FRIDAY OPEN THREAD: Impossible Things

Hello, lovables! Welcome to the Friday Open Thread where you can celebrate how festive the holidays make the world or you can Grinch it up or anything in between! Not judging here, you do you cause we love you anyways!

Friends, I turned twenty-four this week, which I know in many circles makes me a baby, but when I’m in this circle by myself, I’m just like how do I not have my shit together yet? Six-year-old me would be so disappointed, I was supposed to be interviewed by Oprah for at least two books and be super rich and living happily with my family at least two miles away from me, close enough that I can walk to them but far enough that I can also not do that.

But, here I am, super not doing those things and they are even less attainable than before. And you know what I do in response: do even more imposisible things!

I recently saw the MFA program for Randolph College and you know those dream teams you had when you played basketball against your dad on Playstation 2 and you got real hyped every time Jordan and Johnson were on the same team and you could play them and you knew it didn’t matter if you won or not because you had THE FUCKING DREAM TEAM so you won either way??? That’s how I’m feeling about this program and I’m applying even though there feels like there is no hope of me getting in, I’m still like, more impossible things have happened, why can’t I add more to my list?

Tell me fam:

What impossible thing are you doing? What impossible things have you done? What are you adding to your list?

If you’re not feeling that, that’s cool too! I wanna hear about your week about your life, how’re the holidays treating you? How are the regular days, if you don’t celebrate? How are you?? (I started with three question marks but dialed it back to two so you wouldn’t feel overwhlemed, but could still feel my genuine curiosity and excitement).


How To Post A Photo In The Comments:

Find a photo on the web, right click (on a Mac, control+click), hit “Copy Image URL” and then…
code it in to your comment like so:

If you need to upload the photo you love from your computer, try using imgur. To learn more about posting photos, check out A. E.’s step-by-step guide.

How To Post A Video In The Comments, Too:

Find a video on YouTube, copy the URL, and paste the link on its own separate line in your comment. You no longer need to use the “embed” code!

Alexis Smithers (Lex Lee) is a black nonbinary person creating on the East Coast. They've volunteered for Winter Tangerine and currently are a Web Development Student at Bloc. A 2015 Pink Door Fellow & 2016 Lambda Literary Emerging Writer, you can find more of their work on their website and listen to them scream about poetry & other interests on Twitter.

Alexis has written 21 articles for us.

89 Comments

  1. Hi friends! Partly as a holiday gift for all of y’all, I have been composing this operatic five-act musical miniseries, mainly about Americans in and around 2017, composed mainly of cinematic music videos released by Americans in and around 2017. It isn’t 100% finished yet, but I should have the rest queued up before you could possibly get to it!

    CONTENT WARNING: Lots of explicit and emotionally-charged content. I’d list categories, but it’s about America around 2017, so… well, just be ready.

    For the best experience, turn down the lights, wear headphones, and watch each act (ending in fifteen seconds of silence) without pausing. If you have time, it is made to be marathoned; the total runtime is meant to be on par with a season of a TV drama.

    It should hopefully be obvious that neither I nor the artists I’ve included endorse all of the content, artists, actions, views, etc. that appear here. Part of my intent is to provide a hopeful frame for some of the ideas, trends, and questions depicted, without trying to ignore or water down the very real problems. Also, please note that while in some cases I have included works based on my understanding of the artists’ lives and contexts, I am not attempting to represent or comment on the artists themselves or their intents, and in many cases I have taken significant artistic liberties.

    I hope you get as much out of watching it as I have gotten out of making it 🙂

    • Well, I know what I’m looking forward to this weekend! Can we talk about how cool you are for “I’ve been composing this operatic five-act musical” as if those aren’t some of the most amazing words to be written/spoken and you’re just sharing them like, hey guys, “I know I’m one of the coolest people you’ll ever meet but let’s chill about the exciting news I’m about to give you, for a moment okay?” Thank you for sharing!!

      • Hahaha, well thank you Alexis, yes we can, I’m not the kind of woman that turns down praise (or at least I’m trying not to be) 😛

        Really though, I’m just happy to be able to share this with y’all. I put together “I Am Liberty: A Nation in Transition” (yes, it is very queer… as if that was a question lol) over the last couple of weeks, after I read here that Teddy Geiger had publicized that she was transitioning. The song of hers that I remembered first was “Happier?”, which isn’t her most well-known work by far (the main video for it on YouTube just crossed 30,000 views, compared to others in the millions), but it had stuck in my head a few years ago as I was struggling to work up the courage to start my own transition. Obviously I’m not alone in this, but I often turn to music to help me get through things, so I had been looking around for some kind of musical support that might be relevant to my situation. I even searched around for playlists and mixes, but I was having trouble finding much that was directly relevant, so I took to looking out for any kind of vague representation that I could project onto.

        So after I randomly heard “Happier?”, I didn’t hesitate to look it up on YouTube to save it and watch the video. (I say randomly, but several internet companies’ algorithms had me figured out before I had told anyone, even Google. It was… spooky.) It was obviously a beautiful, vulnerable video no matter what the interpretation, but there’s this moment right around 2:30, during the third verse, after the lines “Can’t change the ways we’ve tried / There’s a chance to make it right”, as Teddy completes it with “Live tonight”, where she leans into a shadow and makes this really unforgettable expression that I don’t have an adequate word for and that I’ve rewatched an embarrassing number of times. You really shouldn’t read too much into something like that, but when I saw it I could not but help but see myself in her, especially after I looked up some of her live performances of the song to see if she made the same expression, but found that—just as I would’ve, in her shoes—she had substituted in what I presumed to be less painful lyrics.

        Then, towards the end of this year, I had vaguely thinking about putting together some videos I’d been saving from YouTube’s “New Music This Week” playlist, based on this pattern that was dimly flickering in the back of my head, when I read about Teddy’s transition and remembered “Happier?”. At that point, something just clicked, and working mostly on intuition, I spent that whole day composing a story out of “Happier?” and “These Walls”, along with the new music I had saved. I’ve spent the last couple of weeks fleshing it out and revising it, and I literally just finished it, although I may still edit it a little, about an hour ago. (Using other peoples’ videos to compose something is really time-consuming!)

        The result isn’t just for me or Teddy or people like us, although it is exactly the kind of thing I would’ve loved to have found when I was searching for some music to help me start my transition. It isn’t really even only about America or for Americans, although in a sense, it is a zeitgeist of a certain part of America, and a letter of appreciation, and an acknowledgement, and a chorus of solidarity, and… well, a lot of things. Really though, this is for anyone out there who is facing overwhelming situations and uncertain odds, in need of a little camaraderie and love—and at the end of 2017, that is to say, everyone.

        Now that this is done, I’m excited to relax for the weekend, give it one last watch-through, then spend some time relaxedly celebrating the holidays with my partner, who has been more than patient with me as I’ve neglected things like thought-out meals and the laundry in order to get this music out of my head. And, to be completely honest, while I’ve been dealing with mental health issues for the last year or so through a perfect storm of deaths, missed events, bureaucratic nightmares, relationship turmoil, major life changes, etc. etc., on top of my usual background issues, and the social/political everything, and holy crap this has been a ridiculous year… few years… life…

        Anyways, if you’re reading this my love, thank you so so much, you have no idea how proud of you and impressed by you I am!!! I love you so much!!!

        I really love the prompt today, and I started to write about some of the impossible things I’m trying to do, but I’m realizing I may have a bit of a preference for impossible things and I don’t want to dump a twelve-page journal entry at the top of the comment section 😛 Also now that I’ve gotten this out of my system I’m tired AF, so it’ll have to wait till another time.

        Thanks for reading, and watching if you get a chance 🙂

  2. Hi everyone and hi Alexis! I’m having a great day today — yesterday was my birthday and I turned 29, and while I totally relate to being like “wow wtf I thought I would have a lot more figured out and set in place by now” I am also giving myself space to feel proud of what I have accomplished. I’m living my life and I’m writing and I’m loving and most days I manage to feel happy about a thing or two, and that’s pretty fucking incredible, right?!?

    I can worry about owning a house and getting married and having a baby when I turn 30. 😉 (I’m sort of kidding and sort of not kidding but either way I’ve got 365 days to decide how kidding I am, ha!)

    Anyway yeah, yesterday was my birthday and I spent the whole day wearing a sparkly tiara and purple lipstick, because I am who I am. I got a massage, went soaking with some queer babes (while wearing my tiara and bold lip, obv), and ate tacos and sushi. One of my best friends painted my nails sparkly pink at a bar, I drank a hot toddy, and I had birthday sex. My girlfriend got us tickets to the Portland production of Hamilton (!!!!!!), my mom bought me Hillary’s book, my housemate got me Diet Coke and English breakfast tea (two of my fave things!), and my friends gifted me a millennial pink cropped sweatshirt that says WHAT’S THE GOSSIP. I’ve honestly never felt so seen in my life.

    Anyway now it’s the day after my birthday and life’s back to usual: editing AS posts (thank you Alexis for putting together this perfect open thread!), nannying, and physical therapy are all on my to do list for today. Oh, and wrapping Christmas gifts and making Christmas cookies and cleaning my room.

    That’s my impossible goal of the day: cleaning my damn room. I moved in seven weeks ago and I still haven’t unpacked the box that contains my pillow cases. MAYBE TODAY WILL BE THE DAY I FIND THEM.

    Anyway! Thanks for letting me ramble while the kiddo I’m watching today naps. I love you all a lot a lot.

    PS: HAPPY BIRTHDAY WEEK ALEXIS!!!!!!!!!! #birthdayweektwins

  3. My impossible thing this afternoon is remaining calm, cheerful and stress-free despite being surrounded by 11 holiday-hyper toddlers and a grumpy as fuck co-teacher. So far, I am killing it!

    This is my last day before a whole week off, and my roomie and I are skipping Christmas altogether to fly to Denver and spend the holiday in a dispensary. So I’m pretty excited about that.

  4. hi cats and kittens and gorgeous loaves of bread and spiralized squashes (if that’s your thing)! As Faith would say, ’tis the season (or whatever that means), so I wanted to say hellllo and give so much thanks for this community!

    You all are beautiful and amazing and perfect, and you all have healed me a million times over just by existing — here and at camp too.

    I’m an atheist, but the holidays are important to me because I think of it as a time when we’re all trying really hard to love each other and show that love, even though the winter is dark and the green of spring (or just a Target without lines to the back of the store) feels beyond our reach some days.

    Sending all of the consensual internet hugs to everyone who wants or needs them, and all of my gratitude, always, for this whole entire community. <3

    • OH WHOOPS I IGNORED THE WRITING PROMPT AND I MEANT TO SAY:

      The impossible thing is you all, because when I was twenty, I thought I’d never be able to come out, or talk to another queer person without tripping over my words and blushing, or date who I wanted to date, or fall in love with the people I knew I needed in my life, and then somehow this miracle occurred, and I got to fall in love with all of you. (And some rad partners, here and there, of course). I am living my impossible thing, and I am so grateful, and now I will wrap this up so you all don’t think I’m on cold medicine or something. <3

      • Hi both your comments got me tearing up and “I am living my impossible thing, and I am so grateful” IS SO WONDERFUL IM SO HAPPY YOURE HERE AND SO HAPPY FOR YOU AND THANK YOU FOR SHARING I’m stopping with the all caps so once again, you don’t feel overwhelmed by my genuine excitement <3 <3 <3

  5. Happy birthday week, Alexis, and best of luck with your MFA application! You’ve got this!!

    This week (a year after coming out, and after months of talking about a new hairstyle) I finally got my Big Queer Haircut. I asked my stylist to make me look as gay as possible, and she chopped most of my hair off and gave me this cool asymmetrical half-bob (?). I like it! I got to buy pomade for the first time! I want 2018 to be the year I become OK with embracing my futch-ness, and this haircut is a big step in that direction.

    Tomorrow I head out to a family reunion. This will be my first time seeing most everyone since coming out. My mom knows I’m out but she might lose her mind over my haircut, eek. I have a big South-American Catholic family and I’m the only (out) queer person, but most folks are pretty progressive, so I hope things go OK? Wish me luck!

    Happy holidays to everyone! I hope you all get to spend the rest of the year with the people you love. <3

  6. One impossible thing I am doing today is buying a scale. Like for a human and not weed or food? I have been told I really need to lose weight and I guess this is a good place to start. But I REALLY NEVER EVER EVER thought this day would come as I have always tried to be of the camp “I am beautiful no matter what size etc.” but I need a kick in the pants about getting healthy so here we are! Good news I guess although AH SCARY.

    • I hear ya Bea, I hear ya.

      I lost some weight for my heart, basically ; it was giving me hints about feeling a bit overwhelmed by all the work it had to do. I’m taking baby steps to change my habits and I making the hell sure my inner bratty child doesn’t catch on to what’s happening. So far so good ! I’m consulting a nutritionist to do it sensibly. I’ve discovered new foods and new ways to move around. My fave discovery is Bixi, our local bike-sharing service. What an absolute blast ! If you have access to something like that I highly recommend it. My second fave discovery is Veganism.

      I tried gamifying the process with apps and stuff, but ultimately that doesn’t work for me, too fussy to record everything ! I just respect a few guidelines and mostly remind myself that I’m not starving and to just chill. As always, YMMV, but honestly, I think you have started a very fun and interesting journey.

      Here’s to a Great Beginning !

    • I bought myself a scale in between Christmas and the New Year last year, because I just felt too heavy and cumbersome, and resolved to lose two pounds every month, which pretty much worked out, more or less.
      I had so many unhealthy habits and wanting to slowly, carefully, lose some weight actually made me look at what I eat and drink, and especially the why of it.
      Turns out I was just tired all the damn time and was jacking and jerking myself through life with copious amounts of caffeine in every incarnation possible.
      Like Adèle said, it’s totally a journey.
      Hopefully one that involves a lot of self care and brings you a lot of joy!

    • Yeah! I lost 60# last year in a body positive way, I like to think at least. A scale is not a bad thing. Good luck! I feel way more strong and agile now and can enjoy my favorite sports more. It was totally worth the trouble.

  7. Hi friends! Happy Friday! I have off all week next week and don’t know what I’m going to do with myself. I’m going on another maybe-date on Sunday (same woman as last week – I still don’t know if it’s a date!). How do you know if it’s a date or not? I’m so bad at dating.

    Okay, so impossible things. Nearly 11 years ago, I left my house for the first time in 6 months, having overcome my housebound agoraphobia. So that’s pretty cool. January 9th will be the 11th anniversary – I call it Life Day.

    I ate too much Thai food for lunch and am now a sleepy puppy. I want to fall asleep at my desk. 1 hour, 46 minutes until my staycation!

    • Life Day, oh that’s perfect! Happy almost anniversary!!

      The date thing is definitely something I can’t help with, I go the blunt route (“Hey, that’s really nice [what you just said], also is this a date?”), and that’s not everyone’s cup of tea haha
      but yayy to a maybe date!!

      I hope you have a great week off 🙂

  8. SO RELEVANT! Impossible thing number one is working with 7 other people to raise $200,000 in the next few months to get to poor and poc-led activist groups by June: http://fundingqueerly.net/. I took one step on Wed even after 3 long days at work and taking a nap at 7:00 pm only to wake up at 8:00pm for a Very Important Phone Call and hey it was a good step and I just gotta keep taking the steps. Plus cool we are doing the steps as a group of very nice and very queer people!

    The other impossible thing is helping the worker co-op I’m in get ourselves more sustainable so we don’t have emergencies every few weeks. As I type that, I realize every few weeks might sound luxurious, so ya know, I guess we’re also doing okay but I want us to be more solid before we burn ourselves out so we can do our dreams.

    Thanks to Autostraddle, esp the AM/PM series, for helping me get to a point where I can take one step at at a time.

    • Oh I love that, taking one step at a time, I gotta remember that more.

      Wow, you all help a lot of people, do you social media sites I can boost? This is great!!

      You’re doing great and I hope you guys get to more solid ground so you can keep doing your dreams!!!

  9. I am trying to make the absolute most out of my winter break! Starting grad school really kicked my butt, so I’m doing a lot of recentering, taking care myself, setting plans, taking care of life things (make new ducktape wallet, make the next few months calendar pages, dentist appointments, etc.), knitted a new scarf. Plus baking up a storm! Yesterday I made the AMAZING peppermint brownies from the Femme Brulee column (SO GOOD) and focaccia bread for an amazing spaghetti dinner!! Today I’m going to do gingersnaps and hopefully have enough baked things to send off to some friends! All that isn’t “impossible” but it certainly was impossible to do any of that or even think about it when school was happening. I feel like I went through a vortex and forgot a lot of parts of me that make me happy. So I’m reassembling myself and preparing better for next term.

  10. Hello sparkle-fish and still stones~~~

    My impossible thing is coming back from a very unexpected mental health crisis. It’s been a rollercoaster and I’ve been grateful for the help of friends and also for my own strength when medical support didn’t materialize. I figured out some coping mechanisms, and feel proud of myself for coming back from a pretty damn dark place.

    Last night I had a panic attack in a dream, but then also dreamt a mental health professional was there to help. So, apparently my subconscious is onboard with working with me, which is unexpectedly wonderful.

    I wish you all the best on your own paths turning towards lightness of heart this Solstice-time, whilst keeping the best richest parts of the dark wonders within yourselves <3 <3 <3.

  11. My impossible thing, will be to remind myself that I’m not responsible for fixing my ex’s problems.
    That will be very very hard to do because I’m a dyed-in-the-wool Fixer, for everyone but me it seems (but most especially the ex ).

    I’m hoping to find a way to become my own Most Important Person in need of fixin’ , that would be so cool.

  12. Impossiblities…
    You know, a few years ago I was hospitalized for severe depression.
    The kind where you can’t walk or button your shirt.
    I was very suicidal, with impulses, not thoughts, not intentions, but more like a compellation?
    Anyways, it took months in the hospital, many more out of it, that were horrible.
    Reasons were not just an ardent lack of neurotransmitters but life, you know?
    I just felt too broken, for a very long time, and sometimes I still do.
    But!
    The thing about always having death just around the corner and a very real possibility and knowing you’re in the broken toys club and things will never be perfect, also gives you the liberty to just do with your life whatever the hell you want.
    Nerd that I am, I decided a while back, that I want to be a real life Superhero.
    Make a project out of it, see if that’s a possibility.
    Be a good person, do the right thing, get fit, acquire some superpowers, be good at what you do, blabla.
    Long story short, now, ten years after I couldn’t safely cross a bridge by myself or imagine that I ever would again, there’s sometimes this moment where someone says, “That and that happened, but thankfully, Doreen was there.”
    Absolutely no one knows that this not being a case, me not being here, is even a possibility. But I do, I always swallow very hard, when that happens.
    Because I wouldn’t have believed that was even a possibility back then.

    And speaking of possibilities.. I’ll probably start a masters degree in Oxford next year.
    Because I want to live the Harry Potter dream just a little bit and life needs to stay crazy enough for me to run around in it.
    Nerd, what can I say??‍♀️

    I hope all of you have at least one crazy aspiration for the New Year!
    Happy Holidays!
    xoxo

    • You wonderful wonder~filling one. I am also so delighted you are gracing us, this earth, but most of all your self with your own presence and being.

      I always enjoy seeing what you post here ~ you have interesting view points and a very expressive way of writing.

      If you do go to Oxford, your own dreaming spires will spiral out and inspire us ~~~ semper carpe diem et noctem!

    • Thankful that you decided to be a real life superhero! That’s not a small feat, and with severe depression, even more difficult (as you already know), so really thank you for deciding to stay and make this world a better place, I’m so glad you’re here.

      AND GOOD LUCK WITH OXFORD THATS SO COOL

  13. I came out to my parents and siblings about two weeks ago (they were pretty supportive but it was still a lot), then I promptly hopped on two planes for a work trip for 10 days and now I am looking at spending the week with the family for Christmas, so yes, impossible seems like the new normal. I work in a pretty conservative field as an engineer (industrial refrigeration, think cold storage plants and ice rinks), so I’m not ready to come out at work, but maybe that will be eventually possible?

    Also, accomplishing the impossible, explaining new technology to 50 something men who still use flip phones.

    • Congrats on coming out to your family. Even though it doesn’t sound like it was dramatic it’s still an achievement.
      And now that you’ve been away for a few days they’ll have had time to think up all the most awkward questions… Good luck for the holidays!

  14. first of all, thank you for opening this thread with my favourite wholesome meme. im doing what i always assumed would be impossible and thriving in winter. last spring i finally got my antidepressants figured out, and had been dreading this winter since. id finally clawed my way out of the hell-vortex of clinical depression and was terrified of being sucked back over the edge. my energy and mood have definitely dipped but im successfully fighting the current for now. plus the holidays are hopefully going to be more conflict free this year, my 85 yr old catholic nana doesnt really get the whole bisexuality thing, so she thinks me having a boyfriend means my soul is no longer damned. which still sucks, bc it hurts that i can invite him to family events and have him get to know my family in a way my past partners couldnt. but yenno, it is what it is.

    • Thank you for appreciating this meme!! It lowkey feels like it has nothing to do with the thread but it made me laugh and smile so much I was like, we need this anyways.

      Sorry about your grandma being like this, that’s not good, but I’m glad you’re fighting the current successfully right now, youre doing great!!

    • I feel you! I can never fully enjoy the way my folks have welcomed my husband into our family because of the way they rejected me and previous partners, both really lovely people, in the past. It stinks.

  15. As a life long Laker fan who grew up in the Jordan era, I know that Dream Team feelings of Jordan and Johnson. Legends in their own rights, and what Magic has done for the city seemed like an impossible back in 1992. I really do hope you do get into both! You are awesome!

    I am right now a bit tired of holiday music and I’ve been hearing all month Christmas musical tones(think flip-phone area ring tone). Very straight songs too(and no Wham), sadly. This week my knee was bothering me due to how cold it is outside; well cold for us in SoCal, early Fall-late Spring for the rest of the country. Beside that most of my week has been dealing with what Holiday rush there has been(it’s there but not like previous years, I partially blame Amazon, and also Tr*mp).

    Last night I had a nice dinner with friends and then we went to a LGBTQ Latinx bar for their drag show. Sadly we had to sit and watch 5-6 topless guys dancing on a small stage. I’d have no problem with it, but they were really lazy in their dancing(just moving their belly). All buff Santa, no reindeer. The show was good, but it also started late so we only saw 20 minutes of it. Performer was lip singing, and doing jokes mostly in Spanish. Really like the atmosphere of the place.

    Since last weeks news of the CDC being barred from saying certain words, I’ve been posting these around my work neighborhood.

    Thank you for viewing and reading my post. Have a positive weekend, and a Merry Christmas for those who celeibrate and a Happy Holidays!

  16. Impossible is my specialty; I need to bitch about it.

    I run an alt-meat biz in the heart of meatland. I’ve heard no so many times it’s tattooed on my goodamn eardrum but still won’t sink in. Every time I catch a break something else literally breaks. :/

    I wanted to be profitable by now. I’m not to a year yet but barring miracles I’m not going to be by then either.

    This is the first of a few socially conscious businesses I’m working on to fund my ACTUAL goal of repurposing aging fast food infrastructure in food deserts into vegetarian/vegan friendly serving actual real nutritious food joints. Bc-wild idea-you shouldn’t have to be rich to eat food without poison in it.

    I’m a single Capricorn working 70-80 hours a week and my most promising match on my now deleted okc account was-no joke-a profile pic of a COCKROACH in a URINE SPECIMEN JAR confirming for me that, outside of AS, the world is an undeserving trash pile.

    Don’t mind me, I’ll be that bitch stoned af alone at home this holiday season contemplating how to beat impossible. Per ushe.

  17. If someone had told me three years ago when I started writing this manuscript I’d deny a publisher the chance to look at the whole thing I would have laughed.

    I submitted it to a publisher via open submissions back in September. But after getting feedback on it, and having a one to one with an agent I realised two things: 1) this manuscript still has a ways to go and 2) I want an agent to represent me and my manuscript to publishers. So when I got an email asking to see more of the book I told the open submissions publisher that I’d changed my mind.I feel like I made the right choice and there’s no rush to get published.

    Impossible things I want to do in 2018:
    Learn how to bLeNd fUcKiNg eyeSHADOW jESUS-
    Learn to drive (?)
    Go on a date*

    *I realise that going on a date isn’t something I should really aspire to but I’m 21 and I’ve never been on one and maybe this will get me to talk to cute people idk

    • Going on a date is fine aspiration, I don’t care who says otherwise! Dates are hard and scary mostly so this is a damn fine goal!!!

      Also I’m with you on the learning to drive, like in theory I know how to drive, but theory is not enough to get you on the road, sadly.

      That’s so great you know that about your story, I think your book is gonna be amazing especially since you’re making sure it comes out to the rest of the world at the right time, with the right people!

      I have no idea how to blend eyeshadow…..I didn’t even know that was thing?? so triple good luck on that it sounds hard

  18. Happy birthday Alexis! Happy Holidays! During my last birthday I realised maybe I would never feel like I’m an ADULT (maybe few people do! Maybe nobody ever does!) and it’s fine and it’s been liberating!

    My impossible thing. I’ve been seeing a girl.

    I know this is the furthest thing from impossible for most people, but for my personal growth history it feels impossible once upon a time. For the person who realised she was not straight only later in life, worrying it was ‘too late’, feeling isolated and alienated and terrified and so, so alone, who cried at the Google page on her computer screen because the whole thing seemed insurmountable and she couldn’t find her community and dating seemed like trying to reach the moon, and her insecurities ate her alive and told her no girl would ever want to date her or find her attractive, and her mental health issues coming to play too, it was inconceivable, this, just existing and being and being happy. She would never have dreamt that this would be possible. And she is so very grateful. And to Autostraddle too, because when it felt like she could not find a community where she was in real life, hanging out and quietly stalking the comments sections of every article gave her a sense of a virtual community, and so much comfort just to know that there were indeed others like her out there and they existed and made her feel less overwhelmingly isolated.

    Happy holidays everyone! Thank you all of you and I am virtually hugging all of you.

  19. Hey friends!

    I am in my family home for the holidays, and it’s been really heavy for me emotionally in all sorts of way. It’s a lot to talk about it here, but if we’re talking impossiblility, I know what to talk about. The thing is I thought I was never going to be able to get over my guilt of leaving Brazil to go abroad… but this trip is making me realize I will. I’m still not 100% there, but being around my family and my friends I realize this place was holding me back from becoming who I’ve always meant to be. I’ve been able to come into my queerness and my nerdyness because I left. Those are parts I always keep hidden or turned all the way down when I’m here, and I know now that’s not good for me… I’m glad I’m at a point I can value myself enough for that…

    So that’s me for this week. Hope people are coping with the holidays well!

    • I’m so glad you’ve been able to come into yourself, but am sorry that your family and friends aren’t really coming with you yet (if I’m reading this right), I’m excited for you to be where you can be yourself all the time cause you’re pretty wonderful!!

  20. Last night we had our retro Christmas dinner. Back in August when we were discussing our themed Christmas celebrations (Peanuts, French, Retro, Diner, etc) my sister asked me what I wanted on the menu for the retro one. My immediate answer was “creamed spinach’. So last night we had creamed spinach and I dreamed of Waterloo Iowa. It made an otherwise crappy week ok.

  21. I’m late cause I was making all my food allergy/intolerance gifts today and then started up the regular gingerbread so I’d have time to decorate them without feeling rushed. Usually I just do I glaze but this year I have fancy cookie stamps I got on clearance :3

    Uh huh that “why is my life still not together” feeling is very familiar to me yep. When my life (after years of healing)finally felt like it was starting to get together the bottom fell out and knocked me on my ass.
    Now I’m just try to maintain something resembling equilibrium with a mystery illness that can rear its ugly head any moment and there appears to be nothing I can do to prevent it only manage it when it appears.

    What impossible thing are you doing? What impossible things have you done? What are you adding to your list?

    The impossible thing I’m doing and impossible things I have done all boil down to continuing to be alive.
    I survived, now I live.

    On a lighter note something that feels impossible but I added to my list of things I’m gunna doing is sing karaoke of hard rock songs I love without trying to imitate a vocal range that I can’t do ending up in a crash and burn cookie monster of something that’s not cookie monster vocals

    I will do it my own way and not try to be James Hetfield or Glenn Danzing.

    • Karaoke? you are so brave!!! I like karaoke like by myself away from people and preferably in a sound proof environment, but I’m assuming yours won’t have that part? Bravery at it’s finest, tbh.

      I’m so happy you survived. I’m ecstatic you’re going to live!!

      <3

  22. Talking about birthdays… I had a birthday a few years ago when I was having a bad time at work and felt like I’d made negative progress in the previous year and for the first time I felt unhappy about getting older and like I’d been wasting my time. BUT THEN… I read this article by Lauren Laverne (https://www.the-pool.com/news-views/lauren-s-blog/2015/33/lauren-laverne-the-tyranny-of-the-timeline) and made myself write a list of 33 (or whatever my age at that time was) things I’d done that I was proud of or that took courage. Not just classic bucket list stuff, but “being a good friend” and “asking for help”.
    It sounds really cheesy and I didn’t show anyone, but it was a good way to focus on the positives that 6 year old me didn’t even know she wanted to achieve.

  23. I’m late but I did such a good impossible thing for myself this year, I left a man who I’d been with for nine years, who I married when I was 20 and he was 30 and we were living in North Carolina.

    This morning I’m in my own bed in my own apartment and the most beautiful person with the softest skin and the cutest smile is sleeping right next to me and the world is magic aaaahhhh (also I come during sex now).

  24. Usually I enjoy the holidays with the giving and spending time with loved ones. But this year I feel a bit cranky about it all. We have kids for the first time for x-mas, but not the baby sort, rather ones that have already had 5 and 6 years of x-mases with other people and expectations for the holidays that they may not be able to articulate and I may not be able to fulfill. And so there are more things they want and I haven’t even started wrapping. I’m debating how many presents would be best? Enough that no one feels left out, but not too many as to be competing with bio families or giving in too much to the commercialization. It’s tricky. Also my wife’s girlfriend is having a rough time, so that takes a lot of her energy. I stayed up too late last night hanging up laundry and the kids got up too early. But there there was just the right amount of snow, and perfect for snow people so at 7:20 am we bundled up and went outside. I’m trying to just enjoy the moments when the kids are kind and happy, and to enjoy the time with family and friends.

    • Glad you’re enjoying the moments when you can because this sounds really stressful. I hope you find the balance for gifts and that everyone continues to be kind and happy, that you get to have good times with the ones you love <3

  25. Happy Birthday Alexis! Excellent choice of feature image meme. <3

    And fingers crossed for your aim-for-the-stars school application!
    I feel solidarity as I send out my very average CV to very prestigious job openings heh. Hopefully we both strike gold in the new year!

    We had a meet-up today, hybrid group of straddlers + local Queer Bomb group + roller derby people. A three-hour brunch; the nine of us shared equal parts random stories from our lives and a group discussion on how to dismantle the patriarchy. It was the best Christmas present ever! <3

  26. My impossible thing is finishing a 488 page Masha Gessen book, which I just did.

    I was wondering if anybody else saw the gingerbread house contest show FN ran last Sunday? I watched it because one of the contestants mentioned it on Autostraddle. In the opening segment, there was a chemistry student with a rainbow flag in her dorm room, so I thought “That’s her!” Then another contestant was using power tools so I thought “Hmmm” and then she mentioned her wife. Both creations were creative and cute!

Contribute to the conversation...

You must be logged in to post a comment.