Welcome to the fourth episode of the second season of Faking It, a claymation program from the network that brought you Snooki & JWoww.
We open on another resplendent Austin afternoon, where my Mom’s ex-boyfriend is advertising auditions for the Drama Club via poster board. Actually it’s not my Mom’s ex-boyfriend, it’s just that my Mom dated a mime once so that’s all I can think about whenever I see mimes.
Anyhow! Karma wants to audition because she loves to perform! JUST KIDDING it’s because she loves attention.
Karma: Since our breakup, we’re invisible again. This is my chance to get back on the map, and this time for my talent, not my fake sexual orientation.
Amy reassures Karma that she’s super-talented and will obviously snag a spot on the state’s best drama club. Then Shane shows up, announces he too will be auditioning, and demands Karma to split so he can gay talk to Amy.
Amy insists it won’t be weird for Karma and Shane to compete for the Ultimate Prize Drama Club Spot, but Shane’s not concerned with this Glee-full situation:
Shane: I didn’t come here to talk about drama. I came here to talk about DRAMMMAAAA.
Yup, Shane wants to talk about Liam burying the wick with Amy.
Amy: Shane, that was the biggest mistake of my life, I can barely stand thinking about it!
Shane: What? Having sex with a guy?
Amy makes a bewildered facial expression, much like my own, except somehow Amy doesn’t look like she’s about to eat a showrunner.
Shane: So you didn’t enjoy it? Or did you? Are you bi now? What does it all mean?
Amy: What it means is that I did the most horrible thing a best friend could do.
Shane: You made a mistake. Don’t forget that it was Karma’s lie that set this whole crazy train in motion.
Amy says her drunken decision to take a baloney ride with Liam’s pony is akin to plunging a knife into Karma’s heart, which means clearly Amy’s not suffering PTSD from last week’s American Horror Story and therefore can joke about plunging sharp objects into things. Furthermore, a knife isn’t exactly the phallic object we all hoped she’d plunge into Karma, nor is the heart the ideal receptacle of said object. Alas, Shane says her #1 worry should be Liam, who’s so guilt-ridden/self-centered that he’ll probs tell Karma any minute now.
Unfortunately, Liam’s not in school this fine day…
…thus, Amy tracks Liam down at his resplendent abode, which’s chock-full of extras looking very Berkeley Cocktail Chic. Liam spots Amy and tells her to bust their fancy pop stand, STAT. Amy refuses, insisting that Liam keep his lips sealed about unsealing Amy’s lips.
But before Amy can murder Liam with a knife as I’d hoped, Liam’s sister Robin pops up to ask who let this vagabond onto their property. Amy introduces herself as Liam’s girlfriend! This is neat.
Amy: Liam has this weird hangup on introducing me to his family. Are you guys assassins? Drug lords? Do you feed on blood?
Robin: No, but I would if it could cure my crows feet.
LOLOLO WOMEN AGING LOL.
Robin tells Liam to “do as he’s told” while she gets Amy into “more appropriate clothing for this occasion.” I hope it’s a Tarts and Vicars occasion!
Cut back to Hester High, where the kiddos are preparing for drama club auditions. Theo, who apparently paints sets, is flirting with Lauren, who is warming up in a leotard like this is Flashdance or something.
Shane smells a showmance but Lauren denies it.
Meanwhile, Karma’s freaking out next to our favorite male lesbian, Oliver, who appears to have suffered some kind of unraveling that’s left him looking a little less Ira Glassy. When Karma says she’s surprised to see him here, he says:
Oliver: My therapist thinks I should develop new interests. I really shouldn’t be talking to you, you’re one of my triggers.
Shane plops down next to Karma just in time for Margot, played by our very own Laverne Cox, to saunter on stage, all asplendor in Olivia Pope White, and deliver a dramatic monologue regarding the applause one craves and demands as a person of the stage! Only one of these fine young chaps and chappers will earn a spot in the prized Drama Club! WHO WILL IT BE? Margot then tells the group that in her six years atop this fine Drama Club, she has honed her ability to spot diamonds and turn humans into stars, for example, she performed this duty for our very own Tami Taylor.
Margot: It was I who encouraged Connie Britton to go to Hollywood. I was nine. Diamonds like Connie are only formed under intense pressure, and I am about to apply that pressure to each and every one of you. I will push you to your physical, emotional and spiritual limits!
[in the seats]
Karma: She’s intense!
Shane: Show business is intense.
Lauren: Especially when your only credit is Pretend Lesbian.
Margot, because she is Avant Garde and Dramatic, demands the children tear up the sheet music they’ve so lovingly prepared for this audition, because they’ll all be singing “Tomorrow” from Annie instead. That’s actually not Avant Garde or Dramatic but whatever.
Lauren: THAT’S WHAT I WAS GONNA SING!
Cut back to Liam’s House of Skorkle Pancakes, where his sister is adorning Amy in something that would make even me feel like I’m in drag, and I own and wear dresses semi-regularly.
Robin explains to Amy that the party is an engagement celebration for her and this senator who is probably awful and against Net Neutrality. Amy recalls the fine protest we enjoyed many moons ago but Robin tells Amy to keep that on the DL because father wouldn’t be impressed by Liam’s socialist shenanigans.
Amy: Wow, I can’t believe Liam Booker is the heir to Skorkle!
Robin: Well, he could be one day but right now he wants no part of us or the family business.
However, sis is holding out hope that one day he’ll realize the error of his ways and gladly inherit the throne. I can’t wait for Liam to find out that being poor is actually not romantic at all but in fact totally sucks, and he should take his family’s money and give it to Autostraddle or give grants to poor artists. IT’S CALLED ROBIN HOODING, LIAM! TAKE NOTES.
We return to The Theatre Of Dreams, where Lauren, Shane, Oliver and Karma are battling it out for who can make me want to watch that cute documentary about Annie again first. Did Ryan Murphy write this episode?
Turns out that Shane (dressed in Kurt Hummel chic) is kinda meh, Lauren’s pretty decent, Karma should be a folk-rock singer, and Oliver might be okay? Margot loves Karma, telling the room that “Karma’s the one to beat!”
Back at the Fancy Crudités Party, Amy’s feasting on shrimps while Liam shakes a martini and puts olives on sticks like DIY anal beads. Liam tells Amy that she doesn’t know jackshit about his life, and she says that she doesn’t really care to, she just feels strongly that he needs to STFU re: Dancing the Mattress Jig.
Dear Dad shows up and Amy introduces herself by announcing that she’s pregnant and then declaring that it’s “just a little in-law humor to break the ice.” I feel like maybe this line existed just so they could use it for the trailer.
Amy’s just gotten into explaining how they met at a protest when Liam whisks her away and locks her in a closet! NOBODY PUTS AMY BACK IN THE CLOSET.
We return to the New World Stages, where our four friends and several extras have advanced to Round Two, which’ll be devoted to the fine art of DANCE DANCE DANCING. The auditioners must pair up, and Lauren and Shane snatch each other, leaving Karma with a relatively stationary Oliver.
Intense drum beat stock music begins blasting as Margot loses herself in the thrill of the dance, Lauren and Shane pretty much kill it, and Karma literally dances circles around Oliver, who looks like he’d rather be at home watching zombie movies.
Margot is thrilled by Shane and Lauren’s presentation but finds Karma and Oliver “reeking of anger and desperation.” This is a sad, strange moment for us all.
Back at the Afternoon Cocktail Party, Amy’s sitting in the storage closet gnawing on baugette when a sexy cater-waiter, identifying herself as the lady who served the shrimp to Amy’s eager hands earlier that morning, enters and informs her that “this isn’t where we keep the leftovers.”
Amy: I was locked in here.
Reagan: Kinky! I like it.
Reagan has a gravely sex voice and a perfectly wispy astray bangs-situation. She’s sort of Janis Ianish and also toppy. I’m into it.
Amy: Just to be clear, I’m not one of these people.
Reagan: Well, your boyfriend is. Play your cards right and you could be.
Amy: He’s not my boyfriend. Um. There are no boyfriends. Around me. Right now.
Reagan: Me either.
Reagan gives Amy a sexy eye situation as Amy dashes out of the storage closet.
Back at the soiree, Amy’s still unable to get Liam to promise not to tell Karma, so Amy decides to yell at him and make a scene!
Yup, Amy slaps Liam in the face and tells everybody that they met at a Skorkle protest and that he slept with her best friend, finishing her performance by tossing champagne in his face.
Look, I’d like to see Liam ground into whatever it is that goes inside chicken nuggets and served to hungry schoolchildren in the hinterlands as much as the next guy, but JESUS CHRIST AMY, there’s no excuse for humiliating somebody in front of his family and ruining somebody’s engagement party, even if it is somebody evil! That’s just manners.
Liam’s father wants to see him in the other room and Amy stands there, looking proud of herself for being an awful person. Also, after this scene went down, what motivation will he have to keep her secret now?
Cut back to The Audition, where Shane’s talking about watching Project Runway with his father and Margot is sleeping while sitting upright, which is a quality I really admire in an airplane seatmate.
Margot: Sorry I fell asleep and went back to 2009 when that still felt fresh. Tell me something nobody knows!
Shane says he’s one-quarter Filipino and struggles with it every day and she kicks him off the stage and says it’s difficult to take such trite struggles seriously when Oliver over there — who’s still wiping away his tears — showed us such real raw emotion. Ugh why didn’t we get to see Oliver’s Real Emotions? Now it’s Lauren’s turn.
Margot: You’ve got talent, Ms. Cooper, but I’m worried that you’re just another pretty blonde white girl who’s biggest struggle is whether to have a latte or a cappuchino.
Lauren: Fuck you, I’ve struggled!
She’s about to reveal that she was born intersex when Theo drops a paint can on the ground and the sight of him dazzles her back into deciding not to tell the whole truth, instead claiming she’s a perfectionist who takes vitamins. SNOOZE.
Back at Chez Skorkle Booker, Liam’s getting yelled at by his father about ruining his sister’s engagement party. Liam says “don’t call her that,” re: “your sister,” which I think is a CLUE.
Dad: I have indulged this little defiant phase. Now this company needs this marriage to happen, so go out there and make things right.
Liam: And how am I supposed to do that?
Dad: You’re an artist. Be creative!
That’s like when someone gives me an idea for something we should do to make Autostraddle rich and I’m like “okay, but how could we make money with that?” and they’re like, “you’re the CEO! Be creative!”
Cut back to the theater of broken dreams, where Karma’s whining about the juice truck not making money. Margot’s unimpressed because she lived on graham crackers and slept on throw pillows for two years before getting a job on a Carnival Cruise.
Margot wants to know about her recent breakup.
Karma: You know, people split up! Taylor Swift pretty much said it all —
Margot: KARMA! What kind of empty life will you lead if you don’t know yourself? What can you bring to your characters? Tear off your mask!
Karma: I am heartbroken. But not for the reason everyone thinks.
WELL WELL WELL. What have we here?
Karma: Okay. I know this will probably make everybody hate me, but I’m not really a lesbian.
Margot: Go on…
Karma: Someone mistook my best friend and me as a couple. It got us attention and popularity which were two things that I always wanted. I said we should go with it and Amy agreed. I made you believe that I’m somebody that I’m not and I’m sorry. I can be a really insecure person and I hate that part of who I am. I’m desperate for approval. Like me, like me, like me. ‘Cause if you like me then maybe I’ll like myself.
Margot stands up and gives some big ‘ol claps.
It’s really special that Karma decided to tell these kids about her and Amy without Amy’s permission, what is wrong with everybody this episode!?!?! It’s a good thing Gossip Girl doesn’t go to this school.
Back at the Fancy Lunchtime Soiree, Amy’s offering Liam a peace donut and apologizing, but Liam tells her not to worry about it ’cause things were bad long before tonight.
Liam: A part of me admires what you did. You rocked the boat, something that I’m too chicken to do.
So then Liam decides to make a toast! Where’s Reagan. This shit has gone on long enough! Liam announces that he’s sorry for being a disappointment to his family and pursuing art instead of money and power, expressed with the #sorrynotsorry disposition of a person who’s never lacked access to money or power.
Liam: I guess I’m sorry for even being born.
Robin: Liam, please. Not now.
Liam: Right? MOM?
EVERYBODY GASPS! WE’RE ON MAURY!
Liam: That’s right folks. Robin my sister is really my mother. She got herself knocked up at 16 and those two? My grandparents? They got her shipped off to boarding school in Switzerland and then they raised me as their son. They’ve all been lying about it for so long that they actually now believe it. Oh! L’Chaim!
Even though I wrote “L’Chaim,” because I’m a Jew and I know what Liam was getting at and I have a chai tattooed on my thigh, he actually said “L’Haim.”
So there you have it. Liam embarrassed everybody by pronouncing a word wrong. Amy goes “great party!” and then SCENE.
Back in the auditorium Shane tells Karma that he admired her honesty earlier and wouldn’t be surprised if she wins the crown and becomes the best top princess of the ultimate drama club in the sky. Karma wants to know if they’re friends now, but Shane “wouldn’t go that far.” However, he has empathy for her and “her situation.”
Shane: But if you’re so desperate for people to like you, maybe you shouldn’t be an actress.
Elsewhere in this airy auditorium, Theo tells Lauren he admires her for getting up there and signing and dancing, because he is a terrible singer/dancer.
Margot returns to the set, crosses the room and hangs that one special name on a chalkboard.
Lauren: Who the fuck is Oliver?
Back at the Engagement Party Of Every Momsister’s Dreams, Liam’s riding high on the thrill of having told everybody that his sister is really his mother. I hope he feels proud of himself for ruining her engagement party. Unfortunately I suspect he hasn’t learned the lesson he was supposed to learn, which is that revealing things other people wanna keep a secret at inopportune moments is actually just really selfish and not really something to be proud of.
Liam says it’s a big load off his shoulders, much like the load that lifted off my shoulders when Liam clarified that his mother had been a teen Mom who got shipped off to boarding school rather than what I’d initially assumed regarding the relationship between Liam’s father and his Momsister.
Amy says that now she understands why honesty is so important to him. Liam tells her his sad story about how he found his birth certificate and his whole world turned upside-down. He also says that he doesn’t want Karma to “know something she can’t un-know” because he cares about her too much, which I guess means he’ll keep the secret. Amy says she feels the same way. HOW NICE WHERE’S REAGAN
Unfortunately, the episode ended there. Many questions remain unanswered, like “where’s Regan?” and “what’s up with Oliver?” and “did Amy just miss a whole day of school?”
Next week, Amy is going to pine for Karma and Karma is going to disappoint us all in our hearts: