Can you believe it’s been a whole year since The Emmys 2009? Well, it hasn’t been, actually. This year The Emmys are like three weeks early for reasons relating somehow to football. Regardless, the theme of this year’s Emmys is “radical liberal homosexuals control Hollywood, duh!” and the proof is in the pudding: if you want to earn an Emmy, you need to have gay people in your show. Also: HOLY CRAP THAT’S A LOT OF WHITE PEOPLE. I mean look at the white white whitey white whiteymcwhiterson faces! WAY TO GO TELEVISION, for Chrissake DIVERSIFY YOURSELF.
Watch The Emmys with us! Below you’ll find a periodically updated post reflecting the actions of the Emmy Awards ‘as they happen’ but I wouldn’t go so far as to call it a live-blog, because we don’t care THAT much.
We’re pretty sure AfterEllen stuffed the ballot box because all the ladies that gay ladies who like straight ladies liked were nominated, like everyone from 30 Rock. I don’t like straight girls because I don’t want to like people who don’t like me back. Does anyone else feel that way?
Oh hay Jane Lynch what’s up?
Best Comedy Series:
30 Rock, NBC – Dorothy Snarker and DJ Carlytron love this show, so it must be about gay people.
Curb Your Enthusiasm, HBO – Didn’t know this was still on the air, who cares NEXT.
Glee, Fox – Singing, dancing, homosexual characters, homosexual actors, we’ve been through this.
WIN! Modern Family, ABC – Actual gay couple with child.
Nurse Jackie, Showtime – Written by LESBIANS, has gay people.
The Office, NBC – Oscar is gay, Michael Scott has nothing against gay people.
Best Drama Series:
Breaking Bad, AMC – What the hell is this show even about? Idk.
Dexter, Showtime – Stars David Fisher from Six Feet Under, who was gay.
The Good Wife, CBS
Lost, ABC
WIN! Mad Men, AMC – I hear the people like this show.
Variety, Music or Comedy Series:
–>All of the nominees in this category work for the gay agenda.
The Colbert Report, Comedy Central
WIN! The Daily Show With Jon Stewart, Comedy Central
Real Time With Bill Maher, HBO
Saturday Night Live, NBC
The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien, NBC
Actor in a Comedy Series
WIN! Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory
Tony Shalhoub, Monk
Steve Carell, The Office
Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
Matthew Morrison, Glee
Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm
Actress in a Comedy Series
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, The New Adventures Of Old Christine – Wanda Sykes is on this show and Wanda Sykes is gay.
Lea Michele, Glee – I’m not saying that she’s gay or anything, because she definitely is not. La la lalalalalaalala #internattack
WIN! Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie – Nurse Jackie is written by a lesbian, so it’s basically a lesbian brain winning.
Tina Fey, 30 Rock – GGWLSG (Gay Girls Who Like Straight Girls) LOVE Tina Fey with a fervor and passion which, to be honest, I have never quite understood.
Toni Collette, United States Of Tara – Gay alter, gay son.
Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation – GGWLSG (Gay Girls Who Like Straight Girls) LOVE Amy Poehler.
Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series:
WIN! Jane Lynch, Glee
Julie Bowen, Modern Family
Kristin Wiig, Saturday Night Live
Jane Krakowski, 30 Rock
Sofia Vergara, Modern Family
Holland Taylor, Two And A Half Men – If she wins this, we’ll all know she’s really winning for her role as Helena Peabody in The L Word.
Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series:
[This is possibly the gayest group of nominated persons in the history of gayness, which as we all know, is the history of humanity. I know John Cyrer isn’t technically gay, but as I’ve said a million times before, Duckie and my Mom are basically twins and my Mom is a lesbian.]
Chris Colfer, Glee
Neil Patrick Harris, How I Met Your Mother
WIN! Eric Stonestreet, Modern Family
Ty Burrell, Modern Family
Jon Cryer, Two And A Half Men
Supporting Actress in a Drama Series
Rose Byrne, Damages
Sharon Gless, Burn Notice
WIN! Archie Panjabi, The Good Wife
Christine Baranski, The Good Wife
Christina Hendricks, Mad Men
Elisabeth Moss, Mad Men
This opening number is probably giving a lot of you emotional tremors because it combines Betty White, the entire cast of Glee, Sue Sylvester, that Tina Fey woman again, and other people on television programs.
Here’s a photo:
Eric Stonestreet plays a gay person on Modern Family but is not gay in real life, which is like playing a retarded person in a TV show or movie. Gilbert Grape Award. It’s really hard to act gay, they have to touch each other! He won an Emmy.
laneia: things that will never be funny: twitter jokes
Steven Levitan and Christopher Lloyd won an Emmy for writinga show that features two gay people and an adopted baby.
riese: it’s too bad lindsay lohan isn’t there
laneia: i was just thinking that?
JANE LYNCH WHO IS GAY won an Emmy for being in a show called Glee which has gay people in it, and she thanked her gay wife. I feel like this post will be good for SEO.
The Gilmore Girl’s Mom bombed a gay joke with Chandler Bing, and then a bunch of gay jokes happened in a row, too fast for us to know if they were offensive or not. UPDATE: Laneia liked it. Then Ryan Murphy won something for Glee and thanked his boyfriend which makes this the second gay partner thanked of the night.
Some more gay jokes, some more sex jokes, and people who are super grateful, it’s like Oliver Twist or something.
Mad Men wins something. Also Top Chef won something. Cutest Ashley Merriman? I like singing and dancing.
I think they are trying to be cool by telling ‘self-referential jokes’ and being ‘deprecating’ and ‘snarky’ and also using the words ‘gay’ and ‘sex’ is often as possible. I guess that’s kinda what this website does. I hope we pull it off better than they do.
Things have continued to happen: that actress who looks like Julia Roberts read words from a scroll of paper. She wears reading glasses and has a professional facial expression.
A video montage reminded us that not only are these people good looking, but they also gave money to charity following natural disasters.
There was a musical montage where Jimmy Fallon, dressed as Elton John meets Barbie Dream House meets Perez Hilton, sang an ode, I believe, to Law & Order.
‘What? Law and Order is cancelled?’ I said to Laneia.
‘We talked about this already.’ She said.
‘Oh,’ I said.
Later on in the program, Ricky Gervais, a cherub humorous man from The Office UK, addresses the audience about a lack of backstage alcohol. He makes a few good jokes and then gives everybody a beer. The attractive men & women in the few front rows eagerly accept cold bottles from cheery usher/servers in white waistcoats.
One of the awards goes to an award show. Not this one, but the Tonys. So what happened was an award show gave an award to another award show.
Another theme of the program was “people behind the scenes have feelings.” People we’ve never heard of as well as some famous-looking people answer questions about studio memos and childhood dreams.
‘I don’t like awards shows,’ Laneia says. “I don’t understand. it’s like, they’re giving out their own awards. it’s not like getting an award from your teacher. A teacher is relatively unbiased. but this is like, from your peers. Like ‘best dressed.’ I was awarded ‘best dressed’ in high school and do you know why? Because a group of 5-8 girls got together one weekend and decided who would win what, so everyone important would be included in the superlatives in the yearbook. and then they told ppl who to vote for, and they did.’
‘These dresses are more expensive,’ I say.
I wonder to myself, ‘I wish The Real L Word was on.’
Later, I think: ‘I wonder how many people will want to sell for Avon tomorrow.’ I decide to wait to call Avon until everyone else has already tried it and quit. I’m not a quitter.
Juliana Marguelis says television is important because we look to it when we want to know what has happened. I look to it when I want to see people act out stories. Everyone is cheering for George Clooney because he made a lot of money and gave it to people who deserve it, which is nice.
Time goes on. We age, and seasons pass. Summer blends into winter and becomes spring, in that order.
This show is the worst show ever, this is like pre-schoolers picking National Merit Scholars. What happened. Do they realize it’s ten pm, and now ‘the cast of true blood’ has to compete with ‘True Blood’ and ‘the cast of Mad Men’ has to compete with Mad Men?
I think Jim (the one who married Pam) decided to pretend he couldn’t read, rather than read the line he was being fed.
As time went on, we found ourselves loosing interest in the program. We asked ourselves if perhaps the reason marijuana might be legalized in California this year is because it will encourage people to sit through programs like this one whereas they ordinarily might get up and do something else. But the only competition here is SANDWICH. And SANDWICH JUST WON Y’ALL! HAPPY SUNDAY!
UPDATE: Apparently after we left to go do arts & crafts because we’ve been working pretty much nonstop this weekend, other things happened. This included:
– Angela Chase won an award for something we didn’t see
– Mad Men won Best Drama, but everyone was watching Mad Men so they missed the big reveal, also I think it has a gay character.
– Modern Family won Best Comedy, it also has gay people in it, therefore gay people have won.
Oh Autostraddle. You make me do stupid things sometimes. Was not planning on watching the Emmys, but now I must.
Also I think I just missed some sort of Glee performance? Is that what that was? I don’t know what’s going on.
JANE LYNCH!
The song Breathe Me from Six Feet Under I mean Sia is playing right now. I think I love the Emmys.
i feel like they cheapened it by giving it to Oprah
Who? I mean, uh…
Okay seriously, this is too much Oprah.
omigod the emmy’s are on? what channel?!
guh, why did they give reality a whole SEGMENT?! i want to cuddle with jamie lee curtis. that movie is going to have everyone scream that it’s amazing because OMIGOD BETTYWHITE. sorry i don’t know how commenting on a live show works.
I’m glad someone else is here so it doesn’t look like I’m spamming this comment thread.
i know it’s like we’re sitting alone in a movie theatre on opening night. and i want to just say kim kardashian SIT DOWN
i’m not watching this i think my twitter feed is enough. i’m going to play video games till mad men is on.
wooo hoooo i forgot abt mad men!
With the exception of the Australians and the Mad Men cast I don’t really know who many of these people are. I’m mostly just here for the straight girls.
this oprah commercial made me realize that what had been missing from my life was having oprah’s voice soundtrack it. “i hate waiting at this liiiine aaaat STAAAARBUUUUUCKS!”
i laughed
yessss
following this at the starbucks on campus because I am without internet or tv ! YAY JANE LYNCH
OHMIGOD MARISKA HARGITAY!
Captain Hammer/Caleb is on my screen right now!
or actually more importantly, Captain Malcolm Reynolds.
^THIS
Ok, it’s been awhile since I’ve seen “this” said as an entire post, but I let it go because I didn’t want to seem dumb or out of the loop, but it’s gone on too long for me to ignore it anymore.
Wtf do you guys mean when you just say “this”?
It just means they agree with you or that they think you are awesome or both.
Ok, that seems really obvious now, so yes I feel dumb.
Thank you for clearing that up.
Hey we all have our moments. I find myself consulting urbandictionary.com occasionally. Here’s what urban dictionary says about “this”:
A slang word used on popular internet forums which means “I agree with you 100%” or “that is very true.”
ladiesman217: “The Transformers was the best movie EVAR.”
fattyman3: THIS
Ok you need to learn about Breaking Bad. Freaking GENIUS show. It’s about a high school chemistry teacher family man. Once he finds out he has super advanced lung cancer, he decides to get into the drug scene and cook up some meth so he can make money for his family before he dies.
Yes! This show rocks. It has no gay characters, but that’s a good thing, considering what it’s about!
“I love you more than baseball.” Wow.
Archie! Her character is bi, now if CBS will get their panties untwisted maybe she’ll get some more revealing scenes!
She thanked her partner. Is that business partner or ~partner partner~?
I’m guessing business. Her wiki page says she’s married to a Raj Nihlipandi.
-Exit stalker mode now-
Sometimes people call their longtime heterosexual lovers partners. “Partner” is a pretty rad term, because when you say, “Do you have a partner?” you’re not assuming the gender a person is with or whether they’re married. Although I do think it implies a certain level of commitment. Five dates does not equal partner, even though I’ve met girls who use it that soon.
that jennie o commercial made me feel like such a fatass for eating mashed potatoes. they’re just soo good.
These Jennie O commercials make me feel like the only thing I need to do to lose weight is eat lean turkey. If I’ve learned nothing from these awards it’s that things on television must be true. Therefore, I will quit my workout schedule and just eat Jennie O.
I’ve watched all of Dexter but I don’t recognize this guy? WTF?
oh wait, nevermind.
i don’t know why but, i want to punch jimmy Fallon in the face right now…
I know the feeling.
seriously who’s idea was it to let him keep singing?!
He’s no Neil Patrick Harris that’s for sure.
i feel like somebody’s parents were in charge of organizing this show
somebody’s parents should tell their kids to go to bed now.
this show is very SEO optimized
ms. sedgewick, put your glasses and your southern accent on now please.
This isn’t that funny. Bored now.
i second that i’m gonna get seconds on mashed potatoes now.
This is real.
Someone called Bucky Gunts just won the shiny pointy thing
Laneia I hear you. I was voted ‘most quiet’ (well, I was runner up) in high school because a classmate ran around telling everyone else to vote for me. Not a very good system.
I got voted “most musical.” I’m still not quite sure how that happened.
i normally get teary eyed during in memoriam tributes, but i’m not at all sad right now (rue mcchlanahan you guys :( ) and i think it has something to do with jewel’s singing faces.
I liked Jewel being on this show because it made me remember that time she was relevant to pop culture, which was a better time than this award show. Just saying.
you guys, 12 angry men is on. just in case you’d like to change the channel or something
my girlfriend christina hendricks is on my tv.
fuck yeah modern family. NOW MAKE CAMERON AND MITCHELL KISS.
They’re going to in season 2.
Oh good it’s over now. It’s really upsetting that this post has 50 comments and Rachel’s article about Actual Important Things has NO COMMENTS. Feeling a little guilty now.
i know :( especially since half were mine
So, obviously it’s over, but I watched it not knowing this post was going to happen, and started reading it just now, and had to stop because this was said:
“I don’t like straight girls because I don’t want to like people who don’t like me back. Does anyone else feel that way?”
and I just had to say yes. Yes I feel that way sometimes which makes me feel funny, and I was glad to hear my feelings voiced by someone else. So, thank you, I guess. And now I’m going to go read more of this post. Because you ladies are real funny and probably will be more entertaining than the Emmys were.
^this.
I didn’t get to watch the Emmys, but I’m wondering, was The Tyra Show mentioned?
it’s possible that i will youtube the opening number because tina fey was in it before it’s taken down but probably not. most likely when the comment awards come around next week i will not know what any of you are talking about and therefore will award awards at random.
lea michele wut wut??
Seconded…SPILL!
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So I watched the opening number because it was in this post and you guys said I might like it, and I enjoyed it so much it gave me goosebumps, and then I didn’t have to watch any of the boring parts. This is essentially my American-tv experience in microcosm.
i envy you, i like zoned out halfway but was snapped out of it by the amazedness of temple grandin.
During the opening number, I totally thought Tim Gunn shoved a red handkerchief in Jimmy Fallon’s right back pocket and so the whole rest of the song I was distracted by the thought of Jimmy Fallon getting fisted… … …And then after a second viewing this morning, I see now that it was a hat. Whooopsy daisy Hanky code FAIL.
Oh and YOU’RE WELCOME for that image.
Oh, that’s exactly what I thought too. You mean he didn’t? Now I’m kind of disappointed.
I am happy for Eric Stonestreet ‘Cam’. But I dare say that Phil is pretty awesome too, maybe even more so. The thing about Phil is that you have to really watch him and catch the small things, he is not always initially funny, sometimes it takes a second view to catch the awesome.
That Avon commercial was great! I’d love help you start your own business for $20. Use reference code mbertsch at http://www.startavon.com. Free Training!
Receiving spam is the first step to blogfame~
I don’t get all he gay lady love for Tina Fey. I know – she’s smart and cute and funny but I don’t get the complete devotion that some of our people have to her.
Fuck. I’ve become a curmudgeon.
FOR her, not TO her. Double fuck. Now, I’m a curmudgeon with bad gramma.
GRAMMAR. Seriously. This is some sort of karmic retribution for dissing Tina Fey.
Actually, it should be TO, I guess. I don’t know. What I do know is that my comment stream of ignorance can’t be undone so I might as well go eat some fried rice.
Holland Taylor played Peggy Peabody, not Helena…
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