Welcome to the fourth episode of the second season of Faking It, a claymation program from the network that brought you Snooki & JWoww.
We open on another resplendent Austin afternoon, where my Mom’s ex-boyfriend is advertising auditions for the Drama Club via poster board. Actually it’s not my Mom’s ex-boyfriend, it’s just that my Mom dated a mime once so that’s all I can think about whenever I see mimes.
Anyhow! Karma wants to audition because she loves to perform! JUST KIDDING it’s because she loves attention.
Karma: Since our breakup, we’re invisible again. This is my chance to get back on the map, and this time for my talent, not my fake sexual orientation.
Amy reassures Karma that she’s super-talented and will obviously snag a spot on the state’s best drama club. Then Shane shows up, announces he too will be auditioning, and demands Karma to split so he can gay talk to Amy.
Amy insists it won’t be weird for Karma and Shane to compete for the Ultimate Prize Drama Club Spot, but Shane’s not concerned with this Glee-full situation:
Shane: I didn’t come here to talk about drama. I came here to talk about DRAMMMAAAA.
Yup, Shane wants to talk about Liam burying the wick with Amy.
Amy: Shane, that was the biggest mistake of my life, I can barely stand thinking about it!
Shane: What? Having sex with a guy?
Amy makes a bewildered facial expression, much like my own, except somehow Amy doesn’t look like she’s about to eat a showrunner.
Shane: So you didn’t enjoy it? Or did you? Are you bi now? What does it all mean?
Amy: What it means is that I did the most horrible thing a best friend could do.
Shane: You made a mistake. Don’t forget that it was Karma’s lie that set this whole crazy train in motion.
Amy says her drunken decision to take a baloney ride with Liam’s pony is akin to plunging a knife into Karma’s heart, which means clearly Amy’s not suffering PTSD from last week’s American Horror Story and therefore can joke about plunging sharp objects into things. Furthermore, a knife isn’t exactly the phallic object we all hoped she’d plunge into Karma, nor is the heart the ideal receptacle of said object. Alas, Shane says her #1 worry should be Liam, who’s so guilt-ridden/self-centered that he’ll probs tell Karma any minute now.
Unfortunately, Liam’s not in school this fine day…
…thus, Amy tracks Liam down at his resplendent abode, which’s chock-full of extras looking very Berkeley Cocktail Chic. Liam spots Amy and tells her to bust their fancy pop stand, STAT. Amy refuses, insisting that Liam keep his lips sealed about unsealing Amy’s lips.
But before Amy can murder Liam with a knife as I’d hoped, Liam’s sister Robin pops up to ask who let this vagabond onto their property. Amy introduces herself as Liam’s girlfriend! This is neat.
Amy: Liam has this weird hangup on introducing me to his family. Are you guys assassins? Drug lords? Do you feed on blood?
Robin: No, but I would if it could cure my crows feet.
LOLOLO WOMEN AGING LOL.
Robin tells Liam to “do as he’s told” while she gets Amy into “more appropriate clothing for this occasion.” I hope it’s a Tarts and Vicars occasion!
Cut back to Hester High, where the kiddos are preparing for drama club auditions. Theo, who apparently paints sets, is flirting with Lauren, who is warming up in a leotard like this is Flashdance or something.
Shane smells a showmance but Lauren denies it.
Meanwhile, Karma’s freaking out next to our favorite male lesbian, Oliver, who appears to have suffered some kind of unraveling that’s left him looking a little less Ira Glassy. When Karma says she’s surprised to see him here, he says:
Oliver: My therapist thinks I should develop new interests. I really shouldn’t be talking to you, you’re one of my triggers.
Shane plops down next to Karma just in time for Margot, played by our very own Laverne Cox, to saunter on stage, all asplendor in Olivia Pope White, and deliver a dramatic monologue regarding the applause one craves and demands as a person of the stage! Only one of these fine young chaps and chappers will earn a spot in the prized Drama Club! WHO WILL IT BE? Margot then tells the group that in her six years atop this fine Drama Club, she has honed her ability to spot diamonds and turn humans into stars, for example, she performed this duty for our very own Tami Taylor.
Margot: It was I who encouraged Connie Britton to go to Hollywood. I was nine. Diamonds like Connie are only formed under intense pressure, and I am about to apply that pressure to each and every one of you. I will push you to your physical, emotional and spiritual limits!
[in the seats]
Karma: She’s intense!
Shane: Show business is intense.
Lauren: Especially when your only credit is Pretend Lesbian.
Margot, because she is Avant Garde and Dramatic, demands the children tear up the sheet music they’ve so lovingly prepared for this audition, because they’ll all be singing “Tomorrow” from Annie instead. That’s actually not Avant Garde or Dramatic but whatever.
Lauren: THAT’S WHAT I WAS GONNA SING!
Cut back to Liam’s House of Skorkle Pancakes, where his sister is adorning Amy in something that would make even me feel like I’m in drag, and I own and wear dresses semi-regularly.
Robin explains to Amy that the party is an engagement celebration for her and this senator who is probably awful and against Net Neutrality. Amy recalls the fine protest we enjoyed many moons ago but Robin tells Amy to keep that on the DL because father wouldn’t be impressed by Liam’s socialist shenanigans.
Amy: Wow, I can’t believe Liam Booker is the heir to Skorkle!
Robin: Well, he could be one day but right now he wants no part of us or the family business.
However, sis is holding out hope that one day he’ll realize the error of his ways and gladly inherit the throne. I can’t wait for Liam to find out that being poor is actually not romantic at all but in fact totally sucks, and he should take his family’s money and give it to Autostraddle or give grants to poor artists. IT’S CALLED ROBIN HOODING, LIAM! TAKE NOTES.
We return to The Theatre Of Dreams, where Lauren, Shane, Oliver and Karma are battling it out for who can make me want to watch that cute documentary about Annie again first. Did Ryan Murphy write this episode?
Turns out that Shane (dressed in Kurt Hummel chic) is kinda meh, Lauren’s pretty decent, Karma should be a folk-rock singer, and Oliver might be okay? Margot loves Karma, telling the room that “Karma’s the one to beat!”
Back at the Fancy Crudités Party, Amy’s feasting on shrimps while Liam shakes a martini and puts olives on sticks like DIY anal beads. Liam tells Amy that she doesn’t know jackshit about his life, and she says that she doesn’t really care to, she just feels strongly that he needs to STFU re: Dancing the Mattress Jig.
Dear Dad shows up and Amy introduces herself by announcing that she’s pregnant and then declaring that it’s “just a little in-law humor to break the ice.” I feel like maybe this line existed just so they could use it for the trailer.
Amy’s just gotten into explaining how they met at a protest when Liam whisks her away and locks her in a closet! NOBODY PUTS AMY BACK IN THE CLOSET.
We return to the New World Stages, where our four friends and several extras have advanced to Round Two, which’ll be devoted to the fine art of DANCE DANCE DANCING. The auditioners must pair up, and Lauren and Shane snatch each other, leaving Karma with a relatively stationary Oliver.
Intense drum beat stock music begins blasting as Margot loses herself in the thrill of the dance, Lauren and Shane pretty much kill it, and Karma literally dances circles around Oliver, who looks like he’d rather be at home watching zombie movies.
Margot is thrilled by Shane and Lauren’s presentation but finds Karma and Oliver “reeking of anger and desperation.” This is a sad, strange moment for us all.
Back at the Afternoon Cocktail Party, Amy’s sitting in the storage closet gnawing on baugette when a sexy cater-waiter, identifying herself as the lady who served the shrimp to Amy’s eager hands earlier that morning, enters and informs her that “this isn’t where we keep the leftovers.”
Amy: I was locked in here.
Reagan: Kinky! I like it.
Reagan has a gravely sex voice and a perfectly wispy astray bangs-situation. She’s sort of Janis Ianish and also toppy. I’m into it.
Amy: Just to be clear, I’m not one of these people.
Reagan: Well, your boyfriend is. Play your cards right and you could be.
Amy: He’s not my boyfriend. Um. There are no boyfriends. Around me. Right now.
Reagan: Me either.
Reagan gives Amy a sexy eye situation as Amy dashes out of the storage closet.