Every Current Lesbian/Bisexual TV Character, Ranked By U-Hauling Potential

The lull between summer TV season and fall TV season is a good time to evaluate where we are on television, in terms of queer female representation. As Autostraddle CEO + Editor-in-Chief Riese mentioned last week, we’re moving away from counting gay characters now; it’s time to talk about quality, not quantity. So while we await new episodes of our favorite regular season shows, we thought it would be a good time to address the thing you really care about: Which lesbian/bisexual TV characters would be the best to U-Haul with? And so we’ve evaluated every major recurring lesbian/bi character that currently has a place on American television and ranked them in order of Most U-Hauling Potential to Least U-Hauling Potential!


Off limits: Stef and Lena, The Fosters

STEFLENA

Sorry, they belong together forever; you’re not invited.


Off limits: Nomi and Amanita, Sense8

uhaul-sense8

They’re too in love to ever U-Haul with anyone but each other.


46. Sara Harvey, Pretty Little Liars

shutterstock_82763425

Pros: None.
Cons: Literally the most boring human being on earth. Takes too many showers.


45. Piper Chapman, Orange Is the New Black

laura-piper

Pros: Good at crafty, Pinterest-style home decorating projects.
Cons: Is a narcissistic abyss of Slytherin schemes and unquenchable insecurities.


44. Tituba, Salem

tituba

Pros: V. skilled in magic, could whip up healing potions, etc. in a snap if you’re feeling under the weather.
Cons: Worships the literal devil and would always be doing murder around the house and leaving blood and guts everywhere.


43. Barbara Kean, Gotham

uhaul-babs

Pros: Knows Batman.
Cons: Is a manipulative psychopath with no qualms about killing even her own family. Wouldn’t be able to spend much time together as she now resides in Arkham Asylum.


42. Rose, Jane the Virgin

uhaul-rose

Pros: Really hard worker, master entrepreneur; making rent would never be a problem. Interested in having sex in new and exciting places.
Cons: Deals drugs, kidnaps babies.


41. Tara, The Walking Dead

uhaul-tara

Pros: Loyal, savvy, strong will to survive.
Cons: Too much exposure to the zombie apocalypse, would need lengthy period of re-socialization, similar to a feral cat.


40. Audrey, Scream

uhaul-audrey

Pros: Would stay up all night watching old movies with you and discussing themes of sexism, homophobia, etc.
Cons: Potentially would murder you, as she potentially did to her first girlfriend and others.


39. Faith, UnREAL

uhaul-unreal

Pros: Sweet, really looking to take things to the next commitment level no matter what it takes.
Cons: Will be suffering from reality TV PTSD for the rest of her life.


38. Reagan, Faking It

uhaul-reagan

Pros: Fun! Loyal! Really willing to get in it with you and help you work through your stuff and love your family even though they make her crazy.
Cons: Believes her own singular anecdotal experience of dating a bisexual woman who left her for a man is universal, never wants you to ever have even looked longingly at another human before you met her.


37. Emily Fields, Pretty Little Liars

uhaul-emily

Pros: Lots of lived experiences, plenty of stories to share. Pretty good at cooking. Deep, deep empathy for everything you’re going through at all times.
Cons: You’ll be murdered for absolute sure.


36. Shay, Orphan Black

uhaul-shay

Pros: Willing to take on all your significant baggage, into romantic gestures like bringing you breakfast in bed, basically a living ASMR video.
Cons: But like do you really know her? Do you?


35. Lena, Ray Donovan

uhaul-ray

Pros: Is Shane 2.0.
Cons: Is Shane 2.0.


34. Nicky Nichols, Orange Is the New Black

uhaul-nicky

Pros: Will always make you laugh, even in her most nihilistic spirals. Sees through the bullshit to the heart of things.
Cons: In perpetual Self-Destruct mode.


33. Sameen Shaw, Person of Interest

uhaul-shaw

Pros: Willing to take a literal bullet for you. V. tech savvy, could figure out how to get all the remotes to work with just one remote.
Cons: Occasional psychotic tendencies.


32. Lt. Alisha Granderson, The Last Ship

unhaul-lastship

Pros: A smart, hard worker with a golden soul.
Cons: Lives on a spaceship a billion lightyears away.


31. Delphine, Orphan Black

uhaul-delphine

Pros: If you’ve got a problem, yo, she’s solved it. Like waking up next to a puppy every morning. Actual genius human, would talk you down every time you self-diagnosed cancer after visiting Web MD.
Cons: Potentially is dead, you might have to U-Haul with her ghost.


30. Lexa, The 100

uhaul-lexa

Pros: Resourceful, probably could make dinner out of just some crackers and one condiment. Good at looking at the big picture. Enjoys a good give-and-take.
Cons: Is pretty sure love is a weakness, slave to justice.


29. Alex Vause, Orange Is the New Black

uhaul-alex

Pros: All overshadowed by letting Piper Chapman ruin her life on repeat.
Cons: Has also ruined Piper Chapman’s life on repeat.


28. Karma, Faking It

uhaul-karma

Pros: When she gets you, she gets you. When she loves you, she loves you.
Cons: Paralyzing inability to make up her mind, inexplicable fondness for one-dimensional straight white oafish man-children.


27. Nyssa al Ghul, Arrow

uhaul-nyssa

Pros: You’ll be safe here.
Cons: Her family is a real piece of work.


26. Luisa Alver, Jane the Virgin

uhaul-luisa

Pros: Loyal and compassionate, super smart and super rich(!).
Cons: Dating a MMA fighter who could destroy you, hasn’t quite conquered her addictive tendencies yet.


25. Big Boo, Orange Is the New Black

uhaul-big-boo

Pros: Will go to war for you, can stretch a penny for a mile, not afraid of some sexual experimentation.
Cons: Actually kind of likes going to war?


24. Alison DiLaurentis, Pretty Little Liars

uhaul-ali

Pros: Has several billion dollars stashed away in various hidey-holes. Has a pilot’s license which will make for easy weekend getaways. Can hold her breath for hours. Knows at least one real witch.
Cons: Lives in a graveyard, potentially suffering from having her brain completely wiped clean.


23. Madame Vastra, Doctor Who

uhaul-vastra

Pros: Always up for an adventure, not scared of any bumps in the night or bugs or anything like that.
Cons: Not really good at knowing what hurts a human lady’s feelings.


22. Root, Person of Interest

uhaul-root

Pros: Once you have her heart, it is yours forever. V. good with computer things, could deal with all your wireless router troubles without blowing a gasket.
Cons: Hot-tempered a little bit, likes killing a little bit also.


21. Bo Dennis, Lost Girl

uhaul-bo

Pros: Doesn’t mind gettin’ into a little trouble.
Cons: Is always gettin’ into trouble.


20. Tiana, Empire

uhaul-tiana

Pros: Would fill your house with the most beautiful music from her own personal vocal chords! Friends with Cookie Lyon!
Cons: Hakeem up in your business forever.


19. Clarke, The 100

uhaul-clarke

Pros: Believes in your power, will never leave you behind to save herself if your apartment catches on fire, thrifty, good at medicine things, good at looking on the bright side even in the most dire circumstances.
Cons: Kind of also thinks love is a weakness.


18. M-Chuck, Survivor’s Remorse

uhaul-mchuck

Pros: Loves to laugh, steadfast and true in her love for you, will not tolerate homophobic bullying, up for making out in church even.
Cons: Really, really wrapped up in her family’s drama.


17. Betty, Masters of Sex

uhaul-betty

Pros: Like living with Luna Lovegood, kind of.
Cons: Her boss is the worst and she has a hard time leaving her work at work.


16. Amy, Faking It

uhaul-amy

Pros: Loves deeply and foreverly, a perfect mix of sweetness and sass.
Cons: Probably never going to be over falling for her best friend in high school, to be honest.


15. Suzanne, Orange Is the New Black

uhaul-suzanne

Pros: You’ll never need to spend money on books; she’ll write a whole library for you. Really likes to keep things tidy, doesn’t mind doing the hard housework. Her wisdom will blow you away probably every day.
Cons: Startled by intimacy, weirdly over-involved parents.


14. Cosima Niehuas, Orphan Black

uhaul-cosima

Pros: Probably could invent a robot to do all the cooking and cleaning. Will go on ice cream runs in the middle of the night. Her smile would be your alarm clock, like the sun gently waking you up to begin each new day.
Cons: She’s been dying for a while.


13. Abby Isaacs, Manhattan

uhaul-abby

Pros: An ardent, devoted companion; ready and willing to try all kinds of new lesbian things she’s never tried before; just wants to make a happy home for you.
Cons: Married to a guy building an atomic bomb.


12. Arizona Robbins, Grey’s Anatomy

uhaul-arizona

Pros: Failed first marriage has given her some perspective about what’s important in life. Really wants a comfortable, happy home. Very good with kids and probably pets also.
Cons: A little bit blame-y about things that aren’t your fault, workaholic.


11. Sophia, Orange Is the New Black

uhaul-sophia

Pros: A hard worker who likes to laugh and also have deep discussions, willing to go the extra hundred miles for people she loves, unwilling to compromise on her principles. Just wants a quiet life with the people she loves most.
Cons: Love sometimes blinds her.


10. Brenna, Chasing Life

uhaul-brenna

Pros: Has Her Shit Together, knows what’s important in life, stands up for what’s right even if it’s not popular.
Cons: Her (very valid) fear of losing the things she loves might make her a little clingy.


9. Tamsin, Lost Girl

uhaul-tamsin

Pros: Loves with a love that lasts forever, and she should know because she’s immortal. All the best qualities of all the best roommates you’ve ever had.
Cons: Sometimes has to travel to hell for extended periods of time for work.


8. Soso, Orange Is the New Black

uhaul-soso

Pros: Knows what she wants out of life now, treasures the moments that matter, ready to make a life with someone who deserves her.
Cons: Impulsive, occasionally gets pulled into a cult.


7. Gail Peck, Rookie Blue

uhaul-gail

Pros: She’s got a good career and a good heart and she’s done playing the game. She’s ready to settle down, start a family even.
Cons: 100 times out of 100, she chooses to listen to her gut instead of her brain.


6. Paige McCullers, Pretty Little Liars

uhaul-paige

Pros: Wants to spend time nesting but also hitting up diners and eating all the donuts, has looked into the abyss and survived, so loyal the Sorting Hat placed her in Gryffindor before it even landed on her head, forgives easily because she knows what it’s like to need forgiveness.
Cons: Sometimes she tries so hard she breaks things.


5. Maggie, Younger

uhaul-maggie

Pros: A driven, successful artist with a hella nice rent controlled loft in Bushwick. Is cool going out or staying in, it’s up to you really.
Cons: Everyone in Bushwick drives unicycles now.


4. Callie Torres, Grey’s Anatomy

uhaul-callie

Pros: She’s not messing around anymore. She knows what she can and cannot live without, and she’s going to get it. When she says she’s there for you, she’s there for you.
Cons: A bad luck cloud follows her around like she’s Charlie Brown.


3. Lauren Lewis, Lost Girl

uhaul-lauren

Pros: Selfless, nurturing, adorable, whip-smart, superheroic, Canadian.
Cons: Not very good at saying no when her ex-girlfriend is in trouble. (Her ex-girlfriend is always in trouble.)


2. Jenny, Doctor Who

uhaul-jenny

Pros: She cooks, cleans, loves to makeout, makes you laugh, holds you when you cry, and also is a time-traveling kick-ass ninja-woman who errs on the side of misandry and will not stand for oppression or injustice!
Cons: Dies sometimes for just a little while.


1. Poussey Washington, Orange Is the New Black

uhaul-poussey

Pros: She’s perfect.
Cons: None.


We’re eager to hear your opinions on our opinions on this subject.


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Heather Hogan is an Autostraddle senior editor who lives in New York City with her partner, Stacy, and their cackle of rescued pets. You can also find her on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Tumblr.

Heather has written 547 articles for us.

145 Comments

  1. This is a really fun list! I wish, though, that so many of the cons weren’t using ableist (anti-disability) metaphorical language (like “paralyzed” when that isn’t what is meant in a literal sense) and rooted ableist logic (like psychosis=bad).

    • Thanks for pointing this out, I was distracted a few times by albeist moments in an otherwise hilarious/brilliant post. I especially noticed the comment about Sophia being “blinded” by love. Ableist terminologies/metaphors are pervasive and normativized, unfortunately.

  2. Hoooooow is freaking Soso this high up on the list and Delphine is #31? Opinion: Delphine, wanted, dead or alive. (#1, at least, is pretty much indisputable.)

    Also: Brenna. Could somebody please find me a Brenna who is about a decade older so I can remove from the equation the uncomfortable feelings that just led me to google how old Haley Ramm is? So pretty, and yet so playing a high school student.

  3. I don’t know who most of these people are but this is still the perfect queer girl top trumps situation that I never realised was missing from my life until now. Thank you, Autostraddle.

    I might also dispute Soso’s high ranking but I saw no.1 and thought “amen”

    • On the one hand, I am kinda expecting that to no longer be a thing next season now that Soso’s around her. On the other hand, I really hope that the writers don’t portray things as if having an awesome girlfriend suddenly makes someone’s addiction disappear b/c that’s totally f*cked up.

  4. Glad that Paige McCullers is on this list. Tries too hard that she breaks things. LIKES MY HEART WHEN SHE SAYS GOODBYE!

    But Number 1 deserves to be Number 1. Poussey Washington had to be Number 1 when I saw this list.

  5. 1. This is amazing!
    2. Poussey is perfect. BUT She’s like the only person in Litchfield whose crime hasn’t been revealed yet, so her perfection feels a little bit like a setup?
    3. Karma above Lexa? You wound me.
    4. I really appreciate how chill you are about lowkey murderous tendencies. Really the only changes I would make to the list would be to rank the murderers EVEN higher, but that might be a personal problem.

  6. While Poussey absolutely deserves the top spot on this list, one con for her is that you wouldn’t actually be able to uHaul with her until she gets out of prison in a few years. But I think we’d all agree that waiting a few years for Poussey would be totally worth it.

    Also, at first I was like “Why is Shaw so far down on this list!?” And then I remembered: Axis II personality disorder. Gets her kicks by shooting people. Doesn’t do feelings. Will very likely murder you if you try to share her food. Probably brainwashed by an evil ASI. But who cares about a little sociopathy, right?

  7. My one and only criterion for U-Hauling:
    Will she kill the Spider?
    1.Root:Yes, afterwards, there’ll be a lasernet criss crossing the ceiling.
    2.Shaw:Yes. There will be very precise bulletholes in the walls, but whatever.
    3.Lexa:Yes.Spiders sliced apart in a swordly fashion.
    4.Vause:Will stomp onto spider with her Doc Martens to apologize after she’s realized they’re rather useful.
    5.Clarke: Suffocates spiders in a glass with toxic fumes.
    6.Poussey:Traps them without taking them outside.
    7.Bo: Will make out sleep with the spider, it still dies.
    8.Dr.Lauren:Will trap and keep it, to study it and find it fascinating.
    9.Amy:Is hiding with in the hallway with me.
    10.Arizona:Will trap it and take it outside with a smile and then cuddle up with a kiss and ask if you’re all right.
    I’ll move in with Dr.Robbins, thank you very much.Or Root. Not gonna lie.

    • Well, now, I am hardcore Hufflepuff, through and through, so I mean no offense, but loyalty doesn’t belong only to Hufflepuff, just because the Sorting Hat named it as one of Hufflepuff’s qualities. Right, because there were more Gryffindors than any other house at the Battle of Hogwarts. (Obviously Hufflepuff was next!) And more Gryffindors in Dumbledore’s Army. You know, and remember when Dumbledore said to Snape in Deathly Hallows “Sometimes I think we sort too soon,” indicating that he thought Snape should have probably been in Gryffindor? JK Rowling, when she named the qualities that made Snape heroic, after the book, when talking about that scene, she said: “He loved, and showed loyalty to that love, and, ultimately, laid down his life because of it. That’s pretty heroic!” So, you know, it’s a very Gryffindor quality too. 🙂

    • Meh. I spent half of Lword wondering how jenny was murdered and shane was not. I think I would have preferred shane being murdered and jenny being the primary suspect. But what evs. I am ok being in the unpopular opinion group.

  8. With 3 total in the top 10, including 2 in the top 5 and the #1 draft pick overall- the main thing I learned from this list is that I have EXCELLENT tastes in TV girlfriends 🙂

    (I also have no idea who Tituba is as I’ve never seen “Salem” before, but she’s super beautiful! )

  9. Why are so many of these characters named after Buffy characters? (Okay, so it’s two of them. But I’m pretty sure more than 96% of the world population wasn’t on Buffy, so it’s still high.)

    Also, Vastra is canonically good at oral.

  10. This was so, so wonderful! Omg, yes, I totally was waiting for Poussey the whole time, she is my forever bebe. Also, Charlie from Supernatural should have been here. Yes, she is dead now, but another girl on the list was apparently a ghost, so that’s no excuse.

  11. Here’s to Heather having a plethora of amazing Native, South-East Asian and Middle-Eastern characters to choose from next time she endows us with her wonderful lists. Oh, and some more who are over 30 (characters as well as actors!!).
    At least there is road behind us as well as ahead of us. And Poussey leading the way with her million-watt smile…

  12. People can’t seriously think Piper is worse than murderers on other shows and orange is the new black right? I know it’s not real life but morals don’t have to go out of the window when you watch TV!

    • (a) T.V. land is a special land where morality is different. Reality is different. In real life, anyone alive is better than anyone dead. In television land, death is not always an obstacle.
      (b) Piper has like no redeeming qualities. Maybe good business sense with the underwear smuggling deal. But seriously, can you imagine living with her and not going crazy?
      Barbara Kean is probably worse though.

  13. Some of these ladies give me that awkward queer moment of do I like this girl, want to be her or already kinda are her?
    And at the same time at not awkward but still weird “we’d be a like super villain duo, isn’t that just glorious.”

    Poussey’s just too good for this world. She’s a lil’ cinnamon roll I’d eat her alive and enjoy every second of it.
    Tara’s basically the cinnamon roll of feral cat humans in need of re-socialization and I am one of those kinda still so…

    Oh the struggle of being a Ravenclaw/Slytherin hopelessly drawn to little Hufflepuffs/ Griffindors like a cat drawn to mouse. I can’t stick to my own kind because that’s bad for the balance of the universe, it’s a noble sacrifice. >D

    But Heather, Heatherrrrr how could I not see it before, Callie IS Charlie Brown! You pop culture genius, you.

  14. I’d SO U-Haul with Root. And Shaw. Cons be damned.

    (But we all know Tamsin from Lost Girl and Callie Torres are the most perfect U-Haul gal pals for pretty much anyone.)

  15. OK I know this article is old news but I honestly can’t believe the write-up for Shaw here. “Cons: Occasional psychotic tendencies” like really?????? Do you know how fucking cool and important it is to have a character like Sameen Shaw? A character who has a personality disorder and still gets to be complex and three dimensional, who has limited empathy and affect and still gets to be unquestionably heroic and moral and involved in the central romance narrative of the show? Do you know how super not funny and honestly really fucked up it is to reduce her to “Occasional psychotic tendencies”?

    Her con could literally be her *lack* of tech skills, because contrary to your description she types with two fingers and definitely couldn’t do any fancy remote hacks and in a world of AI apocalypses that’s not the greatest. But no, you had to go with something ableist instead.

  16. Okay but loyalty is a Hufflepuff trait actually? Like yeah the geeky references are cute and seeing anything Potter brings a sparkle to my eye, but if you’re going to throw in off-hand references to people according to Hogwarts Houses, please get the traits right? Fact-check your references please. Seriously took me right out of the article. Literally never are Gryffindors called loyal. Hufflepuffs though…

  17. I would move in with (almost) all of them, My top ten would be (in order):

    1.) Root aka. Samantha Grooves, aka. my latest obsession I mean Amy Acker is just too cute at first I was a total Shaw girl but Root just slowly crept into my heart <3

    2.) Tamsin, Okay I'll admit I watched Lost Girl because of hearing about Doccubus but when Tamsin came onto the show I just totally lost my heart to her!

    3.) Lexa, I dunno there was just something about her (i.e. her total bad-ass-ness lol) plus it counts that she's also very good looking.

    4.) Callie, Well Grey's Anatomy is where I saw my first Lesbian couple so it's not surprising I fell for Callie!! might have something to do with the fact that she's also a great singer though!

    5.) Shaw, Well I was a Shaw girl at one point haha, plus even though she's all badass and has a Axis II personality disorder, you can still see the care that she has for Root, it just shows that her capacity for love even if some people think it might not be much but for her… well it's a big deal!

    6.) Rose, Okay even though she's a big evil mastermind who could kill your family… I gotta admit that, I'm just VERY attracted to red heads, plus she's gotta be quite rich, right?

    7.) Arizona, I have admit I'm a sucker for those dimples, sure she's got a few issues but I can see that she's the kind of person who'd cheer me up on a rough day.

    8.) Clarke, She's just a great and kind person through and through, very dependable, the only reason she's not that high on my list is… I guess I'm just not that attracted to her haha.

    9.) Nyssa, Seems like the kind that would do anything for you once you capture her heart! Sure some small issues with her ex-lover who was dead but might not be so dead any more but… we can get over it… maybe….

    10.) Alex, Only reason she's last on my list is cause well she's kinda in jail again I don't see us moving in right away, but she is hot gotta give her that!

    Okay maybe not so in order, wow, that was harder than I thought it would be!! But yeah… Gimme Root any day!!!

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