Everyone is Gay, Study Finds: That Includes Your Mom BTW

A new study released this morning revealed that everyone is gay. When judged on a six-by-nine-point sliding scale mixing Marxist & Kinseyan techniques and analyzed against evidence from several longitudinal studies, Dr. Janet Jameson stated, “I always had a feeling about Ellen Page.”

“I told you my Mom was gay,” said an Intern. “Nice infographics,” she added.

Reactions from around the web:

+ Queerty: Hey Obama, If Everyone is Gay, Does That Mean Everyone isn’t Straight?: And how Obama and Joe Solomnese knew before you did.
+ ONTD: This is a Zac Efron Post
+ Zap2it: Everyone Has a Lesbian Lover: Hot Lesbian Fling Confession from Reality Star: “Everyone told an unnamed source today that everyone and their same-sex best friend were seen ‘canoodling’ at hot West Hollywood nightclub BEAVERBLASTER. “They’ve been intimate for a long time,’ said a close friend. ‘Like a really long time’.”
+ Perez Hilton: Anderson Cooper and His Butt-Buddy OUT OUT OUT!
+ Dorothy Snarker has a special “Everyone is Gay Day” version of Straight Girls Acting Like Gay Girls Tribute to Tank Tops.
+ Grace Goldstien at Grace the Spot has Stuff Everyone Likes: Lesbians.
+ Jezebel: Can Women’s Mags Survive Without Straight Men? “We know women airbrush women for the sake of other women, but without 50 New Ways to Blow His Mind via His Scrotum, will Cosmo finally land itself in the magazine graveyard? And will the land left behind by that bonfire of Clinique Happy samples oozing from Cosmo’s cum-soaked pages be liveable?”
+ Afterellen has published four gigantic photographs on the same page, accompanied by three short sentences and a link at the bottom to pages 2-4.
+ YourTango: We Don’t Really Know What To Talk About Now
+ Curve Magazine, cover story: “HELLO LADIES”
+ SheWired: Jill Bennett & Cathy DeBouno will be livecasting on the topic “Everyone is Gay” some time between now and 8 or 9 PM, Eastern or Pacific time, next Thursday-ish. Jill will be wearing a tank top. So just sit in front of your computer and wait for it.

So ladies, let’s get back to talking about you and your feelings, and other things we think are funny. mememememe. youyouyouyou. Do you think everyone is gay? Is this good science, bad science, or WEIRD SCIENCE? Will this change your relationship with your parents? Now that you can have any woman you want, how’s your default girlfriend lookin’? Are you gonna call your straight best friend now that you know she’s not straight? Is your ex-boyfriend making weird jokes about buttsex that seem slightly homophobic? GLAAD ALERT! (@huffpo)

A lesbian was appointed to head of the Spring Walk-a-thon committee at a small school in the middle of Nebraska. This is the first time a deaf, Asian-American female lezzy lezzz lezbian has been assigned to a sub-leadership in a Greater Lincoln Area Township municipal educational elementary school party planning committee. But since everyone is gay now, it really doesn’t matter. (@nowhereseville)

Late last night, your ex-girlfriend told Nerve.com, “She was the best thing that ever happened to me. I don’t think I’ll ever be happy without her. My new girlfriend is bad at fingerblasting and she’s always like, Oh, the internet just isn’t my thing to make me feel bad about being on it. Like right now, she just said it. GOD I hate it when she does this! GOD!!” (@nerve)

Ke$ha’s Singing is “Awesome,” Taio Cruz says. (@mtv news)

Constance McMillen has decided not to go to prom. When asked for comment, Constance replied, “I just didn’t feel like it.” Constance and her girlfriend say they plan to rent Saving Face, a recommendation from a close friend, and have Breakfast for Dinner. (@latimes)

Yeah you do! You must have a unique voice, heaps of free time, and a slavish devotion to lofty ideals. Please send a resumè, three story ideas, and a letter explaining why the hell you want to do this to sarah and/or green at autostraddle dot com and we’ll get back to you by Labor Day.

The last thing we need is another white girl from Long Island or a similar state/country, so if that describes you and you’re still going to apply anyhow, the following stricter conditions apply:

– Personality that pops right off the page into our m*therfucking mouths
– You know HTML maybe even better than english
– Your spelling skills exceed our ‘editor’-in-chief’s by at least 75%
– You have no pre-existing conditions which might make you prone to failing out of school, having a mental breakdown or sending us completed articles as Microsoft Word attachments.***

(*** This only applies to people who have already been working for us for several months who, against orders, send us articles in word attachments instead of putting it into wordpress or a text-edit document in HTML, not to applicants or friends or anyone else)

– You should be free of any sort of social anxiety which may prevent you from calling a famous person or a famous person’s intern.
– The idea of e-mailing a stranger should not give you hives, sweats, or require time in excess of 20 minutes or consuming more than two illegal substances at the same time.

Also though you can try emailing Taylor, she’s still really earnest about it so your chances are better that way. (@autostraddle)

Nothing. Where are these guys? I feel like no one puts baby powder in their shoes anymore these days. I hear Obama is guesting on Glee. They’re gonna do God Bless America on crutches. Though I guess now that everyone is gay, maybe Glee will seem repetitive.

Justin Bieber and Adam Lambert will be headlining a music festival called “Wango Tango.” Actually, this one is also real. (@allhealdinenews)

We’re all going to Dinah Shore tomorrow. There will be a liveblog. Like most of the people that work here? Riese, Alex, Laneia, Sarah, Tess, Brooke, Taylor, Jess, Nat and Kelsey will all be in Palm Springs, California, where we’ll be live-blogging via our temporary editor-in-chief, Rachel, who was actually an intern until a few weeks ago. The fact that we are all going to Dinah Shore probably seems like the biggest joke of all the jokes in this daily fix, b/c we are not like super “social” people. But no, it’s real! We’re really going! Waa!

Brooke is defo going to make me delete this in the morning! Tally-ho!

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!


Riese is the 41-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3178 articles for us.


  1. ms word attachments! people i work with send me word attachments all the time. they also FAX me things. so I don’t know what year/century/world they think this is exactly, but I don’t like it.

    • I just sent an email to someone at AS in ms doc format. I now feel like an the biggest idiot. I didn’t attach it but it was in ms word format. I also have to fax things all the time at my job.

      Someone enlighten me…. What else is there?

      • Technologically uninformed unite!

        I find coming from, and still living in, a small “horse-shaped” anachronism to be a mostly entertaining experience. When it stops being funny (and starts getting real) is when I realize that it runs even deeper than I thought… like, I’m aware that Power Point presentations are looked down on and giggled at but I don’t really know how the cool people/countries are doing it so I just hold my head up high whenever I have to .ppt(x) the shit out of a school assignment. But I was completely unaware of Word attachments being a thing from the past, at first I even thought it was part of the joke. How are you people getting things done? What’s next? Is handing out Excel graphics of how you rank your professional/relationship/personal interests and priorities to women at raves not fetch anymore? Wait… don’t tell me, I rather live a lie for a couple more years.

        I feel so third worldy (¿developing countryish?) and left behind… I may just go and masturbate thinking about the hosts of Nubeluz

        I hope the Beeper King was right when he said that “technology is cyclical” because that would mean we’re actually ahead… old school is coming back soon and we have all the faxes and, it was recently pointed out to me by a visiting US cousin, all the “mom phones”!

        (And yes, I purposely set out to find an unflattering CR map but, no, it was not difficult to do)

        • See I thought I was a pretty ‘with it’ person. I don;t make my fan videos with movie maker. I don’t crop photos in Microsoft Paint. I know powerpoints are kind of scoffed at but I recently got paid to put together two presentations for people. But how else do you do word processing without Microsoft Word or Corel Word Perfect? Is there something beyond a spreadsheet? I need to know, ASAP

          • I also thought I was a somewhat ‘with it’ person. I felt even better because I thought I was a ‘with it’ person in an adorably ‘without most of it’ country. Now I’m not even sure I know/have ever known/will ever be able to know what ‘it’ actually means.

            I enjoy having this conversation with our usernames Comic Sansed, it feels incredibly right!

          • oh no, that MS word comment only applies to people who have been working for us for several weeks but somehow missed the “no word attachments” memo we sent out five times. Basically I’m talking about Katrina and Natalie.

          • I genuinely didn’t mean it that way.

            And more importantly, I don’t really have an excuse…. I’m just a sad human being and I like using my country as one because it’s convenient. ;)

            (If you figure out what the ‘with it’ crowd is attaching, let me know!)

        • OH.MY.GAGA. You’re from Costa Rica? Or is this some kind of joke? All of a sudden, I don’t feel so alone in the “Central American Switzerland” (lame enough, yeah, that’s what we call our own country).

        • PS. Adorable Barrantes pic, really. And I don’t know in what country you live in but the people in my major in my uni can use CS4, Maya, CSS and HTML… come to our “technologically informed” bubble! Everyone’s invited. Everyone’s gay.

      • Pages mayhaps? Open Office? Or google doc? Or just HTML? Idk, these are alternative but I didn’t know there was a hirearchy of email meathods. I like emailing resumes and other important shit in word because it’s easier to print. Instant formatting yo.

      • oops. i feel like an asshole. i am so NOT with it. i just saw some soldarity in the april fool’s ms word thing b/c i deal with like 1500 REALLY BORING emails/faxes/documents a day and prefer html/plain text over word and email over fax and if someone HAS to attach i really prefer it to be in pdf, but that has nothing to do with anything and keep doing what you’re doing world.

        • Your solidarity bred some self-consciousness but it also bred counter-solidarity, so some of us got to share our latent being-without-it anxieties! And then we saw the *** and were able to resume with our lives and sleep calmly. So, it’s all good.

    • What really shits me is when people put MS Word documents ON THE DAMN INTERNET. Hello, you can get PDF writers for cheap or free! They don’t have to be from ebil Adobe, either!

  2. That afterellen dig was SCATHING. But, like everything else in this fix, totally true.

    • ohh haha i hope it wasn’t too scathing! they’re our friends and we like them so you know, it’s all in good fun b/c we make fun of our friends. i don’t have a lot of friends though. not that i necessarily wrote all or any of this post, i am just saying on behalf of the royal we. hypothetically.

      • That and the SheWired one had me in stitches. They were HILARIOUS. (And true, and I don’t think mean.)

        But then I couldn’t really explain to my straight co-workers what was so funny because it’s just something you have to have experienced.

        Also, I remembered the jokes about comic sans and rainbow colors from ages ago so when they got on the office computer and started laughing at the google maps in 3D thing I realized it was time and shouted “OMG GO TO AUTOSTRADDLE!” So glad to see the comic sans joke followed through.

  3. Wow, did I really just read this article twice in confusion? I mean I knew it was a joke, but I seriously took me two read throughs to understand WHY… I should not be up and on the internet at 7am, especially when I so easily forget dates.

  4. I am ashamed by the amount of time it took for me to realize what was going on here. I’ll believe anything at 8 am pre-caffeine.

    • haha, I concur. Nothing like waking up to everyone being gay, a little nip picture, and some gonzo before the coffee kicks in.

  5. I just read it as a funny article too and didn’t twig, oh and its gone 3pm here, so I’m completely at a lost for a plausible excuse, ahem!! Perhaps I should switch to caffeinated coffee instead of decaf.
    I’m just gonna go and crawl back under my rock of oblivion now.

  6. Haha, nice, this article is brilliant, fair play! And I can back up the everybody is gay thing. I conducted a completely scientific study last night in a gay bar and I asked 6 people were they gay and they all said yes! Therefore, I can conclude from this science that everyone in Ireland and consequently the world is a homo. It was like this study-> http://www.autostraddle.com/gay-poll-29542/ except better obv. You cant argue with science!

  7. I really like the way the site looks today. Comic Sans is a big improvement. It just gives everything a fun edge, y’know? Glad to see you people are finally getting your shit together w/r/t design.

    • the font is actually really stressing me out. i had to go out and buy more whiskey as soon as i saw it. comic sans needs to die a death of some sort, after april fools day (of course).

      • oh god same here. its brilliant but making me so sad. and also thankful for the rest of the year awesome design!

      • After the initial comic sans amusement wore off, my geek defenses kicked in, and I installed a greasemonkey script to change it.

        Comic sans is like the clown of the typeface world: it appears all happy and smiley on the surface, but you know that underneath lurks the psychotic madness to cause murder.

  8. When I read “Cosmo’s cum-soaked pages…” I cringed head to toe. ick.

    I tried refreshing the notPerez link about 4 times thinking it was this shitty college wireless connection, until I realized what was going on. I love autostraddle.

    WOOO REPRESENTING NEBRASKA!! I can’t seem to find anything else out about that story, though. Anyone know what town it all took place in?


    This is all lols. I totally thought the MTV Ke$ha story was a joke as well, until I relised that it was actually written yesterday.

    And I always knew my table was a flaming homo.

    • mine, too. my first clue was when it got super attached to its table skirt, then it kept insisting i put out fancy cheeses.

  10. When judged on a six-by-nine-point sliding scale mixing Marxist & Kinseyan techniques and analyzed against evidence from several longitudinal studies, Dr. Janet Jameson stated, “I always had a feeling about Ellen Page.”


  11. because i never actually know what day it is, i spent the first two paragraphs thinking, “it’s finally come to this.”

    afterellen muppets made me lol for real out loud :)

  12. Pingback: 10 Greatest April Fool’s Day Hoaxes | Gearone.in


    I want gay tables. I really do.

    <3 Heart you genius ladies so very much.

  14. I was at a cast party a couple years ago, and there was this awkward girl…she was ridiculously high apparently, and she was sneaking around the house with a label maker making labels that said “EVERYONE IS GAY EVERYONE IS GAY EVERYONE IS”
    She continues to inspire me to this day.

  15. i missed the comic sans but luckily this will be up forever and i can return when i need a laugh.

  16. I am a big believer in the everyone is gay theory. “straight” isn’t the opposite of gay- it’s just one side of the spectrum.

    ex.: when I started at my college in the fall, there was a girl in a few of my classes who I may have referred to as “girl with the perfect face”. I’m bad with names. I really wanted her to be gay, but all her friends were like “nah, she’s really sosososo straight, she’s been dating the same guy for a while. Then she broke up with him for a girl in the crew team and they’re super in love and they were mud wrestling in the middle of the night a few days ago.

    everyone’s a little gay, so go for it.

  17. I completely support the no-linking-to-Perez Ordinance issued by Riese. On another note- I’m really just testing out my gravatar.

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