Five Foods You Should Never Eat Again

Autostraddle 5th B'day_Cats plus changes_Rory Midhani_640px (1)
We’re celebrating Autostraddle’s Fifth Birthday all month long by publishing a bunch of Top Fives. This is one of them!


I keep seeing lists about foods you should never eat because they’re bad for you or banned in other countries or responsible for all of the sadness in the world or something and I’m not buying it. I have the real list of foods you should stop eating backed up by my own personal brand of science fueled by my scholarly taste buds.

coconut

5. Dried coconut flakes/pieces

Coconut the flavor is fine. It can even be bomb in certain situations. But when you put actual grainy ass coconut in anything, I’m no longer interested. It makes my mouth feel like it’s on punishment. Coconut flakes feel like they’re trying to escape from themselves.


pistachios

4. Pistachios

Pistachios are more offensive than other nuts. However, they are at least nice about it. They’re not like stupid rude walnuts that are constantly popping up on brownies and in salads. Pistachios stay in their lane. I don’t like them but I respect them.


sushi

3. Sushi

Every part of sushi is baffling. Did you know the fish in sushi is raw? I don’t know, I figured you couldn’t have known that because you people eat it ALL THE TIME. And yeah, I know here in America it’s been bastardized and some of it has cooked fish in it which helps but not really. One of these “creative adjustments” lets me know that even if I’m the weird one for not liking sushi, there are rolls that have cream cheese in them SO YOU ALL DO NOT DESERVE NICE THINGS.


onion

2. Raw onions

WHAT AND WHY AND WHO AND NO


ganze und halbe avocado isoliert auf weiss

1. Avocado

I ALREADY KNOW THE FIERY FIRES OF LESBIAN HELL WANT TO ENVELOPE ME FOR THIS STANCE but fuck avocados. They are so unnecessary to your life. Guacamole is disgusting and RUINS 7 layer dip. It’s so bland and unworthy of attention that when it is on stuff, I’ll usually be like, “FINE. WHATEVER. LIVE YOUR LIFE AVOCADO.” because going through the trouble of scraping it off stuff bums me out more than its disappointing presence. The hatred that wells up in people when you say you don’t like avocados should only be reserved for when people say they don’t like bread, french fries, or cheese. Avocados are not on the level of bread, french fries, or cheese AND YOU CAN QUOTE ME ON THAT, BROTHER. (I’m Hulk Hogan.)

Feature image via Shutterstock


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Profile gravatar of Brittani

Brittani Nichols is a Los Angeles based comedy person. When she's not tweeting about white people or watching television, she's probably eating pizza. Actually, she's probably doing all three of those things concurrently and when she's not doing THAT, she's sleeping. Brittani also went to Yale and feels weird about mentioning it but wants you to know.

Brittani has written 330 articles for us.

108 Comments

  1. 0

    It’s true, pistachios are disgusting. I am so glad this list wasn’t a list of foods we shouldn’t eat because they’re bad for you or banned in other countries or responsible for all of the sadness in the world, and instead another list of Brittani’s funny thoughts.

  2. 0

    Disagree with pistachios and onions :p For the pistachios though, it does depend on where they’re from. Some in grocery stores are just horrible but others (like for me personally the ones my grandma brings back from Greece) are MAGNIFICENT. And well, onions, haters gonna hate.

    But I’m 100% with you on avocado and sushi!

  3. 0

    I’m with you on the pistachios and though I personally love avocados , I can see why peole may not appreciate them.

    But onions?! These are the weird food people I do not understand. Anti-onion and anti-garlic stances baffle me. That’s where the flavor comes from!

    <3

    • 0

      When they make you feel like you’ve accidentally eaten a tiny gnome who keeps kicking you in the stomach/intestines from within, it’s very easy to dislike raw onions.

  4. 0

    I’ve been quietly smoldering in my hatred for avocado and silently accept all the homemade guacamole that my friends smother themselves in but this article inspires me to be MUCH MORE EXUBERANT IN MY DISDAIN FOR AVOCADO.

  5. 0

    I haven’t commented in..months? But..but..I had to! I had to sign in..to comment…to ask…Who killed you? Who killed you, Brittani? And Bren?? It’s like..like..You’re dead inside….Except for that sushi part. That shit is totes ick-nast!

  6. 0

    I like sushi, but for the amount of calories those bento boxes (which never satisfy me) clock in at, I don’t think it’s worth it.

    • 0

      I agree! I love sushi (especially the spicy salmon rolls), but those buffets can really be hard on the waistline. It’s only good once in a while.

    • 0

      Oh, yeah, never thought of that, but it sounds amazing! I just looked it up on google, am definitely gonna try that pretty soon… Thank you, Heidi. 🙂

      • 0

        What I do know is that Heidi is the one who actually introduced me to that whole new world of pleasure, and that I’ll be forever grateful… 😀

        Sorry, Brittani, seems like we’re teaming up against you. We still like you very much, though. I promise. 🙂

  7. 0

    Your article is so funny. This is your opinion, but you have expressed your feelings in a funny way that I totally appreciate what you are saying.

  8. 0

    Avocados in the US are gross and bland. That’s why. Avocados in Mexico City improve significantly, but Avocados in other parts of México are AMAZING. I don’t know why. I was once fooled by a giant avocado in Hawaii cause I thought bigger meant better but no. Avocado = fat, which is why it’s bomb… La gordura es sabrosa, can’t deny that! Wait all the things you list are fatty! What? I love fat en todas sus presentaciones.

  9. 0

    I’m with you on the dried coconut. It ruins everything it touches. Bleugh. And I know we’re not the only ones because we have an honesty box at work and the guy always puts a Bounty bar in there (similar to a Mounds Hersey bar, according to Wiki) and NO ONE EVER EATS IT. Gross.

    The raw onion thing, though, am I the only one who thinks onions taste better raw than cooked?

  10. 0

    This made me really want some avocado sushi. I’m vegetarian so I don’t eat the raw fish stuff, but avocado sushi is bomb. As is cucumber sushi.

  11. 0

    This is the wrongest Autostraddle has ever gotten it.

    I mean, You Do You, girl.

    But seriously. Avcados! Nuts! ONIONS!

    I can’t. I have to walk away.

    • 0

      I know. Same.
      I guess I’ll have to take my sushi pistachio raw onion avocado lunch plate garnished with big coconut pieces to another table in the café.
      Come and join me fellow discrete food lovers.

  12. 0

    THANK YOU. I’ve secretly been tolerating avocado because expressing the idea that they don’t taste all that great is apparently blasphemous in this community. And coconut flakes! Do you know what it’s like to grow up in Hawaii and hate those stupid coconut flakes? Telling people to leave them off is worse than coming out, I swear. The struggle….

  13. 0

    I feel you on the coconut flakes part. I’ve always said those were something white, Republican Satan concocted to keep a sista down. And I’m only fond of veggie sushi. However, you’re gonna have to miss me on the other ones. I recently discovered to heaven that is guacamole and all of its avocado goodness. Let love in and get with the avocados.

  14. 0

    This was wonderful. Mainly because I already don’t like 4 out of the five :p I stand by spiced pistachios though coz when they got flavouring on they can be an awesome snack. But yeah FUCK OFF AVOCADO! I tried. I really did. But you suck.

  15. 0

    Yes, yes to the sushi bit SO HARD. I remember the first time I tried sushi, I was with a bunch of friends and they kept asking me “do you want to try eel? how about a dragon roll? let’s get that other thing too” and I kept saying “yes” because I had NO CLUE and I also had no idea how big a sushi roll was. after I tried it and didn’t want to finish it they got mad at me for “making them order so much stuff”

    anyway long story short BOO SUSHI (except for veggie rolls those are okay)

  16. 0

    5 things you should actually never eat again b/c Brittani’s list is objectively false: white sandwich bread, asparagus, yoplait yogurt, steak, marshmallows. #sorrynotsorry

  17. 0

    Brittani, I’m with you for most of these, but pistachios are delishhhh.

    (and I don’t hate sushi, though I completely understand why you would.)

  18. 0

    This list just made me hungry… Minus the coconut flakes, which don’t repulse me but I’d just rather not with the dryness.

    The top item on my list of hell nahs is Turkish Delight. The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe deceived me as a child and I’m still bitter about that.

  19. 0

    Ok so dessicated coconut is only edible as coconut macaroons which I am going to go make. Right. Damn. Now.

    Raw onion though… Why is this ever served raw. Why?!?!?

  20. 0

    You haven’t had pistachios fresh from the Middle East! They are amaaaaaaaazing. Your love for them would blossom like a new cactus flower in desert, and your respect would increase for them tenfold.

    I am so with you on avocados though. Do you know they are related to bananas? Bananas are somehow 2328197893479000 times tastier.

  21. 0

    The most disgusting food I’ve ever seen is avocado with an egg cooked in the middle of it, which basically everyone was raving about a little while back. Avocado is bad enough raw, but cooked?! Puke.

    Also I have a friend who doesn’t like cheese. Not allergic to it, just doesn’t like it. I’m actually not sure why we’re still friends.

  22. 0

    I agree coconuts, sushi, raw onion, and avocados are disgusting! I can’t stand them.
    But pistachios are amazing in my opinion. I don’t really eat them just as they are though. My favorite thing to do with them is saute them with garlic and black pepper in olive oil and then put it on bow tie pasta with lots of romano cheese. SO GOOD!

  23. 0

    I find the opening statement of your article both offensive and repellent. While you may not agree that people should boycott brands that “are responsible for the world’s sadness or whatever”, your incredibly blasé attitude towards other people’s suffering is, quite frankly, shameful.

    Most cocoa farmers cannot afford to feed their families as big brands do not pay them enough to even cover their costs. Buy Fairtrade chocolate instead.

    Same goes for banana producers, but add an extremely damaging cocktail of chemical pesticides to the mix and you have a farming population with very poor health, just so we can have cheaper bananas. Again, look for fairtrade or organic.

    Final example, palm oil, which companies are destroying vast swathes of the rainforest, endangering thousands of species, including the orangutang and the Sumatran tiger. This is found in a huge number of cosmetic and food products, when there are viable alternatives. Check the label.

    I have no problem with the premise or content of this article, but please think before you so easily brush off the suffering of others for a cheap laugh. I’d like to think that you, and the rest of the editorial team, are better than that.

  24. 0

    I can MAYBE level with you on the coconut flakes thing, but the rest of these things are all delicious and things I eat regularly.

  25. 0

    I was almost agreeing with everything on the list i mean coconut flakes are disgusting and the reason why i don’t like coconut, and why do people eat raw onions the world will never know, but then i got to number 1 Avocados and I lost it nope nope second time in less then 48 hrs that i hear/read people don’t like avocados what is the world coming to, jk, no but have you had the right guacamole tho cause not everyone can get it right. I think i need to go read 33 ways to eat avocado to feel better now.

  26. 0

    I like all of these, but am really happy some people don’t like avocados. I imagine it would mean that when I gorge myself at family gatherings/other functions, there is some guacamole left for me. But since I am from Texas, I have never met anyone who doesn’t like avocados, except one high school friend who was originally from Kansas. The problem might be that if you don’t know how to check when they are ripe, you get nasty tasteless hard stuff or a nasty overripe mess.

    I’m not sure how someone can not like raw fish. Visit the Nordic countries, and they’ll teach you to put raw salmon on everything and enjoy it!

  27. 0

    Late at night I like to eat cheese and slices of raw onion, sometimes with capers, and that makes mentioning I’m single a little redundant, doesn’t it.

  28. 0

    Ummm…all of those are adorbs – well for grainy coconut stuff i don’t know much uses (routinely relying on coconut milk powder though) but i like Bounty choccies – so there. And especially sushi, philistines. Sushi = the other most excellent way how to end up with fishy fingers. There is not enough of it in sodding bento boxes so got to make it myself, without silly cooked fish adaptations too.

  29. 0

    I agree with the avocados 10000000000%. I don’t understand how they became so popular, because they’re just a slab of mushy nothingness that is pointless in my food.

  30. 0

    Onions actually ruin the taste of everything in it. I hate them with a fiery passion. I also dislike sushi/any fish, avocados i am “meh” on, pistachios are ok, though i never eat them. Coconut flavor is second in line in ruining tastes, next to onions.

  31. 0

    You’ve basically just written my next grocery list. Gonna make trail mix cookies and extra spicy guacamole.

    The Evil Foods in my world are broccoli (honestly, this whole list could be broccoli), bananas, surprise beans in burritos, mushy peas (fuck you and get away from my fries), and ketchup (fuck you and stop pretending to be sad British salsa).

  32. 0

    so basically you’re suggesting that I starve to death?

    Come ON. Without absurdly green fatty foods I would be nowhere. LITERALLY NOWHERE.

    LITERALLY.

  33. 0

    Sushi and avocados are disgusting, but I love coconut flakes and raw onions, and I’m indifferent to pistachios. So I think that all basically cancels out in the end and this post doesn’t actually exist.

  34. 0

    Onions are the devil’s food, they’re made of pure evil and suffering. And avocados/guacamole are of the devil’s lieutenants in ruining otherwise perfectly good food.

  35. 0

    I 100% disagree with this entire article(no really, I love all of these things) but I love this anyway. Made me laugh.

  36. 0

    This is how I feel about veggie patties. You want to eat tofu, eat tofu. Don’t call it chicken.

    I do like sushi though. But I’ll now be on guard for any that has fucking cream cheese in it. Shudder.

  37. 0

    Surprisingly, I only hate you for the middle three, which i feel weird about because people go BONKERS when I suggest that coconuts/avocado are overrated.

    (Also sorry about the icon, I put it up back when beaker faces were the anon default icon, and I thought i could use it when i came across a random anon hater so it would look like beaker was arguing with himself. Whomp-whomp.)

  38. 0

    I can back you up on coconuts and onions, but pistachios and avocados? I ate both of them today so…that would be a little hypocritical…

  39. 0

    LOL. I love all of these with a passion and probably eat them daily but very cool to speak out against them. I have two friends who adamantly HATE onions and I support them totally. But, kind have a confession, and I do feel really guilty, I have been feeding them onions for years, they have raved about my food though, and never noticed or got sick and always really raved about the food. I just liquify them and use so many good spices and seasonings. Whew!

  40. 0

    It is not a sandwich, burger, pizza, salad and any number of amazeballs food items without raw onions. But white onion, or red, maybe even vidalia please. Not yellow onions. THE BURNING OH THE BURNING.

    My grandfather got me to eat raw onions when I was very young visiting Poland with my mother. We used to eat open-faced sandwiches with butter, fresh tomatoes from their garden, salt and pepper, and very carefully diced white onion. Heaven.

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