, and the second-weirdest part is all the faces these kids keep making:

Glee 4133

Anyhow, this episode everybody fought over who could wear the most rhinestones and dead animals at the same time. It was called “Diva,” named after, OBVIOUSLY, Diva Cups. I prefer ob tampons, but to each her own. For example, Marley-Kate prefers Tampax Radiant for some reason:

Anyhow, enough about vaginas, it’s time to talk about Glee!

We open in what appears to be an actual classroom at Fake Julliard, wherein Bitchy Gay Boy #1, Bitchy Gay Boy #2, Kurt Hummel and ten or so extras of indiscriminate age are enjoying Free Sing, which’s absolutely nothing like Free Swim, FYI.

it's not like this at all

it’s not like this at all

It’s like this:

it's true, i wore my lucky thong today

it’s true, i wore my lucky thong today

Kurt monologues that since The New Rachel’s triumph at Winter Musical Lalala Singing Lilting Lyrics Showcase Time, her insufferabiltiy level’s been on blast: she hogs the pool during Free Sing, uses all the hot water, clogs the sink with the stringly discards of her Ombre situation and likely commits a dozen other water-related crimes. She probably pees in the ocean, too. That’s what divas do. Divas pee in the ocean.

god damn i love a good roasted chicken sometimes

i cannot believe she peed in the wonton soup again, that diva bitch from hell

Furthermore, says Kurt’s brain, The New Rachel surrounds herself with “sycophants,” aka Bitchy Gay Boy #1 and Bitchy Gay Boy #2, who, by the way, insist Rachel must audition for the Funny Girl revival ’cause she was “born to play Fanny Brice.”

omg this beyonce gif!!!

omg rachel you have to see this beyonce gif!!!

Kurt has a plan:

Kurt: “This Sarah Brightman in training needs to be knocked down a few pegs and I’m the only one who can do it.”

Mhm. You know who else has a plan?

cylons, motherfuckers!

cylons, motherfuckers!

We then adorn ourselves in fluffy snowsuits with generous hoods and sled all the way back to Lima, Ohio, home of the Apollo Career Center, where Emma’s advising Finn that the solution to his “we need a powerhouse like Rachel/Santana/Mercedes to win Regionals” problem is to host an internal Diva-themed competition.

you bet these are dockers, baby

you bet these are dockers, baby

Basically, everybody will have to put a Diva Cup inside them, and whoever fills theirs up the fastest; wins. Just kidding! It’s just gonna be like all the other episodes but at the end somebody will get a prize and it’ll probs seem a tad arbitrary, but we’ll enjoy it just the same!

everybody cheer like he just said 'we're selling taffy!'

everybody cheer like he just said ‘we’re selling taffy!’

Finn announces, using language reminiscent of my Olive Garden Manager Mike’s inspirational speeches about selling Create-a-Sampler Italianos, that “Diva Week is all about finding your inner powerhouse.”

personally, i find my inner powerhouse to be somewhere in my right foot, like maybe between my sock and my shoe

personally, i find my inner powerhouse to be somewhere in my right foot, like maybe between my sock and my shoe

Emma: “Diva. The online Urban Dictionary defines a diva as “a fierce, often temperamental singer who comes correct. She is not a trick-ass ho and she does not sweat the haterz.”
New Puck: “Great, so I guess the guys are screwed this week.”
Blaine: “Um, guys can be divas.”
Emma: “That’s right, we all have inner divas. I myself have been considered quite a diva at many a local restaurant because I know what I want and I will send a dish back.”

Unique suggests her classmates better step off because there’s only two ways to spell Unique, and one of them is “D-I-V-A” which, for the record, definitely does NOT spell “Unique.” There’s only one way to spell Unique. This show is confusing.

and, despite popular opinion, there is actually only one way to spell "riese"

and, despite popular opinion, there is actually only one way to spell “riese”

Also confusing: why is it okay for Tina Cohen-Chang to say “I have more diva in my little finger than you have in your whole angry inch, Wade-Unique”? Here’s the answer: IT’S NOT, which’s why Marley-Kate’s immediate assertion that Tina’s “unchecked” smack-talk is “about to end” is encouraging to us  — is Marley-Kate gonna take a stand against transphobia? Haha just kidding, her smack-talk is about to end because it’s time for a musical number!

iiiiiiii ate all your frosted flakes!!!!

iiiiiiii ate all your frosted flakes!!!!

It’s “Diva” by Beyoncé!

Marley-Kate’s dressed like the lovechild of Phyllis “Pizzazz” Gabor, Jane Fonda and Ziggy Stardust, Blaine’s doing Michael Jackson On Ice and somebody’s draped three dead wolves over Unique’s divalicious shoulders.

this would make a good line of special edition barbie dolls

this would make a good line of special edition barbie dolls

Fake Quinn is like a slutty Queen of the Emerald City and I love it.  Tina and Brittany are practicing to be the cake toppers for Cher and She-Ra’s lesbian wedding.
Glee 413
We then return to The Glee Room…

Emma: “…and that is how I made the manager cry at The Cheesecake Factory. For being a diva.”

Aw. Emma is such a critter.

and that's why i'm the number one critter of the week!

and that’s why i’m the number one critter of the week!

Starsweep over all of the things in the whole world until we arrive at the Barbie Dreamhouse Bushwick Loft, where Kurt’s had just about enough of The New Rachel’s demands for tea with a wee bit of honey. The duo begins squabbling, because it’s the Diva Episode.

Your face smells like peppermint!

Your face smells like peppermint!

Kurt dishes out some real talk about The New Rachel’s attitude, likening it to old-school Lima Rachel, but Rachel’s really in full-throttle-bitch mode today. She reminds Kurt that she got him into Winter Showcase in the first place, and Kurt counters that despite her “win,” HIS performance was the one “everybody” was talking about. And by “everybody” he means tumblr.

oh my god don't you ever say that taylor swift is a feminist again

oh my god don’t you ever say that “heartthrob” is better than “so jealous”

Kurt challenges The New Rachel to a rematch at “Midnight Madness,” which’s clearly not the same situation as the probs delightful Disney movie Midnight Madness, starring Michael J Fox in his first film role. This “Midnight Madness” is a sing-off or something. The New Rachel insists Kurt will lose, just like he lost in Season One.

and i don't care how close we are, don't you ever steal my lube again

and i don’t care how close we are, don’t you ever steal my lube again

Kurt blasts back that the only reason Rachel beat him in Season One’s Diva-Off is ’cause Kurt threw it on purpose, hoping to save his father the humiliation of having to watch his son sing a lady-song or whatever wacky plot situation they pulled off that week. Rachel is “crushed” to hear this, having based her entire ego apparently on that one episode. Weird.

how could you? you said we were going to watch battlestar together, and now you tell me you're already on season two? how could you betray me like this?

how could you? you said we were going to watch battlestar together, from the start, and now you tell me you’re already on season two?

Cut to the hallowed hallways of McKinley High, where X-Tina’s presenting her Gaycrush Blaine with a Winter Cold kit which includes NyQuill, Chinese Chicken Soup and other shit, but probs not porn. Illness kits should ALWAYS include porn, X-Tina.

aw, "the object of my affection"! my favorite film!

aw, “the object of my affection”! my favorite film!

Back in the Glee room, Blaine, dressed like a Village Person, catapults into animated life at the piano for a rousing rendition of Queen’s “Don’t Stop Me Now.”

hey bra, totally gonna see you at the YMCA later amirite

hey bra, totally gonna see you at the YMCA later amirite

Then Finn & Emma open their mouths and words come out, words about DIVAs. More importantly, Finn’s called in a Special Guest Diva — who could it be?

nope, different lesbian

nope, different lesbian

Nope, it’s not Raven-Symone! Also it’s not Celine Dion, FYI. THEN WHO IS IT?

It’s Santana Lopez!

god damn i love this particular brand of leave-in conditioner

god damn i love this particular brand of leave-in conditioner

She’s accompanied by the Yardbirds of Kentucky and will be performing “Nutbush City Limits,” a famous song by Tina Turner and her asshole ex-husband Ike. The cheerleaders make quick movements with their asses, stomachs and groins.

"dress up in your cheerleading outfit and go sing a tina turner song to 10 kids in high school in ohio" is actually a rush activity for kappa kappa gammas this year, apparently

“dress up in your cheerleading outfit and go sing a tina turner song to 10 kids in an ohio high school in” is actually a rush activity for kappa kappa gammas this year, apparently

Reactions are mostly positive.

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At the song’s conclusion, Brittany wants to high-five Santana for “the greatest moment in show business history” and also wants to know why Santana didn’t tell her she was gonna be in town. Santana wants to know why Brittany didn’t tell her that she was dating Sam.

Santana: “I had just left a comment on my favorite Rizzoli & Isles lesbian subtext blog when I heard the news.”

Turns out X-Tina made the call to let Santana know. So now, Santana would like to introduce her girlfriend/backup, Elaine, “and by girlfriend, I mean out and proud, lipstick-loving, AfterEllen-reading girlfriend.” Mmmmhm.

and when me and elaine scissor all night, i wake up with paper cuts

and when me and elaine scissor all night, i wake up with paper cuts

This Lesbian Blogging Community namecheck is likely only the latest in a series of tactical moves administered by Admiral Ryan Murphy and his Show. Yes. They have a plan.

including brad falchuk

If anybody here reading this is under the age of 21, I want you to know that ten years ago, this situation would’ve made Fox lose all its advertisers:

it's cheaper than each of us buying our own tube of chapstick

it’s cheaper than each of us buying our own tube of chapstick

If you’re not already dizzy from all the traveling this episode, you better get your new LA Gears on and run 40 marathons back to Fake Julliard, where Geyerdean’s explaining that Midnight Madness is like Fight Club, except without fighting, which really means it’s nothing like Fight Club at all, but whatever.

Tyler built himself an army. Why was Tyler Durden building an army? To what purpose? For what greater good? In Tyler we trusted.

Tyler built himself an army. Why was Tyler Durden building an army? To what purpose? For what greater good? In Tyler we trusted.

Bitchy Gay Boys #1 and #2 swoop in to be bitchy and gay:

Bitchy Gay Boy #1: “Everyone knows the only reason Hummel got in is because he’s Carmen’s pet turtle-face.”
Bitchy Gay Boy #2: “And signing up for Adam’s Apples? He may as well wear a sign that says, ‘I am a pathetic, please club me to death.”
Rachel: “Kurt earned his place at NYADA, just like you two.”

i mean where are we going in that outfit, on a safari to marc jacobs?

i mean where is he even going in that outfit, on a safari to marc jacobs?

Kurt Hummel, he who Does Not Put Up With Your Bullshit, pops in to stand up for himself, declare he’s dealt with much worse than bitchy gossip and that shit’s gonna go down, Jackie Brown.

Back in Lima, Ohio, Finn’s mourning losing The New Rachel to another man. Apparently she changed her “facebook status” to “shacked up,” which must be a new Graph Search feature. Emma suggests he flirt with the 26-year-old math sub and Finn describes himself as a fingerling potato I MEAN as a “man-child.” Accurate.

i mean, i wouldn't want to date you but i'm sure somebody would?

i mean, i wouldn’t want to date you but i’m sure somebody would?

Ugh you guys, how do you feel about Finn not being annoying anymore? Now he’s just a snoozeberry.

Elsewhere in this fine educational institution, Santana Lopez has lured Sam to the auditorium for a dressing-down. She tells Sam that she’s not jealous, she just thinks Brittany can do better. Obviously she’s lying to herself about that and I think, according to the 2-2-2 rule, that in two months she’ll be like “nah I was totally jealous.”

Santana: “She could’ve dated anyone, boy or girl. But no, she chose you. The one person she knew would send my brain straight to Lima Heights.”

It’s unclear why anybody would fight over Brittany, after her lackluster performance as Girlfriend during Santana Coming Out and Sam Failing the SATs, but whatever. Santana insists the relationship’s got a short shelf life, like tuna salad, and that soon enough Brittany will figure out that he’s boring and his impressions suck.

also we used to date are we not supposed to mention that

also we used to date are we not supposed to mention that

Sam’s like, but then what? Are you gonna get back together with her? And she says she’ll be taking it one episode at a time, just like the writers do.

Santana: “First, I’m gonna cut off the Sam-sized tumor on her heart, and then we can begin the long, slow process of cleaning the stink of your mediocrity off of her.”
Sam: “I’m not letting her go without a fight.”
Santana: “What do you think we’re here for?”

Oh, a moody ballad Fight! Those are the worst kind of fights.

and i love the way she licks my clittttttttttt

and i love the way she licks my clittttttttttt

They sing “Make No Mistake, She’s Mine,” by Kim Carnes & Barbara Streisand. Then the scene is over, and all of us are the same people we’ve always been, and always will be.

X-Tina, still riding out her multi-episode arc as a Lovesick ‘Fag Hag’ Lunatic, is monologuing about Blaine’s pound puppy eyes and how Diva Tina wouldn’t call Mike or be afraid of going after what she wants. Like how the writers are afraid of giving her a storyline that isn’t really stupid.

i'm gonna find that bitch who stole my trapper keeper and fuck up her shit

i’m gonna find that bitch who stole my trapper keeper and fuck up her shit

Anyhow, you know what she should be afraid of, though? Having a crush on a gay guy! Said gay guy tells her how sweet she is, and she’s like:

X-Tina: “I don’t wanna be sweet. I wanna be the girl that kicks in the door and makes demands and gets what she wants. But let’s be honest, no one thinks “diva” and pictures me.”

but tina, a diva is the female version of a hustler

but tina, a diva is the female version of a hustler

Blaine, apparently thinking this is a race issue, points out that there are heaps of “Asian Divas.” He names Lucy Liu, Bai Ling (she’s bisexual sidenote) and B.D. Wong (he’s gay and one of my favorite humans ever, sidenote, BD WONG FOREVER ALL-AMERICAN GIRL FOREVER, L&OSVU FOREVER, OZ FOREVER, FOREVER AND EVER), and concludes that she should come over after school and he’ll find her the right song to bring out her Inna Diva. Too bad they already sang “Diva.” They should do a week where everybody has to sing the same song.

Later that evening at Chez Blaine, X-Tina cuts straight to the chase and asks if he’s ever been with a lady. Nope, says Blaine, just that Rachel Berry kiss, which shouldn’t count.

X-Tina: “We’re young. We still have time to find ourselves.”

i mean, i still haven't found these socks i thought i left at kurt's place that he insists aren't there

i mean, i still haven’t found these socks i thought i left at kurt’s place that he insists aren’t there, so I guess that’s a valid point

Blaine has put together an old-school diva playlist for Tina, apparently Madonna and Cher are old school now, I’m going to choke on my dentures and die. Then Tina tells Blaine she’s falling in love with him!

X-Tina: “Even if we end up having just a sexless relationship, which many Asian girls and gay men do, it’d be worth it.”

like i don't know if you've seen that show will & grace

like i don’t know if you’ve seen that show “will & grace,” but you know we could totes be like that

Unfortch, Blaine’s NyQuil kicked in pre-love-confession, so now he’ll never know that X-Tina wants to crymasturbate forever and ever in exchange for his hand in marriage. Then Tina rubs Vabo Rub on Blaine’s chest like a total creeper, while crying, and it’s just overall really embarrassing and disturbing for everybody so let’s move forward.

this isn't weird at all

this isn’t weird at all

Just FTR if Finn was rubbing Vabo-Rub on Santana’s breasts while she slept because he wanted her to be straight and have sex with him, I would probably fly to Ryan Murphy’s house and throw eggs at his window for ~3-4 hours. I just wanted to um, throw that out there.

At Midnight Madness, a gaggle of well-behaved nicely-dressed extras sit cross-legged on the floor while Geyerdean explains the rules, which include multiple references to the allegedly savage nature of this event.

this must be project mayhem

this must be project mayhem

He actually calls it a “bloodbath.” Reader: this little event is not a bloodbath. THIS is a bloodbath:

you next, rachel?

you next, rachel?

This is just Rachel Berry and Kurt Hummel performing “Bring Him Home” from the lengthy musical Les Miserables. 

Fuck damnation, man! Fuck redemption! We are God's unwanted children? So be it!

Fuck damnation, man! Fuck redemption! We are God’s unwanted children? So be it!

lesbians love rachel berry

lesbians love rachel berry

 You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.

You’re the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world!

gay boys love kurt hummel

gay boys love kurt hummel

Kurt wins! Because of the patriarchy, obviously.

Cut back to Lima, Ohio for some more fan nods –

Sue Sylvester: “What is with you Glee Club ex-pats? Don’t any of you have jobs? You have to have some source of income so you can pay the staff of scientists who service your teleporters that you all clearly own, since you’re constantly showing up here.”

so you prefer crash pad series, do you?

so you prefer crash pad series, do you?

Santana doesn’t address the intriguing teleportation storyline and instead insists she’s got a light schedule this semester, but Sue calls her bluff: the cheerleading coach has already informed Sue that Santana dropped out of school. Santana obvs was too hot for Kentucky:

Santana: “Everyone thought I was being a bitch when all I was doing was being brutally honest with people.”

Sue suggests Santana takes over the Cheerios, and we all cross our fingers and toes that such a thing will never happen, because apparently there aren’t any more lesbians at McKinley and we want Santana to get laid.

does this mean you don't think i should be a greeter at abercrombie & fitch?

does this mean you don’t think i should be a greeter at abercrombie & fitch?

Back in the Hallowed Hallways of McKinley High, X-Tina’s upset at Blaine for being gay so she’s gonna yell at him about how she makes him soup and he should um, uhh, I don’t know.

X-Tina: “I give you all of my heart, gladly, and I love hanging out with you Blaine, and I love — it’s sad because you don’t see that it’s me that gives you that support—”

i'm a hustler baby, i want you to know

i’m a hustler baby, i want you to know

This unfortunately goes on for another unbearable minute before we break into “Hung Up,” by Madonna, a song which reminds me of when we were re-painting our Sparlem apartment to avoid crazy landlord security-deposit-deductions and I had my little pump-up mix on and Matty complained that the lyrics of this song were accurate because whenever it came on, he hated it so much that time really did seem to slow down. Anyhoo!

Glee 4132

It’s a hot number and Tina looks fucking awesome in her pink leotard situation. Some straight guy should WeVibe the hell out of that unit.

Back in the haughty hallways of Fake Julliard, Kurt’s feeling guilty about winning and Adam Apple’s trying to calm his guilt when the Bitchy Gay Boys show up to sycophant all over Kurt’s tiny butt, suggesting he accompany them to the Funny Girl open call followed by rush tickets to Mama Mia. Kurt’s like, are you fucking kidding me? Mama Fucking Mia? Actually no he’s like:

Kurt: “I don’t think so. I think you both are shallow and obnoxious. And I think the only reason you run around kissing everyone’s ass is because you know you’ll never make it on your own. And one more thing – if you say one more nasty thing about Adam’s Apples, I will challenge you to the next Midnight Madness. And we all know how that ends.”

ummm this is the tight shirt club and you guys are not invited

ummm this is the tight shirt club and you guys are not invited

Downstream, Rachel looks forlornly at the bullentin board. She’s devastated by her loss and isn’t interested in Funny Girl auditions or something.

We then put on our backpacks and hiking boots and stuff some trail mix in our buttholes and rush back to Lima, Ohio, to see who won the Diva Contest. I believe Blaine and Tina were the only members of Glee who actually did the assignment so anyway TINA WINS!

omg this is my favorite color of glee celebration confetti how did you know

omg this is my favorite color of glee celebration confetti how did you know

Yay Tina!

except scattergories, sometimes

except scattergories, sometimes

yay! autostraddle was nominated for a glaad award!

yay! autostraddle was nominated for a glaad award!

Out in the hallway, Blaine gives X-Tina some flowers and says he’s been waiting for everybody to notice X-Tina’s divaliciousness.

the rose of my heart's desire...

the rose of my heart’s desire…

Blaine says X-Tina’s his bestie best friend forever and he loves her soo soooo sooo much and will she be his date for Mr. Shue’s wedding? X-Tina’s vagina explodes and she says yes and gets all the wrong ideas. As Kurt would say, “and we all know how that ends.”

Back at the Barbie Dreamhouse Bushwick Loft, The New Rachel’s feeling sorry for herself and refusing to audition to play Fanny Brice, which we’re reminded for the fifth time is “the role she was born to play,” and says she can’t handle the pressure of show business without turning into a bitch, and Kurt’s like, well, too late. But we’re dealing with it.

i just can't believe lady sybil is gone. just gone forever. like a passing ship in the night full of snow.

i just can’t believe lady sybil is gone. just gone forever. like a passing ship in the night full of snow.

Kurt: “You are a diva, and you have been a nightmare, but you’re not a diva because you’ve been a nightmare. You’re a diva because you’re talented and ambitious and because no one else in the world can do what you, Rachel Berry, can do… so hold the nightmare, but bring the diva.”

Then they hug and say they love each other. The most important takeaway from this scene is that they’re def gonna audition for Funny Girl, so don’t worry.

ok now i need you to just free your mind of all distractions and imagine a warm soft light

ok now i need you to just free your mind of all distractions and imagine a warm soft light

Back in Lima, Emma is still totally freaking out about the wedding and her giant checklist and if the flowers will be right because this is all so hard with Will being gone. Finn helps a little bit and then somehow ends up kissing her?

just gimme your gumball, woman, i just want that motherfucking gumball

just gimme your gumball, woman, i just want that motherfucking gumball

I think this happened so that the wedding can become a big catastrophe next week and Finn can give another teary speech about his faltering self-confidence and not feeling like he fits in anywhere because he’s trapped between childhood and adulthood, and he kissed Emma because he wanted to feel like he mattered for once and bla bla bla NEXT!

oh my god i just made out with a 6'4 tater tot

oh my god i just made out with a 6’4 tater tot

Starsweep down the hallways with the fury of a thousand suns, to where Brittany and Santana are meeting up to have lesbian sex. Just kidding, I got this show confused with my dreams for this show.

i swear to god i washed the dildo before giving it back to you!

i swear to god i washed the dildo before giving it back to you!

Anyhow, Brit-Brit’s not gonna give Sam the axe:

Brittany: “I’m not breaking up with Sam. I really like him. He makes me feel really smart and think about things like where air comes from and how come in every movie about Jesus he dies at the end.”

Nor is she gonna give Santana the suspension of disbelief:

Brittany: “I know that you’re not dating Elaine. She told me that you paid her with scratchers tickets and an Ani DiFranco t-shirt to pretend to be her girlfriend. And I also know that you dropped out of school.”

Santana’s like, whatever, I’m just gonna coach the Cheerios, and Brittany is like, you need to be somewhere “that’s as big and as hot as you are.” I don’t know about you, but when I heard ‘big and hot’ I thought about this latte I had once at Not Another Cafe on South University & South Forest in 1994 (across the street from The Village Corner), because it was in an ENORMOUS cup. I could barely handle getting it back to the table! I think they were trying to be like Friends, which was all the rage at the time. Unfortunately Not Another Cafe shut down, as did the next 56 businesses who rented that retail spot. I just google-mapped it and it seems they’ve yet to attract a new tenant. Actually maybe the big cup incident happened at Sweetwaters. It’s so hard to remember these things now that I’m an aging Diva like Taylor Swift.

Regardless, additional Big Hot ideas:


idk who is bigger and hotter, me or this volcano

fuck it's big and hot out here in the sahara

fuck it’s big and hot out here in the sahara

mmm that is some big hot soup

mmm that is some big hot soup

Anyhow, Santana’s not buying it:

Santana: “No, Brittany, you have no idea what it’s like out there in the real world. No one gives a damn about you.”
Brittany: “Rachel found a new guy and I hear Kurt did too. Why shouldn’t you get the chance to be around people who are like you, appreciate you? Be a part of a community? Why can’t you have a real girlfriend? But not a best friend, because that part’s already taken.”

Okay, nothing in the universe feels worse than an ex who’s moved on telling you that you deserve a new girlfriend, too, but Santana hugs her and calls her a genius and they kiss on the lips. Also by “a community” clearly she means The Lesbian Blogging Community, right? Santana just needs to come to A-Camp is all.

hard to tell the difference between this kiss and the we're-together-kiss on this show

hard to tell the difference between this kiss and the we’re-together-kiss on this show

Santana then launches into a stunning rendition of Alicia Keys’ “This Girl is On Fire,” a song I really loved until that dickweed Citibank commercial about a guy who pretends like he’s besties with Alicia Keys because he has a special plastic card in his douchewallet that gets him like 1% back on seats in my ass or something.

i am soooo bigggg and hottttttttt

i am soooo bigggg and hottttttttt

Santana’s ponytail is bouncing like crazy!

Rapidly, Santana teleports to New York City, where it’s really temperate for January, and gets out someplace that is definitely not Bushwick.  I think they did this on a greenscreen.

shout out to the imperial palace

shout out to the imperial palace

Then she shows up at the Barbie Bushwick Dream Loft, much to Kurt & Rachel’s surprise! Yup, Santana is ’cause moving to New York City! Thank the gods.

and i will be leaving my hair in your drain. you can count on that.

and i will be leaving alllll my hair in your drain. you can count on that.

In conclusion, Santana is moving to New York City! Isn’t that fantastic? Also, so far I don’t think any new bodies have been buried in my wall, but the upstairs neighbors have stolen my internet connection and are running around up there like it’s fucking Gymboree. The shit I put up with in this world I swear.

Next week Will and Emma will get married… or will they? Regardless, Santana and Quinn are gonna be knocking boots:


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Riese is the 40-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in California. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3035 articles for us.


  1. FINALLY. Riese, THANK YOU for mentioning the totally inappropriate “angry inch” comment. When I heard that I literally gasped out loud. Like, WTF? Not okay. Not okay in so many ways. Unfortunately, I haven’t seen the issue brought up anywhere else, which is really sad. I get that the whole LBC is excited about Santana being in NYC and name checking AE and kissing Brittany, but still.

    The Brittany/Santana stuff in this episode was awesome, but it was still an episode of Glee, which means it was still ultra insensitive, disrespectful, and full-on awful. With Tina’s transphobic “angry inch” comment, Tina full-on sexually assaulting Blaine while he was sleeping, Finn kissing Emma, and the utter unbelievability that Santana would have to resort to paying someone to be her girlfriend, this episode was in many ways just as bad as all the others.

    The more things change, the more they stay the same.

    • i think ryan murphy posted the video of the ‘Diva’ performance like ten days ago, and by the time I saw it, it had already been up for two days, and when Tina said that I was like OH MY FUCKING G-D ARE YOU SERIOUS? and thought, wow i bet everybody’s really upset about this but uh, no, not so much. They’ve made a lot of transphobic comments, pretty much at least once an episode, but I feel like this is pretty next level. Even the way she said “WADE/UNIQUE” made my skin crawl. It’s just really problematic on a show about accepting everybody, that nobody calls it out. They don’t even have Unique look sad, or angry, in the way Kurt or Santana were when they were bullied. But I also don’t think the situations are even comparable, as maybe 50% of schools are now comfortable for gay students and maybe 1% are comfortable for trans* students, so they really need to go above and beyond with this issue. And if anything, they’ve just been experimenting with how low they can go.

      • Ryan Murphy is a professional troll. End of story on that.

        But I do think it’s worth calling out these bullshit transphobic comments, and the ridiculous sexism, and seeming disdain for the lesbian community in general – not to attack Ryan Murphy (professional trolls just get off on that), but to name the bigotry, educate people about it, and hopefully change things for the better. Get everyone to demand better.

        So yeah, thanks, Riese.

      • I mean, you could accuse the show of being accurate in terms of those percentages. There are a LOT of schools where homophobia is not tolerated, but transphobia is a-OK because people don’t know what it is and only see trans* people in Dateline specials about “my husband turned into my wife!” or whatever. That’s how it was in my high school; homophobia wasn’t tolerated and it never got worse than a few dumb boys no one took seriously slinging around “fag,” but the trans* kids there were treated like crap. And those same dumb boys took it a lot further with their transphobic shit, because they thought they could get away with it.

  2. That angry inch comment! Ugh!! When I heard it, I thought about all those times I was a kid watching Bugs Bunny cartoons and Bugs would make these jokes that would go over my head. I wondered how many people actually caught how insulting that was. And then Marley says “No more-” and I was so relieved because surely this would be one of the more sensitive episodes, right? “trash-talking.” Oh. Great. Thanks for addressing that trans-bashing comment, everyone.

    I hope Tina is later given a GSA intervention or something. Something has to happen here to exorcise the demon of bad!touch possessing Tina right now. She’s just flouncing through the story line like a pamphlet on “what NOT to do to your queer friends” or “How to be a bad ally”— working title.

  3. I have not forgotton who the enemy is.
    I’m not mad at the name checking but I know they are plotting to win the “community” back or something.

    “If anybody here reading this is under the age of 21, I want you to know that ten years ago, this situation would’ve made Fox lose all its advertisers”
    Yeah look how far we have come! I never saw stuff like this in high school. It would have helped.

    Glad to see Santana in NYC. Now I can look forward to more eps. Kind of.

    Oh and thanks for getting this recap up this quickly. I always enjoy knowing someone else has the same feelings about this…. show.

  4. So I’m guessing that Santana enrolls in Fake Juilliard, too, because mid-year, mid-semester enrollments are totally things that real music schools do (spoiler: they don’t, because they have to keep up numbers for studios and ensembles, sometimes they won’t even let you take a year off without making you re-audition, or at least that’s how my undergrad was).

    Also, real music schools totally don’t settle diva wars with an actual sing-off. People do enough practicing for school and competitions and such, they don’t want extra work. Instead they just do what all the voice majors did at my school during my sophomore year, which is use a student-run “classroom feedback blog” to bitch out the soprano who got the role they all wanted.

    • their school is so weird, i think they are musical theater majors but have yet to take like, an acting class? or have a scene partner? situations that offer a lot more opportunities for conflict and making friends and shit than the weird convoluted situations they’ve presented thus far. but of course, it’s not like their high school made any sense either

      • Yeah I think this is like Glee Club: The College or whatever, it’s supposed to be what Glee fans want to think music/theatre school is like. “We solve disputes by singing because everyone is a singer and love singing all the time!” Except that if you even take a second to think about it, it doesn’t make sense: when you’re music school, you already sing in so many of your classes and lessons and practice, the last thing you want to do is do more of that on your time off.

  5. Riese, I must say, this is one of the funniest recaps ever! Thank you! I’ve stopped watching this show, but go to youtube to check out the performances (and ONLY when it involves Santana Lopez and her hotness), but I think I died laughing, from the “taking it one episode at a time, just like the writers do”, the “we used to date” part that they’ve conveniently forgotten about, Brittany being a bad girlfriend to both of them (yes!), hard to tell the difference between the best friend kiss and the girlfriend kisses and the patriarchy!hahaha! Also, yes, why are they fighting over Brittany again? I don’t understand the appeal at all – and also, apparently it’s become Santana’s M.O. to kind of break people up, going all the way to Season 1 when she got pissed off at Puck dating Mercedes, Puck dating Lauren, then she tried to break up Sam and Quinn, etc. The name-checking Afterellen was weird but whatever. I find it funny they only namechecked Ani DiFranco (clearly this was written by a man, it’s Tegan and Sara and Indigo Girls and Lilith Fair, Brad! And some of us lesbians go on autostraddle too, not just afterellen!haha!). The choking on your dentures was so funny!

    But Santana’s in New York and shacking up with Rachel and Kurt – how awesome is that?!? ;)

    But most of all, I love that you included the Battlestar Galactica reference!ahahhaha! Brad Falchuk is a cylon and he has a plan!hahaha! Right on!

    Anyway, this comment’s become long. But just wanted to say thank you for this recap. It made my day.

  6. Oh, and before I forget…


    That is awesome! ;)

    And also well-deserved!

    The stuff I’ve read here is more awesome than that other website (where I go to read Glee recaps ONLY).

  7. Oh my GOD, the BSG references in this recap are just superb.

    When Santana made that comment about R&I my dad and I had a huge argument–he said it’s “just a good cop show” and I told him he clearly doesn’t understand the term “lesbian subtext” at all.

  8. The Madonna song Tina sings is actually called Hung Up. And I’m upset Glee is recycling their straightgirllovinggayboy storyline from the first season, when Mercedes was into Kurt. But then again, what hasnt Glee re-recycled and butchered since it stopped being good after season 2..

  9. Incendiary confession alert: I’m finding it hard to get aggravated by Glee’s persistent AfterEllen reader-baiting, because I feel like a community that votes Elena Undone as the 4th best lesbian movie ever probably does deserve some amount of ridicule.

      • God, yes!

        They were like…afterellen has arrived, no Glee has arrived, and I’m like…a few eps ago, they just did that dig about LBC and we forget how awful the handling of lesbian stuff are in this show?!?


        I can’t even…

        I didn’t find it a good thing AT ALL. And namechecking afterellen to show that you’re with it and you’re cool and you’re sorry for all the mishandling of the lesbian stuff on the show DOES NOT AN APOLOGY MAKE.

        Just sayin.

        • I think that the AE mention could have even been sarcastic. Definitely not a wink and a nod to the lesbian viewership and not a sign that they respect us or that they are sorry. Maybe I’m too cynical but considering Ryan’s history I think it’s unlikely that the mention was “sort of” an apology.

  10. THANK YOU for mentioning how creepy the VapoRub scene was.

    And the angry inch situation…I’m gonna go start some Twitter outrage on that, because that was UNACCEPTABLE. How many rounds of editing do TV scripts go through and NOBODY was alarmed by that line??

  11. I stopped watching Glee after the second season, but I still read the AS recaps. I’m a biracial trans woman– I am honestly just so sick of transphobia in the “lgbt” (yes, those are scare quotes) community. If Glee is so concerned with spreading an “it gets better” message to those queer kids currently being bullied to death in high school, perhaps it could, you know, stop actively participating in said bullying? Because this “angry inch” humor is the type of thinking that gets trans people beat up in bathrooms.

    Transphobia anywhere is terrible, but you’d think fellow queer people would get it and stop being so horrible to trans people. But Glee has been doing transphobic (and sexist, racist, ABLEIST) humor since day one, so I don’t know why I’m surprised or upset. I guess the part I hate the most is that Glee is touted as being this big lgbt-friendly beacon of inclusivity spilling love and rainbows on everybody that watches, but really, it’s just more of the same, but with shitty pop songs to distract people from all the bad writing and oppression. It sucks because there are so many GREAT tv shows that get cancelled prematurely, and somehow Glee is still on, and people are still watching it, and it’s making tons of money, in spite of how terrible it is. And I hate to rag on anything with queer characters or actors, because I am generally a happy smiley kumbaya type of person, but hey, they started it. And I am so so sick of trans people getting treated like crap by people who should know better.

    Quasi- related: I discovered the other day that Roland Barthes, an *amazing* French semiotician and literary critic, was gay. If he was still alive, and inclined to waste his time watching dross like Glee, I am convinced that he’d write an essay tearing it to SHREDS.

  12. Yeah, if Santana wants a girlfriend, she better get the hell out of Louisville. My exte dive research has proven that it is too devoid of single young queer ladies and too close to my mother to be of any use.

    Also, thanks for reminding me that Lady Sybil is dead. I’ll just be over here weeping and gnashing teeth.

  13. I love/hate this show but I just love these recaps. Comedy gold.

    Except for the few aforementioned cringe-worthy moments, I enjoyed this episode. Okay, who am I kidding, I loved all the Santana of it. And the Brittany/Santana scene. And I am never ever getting over the fact that Santana is in NYC and living with Rachel. It’s like all of my fanfic-induced dreams come true.

    And next week we are getting something between Santana/Quinn and I just don’t know any more. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SHIP? This is a legitimate problem.

  14. I’m glad Santana is moving to NYC. So now she can get some action.

    And I think my theory about the reason the Santana/Brittany relationship not maturing being due to Heather Morris’ comfort with the story line seems to make sense.

    We all know if any one is ready and willing to live her Sapphic fantasies on camera, it’s Dianna Agron. Her and Santana’s little moment will be fun to watch.

    Yay Santana!!!!!!!!!

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