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Five Outfits for Being a Kitchen Top This Holiday Season

A swirly background in blues, oranges, and golds. The words HOLIDAYS 2022 are on torn gold paper, along with the Autostraddle logo.

Holigays 2022 // Header by Viv Le

Kitchen tops, rise up. It is our time.

If you don’t know what a kitchen top is, the short explanation is that they are that person that is cooking seven dishes at once and when you ask if you can help they tell you to get out of their kitchen.

Kitchen tops love to have the space for themselves, and you will get bossed around if you are in the way. I haven’t made a Thanksgiving meal for many in a while, but when I did, I shared space with my then-partner, and it was a bit of a competition. I knew what tasted better, I eyeballed spices instead meticulously measuring them out with teaspoons. If a guest brought a dish I wasn’t above “improving” it for them.

I usually cook for myself and a friend, but this year it was just for me. I bought too much food and can’t wait to have leftovers for days.

Enough about me, if you are a kitchen top, here are some outfits for you or the kitchen top you love. Practical and stylish, all you’ll have to do is take off your apron and reveal your fit for the evening.

An Outfit for Grocery Shopping (5 days out)

An Outfit for Vegetable Prep (3 days out)

An Outfit for Making Your Own Stock (2 days out)

An Outfit for Baking Your Desserts (1 day out)

An Outfit for Serving it Up (day of)

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Dani Janae is a poet and writer based out of Pittsburgh, PA. When she's not writing love poems for unavailable women, she's watching horror movies, hanging with her tarantula, and eating figs. Follow Dani Janae on Twitter and on Instagram.

danijanae has written 157 articles for us.


  1. Another way to identify a kitchen top – they make a “you’re doing it wrong” noise when/if you try to help in the kitchen. Or maybe that’s just my spouse ;)

    Those suede black shoes are very cute.

    • Haha I remember cooking for/with a girlfriend trained by her Italian Nonna. She’d sneakily adjust the seasoning on what I was making when I turned my back and things. There was a whole salt war at one point.

    • As a sometimes-physically impaired k.t. myself I would like to affirm that sitting and bossing someone else’s hands around very much still counts!!!! You know it’s toppy bc my partner will double check every detail before making a move—dice size ok? Which size homemade stock jar to defrost? Should I stir it again yet? And god help them if they try to suggest something different from the spice drawer. It’s not as satisfying as doing it myself (not ever quite as good 😉) but we disabled kitchen tops gotta do what we must.

  2. Listen, I love the countdown format of this but how are you going to call that pink fuzzy abomination either “practical” or “stylish” 😭 And who would bake in a velvet jumpsuit with long wide sleeves 😭

  3. Swear to god I saw the title of this piece and yelped. Am I a kitchen top? Possibly…

    Love everything! The Day Lantern Pants are so good! The velvet jumpsuit looks so comfy! (And damn, if people in the comments could calm down about it?! You can always cuff the sleeves or make it your “lounge while it bakes” outfit and the actual baking outfit is the cute tank top you put on underneath or whatever. Sheesh.) I’m a little too butch for most of this but obviously a primary butch skill is appreciating femme magic. Putting together outfit roundups must already be a challenge with finding an inclusive range of prices and styles, you’re doing great work Dani! :)

  4. Even if this minimalist never buys anything, I appreciate these little mini fashion shows. I loathe shopping due to Overwhelm of Choices so these *reductions*, if you will, are a quick fun scroll. Thanks!

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